Original subtitles

Hiya, Sal.

An airship. My face on one side, hashtag vote Aunty Brenda on the other.

400 today, the rest next week.

The rest?

Can I get you a drink?

Go on, then.

Stop the warringty!

exactly what you lot are thinking. With the election tomorrow, our work here is

done. You're thinking, there's only two people left to vote for. Aunty Brenda

and David Sanchez. And he is, quite literally, a joke candidate.

Yeah? And he's probably right.

But now is not the time for complacent maths.

I want us marching into our day of destiny tomorrow, giving it 110

% whether you're responsible for strategy.

Image consultancy or miscellanea. I do love that word.

We're all in this together.

Things can only get better.

Nice to see you, to see you.

Nice!

Now, would someone please get me a skinny latte?

But I was worried about you, Paul. I didn't know where you were.

I left a message.

What a message. It was more of a drunken monologue.

You said sorry about 50 times before going on to say how confusing life was.

Now you start talking about global warming.

And then you sang a song from The Lion King.

I'm really sorry.

Don't worry, you've got a cracking voice.

Why didn't you tell me before?

I mean, I know you were having problems, but divorce?

I was embarrassed, I suppose.

And I thought you might shout at me.

We did try and make it work. He went to a therapist, but his Spanish... accent

was so strong we couldn't understand what he was saying.

So what are you going to do now then?

Honestly?

I haven't got a clue.

What song from the Lion King?

Hakuna Matata.

Nice.

We had a deal. We shook hands. You said it was the perfect runaround for your

missus.

I've done the paperwork and everything.

Yeah, well, not as sorry as I am.

It's not that confusing.

How comes I'm confused, then? No offence, Carl, but you got confused when

changed the wallpaper in the Legion.

Right. Let's ask Luke by her.

Oh, please don't.

Our new baby is going to be Emma's half -brother.

which means he's also going to be an uncle to our play.

Right. See?

He's not confused.

How can a baby be an uncle?

An uncle do have a beard and a pipe.

He do give you five pound handshakes and ruffle your hair.

Baby is an uncle.

It's not natural.

A baby is the most natural thing in the world.

We do live in a world beset by problems, but whether them problems are caused by

the internet, chewing gum, or the French, and personally I think it's all

I do still have a dream of walking hand

in hand with the people of Ponte Verde, talking and listening.

Aunty Brenda?

Not now, ma 'am. She was just going to ask about the... This is not a

conversation! I think she should be heard.

What were you going to say, love?

This stage is for candidates only.

I am a candidate, as of last week.

What? I saw how this election was going and I didn't like it.

Only two candidates.

For a town as great as Ponterberry.

It's not right.

What were you going to say?

Well, I've always thought that this town needs a donkey sanctuary.

Ridiculous. I'll see what I can do.

I'm making no promises.

But if Ponterberry folk put their minds to it, anything is possible.

You can't say anything.

I mean, you've got budgets to stick to.

You're not from around here, are you, mate?

Well, no, but... You don't know this town like I do.

These are great people.

That's why I want to give something back. Invest my time and money back into

Ponterberry. You know you can trust me.

You and Jenkins!

A safe bet.

I can't just come up here and steal my husband.

It's called democracy, love.

Now, who wants a free pen?

How could you not know when Jenkins was standing? You were supposed to be head

of strategy.

Calm down. You were fresh out of hospital, remember?

And the stress of dealing with you idiots will send me back in.

Would you be having lunch? The soup of the day is monkfish.

Oh.

Well, say, what do you like about Ewan, though? He's got charisma.

Couldn't take your eyes off him.

I knew this outfit was a mistake.

Primary colours radiate power. That's scientific fact.

I said we should go with bright pastel. You talked me into it. You need to raise

you again, good boy. Don't be blaming me.

Qualified image consultant, indeed.

It's not even a proper job.

Image consultants are the backbone of this country.

Aunty Brenda, can I offer a word of advice?

Ooh, advice, he says. You think I need advice from a philandering ne 'er -do

-well who can't hold down a job?

Suit yourself.

I'm alone, Michael.

No, I'm sorry.

Manfred Shoup.

Maybe it was a mistake.

Bouncy a drink?

I'm revising.

Yeah, sorry.

When you're done, eh?

Maybe I should retrain as a nurse.

Or a dentist.

What's that one with the feet?

Reflexologist. That's it.

I've literally got nothing to do.

Look, I promise we'll have a chat and a drink later, but for now, I've really

got to get off this, OK?

Ma 'am, I need money.

Hello to you too. Your mother is revising. I need 90 quid. In fact, bear

granddad.

Oh, they was lodging you the other day. Where's it all gone?

Don't look at me.

I've cashed it in. I'm giving it to Luke.

But I need it for my date with Lily. Luke needs it more than you do. Now, if

don't mind, I really need to get on.

Bloody hell, Mum.

Your mother is trying to work by you, good boy, and you are interrupting.

Actually, you both are. Is it so unfair?

You coming in here while your mum's trying to work? Well,

your mother is trying to work! What are you doing?

Ah,

get lost.

You look like a very patient curb crawler.

I'm revising.

It's lively indoors.

How's your hand?

It's sore, but I'll survive.

There's no such word as, I can't get 10 ,000 pence with your face on. Try

harder.

I'm going to lose that election.

Seriously? We've only heard of it, haven't we?

There's some new guy standing.

Ewan Jenkins.

The bookie? Seems very slick.

Knows how to talk to people.

Oh, save yourself, you miserable...

Call yourself a neighbour.

I actually tried giving her some advice earlier on. How did that go?

Oh, look, I know she can be a pain in the bum, but could you try and speak to

her again?

You're good at arguing. You're a lawyer. She's good at arguing. Yeah, but you're

good at arguing and making sense.

I'd really appreciate this.

Auntie Brenda says she'll listen to what you've got to say and she's promised to

keep an open mind, haven't you?

Right.

Leave you to it.

Where are you going?

I've got a chapter on the pancreas to read.

We can swap if you like.

So long.

I'm about to say some things that may seem harsh, but I promise it's meant as

constructive criticism.

Don't you worry about me.

I've got watch, cold shoulders and a tin of steel.

I welcome all form of feedback.

OK. Well, sometimes you can come across... Ah, the shame of it!

You sit there like Lord of the Dan, telling me how to behave, and you can't

your trousers on when a barmaid yells last order!

See, I knew this was a mistake.

That! said.

I promise, though, Stella, I'd hear you out, and I'm not one to let her down.

Unlike you.

So, here I am. I'm listening.

So, how have you been?

Fine, thank you.

A small bout of reflux esophagitis, but nothing that requires intervention.

About our thing, I had a real laugh.

But I'm not looking for anything serious. So if you're happy for our

stay a thing and not become a thing, then maybe we can do it again.

As long as it doesn't become a thing.

I just want a bit of fun. Take my mind off the heavy stuff.

Paula, you are an amazing woman. And I find you very sexually alluring, but...

But?

I'm an expert when it comes to the gallbladder and the duodenum.

I'm very much not an expert in romantic liaisons.

It wasn't a liaison.

It was a shag.

I'd like to thank you for last night. It truly was wonderful.

A once -in -a -lifetime experience.

All right, then. Fair dues.

You don't probably go for a drink, do you? Or a film, maybe?

I'm sorry. I have to get on.

What in the name of Brent Oval are we doing in here?

Look around.

What can you see?

A low -rent cafe with no clear business model.

You can see people.

And the fact is, you're not good with them.

Auntie Brenda, can I tempt you with... Not now, Alan William. If you want to

this election, you need to work on your people skills. So I want you to sit

down, have a chat with someone, and listen to what they have to say.

Piece of cake.

Oh, sponge or walnut?

I said not now!

Going well so far.

Hello, Celia.

Hello. How are you? I am fine. And yourself?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks. Just planning some ideas for the wedding.

I'm very interested to hear that.

Thinking of a fancy dress theme.

People can come dressed with anything beginning with an A or a C, you know?

For Alan or Celia.

And it's just for fun, really, cos it's a second wedding for both of us. Well,

you know what they say about second weddings. They do always end in divorce.

And let's face it, Alan Williams have always held a candle for Estella.

Lovely chat.

Have a rosette.

What was that?

The truth can be a wonderful gift.

How do you expect people to vote for you if you speak to them like that? People

in this town think I'm a local treasure.

Really? Because at the moment, you're coming across as unkind, unelectable

quite frankly, unlikable.

Why are you taking photos of your trainers?

Is it some kind of face -tube thing?

I'm selling them on eBay.

To pay for your date?

Oh, love.

Don't do the head -tilt thing. It's patronising. Listen, if I had more

you know I'd give it to you.

You just look a bit strapped at the moment.

New house.

All that furniture.

You do understand, don't you?

Yeah. Anyway, you don't need money to be romantic.

When I was your age... People had black and white telly back then. They weren't

fussy. Do you know what your dad took me for our first date?

A canal.

See? They weren't fussy.

No, it was dead romantic.

He made a picnic with all my favourite foods.

Cheese and pickle sandwiches with a lump taken out of the pickle.

All I'm saying is, it don't matter where you take Lily or how much you spend...

Just make her feel special.

Is that what girls like, then?

Yep, that and men with shoes.

You don't sell them, eh?

Good. Oh, ma 'am, no.

Oh, come on, there's no one here.

Go on, then. Just one.

All right, ma 'am, get off. Get off, get off.

What, Auntie Brenda?

What, Auntie Brenda?

What, Common Sense Party?

But, Auntie Brenda... Sorry, but I'm voting for you and Jenkins.

Two free pens and a cotton balloon.

I didn't mean to upset you.

No, you were right.

We've been here half an hour and no -one wants any of these.

Oh, I'd be glad when this is all over.

I was always very quiet as a girl.

I never said boo to a gooseberry.

And I was never the pretty one or the clever one or the popular one.

I was just chubby little Brenda at the back.

And then one day I thought to hell with it.

I started talking over them, shouting to get heard.

I've been doing it so long now with second nature.

That's probably why I'm so unlikable.

I only said that because I was annoyed.

Stella loves you, and Luke, and Ben.

That's three -fourths, Ben.

You can win. You just need to, um... You know when people say, just be yourself?

Yes. Well, don't be.

Don't get me wrong, you're a force of nature, and people around here, they

that. But if you want to get elected, you need to rein in that part of you

wants to talk over the kids from school. You need to listen, and above all, you

need to stop... Stop interrupting.

Enough of that.

Back to work.

You can take a moment if you want.

Why? No good standing around.

Hey, you two, look sharp.

There's no room on Team Auntie Brenda for slackers.

We've got an election to win.

And then you've got Uncle Ben's rice.

But who's Uncle Ben? He's not a baby. He's an old fellow with white hair.

Carl, Nadine rang earlier, asked you to call her back.

Oh, right you are.

This lady's looking for a... What was it again? A car.

Well, you've come to the right place.

What are you doing here?

I've been answering your phone.

Just checking you're still alive.

Hazel said you were... What was the word?

Endearing. She wants to book you again. Escort her to an art gallery,

apparently. Not interested.

She'll pay double.

No. I'm done with all that.

Do you not like money or something?

I've got a job.

Oh, I see.

You're always this busy.

She don't remember ringing.

Pregnancy do do funny things to the brain.

I'll leave it for now.

But give me a call if anything else comes in.

I've been earning good money. I got a wad of 20s like that.

And now they say I've got to pay tax and national thingy.

Of course you've got to pay tax.

Or do you expect the rest of us to foot the bill while you spend your ill

-gotten gains on speedboats and chairs made of heroin?

That said, a young entrepreneur like yourself shouldn't be penalised for

success. I will look at your situation should I be lucky enough to win the

I don't know what you said to her, but it's really done the trick.

And, of course, he's got the big debate tomorrow.

In front of the old town.

You should be proud of yourself, son.

You've tamed the wild beast. Vote!

You and Jenkins!

A safe bet!

Vote! You and Jenkins!

There you go.

It all looks very convincing, but when it comes to business, you don't bug at

all. What do you mean?

You know me.

Not wanting to boast, but I sold him a bit of land.

Made an absolute packet.

Ready? Come on.

Cheers.

I'm sure I can count on your vote.

Is this for real?

I'm giving something back to my community.

Making a difference.

Like, what, you?

Why not me?

Just forget it, all right?

I'll forget it when you've paid me back.

You'll get your money.

Oh, I know that.

Thanks again for your support.

Friend of yours?

Not really.

I seem to know you.

I almost sold him a car once.

Any idea how he's allowed to stand so late in the day?

Just have friends on the count. Yeah, like I said, I don't really know him.

I might do a bit of digging.

Michael, like I said, I don't know him, but I know people who do.

And he's not somebody you want to piss off, okay?

Your Auntie Brenda needs all the votes she can get tonight.

Good morning.

Anyway, I may have found some important information that'll help her out

enormously, but I need to get to the record office.

And?

And I don't have a car.

Oh, don't look at me.

I'm revising.

I'm in my gym jams. It could be fun. We could pretend to be detectives.

What, like Dempsey and Makepeace?

Not terribly current, but, yeah, that sort of thing.

OK.

Give me ten minutes.

Carly, it's Luke Morgan.

Sorry to ring you early.

Look, about this art gallery thing, I changed my mind.

Yeah, well, I need the money, don't I?

So where to have I got to be?

my head round there.

Ewan Jenkins bought some land from Di Davies. Yes, claiming he wanted to build

an access road to his mother's house, but there's no house there. I checked on

the land registry.

Well, why would he lie?

Well, that's what we're going to find out, hopefully in time for the election.

Which one was which, by the way, out of Dempsey and Macy's? No idea. All I know

is that Starkey had the dark hair and Hutch was David's soul.

I will cause a distraction.

I've seen loads of fainting in the hospital. It's dead easy to fake.

Then, while pretending to me, you sneak in and take a look at the files.

We could do that. We could just ask.

Excuse me, could you point us in the direction of the planning files, please?

on the first floor. Thank you very much. The files are open to the public.

I might be into any way, just for a laugh.

Come on.

Ah!

There's nothing like the smell of death to bring all the good times flooding

back.

Remember when Daddy dropped Hilda Campbell down?

The rushes went AWOL.

So you smoked 20 fags dead quick and we topped her up.

Happy days.

Well, you can't say I didn't try.

I've got no house, no job, no husband and no idea what to do with myself.

Even Dr. Herney doesn't want a return match.

I'm not desperate. I went to the library and got these.

Rediscover the you.

The sky's the limit. Fail is a four -letter word.

That's by Dr. Roger Glitcher and Judy!

We can have it if you want.

I may not have the answers to life, the universe and everything, but I know

one thing that'll cheer you up.

Does it involve getting completely twatted?

Hmm. Even better, isn't it?

Come on.

Candidates get two minutes each to outline their policies and then it'll be

more standard back and forth. I see.

Candidates should speak one at a time and not talk over one another.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely.

Good luck with that.

Actually, Ewan Jenkins, I'm looking forward to a reasoned, sensible debate.

So am I. It's hard to have a sensible debate when one of us is in fancy dress.

You're not fancy dress.

This is ceremonial costume.

I was talking about her.

Oh, God.

You jumped up and lifted...

What a funny comment.

You really are a delightful fellow.

I made a cake.

Yeah, me and little Al did.

As long as there's no nuts in it.

I've got a nut allergy.

Oh.

It's really sweet, though.

Thanks.

Oh, God.

Sorry, how good?

Has your dog been on this blanket?

No. I mean, I hope not.

It's just I'm allergic to dog hair.

Oh, bloody hell, Banjo.

Ben, it's okay. Just relax.

I made a playlist.

I asked Katie all your favourite songs.

Stalker.

I just wanted it to be special.

It's lovely, Ben.

Seriously.

In fact, this is the best first date I've been on.

Oh!

Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

There's no bleeding.

Only love can hurt like this.

What's this supposed to be?

Ah, that's for you to interpret.

There's no right or wrong opinion. Just look at it and say what you think.

Well, I think it's... rubbish.

I know this really isn't your thing, but look at it like this.

I need the company and you need the money.

See, what's wrong with painting a picture of a horse or a field or a bowl

fruit or something?

All in one picture.

It should be nice to look at, though, shouldn't it? Otherwise you might as

call a skip filled with bricks a work of art.

Oh, you've seen that exhibition, then?

Talking of nice to look at...

I paint, you know.

Still life.

There you go.

Balls of fruit in that.

Mm -hm.

And also people.

Life drawing.

Nude modelling.

Capturing the essence of the naked form.

Really?

You'd make a good subject, actually.

Are you winding me up?

Have you found anything?

My eyes are being bastards.

Is that an actual medical term?

This is interesting.

Look.

When you say interesting... It's an application for planning permission on

land that Ewan owns.

Yeah, again, I'm going to pick you up on the word interesting.

He's applied to build a casino and a big one, too.

It's stuck in some red tape because the site is too small, but that may explain

why he's bought the adjoining land from Di Davis.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Do you?

Really?

No. So are you revising what we're talking?

Oh, look, I can't make head nor tail of all this clanning stuff. Say it again.

Yuan wants to build a casino, but the council have objected, and now all of a

sudden Yuan wants... To be on the council.

Exactly. And I think we should ask him why. Now, when's Auntie Brenda doing

debate? Any minute now.

Then there's no time to lose.

Always wanted to say that.

And finally, y finalmente, hispanic, I would like to pledge three wrestling

masks for all pensioners and children under 16.

Do you have any policies that aren't to do with Mexican wrestling?

Thank you.

Ewan Jenkins, can you talk us through the key points of your manifesto? Of

course. And may I just say how much I admire your work.

You tell it straight, like it is. I admire that.

And I'm going to give it to you straight.

I love this town.

Always have, always will.

I'm a man who's given a lot to this community.

What, like three pens?

Which is bribery, by the way. Oh, Miranda, please.

And you, fawning away at everything he says. You were influencing the voters.

I think our audience are intelligent enough to make up their own minds.

What, this lot?

Most of them can barely read. Let alone put an X in a box.

No, we need to speak to Aunty Brenda. It doesn't. You'll have to wait till the

end. This can't wait.

It's going to have to. She don't understand. We need to give her this.

No chance.

Oh, I shouldn't really think of being double and I'm thinking...

Oi! And this is not just the greatest town in Wales.

Aunty Brenda!

But the greatest town in the world.

Aunty Brenda!

Did you win?

Read this. Can't do that.

I just did.

Sorry. Big fan, by the way. We'll be taking questions from the audience after

the interval, so do please sit down. Señor, you want me to play him in Nexos?

Oh, wait!

Ewan Jenkins, what do you know about the building of a super -sized casino in

Ponteberry?

I'm not sure that's relevant.

But it's been refused planning permission, and all of a sudden, you're

to be on the council.

Why is that?

Do I really have to answer this?

Yes, you do, mate! Why don't you just give it to us straight?

I'm not going to apologise for wanting to invest in this town, but if you must

know, as of yesterday, in fact, I've decided against building a casino.

I've actually been looking at plans for an animal sanctuary.

For donkeys, rescue donkeys. And dogs, rescue dogs.

For the blind.

And pigs that fly.

Do you think we've done enough?

Who knows?

Nice painting, by the way.

Wasn't too over the top?

No, it was unbelievably convincing.

I do think it's important that people use their vote.

We do every time, don't we, Carl?

Oh, yeah.

X Factor, got the dance, Britain's got talent.

You are to vote.

We're very lucky over here.

People in China, they don't have any of that.

It's disgusting.

Yeah, I knew her.

Yes, who made a picture of her daddy.

That is lovely. Thank you, darling.

Might have overdone it a bit with the aftershave.

Sorry. Just really wanted to impress this time.

Big client with her.

Yeah. Anyway, you might want to put that suit back on. Count the results

tonight. Thought we'd go along to support Auntie Brenda.

It's been ages since we had a night out.

All right.

Thanks, babe.

I'm going to have a shower.

Another ten minutes, is there?

Give or take.

All right.

Oh, Bob, I have had such an exciting afternoon.

You've done something different to your hair, haven't you?

Bobby's cheering me up. Mm, so I see.

Chin -clang -a -thimmer dogs, I do call them. Here we are. I'll do you one and

all, Delu, and there's your rent by there.

Lovely.

Come on, then. Let's have it.

No, it's depressing and boring.

She's right.

This'll help.

I feel so bloody lost.

I don't know where I belong. I don't know what I should be doing.

God, who she should be doing it with.

Right, well, firstly, you're not lost because you've come back here. Where

am I meant to go?

Exactly.

No matter how bad things are, you've always got here.

And I'm here.

And I'm here.

And Daddy. And no matter where you go, Punterberry will always be here.

And in here.

Is that a bit much, the pointing at the heart thing? It was, really.

It was a bit, yeah.

What it is with friendship is that when... Did you get pissed?

Hmm.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

At least it's not broken. That's something.

Are you going to be all right?

How much of a date was there?

Four hours, nanny.

Well, it was different.

See you around, then.

Ben, you didn't have to go towards that effort, you know. You could have just

kissed me and taken me out to the cinema.

Oh.

Sorry.

How was that?

Perfect.

Word is, it's still very close.

No thanks to you, Dai Davis.

Selling Jenkins your land so he could build a casino in Ponteberry.

Shaming it is. I was unaware of the ramifications.

Hopefully I'd saved the day.

Pulled Ponteberry back from the brink of sodding tomorrow.

I might go and get some water. I'm feeling a bit dodgy.

OK.

It's probably something I ate.

Where was it you went for your meeting?

Yeah, just a restaurant in town.

Back in a bit.

Why, if in one day, is that what I get for offering to pay double?

What are you doing here?

Well, I could ask you the same question.

I didn't think you'd be interested in politics.

My auntie's standing.

Auntie Brenda's common sense party.

I don't know about you, but I had fun today.

We should do it again sometime.

Luke, bud.

What? Results in two minutes.

Tension is making my bladder the size of a pea.

Wish your auntie good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the results for the final council seat in

Ponterbury Ward.

Total votes cast were 2 ,413, which were

distributed as follows.

David Sanchez, Mexican Wrestling Party,

four votes.

Ewan Jenkins, Independent,

1 ,204 votes.

Promise cotton chocolates, didn't he?

Auntie Brenda, the Auntie Brenda Common Sense Party, 1

,205 votes.

the district council.

Never in doubt.

Never in doubt.

People of Potterbury, I would just like to say a few words.

That'll be it there.

I just want to say thank you for voting for me.

Potterbury folk are the best in the world and I am humbled, humbled to serve

you. And, of course, I couldn't have done this without my team.

So, a special thank you to Di Davis... ..despite everything.

Yato Beads!

Miscellaneous.

Bobby Gittins.

And,

of course, Michael Jackson, who have almost redeemed himself in my eyes

after his previous indiscretion.

Now, let's get this party started!

I got something for you.

That is Bobby's rent, plus the contents of my piggy bank.

Should help pay up a few bills.

Ma, I can't. And if it's not enough, I can always go back on the ironing.

It's brilliant.

Thanks, Ma.

Did it then?

You know earlier I said I was feeling a bit lost and you said that stuff about

not being lost because wherever I go and you did that hard thing.

Well, I thought about it and you're right.

I could go anywhere.

Anywhere in the world.

Where did you come back?

I'm going to go to New Zealand still.

Visit Uncle Hugh.

You remember he spoke at Daddy's funeral.

It wasn't really a funeral.

Well, he lives out there with this big old Maori woman called Gertrude.

Oh, she's good as gold, she is.

And Daddy's always wanted to visit.

I'm going to take him.

You've got the energy of a 20 -year -old, your father.

It's going to come tonight.

He's gone to a hot tub convention in Rill.

So you're going to miss me?

Nope.

You're going to miss me?

Nope.

He's not that bad, I suppose.

Who?

Daidebe?

Thank you for everything.

My pleasure.

Auntie Brenda's in her element.

So were you, actually.

You've been great the past couple of days.

It was like the old you.

Yep, it was.

And I like that.

Returning to the old me, that is. But when I say old, I don't mean old, old.

Because I'm not. I meant old in a good way. In fact, you could say it was the

new old me, a new old Michael.

That's okay.

You know,

for a nurse, you have terrible...

Bedside manner.

Right. We have been chatting about our wedding, and we'd really love it if...

you would do me the honour of being maid of honour.

And best man.

Michael, not you.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, we'd love to, wouldn't we? Yes, of course.

Alan, get the champagne.

Sparkling wine coming up.

Got some money I want to pay you. I don't take installments. Give me a

You can pay me today, can you?

Of course.

Something's up with Luke and I don't know what it is.

So my 17 -year -old daughter is staying in some seedy hotel with an older man

who's already fathered a child.

You're coming home with me right now. Dad, what are you doing here?

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