Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

If this medication isn't working, I want to come back to Wales for a bit.

I haven't got no one to dance with, so I was wondering... Yes, well, you are in

luck. I'm here to talk about Jasminder. I think it's time we found her a

husband. You can't just stay for the summer.

Hello, Stella.

Smile.

But why a cottage? What's wrong with the hotel?

I don't know.

He's here for the summer, isn't he?

Not then.

Oh, is that what he told you?

No, it's what he told Luke.

Remember Luke?

The son he'd come to visit?

Don't be sarcastic, Stella. It doesn't suit you.

It's just... Rob's been here a week now and I'm fed up of talking about it.

I want to talk about our anniversary instead.

Two years.

Where's the time gone?

Oh.

You walked me home after the gala, took me to your bedroom.

Pushed you onto the bed and said... Something big had come up. Don't

that bit.

That's enough.

I just don't want your insurance, OK?

Now, goodbye.

Jameson's claim letter hasn't had a response.

What? We need that in by the end of Friday or we can't count a claim.

But I'm going to Ponterbury today. It's my anniversary tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Michael. Until this is done, you're not going anywhere.

What do you think?

Very flash.

Stolen? Yeah.

Lost the pleat of the roundabout.

Got a hand?

No.

Come on in.

This is nice, isn't it?

There really is no need to take me, you know. It's just routine.

Do my bloods.

Oh, hush now.

I'm going to move on. We're going to be late.

This is still between us, isn't it?

Of course.

I haven't told no one.

Not even my girl.

Thank you.

I don't like keeping things from him, though, Rob.

Hmm.

Sorry.

Right.

Let's get you to the hospital before the police catch up with me.

How many times? There's absolutely no way I'm having an arranged bloody

marriage.

Please, we just have to keep your daddy G happy.

But why?

Well, because she's your grandmother.

And because she owns half the pub.

The Capules are one of the most respected families in Bombay. So I must

that the living room upstairs is thoroughly cleaned. Am I clear?

You're in the way. I beg your pardon?

Look, love, I'm employed to clean the pub, but I'm not some domestic servant.

So are you going to move or are you on wet feet?

We sign the new lease next month.

Please just play along until then.

You've only got to meet the boy. I promise.

Fine. But you or me, all right?

Got to say, you've got good taste in staff there, Jag.

Soft hair, full lips, a hind leg like a Spanish stallion, and she's got balls,

which I always find attractive in a woman.

What are you getting at, Deanto?

I think you were clean as the dogs.

I'm going to ask her out.

On a date?

Hey, I'm not stepping on toes with you, am I, Captain?

If you get his hands on her, if the officers may, I'll stand aside.

No, of course not.

Don't be ridiculous, ma 'am.

In that case, mission gone.

Well, they're all wood, basically.

A teak.

mahogany, some opt for wicker, but they're either hippies or cheapskates,

wouldn't bother looking at them.

Look, I tell you what, why don't you take this home with you to peruse it,

or what you call, and give us a tinkle later on, is it? Thank you for your

customer and sorry for your loss. Bye!

What in the name of Julie Christie was that?

You added in and out quicker than a microwave spud. Sorry, got a dash.

meeting. I'm going to propose myself as candidate for new mayor.

Matusha Brenda.

When you began this job, you insisted your work here would be not compromised.

I ain't compromising nothing.

Ivan, love, surely having the mayoress of Ponterbury on your payroll can only

benefit the slosh emporium.

Very well. But I must insist you are present at tomorrow's wake.

Hmm, Eric Edward.

A Star Trek fanatic.

Oh, you do mean Eric the Vulcan?

Well, I'm surprised the evening is awake.

He had no friends to speak of.

All online, apparently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do not let me down, Matusha Brenda.

Daniel Kapoor.

Oh.

You are up in a giraffe.

This is your one opportunity for eternal happiness. It is vital you make a good

first impression.

Therefore, I think it would be most fitting...

For you to perform a Bharatanatyam when he arrives.

Dance? In front of him?

Have you completely lost the plop?

Please, just don't talk to your Babaji like that.

Look what you've done now.

You're not the one having to go along with that bloody madness.

All I desire, all I pray for and beg for on the ground like a crawling hound is

that my family should be happy.

I only want what's best for you.

But you, you...

Pitch it in my face.

Fine.

I'll do the whipping dance.

Thank you.

Jai Brahma.

Jai Brahma.

But I want to talk about this.

What of it? I want to enter with you.

No, no, no. It is not appropriate to be. I am a professional. The others are

mere amateurs.

So? That gives us a better chance.

Any idea where the lippy is? I'm right in the middle of Mrs Doyle.

Judging her up for a family look -see.

The thing is, you're amazing.

You're the best.

There's only two winners for this competition.

You and whoever you dance with. And I want to be the whoever.

Please. It was you on Tuesday.

I used it for old man Jacob's cheeks.

Stop whittling, Bobby.

Use this.

Intense plum is hardly ideal for a 90 -year -old.

I don't think she'll be complaining, do you?

So, will you dance for me again?

Please.

What do you say?

I say, to the hell with it. What have I got to lose?

I've booked a room with the fox to practice.

I won't let you down, Evan.

Ivan.

You want to tread gentle with that one, you know.

Attractive woman.

I'll spend away.

Bobsey, you are holding a stick by the incorrect end. She is interested solely

in the dance.

This is good. Still needs a few tweaks, though, and a bit of sleep, of course.

Right, do you mind if I... Checking in with your insurance broker?

Sure. Ask her what the weather's like in Wales.

Just ringing to check I didn't get you into trouble earlier.

Look, I've got something to tell you.

Where are you?

Erm, walking banjo.

Stella! Who's that?

Oh, it's Rob.

Hey, Rob.

What was he doing there?

He's out for a run.

Right, well, send him my best.

Will do.

I suppose we should invite him over sometime.

Show him my allotment.

Guess so.

Well, come on, then.

What? Invite him over.

Do you want to come and see the allotment one night? Michael's asking.

Uh, yeah, lovely.

He said, yeah, lovely.

Anyway, look, about tomorrow, um... Hang on a sec.

Rob?

What's wrong?

Oh.

Just a bit lightheaded, that's all.

From the bloods.

Can you show me later, Prash? Only, um, it just started raining.

And I haven't got my brolly.

Bye. What time is your train?

Uh, three o 'clock. I'm coming with you.

What? I'll go and see Marshall, that IT guy in Cardiff. We'll work en route and

make tomorrow's deadline by tonight.

You are a bloody angel.

I think you know I'm not.

Stop looking at me. I'm fine.

Just might not be doing the next London Marathon, that's all.

You have to tell Luke, Rob.

Topshop in Tyne and Rare Vale. May we meet you then?

What do you think?

Both up. I like everything you wear.

Oh.

Hiya. Hiya, Estelle.

Did you hear that?

He's the best BF ever and he likes.

I'm from the gully, into the garden and into the house.

Here we have the kitchen.

And oh, look over there.

Who's that?

Could it be a dirty douche who'd rather spend the summer with a girl than his

best bro?

You know you're not recording.

The light's not on.

Go chew on a borrowed pen.

Oi, don't talk to her like that, saphead.

Oh, what, douchebag? Oh, do you know what?

You two are doing my flipping head in. Some people in this world have got real

problems.

The one -way system has been in place since 1989 when an average of 0 .38 ,000

vehicles... Sorry, you're not interrupting anything, am I? George, the

here was just laying out his plans for the one -way system. Oh, good.

Nothing important, then.

I was just declaring myself as candidate for mayor.

Well, funnily enough, that's exactly why I'm here. Because I want to declare and

all. You declare for mayor?

Give me a break.

Look, I didn't want to have to bring this up, but before she

died, Mayor Mary May told me I was to be her successor.

Successor? Who do you think you are? Henry VIII?

Have you got a manifesto?

Of course I do, good boy.

I got mani -watchnims flowing from my noodle like streamers in the watchacall.

So come on then, tell us what they are.

I'll tell you right now when I'm going to tell you what they are. Tomorrow

afternoon in the Frisky Fots. In a pub?

Yes. A public place, because we are here to serve the people of the public, all

right? I've got a big table booked for lunch on me.

My plans will be revealed then.

Here you go.

Thanks. Oh, do me a favour. We're out of lemonade.

Here's a tenner.

Pop down the littles and get six big bottles, will you? Oh, I... Thank

you.

What for?

Trust in him.

Oh, trust has got nothing to do with it.

I'm a businessman.

I'm hoping he'll shoplift the pop and come back with the tenner.

So, here we are.

Ponterberry Park.

Haunted after dark by a ghost swan and a zombie fox.

Let's find out more.

Hiya, girls.

Have you ever been in this park at night?

I know what you're after, Ben Morris.

And I told you I weren't interested last summer.

What? Oh, no, I didn't mean... Can I see that?

No.

It was your sister I was after anyway.

These things are meant to be idiot -proof.

Hiya. Look, I gotta go.

Yeah, time to be grandpa.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, and thank you for feeding Dylan.

Yeah. You too.

Bye.

Hey. Hello, dear.

Dylan? You two got a dog now?

18 -pound carp.

He's got the run of the pond.

Doesn't need much commitment.

I like him.

Is she coming over then, Suzanne?

Probably not. She's just so busy with work, you know, and... Anyway, I like my

own space.

Besides, who'd feed Dylan?

Who'd drag you from anything away?

Diddly squid.

Anything I got going on is organising a gambler's anonymous meeting, and I bet

you a million quid, even that goes tits up.

Hmm. I bet him it was off the cards.

Very funny.

I got no job, no prospects, no nothing.

And please don't say something will turn up, cos it never does.

Let me give you some cash.

I'll tide you over.

No, you're all right.

You're always bailing me out, you and mum.

Hey, what was it you wanted to talk about?

Oh,

I'm taking the whole family out for lunch tomorrow.

Nice big jolly.

What do you say?

Yeah, sounds good.

You like going out for lunch, wouldn't you?

You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

A million times I've asked you And

then I ask you over Again You only

answer Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I know what you're thinking.

You do? I never got the projection right on my active leg.

In the middle eight.

What does five minutes take?

Very impressive.

I know.

We've got natural chemistry, me and Evan.

Yvonne!

I would say it was a bit more than chemistry, if I didn't know better.

What are you suggesting, Stella Morris?

Oh, nothing.

This is the YouTube. You do well to remember I'm a married woman, thank you

much, with husband up the rigging.

I didn't mean anything.

If you'll excuse me, I've got dancing to do.

Can we try that bit from the end again?

I didn't quite get my leg over.

Ah, no, that quite suffices for today.

Good night.

Now look what you've done.

Disgusting you are.

Ah!

What are you doing here?

At platform three is the 1515 from London Paddington.

And the witness statement?

Email from the train.

So, we've made the deadline, then? Just.

Thanks for your help. I didn't realise what a schlepper it is for you every

weekend. Oh, it's worth it.

Oh, great.

Problem?

Yeah, I missed the bloody valley connection.

See you Monday.

There was no need to come.

Just wanted to know you were all right.

Yeah, it's supposed to be anonymous.

Well, I'm your mother.

See your dad today?

Yeah, popped over like.

You are all right, aren't you?

Yeah, of course I'm all right.

It's just, I know this has been advertised on the website and that, but

word hasn't gotten out?

I'll leave you to it.

Come in.

I've been expecting you.

Sorry, I'm not sure we're in the right place.

We're all friends here. You're definitely in the right place.

Take a seat.

There's no need to say anything. I'll kick things off in a bit.

You have far to come?

Mumbai?

Wow!

That really is commitment.

Mrs. Kapoor and Daniel Bate on the mustay. Welcome to our home.

Just ignore this unsavory man and follow me.

For goodness sake, Jagadish, let people relax before they have food.

Ready your manners.

Of course.

Apologies, mother.

I have studied the charts of these two children

very carefully, Mrs. Kapoor, and they speak to me.

They are of the water, and I have no doubt they should be together.

No, you've got to be fucking joking me.

Okay, hang on, man.

Now, whether it's me or not that's running this, you're still walking out,

aren't you?

Don't get all Jeremy shit and Kyle on me, Lukey boy.

I'm serious.

If you've come about gambling, you've come to the right place, mate.

That's a bit stupid, isn't it?

Big room, empty chairs, just me and you.

There's no way anyone else is going to pitch up at this time.

Fancy a game of pool?

How are you going in?

So.

Well, good God, what time do you call this? I'm so sorry, I missed my

connection.

Oh, thanks for seeing to these.

Be careful now.

You've got your suit all muddy.

I'll come down here in the morning.

No, you won't, good boy, because we are leaving after breakfast and heading up

to Manor House.

What? For our anniversary.

We're having a far day and we're staying the night.

In a four -poster.

We can't afford that.

It costs nothing.

I won it in a competition.

Of course you did.

What?

Why is Mad Max sending you a sex text?

Picked up Maria's bloody phone, haven't I?

Yeah, well, switch it off.

I don't want to see no more if he's on the last leg of a strip.

I'll sort it tomorrow. God, what a day. I mean, the defendant's team... Hey, no

work talk, is it?

You're late as it is.

Let's not spoil the weekend.

They tried to put a fast one last time.

Michael.

Fish and chips in the oven.

Makes a lot of sense, what you're saying.

Yeah. It's like I told you, helping you helps me.

That's how it works, this thing.

I saw you win that cup.

It was at the Martyrs' Club, wasn't it?

Three rounds on points.

I just kept running.

Bull, you were good.

I wish I had that skill.

It's the rage now, isn't it?

Boxing to be fit.

Personal trainer, isn't it?

There's so much to choose from.

Yeah, I think I'll go for a nice shoulder massage.

Yeah, about that, Presh.

Thing is, your treatment's already been chosen, see.

Really?

What is it?

Chest facts.

What?

That was the competition, like.

Describe why you use eternally soft in less than ten words.

Eternally soft?

It's the new brand of male chest wax.

I told them you use it.

Eternally soft?

They'll be waxing you with it at 5 .30.

Just think of the full poster, is it?

Hang on.

Oh, and there's going to be a photographer there for their new

They said, would you mind wearing this for the shot?

You've got five minutes.

Yeah?

Me?

I saw Luke yesterday.

Me too.

You didn't tell him.

I couldn't do it.

He seemed so worried about other stuff going on, I just wanted to protect him.

So I told him we're going for a big family meal at one.

What? I was hoping you'd come, otherwise he'll know something's up.

Oh, no, I can't. Me and Michael, I meant to... He's Stella.

I really need your help with this.

Rob? You're out and about early?

Yeah. He just popped in to... Say hello and to invite you for lunch.

Invited for lunch?

Today?

No, sorry, we can't do today. Yeah, we can.

We can.

We'll see you there.

OK. See you there.

Oh, little Al! Keep a cop in our yoke, will you?

Just collecting some sand for the back wall.

Old cement's rotten as cock.

This is the zombie playground where all of the dead zombies come together and

play as one.

Oh, stay in the frame, Benjamin.

What do you mean, frame, boss?

Oh,

that's rubbish.

Oh, you pants.

We won't be working together again.

Artistic differences.

Yeah.

Ben, can we talk about Carys? Oh, shut up, man. I don't want to hear that. The

last year when you met Lily, I was really happy with you. Don't bring her

it. I helped you when you were too shy to ask her out and that. That lot of

that I did. And now I've met someone.

And, like, it's your turn to be happy for me this time.

Yeah, well, she's gone and ruined our entire summer, hasn't she?

We can still hang out, you know. It's just I want to hang out with her and

Miss you, man.

Will you help me make my zombie film?

What? Even though I'm a douchebag? You can be a zombie douchebag.

Yeah, all right.

Do you reckon you can still go higher? Of course I can, you muppy.

Hey, smile for the camera. Come on.

God, you are a clean mind.

Hey, you kind of look like a zombie, say that. Hey, come on.

I'm not.

Hey,

don't you fucking swear at me. Get it in the fucking barrel.

I don't care if you're hungry. If you don't shovel that, you'll have another

tea.

Checking out the boxing gear, is it?

Yeah, just seeing what you're like.

Barting with him about the gloves.

I've got a fiver off mine.

Do you want a hand?

No. Woman's got to stay fit, Luke.

Strong body, strong mind.

Yeah, but that's obviously too heavy for you.

It's not for me, is it?

It's for Betty Wong.

She can still bench press the equivalent of a male orangutan and she's empty on

Tuesday.

Take a seat.

We're through there.

Just sit anywhere.

Yes.

And where in the name of Stephen Strange have you been?

I thought you'd forgotten.

Forgotten what?

The wig.

Of course not.

I just didn't know what to wear, that's all.

Anything but that would do.

Now, come on.

Auntie Brenda.

towards the butcher.

I will shortly be making my speech for Candidatura.

But first, I've got to pop next door.

Dorothy, help me with you in a minute.

Say, make an excuse. She's all ready. Shall we, uh... Hurry up.

I offer these around. Whatever happens, don't laugh. They take the whole thing

very seriously.

Take what very seriously?

I'm so sorry for him, Alice.

Eric,

the

Vulcan's online friend.

They've come to give him a Starfleet send -off.

As Eric would say, live long and prosper.

Due to the occasion, I'd have thought it was pretty obvious he did neither.

Sorry, Cruella.

Thank you so much for making the effort today.

Eric would really have appreciated it.

Effort? You were the only Barakian, you.

Barakian? One of the simple Blamonge -like people that populate Bartowess.

One of Eric's favourite species.

Live long.

Cheers.

Very impressive.

How did you know what to wear?

All in the research, kids. All in the research.

Oh, grateful.

And now my Daniel has prepared a little poem for you.

Haven't you, Danny? All his own words.

Danny?

Oh, for a dove, for my love above.

By Daniel Kapoor.

May I first go to the lavatory?

Please.

Yes, me too.

Excuse.

These young people and their bladders.

But then, they are of the water.

What does your star sign just mean now?

Aries. And my Jagdish is a Leo. You have both of the fire.

This is a sure sign that Shiva is looking down upon us. What are you

about, Mother? I think that this home will see the dawn of not one, but two

marriages. Two marriages.

Two marriages.

Stella and Michael, glad you could make it.

Hiya.

Go.

Right, I'll get some drinks in.

Lager top, ta.

You're not 18.

He'll have a pop and orange.

But, Mum, that is so unfair.

May I remind you, the last time you had a drink, you had a fight with Darren

Lomax and someone not normal you had.

You're having a pop and orange.

I'll give you a hand.

That was so embarrassing.

A 17 -year -old doesn't drink.

I'm looking at one right now.

Shaming. What can I do for you, gents?

Two glasses of Merlot and a pop and orange.

I'll just have a minute of water, thanks.

OK.

So, Stella tells me you've moved into a cottage up on Lemon Hill.

Yeah. It's a lovely little place, actually. You must book them all for

Not that I'm much of a cook.

And, well, is it Suzanne? Will she be joining you?

Oh, I'm not sure yet.

And Stella also tells me you don't know how long you'll be staying.

Yeah, well, it's the perks of being your own boss, I guess.

Just take long holiness.

Is that all this is, a holiday?

You know, sometimes I forget that you're a solicitor.

Sorry? All these questions.

It's just like being in court.

Put those on my bill, please, Keris. Of course.

Here

you

all are.

Why didn't no one tell me what time you were going to meet then?

Nadine. for the quiet family meal. I know, Ben said Shane Carl couldn't be

Still, we'll have to make do with me.

Ben, give me a hand with your sister.

Come on.

So,

what were you two nattering about at the bar?

I don't natter.

Talking about them.

Court cases.

I can't bear lying, Rob.

And he knows something's going on.

Just let me tell Luke first.

I'll do it a day after the meal.

I'd prefer it if you were with me when I did.

Of course.

Here you go, darling.

Thank you.

All right?

What the

hell are you

doing? What does it look like?

This whole thing's unbearable.

You look like you need this more than me.

Cheers.

I had to be drag kicking and screaming to this debacle.

I thought you looked well up for it.

I'm a good actor.

Your dance was very interesting. Yeah.

Right up there with all for the love of a dove above.

Would you like to go outside for a smoke?

Don't smoke.

Would you like to go outside and watch me smoke?

I'd like a drink.

Give me a hand.

I was wondering if we could have a chat later on.

Yeah, me too.

How about that cash you offered me?

Well, actually... Don't you think I'm not grateful? I am, but I can't borrow

from you, can I? Because of this GA thing. We're not meant to borrow, are

lend? I know that. That's not what I meant. I was wondering if you'd like to

invest. Invest in what?

I've had this idea.

Set myself up as a fitness instructor, box inside.

I've done some forecasts and you'll get it back definitely.

It'll just be for the equipment.

What do you say?

I'd love to.

Cheers, Dad.

It's going to be all right, Luke.

I know it's a bit of a shock.

Eh?

Luke was just telling me how he's going to set up his own business.

I'm lucky enough to invest.

Boxing size.

Boxing size?

Oh, yeah, that's a brilliant idea. When did you come up with that?

What do you mean, it's a shock?

Just seeing your dad again, that's all.

Your mother's had a few too many Merlots.

She never could order a drink.

Same again, please, Keris.

Stel, we should be heading off now.

You can't go yet. The sticky toffee puddings were after us. It's our

anniversary, Ben. Really? What of? You should have said.

Two years since we first met. When's your date?

You ready still?

Actually, let's stay and have dessert, is there?

We've got plenty of time to get there.

Ben, watch a baby for me.

Mine's a throat salad, not cream.

You're different from your photo.

Looks can be deceptive, huh?

I don't even need these glasses.

My mother insists it makes people think I'm intelligent.

That's mad.

There's clear glass in them.

I know that the G means well and that.

And I love her to bits, really, but she can't know who's right for me. Can she?

Of course not.

Matchmaking is archaic.

You've got to go with your heart.

Not your head.

And there has to be physical attraction.

Go. Go.

Strong. Physical attraction.

Very strong.

Just going out for a breather.

Family meal.

It's hard when you're the centre of attention all the time.

I can imagine.

You wasn't bothered last night, was you?

About what that Stella Morris was insinuating.

Because she just doesn't understand the dance then.

Always been a bit thick, that one.

I can see from whence her mistake arose.

The dance is in us. It takes us over.

We have the chemistry, you and I. That's what I said. That is what I said. We

do, don't we?

Absolutely. But the notion of a romantic liaison between us.

Preposterous.

Hysterical.

So, I'll see you tomorrow at eight for practice.

Partner.

You and I look like you've seen a goat.

Carol, I wonder if you would like... The mystery machine is ready to take us to

paradise.

What? The number 48 for Cardiff leaves in ten minutes.

I've finished up. Do you mind if I go?

What?

Yes.

Please. Yes.

Of course.

Lager top and Rob's bill.

And I'll tell my mum.

You really don't like me, do you?

Correct. Well, the fill -in's mutual.

All right.

We'll just have to put up with each other, won't we?

For the sake of my mate.

Deal?

Deal.

About flipping, timing or... You two are really getting on my nerves like a

couple of cats.

Not now, Dotty.

Where the hell have you been? Stuck in the transporter beam.

Eh? Nothing. Now, listen here, you lot.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen of the council, if you do make me mayor of...

Pontevedi, you'll get honesty, drive and passion.

And whatchacall.

Is that it?

Plus a pub lunch like this every month. My bill.

Thank you.

Jadish!

Jadish!

I found this upstairs in the living room. It's from just within the... Look!

and Danny gone to Ibiza to chill?

No panics. Catch you soon.

My little girl.

Our little baby.

What have you done?

Me? You pushed her too hard with your demands and your overbearing ways. Now

she's run away.

What have you done?

Auntie Brenda,

there in waiting.

Does this mean you'll be giving up your job in the funeral parlour now that

you're in office?

No, Rob Morgan, I do not. I'm still very much needed there.

Because people are always dropping dead.

Thank God.

Michael.

Maria.

Pleasure. Oi, Chief.

I ain't a cop in both.

I need to take a bit of tracking down. Cross the fibre to the bag lady for

directions. I've got your phone.

Max is expecting me this evening. I know. He sent a photo.

He's obviously really missing you.

I wanted to get back to you, but the days just spiralled.

I didn't think swapping was your thing.

Yes. No, it isn't.

Come and meet the natives.

Everyone, this is Maria, my boss.

I'm going to get her a drink, so be nice, please.

Stella, happy anniversary.

Thanks.

Did Michael tell you the slog he has to get back for it?

No.

He haven't said nothing.

All right, Marie.

I'm Nadine, Stella's son's dead mother.

Yeah, I'm Luke, her eldest son.

Hello, I'm my dad. I'm Ben, a second. And my sister's in India. I'm little

Stella kind of adopted me.

Rob Morgan.

And I'm the great cotton aunt of Michael's unborn baby.

Quite a lot to take in all at once.

Auntie Brenda, Mary in waiting.

Are you the swinger from London?

Oh, God.

I'm in a polyamorous relationship, if that's what you mean.

Have I missed anything?

Train beckons.

Nice to meet you all.

What's happened?

Can I apologise for anything that may or may not have been said?

Relax, it's nothing I've not heard before.

Thank you for the phone.

How long were they together?

How do you know they were together?

You can tell.

Bye.

Stella.

Stella, can I have a word?

I was just telling Rob about the dinner party.

Was Maria OK?

Is everything all right?

No, it fucking well isn't.

What? This whole weekend has been a total waste of time. I mean, I've worked

arse off to make this anniversary and you decide to spend our day giggling

your ex -bloody boyfriend who suddenly showed up like a bad rash.

Rash? Yeah, and what about doing your placement in London? There's been no

of that since he arrived.

I mean, something's going on, Stella.

What is it?

Nothing.

Nothing to do with us, anyway.

Well, that's not good enough.

I'm going.

Where? Back to London.

I've wasted enough time this weekend as it is.

Oh, Michael, don't go.

Michael!

Mum, quick!

Oh, my God!

He was only walking for a minute!

Give him some air!

I don't know what's happened, Mum. He got up to go to the bar and just sort of

collapsed. Rob, can you hear me?

What's wrong with him, Mum?

You?

Looking good.

You are on fire, Conchita.

I'm so shallow, I'd leap into Rob's bed at the slightest sign of trouble.

Michael is threatened by Rob.

You think?

Welcome to my town.

Welcome to my establishment.

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