Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

Beyonce Evans is having you a baby and you won't.

talk to her or see her or even acknowledge it's happening.

It's been so brilliant seeing you tonight.

Are you going to walk me home then or what?

Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days?

You'll never guess what he'd do for a living.

Lock me sideways on a sea floor.

Accus me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back. My only interest

is the welfare of my son.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand, okay.

Do you know what?

You can keep your French Riviera and your banks of Lake Windermere.

Give me funny Ponteberry any day of the week.

Christ, you've got a lot of courgettes.

Thanks.

Beautiful day.

Perfect for a car pot sale.

Yay! Oh, come on.

I've paid for the pitch now, and anyway, you never know, I might actually make

some money, another 80 quid, and I can get the exhaust fixed on the car.

Well, let me pay for it.

Read my lips.

You haven't got no money.

Read mine, nor have you.

Anyway, I'm slowly paying off my lips.

Yeah, well, you're not out of the woods yet. And until you are, it's car boots

and competitions for us, my boy.

Hi, Mike.

I've got some more donkey dung down my herb.

Beautiful stuff.

Shall I sling it on? Right.

Yes,

I remember.

Well, yes, but as the other day I explained, we're not yet open for the

business, so... Of course.

Of course.

Of course. No, please, do not yourself upset.

Where may I locate the deceased?

You know, I'm still waiting for you to walk me home.

Oh, look, what happened was, I was meant to go on holiday, right, and my

stepmother turned up, and I couldn't find... Well, I'll... Anyway, see you

around, yeah?

What?

You doing your ponty -scramble legs?

Yeah, if you want.

I love being single.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me. I can see why you like it so

Right.

The carer's fairest lives in a terrace.

Or just leave it, is it? What's she doing ringing me for? What? I don't

She's just... I don't know. Oh, my God.

Has she actually got a thing for you or something?

I'd probably better leave it out.

All right?

God. Oh, is little Alan there?

Yes, I am. No, he's not.

Listen, love.

You're really nice and that, but little Alan's not interested.

So do yourself a favour and leave him alone, yeah?

Don't think you'll be getting no trouble from her no more.

Hey, Bob.

Little Al's doing breakfast.

What's that with your face?

I don't know, you look clean or something.

Yes, well, the old Bob's is back and I've got no time to eat. I've got

work to do.

Ready, then?

I done a flower.

What in the name of James Dean?

Bradfield, you two doing this time of the morning?

Lovely day.

Creeping home and what you call?

I reckon Stella Morrison and Michael Jackson have been having it off all

in his shed.

Disgusting. Best get to go to a christening.

Hey, play.

Genevieve has definitely got my mam's forehead.

How would you know what your mam's forehead looked like? She's been

for 20 odd years.

There's nothing left of the original.

You feeling fruity, babes?

Not in front of the baby man, Carl.

What do you think I am, a lap dancer?

Oh, I reckon she'll drop off now in a bit. Good.

Which means you and me can nip upstairs for half hour.

No, Carl.

Oh, Dean.

It'll have been months and I've had nothing.

Not even a little nosh and I'm back on the rigs tomorrow.

A man I, you know, needs like.

I told you, Carl, I'm not tucking into no blackberry pie and custard with a

asleep in the house.

It's disgusting.

Well, all I can see is a sign saying open soon.

That's not a good idea.

They haven't got nothing in the window.

No coffins, no headstones, no nothing.

Give them here.

I can't think.

Yep. What?

I think the eagle have just landed.

Wait, Bea.

I want your friend to be careful.

We know absolutely nothing about him.

He could be Northwellian!

Oh, good God!

May I assist you?

What? No, I... Then please excuse me.

This is a very delicate procedure.

Two should have begun. I've had bigger.

Do an handboot, cos I don't reckon you manage this on your own. No, no, I have

it all under control.

Well, yes, actually, if you do not mind.

You are. I'll take her tail end.

Oh, this will be what you call park, I should imagine, is it? From Upper Magga

Road, belonging to West End Pike.

I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to reveal identities of the deceased.

You could just go in at more of an angle.

That's it. You won't have to bend.

No, I fear she plays not ball.

Let us take a breather.

I have maybe been a little rat, taking on new custom when I'm not up and

running, so to speak.

Ivan Schloss, International Director of Funerals.

Auntie Brenda, friend of the people.

Oh!

Estelle, can I ask you something?

A car boot sale is not somewhere you go to buy a car boot.

No, no, no.

I did used to wonder.

No, what it is, Me and Dean, we still haven't, you know, done it like since

baby.

Shut up, Michael.

I mean, you were the same, weren't you, after Ben?

Didn't want me knowing you.

Well, yeah, but to be fair, that's because I'd found out you were shagging

someone else. Yeah, OK, mind the detail.

But we just need a bit of time on our own. So I thought I'd do Nadine one of

special baths with Nutella in it.

Nutella? Yeah, get her in the mood like.

Sounds fantastic, Carl. Oi!

Well, we need a bit of privacy, like.

So, I was wondering if you could babysit for a couple... Oh, don't even think

about it. A car boot is no place for a baby.

Let's just hold for a bit, anyway.

Thanks. Ma!

Oh, are you fresh?

Glad I caught you. All right, pal?

Yeah, all right.

Got a load of stuff here. Could be worth a few quid.

Aw, now you've signed rugby shirts.

Yeah, collectors like them, I reckon. You don't have to tell. A letter's dead

proud of that.

Ma 'am, I'm skint.

Hey, look, you couldn't do us a favour, could you?

I ain't babysitting Carl probably ever again. Ask Ben to do it.

Ask Ben to do what?

Very well.

I'll give you ten pounds.

Not a penny less. Not a penny less.

Make it 15 and I'll throw in a bottle of toilet cleaner.

Done.

Bit of a natural, wasn't it?

How much for this?

Oh, actually, that's not for sale. Yes, it is. Luke wants you to sell it. No, he

doesn't. But what about this?

This is long.

Antique christening gown.

It looks like a monkey duster.

Bloody hell, man, Carl.

What are you doing staring at me like a dog in a ditch?

Are you feeling better, Hugh, after your sleep?

Wait, who's Genevieve?

Oh, for a walk.

Not on her own, like. Well, because she can't walk yet, can she? And even if she

could, I wouldn't... Carl!

Ben would have taken her.

Right.

So, how about a sexy sock?

Oh, go on, then.

You must.

Oh, I've missed this.

I can't tell you how much.

What's that smell?

Bobby, get in! Will you put that stinking cigarette out? It's coming

bedroom. Disgusting.

Shut your eyes a minute.

Oh, what are you doing, Mancala? Just had my eyes shut. Shut your eyes.

I got a surprise.

Now, open them.

I thought you liked William.

He always says he's your favourite on The Voice.

He wrote a little rap and everything.

I'm sorry, Carl. This isn't going to work.

I've lost my inclination.

Oh, come on, then.

No, Carl. I said no. Now leave it.

Don't even look at me.

Who know where I waited?

I thought you'd been murdered or sold into white slave traffic. But no, no,

there you were, jolly as a German, sat drinking tea with Mr Ivan, big bollock

schloss. Listen, the man's desperate for help.

He got thingamaparker lying there, God rest her sherry -swilling soul, just

waiting to be undertook.

But he can't undertake her till he found an assistant.

So? So?

I told him all about you.

And we won't find a more experienced and talented funeral director this side of

Treorchy. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Yes, well, that is true.

And he wants to meet you. Oh, my God, when?

Tomorrow. You've got a slot at 2 .30. Oh, brilliant. What slot?

Recruitment day, seeing about 20 -odd people.

Recruitment day?

And so I thought, I might go for it now.

What in the name of the man next to you preachers do you know we're undertaking?

That's what I said.

But Ivan reckons that my experience as a local councillor and what you call

would go a long way.

You don't stand a chance, Auntie Brenda.

Well, we'll just see about that. Shall we, Bobby Gittin?

May the best man or woman win.

Too much of a dancer, then, Jan.

I go rhythm in my DNA.

And what about you, Carol?

How light is you a fandango?

Hey, what are you?

Dad,

promise me you won't go off on one.

Oh, my God, what have you done?

No, it's nothing like that, and it's not the end of the world. Just tell me, for

goodness sake.

OK, dance teacher.

Have she died?

No. But she's cancelled tomorrow night.

She can't do that.

She got offered six months on a Mediterranean cruise, teaching ballet to

of pensioners.

But which would you choose?

You should have booked somebody with low ambition.

And I shouldn't have depended on you to do it. Look, calm down. I've thought it,

OK?

How? I don't know yet.

I just will.

We can go rock climbing.

And we can make our own beer.

Even, I was thinking, we could start our own band.

Oh, and the other thing I thought we could do, and this won't cost us

is go camping up Brecon, like we did for Sonny's Bag Do.

Sonny's Bag Do.

I know, but that could be all of these over there.

Oi, you two.

I don't suppose you know any dancing shop, do you? What? I'm in a right load

doo -doo.

The dance pitch is built enough for this strictly thing at the pub. My dad's

going mental.

What am I going to do?

Emigrate.

Me and him meant to go dance once. We met Ashley Banjo.

Oh, my God, have you got his number? Can I call him?

Yeah, OK.

Right. Brilliant.

What? Hang on.

Do you seriously glass your banjo's mobile number?

Yes, he gives it to me.

That's amazing.

Why didn't you never tell me?

You can have that for the list, then. Go see Diversity.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey, Ashley.

My name's Jasmine de Chaudry.

I'm a mate of little Alan's.

Ashley Banjo is teaching the class? Yes.

But she's famous, isn't she?

Dad! She's also a he.

Well, I don't know about these modern names. Good morning.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.

Auntie Brenda told me you may have a room available.

Oh.

Hey, not bad.

67 quid so far.

Wow, so that's two -thirds of an exhaust or one and a half tires.

Decision, decision.

Ah,

I love young Jean.

Well, maybe not so young. Oh, still.

I remember when I used to wear these in cock in school.

Do you?

I used to make an arse of massive, didn't I?

What are you saying?

I used to make an arse of cock and hooves, ma 'am.

Yeah, do you want to buy them again or not?

If you don't, put them back, is there?

God, you must be up to your comfort zone, Mike.

Getting down with the masses, fighting over knock -off gear, selling, what's

Banana holders for 50p a throw.

I'm going to start packing up.

No, don't go because of me. I only wanted to give you something. I was

drop it off at the house, but seeing as I'm you...

Bought a buggy for the sprog.

Oh, right. Well, better late than never.

Well, you said you wanted to help out, didn't I?

Which I do.

Just over 400, it was.

400 quid?

Pretty full quality, mind still. Top of the range. What's it made of?

Platinum? Yes, OK. I don't have the money here, obviously.

No worries.

Hang on a minute. You can't just expect him to just... Stella, it's fine.

I'll get it to you, OK?

Cheers.

Expensive shag, wasn't it, Mike?

What's he say?

She said it was an expensive cot in shag, ma 'am.

Right, come on, you lot.

You're never going to get that on a cot in bus. Wait now.

Now don't run you over.

Well, reading this, I am so out of the loop.

Funeral game, I've raced ahead since I was playing it.

That thing about death, it'll wait for no man.

Get a bucket of smoky bacon, will you, babe?

For instance, did you know that wing beneath my wind is number one in the

top ten?

Abide with me, don't get a -looking.

Abide with me.

Fast for the eventide.

Oh, God, Jan, what if I've lost it?

What if I couldn't undertake my way out of a paper bag no more?

And that heaven -cowing schloss that's laughing me out of the room spits in my

face and angers me out to dry up under the whole funeral directing fraternity.

Please.

Allow me.

Thank you very much.

Moved into room three, staying indefinitely.

You are most welcome to Pontyberry, Mr. Schloss. If there is anything I can do

to improve your stay, anything as long as it is legal, please do ask.

You are too kind.

Actually, I'm serious about it being legal.

Yvonne, love, you were right. I trust your room is to your liking?

Indeed. Jack, I told him, if there's anything you can do to improve his

Anything for as long as it's legal.

There needs to be.

I just said that. Aunty Brenda, might I have a word?

So what in the name of shaking Stevens do you think you're doing?

He needed a room, I suggested this place. He needed lunch, I'm buying.

I'm merely giving comfort and succour to the new kid in town. Now, if you'll

excuse me.

We'll have two steaks.

Very well.

Look at her.

All over him like a cat in a hut in a pilchard.

Bumming him like there's no tomorrow.

Yeah, well, two can play that game, you have to be.

She's not the only one in town who knows how to bum.

Bobby Jean Gittin is a natural -born bummer.

I'll let no -one tell you otherwise.

I didn't want her thinking I've got no money. But you haven't got no money,

Michael. That's a dauber job. I know what I'm doing, OK?

Well, she's just going to give in to her every time she asks her something. Are

you, I mean, 400 quid?

God, there's a bloke on the pitch next to her selling a pram for 50. Nothing

wrong with it. I am not buying my son a buggy from a Ponsonby car boot sale.

Oh, the baby won't know no different.

God, you're such a snob. And I wouldn't mind if you said you can't afford to be.

What's that supposed to mean? You're overdrawn constantly.

You just about break even every month. It's not always going to be like that,

it? You've got enough money for top -of -the -range baby projects for a baby

that up until yesterday you didn't want to know.

Oh,

bloody car.

I'm giving you all my love.

I'm still looking up. It's not that I don't think you should support her. I

understand you've got to do that.

And you're leaving your space.

But I know what she's like, love. I should take you for a ride to Patrick's

Wood. She's already done that. All I'm saying is, let me deal with her next

time, is it?

Cos you're too polite.

Mine from Ponteberry.

I've still got to give her the money. I said I would now. Yeah, all right. I

just don't like dancing to a tune, that's all.

It does my head in.

See you later.

What have you got there?

Oh, this?

Undertaker of the Year Award 2009, Beth Newcomer, Bobby Jean Gittins.

Hmm. I knew it would come in handy one day.

I'll get her.

Undertaker of the Year Awards. Does that actually exist?

Amazing. Michael!

It's Beyonce.

Leave it to me.

She's claiming she's owed some money.

Yeah, it's all right. Thanks, Bob.

You didn't waste much time, did you?

I was just passing, so... Yeah, well, it's not convenient for us at the

so you'll have to come back. No, Daddy -o!

Got your money?

Great. It's as good as this word, fair play.

Michael, I thought I was going to deal with it. It's all there, but just so you

know, I'll be setting up a proper maintenance agreement so we all know

stand, OK?

Fine by me. Babies don't need designer gear and I can't afford to pay for it.

Yeah, whatever.

Like I said, you'll get what's fair, but I'm no pushover.

I haven't always been the case, though, have I, Mike?

Come on, girls.

Do you want to stay?

Mm.

Say thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I know you wanted to deal with it. Oh, look, it's sorted now.

Do you know where we stand?

It's fine.

It's not fine, is it?

Nothing about this situation is fine.

Sweetheart, we may as well accept that that girl is going to be in our lives

at least the next 18 years.

Great. But that doesn't mean she has to take over everything.

So can we have our Sunday back now, please?

We've got a picnic to go to.

Make a start on the sandwiches.

All I'm saying, Carl, is it's private.

You don't go discussing it with all and sundry at a picnic at Ponterbury Hill.

Stell, I don't mind. Do you, Stell?

We have to walk the dogs.

Do we? Yeah.

Before I mention shagging again.

Banjo!

I think it's a very common problem, Nadine, not wanting sex after

What do you reckon, Luke?

How long after Sophie was born was you and Zoe bonking? No comment.

Michael!

Tell everyone about your new client.

Michael's got a big important meeting tomorrow with this bloke from Bahrain.

You're such a class act. What?

Mohammed Al -Hamadi is a multi -millionaire investor. You just reduced

this bloke from Bahrain.

Incidentally, he's from Kuwait, and he's not our client yet.

No, but he will be.

What about after Katie was born?

Did you and your ex -missus get back on the horse, like, straight away?

Um... Oh,

looky. I've got something for you.

Your rugby shirt fetched 67 quid this morning on a car boot sale.

It's bloody brilliant.

Cheers, ma 'am.

Bit of cash for a minute, Michael.

Nice one.

Fucking hell.

Yonto just texted me.

Andy Fairweather -Lowe is playing in the Fox.

Oh,

immense. I reckon this was his biggest hit, White -Eyed and Legless.

You can't be serious. Surely Bend Me, Shape Me, Anywhere You Want Me is the

Weatherlow's signature song. Either way, the man's a ledge.

Now, can I get you a nice cup of tea, Ivan?

No, thank you. And it's Yvonne. What about a hot chocolate? A mint infusion?

Or a small brandy? I get heaven. Yvonne. Yvonne, I was having a bit of a clear

out earlier. Look what I found.

Undertaker of the Year awards.

Yes.

Have you ever been?

Oh, no, of course you haven't, because you're not actually an undertaker,

whereas I actually am.

I won Best Newcomer 2009 and ran it up the following two years.

I'm afraid I set no store by award ceremonies.

They are without meaning or merit, like so many things of life.

You are.

Well,

if you don't want nothing else, I'll go and settle up.

Auntie Brenda, it is too kind, but... Put your money away, kid.

I'm getting this.

So, my friends, I hope you'll be joining us tomorrow for their dancing.

Oh, Michael can't. Back up London and you to do it to me again.

But, Carl, maybe you and Nadine should sign up. Might sort out your little

problem. Well,

isn't dance meant to be, what is it, the vertical expression of a horrible

dance? Yes.

I'm starting to worry that I'm never going to want to have shenanigans ever

again. Carl gets so...

Determined, like a bull.

And I just feel I'm some kind of receptacle.

It's a shame you can't just get really drunk.

That's what I used to do with Carl anyway.

Oh, very romantic.

Well, maybe this dance class is a good idea.

Might get things going.

Your friend is correct.

Sorry? The dance will uplift your soul.

Two hearts beating as one.

Four eyes seeing as two.

Eight limb, moving, yes.

Four. Four.

I have said enough.

Please, excuse me.

Well, what the heck was all that about?

I don't know.

But I reckon he might have a point line.

My intention for the day is... My intention for the day is... To get that

job because it's mine. It's got my bloody name written all over it. An

is a joke, I tell you, an absolute joke.

Aunty Brenda, I'm so very sorry for your loss and what you call.

Hey,

it's just like the olden days, isn't it?

You and me with Emma and Ben.

Not really, Carl, no.

I don't ever remember you coming to baby group.

Not once.

Yeah, OK, minor detail.

Me and Dean, we still haven't done it, by the way. Oh, God.

I was thinking last night, after Andy Fairweather low, I might have been in

a shout, but nope.

I've even been thinking about getting one of them blow -up dolls. Oh.

No, they're ever so lifelike nowadays.

One of the boys on the rigs have got one. Oh, Carmen, shut up.

You could try talking to her in a foreign language.

Always gets me going when Michael does Zarebek.

What does that mean?

Climb on top of my mountain of love, oh, raven -headed beauty.

But I don't know no Arabic.

I know a bit of Welsh, like.

There we are, then.

Do a bit of Welsh.

Spagoglet. What's that mean?

Spinach.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today, and I'd like to begin

proceedings with a Madame Rianne Ever.

Aye, that's me.

Can I bring the cock and dog boat?

Which of your own personal qualities do you best feel suits that of an

undertaker? Splitting.

Optimism. Empathy.

I could do this job in my sleep.

The job involves much heavy lifting.

Would you say you are physically strong?

As an ox.

As an ox.

As a cock in ox's cock.

Feel that, mate.

And why exactly have you applied for the job?

Because I desperately, desperately need one leg. Because you told me to, Ivan.

Because I lose my cock in jobs because of a don't. Look, why are we messing

about here? We both know I'm the only man for the job. The rest of them are a

bunch of jokers.

And I know the word for Millennium Stadium.

It's Stadium of Millennium.

So that's Spygoglis and a popty ping.

and a stadium a millennium.

You think that'll get her going?

Well, as long as you don't find out that what you're actually saying is spinach

in the microwave in a millennium stadium.

Oh, my God.

Is that a bailiff?

Mum! Wait on.

It's immense.

You've won a car.

Would you like to recap for us, Michael?

Yes, okay. You allege that Mr. Jameson defrauded your company, Al -Khamadi

Holdings. He then sued you for misappropriation of funds.

Sorry.

Anyway, we believe that Mr. Jameson is effectively trying to embarrass you into

dropping your lawsuit.

How do you propose we respond?

Easy. We counter through him for blackmail and extortion.

I like this man.

I think he's going to win my case for me.

I thought you switched that off.

Yeah, sorry.

Please.

Somebody's very keen to speak with you.

Hi. Can I call you back?

What? Yeah, it's a grey one.

From that price draw I entered.

Darling, that's brilliant.

Oh, I'll send you a photo. It is absolutely stunning.

Um, yeah. Oh, my God.

You still in that meeting?

Uh, yeah.

I'm so sorry. No, no, no, it's fine.

Am I going into trouble now?

No, of course not.

Send me that photo.

I love you. I love you, too.

But not as much as the car.

Sorry about that.

My girlfriend's just won a car.

I broke.

How wonderful.

She never has, uh... Well, things like that don't happen to her, so... I

am amazing.

Oh, my God.

Big guy.

Four left to drive.

Mom, can I have a go?

You're joking, are you? I'm not letting you know I'm near this steering wheel.

Oh, you're a track record.

Oh, God, yes.

So unfair.

Do you reckon now you've got a new car, you can have your old one?

Oh, I don't know, Prash. I mean, technically, it's Luke's, remember?

Yeah, but it's a wreck.

Hey, the lad, we can do it up.

What, like Pimpy and you?

Yes, that whoppers the lot.

We can take the camper.

Come with me.

Er, yeah.

Maybe.

I know what you mean. It would be good. You'd have to make it good, though.

Maybe take a picnic. I'd go to Sweden. It's chocolate. I'll do the marionette.

I called Daddy Simpson in New Zealand for a reference.

It took a while to track him down. He was body surfing in Turangua.

It's on the North Island.

Anyway, he said that you, Aunty Brenda, are a force to be reckoned with.

A gale force, more like.

And that you'd be supportive and loyal and highly efficient.

But she's no bloody undertaker. Whereas you...

Bobsy, I highly experienced funeral director with local knowledge and a

manner to die for bad choice of words, but you get my drift.

So... Oh, for God's sake! What have you chosen? Stop dragging it out, you

sadistic little shit!

Sorry.

Auntie Brenda, you will be my brand new... Oh, I don't believe it!

My brand new receptionist.

That's it. And you, Bob the Giddens, will be my assistant.

Wondertaker, unless you've changed your mind.

No.

No, that's fantastic.

Deceptionist.

You've got a nerve, Evan Schloss.

Schloss, actually. Coming here with this strange Lithuanian way. I'm not

Lithuanian, actually. I'm Romanian. People like me and him against each

were perfectly happy before you come along. And now you expect me to be your

deceptive?

With a view to being trained up as an undertaker.

When do we start, kid?

I'm finishing early today.

Max has taken me to the opera.

Oh. Well done again.

Thank you.

I like working with you, Michael.

A lot.

See you tomorrow.

Bloody hell.

What?

I just wish you'd talked to me before you sold it.

Why? It was my car.

I know, but you didn't need to sell it. Look, if Beyonce comes at you again with

more bills, which let's face it, she will, you've got the cash to sort it.

Stella.

You're too kind, you know.

Why? Because I water your cabbages?

Good smoking.

No, you missed a bit.

I've got to go. My shift starts in half an hour. It's the dance class tonight.

Mum! What's this about you selling the new car?

Here we go. Good luck.

It's still not answering.

Well, if he said he'll be here, then he will be here, and that is what he said,

isn't it?

Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, they didn't actually say anything, cos they didn't actually speak to him.

Just left him a message.

Just, Minther, are you trying to tell me that there are 39 people in there who

have all paid and they're waiting for a man who will never turn up? He might

turn up.

Little Al said he's a really nice bloke.

Well, my thinking is, well, don't miss what you never had, do you?

It's nice to drive, mind.

Automatic.

Not the Bloody Mary, please.

Coming up.

What's happened?

It's disgusting.

People have paid good money for the class.

And Ashley Band, you haven't turned up?

I'm ruined.

Oh, look, let's just take a bit of music and let everyone have a disco.

Is there a dance teacher in the house?

I may regret this.

Lead me to the dance floor. No, but that is the point, Mr Schloss.

What is it, Schloss? Schloss, there is no dance class. There is no teacher.

There is now you don't look like a dancer to me

Thank you, thank you. I am a little rusted, but you'll get there, General.

So, now, over to you. We'll take it very slowly, step by step.

Please.

Hold your partner like this. That's very good. Here we go.

One, two, three, five, six, seven.

One, two, three, five, six, seven. Excellent!

What's the matter with you? You're all over the shop. Shut up, man. You know,

reselling's more my thing.

Actually, Banjo would never make us do this stuff.

Five, six, seven, salsa!

Three, five, six, seven, sexy!

One, two, three, five, six, seven, sexy!

Six, seven, sexy.

Two, three.

I've got to give it to him.

That cat can move.

Who's my new boss? Do you know him?

Very good.

Five, six, seven.

One, two, three. Excellent.

Head up, please, over there. Thank you.

Carmen! You've got to stand in on my bloody feet.

It's meant to be erotic.

I'm sorry.

Look, I can't stop thinking about you.

Even when I'm cleaning my teeth.

And it's annoying, really, because you're in my head, like, constantly, but

can't go out with you because Ben's got it about Lily dumping him, and now he's

decided me and him are going to hang out all holiday. No girls for the last

summer, whatever that is. So if I started seeing you, he's going to feel

pissed off. I know what he's like. He'll be all melodramatic and he'll use the

word betrayal.

So don't tell him.

What?

Don't tell him we're seeing each other.

Dad, I'm so sorry about Ashley Banjo.

Probably thought I was a nutter. Yes, probably. Still, it doesn't matter.

There is an old saying my great -grandmother used to say.

A dog can sometimes make a better cat.

Sorry you've lost me there.

Well, take Schloss. Schloss. What is it? Schloss. He may have actually turned

out to be better than the banjo.

How have you been? Bug.

Right. Well, let's go home.

Tonight's been a totally rubbish night.

Yeah.

Totally rubbish night.

What are you doing here?

I've got something for you.

That's an awful long way to come for a quickie.

Go and look out the window.

What's going on?

Look out the window.

I went to the car lot and I bought it back.

You're actually dreaming this?

In all the time I've known you, you've never had anything.

You're always doing stuff for other people. When you do get extra cash, you

it away to your kids or to me.

Well, now it's your turn, Stella Rose.

But, sweetheart, the money you need for the baby and what about Beyonce?

I just have to keep doing the car boots.

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Being romantic never buttered no path near Bobby Gittins, but... There we are.

That is so beautiful.

Speak longer, it's an apoptiping and a stadium a millennium.

Don't be disgusting.

I don't know what to say.

Well, you could offer me a little invitation. I need to get back to London

before Maria notices I'm not there.

What are you doing here? I'm on a college trip. I thought I'd surprise

The mayor is dead.

Mary the mayor.

Yes, Mary, Mary, Mary.

One, two, three, four, and round.

Hello,

Stella.