Original subtitles

BELLOWS

Ah! GROANS

LAUGHS

Woo-oh!

BLASTS HORN

No!

SCREAMS

Arghh!

Aghhhh!

APPLAUSE

Hello!

How are you? I'm fine, thanks. You're looking well.

I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

There are five comedians hungry to stoke the fire of this

competition and commence battle immediately.

So who am I to stop them? I'm the Taskmaster, that's who!

But I'm also just a regular nice guy. So, here they are.

Your five fearless fighters.

James Acaster! APPLAUSE

Jessica Knappett! APPLAUSE

Kerry Godliman! APPLAUSE

Phil Wang! APPLAUSE

And Rhod Gilbert! APPLAUSE

And still very much keeping the dream alive...

that he might be a late bloomer... It's little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

I can get on here by myself. I can get on here by myself. I can.

Looking a little sheepish tonight.

Not comfortable.

Yes. You're not comfortable because you're being punished

for the last episode.

Can I tell them what you've done? No, you can't.

They'll find out soon enough. It's horrible. Good.

Let's start the competition.

LAUGHTER

Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK.

And kindly suggested by Greg in honour of me, you said,

me, Mr Alex Horne.

Today's prize category is "the creepiest thing".

LAUGHTER

You're going to award the owner of the creepiest thing

five enormous points and at the end of this very show,

the overall winner will get to take on all five creepy things!

Right, James Acaster.

I imagine you've brought in a really creepy thing?

I come from a town called Kettering in Northamptonshire.

In Kettering there's a museum called the Manor House Museum and

the main attraction in the Manor House Museum is a mummified cat.

Alex, please.

LAUGHTER

Here's the mummified cat.

AUDIENCE GROAN

God!

Oh, my God!

It is a mummified cat that was found in a wall in a building in

Kettering. In the past it was good luck to keep a cat in the walls.

A live one? Actually, that wasn't specified.

A really strong start. It's creepy.

And it's the first thing ever that's made a want to visit Kettering!

Kerry, what's the creepy thing you've brought in?

This is a thing that a man was wearing on a train sat opposite me.

And he maintained eye contact with me for four tube stops.

Long time. Yeah. It was this T-shirt here.

GROANS, LAUGHTER

Is it the lack of apostrophe you object to?

LAUGHTER

Really creepy. Jesus Christ!

I just can't imagine it ever working. As in, "OK. Go on, then.

"Off we go! Get the stirrups! I'm game!"

Phil, what creepy thing did you bring in?

So, erm, my creepiest thing is a finger portrait of myself

that I was given by someone who came to one of my shows.

Here is the painting.

Oh! It's quite good.

But... LAUGHTER

That's amazing, Phil!

Well, so, it was in Newcastle, which is creepy. Oh!

What happened to the old castle?

LAUGHTER

I'll give you it is a good picture, objectively speaking.

But it was the idea of him sitting on his own and just stroking

the contours of my face.

Around the jaw and over the lips and just going, "Here you are, Phil."

It's not very creepy, though. I think it's nice.

It's a lovely picture. Oh!

Would you like to see Jessica...? Jessica Knappett.

It's quite simply my collection of Victorian Christmas cards.

OK. Here they are, the Victorian Christmas cards.

LAUGHTER

These are Christmas cards? Yes. Right. So, top left - dead robin.

LAUGHTER Er, frog shagging a beetle.

# Ding dong, merrily on dead frog! #

Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff. Pretty creepy!

I mean, it's not a cat in a wall. I'll give you that. No.

One left. Oh, no! What?

Every single one of the prize tasks for this whole series... Oh, that.

..it has essentially been a picture of me looking fat or...

LAUGHTER

So given the title Creepiest Thing...

LAUGHTER

Well, this is a rare occasion

where I'm not entering that picture of you.

It's not a picture of me at all? It's not a picture of you at all.

It is a short film.

Would you like to see the film?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Wow! Wow!

Wow!

That actually made me feel dirty.

I saw you out.

No, you didn't.

Fuckin' hell!

The orgy one is quite nice.

There's one point where you go, "A-pi-pi-pi!"

Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean, the perfectly nice picture of Phil.

It should have a creepier face. One point to Phil.

Just because they're cards and I could just turn them over,

I'm going to give Jess two points.

Two points, OK. Yeah. Fourth place.

I'm going to jump James up.

I'm going to give him four points, cos that is a creepy cat. Yes.

And good luck to Kettering.

If that's the best you've got, Jesus Christ!

Let's just turn Kettering into a car park!

OK. One to Phil, two to Jess, four to James.

I mean, without question,

the creepiest thing for me is that this idiot has hid in my...

LAUGHTER ..has hid in my wardrobe.

But a T-shirt that creepy can't go unpunished.

I'm going to give them five points each. Both get five points!

APPLAUSE

Fair enough.

Creeps!

What task have we got next, Alex?

Well, if you go down to the woods today, let's see.

Hello, Rhod. Hiya.

Hi, James.

Eugh!

I'm scared!

What is this place? It's a grotto.

What do you think a grotto is? It's...

It's what Santa is, isn't it? I don't think Santa would come here.

Where is the task, Alex? It's on its way.

LAUGHTER

Right.

"Poke something out of the hole in the roof of this grotto."

"Least expected thing poked through wins."

"You have 20 minutes. Time starts now."

Poke something out of the hole...

There won't be a pound shop nearby, is there? Are you on Amazon Prime?

Haven't got my phone.

APPLAUSE

Who are we going to see first?

Well, first, we're going to see a man who will very soon

go by the nickname J-Caster. It's J-Caster. Here we go.

Poke something through the hole of the grotto.

Right. I know what it's going to be.

OK. But these guys have to stop filming me.

You want me to call the cameras off?

All the cameras off! This is going to be unexpected!

LAUGHTER Fun's over!

Right, I'm ready.

The cameras are back on, James.

Filming's back on!

This is genius.

Only advice I can give the Taskmaster for this one -

expect the unexpected, baby.

Could you tell him that?

You want to tell him to expect the unexpected? Baby!

OK. Here it comes!

LAUGHTER

# Pants on a stick! Oh-oh!

# Pants on a stick! #

Do you get extra points for a song? No.

Well, that's a waste of time. LAUGHTER

I wasn't expecting that beautiful song.

I'll be honest.

As soon as I was holding my pants on a stick, I genuinely went crazy.

Yeah.

Do you want to give us a bit more of Pants on a Stick?

# Pants on a stick

# Waving pants I just had my pants on a stick

# Whose pants? My pants! Your pants? No, no! #

Nice song!

Well, good. We're off to a start.

Who's next? We're now going to see a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.

Kerry and Phil.

OK.

If I can get something on the end of that stick, we're in business.

Everything here is expected.

It's nature, innit? It's all...

You know, there isn't going to be a hamburger or something.

STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTER

Right.

Right, you ready?

Oh!

OK, Alex. Here it comes!

LAUGHTER

You see that? Yeah, I can see it.

What do you reckon?

I'm worried about you. LAUGHTER

Thank you, Kerry. OK!

I might need help with a zip, Alex.

Sure, yeah.

LAUGHTER OK. Thank you!

Goodbye. Thank you!

You're right. I was not expecting to see your bra

on the end of a beanpole. Pleased with yourself?

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Kerry's was the only one where I didn't know what was going on,

so I was generally surprised when a bra came up. Why?

Cos, well, she went into the woods,

hid in a bush and took her bra off and then came back,

whereas the other two... And they did it on camera.

I'm quite glad I didn't do it on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away.

Privately. Yeah. Classy little...

LAUGHTER

I didn't think Alex had a live feed, like a pervert!

There was a big hole in the roof.

LAUGHTER

I was not fully surprised by your approach, Phil,

because I have decided that the only reason you've come into this series

is to show as much as your genitals as you possibly can.

We had a very tender moment when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely.

I blew on his neck. Yeah!

Aw! Creepy!

Why don't you, er...? What?

Why don't you go over and relive old times, have a little hug with Phil?

Can I? You say I don't give you moments for yourself.

Go and give Phil a hug and remember, if you like.

Oh. Thanks, mate.

Sit down! LAUGHTER

I told you! You do things when I tell you!

That's it. Enough. I've had enough of part one.

I can't stand it any more. Come back when you're part two.

Or don't come back at all!

Hi, everyone. Hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where I'm going to instantly

pawn you off on Alex Horne so that he can do with the detail.

Thank you, Greg. Detail is my middle name and my closest friend.

Before the break, our competitors were challenged to stick the

most unexpected thing through a hole in a grotto's roof.

Last up are Rhod and Jess, Gilbert and Knappett.

It's poking time again!

I'm going to go and find something more unexpected.

Let's just see...

Argh!

I got that down there, don't know what to do with it.

It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?

Thank you.

OK, can you come down and join me in the grotto, please? OK.

Can you see that?

Yes. The position you adopt is, if you lean forward,

that's it, sit back into the ladder a little.

I think this is going to be quite good.

If you undo your belt.

And then just pop your trousers down.

I might need you to pull the trousers down

so I can hold on to something. I've heard that before.

Can't pull your own trousers down.

Unexpected item appearing now.

What?!

It's...

It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire!

Please, don't set fire to the tree.

Some...classical music would be nice.

OK. On your leg.

That'll do? If you bend down, bend right down, Alex...

I don't want to open up...

OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK.

Oh!

MUSIC: Gloria in D Major by Antonio Vivaldi

OK, I've run out of water, so that is, uh,

that is the water feature closed for today, kids.

WHISTLE

Your turn up, Rob. OK.

APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT

'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I genuinely wasn't expecting fire to come out of the hole.

Yeah! And then...

You can't compete with Alex's arse.

It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?

As grotesque and unexpected as that was.

But it's also the fact that he then said,

"That's the water feature closed, kids!"

LAUGHTER

That was unexpected!

Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah, I'm gonna judge it.

I'm gonna give two points straight in

to Kerry, James and Phil,

'because I think, I kind of guessed it was going to be an item of clothing

coming through the roof of the grotto.

'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow jumpsuit all get two points. Correct.

OK. Jess, the element of fire, I wasn't expecting,

four points.

APPLAUSE Second place, Jess.

And five points, and up to £20,000 of my own money for counselling

Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE Rhod wins the toss.

OK, I've got the scores.

The series scores are very exciting, we have Phil Wang on 103.

IMPRESSED WHISTLE

APPLAUSE Oh, yeah!

Certainly sounds impressive in isolation. Yeah.

Second last, it's James on 122.

APPLAUSE

But then it's all change, Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,

Rhod's on 134. Three points!

APPLAUSE Whoa!

That's the first I've been in the lead all series. Yes, it is.

All change. OK. I have a scoreboard for this episode.

Phil is in last with three,

James and Jess both on six, Kerry on seven,

but Rhod's in the lead with ten points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

More, please, little Alex Horne.

Well, this one is a puzzling riddle

of a treasure hunt of a task.

Oh. Hi.

Hi, Alex.

Huh. Oh.

So, here we are. Here we are. Why is there not a task here?

Is it in this room? Yeah. It's not hidden.

Well, it's not not hidden, is it?

No. But it's not hidden.

Hi, James.

The task is somewhere. Right.

Heeey!

You're colder now. Colder now.

Warmer, warmer. Warmer.

Ah!

Carefully, so I don't pull this down. Little tug.

C.

C. Your time starts now.

Now look in the microwave.

What?

APPLAUSE

Let's just crack straight into it.

OK. Let's start with the ladies. But which two ladies?

Where's the microwave?

Where's the microwave?

C.

Ah!

Now look in your pigeonhole.

E.

E.

Now look under the doormat.

C-R-E.

Where's the doormat? Probably near a door.

Oh, yeah.

A. Now look in the lab.

M. Now look in the little blue book.

What little blue book?

What little blue book?

What little blue book, Alex?

Is there a little blue box in here?

What are you looking for? A little blue box.

Where's the little blue book?

Are you OK, Kerry? No, I'm stressing out.

Right, OK, so there's a little blue box somewhere in this house.

Now look...

What?!

I can't read!

Now look in the little blue book!

Not box, book!

It says book!

Oh, this is tough...

Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it?

Love that. A tiny one!

S. At the beginning. Fastest wins. What?

S. At the beginning.

Creams.

At the beginning.

What?

No-one says that, do they? Creams? No.

Scream!

SHE SCREAMS

Creams at the beginning.

Creams at the beginning. Is it like, um, the...

A situation where people have creams at the beginning?

S.

At...

Oh!

SHE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's an incredible question.

'"Oh, this must be a situation where people have creams in the beginning."

Powerful screams, though.

Oh, excellent screams. And it wasn't that slow.

They both took five minutes something.

I think if Kerry had realised the doormat was near the door, she...

Oh, hang on, is that worse than confusing book with a box?

No, oh, no, you were both absolutely shit.

Kerry took five minutes and 47 seconds,

Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so Jess is in the lead at the moment.

Wow. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

The end of part two is nigh.

Correction, the end of part two is now!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello there.

And if you've just stumbled across this show for the first time,

it's the third part of the eighth episode in the seventh series,

and you're very, very welcome!

Yes, you are. Today our contestants are playing for a mummified cat,

an offensive T-shirt, and before the break,

there was a puzzle task taking place.

How will Cambridge University representative Phil Wang

and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?

This was in the microwave. Now look in your pigeonhole.

E. Now look under the doormat.

That's not you, is it? That's not what Greg calls you?

I'm not coming back in the room to open them any more,

I realise it's time wasting.

Now look in the lab.

Lab.

Where's the little blue book?

Where's the little blue book?

Little blue book?

Is the little blue book in here, is it?

Is it? Those aren't real books.

Is it on you? Why would it be on me?

I will strip search you if I don't find this little blue book.

Ah!

Do you want to tell me where the book is? Yeah?

It's where the books normally are.

Ah! Oh!

It says "S", and then in brackets, "at the beginning."

Oh, God, what does that mean?

Ah...

Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.

Bollocks.

Oh, scream!

HE LETS OUT A SHORT SCREAM

You want me to scream?

Yes, please.

'Was that definitely a scream? HE SCREAMS LONGER Yeah, I'd say so.

Thank you. I'll stop the clock.

HE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

It seems to me, every task to you is an opportunity

to get his trousers off.

And you're always wearing pink underwear.

Or long johns! Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dear, dear, dear.

Phil, I think you're a very controlled man,

is what I thought during that.

You saw Rhod scream at the end,

that's a scream of desperation.

'And I think I'm going to give you the opportunity on camera now to really let a,

like a passionate, wild scream out.

HE SCREAMS LOUDLY

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you want some times? Yes, please. He took nine minutes and 55.

Nine minutes and 55. Of course he did.

'Rhod... He went out to the garden and had a sniff of some flowers at some point.

'Rhod took exactly the same amount of time it takes me to prepare your bed in the evening.

12 minutes and 51 seconds.

You like it so flat. APPLAUSE

'Just show me a situation where there's some creams at the beginning, will you?

Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he as good at solving riddles as he is

'at taking his pants off, shoving them on a stick and singing a song about it?

Let's find out.

A. Now look in your pigeonhole.

E. Now look under the doormat.

A, now look in the lab.

M. Now look in the little blue book.

S. Creams. At the... Oh, at the beginning.

HE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

I feel like that whole thing was in real time.

That that's the fastest ever... It was pretty much,

he'd already spotted the blue book during another task.

He'd always been aware of the surroundings.

You know the show more than I know the show.

I love it, I'm a big fan. That was a dream come true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The time was three minutes 48.

APPLAUSE

So, the points are one point to Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,

four to Jess with her five minutes 31,

and five points to James Acaster!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So with that, with that, Jess has re-taken the series lead, it's going

hither and thither at this moment.

I feel like you're ready to hit us with another task.

Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready, because I am ready.

And for this one, the contestants really had to learn

to compose themselves.

Ah!

Hi!

Hi, Alex. Oh.

Hi, Rhod. All right?

Hello. ALL: Hello.

Hello, James.

Compose the best 30 second piece of music.

The best? Yes, please.

Oh, yes. Played into my hands here, mate. Fuck you.

You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.

Oh, my God!

Can you play all of these instruments?

We can play a mix of them.

I'm a percussionist myself.

'If you think of sticks at all... They're fine. You're not a musician, mate.

Um... What's that guy?

It's a melodica. Oh, let's have a go of that.

HE PLAYS MELODICA

Well that's staying.

APPLAUSE

Uh, another one of your catchphrases coming out there. "Fuck you."

Some of the others you've used throughout the series,

"Fuck you." "Bebeh." "I'm punk." "Suck it."

Just so you know.

Let's see...

A little bit more decorum when you write music.

Who should we see first?

Well, just to say the musicians would only do what they were told,

and we're going to see James and Jess.

And Kerry and Phil.

And Rhod. All creating their pieces. This is them composing. Lovely.

What sort of rhythm are we after?

Um... I reckon you guys can just vamp

a 12 bar blues structure for a bit and I'll try and think of a trump.

In the key of E minor, so it's melancholy.

We're in Eastern Europe.

HE PLAYS A LONG NOTE

Do the Hendrix chord.

Right, here we go.

Here we go!

OK, yeah, so let's just jam.

You might need to give us a bit more instruction. Oh, really?

A little match girl has arrived at a house.

A little what? Match girl.

Play a bit of music that sounds like this.

SHE HUMS A TUNE

HE REPEATS TUNE

HE IMITATES ROCK GUITAR

I've got to go, # Diddly-doo. # And then you go,

# Diddly-doo. # There we are.

'Now let's hear the matches. The matches? Yeah, shake the box properly, just to demonstrate.

MUTED GUITAR What the fuck was that?

# Do-do-do do-do-do do-do-do-do-do. #

# Ba! Da-da!

# Ba-ba-ba-ba. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. # OK?

# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be dingy-ding ding

# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be dingy-ding ding. #

# Ba-ba, beh-beh... #

# Do-do do-do do-do do... #

TUNE REPEATS ON INSTRUMENTS

That's pretty good!

I don't think I'm adding anything with this.

I like it. Do you? Yeah.

OK. You're right. It's my band anyway.

APPLAUSE

I quite fancy him.

'I hope you'll take this in the spirit it is intended, Jess, but sometimes

watching you is like watching an episode of Sesame Street.

LAUGHTER

"We're writing a song!"

That's really who I am.

I don't know why you're laughing, Kerry. What? "Diddly-do".

I mean, I cannot tell you how excited I am

to hear these pieces of music.

OK, let's do it. The first movement

which we're going to hear today

is by Philip Wang.

We're Kill Phil with the Yellow Blues.

One, two, three, four.

BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUES

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTE

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

'Did you essentially get some talented musicians to play 12 bar blues?

Uh, with a tune that I made up.

Did you hear the trumpet solo?

I heard the trumpet solo.

'It sounded like one of the band had his mum turn up outside and she was honking her horn.

Yeah, like how the blues was born!

I was told that you play the trumpet.

I PLAYED the trumpet.

In that clip.

LAUGHTER

Uh, OK, we are off to an absolutely terrible start.

What?!

'Let's see another wonderful piece of music. Would you like to see the lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes.

OK, this is Kerry's effort.

The masterclass!

Here's my band, Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes,

and it's called

Having A Great Time Any Time.

One, two, three, four.

BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNE

APPLAUSE

I felt like a parent watching it.

Proud? Proud or ashamed>

I had to rush from the meeting for the... Oh...

It was VERY GOOD, darling!

It was catchy.

It was a nice little tune, and I did, it wasn't like a standard

blues riff, I mean, I composed it from scratch.

No way.

It was... Brilliant.

Really good.

You know, it was vaguely engaging.

Who's next?

OK, we're going to see someone who has genuinely been in these bands.

Pin Drop, Three Line Whip

The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,

The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster.

APPLAUSE

We're Clump Stump, and this song is called Over My Shoulder.

# Over my shoulder!

# Older and older!

# That's what I told ya!

# Over my shoulder!

# I'm getting colder!

# Is that a boulder?

# Over my shoulder

# Older and older

# That's what I told ya! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can we dig down into what the lyrics were about?

Cos I know what the spirit of punk is all about. Yeah.

Not conforming, not fitting in,

not being told what to do by The Man upstairs.

You've got to look over your shoulder your whole life. Yeah.

Cos you never know who's sneaking up on you. Yeah.

You can't trust no-one.

That's why I sing over my shoulder,

older and older.

That's what I told ya.

'Then you started getting, you said, "I'm getting colder." Getting colder.

'I'm getting colder. And then you wondered if something was a boulder or not. Is that a boulder?

Yeah. Is that a boulder? That's a metaphor for what?

Like, is that a boulder? Yeah.

Or is it a big rock?

LAUGHTER

Right, it's the advertiser's turn for some air time now,

but more music coming up in part four,

'plus, who will win Jessica Knappett's Victorian Christmas cards?

It's nail-biting entertainment television.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome, it's the final part of the show,

and we're in the middle of a toe-tapping musical task.

Indeed we are, Greg. Armed with three talented musicians,

Kieron Towers, George Bismer, and of course,

yes, it was Dan Edwards,

the contestants are trying to compose

the best 30 second piece of music.

Next up, it's Jess.

Hi, we're the Easy Triangles,

and this is our new hit single.

Here I Am, I'm A Violin.

BAND PLAYS UP TEMPO VIOLIN TUNE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It strikes me that that jig -

would you call it a jig? Sure.

That jig is missing only one thing.

A jig. Someone to perform a lovely dance to it.

Jig, jig, jig, jig!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

APPLAUSE

Do you want me to conduct?

Yes.

Yes, please.

One, two, three, now!

JESS' TUNE PLAYS

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've taken

the spotlight away from your wonderful song.

No, please, all I ever wanted was for the people to dance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Rhod Gilbert. Here is Rhodri's tune.

This is the Ballad of The Toothless Goon,

performed by The Little Match Girls.

'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS Eastern Europe. We join our toothless goon

in an unassuming house, on an unassuming street, where he sits

by an unlit fire.

He snores, deeply.

Fast asleep, despite his cold and stony hearth.

Wait, what's this? A knock at the door.

KNOCKING

The little match girl, selling her wares.

'She can't get the toothless goon's attention. KNOCKING

So deeply does he sleep.

She shakes her matches and bangs the door, and in her desperation

she decides to knock at the window and shout.

(IN HIGH VOICE) Hi! Toothless goon!

Hello!

Toothless goon!

Despite her shouts of Toothless goon, the goon sleeps so deeply

our little match girl decides to come round

the back of the house and put the window through!

But still, our goon, he sleeps.

MUSIC CONTINUES SLOWLY

Deeply and loudly.

He dreams of teeth in days gone by,

and a lit hearth. Our little match girl approaches with her matches

and rests her hand

upon his slumbering shoulder.

Whereupon our goon wakes up with a startle!

HE SCREAMS

Whizzes round and shoots her shitting face off!

LAUGHTER

SAD NOTE

APPLAUSE

It's amazing how the last line of a beautiful song

can rug-pull the rest of it.

Rhod's composition was operatic,

in that it felt like it lasted about five hours.

LAUGHTER

How long did it last, actually, Alex?

It lasted three times as long as it should have.

A minute and a half. A minute and a half.

Was it supposed to last for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod,

it's a harder narrative to cram into 30 seconds

than "some people play blues"

and "An irritated mother honks her horn."

I'm not going to give anyone one point, that's the good news.

Because I thoroughly enjoyed all pieces of music.

You've been generous today. I am being generous today.

I am only going to give Phil two points,

because I think it'll encourage him to really dig down

and learn the trumpet properly next time.

I'm going to give Kerry three points.

It was a very pretty tune. Thank you.

I'm going to give Rhod four points, as well as James, because

'I think that story is going to be told for up to one month after this show.

LAUGHTER

And the most complete piece of music,

Jessica Knappett. Wow.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So let's see what that's done to the scoreboard.

Well, we have a three way tie for the lead

between James, Jess and Rhod, they're all on 15!

APPLAUSE

Right, it's that time again, please,

head up to the stage for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

All on a lovely stage, who's going to read the task? Rhod Gilbert.

Bob when you hear the surname of a famous Bob.

LAUGHTER

That's a bob, is it?

Brilliant.

Pat when you hear the surname of a famous Pat.

Kneel when you hear the surname of a famous Neil.

Stew when you hear the surname of a famous Stu.

Stew? Stu.

Do you mean stir?

Stew, the international sign language...

Anybody want some stew?

And wane when you hear the surname of a famous Wayne.

Like the moon, getting smaller, like the moon.

Right. I love this.

If you do an incorrect action or fail to do any action

within ten seconds of hearing the name,

you're disqualified.

Last person correctly bobbing,

patting, kneeling, stewing

or waning, wins.

So, blindfolds on, please.

Good luck, everybody.

Greg will say a surname, you then have ten seconds,

I will be counting the ten seconds.

At the end of that we see who's though to the next round.

Good. Here we go.

Marley.

LAUGHTER

That's it, yeah.

OK, OK.

And that's ten seconds up, they have all done the correct action.

I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be congratulated for doing one bob.

Next one.

Armstrong.

LAUGHTER

James Acaster! James Acaster. James, you must go back to the bench.

I was thinking about Lance! I was going to lance somewhere!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sit on the bench.

First man on the moon!

There are four left.

Sleep.

Sleep?

Wang! Sit down!

Wang is out!

Come home. Come home, Wang.

Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.

Second man on the moon.

OK, here we go, next name.

This is going to sort to wheat from the chaff.

Gretzky.

LAUGHTER

Gretzky? Gretzky.

Three seconds. He's got to do something.

Oooh!

OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry Godliman,

who referred to Pay Gretzky, who does not play ice hockey.

Wayne Gretzky does.

I knew that!

So we have a play off now.

Holness.

Holness.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Oooh.

I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.

Argh!

Unfortunately, Stewart Holness has retired.

The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,

Rhod Gilbert!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down, let's add that to the total scores and see where we are.

'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got to have really mixed things up. It has.

This episode, it was close right to the end, but thanks to Bob Holness,

the winner with 20 points

is Mr Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Rhod is the winner of episode eight.

Rhod, go collect your creepy clutter!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned if you're a lovely little match girl,

living in poverty,

be careful who you're charitable to,

or you might get your shitting face shot off.

See you next time for the penultimate part of this series.

Thank you. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media