Original subtitles

She smiles.

I stretch my hands out to the sky and we dance like monsters through the night.

and toilet.

No garden, but there's a balcony.

What's a balcony?

A shite balcony.

Yeah.

The rest of it looks nice, though.

Yeah, they wanted two months to pause it.

Oh, bollocks.

We'll have to be patient, that's all. Save up a bit.

Where are two of the bowls?

Ask Michael. He's been decluttering.

Who's breakfast?

I literally have no idea.

Luke, will you take us driving later?

Not today, but I go work.

I'll never pass at this rate.

Well, you know what you want to do, Ben?

Go on one of them courses where you pass your test in a week?

No. Go up Ponteberry College and register for sixth form.

To be continued.

Oh!

All right, rain man.

I thought you'd already gone. I'm trying to, but first I want my breakfast,

which, by the way, is the most important meal of the day. Is that your medical

opinion? But I can't have my breakfast because someone has moved the spoons.

Just trying to bring some order to your chaos.

My chaos?

How is your office?

It's OK.

I don't like to moan, unlike some people.

Hey, play nicely. It's my first day.

Of your second year.

Well, I'm still allowed to be nervous.

Come on, what's the worst that can happen? You...

Accidentally kill a patient, there's a trial, it's all over the papers, and

people start yelling murder at you in the street.

The booms, Michael.

Kitchen cupboard, bottom left.

Thank you.

So, you're smart, you're hard -working, and you're great with people. You'll be

fine.

But if you do get sacked, make sure you keep the uniform.

There she is, getting into her car, as bold as a builder.

Morning, Aunty Brenda.

Oh, there'll be no morning, Aunty Brenda. Not till you've explained the

of that.

Michael have found a buyer for his house.

I can read, good girl. I want details.

Oh, I'm late as it is. I've got no time for that.

Fine.

He got an offer last week. It was less than what he wanted, but the buyer said

he could move quick, so Michael have accepted, and they are exchanging and

completing on Friday. Happy now?

Not remotely.

I haven't met him yet. Neither have I. Does it matter?

It could be anyone.

Swingers, doggers, Nazi war criminals.

What would that do to house prices?

I've got to go. I'll see you later.

Well, I'm willing to overlook you a slapdash approach to the property market

you'll do me a favour and put these up round the hospital.

Room to let, non -smoker, no vegans or fancy type.

Are you getting a lodger?

When times are hard, you've got to diversify.

Deborah Meaden told me that.

Le Café de Les Allens. It's definitely distinctive.

Exactly. No one's ever called a café.

I looked it up on Google.

Aye.

This is a new start, love.

Another chapter in the book called Things Done by Alan and Little Alan.

That's not a real book, mind. It's just been poetic.

Eh? Big day for you too?

Yeah.

Listen, look.

Hey, Stella.

You coming tomorrow night? Big opening?

Wouldn't let it for the world, Trash.

I'd dry cleaned my posh frocks.

Right, ready now, Frasca?

Ready as I'll ever be.

All right, isn't it, Dad?

Yes, sir.

Shall I say a little, Al?

As one door closes, another one opens.

Do you want me to open it again? No, the moment's gone.

Edith, this is what you know about nursing.

You might think you know this, but you don't.

You know this.

Now, this year's going to be tough.

You're going to be on your own a lot more without me there to hold your hands

and wipe your bums.

Some of you will not cope.

Others, we'll have to wait and see.

Celia, is there?

Yes.

Celia's returning back into nursing after, ooh, how long is it now? Oh, I

few years. Speak up. I did a few years of training, but I had to stop in 2009.

Going to help me whip this lot into shape, you?

I'm sure you don't need any help. Of course I don't need no help!

2009 is in the dark ages.

Nursing's moved on so much since then, you probably know less than they do.

That said, welcome back.

Right.

Follow me.

These are your placements for the next term, so listen up, because I will say

this only once.

And remember, just because they're old, don't mean they're nice.

Do you remember that?

General Ward, with me.

Right, before we start...

I just want to say this is very much a temporary situation.

I'll be able to move into a proper office when my house is sold.

To the swingers?

What? Aunty Brenda said you're selling your place to a pair of swingers.

No. No much.

It was doggers.

Doggers. Sorry.

Firstly, they're neither.

Secondly, if I can just finish off what I was saying, I know the room seems a

bit pokey, but I have 20 years' experience, and I can assure you that

still get a top -quality legal permit.

So, how can I help you?

We'd like to make our last will and testament.

Ben! Sorry about that.

All right, so who would be the main beneficiary of your... Stop for a

Who would be the main beneficiary of your will?

Our little boy.

Right. You've got Mr. Kidney failure and you've got Mr. Diabetes and Anemia.

Now, get to it.

Morris, right then.

See him there?

That is God almighty, Mr. Honey.

He rules this ward.

with a rod of iron held with a fist of surgical steel.

You never, ever address him directly.

You speak to me and me alone.

Then I'll speak to him and you'll be asked.

Compliment?

Hmm.

Er, Mr Chesney, is that how you say it?

Chesney.

Chesney.

I need to take a blood test after that. But I'm not... I don't

want to... Don't worry.

I'll be quick.

Hopefully.

And who do we have here?

Stella Morris.

The patient?

Apologies, Mr. Honey, this is... Mr.

Jersey, presented with symptoms of fainting and nausea.

So you're doing an FBC and blood glucose, yes?

Yes, that is correct.

Have you got a squint or something?

No, I was addressing, sister.

Well, go on then. Hurry up.

I'm not a... Don't. It won't hurt. I promise.

I'm not a patient.

I visit my brother.

The grand opening is tomorrow night at 7 .30.

Tomorrow night, 7 .30.

Now, the food is free, but the bar is paid. So to... Food... Free...

Bar... Is... P... A...

I... Yeah, do you have to write everything down?

Oh, I'm a little bit of a detailer.

Called it then, like Sherlock Holmes, but without the hat.

Look at this blender, Dad.

Titanium coated.

Top of the range. Only 600 quid.

What is that?

The burglar alarm, look. Security is paramount.

I laid down on my coats.

Come off it, man. This is pot to bury. Who's going to break in?

If you rob anyone in Abu Dhabi, Carl said they'd take no prisoners.

Literally. Cut your hand off.

Or maybe... Either way, they don't re -offend.

How much you spend?

Really? Two grand?

Sorry, this is all going to have to go back.

Hey, pick that up. That means you as well. But you, down, down. Out, out.

Dad, I need these things.

You should go to the covered market in Nice.

They've got everything there. They're cheap. I am not kitting out my kitchen

from an epoxy cupboard market in Neath.

Gordon Ramsay doesn't go to Neath.

He's a chef.

Temperamental, like.

Whereabouts in Neath?

Di Davis, it's 9 .30. Where are you?

Shaming it is.

Shaming. What is?

Here I am taking in lodgers to make hens meet.

And Di Davies can't be bothered to turn up to work or to clean up after himself.

Who does he think he is? Bono?

Have you seen him today?

Bono? You are not so old I can't put you across my knee, Luke Morgan.

Di Davies, of course.

The work shy little squirrel.

No, I haven't seen him.

All right, Nurse Dracula?

Oh, God.

That's not what people are calling me, is it?

No, just me.

Well, I can't be the first person to take blood from the wrong patient.

You must have heard of someone doing it before.

Yeah, if you like.

See you at this, will I, ladies?

Self -defence and taekwondo?

Nurses have always had to be handy with their fists.

Florence Nightingale boxed for Oxford.

Is it part of the course?

Earth's call in 2009?

No. You're officially part of the course.

If you don't want to come, that's up to you.

But up here, I make a note of everyone who turns up.

And everyone who can't be bothered.

All I'm saying is if we did a rota, then you and Luke and Mum could take it in

turns to take me driving. Can we talk about this later? I may have a pass at

this, do we? No, I've got clients to see.

Of course you're bastard angry. I dropped your cock in Monster Munch, you

Bloody kids, eh?

Can you fit me in? I want to talk about my niece's seat to be shafted by a boss.

Michael, quick question. Is it illegal to pretend to be a dentist?

Why would you ask that?

No reason.

But if it is, I might be in a whole world of shite.

Do either of you have an appointment?

I tried talking to you, but my phone wasn't... That's what it's like.

Can you just go into the car and I... Quiet!

Thank you.

I am trying to run a professional business here.

I've friendly documents round, birth certificates in checks of details,

the lot.

Resorting to physical force should only ever be resorted to as a last resort.

If you carry yourself in the right way, then an act of aggression like this

would be completely unnecessary.

The best way to avoid physical violence is to be aware of your surroundings and

be prepared to react in a heartbeat.

Take Mrs Wong by ear.

She do have the reaction speed of a mandarin cat.

So she's always ready for anything in her life to throw at her.

Hey! All right, calm down now, love.

Panic over.

I got everything we need and at half the price.

Where from?

Is that really important?

And does it matter where or when or how?

You've been to Neath Oven, have you? I have.

But don't worry, this is all quality stuff. I got you this whisk.

Thingy that's left -handed? I'm right -handed.

I got your pots and pans and your scales and, hey, look, I got this gizmo for

me. Dad, you don't smoke.

I know, but, you know, it goes with the French thing, doesn't it?

I'm not going to puff on it, I'm just going to hold it.

Sophisticated, like, eh?

Eh?

All right, love?

Just checking, you and little Alan haven't killed each other yet.

Oh, we're getting on great guns.

We're the 80s, aren't we, son?

So, how's your nurse, Brackie?

Oh, fine, I think.

Just survived an encounter with Bruce Lee.

You what?

Oh, nothing.

I'll tell you later.

Just as long as you're OK.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couldn't be better.

Dad? Yeah, got to go.

Gordon Ramsay needs me. Bye -bye.

Where's the herbs?

Right here, man.

You know, I got your sage and sorrel.

Whatever that is.

A rose of pepper and, look, a big bag of salt.

I tell you, it's like Aladdin's cave in that market. I've even got us a burglar

arm, eh?

That's a blender, eh?

What are these symbols on the side?

Ah, now, us Chinese, that is. They make everything these days.

But don't worry, I've gone through the manual.

This squiggly line that looks like a hat stand, that's your on button.

And the one that looks like an angueter, that's your off.

Which is which?

Angueter?

That's that.

Go on, I'll get it working now.

Go on, then.

Test us.

The theory questions for the driving test.

Jensen Button over here thinks she knows more than I do.

I don't think I know.

Put that away, Luke, and serve him up. Ben, will you give Michael a shout?

Michael!

That's not quite what I meant.

Five messages I've left for that side, David, and he's still not replied.

Disappeared off the face of the earth, he has, like sugar in a Pringle sweater.

Oh, this is nice, isn't it? It's proper family dinner like the old days.

Ben, we're eating.

Mum, can I have dinner in my bedroom with my laptop?

No. Hey, don't leave him alone with the internet. He'll go blind.

He won't be able to read the number plates then.

Oh, man, tell him.

Oh, are we going up on a little belly boy, are we? Oh, get off.

Dinner's on the table.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be down now in a minute.

Do you want me to bring you a plate, sir? Do you mind?

God, I love you.

Oh! Bloody room.

Not long now.

As soon as you've found that door, you can get a big flash office and a taxi

secretary. I don't know how a flash office I can get. I won't be much on the

health. And you know what they say, small acorns grow from...

Fields of all sorts, I think.

You're just so wise.

I know it's not ideal at the moment, Prash, all of us under one roof, but I

quite like it.

It's like when the kids were little.

It's cosy.

Well, that's one word for it.

I'm fine.

Anyway, I'd better get back to it.

I gave it. It's me again.

I'm loving you.

Isn't the right thing to do?

How can I win? Oh, take it from me.

Are you sure about this? Of course I am.

You need more room in there, right? We have files and you need to walk, no?

He definitely knows what he's doing.

Almost certainly.

Right, I've got to run. I'll get you into the hospital and I'll meet you at

party.

Alan's Cafe, the big opening.

Try and have a little shave before tonight, is it?

Is everything all right in there?

Evil wars are like cow filly.

The cheese, not the tongue.

I'm going to need a bigger drill.

Can I use the room in the meantime? We need to get on.

You remind me of myself, Mike.

A man of action.

You know, I was once lost in the jungles of Cambodia.

It's going to be a long story.

Medium to long. Any chance I could wait?

Message received and understood.

Oh, great.

Come on.

Which one of these should we prepare?

Swan or the chevron?

Impossible on Tuesday.

We're both stunning.

Aren't they, Art?

No. I'll ask Lil' Alan.

Lil' Alan!

but it should do my head in.

It's working, isn't it, all this stuff?

Actually, it's pretty good.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm sorry.

What

do

you think?

One or two?

Unhealthy or really unhealthy.

I'll sod it.

Oh, come on.

Aren't you a bit too old to be stealing sweets?

It's all stuck, it has.

I can just reach up there.

Oh, flipping heck, I've got cramp.

Relax your arm.

I said relax.

Oh, God.

No.

Pull.

Ah, you bastard.

Sorry, not you. Mr Henny, the machine.

I would never call you a bastard, despite what some people know.

that anyone called you bastard.

Well, not to your face, anyway.

Oh.

Now I've upset you.

No.

I'm being paged.

You probably think I'm a total donut.

Cheers, Michael.

You're a star.

Keep your eyes on the road, okay?

Should I go across the roundabout?

Round it, preferably, but yes, keep going as far as you like.

Nice one.

On your break?

Yeah.

So I spent most of it on my knees in front of Mr Honey.

Ooh, going for a promotion?

No.

My bloody vending machine had broken again. I'm starving.

Well, at least you'll be hungry tonight.

Are they all getting on up there?

I'm not sure.

You know what Alan's like when he's under pressure, especially if they leave

to it.

Yeah. My children see him. He's one big ball of stress at the moment.

Finding it a bit cozier, us all living together.

That's not for long, is it?

Thing is, I don't have a problem with it.

Won't be long before they all move out and the house will be full of empty

rooms.

Oh, God, am I being depressing?

Very.

Come on, I know what you need.

It's all a question of... ..coming.

You're a genius.

I know.

You'd be too late to do that, then. Misspent youth. Not much help for doing

-a -mouth.

What else do you fancy?

I don't know.

Stealing, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Bag of ravels?

So, when everyone's here, we'll turn the house lights down and then I'll do that

thing with a glass to get their attention.

Then I'll say, hello, good evening, and welcome.

Just a little joke to warm him up.

And then I'll do my speech.

Dad, I've got food to cook.

When Carl didn't make speeches, he always made them rhymes.

No matter what the occasion.

And my nan at home really even found a rhyme for chronic cystitis.

Gifted he is.

Oh, my God!

It's not happening.

Oh!

Stella Morris, you were acquired back on duty 93 seconds ago.

Sorry, I got a bit, um, caught up.

I won't have you taking advantage of my good nature just because we'll be living

on the same street.

Sorry, I'm not following you.

Your auntie Brenda needs a lodger.

I'm moving in with her.

I'm going to have to be twice as hard on you from now on, just to show I'm not

biased. It's only fair to the others.

Hey, hey, hey!

I ain't being poked around no more, right?

If you could lie back down.

I ain't lying, I ain't sitting, I'm nothing else. I'm going home. What have

here? You won't stay in bed.

Big up. You won't stay in bed.

Sir, I must ask you to return to your bed calmly, quietly and immediately.

Piss off.

Very well.

But I must warn you, I'm trained in seven different martial arts.

including bok foo, kung foo and... I'm not reacting.

Let go of her right now.

Make me.

I'm keeping calm.

Dewey Phillips, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?

Who's asking?

Stella Morris, that's who.

All right, Mrs M? Never mind that, good boy. I think you want to be apologised

then. Sorry.

And what are we going to do now?

Thanks.

Is he a friend of yours?

No. I used to babysit him. Soft as butter, really.

You ain't going to tell my mum, are you?

Well, that depends on you, doesn't it?

Thank you, nurse.

Morris.

Stella.

Stella's my first name, obviously.

Morris. That would make me a bloke.

Wouldn't it?

Why can't we do an emergency stop? In a minute.

All I've been doing is driving up and down.

Do you mind moving the car for me a second?

Will you go easy on the gears?

I am.

Sorry, mate.

Assistant. Assistant?

Yes, I'm having a few issues with the photocopier. But I can assure you that I

will be just... What the hell are you doing?

Have you seen this man?

Maybe you was cooking with the wrong temperature.

No, it's the ingredients.

It's got to be.

This is quality stuff. I mean, look at the, what do you call them?

Sorrel. And this salt.

50 % off.

Bargain.

Bar salt.

I've been cooking with bar salt.

Maybe we could say he was deliberate.

Fancy food like thingy.

That's from Bloomingdale. He doesn't cook with bar salt.

He did goat nostrils once.

Just as disgusting, if you ask me.

I'll just have to start again and buy new ingredients.

We can't, sir.

We're totally broke.

What? Look at all this stuff I bought.

Take the bloke in the market, give it me for nothing.

Well, you're going to have to get food from somewhere.

Wait.

I may have a brilliant idea.

No, it's gone. I got...

I know what we can do.

We've had a nightmare at the cafe.

And the thing is, we're supposed to open in like five minutes. And there's been

a problem with Blue Bubble.

Don't know what. And the thing is, we really need some food.

Edible glitter.

Tinned figs.

From a proper, genuine Arab I knew in Derby.

Roadkill. I washed the grit off.

Mostly.

Carrot and sauce.

Two of your five a day.

Do you ever go and try to do it again? Is that right?

Why do you have to shout like that? There has been lorry.

Bloody thing.

Yanto! Not long now, Bert.

Just a few more holes.

Hello?

Hello?

Sorry, sorry, I can't hear.

What? Why?

Oh, that's brilliant.

That's just brilliant.

Yeah, it's awesome being sarcastic. What did you expect?

Look, I'll call you back later.

What's happening?

Well, this date hasn't. The buyers have pulled out.

The survey found dry rot in the walls and it's going to cost a fortune to fix.

Which means they can't sell the house until we do, but they can't afford to

it fixed because they don't have any money, which is why it's selling the

in the first place.

Yes, I'm aware I'm ranting, Zoe, and I'm sorry.

Yento!

Yento!

Told you them walls were shite.

Fresh garlic bread.

The food's free, but they pay for the drink, all right?

You do know it says free food and drink on the poster?

No, it says free food, full stop, and drink. It's very clear.

So where to is the food, then?

It's coming.

It's coming.

Excuse me. On its way.

Alan.

Alan, you're going to have to calm down or you'll start scratching. You know

what you're doing.

What the hell's he doing in there?

Calm, Mr. Genius.

I can't keep them waiting much longer.

Don't think about the very folk when they're hungry. They can get very ugly.

You pacing up and down isn't going to make it go any quicker.

Take this water to table ten.

All right.

How's he doing?

Not good?

Have you started the scratching?

Not yet, but if he's going that way... We are late, mind.

Talking witch, where to is Michael?

He should be here by now.

Yanto, is Michael at home?

And he's not picking up the phone.

My lips are sealed with wax like a mini baby bear.

I've left message after message telling him to call me, but still not to pick.

It'll be two days now.

Cheeky cotton bastard.

I mean, how much longer do I have to wait?

Do my best, all right?

I'm sorry, little lad, but they told me to get the mouth out, yeah? I heard one

woman mention a stampede. Hold on.

Daddy? I don't know. I just don't know.

Braised rabbit casserole in a rich fig gravy, caramelised carrot puree and...

straw garnish.

Hello.

Hello.

Ladies and gents.

Sorry for the delay, as you know.

We've had a little bit of trouble today, but...

Sorry, can I just have a bit of hash, please?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh!

I think the thieves have gone.

OK, hang on.

There we go.

Right, well, first of all, I just want to say a big thank you for coming.

It's lovely to see so many faces here.

And, um... I'm just really bloody proud to be honest with you.

Of, uh... You know.

But before you tuck into the food, courtesy of the cafe

de Les Allens, I'd like to say a few words.

Firstly... Sorry about that.

A new alarm.

Probably just resetting itself.

Chinese.

Very high end.

Now, where was I?

Yes, I'd like to say a big thank you to everybody who donated food this evening.

We couldn't have done it without you. And secondly, I'd like to say a thank

to my lovely... It's the motion.

Very sensitive.

Top of the range.

Chinese!

People, just stand still, please. I'm sure we'll go quiet and stop.

Welcome one and all to what I'm sure will be a great evening at the Café de

Allens. Eat, drink and be merry, but most of all drink. That'll really help

profits. So, cheers.

Cheers!

Right, let's stop!

There we are!

Down completely still!

Thank you.

Now, please, nobody move while we reset the alarm.

Stay still.

Who wants

champagne?

It's free.

Seen something similar in Nam.

Nam? Chippin' Nam.

The recourse on disabling alarms and security systems.

Okay.

Slowly.

Slowly.

Come to daddy.

Sorted.

Yeah,

that can't happen sometimes.

Auntie Brenda.

How's it hanging?

You tell me, good boy.

Not to hide her hair from you for days, and then you waltz in like Lord Lucan

with new teeth and a crate of champagne.

I can explain. I'm bad enough in the current financial climate, what with

tightening and...

facts on the internet. You owe me an apology, David, and no mistake.

I'm sorry. Oh, it's way too late to say sorry.

Now, stop your watercolour. Tell me where you've been.

I've been collecting my winnings.

Winnings? What winnings?

My premium bonds came in.

I won a million quid.

Yes,

and so say all of us.

Cheers. Thank you.

And can I assure you that winning this money won't change me at all?

Lend us 50 quid, then.

No.

The good Lord is looking down on Pomp de Berry today.

This money is exact.

Exactly what we've always needed, a major investment of capital.

Yes, this will really change things for me.

New buses, new signs, an advertising campaign.

Do you think what we can do?

I'm planning to do quite a lot, yes.

This is a game -changer for us. For me, yes.

Congratulations, Bud. Thank you. Thank you.

Where have you been?

It's a secret. I kind of need to show you rather than tell you. Why are you so

filthy?

Seriously, Michael, what have you been doing? I thought you were going to be

here. Come home with me and I'll explain everything.

Come on, you are going to love this.

Just be patient, will you?

One.

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

OK, just hear me out. What have you done?

The house fell through today. Yeah, I can see that.

No, I mean, the buyer pulled out. Turns out we've got dry rot in the walls and

it's going to cost a packet to fix. Michael! I know, nightmare, right? Or is

in fact the best thing that could have happened?

I mean, we've all been on top of each other recently.

And this is so obvious, it's brilliant. I thought, why not make use of the space

we already have?

So you did this on purpose?

Well, you said it was nice that we're all under one roof, so it's your idea,

really.

Luke, Zoe and the kids can live at mine. I can have their room as an office.

Obviously, this whole needs cleaning up, but Yanto's back in the morning, and

once it's done, it solves everything.

Are you having a nervous breakdown?

Plus, we can put the rent from Luke and Zoe towards sourcing out the dry rot.

What rent?

I'm not a charity, Stel.

And once it's all done and we're back on our feet, I'm going to look to sell

again. How can you sell this house with a creepy bloody hole in the wall?

It's temporary.

Mind out.

She's taking it better than I thought, but... You don't think this is a good

idea, do you?

It's better for Sophie and Jack.

Let's face it, we were getting under each other's feet.

Were we?

And I'm going to be paying rent. I'm not freeloading, I mean it.

See?

How did we do, Dad?

Not too bad, little Al, not too bad.

First night's always tricky.

That's what they say.

Yeah.

We might have to be a bit more frugal from now on. Tighten belts, pull up

that sort of thing.

The food was fantastic, little Al.

Everyone said so.

Did we actually make any money?

Yes and no.

Mainly no.

But we're a great team, though, eh?

This place isn't until the time I storm.

You really think so?

Do you?

Definitely.

Everything all right?

Perfect.

There you go.

How's it looking next door?

OK, I admit you weren't a complete idiot with the wall.

You're too kind.

And we are still all living under one roof, technically.

Which is warming to it.

And I know it's going to make it easier for you.

So... What I'm saying is I can live with it for a while, like.

Well, thank you.

I won't go on. You're probably charging me for your time.

By the way, you're going to have to look sexy covered in dust.

Hey, good boy.

Much harassment, that is.

Maybe you should call a lawyer.

I will.

I'm going to call the best lawyer in the West.

I will.

Like I said, I don't want to get no one in trouble. Maybe I shouldn't have come

here. This sounds very much like sexual harassment.

Hey, Mr. Lawyer.

Beyonce.

This is your final warning?

We've got so much in common.

Where have you been?

Sorry, I've lost track of time. I should have called.

Yeah, you should.

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