Original subtitles

So, er, I'm in the airport check-in,

and I look behind me, and there's Santa

with a massive sack of presents.

I said, "Where's all your reindeers?"

And he goes,

"Well, you know Rudolph's red nose?

"Turns out to be COVID. They're all in lockdown."

Where are you two going? Sponsored walk?

Anyway, here's one for you.

You'll love this one. Here.

There's this elf, and he's working in a Christmas factory

making presents, right?

But he's thinking about going on strike

because they're short staffed.

Anyway...

I've been Buddy Elveden...

..Master of Mirth. And you've been...

Well, you've been...

a smashing audience.

You're being unreasonable.

You have to pay us. It says it in the contract.

I was promised jokes.

Hey, why you leave them out of your set, huh?

- Oh, very good. - I'll borrow that one

No laughs, no money.

Maybe we could get the magic act going again.

I could ring round some old booking agents.

I'm not going back to England, Karen.

Oh, but things will have died down.

Forget about the magic act.

These fingers ain't as fast as they used to be.

And let's be honest, no-one wants to see you in a leotard.

I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.

But the curtain's coming down on us.

Shh!

Listen, guys, Santa's been a little bit held up.

It's a disgrace.

When you fork out for a Christmas cruise,

the one thing you expect is to see Santa.

Hey, how about two front-row seats

for you and your mum to my Christmas show?

- I want Santa, not you. - Great

Jamil!

S-Sorry.

On your way now. The grotto's closed.

Frankie, a little less blunt, perhaps. This is appalling.

We'll fix this, I promise.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell.

It's just... last Christmas wasn't a great one for us.

And I really want Libby to have a good one this year.

Leave this to me, OK?

Come on, then, darling.

Let's see what you can find in the kids' area, yeah?

So, where is the bearded one?

He's got shingles.

Well, there must be someone else who can dress up as Santa.

Hmm. I might be looking at him.

No, no, no, no. Jack.

I could be your elf.

The Christmas dream team, huh?

Bev, I'm a singer. I can't be ho-ho-hoing all day.

It'll wreck my voice. Thanks for nothing, Jack.

Bev?

Christmas is not over yet, Jamil.

Not on Jack Grayling's watch.

# I'm going on an adventure

# And I got a feeling The sun's gonna shine

# Shine, the sun's gonna shine

# I'm in love with the ocean

# And I got a feeling I'm sailing tonight

# Tonight, I'm sailing tonight

# It's because of you

# That I'll always remember

# I'm going on an adventure

# With you on my mind

# I'm going on an adventure

# With you on my mind. #

# Een Kindekijn is ons geboren

# In Bethlehem

# Een Kindekijn is ons geboren... #

# In Bethlehem. # Piers.

Do you have to do that?

It's a traditional Flemish Christmas song,

Een Kindeken Is Ons Geboren.

Right. It's just a bit distracting.

Is that all I am to you now?

A distraction?

Miss Woods, Mr de Vreese, shall we?

Captain Marlowe? Ship inspection.

We usually liaise with the other department.

New captain, new rules.

Number one, keep the crew on their toes.

Jameson may have been a bit lax on discipline,

but I won't have standards slipping on my watch.

I'm all for maintaining high standards, Captain. Very good.

'Good morning to all passengers.'

Are these spot checks going to be a regular thing, Captain?

Well, it's in every good captain's playbook.

Don't you agree, Mr de Vreese?

Forward with the goat, sir.

Well, quite.

When was this last tested?

We'd have to ask Maintenance, sir.

Not the answer I wanted to hear, Miss Woods.

Bring back Jameson.

Alas, it seems we can never go back,

no matter how much we may want to.

Oh, please.

Ah, Mr Grayling, the man with the perfect pipes.

You should be my agent, Captain Marlowe.

Do you know what? I might visit the theatre tonight,

mingle with the buffet and bingo mob.

You can't beat the shine of some top brass.

I'm sure you'll dazzle them. Well, as you were.

Inspection duty.

Piers...

..Bev is in desperate need of a Santa,

and I was wondering if any of your crew fancy dressing up.

May I remind you that we are officers?

We do not demean ourselves by dressing up in silly costumes.

'We'd like to welcome all guests

'to decidedly delightful Dubrovnik,

'often called the Pearl of the Adriatic.

'I guarantee you're about to find out exactly why.

'And if you love Santas and elves,

'I thoroughly recommend the Christmas parade

'taking place this afternoon.'

Elves? Mum, can we go? Please?

'I also highly recommend the Convent of Saint Claire,

'where you'll be able to find any last-minute Christmas gifts

'at their wonderful market.'

I've had enough, Karen.

Buddy, one bad night doesn't mean it's the end of your career.

Well, apparently, I've had 50 bad nights.

Look, I just need a minute, all right?

I'll have a coffee and a rakia chaser.

Actually, hold the coffee.

Nah.

To share.

Well... this is nice.

Me and you finally get to spend some time together.

You can blame the new captain.

He's got a to-do list longer than Piers' face. Poor fella.

How's he holding up? Well, what do you think?

He was supposed to be walking down the aisle this time next month.

What if he got off lightly?

Ha-ha

Right, come on. We need to find a Santa.

How are you gonna find the right one?

Through the power of Christmas.

Did I hear somebody say they were looking for Santa?

Buddy Elveden. 30 years wowing audiences the world over.

Am I not round enough,

rosy cheeked enough, barrel chested enough

to give a magnificent ho-ho-ho?

See? You've just got to believe.

I've just got on board,

and you have already lost my luggage.

Your luggage will be somewhere in the system, sir.

In the meantime, please accept this courtesy pack.

Everything you need,

from shaving foam to...

underpants.

I'm not wearing this.

They are very comfortable.

Though there are shops on board and in Dubrovnik.

S... Sorry.

Well, someone's got a bob on. Frankie.

Where did you come from?

It's ninja mentality.

For a lush wench, I can be light on my feet.

It's all part of the training.

Well, I'd better find his luggage

before he makes an official complaint.

You need to find Beverly first. She's been looking for you.

You want me to be an elf?

Mm. What do you say?

I say lead me to the workshop.

Bev?

Beverley, meet Santa. Santa, meet Beverley.

Jack. How did you manage that?

You've just got to believe. It's a regular Christmas miracle.

Oh, I'll need Frankie to run background checks. Sorry.

It's all right. I've already asked her.

You and me should be running this ship.

One day, Bev. One day.

Right. I need you in costume ASAP.

And Jamil, the same for you. And Jack?

Yes? I could kiss you.

This way, Santa.

So, I said to Rudolph,

"We don't need your red nose any more

"because I've got Santa-nav."

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Well, er, what do you think? Which bin did you get that from?

It was the only one I could find. Look, there's a hole here.

It looks like rain, dear. Reindeer! Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, speaking of which, this is probably Rudolph,

wanting to trade some air miles for some more hay.

Or maybe not.

All right? Merry Christmas.

What? Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas.

Shouldn't you be in your grotto?

Oh, yeah. Just got to sort a couple of things before we set out.

Look, Bev won't be happy.

20 minutes, tops. Half hour, worst-ways.

Oh, last-minute Christmas shopping?

Oh, yeah. You know what kids are like.

They only tell you what they actually want for Christmas

at the last possible minute.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Nice of you to bring me an early Christmas present, Jack.

Oh, you two know each other?

Yeah, Nika and I collaborated on a missing teen

who fled to Dubrovnik back in the day.

Oh, wow. Cop in every port.

I'm presuming you know this unfortunate man.

His name is Buddy Elveden. He came on board to play Santa.

Seemed like a really nice guy.

Nice enough for someone to stab him with a Christmas tree.

You don't think this was an accident?

As I'm sure Jack will tell you,

nothing's an accident until proven otherwise.

One of the Ten Commandments in criminal investigation.

So, why was he here and not in his grotto?

Hold that thought.

It must be Buddy's.

The last call he received was barely an hour ago.

To whom am I speaking, please?

Buddy's dead?

You've got the wrong person, surely.

How do you know Mr Elveden?

We've been together years.

Well... not together, together.

Nothing like that. Erm...

I started off as his assistant.

But he did magic while I did the glamour.

And then when he branched out...

into comedy, I took much more of a back seat.

I became his PA, and then...

then his chauffeur, after he had his car accident last Christmas.

Why did you phone him?

I was back at the hotel. I...

I was wondering where he'd got to.

I was worried about him.

He was a bit upset after last night.

Upset? Why?

Erm, his set at Luka's comedy club

had gone terribly, and...

..Luka was furious with him.

It was awful.

Luka's.

That's where he was found.

In the alley, round the back.

Apologies.

I'm going to need you to give me a statement down at the station,

Miss McCallister.

Of course.

What... What am I gonna do now?

I'm...

I'm nobody without Buddy.

We spent every Christmas together.

We were gonna go to a fancy restaurant,

get the best food, the best drinks.

Make it as magical as we could.

What if after you've spoken to the police,

you grab your things and join the cruise?

Jack. Friends-and-family deal.

That can be sorted, right?

Well, look, I've gotta get back to the ship, but...

I'll see what I can do, OK?

Word is, you were furious with Buddy.

And the obvious question is, what did he do to upset you so much?

He went up on that stage and told terrible jokes.

Most of the audience left halfway through his set.

Was he really that bad?

One man was crying, and not of laughter.

I saw him confront Buddy afterwards.

What did this guy look like?

Bald, glasses, tearful.

Though he was shouting by then.

Any chance I could take a look at that CCTV from last night,

specifically the camera in the alleyway?

Look, I'm a busy man, huh?

How about I sing for free

the next time that we dock in Dubrovnik?

And I guarantee you, no-one will leave.

You're really that good?

I am. Trust me.

Excuse me. Backstage is for staff performers only.

My daughter. My daughter's gone missing.

I can't find her anywhere. Can you help me?

All right. Don't worry, love. Not lost anyone on my watch.

Right, I'll need a full description.

Height, build, and any distinctive or unusual blemishes,

such as a birthmark and/or a tattoo.

OK. Right.

Come on. Let's check your room first.

Ooh.

I can't see who pushed him.

Just rewind it. Maybe we've missed something.

OK. Whoa.

I said backwards, not forwards.

What is that?

Well, that dream's over.

What dream? Of joining the elves' team.

One minute, I'm an elf, living the life.

And next...

Santa's dead.

What?

Why are you staring at me?

It's the same colour as your hat, Jamil.

Which means...

An elf... Killed...

..Santa. Er, you can't say things like that.

I think Buddy's killer dressed up as one

to blend in with the Christmas market.

I think our killer's hat is missing a bell.

She was in here all along, Mrs McClane.

Thank you so much.

I'll leave you to it. Thank you.

I was so worried about you. Are you OK?

Oh, my love. Come here.

All right, Jack?

No. Don't worry.

I'm not gonna ask you to play Santa.

You've got someone, then?

I'm not sure if I even care right now.

Oh, Bev.

This isn't like you. I know.

You OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. It's just...

It's just, some mornings, I wish I didn't have to paint the smile on.

Do you know what I mean, Jack?

It's exhausting...

pretending everything's rosy in Beverly Carnell's world.

I always thought it was. Yeah, well, that's the problem.

Everyone thinks that.

What I wouldn't give...

to have some hunky fella's shoulder to cry into.

Give it the full-on sob.

Soak his shirt right through. Sounds like someone needs a break.

No, no.

No, I'm married to the ship, me, Jack.

Hey-ho.

I'd better go and find a Santa before there's a mutiny.

Mr Belay, I have some good news.

I have your luggage.

Mr Belay.

Mr Belay, er, your case has been damaged in transit.

Obviously, we will reimburse it for you.

Right.

Jamil.

What the...?

Buddy... Buddy's dead?

Christmas has come a day early.

Excuse me?

He stole my wife, destroyed my marriage.

This is the best present I have ever had.

Mr Belay, what did you and Buddy argue about?

We were so happy until you appeared.

She hasn't been happy for a very long time.

That's why she threw you out!

Why would she want you? You're nothing.

A failure!

I make her laugh.

And you, my friend, make her cry.

She's my wife! What's going on here?

Luka got in the way of you taking things further with Buddy.

And I bet you couldn't believe your eyes

when he came on the very ship that you'd booked your cruise on.

No.

You watched him disembark and then followed him.

I never left the ship.

I can always check the embarkation log, right? Yeah.

If you must know...

I was out buying a new underwear.

Actually, I can vouch for that.

Mr Belay wasn't a fan of the paper pants.

My guess is you followed him.

All right.

I admit it, I did. But I lost him in the crowd of Santas.

And that's the honest truth.

Now, if you don't mind...

..I need some time on my own...

..to work out how to tell all this to my wife.

Now that Buddy's dead, she's going to need me.

I'll have a word with Juan.

He's getting far too cocky with his sword act.

What's this doing here?

Have a good evening. Oh, thanks.

You, too. Bye. See you later.

You left this on the bridge.

Are you joining another cruise ship?

I haven't said yes yet.

But it's a very nice offer.

And the fjords are particularly stunning.

This ship wouldn't be the same without you.

You make it sound like you'd miss me.

Well, of course, I would.

Knock me for six, to be honest.

Then give me a reason to stay, Kate.

You know that's not what I meant, Piers.

Can't blame a man for trying.

You came aboard after all. Oh, only just.

I went to give my statement,

and then I ended up answering question after question.

Nika's borderline obsessive.

Well, Buddy needs justice.

Which brings me to the row Buddy had in the comedy club.

What row?

With a man called Giorgio Belay after the show.

Giorgio was there?

You know him? Well, of course I do.

He was the bane of Buddy's life.

How come you didn't hear them arguing?

Well, I was out back in the alley. It wasn't a good night.

I needed some space to think and plan.

But he never said a word about him and Giorgio.

Did he ever threaten Buddy?

It's more a question of, when didn't he threaten him?

Giorgio sent some awful texts.

I made Buddy delete them,

they were so horrible.

Kate? Wait up.

It seems Giorgio sent a ton of threats to Buddy.

It sounds like we need to ask him some more questions. Yeah.

This is turning into a Christmas to remember.

Murder and mince pies. Only you, Jack Grayling.

Wow.

I thought you were back at the day job.

Oh, it's the magic of Christmas.

Beverley found me a better costume.

Jack. What?

Hey!

The bell's missing.

Jamil, where did Beverley get this costume from?

The costume store. Where else?

Which means...

Someone took the costume, went ashore,

killed Buddy and then put it back.

So the killer is on this ship?

We're looking for anyone who got off the ship after Buddy.

Within a few minutes of.

Frankie? Joni McClane.

Left to do some last-minute shopping.

Blimey. Where did you pull that from?

Oh, it's photographic memory. I was trained by the best.

Mrs McClane left just after Buddy did.

With her daughter? No, she left Libby on board.

I know, because I had to launch a mini manhunt

after Mrs McClane got back.

Found her wandering around backstage looking for her daughter.

Backstage? Yeah, she was in amongst the costumes.

Thanks. Before you scarper...

I finally got Buddy's background check through.

Turns out he was involved in a car crash.

Thanks, but we know that.

Yeah, but did you know that he knocked down

and killed someone, though?

Or that he walked away scot-free after it was deemed an accident?

Jack, you better be calling with a clue.

I'm facing a dead end here.

'I need you to run a check for me.'

Buddy Elveden killed someone in a car crash

in England last Christmas.

In England?

Give me a minute. I have a contact over there.

Do you just want me to find Karen? She's bound to know.

Nika's quicker. Trust me.

Nika? 'I have the name of the man Buddy killed.'

It's McClane. William McClane.

'Thank you, Nika.'

I think we've just found our killer, Jack.

Now, I want you to close your eyes

and listen as hard as you can for Santa Claus.

Merry Christmas, darling.

'Good morning, all.

'I'd like to wish everyone, passengers and crew alike,

'a very merry Christmas from everyone on board.

'I hope Santa was good to you,

'but if you fancy a little more Santa goodness,

'then you can catch him later

'when he arrives with his sack of goodies.'

Merry Christmas, darling.

Unfortunately...

I have some not very good news.

It's about Buddy.

Enter.

Mr de Vreese. Merry Christmas.

Vrolijk Kerstfeest to you, too, sir.

Are you ready?

Do we really have to do this on Christmas Day?

Well, Joni can't get away with murder,

no matter what day it is.

Last year, Libby lost her dad,

and this year, her mum's gonna get locked up.

Jack.

Kate, I've already missed three Christmases with my daughter.

I know how it feels.

Look, I know that you want things to be different, but...

Buddy's never gonna see another Christmas, ever.

So at some point, we need to make this right.

All right, tootsies and trotters,

behind the line, if you don't mind.

Oh, boys and girls, I've got news that Santa's on his way.

He's nearly here.

And... he's just landed!

So, boys and girls, mums and dads,

are you gonna join me for a big Christmas countdown?

Yeah!

Oh, come on, you can do better than that!

You gonna join me for a big Christmas countdown?

Yeah!

Here we go. Ten...

Nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three,

two, one.

Hooray!

Come on, Santa.

Ho-ho-ho!

Come on, hurry up, Santa. Thank you very much.

What's your name? One at a time, one at a time.

Go on, babe.

Erm, is that... Yeah, it's Captain Marlowe.

I promised him an eggnog later.

Morning. Morning.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Hi.

Er... Merry Christmas.

And to you, too, Kate.

Listen, Piers, I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh on you yesterday.

It had to be said.

And you said it.

No complaints from me.

Good. I mean, we're both sailors, aren't we?

I'm sure we can... navigate our way through this.

It might be a little late for that.

Are you leaving the ship?

I loved you so much, Kate.

Jack. Yep?

You're never gonna guess what Santa brought me this year.

A hunky fella? Oh, I wish.

A residency, Jack, at the Lancia Club in Barbados.

The Lancia. Are you kidding? I know. Someone dropped out, and...

and somehow or another, I got highly recommended to the manager.

What were you saying about Christmas being a downer?

When did he want you? Oh, it's the end of this cruise.

I mean, obviously, it's not forever. Just a sabbatical.

Head officer give me their blessing

and said they'll arrange a short-term replacement.

I don't know what to say, Bev, other than...

you deserve it.

Oh, thank you.

Kate? I know who did it.

Enjoy the food.

Oh, ladies.

I couldn't believe Jack invited me as a guest.

He's such a kind and generous man. Yeah.

Are you sure I should be at the Captain's table?

Of course you should, Jamil. You're an incredible elf.

One of the finest I've ever seen. Please.

Thank you.

And I don't dole out praise lightly.

Oh, lovely.

We got our Christmas after all.

I know what happened, Joni.

Libby, why don't you

go and choose yourself a pudding out of the cabinet, OK?

You went after Buddy and caught up with him in the alleyway.

When I saw him on the ship, it all came flooding back.

So you grabbed yourself a disguise?

How did you know that?

Your elf costume was caught on CCTV.

One of the bells fell off.

I found him on the ground. He was already dead, I swear.

I believe you. You were angry, Joni.

But I doubt you would have done anything.

Not when you've got Libby to look after.

So what happens to me now?

What do you think happens?

You order Christmas pudding and have the Christmas you both deserve.

Really?

Watch out for the six pence in a pudding.

Mum.

Have you heard Mr de Vreese is leaving us?

I did, yeah. It's a sad day for the ship.

That depends...

..on who's left and what they're capable of.

Ambition is not a dirty word, Miss Woods.

In fact, it's a word that I openly encourage.

I mean, look where it got me.

Could I have a quick word before dinner?

Oh, of course.

Erm... Champagne for Mr Grayling, please.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Before I sit down, I need to do some housekeeping.

Only, I know what happened to Buddy,

why it happened, but most importantly,

who killed him.

The biggest clue was in front of my face this whole time...

..wasn't it, Karen? I'm not sure I follow.

Let's go back a few nights.

You told us that you didn't hear Giorgio and Buddy arguing

because you were outside.

I was outside the back door.

But you couldn't have been.

The Christmas decorations,

including a wrought-iron Christmas tree,

were stacked up against the back door.

I called the club owner. He told me they'd been there for days.

So there's no way you could have opened it.

Wait. I wasn't in the alley.

I was, erm, in Buddy's dressing room.

If you were, then you would have heard Giorgio and Buddy arguing.

So which one was it, Karen?

The only reason you said you hadn't heard them

was because it gave you a clear motive.

You see, all of this

has always been about people missing people at Christmas.

Giorgio and his wife,

Joni McClane and her husband.

You and Buddy.

He didn't want to tour with you no more.

He wanted to set up home with Giorgio's wife.

For him, the magic had gone. He wanted out.

It's not true, none of it.

He took that Santa job to escape telling you.

I mean, what a way to end 30 years of working together.

But you rang him.

I just wanted to see where he'd gotten to. He... He texted.

He'd said he'd had enough, but he'd always done that.

And I said the least we could do is talk about it. That's all.

He met you to say goodbye, didn't he, Karen?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It was an accident.

I'd never hurt Buddy on purpose, ever.

I still don't know where the strength came from

to push him that hard.

It came from 30 years on the road, Karen,

only to end up being abandoned,

facing Christmas alone for the first time in decades.

I get it. I do.

Nobody wants that.

Afraid you'll have to accompany me to your cabin, Miss McCallister.

I'll have to lock you in until we reach port,

where you'll be handed over to the local police.

Please don't let this ruin your Christmas.

I'd... I'd really hate that to happen.

You did the right thing.

The logs are on the fire, the chestnuts are roasting,

and we all believe in the magic of Santa for another year.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a spectacular night

in store for you tonight

with a once-in-a-generation talent.

Jack Grayling,

will you please bring Christmas home?

Thank you. Thank you.

This first song I'm dedicating to a very special person.

I'll miss you.

Aw.

# Ay-ay

# Feels like fire

# I'm so in love with you

# Dreams are like angels

# They keep bad at bay

# Bad at bay

# Love is the light

# Scaring darkness away

# I'm so in love with you

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

# Flame on, burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal... #

I know that you arranged Beverley's sabbatical.

Me?

No. What makes you think that?

I mean, we've been looking for Santa everywhere,

and he's been right here this whole time.

Which got me thinking,

somebody ought to buy you a present.

You got me something? As if I wouldn't.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas, Mr Grayling.

Merry Christmas, Miss Woods.

# This time, we go sublime

# Lovers entwine, divine, divine

# Love is danger Love is pleasure

# Love is pure, the only treasure

# I'm so in love with you

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal

# The power of love

# A force from above

# Cleaning my soul

# Flame on, burn desire

# Love with tongues of fire

# Purge the soul

# Make love your goal... #

# Make love

# Your

# Goal. #

I need your help.

My father is not a murderer.

This is about getting Jack off the ship.

He's a liability, Kate.

Jack Grayling.

The singer who likes to do the police job for them.

Another beautiful day in paradise.

We can live the dream together.

How dare you?

I mean, even a disgraced cop still has his uses.

The first rule of navigation,

never take your eyes off the controls.

There is no "us", Jack.

I'd just like to know where I stand, Kate.