Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

My family has to come first.

Then you leave me not. You're dismissed.

Hello. I'd like you to meet Suzanne.

We reinstate Auntie Brenda as Mayor of Ponterbury with immediate effect.

Is she aware of how you feel?

She believes I hate her.

I'm on custody. I'm taking you to court.

You want to fight?

Bring it on, old man.

All right?

Yep. Just measuring my marrow.

Curse of the vegetable garden. Everything sounds like an innuendo.

I've only just come out here, by the way. Been on the phone all day. OK.

Tried every law firm in Cardiff, but nothing's doing.

I'd look further afield, but if I want to be around for the baby, then...

Anything from Beyoncé?

No. She won't even take my calls, let alone let me see Jackson.

I spoke to a lawyer friend of mine who specialises in custody cases. He's

already sent a letter.

Oh, well.

Must you get things moving?

Now, are you going to get changed?

Any Rob and Susanna beer in a minute?

Sure. Just going to put this prize winner to bed.

Prize winner!

You'll be lucky, Michael Jackson.

Aunty Brenda, I know you're an expert in a wide variety of topics, but I didn't

realise that extended to summer squashes.

George, the butcher, have won the Ponteberry flour and produce show every

since 1989.

I'm not saying how.

I'm not one to make slanderful accusations.

Fair enough.

Bribery, that's how.

That and the fact that he is very good at growing marrow.

Yeah, well, so is Michael.

Look at that.

Aw. Like a marrow, only smaller.

How was your day, my love?

Oh, I've been rushed off my feet, dishing out advice to the poor and

that Michael Jackson, unemployed, going for custody of a love child, and now

making the biggest mistake of his life by entering a marrow against George the

Butcher. The fool.

I'd like to wipe the smile off George's face.

And not just because he tried to defrock me as mayor, although that is a

contributory factor.

Maybe I could help to wipe the smile off his face.

What do you mean?

Who is he again?

Kerwin Collins.

Famous poet, apparently.

Never heard of him. No, me.

Buried on a patch on Palmares.

God, there's loads to do.

There's nearly half a sex. I promised Jack I'd be back to tuck him in.

Bobby Giffins, Larry Morgan.

In by you.

I have news.

Good news.

I have today a new job accepted at the Conservatoire du Morte.

The Conservatoire du Morte?

The most prestigious undertaker's academy in the world?

Based in Middlesbrough?

You must be delighted.

Yes, my heart soars like an eagle on the wind.

That's great, Ivan. Congratulations.

You took my advice, then?

Making a new start and moving away from Nadine?

This concerns Nadine Bevan not.

I have for many years wished to work at the Conservatoire de Morte.

Also, they say Middlesbrough is wonderful at this time of year.

Indeed they do.

So, who's going to manage this place for you, then, while you're gone? I know

not.

Perhaps someone who understands the industry and has a CB as impeccable as

French?

I know you're rushed off your feet, so why don't I look after our famous poet

for you?

I'm more than capable.

That would remove a load from my shoulder. Also, to tell the truth, I

nothing of poetry.

Apart from Pam Ayres.

That's a beauty and no mistake.

Like a green Hindenburg.

Did you want something, Auntie Brenda?

Only to admire the perfect form of your marrow.

And to give you, as they do say in America, a heads -up about some council

business.

Which is? I'm proposing, and this is big with a capital B, that we change the

garden waste bins from green to red.

What? No.

You know how I feel about refuse bin colouring. Really? I had no idea.

You will change those colours over my dead body.

That's the price I'm willing to pay.

This is a scandal.

We're so sorry for you, Lost.

Your brother was a great man.

Indeed he was.

The finest poet of his generation.

I take it you're familiar with his writing?

Yes, of course.

It's so important to me that he's laid to rest by people who embrace his work.

Definitely.

So is there anything in particular you'd like in the funeral service?

Readings of his poems, obviously.

Like some of his early work, perhaps?

He burned his early poems.

Everybody knows that.

Well, yes, his early poems he did.

Then how about something from his later period?

Yes.

That's what I was thinking too.

And did you have any thoughts on music?

I thought that would be obvious.

He writes about his musical taste in the poem I Love the Beatles.

The Beatles it is then?

No.

The title was ironic. He hated the Beatles.

I thought you knew his work.

We do. Of course. Just tell me that you're planning on involving Sian

in the service.

Definitely. I'll just get her details.

He never left her side.

Till now.

How long did he follow you for? Up

the hill and back again.

I thought, well, if the ranting don't kill him, the exercise probably will.

What? Oh, don't say you feel sorry for him now.

No, it's just good to see you laugh again.

You used to laugh a lot.

I laugh plenty, thank you.

I know.

I was just thinking, well, hoping that maybe we could go back to how things

to be back in the day.

I'll think about it.

Did you say... I said, I'll think about it.

Sian Llywelyn Ap Morfydd was the lover and muse of Welsh poet Cerwyn Curadog

Colin. Her untimely death was a major influence on his writing, in particular

the poem Death Dark Tunnel, Everybody Dies and She's Dead, She's Dead, Dear

She's Dead.

Oh, I bet he was a laugh on New Year's Eve.

Right, you get us a book of his poems after thinking of a colour scheme for

funeral. Did he do any poems about colours?

Black, black, all is black.

Oh, well, that's narrowed it down.

Bob, when's Ivan starting his new job?

Oh, your guess is as good as mine. I did try to ask him this morning, but he was

off to the produce show with his wreaths.

Be awful if he didn't pick you and he put some stranger in charge.

Oh, tell me about it.

Undertaking's the only thing I'm any good at.

I've tried image consultancy, security, guardian of the well, no celebrity

reflexology.

It's not funny.

You try massaging Keith Chegwin's feet.

They'll wake up screaming.

Right. I can't promise this will be any good, but the recipe's supposed to be

easy to follow, so if it's rubbish, you can blame Jamie Oliver.

You might want to get drunk first. Are you?

It looks lovely, Stella. What is it?

Moroccan chicken tagine.

Oh, that's posh. Oh, no, we eat this all the time.

All right, Michael.

The sauce has got a bit of wine in it, but otherwise it's low -fat, so it's

for... Well, you know.

Those of us awaiting life -or -death operations.

Any news on that?

Um, no.

Oh, Rob is a man of few words.

Sometimes I could strangle him. Sometimes she tries.

We're still waiting for the new consultant to give us a date.

The delay is not good, but hopefully we'll hear soon and then we'll go to

London.

See? Wasn't so hard, was it?

Stella, this is superb.

It really is. Did you seriously make this?

I think there's a compliment in there somewhere. It's always the same.

They're sweet as kittens when you fuck me.

Then three months down the line, you end up worrying about it going to take out

the trash.

Actually, we had a row when we first met. We sort of crashed into each other

shared a beautiful moment of road rage. Oh, that is so cute.

See, told you.

And how did you and Rob meet?

Oh, well, didn't Rob's construction company build a new wing on your

And you ended up arguing about the roof tiles. So he took you out to dinner to

try and talk you round.

I have fluke.

Well, he told me, actually, so I probably got the details wrong.

No, that's exactly how it happened.

Valid? Anyone?

than a Wales -England rugby international, and just as ugly.

Now, judging I've started in a few of the categories, but the results aren't

till three, so there's plenty of time to get picked on some lovely homemade

wine. Oi!

Quinnell! Watch our mouthy one.

Fair play.

Just to repeat, results aren't till three, so there's plenty of time to have

drink of some fucking lovely homemade wine.

People do think Pansies is soft because of the name, like.

But they are the hardest flower there is.

They survived a nuclear war along with cockroaches and mollusks.

And my mate Kenny has built his own shelter.

Bet they won't survive a pint of this.

I told you.

It's the new batch. It ain't half as strong.

What a fine -looking specimen.

It's got to be in with a chance there.

I thought you said it was too small.

Must have been a chick of the light.

Yeah, but George the Butcher isn't here yet. Oh, well then, perhaps fate is on

your side today, Michael Jackson.

Have you got hay fever or something?

Ask me no boss names, I'll tell you no what you call.

Ooh,

here we are. Here we are!

Do you think you'll be like her when you grow up?

I really hope not.

Right, I'd better be heading off.

If the pub's quiet, I'll try and finish early. Come back and watch you win first

prize.

Good luck.

I must say, that's wonderful.

What is it?

Apricot infused with brandy blended with a summer compote. And marinated in a

troker of sugar.

Sorry, what? She means striker. It means a blend of three things.

I know what I mean.

Anyway, it's very good.

Well done.

It's not even my first language and I'm correcting you. It's quite funny,

really.

Or not funny at all.

Need a lift?

No, you're all right.

Just heading into work to do the exercise.

I could do with the company.

It's literally two minutes.

What a lovely two minutes it'll be.

Thanks again for last night.

Fun, wasn't it?

And Suzanne's lovely.

Very, what's the word?

Very Rob.

Meaning?

Meaning you always land on your feet.

What? I'm being nice.

I'm glad you've come over.

Someone needs to sort you out.

Where are you going, anyway?

Oh, I just dropped her off at Luke's. They're taking the kids to the park.

It's nice she wants to spend time with them. They're very lucky.

Well, I always land on my feet.

Right. Thanks for the lift.

So, you know, we've been waiting for a date for the surgery.

Oh, don't tell me they've changed their mind.

No, it's a week today.

I heard this morning.

Oh, God, you must be so relieved.

Yeah. I mean, I can think of a hundred other things I'd rather be doing, but...

You watch.

It'll be over before you know it. You can start running marathons again.

Look,

I'm really sorry, but I've got to go.

Sorry. What are you doing?

I meant to stop my shift in ten minutes.

Oh, come on. Skive off work. Live a little.

Having better?

I haven't lost.

Lost. Lost.

Have you an interest in funeral wreaths?

No. Funeral wreaths will always remind me of death.

Well, I'll be off.

Soon I must leave Pontybury.

What?

I am to move to the historic town of Middlesborough.

Don't know why you're telling me.

I mean nothing to you. And vice versa, I'm sure.

Isn't it beautiful?

Er, yeah.

You don't remember.

Shame on you.

October half -term, 1986.

We cycled up here, I got a puncture, missed the last bus, spent the night in

pub, and then... Yeah, all right, I remember now.

Well, I thought it'd be fun to come back here and have lunch.

Rob Morgan.

Having fun.

Come on.

Walk will do us good.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, don't you just love the country air?

It's the low alcohols, isn't it? Lower.

But still with sun and floral overtones.

And it's great for wind. I don't have wind.

You will have.

I don't believe it.

Clem Draper.

What are they, Pa?

Chief Baxter.

Fax. The axe.

Bash! No way!

I haven't seen you since Mason's Arms at Twitch, 1978.

Oh, bloody hell! Oh, those were the days.

Pure rock and roll.

Delighted to see you.

Signed with them a couple of weeks back. Nothing serious.

Doing what you love, though. Aye.

Still skint, mind.

So what about you? What are you doing here?

Got a stall.

Fertiliser. That's great, man. It's not what you call glamorous, but it's

steady, you know. Will Keith Baxter please return to his side?

He's got somebody who would like to talk to about... Ertelizer.

...pig shit.

Right, well, that's me then.

Nice to see you again.

And you.

Keep on rocking, you two pal.

Closed down a year or so back. Ah, there we are then.

Best we head in home.

I think it's locked, Rob.

I won't tell if you want.

And pansies are such a resilient flower.

The lady even survived a nuclear war, along with mollusks and your mate Kenny,

as you said. Look, I've really got to go. The judging's about to start.

Mike, can I have a word?

So you're talking to me now? Oh, I don't know. I argue, OK? Not in front of

Jack's head. Stop your... Sorry.

Neither do I.

Hello, little man.

I got the letter from your solicitor.

About the custody thing.

Sorry, but that's what I think's best.

For all of us.

No, I'm sorry for not being honest with you.

What do you mean?

See, the thing is...

Jackson isn't you well?

What?

I only said you were the dad because you're loaded.

You should never let it go on this long.

I think I'm that stupid.

You're only doing this to stop me applying for custody. What?

No, it's true.

Really? Yeah, because your track record on telling the truth is great.

Oh, oh, my God, I am not lying!

You are not Jackson's father, OK?

Well, if I'm not his father, who is?

Cackers.

Fucking hell.

Cackers? Well, how can you be so sure? A girl just knows, OK? Don't make me

spell it out.

So is there anything else you want this lot to know, or can I go? I don't

believe you.

I want a paternity test.

Beyoncé.

And the winner is... George the Butcher.

Would you believe it?

Some little bugger stole what they thought was my marrow.

But that was just my safety marrow.

My prize winners are kept under lock and key and are only picked by the light of

the full moon.

Some people, eh, Auntie Brenda?

What was up here?

Don't tell me you've forgotten the bedrooms.

A little goldmine, this place.

We should buy it, then.

We might do.

Tighten it up a bit. Put Luke in tight.

I can even run it myself.

You could help.

I know how to pull a pint press, but what do I know about running a pub?

In fact, what do you know about running a pub?

Just a thought.

We're friends, Rob.

Nothing more.

Friends don't kiss each other.

Oh, now, look. Friends don't leave long, answerful messages saying that they

love you, but not in that way. This isn't fair. Even though you can hear in

their voice that it is in that way.

The truth is, Stella,

I don't think you and I can be just friends.

I should have been us.

See you now, boy. Grow up.

Going on holiday. All that stuff we never did.

Cut the self -pity. It really doesn't suit you.

Stella. No.

Don't say it. I need to be with you, Stella, for the rest of my life, however

short that is.

Oh, you're not playing that card.

It's not a card.

Sorry.

What are you suggesting, then?

We move here.

Run a pub. Get the bloody pub.

I'll go anywhere and do anything to be with you.

Ponterbury, Canada, Pimber, Sodden too.

And what about Suzanne?

She's not you. And Michael?

What about Michael?

He's not me.

I'm not doing this.

Stella. We are not doing this.

You think if you and me had got together, it would have been some big

romance, but it wouldn't.

I'd have got fed up of washing your socks, and you'd have yelled at me for

loading the dishwasher wrong. I might not. Or a million and one other boring

domestic things. Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there? Oh, for

fuck's sake, Rob, it's not going to happen.

We had a chance, and we chose not to take it. Oh, come on, Stella. And you

can't, on a whim, decide you want to make a go of things again. What do you

mean, on a whim? Because it's too late. We both left it too late.

And you're with Suzanne now, and I'm with Michael. And not because he's

best, but because I love him.

I know.

Remember when we'd been going out for six months?

You made me that little silver heart.

God, yeah, you remember that?

Well, I kept it.

Did you?

And I carry it with me.

In here.

Because you're always going to be a part of my life, Rob.

And I am always going to love you.

And that doesn't change how I feel about Michael, because what me and Michael

have got is so different.

We've got Luke, you and me.

And we've got our story.

We just haven't got a future, Bob.

but we have.

Because you were so wrong when you said you and me couldn't be friends. We can

be the best friends on this planet because I am so loyal to you.

And I will kill anyone who ever hurts you, including Suzanne, although I think

that's unlikely because she's absolutely besotted.

Also, I think she looks like she might beat me in a fight.

I know you're scared about next week.

It's going to be all right, sweetheart.

And tears of death are always willing to fall upon the hell and killing.

Are all his poems about death?

No, no, there's one beautiful little bunny rabbit called Hoppy.

Who dies makes him a toast.

You have not finished the arranging of the poet's funeral?

Yeah, we get in there. It's taken us all day to find the flowers.

Roses of black?

Cadwyn's favourite colour.

The rose of black is very expensive.

Yeah. And not in the budget. The extra from our profit comes.

It's only a few quid. We are not a case of charity.

Have you finished the order of service?

We're just about to. Just about? The funeral is tomorrow and the printers,

are closing at six.

I've rang them and they've said they're happy to work late.

For a few extra quid. What?

No! No, no, no! This is unacceptable!

Ivan?

Have you been drinking?

Again? That is not the question.

Well, it's a question.

I have funeraled around the world for princes and for paupers.

For stars on stage and screen. Next week, I am to arrange an open casket

for a 92 -year -old queen of drag.

I do not need your help or advice.

Now, go!

I will sort out this mess.

Mess? What mess? Not another word.

But it's so unfair. No. You're being unreasonable.

Silence. Let me work.

Young at heart, yet what a start.

Old before their time.

They married young for love at last.

was their only crime.

How come I love them now? How come I love them more?

He's good, isn't he?

You a fella?

He's not my fella.

My mistake.

You're so young.

A lot of people think the pansies are so clever. Go away. Roger that.

You're so young.

Hello. Well, am I glad to see you.

Oh, sweetheart, you didn't win.

No, I came second.

It's just a stupid marrow composition. It's not that bad.

Bad is what Beyonce told me this afternoon.

You're so young at heart.

Yes, for tomorrow, the order of services.

No, I will not pay extra.

I do not care.

Just print and deliver.

I send now.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Oh, what a night.

Shoot.

Keith was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Said he was going to quit his job and get the band back together. I said, no

way.

I'm sticking here with my Brenda.

See how things play out. He was all like, nah, man, let's just hit the road.

I said, no way, pal.

Oliver, how can you leave her again?

There are many, many crazy things that will keep me loving

you.

And with your permission, may I list a few?

The way you wear your hat.

The way you...

I mean,

there's no way she can say for sure that Kekus is the father, even if she did

sleep with him.

I mean, I was right to ask for a paternity test, wasn't I?

I don't know.

What do the rest of Ponterbury think?

Yeah, probably not the best forum to announce that.

God, it's such a mess, isn't it?

Actually, don't answer that. Just say, it'll all be fine.

It'll all be fine.

Michael?

Yeah?

I've been having a little think today, and there's something I want to talk to

you about.

Something important.

Namaste. There you go.

Thanks.

You want some more?

Is it locally sourced?

It's from the corner shop.

Right. But is it fair trade?

I have no idea what that means.

I can do you some eggs, if you like.

Um... Actually, I'm vegan.

You eat chicken, though, don't you, babe?

Only when my blood sugar's low.

You're a diabetic, ma 'am, and the doctors didn't even spot it.

Oh. The Western doctors didn't with their corporate blinkers.

But, Stella, please, don't worry.

I'll pick up some quinoa later on from one of your local shops.

Good luck with that.

I'm, er... I'm going to go and meditate to Tali. I'm a bit out of balance.

It's Harley.

It's Hindy, the butterfly.

I'm fleeing there.

Emma, love.

You were going to ask me about Sonny and you.

No, I was going to ask you about your toast.

And then I was going to ask what the hell you mean by telling me that Oak is

your husband.

I mean, what happened with Sonny? I thought you were going to make a go of

We tried it for a while, but we soon realised we'd come to the end of our

journey together.

Oh, is that Orc throwing his voice?

Orc isn't my husband in boring Western terms.

The monk that did the ceremony said our spirits were entwined for eternity.

Which I think's better.

And when exactly did all this happen?

That's not important.

How long have you known him, Em?

Three weeks.

That's two thanks but no thanks from people who said they'd consider me. I

you anything Maria's behind all of this. Give me a crappy reference.

There's a cat here at Ticket.

Hey.

It's life's gift to settle challenges.

The wings of a dove are stronger than the swords of a thousand armies.

Oh.

Titali, where's my meditation cushion?

In my rucksack under your iPad.

Good morning, my sweet.

I made you breakfast.

Five minutes.

What's all this?

It's been fun, Clem. It really has.

Really? But you're the proverbial rolling stone and I'm a stick in the

I don't want to spend my life telling you what you should or shouldn't be

even if I could do so with uncanny accuracy.

But I want to be with you.

Last night Kiko was going on about going back on the road with all expenses

paid. Mind, the guy's loaded.

But I still said no.

In a heartbeat.

It wasn't a heartbeat, Boot.

The two of you talked about it for over an hour, laughing and joking.

What are you going to do, stat?

I mean, yes, you'll have the prestige of being married to a local celebrity

slash political fire brand, but deep down, you and me are as different as

and cheesecake.

If I were you, I'd go and see that Keith Feller and have a chat.

Last night, when we came home... Did we?

No.

Yeah.

He's still not answering his phone. Shall we just tell Reverend what's to

started? You can't start a funeral without an audit of service. We're not

animal.

Oh!

I have them here.

I have just from the princess picked them up, give these out for her.

Right. All set. Ready to go? Just giving out the audit of service.

Thank goodness.

To be honest, I don't know anything about Kerwin Collins, so any

glad to receive.

Oh, my God!

Ivan, did you check these?

There was no time. Come, we must not delay.

Only I'm pretty sure Kerwin Collins wasn't a 92 -year -old drag queen.

Why are you working up here?

Well, I tried downstairs, but Oak started telling me about ley lines.

Anyway, I'm heading to Cardiff in a bit, do some networking, try and drum up

some work.

I thought we could have dinner tonight.

You'll be back about eight -ish, won't you?

Hopefully. I've no idea who's going to see me or when.

I just thought it'd be nice to, you know, cut you off.

Have a chat and stuff. I know. It's just this custody case, when it comes to

court, the first question the judge will ask me will be about my finances. I can

hardly say I'm unemployed, can I?

What about what's -his -face, Al -Khamadi? There's no point.

Maria's contacted everyone I worked with. Poured poison in their ears.

So tell them she's wrong.

Well, it's not that easy. If it was, I'd do it. Anyway, there's such a thing as

professional pride.

OK.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll be back for dinner.

Sadly, Kerwin

is no longer with us. And that is very sad indeed.

But his memory lives on in some of his best -remembered poems.

Like, um... She's dead.

She's deaf!

And of course... Helen Keller.

Helen Keller.

Anyway, we are blessed that Gwyneth, his beloved sister, is here to

read perhaps his most famous work, which may be in the order of service.

Bit of a mix -up there, sorry.

Luckily for you, I don't need it. I know it. On my heart.

Everybody died.

Like Kerwin Collins.

The postman walking down the lane will die alone,

engulfed in pain.

All of us will die.

Die.

Die.

It goes on like that for another 15 verses, and to be honest, it is a bit...

But... At the end...

There's a verse about the one thing that made him happy, the love of his life,

Sian.

Then rising through the hurt and sorrow, a reason comes to see tomorrow.

For though we may be worlds apart, she lives forever in my heart.

Even though she died, Sian stayed with Kerwin throughout his life, both in year

and in by year.

So things fit then.

That they be buried together.

I've not been so moved since my father was jailed for stealing a horse.

There's no doubt you have what it takes to be a master undertaker.

The manager's position is yours.

Thank you, Yvonne!

Thank you! I won't let you down, promise!

I got the job!

Sorry to hear that.

Sorry to hear that.

So?

Stella? What do you think?

It's incredible.

What's going on?

I've been romantic.

In the allotment?

What's wrong with the allotment?

You've shagged me enough times in our shed.

I thought you were being romantic.

Fancy some champagne?

Yes. Actually, I brought some as well.

I've got something to celebrate.

Which is?

Well, after a fruitless job search in Cardiff, I thought, what would Stella do

in this situation?

So I took your advice and I called Al -Khamadi.

And? He offered me a job.

Period. A couple of days a week in the office, but mainly working from home, so

I get more time with Jackson once this paternity thing's sorted. Anyway, thank

you.

I should listen to you more often. You really should.

Hang on a minute. What have you got in champagne?

Well, you see, the thing is... I don't

want to be your lovely girlfriend anymore.

OK.

I want to be your lovely wife.

So are you doing what I think you're doing? Shut up. I've rehearsed this and

everything.

Michael Matthew Jackson.

Will you do me the honour... Shouldn't you be down on one knee?

In the mud?

That's what I do, to be fair.

What, you really expect... Where's my ring?

Men don't have rings.

Sexist. Are you trying to put me off on purpose?

Sorry.

I think I'm a bit nervous.

Go on.

I've lost my drift now.

Sorry.

I love you totally and unreservedly and completely

and unconditionally and... Well, do you want to marry

me or what?

Like you wouldn't believe.

I know I don't fit in that much.

But I'm yours.

I just heard you two are getting married. If I do not ask you this, I

with regret until my dying breath.

You all right, do you, Lukey?

You know me, ma 'am.

Nervous deal.

This is exactly what it looks like.

You still love her, don't you, Rob?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0