Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

This is quite awkward.

What are we doing? Stella. No. You were amazing.

That's where you are.

Write the bargain in my class. Stella, have a go. No, you're all right.

It's Daddy.

He died last night.

She's mine.

I let go. We can't die.

But, Bobs, we can't have them closed all day.

Well, the funereal legend that was Daddy Simpson have died.

He'd want us to honour the old tradition. Three days of mourning till

funeral. Stop the clocks and shut the curtains.

Hey, now, listen. I am gutted about Daddy. Cut to the quick, I am.

But Paula's arriving any minute. I'm Katie.

I got a tidy up.

Can't be... running the Dyson round in the dark, can I?

Hi, Stella, it's Rob.

Stella?

You have reached the voicemail of Stella Morris.

Please leave a message after the beep.

It's been two weeks and I haven't heard from you.

Are we OK?

You promised you wouldn't get weird about things.

And now you're pretending to be your own voicemail, which is very weird. Stella,

I know you're there.

Stella?

There's more.

More.

Morning. Morning, beautiful.

Check me on these, babe.

Cremains.

Paul Bearer.

Rigor Morty. Another village up near Barguide.

Well, look.

Got to know my staff.

I'm chuffed Ivan would even let me work on Daddy's funeral, the man with the

legend. Hey, don't be stressing.

As soon as the bookings are up for the boxing, I'll get that last lot of

equipment, and you can be back here with the kids, and I'll take the strain.

OK.

That's a big one.

Open!

Right, keep your knackers on.

So, I got a mega late holiday deal.

Off of megalateholidaydeal .com.

Magaluf it is.

£199, all inclusive.

Uh, you can't take Jackson to Magaluf.

He's only two weeks old, man. I know.

That's why you're having him.

What? Wipes, nappies, and a nice bit of bonding time with his dad and step -ma

'am. What are you saying?

My nana Pat will have him if you won't. Or Auntie Rhian.

What about his feet?

I can't... just by breast milk, a blondie. Relax, Del.

I've never been one for all that titty lark. My mate did it with her firstborn,

Bieber. That bloody brat's still clamped to a bath for six years of age. Don't

worry.

Jackson's on the bottle.

Uh, hi.

Everything okay?

Believe it or not, Beyonce has gone on holiday.

So we've got a little visitor for the week.

Are you kidding?

I know your dad bit me, but I've already asked Jack for a bit of time off.

Don't be ridiculous. I'll come home.

I'll just finish off a few things here and I'll head straight to Paddington.

you sure?

Of course. My son.

What I mean is, I can't expect you to... You shouldn't have to look after him.

Do you?

We're in the middle of a meeting, Michael. I know, I know. And I'm sorry,

there's really nothing here I can't do at home.

Why don't we hop on a conference call later in the week?

Sorry,

Jane. It's so grounded for shoplifting, love.

Come on, Mum, please.

That was ages ago, Carol.

And camping is character building.

But if I make an exception for this, what's the point of grounding him in the

first place?

Working on something good?

No.

Sal?

Oh, love.

Can you?

You must be exhausted after that trip.

What can I get you?

Tea? Coffee?

Gin?

Come on.

All right.

Say, bro.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

How's he doing?

Is he OK, like?

Same as my mam.

We're cancer brothers now, Lukey boy.

My dad's got a heart condition.

Terminal's terminal, bud.

I'm trying to get through a bucket list of them all, bro.

Done a lot so far.

Pina Colada, Big Primark in Cardiff, all the Fast and Furious films.

Oh, just stuck on Porthcore now, innit?

Porthcore's only down the road.

She wants to go to the Elvis Festival, though, doesn't she? Are we talking

travel, ticket, beer money?

Do you have any dosh I could lend her? I'll pay you back.

I can't, but you know that. Don't borrow, don't lend, don't enable.

Fair dues.

I just know I'd make a day, see one of them Chinese elvises doing hound dog.

I don't suppose either of you would be interested in signing my petition, would

you? I've decided to campaign for a statue of Daddy to be built.

Someone's got to do something, because I'm layabouts at the council once. I'm

thinking bronze, 15 foot, location, TBC.

He went to bed as usual with his Caw Caw and Fifty Shades trilogy.

I was so looking forward to surfing the next day.

And then when I took him his cup of tea in the morning, he'd gone.

Surfing?

No.

He died in his sleep, you idiot.

And he is definitely, you know, dead, like me.

Because of what happened last time.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, sorry, Stella.

All I've done is blub today.

It's all right, love.

It's normal.

It's exhausting, is what it is.

Let's talk about something a bit later.

I hear Rob Morgan's got chronic heart disease.

Well, it's true, isn't it?

Oh, it's been such a shock, Paul.

And, of course, he's a stubborn beggar. Won't talk about it.

So I'm just trying to support him best I can. You know, be there for him and

that. You spend a lot of time together then, do you?

Oh, bollocks.

Have he shagged you?

What? No.

Kissed you for Zoomers. Paula.

Touched you for Jojo. Stop it.

We just had this moment.

That's all.

Kiss for the dying, was it? Not even a kiss.

It was a...

And nearly a kiss.

Stella. What are you doing, man?

What about Michael?

I know.

But in all fairness, things have been a bit tough between me and him lately.

He's so busy with work and Jackson and Beyonce.

Barely notices me, to be honest.

Charlie, I'm home.

Hiya.

So nice to be back.

Thank God you called. Aw.

So, I've got the emergency gin for you, Paula, and flowers for my lovely

girlfriend. Oh.

Well, I'm totally sorry about Daddy.

If there's anything we can do to help... Actually, there is.

Will you take a quick squint at Daddy's will? Because I can't bring myself to

look at it without...

Is my little soldier ready for his milky pops?

Yes, he is.

Yes, he definitely is.

Wait till he's had three of them and two grandkids.

The novelty to wear off and tell in here.

It's coming. It's coming.

You ready?

You've been out. Come on.

Oh, look at that gorgeous dimple.

Where did that come from?

That's pure Beyonce.

No, you don't think so?

Can't say I've noticed, really.

Oh, dribble alert.

Go and get a dribble rag, Katie. Clean ones upstairs.

We used this attentive when I was a baby. Hurry, please.

It's OK.

I'll go.

I know where the clean ones are.

Can I at least hold him?

Yeah, of course, darling.

No need to ask.

OK, get us out.

Hello. Oh, it's funny.

Didn't have you down as a fair -weather friend.

Oh, look, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, OK? I've just been really busy.

Oh, it's fine. I'm only dying.

Oh, shut that door.

Sorry.

Just missed talking to you, that's all.

Can't you come round?

Maybe later.

I've got to go.

What time?

I don't know.

After lunch.

All right, little Al?

No.

What's up with him?

No sleep, that's all. That baby can cry for whales.

Britain more like Olympic standard.

Oh, cheer up, the pair of you.

It's only a bit of sleep.

Look, love, babies just kind of take over.

They need a lot of attention, I thought.

Yeah, but it's not even like he's yours.

Hey, he's part of our family.

Now behave.

Take these down for me.

A little smile for Daddy.

Oh, isn't he adorable?

If you say so.

Right. A dribble rag for our little baby boy and a proposition for our big baby

boy. How about I lend you the carticle camping?

The new one?

I'm being kind, Ben, not stupid. The old one, obviously.

Oh, come on, it's way better than getting the crappy butt. Plus, you'll

quiet night's sleep.

Fine. You coming, Katie?

Sorry, I'm here to see Jackson. Are you supporting his head there? He's not a

tiny tears doll, you know. He's a little...

Vertebrae going in that neck.

Come here, buddy.

Actually, camping sounds great.

Paula Simpson, Ivan Schloss. Schloss.

The new undertaker, I take it?

I have been in this business for some time. Not in Pontyberry, you haven't.

This is what we've organised for Daddy's funeral so far, if you'd care to

peruse.

Horses. Of courses.

Feathered. Undoubtedly.

Themed floral tribute.

Carnations in the spelling of daddy.

Dress code black.

I don't think so.

But he was a funeral director, Paul. It's traditional. He was also a country

western singer, bus conductor, stand -up comedian, speech therapist.

Daddy led a lot of lives before he settled on the Boxham and Berriam trade.

And honour that we must.

Which is why I have suggested an alternative colourful life dress code

page.

What trim were you thinking

for the catafalque?

As we all know, a catafalque is the box the coffin rests on whilst in state.

So we were thinking crushed red velvet?

Perfect.

Sorry.

Oh, Christ, not again.

I keep getting voicemails from some old mate of Daddy's called Rubber. Only

wants to sing at the bloody funeral.

It's going to be a car crash.

But I can't say no, can I?

Thanks for sorting that for me, Bob.

Daddy would have been so proud.

Oh, tarpons.

It means a lot.

Oh, come you.

My God, is it Paula?

Oh, come to pay respect to the dandy of you.

Did he bury one of your relatives, my love?

No.

He was my daddy.

Get a room, you two.

Look, I know you didn't want to come, but you don't have to screw it up for

everyone. Sorry, Al, it's just... Fine, I'll stop being a mardy arse now.

Drink?

Homebrew. Made by your truly. Want some?

No, I'm done with getting wasted.

You don't help when you're on a downer.

What have you got to be on a downer about?

Nothing, really.

No.

It could be better.

He's looking for a smoother finish.

I knew I should have gone for those ginocops. Would have created a more

flavour, you know.

It's all brew, not bloody champagne.

Oh, I don't know.

We almost kissed.

What was that about, for God's sake?

Yeah, but we didn't, so what's the problem? The fact that we almost did is

problem, OK?

OK.

I'm all over the shop at the moment, Rob.

Little Jackson have come along, and you know me, I love babies.

But he's not mine, is he?

He's Beyonce's.

And I know Michael's happy with me.

It's just...

I mean, they've got this bond now, and I'm... You what?

I'm never going to be part of it.

Me and Michael are never going to have a baby.

And then when I see Beyonce holding Jackson, looking all young and gorgeous,

makes me feel past it.

Normally stuff like that doesn't bother me.

I mean, everyone's got bumps and wrinkles.

I just got a shed load more than I did when I was 16.

Oh, Christ.

I've turned you into my therapist now.

You were as beautiful to me now as you were at 16, Stella Morris.

More beautiful, in fact.

I mean it.

And now, actually, I'm going to kiss you.

Ah,

nice one.

Good man. Thanks.

Bye -bye. See you next week.

Class is going well, bud?

Can't complain.

How's your mum's bucket list coming along?

Shit. We're skipping fourth call now.

Said I'd buy her the new Elvis triple disc compilation instead.

She can listen to them when her bed's set.

She goes out much anyway.

Only for key more like.

Look, Kev.

I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I got 90 quid for you.

I'll give it to you for your mam's trip, as long as you give it back soon as.

You joking?

Fucking hell.

My mam will go jailhouse rocking crazy when she finds out.

See you, buddy.

She's having a turn, I'm telling you.

It's just absolutely unbelievable. Is this the new issue?

Where have you been?

Why? What's going on?

Oh, it's like being in Albert Square. This bloke have turned up claiming to be

our half -brother.

What?

You're joking.

I wish.

Have Daddy mentioned any siblings in his will?

Have I got a brother from another mother?

No, as far as I can see, there's no mention of a sibling here.

You are? All nonsense.

He reckoned Daddy met his mum when Daddy was ringmaster in the circus.

That's bad. He was never in the circus. Yes, he was.

Christ, he kept busy, didn't he?

And this Jake bloke's in the circus and all.

He's a clown, apparently.

Uh, yeah, hang on. Daddy has bequeathed something to a Jake Tognolino.

Please don't say it's his troll doll collection. He promised me that.

No, that's all yours, as are the Led Zeppelin LPs.

He's just left Jake a ringmaster's hat and a whip.

Coco the clown seeker for me all them years.

I don't know, Pratt.

Maybe he's worried you'd react.

Well, like you're reacting.

Maybe.

Nadine? Is everything all right?

Yeah, great, fine. Why? Because you've been crying and you look like shit.

Aww.

What's wrong?

I kissed Ivan Schloss.

Did you?

After the dance competition.

How can I be so cruel to Carl?

I'm like one of them floozies I've made in Chelsea.

Only classier, obviously.

I'm married to one man, but enslaved by another.

It's the damn city.

When Ivan's a move, he just turns into... Don't be disgusting.

Ivan's more of a Michael Flatley.

What the hell am I going to do?

Oh, Nadine, we all make mistakes. Exactly.

And these things happen. Yes, they do.

So you've just got to draw a line into the whole thing and forget it ever

happened. And don't do it again. No chance of that.

Eh?

Well,

what I mean is, it's done now, isn't it? So you've just got to let it go and

move on.

It was only a kiss, for God's sake. It's not like you had sex with him or

something.

No point throwing away a good thing for the sake of some silly dream. It's not

going to go anywhere.

What do you reckon, style?

Absolutely.

Right. Well, thanks for that.

Don't breathe a word of this video.

Hello.

See you, trial.

Well, then, good girl.

You got something to tell me?

Al! Al!

Wake up!

What's up?

I don't know.

One minute we was building the fire and the next minute he's out of it.

Building the fire and boozing, by the looks of it.

He was trying to taste the honey tones, see?

And then he just conked out.

Oi!

Little Al?

Little Alan?

Oh, my God.

It's like one of those emergency 999 shows.

Don't be daft. He just drank. That's all. Same as you pay.

She's right, Ben.

Al could die.

Look, no -one's dying, all right?

Carers, take the tent down. Katie, get our stuff and I'll put little Al in the

car. We can take to my mum's first. She can check him out. See if he needs the

hospital. OK?

OK.

Have you up, then?

Oh,

look, I said. It was just a kiss, all right?

A long...

A passionate kiss, admittedly, but just a kiss.

And did you enjoy it?

Yes, I enjoyed it. So, yet again, Rob sodding Morgan, a crept inside your

heart... Don't say knickers, because he can know any of it. Can I just remind

you of the facts here? OK, so his parents made him go to Canada at 17, but

never came back, not for 25 years. And then, two years ago, he got a date in

Pontyberry and married you.

But he didn't. He trotted off back to Vancouver, where, incidentally, he's got

new girlfriend.

Look, I just want to make sure that you don't wake up tomorrow morning and throw

all your cards in the air for him.

You're in a good place now, Estelle.

Michael is so lovely.

You really don't need to tell me that, Paul, OK?

It's Katie.

The kids are on their way home. Little Alan have had too much to drink.

Christ, teenagers are such pussies.

Chinook hops. It's the aroma, but... What's going on?

Nothing, Press.

You just relax, OK?

There'll be no more homebrewing for you.

That stuff was poison, Adele. I can tell.

Is he going to be all right, Mum?

Yeah.

Bit of a sore head in the morning, but he'll survive.

Where's my money? I let my man see the Elvis Festival with it, didn't I? What

are you doing in here, then? The trip only cost 40 quid, like.

What, for everything, like?

The lot.

Ticket, bus trip, B &B and dinner with a glass of Lambrini. Where's my other 50,

then? I put her on a 330 at Kempton.

Jeffy's bangle, proper tidy odds.

I was going to pay you back plus another 50, but he didn't even place.

Jeffy's bollocks, more like.

Your dad will sort you out, the one he's loaded.

That's not how it goes, Keck.

I was going to use that cash for gym equipment, for the business. No, you

it all up.

Sorry, but I couldn't help myself.

Well, try harder.

You'd better be in that meeting next week or else.

You can't just give up because you're a massive dickhead.

What are you working on these days?

Nothing, just, uh, Ponty Zombie 2 and stuff.

Cool, can I see?

No, it's rubbish, honest.

Oh, I bet it's not.

What's that?

No, don't.

I should, um...

I'm gonna go.

Now, remember, no talking, no coughing and no mobile phone.

This is me.

I'll see you for dinner. I'm cooking.

Oh, sweetheart, double shift.

I won't be back till gone 11. Sorry.

Hey, good luck with the phone call. Thanks. Bye.

Right.

Right, if anyone comes to the door, tell them to go away. This is a very

important conference call.

Well, you go and get Stella back. I need someone to have the baby now.

Please, my dear, why don't I have the baby?

I am his sister.

Not that you'd know, because you're so busy being super dad, nobody else gets a

look in.

Katie, darling, I'm sorry. Of course you should have him.

See? Not so different from tiny tears after all.

Thanks, sweetheart.

When you're quite done with the family histrionics, could we please start this

call?

Give me a drink, Sal. I am gasping. I haven't had nothing.

An hour ago.

Paula?

Will you just go away?

Oh, my God. Are you the brother?

Yes, I am.

You are not my cowing brother, OK? So don't be spreading them lies of yours,

Ronald McDonald.

Actually, I am a clown in the more traditional sense.

I don't care if you're a cocking cock himself.

Now do one.

I will. I will do one, but I just wanted you to have these.

These are daddy's letters to me.

All about you.

Photos, newspaper articles.

He was so proud.

Right, I'll just leave you two to it.

Go and catch some glasses.

My mother's name's Doreen.

Apparently, Daddy fell for her when he saw her do the slack wire.

You may have heard of her. Slack door.

I can't say I have, Peter.

She's still going strong to this day.

Though she's 94 now, so she tends to stick to the unicycle.

She used to say that Daddy was the finest ringmaster this side of Trilogy.

well believe it. He could turn his hand to anything.

He sounds like he was a wonderful man, Paula.

Best of the best.

Even when I hated him, I knew how much he cared for my mum.

The love letters he wrote her. Oh, beautiful.

He truly adored her.

Are you saying that Daddy loved you, Mammy, more than he loved my Mammy?

I wouldn't put it like that. I was just saying... I will have you know that my

Mammy was Daddy's woman only.

She couldn't have been his only, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

I am not going to die.

So why don't you just bugger off, back up, you big top bozo.

Evening.

Everything all right?

Yeah, good.

All good.

Right a bit biased.

I'm thinking your advice is unnecessary, Aunty Brenda, seeing as Bobski and I

are the professionals.

Yeah, you tell her, Ive. Aunty Brenda?

What the hell are you wearing?

I'm celebrating Daddy's colourful life, innit?

Didn't you get the memo, Aunty Brenda?

As it happens, no, I did not get the memo because I was too busy doing you a

for you. Who are?

Almost 900 signatures, all in favour of some form of commemoration of Daddy

Simpson.

There it is.

We was out of order not sorting something like this.

Thank you.

All right, George.

No thanks necessary.

Though I hope this means that we can put... The little misunderstanding

us. So I can go back to devoting my life to the people of Pontybury again.

As mayor.

Christ, Auntie Brenda.

You'd need to do more than build a statue of Daddy to get this chain back.

You'd have to raise him from the crypt. There ain't no way we're inflicting you

on this town again.

You know what?

Stuff your bloody chain where the sun don't shine.

Could I... have a word?

So that's why I've come to tell you.

I can't do this no more.

Like George Michael to say, I'm never going to dance again.

Guilty feet, rhythm got not.

Exactly.

Sort of.

I'm sorry you felt that way, Nadine. Such intense emotions, it was never my

intention to encourage.

You are.

It is an effect upon most women I produce, and one that is actually a bit

bear to cross.

Cross to bear?

That too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a convoy of hearses I must choreograph.

Heartless!

That's what you are.

I'm not some bimbo after a quick bonk and a big and a Frankie and Benny's.

You make me feel like we had something special, like we was dance champions.

You was Michael Flatley, I was Caroline Flack. Only prettier, obviously.

Now you're telling me it meant nothing.

Nothing.

My God, Nadine Bevan, what have you done to me?

I am but a simple man.

I did not think such violent things to simple people could happen.

That woman's a bloody whirling dervish.

She certainly is.

Quite tasteful, the punterberry.

How's your hangover?

Muffet.

This is a funeral of colour, Ian.

Didn't you get the memo?

Plenty of colour in these flames, man.

Not that orange blood, just my chicken cocking shazik from last night.

Jesus, you've seen how far back it goes.

Every bugger in the bay must be here today.

Everyone except Rob Morgan.

I suspect he didn't want to come face to face with a certain someone.

Who do you mean?

The grim reaper kid.

You don't want to be at a funeral when he's already at home packing his bag.

This one's up to you, Prash.

Family, family.

And then I know you all remember one -legged Linda's funeral.

Daddy got up in front of everyone, grabs hold of a prosthesis and says, And

that

is why I loved the man so very, very much.

He was my boss, my mentor.

But most of all, he was my dear, dear friend.

I don't have a story about Daddy to share with you today.

There'd be enough of them.

The brisky fox later.

And I don't have a fond remembrance to make us all cry.

I just have two very simple words I'd like to say to Daddy.

Thank you.

Thank you for being the bright, beautiful man that you were.

And thank you for inspiring us every single day.

And thank you for showing me and continuing to show me, even now, that

families come in all different shapes and sizes.

And love comes in all different forms.

And if you are lucky enough to have this, even a tiny little bit of it,

then you've got to embrace it.

And not turn it away.

Oh, God.

I forgot about him.

I'd like to introduce you to an old mate of Daddy's, apparently.

Who wants to sing you a little song. So he keeps it short.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Rubber.

You're on.

Bloody hell.

That's Robert Blunt.

This one's for you, Daddy.

See you on the stairway.

I didn't know Daddy knew him.

He told me he roadied for them back in the day, but I took it with a pinch of

salt.

He even said he gave him the nickname.

Rubber plant.

Of course, I saw Robert Plant with Led Zeppelin at Nedworth.

78. And 79.

Aye, he's gone as cock and gold.

Just like my chest for me, you did.

Do you want to look?

No, you're not right, thanks.

Go on, just a sip.

Funny.

What did that with her today?

How do you think it went?

Awesome. Daddy would have been proud of you.

No, it's not the fallback.

But I'll get it all back to you eventually.

Half are believing in me, buddy.

Cheers, Keck.

Before I forget, someone wants to meet you.

Mammy, this is Luke.

The bloke who paid for your trip.

Oh, you're an angel sent from heaven, you are but.

I would never have met Hong Feng Evans if it weren't for you.

Hong Feng Evans?

They hit it off in Paul's call.

Big time. Could be wedding bells before she cocks it this week.

At least some good's come up to it, eh?

I only met him a couple of times. He seemed like one of life's good ones.

Yeah, with a disgusting sense of humour.

Michael, I'd really like you to meet my half -brother, Jake. Nice shoes.

Cheers. They look comfortable.

They're absolutely killing me.

Can I get you a drink?

Sorry, what can I get you to drink?

We have whiskeys all round.

Calming up?

Thanks for being there for me today, Stella.

That's all right, Prash.

She's brilliant, isn't she?

Everyone should have a Stella in their life, don't you think?

Too right.

I'll go and help Jake. See you in a minute, gorgeous.

And you really want to lose her, do you?

No, of course not.

Then stop.

fapping around and tell Rob Morgan that kiss was a mistake not to be repeated.

Heart condition or no heart condition.

I am serious, Del.

You know, you've got to put him straight before he all goes tits up. Yeah, all

right, stop telling me what to do, man.

I'll work it out for myself, okay?

I wanted to tell you to stop it. Stop kissing me. Auntie Brenda, you stand

accused of bringing this council into disrepute. You know how much I love her.

Yeah, and that's why I never ever do nothing about her. I'm sorry, okay?

Too late, traitor.

You want a fight?

Bring it on, old man.

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