Original subtitles

Oh, my God, Mike.

What?

Find yourself some other poor bloke to annoy, cos this one is mine and you are

not having him. Oh, but I have had him.

Mike, don't tell me she's lying.

Oh, God, for God's sake.

Hello, Cheryl?

The line disconnected.

Please contact your service provider.

The line disconnected.

Ben,

we're late! Get up!

Oh, well, that'll get perfect.

been cut off. I need your mobile.

Did you want to borrow my phone?

I'll manage.

Thanks.

Ben, get up.

Sorry, it's just Ben left for college about half an hour ago.

Right.

Brilliant. If you need any help with the bill... No, thank you.

Oh, taking up football.

I need to use your phone. Mine's been cut off. You've been cut off?

Cut off? She's telling me. Oh, just when I thought you couldn't think any lower,

good girl. Aunty Brenda, can I just have a minute, please? I'm shouting at you

like a watcher calling a watcher.

Shouting the odds, telling me you've been cut off.

Well, you are bringing this family low, my girl. Let me tell you.

Hi, Cheryl. It's Stella.

Morrie.

Listen, I'm sorry I missed your call.

My car's broken down.

Anyway, I'll be there. It's impossible.

That's the thing with you cheating, two -timing, slippery love -rap cheats.

That niece of mine is over there in tears. Her phone cut off. Not a penny to

name. What are you doing?

I'm taking Don Jew one by her down the peg or two.

He have ruined you. Look at you. Dog rough.

Puttin' on weight. Auntie Prender.

Patsy face.

Just leave it.

Well, that's the gratitude I get, is it?

Well, I'll be back when my itemised bill comes in.

I wasn't into you, by the way.

Right.

Hello, Kitty.

Good morning, sir.

Assistant Sprague.

Oh, drown notes all up to date. Oh, and a message for you from Dr Hebden on

cardio.

Honey, old slag.

Who are you bringing to the vino bar tonight? Because Louder's looking for a

spare.

Thank you, sister.

Was there anything else?

No, sir.

Over and out.

Nadine, what are you doing?

I've got to keep active, Big Al.

I'm doing football later.

But in the meantime, every step counts for the baby -like.

We have talked about this. Waitress... I'm a mother first, a woman second, and

waitress fifth.

By rights, you should be barred.

Yes, sorry. I'll go.

Hold your horses, buddy boy.

Now, look.

Stella Morris is my friend.

My really good friend, in fact.

If she hurts, I hurt.

We like that, don't you?

Alan, really, I don't need any lectures. But the truth is, I like to think of

you as my friend and all.

Unless you're a twat.

You're a nice twat.

So, cup of coffee and a little sausage roll, is it? We'll say no more about it.

Thank you.

I thought I'd get some cash together to try and help her out.

Aye, worth a try.

I know she's skint at them all.

I mean, I'd lend a son myself, but... Is this not picking up yet? Oh, we are

losing money ham over fist.

I could take a look at your books for you, if it's any help.

Seriously? Yeah.

You are a lifesaver. Hey, in that case, that one's on me. Just hand fire.

Not to see all your stuff in your garb, are you?

Them sausage rolls is all trotted and nostrils.

Nice. I think we should all be vegans. But then what do I know?

Right.

Here we go.

Here comes.

I'll be looking for her.

Cheryl, I am so sorry, but the... are completely conked out and I didn't...

it, Pinocchio, cos your nose is tickling my chin.

20 minutes late means 20 patients die.

What, someone died?

Yeah. Well, no, but they could have of.

Now, you missed my debrief, so listen up.

You're all flying solo today.

Got a question?

Answer it yourself.

Need help?

Tough?

Don't know your angiograms from your enemas? Get out.

If you put one foot out the line, I'll be coming down on you like no one, not

two, but seven tonne of bricks.

I'll be performing spot checks, leaping out on you when you least expect it.

So stay sharp, or die trying.

Hey, did you bring your football kit? What? No.

Oh, bollocks.

Morning.

Hiya, all right?

Yes.

See you later.

Mrs Lloyd, is there anything... Mrs Lloyd, can you hear me?

It's fine, she's just fainted.

Oh, you two know each other?

Stella, this is my husband.

Oh!

Is there somewhere I can put it down?

Five candidates.

One crown.

Who's that?

It's me.

That's my publicity photo.

Blimey, it's a bit out of date, isn't it?

I won't lie.

This have been a long -held dream of mine for many a year.

I've been wanting to run for office since the three -day working week.

Looks like you were planning this from the year dot.

Have you been smoking the reefer, Di Davis?

Because you do reek of paranoia. Funny how it's all worked out perfectly for

you. Stop cutting your nose to spice your face.

We can be a team, you and me.

Yanto. Get down the printers and out there make me up a load of posters. I

thinking this kind of thing.

Mm -hm.

You need balloons and all.

And key rings.

And a giant life -size cut out of your head. And body like.

That's the ticket?

Got it all mapped out, haven't you, Auntie Brenda?

Hello?

Hello?

Sorry, I was actually just looking to sell my bike.

Never that silky little Bonneville I've seen you on.

Yeah, I just need some quick cash.

I'll give you 1 ,800 for it. No chance he'll give you a grand. Take it or leave

it, Steve McQueen.

Nice to see you smiling again.

Yeah, well, life's too short and all that.

Yes, life is short.

You could drop dead from an aneurysm right now.

Let's hope not.

Jackfish?

Yes? Sorry, I mean to eat, because you should go for a meal.

We could go for a meal.

Or a drink.

Um, okay. I'll spread the word.

Yeah, or, um... Don't.

It's the consultant's wine tasting tonight.

They'd never normally let someone like you in.

Nurses. Especially a student nurse.

But I've got a plus one, so, uh... Oh.

Great.

I am.

Auntie Brenda BBM'd me, told me your phone had been cut off.

Great, well, you just announced it on the news. I got you a sandwich.

Thought you might be in need of a good meal in your belly. What, the time's

being so hard?

It's not the whole bloody jungle.

It's just a mix -up with the direct debit.

Anyway, I've just been thinking. You know, I've been kipping on Daddy's sofa

the last couple of months. And, well, no offence to Daddy, but he's up on the

Xbox all night. Oh, speed it up, Fresh.

OK, so...

How about I become your lodger?

I'll be rent, of course.

What?

Oh, I don't know, Bob.

Look, I can't think about that right now.

It's an amazing offer.

So, Ponsonbury.

Seriously?

That's the life of a local.

You go where they send you.

How long are you staying?

I don't know.

A week. Could be two.

I barely recognised you.

Oh, bloody charming.

Twenty years together and I'm just another face in the crowd, eh?

You looked so different.

Yeah, I shifted the bagel and cleaned myself up.

It wasn't really the best look for a physio.

Besides, I felt like I owed it to our Liam.

You know, get off the booze and sort myself out.

Dan, I'm glad you've figured things out. I'm really pleased for you.

But you should know I'm...

I've met someone else.

I'm happy.

Good.

You deserve it.

Oh, no. General Ward this way, is there?

Yes, straight down there.

Cheers, mate. Kids!

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

Um, long story. Look, I've got to go.

Listen, I've got a break later. Why don't we grab some food?

I can't. I've got football.

Are you playing again?

Yeah, I'm the coach.

Ponterbury ladies.

Proper little local, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

This is my home now, Dan.

I'll see you later, all right?

Yeah, all right.

Which one of you two go back washing my pot?

No, I never.

All right, see you later.

Bye,

babes. Didn't know you worked here.

Yeah, I need a word I do.

I bring my niece and nephew to see my Nana Pat, and I can't believe there's no

one fancy into her.

Cock and neglect it is.

That's before I got the tea I am. She's had to make you a coffee.

Right. Hey, that costume do look lovely on you, mind?

Slims you down a bit, doesn't it?

I thought I'd warn you, Bjorn. You're already seen her.

A vote for Aunty Brenda is just like voting for your auntie.

Upside, Davis.

I know you've got little legs, but if a chihuahua can run...

Go

on. Now's your chance.

Go and speak to her. Just please.

Fine. I will.

Where are you off to, Anne?

Portscawl. Lily's never been.

Oh, no, no, no, no. The sea's all twinkly.

Right, and luckily for Lily, I've passed my driving test, so I can drive her.

Whatever. Portscawl's a dump.

As if.

Right, come on.

Come where you come.

I thought it was a dump.

Get in.

That wasn't cool.

You sure you're OK?

Yeah. She'll be gone in a minute.

Anyway, forget her.

What's gone on with Dan?

Did you know he was here?

No. It was a complete shock.

Turns out he's a new local physio.

I thought you said he was a drunk.

Well, action man now, apparently.

What's Alan said?

I wanted to find out myself and I don't want to upset him. You know how

sensitive he gets.

Yeah, but you don't want him finding out from someone else.

Hey, Kentucky!

You're doing my head!

Stella Morris.

Check Mrs Evans' BP.

Oh, it's all right, I'll come.

Speak up. It's all right, I'll come. Speak up. I said I'll speak to her. Oh,

in your Nellie Bragg story, never asked you.

Now, I know her, but they have jiggerooed with Stella's fella.

But there's no room for personals in nursing.

Deal with it, Morris.

Poncho.

I vote for Aunty Brenda. It's just like voting for your auntie. Vote for George

the Butcher.

Vote for George the Butcher.

Bit late, hitting the campaign trail, aren't you?

I've been poking all morning.

Third chance I've had to come up for air.

Since when was you standing?

Since now, that's when.

Look at you, buying voters off with your rancid meat.

That's low, even for you.

Quality lamb shanks, please.

Nothing rancid about it.

Lamb shanks is my favourite.

I'll shank you in a minute if you don't stop squeaking, Jai Davis.

I'm going to have the meeting out of my hands.

Literally. You're crossing a line, good boy.

And I'm going to make it my personal business to see you pop like one of your

cheap sausages.

No, I told you I can't meet you now.

You just have to wait, will you?

The red one?

Babe, I've got to go.

Many. The bastard's killing me, you are.

Nearly done now.

Can you stop kicking, please?

You pay your cocking taxes and these nurses come and manhandle you like an

mop.

Ow! You're butchering me!

Christ, what are you doing to her?

She's a little worked up, so... Kentucky, stop kicking! Right, you two,

and you get off your phone and take responsibility for these children.

Er, you can't talk to me like that.

I'll talk to you exactly how I like good girl. This is a hospital, not a zoo.

My arm is black and cocking blue.

I was only taking your blood pressure.

You're thick, you are.

Hurting her like that, she's an old lady.

I wasn't hurting her. Just because you're jealous of me and Michael.

Right, listen to me, and I'll say it slowly so you understand, I am not

of you. I feel sorry for you, you're pathetic.

Pathetic, am I? Can't get a man of your own, so you've got to steal someone

else. this? Nurse Morris! I'll take you to court talking to me like this.

Go for it. Actually, I know a good lawyer. Nurse Morris, that's enough. Oh,

again, so do you. Know him intimately, in fact.

Yeah, that's it. Walk away. Oh, just be good for I'm walking, sweetheart. My

office.

This is

amazing.

See, I told you.

Stunning, isn't it?

What are you doing?

Just saying.

Me and Ben used to come to this beach all the time when we were younger.

Tell them the story about the crab.

Oh, no, it's rubbish.

Oh, go on.

OK.

Well, basically, me and my mum and all that was down here.

I was seven.

Maybe eight.

No, I was seven. And I caught this crab in a little net.

A big crab, like massive.

And I took it to show my mum as I was shown it. This is the best part.

It jumped up and bit me.

Come on, Lily, let's head down.

You've got to up your game.

Yeah, thanks.

Sorry about that.

I find, um, wine helps.

Yeah, look, about this evening, I'm sorry, but I can't go out with you. I

said I would, so it's my fault, but, um, I just didn't realise it was a date.

And after what just happened now, I don't think I can even show my... A

No, no, no, no, of course not. I meant, um... I just thought you might want

cheering up as friends.

Oh, right.

It's fine.

I've got to work late now, so it's going to have to cancel anyway.

Well, I should get on.

Yeah.

Hello?

What's going on?

Oh, don't mind the mess. Just unpacking, I am.

Hang on. I was going to think about you moving in. I never actually agreed.

You did, babe.

I know what I said, Bob.

Oh, you're stressed, you are. Do you want a volume?

It looks like a bomb's gone off.

Well, you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelette, and they're not my

words. They're Mary Berries.

This is a good thing. I'll be paying rent, and we'll help you out with the

Do you know what? Do what you like, because I don't care.

Oh, God, you've come over, old Sylvia Plath. Banjo, turn the gas off!

Yeah, well, I'm a rubbish nurse, a rubbish girlfriend, and I'm even rubbish

football, because I forgot my sodding kick.

Anyway, how do you get in here?

Micah let me in through the curtain.

Oh, the bloody wall!

Are you sure you don't want to value him?

Knock, knock.

Oh, enter at your peril!

How did you come in?

I just wanted to give you this.

I know you're struggling at the moment.

Unbelievable.

No, it's nothing, really.

Well, you think I'm some sort of charity case now, do you? No, it's your phone.

Paying me off with your pity money.

Well, do you know what? Pity money? I don't need it and I don't need you.

End of.

This is Johnny.

All right, lads?

Yeah. Good, man.

We just went to Clan Castle. Massive it was with turrets and everything. No, we

didn't. Just chilling, you know?

You surf?

A bit, yeah.

He doesn't.

We're going to go get a burger if you fancy it.

No, no.

Looks like there might be some decent waves.

Could be epic.

But, uh, text me or something, yeah?

Safe.

Laters.

Laters. Oh, my God, he's so fit.

Are you serious?

He looks gay.

Ben, don't say that.

It's not cool to use gay as a derogatory term.

All right, Mum.

Oh, so immature.

Oh, you are. Oh, I'm immature?

Funny that, seeing as I'm the one that drove us here.

So says the girl who can barely do a parallel park.

Don't even know you passed.

Well, I did. Maybe because your mother's minted and she paid him off or

something. Well, so says the boy who can't even tell Lily that he fancies

What? Shut up. No, I didn't.

Why are you being such a coward?

Come on, Lily. We're going.

Shall we go look at the crabs?

to the first practice of the Ponsonbury ladies football team.

Knock on dead, Dean.

Bloody loves you, babe.

I have a pertinent question.

Where's all the men?

Ladies football team it is, Parvati.

Losing the title.

Gotta be joking.

And you can keep your eyes off the father of my child. Thank you very much.

Now, we'll start off with a gentle warm -up, running through the cones and back.

Nice and easy.

Now move.

Move!

Very ladies. Fancy joining?

Hang on. Can I use this for my community service? Like?

Don't be one -off.

Hey!

Huh?

On the cock and head, lads!

Pick up the pace! Don't you run, not stroll!

She's so quiet normally.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Look at your man Dale Winton.

We want to be back in the high street, Auntie Brenda, where the action is.

School will be kicking out shortly.

This place will be crawling with not -so -yummy mummies and their potential

votes. Talking of which, are you really in love?

All right?

All right, Ben?

How's it going, Mr President?

Tickety -boo.

I need a break, Auntie Brenda.

If we are going to compete with George the Butcher's Lambshanks, we are going

have to work together. It's a fool's errand.

Well, you could always buy off George.

Get him to drop out of the race.

That's all you want me for, isn't it? My money. If the press get hold of this,

They'll eat me alive.

Where's your backbone, Dai Davis?

What's all this?

You were looking at the next councillor of Pontyberrie.

And it all starts here, with a hope and a dream and a boss and him.

Come on, Stella!

Can't be very after, is there?

Nothing better than a cute burger.

Seriously. I thought you were a veggie. I am. I just eat burgers.

Oh, yeah, right.

Lily's just so deep, you know?

Like, intellectual -like.

Yeah. You know what I said's true, don't you?

Ben does actually fancy you.

He tried to talk to me at your party, but that's it.

He barely even looked at me.

I'm always smiling at her.

She brushed up against me in the canteen.

And he was like, Heath, you know?

Yeah. Oh, so clueless, though.

Bless him.

He's all right.

And there was, like, this crab, and then it, like, it bit me.

I just don't think you can call yourself a man until you really love the woman.

Lil Al?

Yeah?

I think I love her.

Just hit me with it.

Well, simply put, your outgoings are greater than your incomings.

That's the jargon. Speak English.

Just tell me how we fix it.

Well, one option might be to extend your opening hours. The more people you

serve, the more money you take.

Bloody hell, you're a genius, man.

You can start with a couple of nights a week, maybe a Friday and a Saturday.

You are blowing my mind, you are.

And I'd like you to blow it more.

But I've got a lock -up.

and get to the football.

Is that Stella's football?

Yeah, slowly training, like I thought I'd pop along.

Fancy it?

No, she won't want to see me.

Now, that's enough.

A woman likes a man who takes the bull by the horns.

You've got to persist.

Wear her down.

Keep chasing her till you get on her nerves so badly that she just gives in.

Really? Yeah, really.

Now, come with me.

And give her an orange.

Now, that is a tasty bit of toast.

I'd butter that on both sides and put jam on it.

And the ball, ladies.

My ball!

I can't wait!

My ball! My ball! My ball!

Hey,

ref! Did you see that?

She bastard -acked me! She didn't touch you.

You'd better sleep her one eye open, Wong.

Take a photo.

It will last longer.

Carry on, I'll be back in a minute.

This is a nice surprise.

Well, what does your bit of support like?

I'm glad you popped down, actually. I wanted to chat to you about something.

There you are.

For half -time. I know it's only trading a bit still.

That's really sweet.

Hold the line, caller.

Eh?

Look at the back.

When did you get these made?

I got the whole team done.

Auntie Brenda, your sponsor, stumped up the cash.

What do you think?

They're amazing.

Thank you.

So, what do you want to say to me?

Oh!

It was Benny Wong, for God's sake!

No means no, Auntie Brenda. Yes, I got deep pockets. Heaven knows I got deep

pockets. But not for this.

You're nothing without me.

Really?

Is that so?

Well, let's see about that, because I'm taking me and my deep pockets to George

the Butcher. If you say deep pockets one more time, I'm going to knock you out.

Me and my deep pockets are out of here.

I don't need your help, you little Jew, do I?

Come on, Auntie Brenda.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Learned your lesson yet?

Yeah. No, we don't need nothing off you.

Hey, Luke.

Can you come and get us in Mum's car?

What?

No, I'm coming. I'll be there now.

What's happened?

It's Mertley Brenda.

She had a heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Come on, get him. We'll drive you there.

What hospital is she at? St Catherine's, you're right. I don't know.

What happened?

It'll be okay.

My Auntie Brenda, she collapsed in the park. I think she had a heart attack.

BP is through the floor.

I'll go with her. Wait here.

I just feel like it's my fault.

It's no one's fault, man.

What if this is all we go after, then?

Probably not up to much, but... Thanks.

What's happened?

You OK?

There was an accident at football.

Stella's auntie.

Yeah, where would she... Alan Williams.

Dan Braxton. Nice to meet you, mate.

Braxton.

Weird. I see this, sir.

Oh, we were married for 20 years. Oh, right.

Alan, this is... This is Dan.

Eh?

You all right?

She's going to be fine.

As well as can be expected.

Thank God for that.

But she needs a lot of rest.

Thank you, Doctor.

Don't thank me.

It was Stella who saved her life.

Can we see her?

She's just come round, so she's a little confused.

But that should wear off fairly quickly.

This way.

Has she gone tough?

Auntie Brenda, you didn't ask her, eh?

Come closer, so I can see you.

There was a bright light, blinding, and there was a figure there,

beckoning me in.

Bobby Dathroyd was.

Bobby Daffrell.

Carly, is that you?

Yes.

Aunty Bren, what are you doing to me?

We brought you something.

Grapes.

Where's the money?

Absolutely no medicinal merit in a grape.

But enjoy all the same.

Aunty Brenda, I'm so sorry.

Try them eyes, good boy.

Only God can judge you.

Take it from me, I've met him.

And the palm of the stash he's got.

Right. Everyone else, Auntie Brenda needs some secret.

I love you.

I'll be back when you wake up, OK?

Yeah.

Get some rest now, is there?

All right, Auntie Brenda?

All right, Di Davis?

Look, whatever you need for this counsellor thing, you only have to ask,

right?

Anything.

However I can help, I will.

Are you grumpy, little squirrel? You've got cheese puffed out all over your

hands.

I'm a nervous eater, you know that, Auntie Brenda?

Go on, clear off now.

I meant to be sleeping on yakking with you.

No start, I did it back.

No start, Carrie -Anne.

I'll be in the car.

How is she?

Batty is a brush, but she'll be fine.

I know. She just updated her Facebook status.

You were incredible earlier on.

I wanted to tell you that. And I need to apologise about the money.

I just thought if I sold the bike... You could use the money. It's not like, but

you loved it.

My girl.

Okay.

Midlife crisis is over now.

Although I've still got a hankering for tattoos.

Right, well, better get Ben home.

So long.

Yeah.

So long.

You had to put it all in respective, didn't you?

You are so bloody spiritual, Dean.

I know.

Hey. It's Emil.

All OK now?

Yeah, she's going to be OK.

I'm sorry if I caused any trouble earlier.

I just assumed Alan would know about me.

He doesn't know. He didn't cause any trouble.

Dan. Please don't.

Look, take my number.

There's no arm in a coffee, is there?

I called my mam.

Kids have been good as gold.

I'll go grab us a table.

Two -hour lagers, please.

All right.

With the missus, is it?

Yeah.

Hell of a night we've had.

I've been meaning to say about that money.

Whenever you're ready.

Cheers, bud.

It's a moving house and it's skinted me out enough.

If you need another little lend.

All you've got to do is ask.

Serious? That'll be a lifesaver.

Aye, no worries.

200, do you?

That'll be immense.

It's only if you're sure, though.

And you're a mate, so I'll keep the interest low.

Here, Lee.

Have you come alone?

I'm no armature.

So we have an agreement.

You drop out of the election.

I'm a man of my word, I tell you this.

And this stays between me and you.

I've got some lovely lampshanks left over for you to eat if you fancy them.

Bobby? Right, don't you cross.

What's going on?

Ta -da!

Bloody hell.

Immense. Who's done that?

Well, me.

Beth Brickley. This had a triarchy, it was, in my day.

Like riding a bike.

You never lose it.

And I've had a good go at your room and all, young man.

Oh, what?

I just thought, you know, you'd appreciate some privacy back.

You're cross.

You're crossing in. No, I'm not cross.

Probably for the best, isn't it?

I think so.

Ma 'am, you've been in my room and set about all these smelly twigs.

Just stick to call, babe, and I've done you a favour, cos that pit...

Stank to hide you over.

And don't get me started on that duvet. Like a sheet of metal it was. Oh, shut

up!

We've got a cocktail bar.

And the place is bottler.

Well, you know me.

It's clean and felt of the feline.

Now then, we're having a girly night in tonight.

I've got beaches and terms of endearment on DVD.

Right. Ooh!

And...

I got you one of these.

I call it the Judy Garland, because it'll pick you up and run you down the

yellow brick road.

Thank you.

Thank you.

now

I'd love to have dinner with you.

I'll meet you there after my shift.

Hi.

Hazel, is it? You must be Luke.

Oh, my God, are you a real prostitute?

Right, I'm calling, Celia. There's no point she's with Dan.

Doing what?

Running off together, for all I know.

Well, come on, then.

Give me your best shot. Oh, for goodness sake. Don't say I didn't offer.

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