Original subtitles

Let every

heart prepare him

room and have my nature sing, have my nature sing, and have fun

and have my nature sing.

I see them at number 58 are finally deigned to put a tree up. I know, it's

enormous. Here it gets.

Massive red. That as may be. But waiting till mid -December to buy one is

shaming. Hey, what's with the Marigolds, kid? I thought they weren't arriving

till Tuesday. I know, but I want to get it all nice.

And Michael Hoover have stopped sucking.

And I've got nothing to suck.

You've seen inside his place, man.

take the furniture, all minimalist and what you call.

Minimalist man.

You know his parents are coming for two whole weeks.

They'll be bored with less.

I love

it when you

talk Arabic. It really does it for me, that.

Hi,

Dad.

I know.

Yeah, of course you'll have your own room and Katie will be here.

Katie will be here.

No, not all the time, but some of the time.

Yeah.

OK.

Well, we'll see you in a few days. And tell them on Ponterbury is just like

Wolverhampton. OK, see you here. Bye.

Look what I've got.

Can you believe it's our first Christmas together?

I know.

Now, are you going to wrap yourself up in something sexy so I can unwrap you?

Depends.

Have you been a good boy?

Absolutely not.

It's Jan.

I've been texting all afternoon.

Jan?

What?

I'm not at your beck and call, you know. I do have other things to do besides

answer every... What?

No, Jan, you can't do that.

Oh, please don't do this.

To give a big shout -out to all the local pantofans. Do you know your Snow

from your...

Oh, give it a rest, man, will you? My paper's going squish.

With me now is Chung Lee, Managing Director of Manchutan Electronics, based

in the Cynon Valley.

Mr Lee, your company... Manchutan Electronics.

We're the best. Tory scum! Aye! Your company is looking for a Valleys

to put on a pantomime between now and Christmas Eve. Is that right?

We're the best.

Yeah, OK, but is it true you'll donate... £5 ,000 to charity for the

pantouf. Oh, yes, we will.

OK, so if anyone is interested in taking part, how do they find out more?

It's behind you. Oh, come on, you've just been silly now.

No, seriously, the number is behind you.

Oh, God, right, sorry.

And that number again, in case you missed it, is 01632

244 188.

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.

Why can't we go skiing for Christmas? In your dreams, Benny boy. And don't go

saying anything to Michael about it, because he's really upset.

What's Katie say?

Well, she's stuck in the middle as usual, isn't she? She was really looking

forward to Christmas with her dad, bless her.

She hardly could say no to the French Alps, did she?

No matter how much she loves him. It'd be funny if she broke her other leg.

Ten? No, it wouldn't.

God, she'd get all that down in seconds.

I swear, Jack never had an appetite like Sophie.

Takes that to look, that's right. He was always like a ganner.

Can you change there, then?

Can babies eat selection boxes?

No. Wicked.

Can I have those, then? No.

You can deliver these for me now in a minute.

Oh, giving out Christmas cards is so lame. Just send a text.

All right.

Hiya. Hiya.

How did it go today, Prash?

All right, I suppose.

So far, slow, though, ma 'am.

Yeah, well, it's bound to be.

Ask anyone who sets a business on their own.

Not exactly a business, though, is it? Going round old ladies' houses, washing

their hair in permanent.

Baba Boy didn't even want washing when I went there.

Just told me to give her a good brush.

Has she made me take the bins out?

I'm more of a carer than a hairdresser.

Oh, love.

30 quid I made today.

Shame in.

Oh, who've opened his advent calendar?

Not me.

Sorry it was Jack.

He got a bit overexcited, he did.

Oh, great.

He did the same thing last week and all. Can't you stop him, Zoe?

I said sorry.

Yeah, well, abs don't understand sorry, do we?

Come on, Brash.

Look who it is.

Back from cocking a rocker, you call?

Abu Dhabi.

Aye. Back I am.

Right, well, I'll be after you now as soon as I get that bastard missile to

my hand.

What?

Eat your cock and face as soon as I look at you, bud.

Best bastard thing about Christmas, that is.

The bastard cock and snogging.

But the very next day, you gave it away. Hey, this is my TV.

Oh, God,

I missed you. Can you come back? Oh, it's all right.

I missed you, I mean.

Oh, come here.

Oh, hang on.

Put your hands down a minute, babe.

And your nose.

You can be my little Rudolph.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

You look a bit of a dick.

I know.

You should have rung, really, Ben.

Your father and me were just practising... Karate.

I bought her a Christmas card.

And a man told me to tell her he invited Christmas Day. For lunch, like.

Oh, nice one.

We'd like that, wouldn't we, Dean?

All the family together, like.

Don't be disgusting.

She said, you may as well come, cos you've got a house full already.

And anyway, Nadine eats like a sparrow.

Yes. Well, it wouldn't hurt your mother to take a leak out of my book now and

again. Especially this time of year.

I've never seen no one trot a mince pie dance as fast as your mother.

Oh,

God.

Little island man, stop clanking a minute. I am creaming the log.

My piping's going to do it.

I know that.

Christmas must be difficult for your legs.

Because of Liam.

When you see families all together, just getting on with it.

Yeah, well, me and little Alan are your family now. And I'm going to make this

the best Christmas ever.

We'll have puddings and turkeys and chocolates and stuffings bursting out of

ears. And I'm going to buy you and little Al so many presents. Alan, don't

wasting all your inheritance, sweetheart.

I want to spoil you.

You know what you could do for me?

Name it.

Come with me to church.

Light a candle for Liam.

Of course.

I'd love to do that.

What do you think?

Oh, morning, Brent.

Joseph, Mary, Donkey.

Oh, do they want to be shepherds?

Only two pound a pot?

Not a cocking chance, Marge. But what I was going to say was if you were looking

for a real baby instead of the cocking doll, this will do it for a tenner.

Hey,

I wonder what your parents will make of Marge and Glenn.

Have you seen my car keys?

Oh, in the football.

Michael, what's Arabic for happy Christmas?

Milad Majid.

Milad Majid.

Oh, the recipe for Baba Ghanoush.

So, this Syrian Christmas thing, a bit over the top, isn't it?

Oh, don't be such a mardy -eye.

I'm doing it for your mam.

She's lived in the Midlands since the 60s. I mean, she's even got a Brummie

accent of sorts.

Milad Majid, Mrs Jackson.

He just said, happy Christmas, Mrs Jackson. May the year ahead be full of

birds. Yeah, well, work in progress, like.

Right.

See you tonight, my little banaganoush.

It's banaganoush.

Oh.

Okay.

Listen up, people.

It is the season to be jolly.

Or is it?

Christmas.

The most busiest this time of the year. Why?

Because most patients coming in, Twainie, are ten sheets in the wind.

Now, Mrs Wong and I have agreed to be drunk, and I'm going to demonstrate how

deal with her in a calm and confident manner.

Right.

Start inebriating.

I wish it was Christmas every day. Okay, she's staggered in. I've noticed. I'm

over. I'm staring her in the face. I'm asking her the following questions in a

clear and comprehensible manner.

Number one, have you been drinking?

Number two, have you wet yourself?

Number three... All right, ask your minute now, love.

Number three, what's the capital of Sweden?

If she is unable to answer my questions adequately and to my satisfaction, I

methodically and carefully...

force her to her knees and into the recovery position like so.

Now, who fancies giving it a go?

Stella.

Yeah, OK, but I don't really see the point because I'm starting on the

children's ward today.

Do what I do, Stella, Morrie.

Know what I do.

Stella, I need a word sharpish.

I'm in the middle of a class.

Well, this is more important.

Auntie Brenda is not permitted in hospital outside of

visiting hours.

Yellow card, Auntie Brenda. Yellow card.

This better be important.

£5 ,000 for charity? It don't get more important than that, good girl.

What? We're putting on a panto still.

Cinderella. I've done it before as a piece of cake. But I need your help.

I haven't got time to be in no panto.

Good God, I don't want you to be in it.

You can't act to save your life. You never could.

Thanks. No, what it is, I need you to help backstage.

Costumes and whatnot.

That celiac will give you a hand. And you can start off by putting these up

around the hospital.

Oh, apparently it's that Betty Wong to play the piano. See if you can rope her

in and all. So long.

Well, in the absence of Aunty Brenda, who couldn't even be bothered to come to

her own Christmas do, I'd like to wish you all a Di Davies card.

Ah, thank you.

And Brenda's birthday.

And you.

A very merry Christmas.

Hey,

lads, come and join us. Moneybag Dal is buying.

Am I?

Oh, well, I won't say no.

We're celebrating and commiserating all at the same time.

Of course, you ended the business hours today, didn't you? Yeah, Simpson's the

undertaker. I've left the building.

Early retirement, is it, Daddy? Well, it's hardly early. He's 84.

I know. That was a joke.

Well,

enjoy it while it lasts.

You were on a pink cloud at the moment, old -timer.

Same thing happened to me when I left the forces.

But after a while, reality sets in.

Long, empty days stretching out before you. And you feel impotent.

Worthless.

Defunct. A failure.

All right, my lad, calm down.

I'm going to the morgue. Oh, dickens. Come here. Right, come on, all the way

Sonny!

Hello, stranger. Bloody hell. Hi, mate. Long time no see.

You back for Christmas, do you?

Yeah, I'm treating your sisters to lunch.

I get it.

What are you doing here?

Well, this works do like, innit?

All right.

Anyway, I'll leave you to your lunch.

Give us a bell, son. We'll go for a pint, is it? Yeah, cool.

Great. What's wrong?

Card bloke had lunch with his ex -wife now.

Knowing Ponteberry can't.

Oh, I knew this was a stupid idea.

What do you want, son?

Let's get a drink first, shall we?

I think you're going to need it.

Hey! Hey!

What do you want, bud?

What do you want, bud?

Home till the new year, I am.

Wait, who's the demon?

Coleman!

Give the ambulance a thought in there, will you?

Sorry, beaut.

I knew we shouldn't have bought it.

It's not for the baby, is it? We just haven't got the room.

You'll be grateful for what Christmas presents you bloody well get. Thank you

very much, Luke Morgan.

There's children in Africa that give their right arm for a bear like this.

So you finally decided to join us, did you, Auntie Brenda, for your own

Christmas do?

What?

Good God, no, I've got no time for carousing and what you call like a work

do. I'm auditioning tonight.

Cinderella, six o 'clock sharp.

Stick these on the wall for me, will you, Anne?

The thing is, son, your situation is different.

You don't get to go swanning off round the world pretending you're studying.

Because unlike the other 21 -year -old medics in your year, you've got a kid.

And an ex -wife who needs support in.

So I'm sorry for spoiling the dream, but you should have thought about that when

you got me pregnant. Whoa, all right, calm down.

I knew you'd react, I didn't need to be this bad. What do you expect?

I'm scraping around the berry with my stupid little mobile salad, barely

enough to buy shoes for our child.

And you, Mr. C has done twice a month, if you're lucky, and now it's your

buggering off to India for a year. Talk about like it's a holiday, it's part of

my training, for God's sake.

I don't care.

You're not going.

End of. Emma.

Do your parents know about this?

Because I only saw them this morning and they never said a word to me. Emma.

I want you and Albert to come with me.

What?

We're back.

Back home, babe.

What's going on?

Good. I need to get away.

Get away? Where?

I got me a... last minute flight to Penang. I leave tonight.

Not too well, I know. You're ridiculous.

You have to stop saying no. You know how I feel about Christmas, ma 'am. It

abuses my soul. I've got to go south like a salmon.

Oh, well, that's nice, I must say.

Ten days I got to do this pantomime, and you were sailing off down the Swanee

with a rucksack on your back. Fall to bloody reed. Still, as long as Vivienne

all right, that's all that matters.

My heart is breaking like a precious mink vase.

Oh, man up, young gentleman, for Christ's sake.

Come on, Babes. I will love you to the ends of the earth and beyond.

To Jupiter, to Mars.

You'd better have this, then.

I take it your anti -establishment, what you call it, isn't so ingrained it

stops you from accepting a bit of Christmas cash.

No. Cheers.

OK.

Well, yeah.

See you, Mum.

Later, dear.

I do feel like my soul have been ripped from my chest and thrown to the ducks.

Right.

Onwards.

Yeah. I'm so glad I got put on paediatric.

I know where I am with kids.

I've got three of my own, see, and three grandkids.

I've seen it all, haven't I, Stella?

Don't know about that, Adam, but I've certainly seen more than most.

A lot of people are scared of children.

God knows why.

It's not like they're going to bite, is it? No.

Well, actually, Billy might.

Who's Billy?

11 years old. He's got a brain tumour.

Not looking too bright for him, really.

This'll be his third operation in two years.

He can be a bit of a challenge, free the leaf.

Ah, well, that's where I come into my own, cos there's nothing shocks me when

comes to challenging kids.

Billy!

This is Stella.

Don't go giving her a hard time, she's a student.

Oh, I'm sure me and Billy are going to get on just fine, aren't we, Billy?

Fuck off, you fat cow.

that for Stella.

Of course, you'd be lucky to even get a leg in it.

Indeed.

And find something nice for Carl.

To wear?

To look at. Don't be disgusting.

All right, you?

Hiya.

Now, if I was you, I'd go for something like this.

It's definitely your best option.

Nice simple lines and it'll cover up your rose of fat.

I quite like a rose.

Anyway, it's not very, um...

You know, sexy, is it?

Michael, Stella Morris is a 45 -year -old menopausal woman with an obesity

problem. She won't thank you for making her look like a reader's wife.

I don't know.

What about a nightie instead?

Something like this.

God, no.

Look, I really like this.

Aye, Stella will look fantastic in that, but proper dirty like.

Right, um...

I'm just not sure about her size.

I'll call her.

She's a size 22 if she's a day. And I can tell you now, they don't go up that

big. There's no way Stella is a size 22. Even I know that.

No, Stella is most certainly not a size 22.

Who wants to know?

Oh, well, I'm with Santa and he might be buying you some nice underwear for

Christmas.

That Santa Claus is an old perv.

Tell him I'm a 16.

Or a 14 on a good day. Although, having just been called a fat cow by an 11

-year -old, maybe you should go for the 22.

What?

Oh, nothing.

I'll tell you tonight after Panto audition.

Oh, sweetheart, are you having a bad day?

Not a bad of some people.

I love you.

And I love you.

Excuse me, what have you got on a size 16, please?

What, it's Christmas, man.

Make it a 14.

Nice and tight.

Billy,

his name is.

Took the wind right out of my sails. I bet.

Thing is, I don't think I'm good enough to work on a children's ward after all.

I thought I'd be brilliant.

For them nurses.

They're superhuman, honest to God.

Yeah, I know.

No, really, they are.

They've got, like, a thick stance, and they're so good with the parents, cos,

obviously, not all them kids make it, do they?

Well, I don't think I'm cut out for all that.

Hiya. All right.

Pop your details over there, Prash, in case you get the part.

Is Yanto here yet?

Yeah, we do look proper depressed.

Cos of Viv.

She's gone off travelling again, hasn't she, Davy? Yeah, and we're meant to be

doing a duet near him, but he won't stop crying.

Says his soul has been ripped from his chest and fed to the ducks.

You all right?

Dalla... Has Dalla never mentioned it?

Mentioned what?

What?

Well, I'd a son once.

Did he really not tell you?

Liam, he died when he was 13.

Sophia, it's okay.

It's more awkward for other people than it is for me.

Before you say nothing, I got bronze and silver in Mrs. Cogbill's drama group

when I was 10.

So, I got just as much right to be here as the next person.

She got voice of a whippet, haven't you, beaut?

Lynette, where to would we sign up?

Just there.

I'm up for Prince Charming, I am.

I thought that was traditionally played by a girl.

Don't be disgusting.

You never said nothing about lesbians.

How do you cope?

I mean, the thought of my Luke or Ben or Emma... How do you even function?

Listen, for what it's worth, and I had a lot of experience of children's war...

Of course you did.

I think you're going to work from working there.

But more than that...

I think you'll give a lot back.

Kids like Billy need nurses like you.

Please tell me we're not too late.

Some people couldn't find their jazz shoes, and we've had a right to cut us

What are you doing here?

Clearing out my parents' attic.

Abra's asleep.

Everyone else is at the panto thing.

Which is why I thought you might like some company.

Fern, I haven't come to any decision. I don't want to talk about India.

I just want to beat you at home, great boss.

Good tidings we bring to you and your king. Ah, the queen!

Now, let's hear your speech, please.

I haven't finished the song yet. That as may be, Al, but I've got a room full of

wannabes waiting, so my decisions are going to be laser quick.

Okay.

Well, the only thing I know is Lady Macbeth, because I played her in school

like. I wasn't going to do that.

I wasn't going to do Lady Macbeth.

Nadine Zepet, or you want so much as Carrier Spear.

Commence.

Out, out, damn spot.

Out, I say.

One, two, three, four, five, it's time to do it.

Oh, hell is murky.

Aye, my lord.

Next.

Oh, my God, I haven't played that for years. You can tell. You were rubbish.

Aye. You are my sunshine.

My only sunshine.

You make me happy.

Next.

Next!

Next!

And when Joshua woke up, he looked outside.

He saw it.

A set of tiny footprints leading to the forest.

I'd better be off.

Yeah.

They'll all be home soon.

I need to think about plane tickets, so let me know.

Yeah.

Sonny, if I say no, what will you do?

I won't go.

Really?

Ems, I couldn't handle a whole year without seeing my boy.

Or his mum.

sees, looks in the mirror.

What's he say?

Hello, me.

You're a natural, Carl.

Out on the boat.

Out, I say.

One day, why, then, tis time to do it.

Hell is murky.

Say, my lord.

Next. Next.

Who's last?

What?

What is mental?

How can I be Cinderella?

I've never even been on stage before. Oh,

you did a little play when you were in prison.

That was role play, ma 'am. About serial killers. It's not exactly buttons in

Cinderella.

Hey, Carl was gutted that Brenda made Bobby Prince charming, wasn't he?

Mind you, he'd make a lovely, ugly sister with Carl.

Yeah, hadn't I, David?

I've got to say, I thought Bobby was really manly as the prince. I'm not

surprised he got the part.

You're going to have to kiss him. Yeah, look out, Luke. Bit of competition for

you there, Prash.

Thank God you're back.

Why didn't you answer your mobile?

I've been calling you.

Well, I ran out of juice. What's the matter? What's happened?

It's my dad.

Oh, my God, have he died?

What? No, he's broken his bloody leg. He fell off a ladder.

Oh, bloody.

That's awful.

It happened lunchtime.

Stella, I'm going to have to go up there to Wolverhampton.

What, this minute?

Yes.

But you can't.

He's in the hospital.

I mean, they're going to let him out tomorrow, but my mum can't drive, and my

sister's in a kibbutz, isn't she?

Oh, God.

Well, does that mean they won't be coming for Christmas?

Stella, I don't even think I'll be coming for Christmas.

Are you joking?

You've got to be here. It's our first one. I know, and I'm really sorry, but

dad can't walk. What am I supposed to do?

I'll call you when I get there.

OK.

Now, just to be clear...

You won't be handing out any actual presents as such.

Not even a bar of chocolate.

That's right. Just take an order from each child, what they're wanting for

Christmas and that. Say you'll see what you could do, but make no promises,

mind. Then you give Mum or Dad one of my special leaflets.

Along with the line, perhaps Santa will bring Mummy a new car.

From Di Davis Cars, 0 % finance available, subject to terms and

You can say that last bit if you like, little Al. Oh, whoopee.

So basically, you're using Santa Claus to upsell.

Hey, some of these cars are a damn good deal, I'll have you know. And they get

to meet Father Christmas, don't they?

And they go away empty -handed.

These are the hard yards, Al.

And it's good for them to learn early about disappointment.

Anyway, you can't pull out now. You've got customers.

Turkey crown for Yanto bead.

Sorry, George.

With Verve going... Turkey crowns!

Or Delamore! Boris is here for a 24 -pounder when you're ready.

I have actually... Me and Rhys, and me, have plucked him within an inch.

It was a 24 -pounder, wasn't it?

No, that's why I come in. I change my mind.

Oh, don't tell me you want a bloody crown just like the rest of Ponterbury.

wants a crown. A crown, a crown, my kingdom, for a horse.

Yeah, well, Michael and his parents aren't coming no more, are they?

And that crown's just... Yes, I know.

Chop him up. Chop him up.

Live long.

Sorry, Stella.

This craze for crowns is doing my nutting.

I've got a room full of legs back now and nowhere to go.

How come Barry and Rita are working for you? Not a lot of call for Diane over

the festivities, Rita. Aren't they transferable skills, butchery and

I suppose so.

Hey, George!

I heard you've got a load of cockney legs going for a song.

Take them off you for a fiver.

Turkey's turkey at the end of the day, Steph.

Shabem and a saucepan? Who's a cutting wiser?

No bastard bastard.

And I want the Zajac's version because that's more compatible with my software.

Item 76.

A pair of the latest Zoom Shock 3D Luminero snowboards.

With matching headgear and rods.

Item 77.

See, this kid's been here 25 minutes.

Mummy is bored and Mummy is looking at the cars.

Bingo.

Item 79, a collection of skincare products in the organic apperage. Item

80, a remote -controlled helicopter.

Bloody hell.

A ticket you haven't told Mam yet?

She's joking, isn't she?

She'd go mental if she thought I was even considering it.

So you are considering it, isn't she?

Is Auntie Nina found me a job?

What? In this five -star hotel in Delhi.

They've got a posh salon there.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

It's a brilliant opportunity.

Are you in India?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're in India.

With Sonny.

All right.

You're worried you won't get on, is it?

No.

I'm worried we will.

Hello there, little Abra.

You want to come and meet Father Christmas?

Yeah. Good.

Give that to your mum.

Come on, then.

Is this a bad time?

Yeah, you could say that.

Sorry,

sir. Is everything okay?

Yeah.

It's just you've been gone a week now, and I'm really missing you. And I hate

the fact I'm turning into one of them awful, whinging, needy girlfriends.

And I'm back on a children's ward today, and I don't want to do it. And, oh,

Michael, can't you just come home?

Michael?

He's doing his best for goodness sake. You're not helping.

Sorry, Sal.

What did you say?

Oh, it don't matter.

Let's speak later, yeah?

Yeah, if you like.

Dad, you're going to have to move.

Now

then,

Lily, I'll sort you out with these tablets, shall we?

I know I'm sweating.

For God's sake.

It must be a winning smile.

He really doesn't like me, does he?

Well, thank God it's not all about you then, eh, Stella?

I haven't seen the parents yet.

What are they like?

They're not around.

Billy didn't care.

Is he?

His mum abandoned him when he was six months old. No idea who the father was.

His grandmother brought him up.

And then last month, she died.

So he's taken care of by social services.

He's basically an 11 year old orphan who's dying of cancer don't really get

crapping out of there No What are

you playing

My son's got one of them.

I think it gets glued to his hand sometimes because he can go days without

putting it down.

So I saved it for his birthday and I bought him a telescope.

I thought, well, if he's going to spend hours staring at something, it'd be

better if it was something real instead of some stupid electronic thing. Oh,

just shut up, will you?

Sorry.

Billy, I'm not your enemy, OK?

And I know it's horrible what you're going through and crap and, like, the

luck in the world, but I am trying to help you. I really want to help you.

So you can feel good about yourself.

Have you taken your meds?

No point going to die anyway.

Says who?

I heard them talking.

I'm not stupid.

No, you're not.

But you do have a face like a squash tomato.

Well, you've got a face like a crash lorry.

Oi!

Let me take your blood pressure.

Let me take yours.

Go on.

I hate hospitals.

Why are you a nurse?

Not thin enough to be a supermodel.

It's all because of your fat.

It's OK.

120 over 75.

Very good. Thank you.

Stella.

Yeah? You've got any smokes?

Come in, Pontevere. This is Wolverhampton calling.

Come in, Pontevere. This is Wolverhampton calling.

Hello, Wolverhampton.

Hello, gorgeous.

What are you eating?

Mince pie.

God, I'm missing you.

Yeah, me too.

You drove down there tonight?

I wish you did.

How's your dad?

He's fine.

Old trooper. He's just my mother.

Well, that's what mums are for.

You know that little kid I told you about?

Billy? Yeah.

He hadn't got a mum, or a dad, or a gran, or no -one.

And he probably won't make it to 13.

Oh, God.

We're so lucky, Michael.

Yes, we are.

Oh, cheer me up, for God's sake.

It's meant to be bloody Christmas.

Okay. Go and look in the top drawer.

There's a little present in there for you.

Open it.

And then put it on.

My dear, you've got the latest UB40 album and a couple of pairs of socks.

One of them was asking for flying lessons.

You know what you are? A grumpy stamper. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, are you sure about this?

I won't be offended if you change your mind.

No, I won't.

Come on.

So, do you like it?

Yes, I do.

And does it fit OK?

I know you do.

So do I.

Well, come close to the camera so I can see you all. Oh, Michael.

Oh, Stella.

Oh. Michelle.

Michelle, I'm down.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What's going on? Good God, who's that?

He has no respect for his parents' home.

Oh, drop me a crutch. What? No, this isn't... Mum, Dad, this is Stella.

It's my girlfriend.

My lad, my jade.

I'm going to sit down for a bit.

Okay.

All right, Liam.

How's it going?

I'm Alan, I am.

Sorry we never got to meet like... what it is.

I'm your mum's boyfriend.

I hope that's okay with you.

I'm not, you know, a... Weirdo or nutter or nothing.

And I just want you to know that I'm going to give her a proper tidy

Me and little Al.

That's my son, by the way.

Central of ages, you as it goes.

You'd like that.

Anyway.

Don't you go worrying.

But your mum, okay?

I'm gonna look after her.

Because I love her.

the weight of a small car, they think.

What are you trying to say? That I'm overweight?

No, no.

Right, so in you come and the dame holds up the dress.

Right, okay.

To die, David.

Oh, Mama, that frock is lush.

The crowd will coo and gasp and gush.

Hang on a sec.

That dress is mine.

I ordered it from Trash Online.

Daughters, daughters, calm yourselves.

I got two frogs from off the shelves.

Okay. And so you take from the clothes chest an identical dress.

Right.

Al, you're going to have to be quicker than that for the audience to be falling

asleep for you.

Oh, for God's sake, you've ripped it, man.

Sorry, it wasn't my fault.

But whose fault was it?

Actually, Auntie Brenda, that's quite funny. Perhaps we can build her into the

routine. Shut it, Di Davis. There's only one director here, and as sure as

Sharmell Shake ain't you.

When do I get to do the striptease?

I was practising all last night for Nadine. What, Nadine?

See?

Hang on a minute, though, Carl, love. I'm sorry, Auntie Brenda, but when I

agreed to play the fairy godmother, you said nothing about me flying across the

stage on a bit of flipping string.

It's not string. It's fucking reinforced metal cable, man.

What?

I think it can be fixed, actually.

Hang on a minute, Al. There's plenty of other people who wouldn't mind flying.

Me, for starters.

I'll do it.

I'll do it. I don't care about the danger.

I've got nothing to live for no more.

Shut it!

The lot of you!

I can't even hear myself think!

Take five!

Ooh, they look outstanding, but thanks, I do. I had nine yesterday.

Oh, fabulous Christmas present.

What do you go for?

Necklace? Urine?

I got her this.

A canoe?

Yep.

Something different, like.

Comes in a do -it -yourself kit, it does, so she can build it from scratch.

In the shed.

And little Al's doing the cooking.

We're having turkey, goose, duck, suckling pig, roast beef, milk -fed lamb

pheasant. Christ, Al, you'd be drowning in saturated fat.

Aye, but it's Christmas, man. You can't drown yourself in saturated fat at

Christmas. When can you drown yourself in saturated fat?

Well, I am doing a turkey crown.

What's wrong with that?

A turkey crown.

Crowns of a coward Delamores.

You should be ashamed.

Right. Your attention, please.

Change of plan.

Nadine Bevan, if you refuse to fly, then you give me no option other than to

recast.

Yanto Bede, as of now, you will play Fairy Godmother.

Nadine, you are demoted to elf.

What? Oh, come on. Anyone who's not happy with my decision, the door

is a lot away.

Scotty? Aunty Brenda?

Come on.

Right, let's take it from the Buttons and Cinders song at the start of scene

three. Betty Wong, a two, three, four.

Till the end of time, my love for you will keep on

burning.

I know what's true. There ain't no life for me and you. Cause we are

friends. But nothing more.

Nothing more.

There's nothing more.

Nothing more.

There's nothing more.

There's nothing more.

Why am I even bothering?

You're bloody useless.

The lot of you.

This whole thing is a joke.

They can give that five grand to someone else. I wash my hands with you.

It's all kicking off at the Panto.

Algy Brenda have resigned and everyone's in a kerfuffle.

Uh -oh. Was she being a mardy -ass?

Yeah, she was.

So,

how are you feeling about tomorrow, Pratt?

Frightened.

In case I don't make up.

Don't be daft. Of course you're going to wake her.

You're not allowed to promise me that.

Stella, if I do wake up like... Will you be there?

Try keeping me away, Billy Matthews.

I'll be back now.

Adam.

I need a big favour.

What? Oh, so they sent you, did they? Well, quell bloody surprise.

Right, you better come in.

Hiya.

This is Billy.

He's come for his tea.

Do we want to be a wise man?

And smile.

Right. Let's get the spaghetti hoops on, is it?

That does may be Daddy Simpson, but I feel undervalued, overused and

disrespected.

Haven't heard from my Vivienne since she went.

Of course.

No idea if she's safe and dry or being interfered with in some cosy wee steam

room.

I don't know.

I couldn't stand the sight of her when she was here, but now she's gone.

Yep.

Yes, well, I'll sleep on it.

You boys all right up there?

Yeah. I'll be up now in a minute.

Hello, Stella.

I can't talk for long because Billy have come over and I've got to take him back

soon.

Oh, my God.

My parents have asked me to speak to you about last night when they saw you, you

know, in the buff.

Naked as a baby duck.

I wasn't actually naked.

So this is my dad, Keith.

Hello, Stella.

And this is my mum, Anna.

How do you do?

They've asked that we stop seeing each other.

What?

Because they think you're a bad influence on me.

Michael?

We're joking!

We're joking, mum!

That's one thing you'll learn about us Jacksons. We do love a joke.

And a giggle.

Why do you think we called him Michael?

Whoa, that's amazing.

And you see that one on the right?

It's really big.

Do you know what's weird?

What you're seeing now happened millions of years ago.

So that star isn't actually there anymore.

Is it dead?

I guess so.

How's it going?

Stella, I'm looking at the starlight and it's still shining even though it's

died.

It might be the star of Bethlehem.

Me and my gran used to call it the star of Battleham.

Star of Battleham.

She said it brought good luck.

It was the star the wise men followed to find baby Jesus.

Why didn't they just use a sat -nav?

Listen,

it's so exciting about coming up here on Christmas Eve.

What, even when the weather's like this? Yeah.

Look down at all them houses.

Think of all them people getting ready for tomorrow.

Rowing, crying, drinking and laughing.

Last minute rapping and stuff.

Yeah.

Mam,

I know you've got a lot on your mind at the moment.

With Michael away and that and Billy's operation.

But there's something I've got to tell you.

I'm off then, Auntie Bren.

I don't suppose you... No.

Right.

I'll let them know.

You can't go.

Are you for real?

I'm not eight. It's Sonny Chowdhury to click his fingers in Emma Morris to go

running again, is it? No, no, he found me a job and everything. Oh, it's

nothing. But it's a brilliant opportunity.

Luke thinks so.

You two look before me.

That's nice. Oh, for God's sake.

Are you getting back together with him, then?

Don't be ridiculous.

Just not for sure.

Look, I just want him to be happy for me, OK?

Well, I'm not.

Because you're making a big mistake.

Thanks a lot, ma 'am.

Up with you.

Yes, Sam.

Yeah, there is. You're being Margie.

It's me that's having the operation.

Sorry.

I just found out Emma's going to India for a year.

She's taking Abra with her.

Wicked. I'd love to go in, Jimmy.

Right, it's haircut time.

Who's going to do the honours?

Well, I reckon we can still do this show, even without Auntie Brenda at the

helm. Don't be ludicrous, man, Bob.

Ah, we do know the songs and that, and the dances.

Yeah, but we've lost our leader, haven't we? Our Iron Lady, our Fuhrer. All

right, Carl.

Not Fuhrer, he said, Daddy, not funeral.

Christ, once an undertaker.

Let's face it, without Auntie Brenda, we just don't stand a chance.

Zoe's right. The show's over, folks.

Oh, no, it isn't.

She's behind you!

Right.

Come on, everyone. We open in less than ten hours.

Let's get this show on the road!

He'd come in round, it all went fine.

Can I go see him?

Of course.

Stella, this is just another reprieve for him.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah.

Not a red card yet, though, is there?

Hello, Trouble.

You did really well.

Starve, Basil. I'm watching over me, innit?

Yeah.

We all want a big silly ending.

It's okay.

So let's be naive.

Cause today's Christmas Eve.

And tomorrow's just minutes away.

This song is devoid of all meaning.

This song's cocky nonsense and taut.

So let's read it here.

To all of us here.

No matter your common or far.

So here's to the fun and the laughter.

Here's to the sunshine above.

We'll drink to the joy of...

None of this could have happened today, of course, if it wasn't for our fabulous

director, Aunty Brenda!

effort and what a team and

I also want to say that if we do

win this competition and quite frankly we should then I want the money to go to

the kiddies ward at the hospital

My knees tell us to work up there, and honest to God, we do all moan and mither

about how hard we got it, but we don't even know we born when you see them lot

up there.

So, moment of truth.

Mr. Chung Lee, how did we do, kids?

for doing this, Al.

Local was meant to do it. Got all pissed last night. He ended up on a cross

-channel ferry to Ostend.

Oh, I'm not Crockett here from up the Weno.

That's him.

Aye. Need to bring the whole Santa fraternity into disrepute, that one.

We can't stay long, Mindstella. I've got lunch to cook.

Oh, lucky you.

I'd mess up, I have, getting a turkey crown.

I looked at it this morning. It was no bigger than a pasty. I did warn you. I

know.

Very well.

If you can guarantee me no interference,

Then I'm prepared to cook dinner at your house.

Here we are.

Here's an offering.

Oh, thanks, little Al.

You two are absolute stars.

Now, let's go and meet Billy and the rest of them.

Father Christmas is here, everyone.

Ho, ho, ho.

Come on, let's have it.

You got me a present then, or what?

Right, well, first off, we've got to say a big thank you and drink a toast to

little Alan, because that dinner was immense.

And secondly...

There's quite a few people missing from this table today.

We haven't got no room for no more.

Either in Wolverhampton.

Or Bangkok, God forbid.

Or somewhere else.

Anyway, let's drink a little toast, shall we?

To all them loved ones.

Christmas to make us think about them more somehow, don't we?

Yeah. Absent friends.

Absent friends.

And finally, not all of you will know this, but Emma, Anthony and Abra have

got the chance to go to India for a year.

What? When did this happen? And I don't want them to go.

Mum. Because I'm selfish.

But the thing is, life is too short and

it's bloody unpredictable and all.

None of us knows what's around the corner, so...

Probably best if we grab these opportunities when they come along,

know. That's what I said.

Go for it, Em.

I hope you all have the best time ever.

Thanks, ma 'am.

All the best.

Aye, but I tell you what, Sunil Bumundra Chowdhury, you'd better look after them

two out there or you'll have me to deal with.

And me.

And me.

Face it for you.

Thank you, ma 'am.

You know that means the world, don't you?

It's going to be so hard, though, Em.

Not having you here.

Always be my little girl, see?

Mum!

It's Michael.

Hiya, gorgeous.

Hello, sweetheart.

How was your lunch?

It was nice. I did a turkey crown in the end.

A turkey crown?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Only cowards buy turkey crowns. Rubbish. Mine was absolutely delicious.

I mean, it's amazing.

What?

Can't you, Mike, think?

Sounds like you've got a house full.

Will someone get that, please?

Stella?

Hang on.

Stella?

Michael. Yeah?

I'm missing you so much.

What did you say?

I said, I am missing you.

So much.

Good job I came home.

My lad and my jid, Mr Jackson.

My lad and jid, Mrs Warren.

Do you fancy a mince pie?

I thought you'd eaten them all. Oi!

La couture!

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