Original subtitles

You haven't got me a nifty bully.

Oh, Bob, you do this every year.

I am not telling you what your prizes are.

Oh.

Shall we not bother with sprouts?

Nobody likes sprouts, do they? Oh, my God, is it a lava lamp? I'm not saying.

Oh, go on, give us a hint, please.

OK, it's a lava lamp. That's not a hint, that's just telling me.

Morning.

Hi, love. Morning.

Ooh, no lightning's rung. Who wants his jumper back?

Very good.

Right, where are we?

22nd of December. Ooh, reindeer on a skateboard.

Very modern.

Some... Oh, somebody's already opened it.

Eating for two, Prash.

Tinfoil and shower gel.

You're not going to eat those as well, are you?

I'll get the shopping for you.

Here's the work.

Just a bit of admin.

Michael, stop laughing.

Ma 'am, do some toast before you go with this.

Can't you make it yourself?

Nice jumper.

By the way, Noel Edmonds, right? Yeah.

All right? Hiya.

Ready for the off then, is it, boys?

I want you to have some breakfast, yeah?

So where do you decide to go in the end?

Tenerife or Skihead?

Um, I wanted to go to Tenerife to see Emma, but Mr. Passive -Aggressive here

stunk and said we ought to go skiing.

I'm not passive -aggressive. You are, if you say so.

So how can we help you, Carl? Oh, Wi -Fi's on the fritz butt, and then I need

check train times in Middlesbrough.

Oh, he's off up there boxing days, Bob. See little Genevieve. Oh.

It's marvellous, mind, how you've come to terms with the devastating break -up

of your marriage and the shattering of your heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

I never felt better, Bobs.

Of course, digging all them holes have helped. And you've filled them all back

in. I take it. Aye, garden's back to normal now, but... Stella!

Hiya.

Morning. But come on, who can who could be leaving?

The minute they're making toast.

There's no time for fancy...

Maybe if you all gave Stella a minute... Stella!

Stella, please, dear God, you have to help me. What is it?

Sorry, that came out a little more dramatically than I intended.

Stella, I wonder if you can do an extra shift at the frisky tonight.

Carol's had to go to her mum's and I'm rushed off my foot. No, I don't think

Stella's... But it's Jagdish's minced pie and a pint night.

The pub would be jam -jammed with mince pie punters.

Aye, all right. Go on, then.

Right.

Now, I've been meaning to say this for nearly three years.

Turning up at someone's house every time you want to speak to them is not normal

behaviour, OK?

Maybe try phoning.

Or texting.

Or you are.

I didn't say you were taking them all round.

I was giving you a hand.

Here.

It's all right.

Just drop me at Luke's and get on with your day. I'm sure you've got lots more

shagging to do.

I'm just trying to look after you.

I've had kids before, you know.

20 years ago.

18.

You know what I mean.

Can we at least talk about... You're not having a nanny.

It wouldn't be a nanny, just someone to help out occasionally.

You just want to thank the old pair.

What?

So, what are you doing today, apart from winding me up?

Actually, I'm working on Rob's probate.

Oh, it's taking ages, Windham, now. I know. And there are still a few things I

need to discuss with Luke, but he's not answering my calls.

Don't worry. I'll have a word now when I see him. Then I'll meet you up at the

hospital after I've shown my face at this planning thing. It's 11, the

appointment, isn't it? Sweetheart, you're running around like Mo Farah on a

motorbike. What?

I forgot my material.

Hello. Back in a sec.

presents out. Yes, you did.

Oh yeah.

They brill.

You're going to be even briller tomorrow, aren't you, in your little

know what you're talking about.

All right, go on. If you go.

Yeah, you can.

This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

This is the size of the turkey we've got. Bigger than Jack.

Oh, I'm so going to miss having you lot at mine, especially with Ben and Emma

away. Oh, ma 'am, come on. Me and Zoe never had a Christmas at all. I know,

just saying.

Oh, Michael said he'd been trying to get hold of you.

Some legal stuff to do with Rob's will.

Yeah. He needs you to give him a call, he does.

I see.

You're not avoiding him, are you?

Michael, I mean.

No. He's been busy, that's all.

I know it's difficult thinking about your dad.

Especially first Christmas without him.

But I think it's quite important, this will stuff.

I'm going to the cemetery tomorrow, if you want to come.

Don't start, all right?

Mum, I'm fine.

Stop worrying.

Shuri!

Shuri!

Shuri! Every time.

I'd like to call order this meeting of the Ponteberry Christmas Planning Group.

Sorry. Sorry.

Here she is, nine months pregnant and half an hour late. Please make a note in

the minute.

Duly noted.

What's me being pregnant got to do with anything?

Given your age, I'd say it was a Christmas miracle.

My Rian is younger than her. Aunt's near a cocking granny.

Stella's a granny and all, none of us.

Put her there, kids!

Oh, you're wonderful for your age, my Stella. Fair play.

You're wonderful for your age, my Stella.

Fair play.

Cheryl, you're not writing everything down, are you? Don't be telling me how

take minutes, Stella Jackson.

Order! Order!

Thank you!

Now, as you know, tomorrow at two o 'clock, we welcome the delegation from

Ponterberry's Twin Town.

Aunty Brenda, I hear you cry. Pray tell, what is the name of Pottery Twin Town?

Skjorksberg!

Where to's that, then?

Skjorksberg is only the fifth biggest town in Lapland, Glenbrennig. Joint

actually.

Anyway... The delegation arrives tomorrow afternoon, so there's no time

slacking. Let's show them that Ponterberry is the most Christmassy town

whole of Wales.

Sorry I'm late.

Dodgy kebab.

Dodgy kebab.

A bit over the top, is it?

Do you really need all this decoration?

We've got a delegation from abroad.

There's no such word as a bit over the top in it. Do you really need all this

decoration? But how are you paying for it all?

Well, between you, me and this luminous snowman, we have to make cuts on some

non -essential council services like the library and the youth club and the

fire brigade. Don't cock and puss run!

It's motivational.

The celestial chariot ain't looking very celestial, you amped -o' -bead. And

what are them wings doing on the ground?

Aye, I'm allergic to feathers, Amity Bren, so I made my own.

They made a bake -off oil?

Aye, but... This is a professional Christmas parade slash civic reception,

school nativity plate. Now, get him on.

Bless you.

Don't encourage him. Now.

Stell, I need you to meet the health and safety officer for the Ponterberry

Parade. Who's that, then?

Tabard, defibrillator and an 80 -page booklet on public liability insurance.

But I'm going to... I know, I'm taking a big risk. What with you and your

condition and age.

But Cheryl said no, so it was either you or... I'll put the cones out.

them away. Nobody's interested.

I'll be so blue just thinking about

you.

Decoration on a green

Christmas tree won't be

the same, dear.

roundabout deep pan crispy pizza.

Hello, Carl.

I wasn't expecting to see you.

Didn't we see Box, Cindy?

I thought I was coming to you, babes, on Box, Cindy.

Things change, Carl. The seasons, the tides, they're prevented unstrictly.

I've left Ivan Schloss. Schloss.

Carl, I stand before you now as a sorrowful, beautiful, regretful and

woman.

Right. I have caused you hurt and pain and heartache, and for that I am

I'm not going to lie.

I do hope that one day you'll be able to forgive me, because time...

Like Acrorobex.

He's a great healer.

I've come back to you, Carl.

That's like... Well, you know... It's done then.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Well, I'll put the kettle on then, is there?

We haven't been called, have we? No, no, it's the wedding.

Oh, God, take this, will you?

God, it weighs a ton.

Hey, I spoke to Luke. He said he's going to give you a call.

All right, good.

How far did you carry this? Not far.

Do you know, we still haven't been to Rob's grave.

I suppose we all grieve in different ways, don't we? Yeah, maybe.

But I think I'd better go and have a chat with Zoe. I'll pop round tonight

see her before my chef. Hang on still.

You're doing too much.

Mickey, Jake, Kex, look who it is. All right, what are you doing here? Oh,

up for the baby, it is.

Beyonce, you're not... Oh, don't be daft. I'm here with Brittany, I am, my

cousin -like.

Hiya, all right?

Look who's here, baby Jay. It's Weekend Daddy.

I'm not a massive fan of the term Weekend Daddy.

Well, I can hardly call you Weekends and Wednesdays plus every other Tuesday,

Daddy, can I? OK, so just Daddy, then, yeah?

Lovely little lad. Don't any change my life you have since I got back with Bea?

Put things in perspective, like, hey, we should go for a pint tonight, Mike.

Talk about being his dad.

Er, no, no, I can't do tonight.

Yeah,

we've got that thing, haven't we still?

What?

Oh, yeah, the thing.

Can't cancel the thing.

Of course, it's different being parents at your age.

Why?

Lots of women give birth in their 40s. It's quite common.

I know, my Nana Pat.

She had Uncle Clayton at 47.

And look how he turned out. Legend.

Yes, although there can be complications when the mother's old.

Not that you're older, just old for a woman. I mean, for a mum.

I'm just saying you're the oldest person in the room and... I'll stop talking

now.

Kekes, I just remembered.

That thing tonight, it had been cancelled.

So Mikey would love to go for a drink with you.

Get in there. Put it there, Mikey.

You and me are going to get slaughtered.

Hello.

So, the delegation from Lapland will arrive tomorrow at two at the railway

station to be welcomed by the great and good of Ponterberry.

Do that include me?

Are you great or good?

No.

Then on Christmas Eve we will gather on the steps of the town hall for the

biggest festival of light in the history of mankind.

History of mankind.

Which means looking our best. Which means not getting our wings dirty.

I'm building an immunity to the feathers.

How are we getting on with finding a celebrity to switch on the lights?

I've got Sting on a heavy pencil.

Nothing to say Christmas like Sting.

He do want a lot of money, mind thing.

Tell him it's for the cock in rain forest.

Cock in rain forest.

Bloody hell.

It's Nadine Bevan.

I know what you're going to say, because I know how quickly rumours are spread.

And this is coming straight from the horse's mouth.

Not that I'm an horse, because that would be disgusting.

But I'm back in Ponterberry for good.

There, I said it.

Middlesbrough is not the land of dreams that everyone thinks it is.

And me and my beloved Carl are making a go of it.

And that's that.

I don't want to hear another word.

You spelt Middlesbrough wrong.

I'm the church who comes over here.

Service. We're there now.

So you keep saying.

I mean, pies are on their way, all right? My nan and pap have been working

bollocks off all day on that Christmas festival thing.

Aye. Diana first, I am. I'll hunger.

Pre -cocking pie, it is, eh? Ah, the pies are almost ready.

Five more minutes and they'll need taking out. Gotcha.

Can I leave that in your capable hands while I deal with the in -house

entertainment? Right you.

Now then,

do you mind if I sing a few show tunes?

Well, actually, we're folk singers.

Versatility.

That's the key if you want to make it in this business.

Now, where do I get plugged in?

I was a bit of a crack dad in the early days with little Leona.

But I made up for it in about six months, I have. And me and her, we're

that now.

That's lovely.

I'm going to nick you everything I never had, sweetheart.

Um, yeah, still, yeah, you know.

Get me some twiglets, Mike.

And a pickled egg.

foreclose in.

You're next, OK?

You said that 20 minutes ago.

How are you doing?

Yeah, great.

Listen, I'm going to head off now.

I don't know if you're new best friend, is there?

Actually, Stella... If I don't get served sharpish, I am going to serve

The thing is... Hang on a minute, Prash. It can wait. I'll see you later.

Stella! Just don't be cross, OK?

Yes, Jack, what is it?

Looks like our musical friends over there don't know the works of Sammy

Jr. And they call themselves a swing band.

Yeah, but they're focusing as they are, Jack.

Yes. Well, you might as well start handing out the pies anyway.

Oh, bollocks.

How'd it go?

Did you cope?

Of course.

Why wouldn't I?

So, listen.

Normally I would have checked with you, but you've been so busy.

Well, we've both been so busy. And it's all a bit last minute. But in a really

good way. So, when she called... When who called?

What's going on?

Well, that room's more like a cupboard than a bedroom, but I'm not one to

complain. Stella, this is Valerie, my big sister.

Oh, Valerie!

Not her! No, no, Dahlia, get up. I was only going to make... Not a word.

The kettle's boiled. I'm on the case.

Oh.

You look like a bird with a broken wing, poor love.

Oh, come here.

Don't get me wrong.

I love having her here.

I just don't understand why she's not spending Christmas with your parents.

She's changed her mind.

She's very spontaneous like that.

Family trait.

Is it?

Yeah, I can be very spontaneous.

With a few days notice, yeah.

Right, just for that, I'm having today's chocolate.

You can have tomorrow and Christmas Day.

Michael, I'm your decent.

We are, love. Yeah, come on in, Belle.

Morning. I've made breakfast.

Be down in five minutes, OK?

Lovely. Down in a tick, Belle.

Love it when you do that.

Do what?

We've got eggs, bacon, beans, mushrooms, black pudding, two types of sausage and

French toast.

This is amazing, Valerie.

Thank you.

When did you get all this stuff?

Oh, I've always been an early riser, eh, Michael?

Yeah, we always have, love. Pass the toast, please, Bobby. Oh, my God.

It's all due.

What?

For a load of washing in and giving the floor a good going over. You don't mind,

do you, Stella?

No, I love it. Thank you.

Oh, good.

Because this place was a bit of a pigsty.

No offence.

None taken.

And I put some presents under the tree.

There's one for you and all, Bobby. Oh, what is it, what is it, what is it, what

is it, what is it? Don't mind him, Val.

He's like a little kid.

That's half the fun, and don't go ruining it, you.

Oh, he's just like our Michael. You know, every morning in December, he used

get up in his little jimmy jams and cry because it wasn't Christmas Day yet. He

didn't always cry.

No. Sometimes he'd wet himself.

Anyway, I'm picking Jackson up in a bit. Thought I'd take him to that welcome

party thing. What are you up to? I've got to buy the turkey and do some last

-minute chopping.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Do you think that's wise in your condition?

What a point, doll.

It's not a condition, Val. I'm just pregnant, that's all.

Oh, yeah, that's the spirit.

But I'll come along and give you a hand anyway, just in case it gets a bit too

much. It sounds like something liquidy.

Is it aftershave? Could be bath oil? Right in one.

Will you please stop doing that?

Come on, chop -chop. The delegation from Lapland will be here in three hours and

17 minutes.

It's a no -can -do on Sting and the welcome reception.

Why ever not?

He's got to take his dog down the vents. But he's to say he'd be here tomorrow

for the festival of cocking lights.

These people, honestly.

Annie, do you want a Winnie, big girl?

This is Poulterbury, not Glastonbury.

Tell him he can use the portal on the high street.

Right -o.

Bad news, I'm afraid, Mrs Sting.

No joy in the Winnie Mandela. Nadine, bye -bye. All right.

You're late.

Aye, aye.

No, no problem.

Need a hand?

Oh, the more the merrier, Presh.

But I thought you'd be with Carl, making up for lost time.

He's giving January the bath, he is.

We've both agreed that after so much time apart, we should have some more

apart.

Right.

Screwing these in, is it?

Yes.

So what happened then between you and Ivan?

It was the little things, really.

His depressive mood, cooking everything with dumplings, getting his words the

wrong way round.

And you'd never noticed that before?

Don't be disgusting.

Anyway, I'm just glad I realised before it was too late.

I'm back now, and I've never been so happy my whole entire life.

Oh,

please let me carry something. I feel really mean.

Don't be deaf. Not in your condition.

It's not a condition, Valerie.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry. I can be a bit bossy.

There you go.

Now, if you're feeling tired, they do do wheelchairs in some Swiss market. No,

you're all right.

I might just have a little sit down for a minute.

It's my ankles, it is.

Oh, they swell up like bloody balloons.

Anyway.

Valerie?

Out of the way, please. Woman with child coming through.

Woman with child?

It's not the Old Testament.

What's next?

Parsnips and cranberry sauce.

I can get the cranberry sauce.

I'll get the parsnips.

You see?

Don't move.

There you go, dear.

Bless you.

So, when they arrive, I went spontaneous cheering and flag -waving, and then the

traditional Lapland dancers will... Where's the traditional Lapland dancers?

Not a bastard clue.

But you were the entertainment committee.

I thought I was cultural liaison.

No, that's Barbie.

I thought I was counter -terrorism.

Oh, amateurs, a lot of whom. Oh,

now, we haven't got any traditional... How was your morning?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

It was, uh... You know, fun.

Valerie stayed at home to clean the windows.

She said you could write your name in them.

She then did, to prove a point.

Yeah, she's quite something, isn't she?

Yeah.

Della Jackson!

No time for chitter -chatter!

Go to the health and safety station!

Excuse me.

Duty call.

And put on your tabard and hat!

Hello.

Hi, Michael.

How are you built?

Big smile.

Big welcome. Look, I don't want to hassle you, Luke, but it would be good

talk to you about your dad's will. I know. Not now, though, eh? No,

But if you're around later... Later, yeah.

Who on earth is that beneath the door?

I think that's the people of Storksburg.

What's his name again?

Horst.

Horst. Horst!

With a T.

As in, who's that over by the way it's Horst?

And where to do you say the others were?

Something to do with Walrath Herding.

You look lush, little E, like a proper little angel.

Now, you know when to sing?

Yes, Dad.

Good lad. Zoe, take a picture.

Another one?

Yes, another one.

Here you go.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Fury, fury, fury.

Every time.

I'd like to begin by extending a warm welcome for our visitor.

From abroad.

Has anybody seen that the... Oh! Oh!

Excuse me.

Over the coming days, I look forward to meeting you and getting to know you one

by one.

Anyway, moving on.

Perhaps our honoured guest would like to say a few words.

Hello. Thank you.

So, now, the children of Ponterberry will bless us with a

lovely Christmas carol.

Here you are.

Take it away.

By the way, this choir ain't just for you. I'll just move in a minute.

I said move!

Luke, what's that?

It's just a few carols.

Luke!

I thought you would be with Nadine, my friend.

Catching up?

Nah, she's giving Genevieve a bath, she is.

And it's good for us to have time apart.

Lots of couples do it.

Even though we've not seen each other for six months.

Still, you must be over the moon that she's back.

Aye.

Stunning, it is, Jug.

Absolutely stunning.

I mean, it's a bit big on the shoulders, like, but it'd be stunning for Carl.

Oh, I can't believe you've got him an arm, haven't you?

How much was it?

700 quid.

700!

I know, but I feel like I owe him.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy to be back.

Very, very happy.

I can't stop smiling. See?

Forgive me, Carl, but I have been through a marriage breakup myself, and

sometimes there can be conflicting emotions.

I know that.

I've been Skyping Big Dave on the rigs, I have.

Heroes say that marriage is like a bedrock of shale.

Brittle, hard to find, and buried under 300 metres of igneous sediment.

I'm not sure that analogy stretches. The point is, it's perfectly normal to be a

bit... Confused -like.

Perfectly normal?

Yes, I came back as I had nowhere else to go.

But it's still the right thing to do.

Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought, Jake.

And you know the worst thing from pretending to love someone and staying

them for the next 60 years or so?

Burying your feelings and trying not to think. It's totally normal.

Like waking up at three o 'clock in the morning.

And you can't breathe because there's a tight band around your chest.

So you go downstairs to finish off your model at the Taj Mahal because it's the

only thing that stops you from screaming out loud.

I mean, it's normal, right?

Yes, sure.

Of course today is all totally normal.

Right.

It's very cold.

I'm used to preserving bad heat.

Have you heard of sting?

Rainforest? Exactly. Well, to court sting, don't stand, don't stand so,

stand so close to me.

Are you sure you can't sting in a hotel?

I spent all my money on travel and hearing.

Right, you can sleep on the couch. I'm off to bed.

Big day tomorrow.

Lots to plan.

Ah, ah, ah!

Make yourself at home.

He'd come all the way from Lapland.

I didn't realise it was an actual place.

Near Finland, it is.

Or in Finland.

He's having to stay with Aunty Brenda.

Poor sod.

Still, at least he's not having to stay with Valerie.

Lucky sod.

Not long to go now.

Nice to have a baby to look after again.

You know, an actual baby that doesn't go skiing or move to Tenerife.

Luke seems to be getting on with things.

Throwing himself into Christmas.

Oh, pretending to.

You know what he's like. He won't say if there's anything wrong, not even if...

Sorry.

Bloody hormones.

It's just that Luke is actually behaving like a bloody idiot.

It's beautiful up here this time of the morning.

Like about yesterday.

Sorry I went off on one. I just wanted to film Jack and Sophie. They look so

bloody cute.

Yeah, they do.

I mean, you don't know when their memories will come to an end, do you?

How long are they going to have their dad around for?

Why do you have to come back, eh?

25 years I had without him, I was fine.

And, OK, I thought about him now and then. Of course I did, but he wasn't

of my life.

Or someone that he really knew or cared about.

And sometimes... Sometimes I wish it stayed that way.

You don't mean that, Flash.

I do.

Because I can't stop thinking about him.

I keep trying to fill my day, fill my head, anything to get away from thinking

about him, but I can't.

Was he just stayed in fucking Canada?

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

What am I going to do?

Oh, Lukey.

It's all right.

I got you.

Sometimes I sleepwalk on my farm.

I thought you were a yuck.

What? Forgive me. They too are a stout creature with a warm hide.

I'm just getting Christmas dinner prepared.

But I was going to do that.

Yes, but you're not now, are you?

No, but I said I was going to do it all tomorrow.

You just risk them swollen ankles.

And you.

They're not as swollen as those are.

Now, don't tell me the onion's doing that.

I'm absolutely fine.

No more pens in the attic, I'm afraid.

You'll have to make do.

You OK?

The poor love's been crying.

Like you said, Michael, she's not coping.

You said what?

I didn't put it quite like that. I'll put the kettle on, make you a nice cup

tea. I just said you were tired.

But I'm not tired.

Oh, you're right about her being stubborn.

Val! What?

And if what I've heard's true, you mustn't let her within a mile of a mince

And after that, it's the big switching on of the lights, plus music from Sting,

and then a speech from the Lapland delegation.

Where is the Lapland delegation, by the way?

Over there.

I told him to maintain a ten -yard distance at all times.

Look at these cables!

This is a lawsuit waiting to be happened!

Where's my health and safety officer?

Health and safety!

Health and safety!

Hang on a sec.

Fine, but on you and Ed, be it. There's someone to die in the meantime.

Auntie Brenda, Sting have arrived.

Finally, some good news.

All right, boot.

You are Sting?

Aye, but if we could check out to Terry Lewis, 75 quid, or cash in hand,

preferably, and the petrol money, all right?

You are Sting? Yes, I also do Hannibal Lecter and Bruno Brooks.

Oh, give me strength.

Right, this is what's going to happen.

When I announce you, keep your head held down and make sure you face away from

the crowd when you sing.

Sorry, love.

I don't do the voice.

Do drinks for one at the Frisky Fox?

Do drinks for one at the Frisky Fox?

Do drinks for one at the Frisky Fox?

Jag, I'm sorry about the other night.

Oh, no, don't worry. These things happen.

And look at all these lovely potential customers here.

Once the light show is over, the Frisky Fox is going to make a killing.

Oh, glad to see you for cheery.

Oh, yes.

Tonight we're going to party like it's 1989.

1999.

No, 1989 was a better year for me, personally.

Two dinks for one at the Frisky Fox.

Hello. Hiya.

Valerie wants to say something.

I know I can take over and be a busybody sometimes, but I'm only trying to help.

Yeah, all right.

Apology accepted.

It's just to forget myself on occasion, you know.

It's OK.

I mean, when Michael invited me, he said I might have to watch because she can

get a bit tinchy and paranoid. Why did you lie?

It wasn't a lie, as such.

Well, you said she came of her own accord.

OK, it was a white lie.

But it came from a good place. I mean, whenever I tried to help, you won't let

me. I thought it might be easier for Val.

Yeah, and can you blame him, Stella? I mean, look at you.

Look at me.

Look!

Will you, boys, please?

People are staring.

Yeah, and if they weren't staring, I would take this cable and I would shove

right up your arse! Stella!

I see.

Very well.

Valerie!

There's really no need for that.

Listen, Michael, I have brought up two sons and a daughter pretty much on my

own, while sometimes holding down three jobs. So I don't need a lecture from

your domineering, selfish, know -it -all sister, who, quite frankly, doesn't

want to help, just wants to show off and show me up. I just think you're

being... What do you think, Michael?

Hmm? Seemeth foul that I'm too old, that I'm not able to cope.

Oh, careful as you go, Stella.

You can barely put one foot in front of the other, Stella. I know, Michael, I'm

so delicate.

Thank God I've got you here to save me.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

We really ought to get you checked out. Everything all right?

Yeah, I'm just... No, no, you'll be in the hospital.

I'm going home to get the car. Mike!

There's no need for that, bud.

I've not eaten like that in months.

I've got to say, Dean, I have missed your reheating.

It's the least I can do.

Of course, there are other things that a woman to do for a man, which I'd be

happy to do again, if you didn't trip dead.

Guess how many matchsticks it takes to make the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

A lot.

That's right, a lot.

That is fascinating.

I was completely unaware of that.

The baby's absolutely fine.

Are you sure?

Do I still feel a little bit tender?

This scanner doesn't need a trick.

It's probably just nature's way of saying, take it easy.

I'll give you a minute.

Thank you, Doctor.

I'm an idiot.

A selfish, bloody idiot.

Hey, come on. Oh, but people were right, weren't they? I'm not a superwoman.

I'm a middle -aged mother who's too proud for her own good, who's put all

before the most precious thing in the world. You've spent your whole life

proving people wrong. You're allowed a day off sometimes.

Come on. No harm done, eh?

Oh, God.

What? It's Valerie.

Yeah, I'm getting the train back to Wolverhampton, as it's clear I'm no

wanted. I'm sure we agree it's for the best.

Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Thanks very much.

You sure about this? Yeah, cos he would hear enough.

Aunty Brenda would kill me otherwise.

Thank

you

all for that wonderful display of live fish gutting.

And now to...

And now to the main event of the evening, the official switching on of

Ponterberry Festival of Light.

By fucking things!

A little issue there.

Unfortunately, Sting is unable to join us tonight due to illness

caused by a buggy caught in the rainforest.

No thing.

No thing.

I'm missing the two fucking Ronnies because of it. But all is not lost.

We have hunted high and low and scoured the country and found a very special

guest to switch on the light.

No problem.

Happy to help.

Mayor Archie Brenda of Pontyberry.

Oh, you are shitting me.

So, counting down.

Five, four.

People, I give you the Pogdeberry Festival of Light.

And you know what? There's

more. I'm not done.

No, sorry. Have you ever dreamt of seeing Pogdeberry?

my hand in front of my face.

Go down.

Oh, there we are.

That's better, isn't it?

Do you know what all those candles remind me of?

That candle shop in Rell.

Don't know why. Must be how my mind works.

Are you creative -like?

Yes, I am.

And do you remember what you said to me in that candle shop?

Mm -hmm.

I said you were a fire risk.

They said your genes were so tight that sparks were flying from your arse when

you walked.

You always had a way with words.

It's actually quite romantic, isn't it?

Aye.

I imagine you do want to rip the clothes off of my body and ravish it.

Well, there's no rush, like.

Fine, Carl.

I can tell you're on fire.

Exactly. No.

Not me.

The Taj Mahal!

I'm honest, they don't look much like the Taj Mahal.

Well, I say Taj Mahal, they've renamed it now the Rosa Bengel Brasserie.

It's not the Taj Mahal in the high street.

Oh, no, it's the Rosa Bengel.

It's the bloody Taj Mahal, the one in India.

I don't understand.

You don't understand nothing?

I'm doing my best, all right?

I'm doing all this for you. Me?

I don't need it.

Whatever it is.

Just go, Nadine.

Go.

I don't want you here no more.

Let me hold it.

Ben?

Mum? What's happened?

I was going to ask you the same question.

Why, it was no problem.

It's just when we got to pick up our bags and Superman, you picked a fight

a luggage carousel. It was going too quick. The bags were disappearing.

No, they weren't. They come round again. How many more times?

Yeah, well, it's easy to say that now, isn't it?

Cos it's obvious, that's why.

And what about you?

I went to help him. Got my foot caught and broke my leg.

In two places.

Oh, well.

At least you're both safe.

Kind of.

And you're home for Christmas.

Yeah. Bring out your dents!

out, you're dead.

Christ. It's taken me a whole hour to get home. I walked into four lampposts

a cat.

Good Lord.

What are you two doing back?

All I ever wanted to do was put Ponterberry on the map.

Now I've ruined it.

And I've ruined Christmas.

It's not that bad.

Sorry? What?

I said it's not that bad.

Not that bad?

I've blacked out half a wheel. There's not even a war on.

Oh, people will say I'm not fit for public office.

May I?

In Lettland, we have a saying.

This is not time for tales from Lapland. It's a disaster.

Ten yards.

I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. I shouldn't have

put all my mince pies into one basket. Maybe I went a bit far. I'm only trying

my best for pod to bury. Maybe next year I'll just go away for the week. Cancel

Christmas! I'd be pleased to know I'm handed in my mirror change and quitting.

In Skjortberg, the winters are long.

Three months without sunlight.

It can be lonely and sad.

So we say...

It's a way of making the best of what we have.

Well, that's all very well, but what can we do? The whole town is out of power.

And everybody has gone home.

Even if we get them out again, what would they do?

Make the best of what you have.

Every time.

Now, I know we've

had a little mishap this evening, but we aren't going to let a lack of lighting

and heating affect us. We are Welsh, after all. And we lived hundreds of

without it.

What's all this?

It's Christmas Eve since three wise men found a baby in the Wattenham. Bring

whatever you can. Food, games, decoration.

Uh, bring to where?

Snow is falling all around me Children playing,

having fun It's the season, love and understanding

Merry Christmas

Everyone.

Time for party and celebration.

People dancing all night long.

Time for presents and exchanging kisses.

Time for singing Christmas songs.

What a nice way to spend the year.

It's trying to cancel it.

And I'm sorry.

Never snows at Christmas.

That's the rules.

Disappointing if you're a kid.

Or an adult.

Some more papers arrived today.

I really wanted to wait until we sat down together, but it won't be till

Christmas now.

Well, some things can wait and some things can't.

It's from your dad.

Never was one for letters.

Truth be told, I was never that great at talking in person either.

We've got that in common, you and me.

That and the rugged good looks.

The day I found out you were born was the happiest day of my life.

I loved you instantly.

Even without seeing you.

And it may have taken us 25 years to meet, but I never stopped loving you in

that time.

Every single day.

And wherever you are now, whatever you're doing, I want you to know that

still loving you.

That just never goes away.

So cheer up, you grumpy bugger.

It's all good, Luke.

All good.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

There we are. Christmas pudding on the house.

I'm sorry I threatened to shove a cable

up your arse. Oh, I deserved it.

You really did.

Shall we agree on something?

What's that? If something works for me, every time, never fail.

When in doubt, blame Michael.

Blame Michael for what?

Everything.

Well, I'm glad to see you two have made up.

Not so glad it's to my expense.

Serves you right.

All right.

Well?

Out the way, Michael. What? Out the way!

I'm glad to see you've learned something from the nursing training I gave you,

Stella Morris.

Jackson.

You OK?

Oh, God almighty.

Stella? What is it?

I might have known you'd want to upstage the celebration.

It was intentional, Aunty Brenda.

Like not my Michael Jackson. I'm only being watch a call.

Are you all right, Mum?

Anything I can do, Mum.

I'm all right, Chris.

Wish Marge was here. She delivered a few donkeys in a time, see?

Actually, Glenn, where is Marge?

Donkey Derby.

In Derby. Yes, well, as interesting as that might be. We talk of donkeys.

A walrus. Now, that is a bird.

I have seen grown men struggle for days.

Pull, Lincoln.

Pull, Lincoln.

Pull, Lincoln.

I've got the crisps. Got to keep the cotton strength up.

Thanks, Ria. I had four packs of smoky bacon when I popped this one out.

Please stop, Cotton.

The ambulance is on its way.

Might be quite a while. Well, anyone down at the council where they go, where

I? You all stood around here gawking.

Give this lady some driver's pay. Go on. Get out of here. Out, out, out.

Shoo. Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.

Uh, Cheryl?

Think we might need you?

Oh, I've got to be honest. I'm not great with birds.

You're a nurse?

Yeah, but midwifery?

Never a strong module for me.

Can you really take a look?

Now, listen.

Everyone do have their weak points.

Mine being for Jojo.

That'll be for Jojo's with baby dad popping out of them.

Could be. Right, just take a look, woman.

Can you see the head?

Yeah, I can confirm I do see an head.

Give me strength.

Right.

Come on, then.

Tell her, love, let's do this together.

I'm sorry about earlier, with the mortals.

I'm sorry too.

I didn't mean to burn down the Taj Mahal.

Dean.

He'd known for months.

He was the only thing I could think about.

But now it's like when you've drilled through the ocean floor and into the

natural gas cavity.

But the pressure from the gas is forced in on itself and into the sediment rock.

So there's nothing left to pump.

But whatever have happened, we'll always have Genevieve away.

She's the most important thing.

Aye, she is.

Happy Christmas, Carl.

Happy Christmas, Nadine.

I can't believe I'm having a baby in a fucking pub!

You're doing brilliantly.

See? And Val's not one for compliments. Are you, Val? Not now, Michael. Now,

darling. Take my hand and give it a big squeeze. The next time you feel a

contraction. Michael, take her other hand.

Give Bill another one.

You squeeze as hard as you want.

That's it. Good girl.

Is there anything we should be doing? I mean, you probably know more about this

than we do.

What do you need?

Drugs.

I need drugs.

Lots of drugs.

I don't think that's going to happen. Anything else?

I just need something to take my mind off the earth.

She's in agony, but there.

Poor girl, she needs something to help her relax.

Any ideas?

I could play my spoons.

I can burn the national anthem.

Kind of wicked.

Any other ideas?

Yeah.

I've got one.

We will walk you, walk you, walk you.

Mary's little babies sleep, sleep,

sleep, sleep.

Sleep in comfort from the deep.

Maybe give Stella some space, yeah?

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

She's got you annoyed.

And Michael's mouth.

There's a bit of me in there somewhere. I expect.

Yeah, I expect so.

You have a name yet.

No, I haven't thought.

She looks like a friend.

No.

What is wrong with people?

May I?

Oh, I'm sorry, Prash. We're not going to call her Horst.

What? No.

Horst is a man's name.

I was going to suggest Wilhelmina Hildegard, government's daughter.

Right.

Thanks for that.

Anyone else? I know.

How about Emma? After Emma?

But then I'd have two daughters called Emma, Carl.

Exactly. Don't be disgusting.

It's Christmas. How about a Christmassy name?

What, like Jesus?

How about Holly?

Definitely not Ivy.

Holly.

I like that.

Me too.

In fact, I love it.

Hello, Holly.

I say we take a vote. This is meant to be a democracy after all.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas, Pratch.

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