Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Well, do you want to marry me or what?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Remember when we'd been going out for six months?

You made me that little silver heart.

I am to move to the historic town of Middlesborough.

Well, I'm not his father. Who is?

Jack is.

Orc, how do you actually spell your name? Is it O -R -K?

No, it's O -A -K.

Orc, isn't it? Like the tree?

Douchebag. Hey.

Brother, who cares about spelling? It's just another form of social

imprisonment.

Coming through.

Ponteberry's newest and finest.

Sorry,

babe. Loving life.

Anyone fancy some porridge?

No way. It's like eating papi mashy. You don't look the type to eat porridge,

Del. I always think of you as a bit of a sausage muncher. Yeah, well, I'm trying

to lose the stone, aren't I?

What for?

Nothing. I noticed you put on a bit since I've been away.

Oh, love of needs, a body, you know. It's the milk inside the coconut that

counts, not the hairy, hoary shell.

Were you saying, Oak, that I'm a hairy, hoary shell?

In a way, yeah.

Nice. Well, good God, I have seen it all now.

That Michael Jackson moving boxes and all sorts into his garden shreds. Don't

tell me he finally left you.

Oh, shut up.

He's turning it into an office, that's all, till he finds somewhere more

permanent. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, eh?

One minute a high -flying city lawyer on the banks of the South Bank, next

thing, setting up office on a Ponderbury allotment.

But who are?

Right, you lot, clear up after you. I'm taking Michael his porridge.

She's nothing but a slave to that man.

No pride.

Give me an around him, like bossing him from downtown.

But, I'll say it again.

Here we are.

Sex after breakfast.

This is fun.

Decadent. I was going to say naughty, but decadent sounds so much better.

Do you know what?

I've been in this bed a few times. Oh, you most certainly have.

And I always wonder why you've only got one bedside table.

Oh.

Well, I... I haven't had need of two before.

After the divorce, I... Dad!

Get his on for my visa.

Just a minute. Ganto said you'd gone back to bed. Are you ill or what the

Just a minute.

I'm sorry, but this...

This is exactly what it looks like.

I can't believe you haven't told her.

Not even Katie?

No. Or Ben, or Luke, or Emma?

No. Surely you can tell Banjo.

Go on, then.

Banjo, Stella and I are getting married.

But you're not to breathe a word, OK?

Oh,

I've ordered my dress.

He's a size too small, but I thought that would give me a goal.

You know, like two months to lose a stone.

I'm going up Dr Crony's now in a bit to get some of them slimming tablets.

Why do women always buy dresses a size smaller than they actually are? Why not

just buy the right size?

You know nothing about female psychology, do you?

You say that again.

What if Beyonce isn't lying?

What if Jackson really isn't my boy?

I miss him so much still, but I don't even know if he's...

Mine to miss.

Look, for what it's worth, I was there when that baby was born, and he was the

splitting image of you.

Splitting image, not splitting.

Is it? Yeah.

Anyway, when babies are newborn, they look like their dads, apparently.

Harks back to when we were apes or lions or something.

Lions, are you sure? And that baby was definitely yours.

Now, I might be wrong about it, of course I might, but I don't think I am.

It's a definitely spitting image, not spitting.

Yeah.

I thought we could pop down the market today, Nads.

Angry Paul said he's got some cracking new stuff on the store.

Like these wind -up squirrels, ever so lifelike.

He got, um, grey, and a red,

and a dusty pink, and a... Nadine, I know you are angry.

But please, meet me at the bench at two.

I must with you speak.

We've got to get one for Genevieve, right?

Yeah, whatever.

I do love angry folk.

Cracking sense of humour.

You seem to have brought half of Ibiza back with you.

Where's Danny?

Dead out there.

He's got a job in a bar.

Oh, so you... I know. We haven't split up.

I'm going back next week.

I just popped home for a few days to surprise you. And what do I find? Are

sleeping with the pub cleaner?

She is not the pub cleaner. Yes, she is. She is my love.

Oh, please.

Who happens to be the pub cleaner.

It's all so seedy, Dad. The whole thing.

I mean, what's she really after, hmm?

I thought you might want this to be a laundry.

It's an ironing board.

Stella, what are you doing here?

Baby's not ill, is he?

No, it's just a check -up.

Hello, sweetheart.

See, I do care about my baby.

I know it's a shock.

Why are you here? You sick?

No, just fat.

Hello.

Isn't it fresh?

How about Michael?

I will not leave this doorstep until you believe me when I say I do not care one

toot what anybody says or thinks.

Especially Jasminder, who may be my daughter, but she is very misguided,

I think you are a wonderful person.

Thank you very much.

Sorry, Jamie.

Is your mother there?

Who wants to know?

Yeah,

I'm just setting up my new office.

Can I call you back later when I have a chance to look through the contract?

Yeah, and then we can arrange to meet next week.

He's got green fingers and he speaks Arabic.

His talents are never -ending.

I'm not very good at crosswords.

That was my new boss, and this is my new and temporary office.

What time do you leave for London?

About five.

Michael, can we talk?

Look, put him out of his misery.

If Michael isn't Jackson's dad, then it's going to kill him.

But he needs to know so he can get on with his life.

And what if he is? If he is, then I promise I will persuade him not to go

custody.

What do you say?

I say stop sticking your bloody oar in.

Beyonce Evans, Dr. Cronier, please.

Please, Beyonce.

Come on, babe.

No one likes sorting out their will.

Up until recently, I thought I was immortal.

My lawyer in Canada has a copy. I thought it would be a good idea for you

have one as well.

Do you mind, dear?

No, of course not.

Does Stella know you're doing this?

No.

And I'd rather you didn't mention it. Don't want her getting upset.

And the less she knows the better. You know what she's like. She'll worry.

You used to love her, don't you, Rob?

She's the mother of my son.

That's not what I asked you.

She's very difficult not to love.

Suzanne and I are having a pub lunch.

Want to join us?

Yeah. Why not? A sort of farewell meal before I'm stuck on hospital food for a

fortnight. God help me.

I'm glad she met you, Michael.

So am I.

Two glasses of white wine, please.

Coming right up.

So where to with Barbara?

Orc have taken him water to vine then.

Oh, there's a lot of it above.

Water, I mean.

Listen, I've only got an hour because I've got to get back and pack for

You know me and Luke are going up with Rob. Yeah.

I've been focusing on his recovery and my meditation, like.

Have you?

Right.

God, I can't believe we've been back a week and I'm only now seeing you.

Have I got something in my test?

I'm connecting with your aura.

Hiya. Oh, there's your mum. Hiya.

Oh, she wasn't connecting with your aura, was she, Fresh?

Uh, yeah.

Emma, the A.

And say hello to Suzanne.

Namaste. We're having lunch if you want to join us.

Uh, no time for eating. We have got drinking to do.

Me and Oak speak Punjabi when we're making love.

Oh, it's such a beautiful language.

Must be pretty fluent then, you.

You have a small duck?

Child. I mean child.

So you've got a job now, then, though?

Yeah, and it's been proper life -changing, you know? Having some

not just looking after the kids all day.

You never catch me being tied down by kids or a job. I mean, I wouldn't say

tied down, though.

Oak says that to pray is to work, and that bringing up a child is the most

thing a person can do.

Sounds amazing.

Is Oak his real name?

It's a spirit name.

Stella said he's born in Warrington, so what did his mum and dad call him?

Donald.

Oh, my God.

So I told my dad what I thought of his girlfriend this morning. She only went

and bloody over -ed.

What do you mean, Carol?

She's good as gold, she is. But you can do so much better.

Jazz, don't be so mean. She's beautiful, I think. I'm really kind. You don't

even know her, do you?

Emma, seriously?

You're getting on my tits now. I mean, I can't even understand what you're

saying. It looks on nothing like Punjabi. Yeah, well, maybe you don't

because you've forgotten how to speak it. Emma, listen to you.

You spend a year over there and you think you're daily born and bred, Jack.

just saying, you've been westernised, and that's really sad. Em, I was born in

Leeds, for God's sake. You were born in Pontybloodyberry.

Girls, we're meant to be having fun. This is meant to be a laugh.

Come on, we haven't seen each other for years. Yeah, well, we should stay in

Ibiza now.

You're only interested in talking about work and kids, and you think you're

bloody Indian.

Oh, I'm going home.

I'm at peace with myself, Jack. You're freaking me out.

Oh, go back to your weirdo of a boyfriend.

Oh, my God, I love meringue and all.

Well, order one, then. Excuse me. No, I can't.

I'll just have a bit of yours. Don't count that, do it. She used to say that

about cigarettes.

Oh, not exactly pining at you with a sunny mic.

Can't say.

I'll get on you, Rob.

Yeah, fine. I'd use a blunt end, haven't I, Rob?

Sorry, I don't think we're being introduced.

This is the mother of Michael's baby.

Oh, well, we're not 100 % like... In fact, that's what I come to say. I've

to think about what Stella said this morning, and if... You mean what Stella

said? And if you promise on his life you won't go for custody... What's she

talking about? Can we not do this right now? Well, she said if I did the test,

she'd make sure you didn't go for custody.

Didn't you, Stella?

Why do you say that? It wasn't like that.

Oh, Bonsby! Oh, Lord.

Do one cack as I'm talking.

I don't care. You aren't being answered in my calls, and I want to know if

that's my kid or not. This is so humiliating. Shall I order some copies?

mine, then fine. If he's not, I'm not having you screwing me out of every

I got just to pay for some posh bloke's sprog. Or a cheese board. Truth is, I

don't know what it is, OK?

I don't need that time with you up the wennell and you the wee caster at my

house. What about Kelly Jenkins' 21st? Oh, yeah.

Do you think they'd do a cheese board? And down the alley back a drinking safe?

Right, Beyonce, this is ridiculous. You have got to sort this out once and for

all. Yes, I'll arrange to get the test done privately.

No need, Mikey boy.

We're going on Selina Child.

Er, no, we're not. Yes, we are. I spoke to him this morning. What is Selina

Child? She's a Welsh girl. We are not going on Selina Child, OK? English Jerry

Springer. They want us on tomorrow afternoon.

Will they pay travel?

They're putting on a bus.

Aye, all right, yeah, I'm done with that.

Are you serious? Selina Child's a monster. She destroys people. You're a

solicitor, no different than being in court.

Yeah, why not? Three of my mates are doing their paternity on there. If

a fortune, by all accounts. Well, you're on your own, because I'm not going

anywhere near it. Well, suit yourself.

I'll let you know the outcome.

What about a brandy?

Anyone?

Carl thinks I'm jogging, so get on with it.

How are you? Are you well?

Listen, Ivan.

I've been pushed and pulled from pillow to post.

One minute I'm kissed. The next I'm rejected, and quite frankly, I can't

more. So what do you want?

To explain all of this action.

Well, go on, then.

I was once a married man.

My wife, she was a dancer.

Rita Renee, legs like a willow in the Queen of Plié.

Very nice, I'm sure.

We were happy for a while.

And then Rita Renee, she fell in love with a ballerina from Hull.

Called Malcolm.

Ballerina?

Did he wear a tutu in that? He was in the corps de ballet.

He wore not a tutu, just a cynical smile upon his cheek and a guilty pleasure in

his eye.

Go on.

Rita, she left me for Malcolm, and my heart, it broke.

And I vowed I would never to another man do what he to me had done.

And then I met you, a married woman.

A happily married woman.

Well, at least I was up until a few weeks ago.

Miss Bevan, you have shaken to its core my world.

Tell me about it.

My whole life I've gone to cock since I met you.

If I do not ask you this, I will live with regret until my dying breath.

I have here a ticket.

A one -way ticket to Middlesbrough.

I want you to come away with me.

You and Genevieve.

There is no ticket for her as children may travel for free until the age of

five.

Hang on a minute.

Me and Jan just can't up sticks and head north.

What do you think we are, a traveling circus?

Please, say no more.

Merely think upon it and let me know.

Okay, hotel details on my phone.

Overnight bags packed separately.

Per.

Laptop. DVDs, because I'm going to be so bored. Yeah, and I put that horror film

in I was telling you about.

Nice. Can I leave you the keys to the cottage, Stella?

Then you can maybe put the heating on for when we get back, which will be

than you think.

God.

Oh, come here.

You start me off.

Sorry. Bloody women, honestly. They cry at the drop of a hat.

Oi! Just because you're ill doesn't mean you can be sexist.

You spoil all the fun you do.

Right. Go you.

Good luck, Ron.

Thank you.

Right, come on.

I want to get me behind that wheel.

Tell her there's something I want to do. Oh, now, don't be worrying about that

stupid TV show, because it'll be over and forgotten with before you know it.

it's not that.

It's silly, really. It's something I've been carrying around with me for days.

A guilty secret?

No.

This.

Oh, you gorgeous, beautiful man.

I know we wanted it to be a secret, but...

I want people to know how lucky I am.

You'll be Stella Jackson.

I know. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Better than Morris, I've got to say.

Which was better than God?

Oh, Mum, that's wicked and well -chuffed.

Can me and little Al do your wedding video?

Well, the thing is, Presh, we want to keep it really low -key, you know, just

the two of us and two witnesses.

What? You're not inviting us? Your own children? Mum!

That's rank!

Itali.

Negativity.

Well, I'm sorry, but it is.

I wanted Abra to be a pageboy.

Never mind Abra. I want to be pageboy. Do you? Why? Not pageboy. Best man. You

said pageboy. Didn't. Yeah, you did.

Didn't. I was just speaking to Katie.

She's very happy for us. We're not best pleased that we're not inviting her.

See? Right, well, to kids, then, yeah?

What in the name of gritty -pillitty is going on? I just heard you two are

getting married.

And you haven't invited me, the mayor of Poulterbury, and your own flesh and

blood. Have you really come to this? Hey, congratulations.

We heard you got engaged.

Yeah, nice, well done.

Let's see the ring.

Yeah, nice, well done.

So when's the big day?

Yeah, when is the big day?

This is why.

Don't have a go, all right.

Head can't take it.

I heard you went clubbing.

This place was doing my heading.

Mates have all changed.

Don't know why I bothered coming back.

Well, your dad's really pleased you did.

Him?

What does he care?

He's all loved up with his new girlfriend.

Oh, no offence.

I really like him, you know, child.

I'm not some wicked witch coming to steal him away.

I know.

Look, I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.

I shout my mouth off sometimes and I don't think.

And I've got to say, I haven't seen my dad this happy in ages.

So he must be doing something right.

Their ropes lead nothing to the imagination, do they?

Very well ventilated, that's for sure.

Where's Suzanne?

Zoe just chatted to the nurse.

So, you all right?

That's all I'll ever be.

Hey, I bet you're gutted you're missing the Selina child show.

Yeah, I'll never forgive you.

Look, if I don't... Yeah.

Let's not have this conversation, is it? No, everything's just taken care of,

that's all.

I don't say this nearly often enough.

But I love you, Luke.

And I'm really proud that you're my son.

Just hurry up and get well, will you?

You stubborn old bastard.

Okay, the porter's here now, Mr Morgan. Shall we get on with it?

Got nothing better to do.

I just heard from Luke.

Rob's gone down to theatre.

Bless him.

You all right?

Not really.

Me and Oak, our energies have collided.

You mean you've fallen out?

Yeah.

Where to is he now, then?

Gone off in a huff up Warrington.

Oh, I don't know, ma 'am. I can't keep it up no longer.

Being all deep and mystical.

I try my best, but I just get confused.

I'd say okra, instead of chakra, and coma, instead of karma.

And I've got no idea what consciousness expansion to mean.

It was easier in India. It's like a different world out there.

But being back in Ponteberry made me go all Welsh again.

Oh, Em.

You're so lovely.

And if you don't like the real you, then there's not much point there.

I know.

To be honest, if you wasn't so good at oral sex, I'd have ditched him long ago.

Emma!

You'd definitely not go in this Selina Child thing.

No.

Though I'm starting to think we should have gone.

Because that poor baby is going to grow up knowing his mother was called a

flapper on some trashy TV show.

Oh, too late, you know.

Where to with my girl?

Can I remind everybody, smoking is not permitted in the studio.

Hi, guys.

OK, can I just check, are you all here for my sister, sweetie, my uncle, or

who's the daddy, it ain't me?

Who's the daddy, it ain't me?

Hey, I'll take my counsellor friend to be groovy. Directly no alcohol in the

studio. Whoa, I'm going to quit for 11.

Shall we go and get the camera?

I'd rather be here.

Sorry, we're in for that.

What's happening?

Nothing. A bit of fun, isn't it?

Bob's about to go away with him.

To Middlesbrough. On a train.

All right, stop gasping.

Sorry.

He leaves tomorrow at 11 .37.

I need to urgently speak with one of your contributors, Beyonce Evans.

Sorry, who are you?

Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah, right.

He's the father of Beyonce's child.

At least, we think he is.

Look, she can't go on the show. It's not fair on the baby.

It's Luke.

Luke. Do you want to come with me a minute? Any news?

What I'd like to see is no fighting, no swearing, no punching, no spitting,

no... Doesn't bastard you much?

Can I tell you anything?

No. Only that you'll be in there at least another two hours.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry I'm not there with you, Prash.

Hey, it's better this way.

Anyway, Michael needs you.

You all right, do you, Lukey?

Yeah, you know me, Mum.

Nerves of steel.

Go play havoc with that Selina child.

I love you.

Yeah, I love you too.

But there is no bloody story.

But there is doubt of the baby's paternity, isn't there?

Well, yes. So let's resolve it.

Oh, my God, I've just seen Andy the man in the box. Oh, I like him.

And you'll never guess who else I saw.

Michael Jackson.

Don't be daft, man, he's dead.

No, our Michael.

He's rowing with the producer.

Cock and cock.

Hold on to your hats.

Come on, you're in for a bumpy ride.

Excuse me. Can't go through there.

What? No, I'm looking for my fiancée.

Still.

Over by you.

Right, move up.

She's dead.

Oh, my God, where's my fiancée? Stand by, studio.

Going in three, two, one.

She's fit.

She's fearless.

She's feisty.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Selina Child.

On today's show, the sexually irrepressible and irresponsible woman

make up her mind.

We ask, who's the daddy?

I'm Selina Child.

Oh, my God.

Is Bobby in the audience? I'm Nadine.

This is how I know.

Where have you been? It's just getting good.

I have been shopping.

To buy this.

A bed by table?

Yes.

I was wondering if... Carol, would you do me the honour of...

of moving in with me?

And Jamie, of course.

Well, you brought me a bed by table. How could I possibly refuse?

You've been with half the f***ing town, man. Even Dougie Bucket and Spade.

I thought there'd be no one near Dougie Bucket and Spade. Well, even I heard

that one, to be fair. Yeah, me.

Come on, bring on me with Dougie Bucket and Spade.

All right, calm it down. I hear a new f***ing problem, do you know?

OK, calm it.

Stop being f***ing disgusting.

Whoa!

The issue here is not the many men she slept with, but which one got her

pregnant.

You, woman with the hair, eating a pasty, what have you got to say about

this?

Me?

I'm Mayor of Ponsbury.

I'm impartial.

So is Glenn.

Yes.

Let's turn now to the third player in the story. He didn't want to come on

today. Is it because he's too ashamed?

Let's find out.

Michael, come on out.

I just think it's bloody ludicrous.

gonna push for you, have we? I bet you're hoping to hell that kid isn't

Actually, more than anything in the world, I hope he is.

What's happening now?

She's just about to reveal the father. Shh.

The father of baby Jackson is...

Michael!

Michael!

Popping Jackson!

Hooray!

Beyonce,

what you did was outrageous.

There was the slightest doubt he wasn't mine. You should have told me from the

start. I always wanted him to be yours, though, Mike.

Why? Because I'll give you more handouts?

No, because you'll be a better dad.

You're nice.

Right, well, we need to make a proper arrangement, a proper routine, so that

and Stella can have him, OK?

Fine by me.

Oh.

There's something else we've got to do. Go on.

We've got to go register the birth.

Yeah, of course.

I've chosen a middle name. It's Jermaine.

Jackson Jermaine Jackson?

I'm kidding. No, I thought it should be Michael, after his dad's like... Jackson

Michael Jackson.

That boy's going to get so ribbed at school.

Cheers, Jacko.

Cheers.

Got there in the end, didn't we?

Michael. That was Luke.

Rob's come round.

Everything is fine. Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

The train on platform four is the 1137 to Middlesbrough.

This train will depart in seven minutes.

The train on platform four is the 1137 to Middlesbrough.

I told you to keep an eye on it, you donut!

He's suffocating me.

Disgusting. I cannot believe my eyes.

Ivan, I'm not coming with you.

I've just come to say goodbye.

No matter how much Carl annoys me, or makes stupid jokes, or stands on my feet

when we dance, he loves me.

And we got Genevieve.

I just couldn't do it to him.

He gave me a refund on the ticket, by the way.

Thank you.

Tell me one thing, Nadine.

Did you ever love me?

Did I ever?

I still do.

I always will.

Got a big spiral coming through.

Look out, more visitors.

You got here quickly.

Yeah. Michael's just parked in the car.

How's he doing?

Please don't talk about me like I'm not in the room. Oh, he's doing all right,

then. Okay.

I think we could all do with stretching our legs.

Stella, we'll look after you for five minutes.

We've drunk that much coffee, I tell you.

I've seen you looking slightly more handsome.

But only slightly.

Rob. You and Michael are getting married.

What is it with you?

How did you know?

You're wearing an engagement ring, for starters.

Anyway, I approve.

I think he's a thoroughly decent chap.

And he won't stand for any of your nonsense.

Oh, you.

I've just got to go into the chat. Do you mind waiting outside?

It won't be long. Of course.

Hey, Suzanne, you want to be talking with a Welsh accent by the time you

for Canada?

Oh, it's a lovely cottage, my. Maybe you should live there permanently, like.

You'd start to actually babysit us, aren't you? Oh, my God.

Promise me you'll bring them to Canada soon.

There's so much for our kids to do out there.

When you say kids, if you're including Luke and I, because he's the biggest kid

in them all. Yeah, he wouldn't be in playing with Jack. He's so competitive.

I know.

How long will I love you?

Long as I...

As long as seasons need to

follow their plan.

As long as you want me to.

And longer by far.

How long will I hold you?

As long as your father told you.

Hey, Bart, maybe she's changed her mind.

Shut up, Carl.

Well, no, he might have a pint. I mean, she's always been a bit flirty, that

one.

Sorry.

Got to be held up.

Jesus, you look... What?

Beautiful.

So do you.

I do, don't I?

Tell myself, take my time.

Yeah. Put the brakes on my brain.

Wrap me up, spin me round, spit me out.

I,

Michael Matthew Jackson, know of no lawful cause or impediment why I should

be joined in matrimony with you, Stella Lucy Morris.

I, Stella Lucy Morris... Know of no... Hang on a

minute. Thing is, there is something.

Stella? I mean, it's not a lawful impediment or nothing. I just don't

can marry you if I don't tell you what it is.

It'd be, um... I don't know, dishonest, somehow.

Stella, for God's sake, just, uh... Just say.

Fucking hell!

What?

I only just found out myself this morning. I'm in just as much shock as

I thought you were on the change.

Look, the thing is, I know I'm a bit old to have a baby, and I will understand

if you want to have a think about it and delay the wedding.

It's just, I really want to have it. Stella.

That's the best news I could ever possibly be given.

Now will you please shut up and marry me?

There we are. Can you believe it? I go all these years as an only child, and

then I get two siblings in the space of a year.

Oh, my God, I just realised.

Your baby is going to be Sophie's auntie or uncle, and it'll be younger than

Sophie. Oh, that's mad.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? You'll have your hands full, it's all I'll say, but...

Auntie Brenda, do you think just for once in your life you can see the

side of things?

Well, now, where would the fun be in that, Michael Jackson?

I'm going to see where Nards have got to. She's been gone ages.

All right.

I'm so jealous. Barley for God's sake. I know.

Make sure you come back. We're all bloody useless without you.

Don't worry, Stel. I look after him.

Me too.

Come on. Oh,

my babies.

Stel.

We really ought to get going.

Yes, husband, yes.

Don't lift any heavy bags. Oh, look at him. Only been married five minutes.

already botting me around.

Nads!

How are you doing, babes?

Stella and Michael are off in a bit.

Nads!

So.

Once I believed that it was me It

would come with rocket bells and poetry

But with me and you Wait, who did that?

Nadine? Oh, don't know. Oh, nearly forgot.

Ready?

You and I are my colleague for this one, aren't you? Bye -bye.

Triton, shall we go on honeymoon with the Jackson?

Yes, please.

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