Original subtitles

You don't actually say you've inherited anything now. I know, but it's about my

mother's will. What else can it mean?

So I'm going to ask that Jan for a bit. Help settle her in. It feels like it's

going a little bit wrong with me and my girl.

Let's mark her.

He's moving in.

Choose me.

I can't.

Honestly, Mark, you don't have to bleep here. There's a perfectly good bed up

there. I know.

Won't be long.

Dad, will you stop apologising?

I know you would, man.

Yet.

OK, we'll call you on the day.

Yeah, I will.

Here.

Rob feels really bad.

So he should.

Missing his own son's wedding.

Oh, shut up. He lives in bloody Canada. Will you only give him a week's notice?

This is ridiculous.

Are you serious?

What?

Bobby and Nadine.

Were they wanting to spend on this wedding? We haven't got this sort of

Well, then, he's got the money.

Hey, what were we thinking about getting married so soon after the baby?

No, we weren't. Look, leave Bobby and Nadine to me.

I won't have a word today.

Calm the whole thing down.

Thanks, Stout.

Weddings can cause quite a lot of tension, I'm afraid.

Hey, if I wanted anyone's advice about weddings, but you'd be the last person

I'd ask. All right, don't take it out on Marcus just because you can't organise

a piss -up in a brewery. Oh, you think you're so fucking clever, don't you?

I'm clever in a new ship, right? Shut up, the lot of you!

God, like a bunch of squawking geeks about the place.

Going like hotcakes, is that?

Heya.

What are you doing here?

Just... Picking up a few things, seeing the estate agent.

See, Jan's given you the car back then.

Yeah.

Hope it's worth it.

Thought you'd skulk back when no -one was looking, did you, good boy?

Actually, Aunty Brenda, the situation's a lot more complicated than... Ah, save

it. If you want to go around breaking the hearts of overweight, middle -aged

women, then shame on you is all I can say.

By the way, how's that daughter of yours doing, Kev?

Yeah, really well, thank you.

Are you dropping little Alan off on your way?

Hey.

Oh, love, come here.

Eh?

Don't get your ropes up today, eh?

Yeah.

And whatever your brother says, don't write to him.

I'll do my best behaviour.

Oh, Lallan.

You're inside out, sweetheart.

How did we manage without her, eh?

We didn't.

Ah.

And so that's it, in a nutshell.

Your mother revoked all previous wills. Nice of her to bloody tell me.

And has left you everything in equally divided share.

I've got to say it's only fair.

What's fair about it? I did everything for that woman. Oh, here we go.

On the condition that... What?

You settle your differences and make peace.

She has written an accompanying letter.

Dear Alan and Alan, as you know, I am now dead.

The house should fetch around 120, and I got 50 grand in my post office account,

ill -gotten gains from my days as a male escort.

Anyhow... You both get half, on condition you stop behaving like a pair

quacks and make friends.

Alan, I'm sorry about the dog, but in all fairness, he shouldn't have come so

close.

So long.

We sang along to Maggie Mae.

I guess I'm trying to say I can't forget you.

But you have buttoned down the latch, the heart, the hatch, and I guess I'll

have to.

Oh, we have traded rights and wrongs.

Well, you just don't listen, does she tell? Look, can we get on? I meant to be

picking Ben up from school.

There's no chance in that.

Thank you,

Daddy.

Right, Luke and Joey's wedding will take place at St John's Church as planned,

followed by a reception at my house.

Well, I've heard it all now.

Everyone can bring a plate of food.

Don't be ridiculous. We're not trampling your own. Are you deranged?

They've got no money.

I've got no money. And that is what's going to happen.

Yes, Daddy, you can still drive him to the church.

But not dressed like a bullfighter.

See? I told you. It was your idea.

What did you call him? I said it was a bad idea. I said it was a bad idea.

The classification is now over.

If you don't like it, you can lump it.

Mike.

Please don't take it personally.

Everything was getting out of control.

Look.

Surprise!

Well, well, fancy you back from Abu Dhabi.

What's it like?

Oh, immense.

You've got camel racing, dune bashing, desert safaris.

I know.

Because, like, I met and married you, didn't I, Carl?

I know.

I've got something for you.

Sorry, I don't understand.

Four bedrooms with planning permission to extend the garage.

It's a house in Chichester.

I know.

The best part about it is that the legal practice was failed at ten miles away.

It's perfect.

You and me, we can set up together without Andy.

Jackson and Jackson.

Janet, what on earth are you thinking?

I've already talked to Katie about it. It's really exciting.

Michael, it's a new start.

For all of us.

Won't be long.

AM, Dad's home.

Is he?

Yeah, for a whole month. Well, yeah. How you doing?

Oh, before you start with Marcus's idea, OK?

What was?

We're moving in next door.

House's sitting for Michael just till he finds a buyer.

What, and Michael knows about this?

Yeah, of course.

Come on, then.

Oh, you're going to admit you make sense?

Your house is bursting with the scenes.

Hello.

Can I go straight in? I've got some hireables.

Um, yeah, of course.

What are you doing letting Marcus and Emma move into your place?

Well, I wouldn't call it moving in. A big mate for Marcus Jenton all of a

sudden, are you?

I thought I'd be doing you a favour.

What, by making it easier for him to have an affair with my daughter?

Slippery, Chris. Letting that man sleep in our bed, your bed, like it meant

nothing to you. What are you talking about?

I know it's quite normal where you live to shout on the street and argue on the

doorstep, but round here we're a tad more civilised.

Boring, I know. OK, leave it, Jan.

Penny or Fideli?

Penny.

I bought you the duvet cover for that bed.

And the lamp.

Yeah, well, this is how it's going to be, Colette, and if we're going to

I know that.

Tomorrow, they can stay here.

Okay? Yeah.

Thank you.

She's letting them stay over tomorrow.

Oh, great.

You can get to meet Abra.

Yeah.

You liking a little, Al? Yes, all under control.

Anyway, my brother wants to stay in touch.

Is that wise?

Oh, I don't know.

He's the only family I got now, apart from little Alan.

And me.

Madame et monsieur, dinner is ready.

Here we go.

Jeu de poivre.

So, make it this mashed up carrot and mushy pea. Hello. It's cotton blue,

actually, Dad. No, where's the pork? I thought we were having pork.

It's pork infused, all right.

What's the point?

Katie, I need to ask a favour.

No, I won't marry you.

Ha, ha, no.

I wanted to ask if you'd come to the wedding, like, or is it a bit awkward

because of my mum?

Not awkward for me.

Yeah, I'd love to.

It's so boring being at home all the time, especially with my parents

to like each other again.

I thought they did. They think I'm taken in by it, but it's easier when they

just argued.

My mum's even trying to persuade my dad that we should buy a house in Chichester

or somewhere.

Turning into one of them really fit, unemployed people here.

Oh.

Marcus will find me another job.

He's got loads of contacts.

I bet he has.

Mam, I'm sorry if we upset you.

Moving into Michael's.

It's OK.

But Marcus is a good bloke, you know.

And his marriage was over long before I met him. You can't know that for

definite, Em.

But... I definitely know I love him.

Yeah, well, if someone pointed out to me recently, love isn't everything.

Apparently.

Oh, why am I such a fuck -up? It's like you said the other day. Every man I ever

meet, I just drive him away.

I really thought me and Michael were different.

You're dead.

He's been a right knob.

Well, he isn't, though, is he?

He's done it because he loves his daughter so much and he thinks he's

right thing for her.

And I know it sounds weird, but part of me loves him more for that.

It really hurts, though, Em.

Go and talk to Em.

You can't just give up after one go.

That's not the Stella Morris we all know and love, is it?

OK, so...

It's midday, all the guests are settled inside, including the children.

Well, personally, I think the kids should be banned. But what do I know?

And so Daddy will open the door.

And the bride and groom will step out.

And the groom will offer his arms.

And the bride will take it.

Well,

of course, you shut the door.

But to be frank, no -one's going to be looking at you at this point, are they?

And in we go.

Hey,

Jagadish.

I know I've been away for a while, but bloody hell, your hair have grown.

Oh, I'm not Jagadish.

Ah, I know.

Joking, I was like.

Hey, Carl.

I heard you was back, but here I am.

I'm back, Matt. Yeah, I know.

Yeah!

Back for the big day. Hey, what was the stag like?

What did you do? Lap dancers?

Paintballing?

Lesbians?

There was no stag.

What? I know, and I love a stag. I was seriously disappointed.

I think it's such a quiet dude, they don't want to... Well, we can't have

can we?

One more time.

You're walking up.

Nice, easy pace.

Turn, look at your guests as you go.

Auntie Brenda and Di Davis are singing.

And they're enjoying themselves,

drinking in the atmosphere, because let's face it, this day will never

again. And if it does, you'll be doing it with the guilt of a wrecked marriage

and a messy divorce behind you.

Great. And you've arrived.

And the vicar will say, Dad, you be the vicar.

I wonder if I'll feel any different when I got that ring on my finger.

I never did. It was funny.

But then we got married so fast.

You couldn't really call it a wedding.

Maybe you and Marcus will get married one day. Then you can have a big white

number.

God, slow down, Zoe.

You haven't divorced his third wife yet.

My dad got divorced three times.

Did he?

Yeah. It was chaos. Me and my sister never knew if we were coming or going.

That's my dad for you.

Saw what he wanted and went for it.

Didn't really think what he was doing to anyone else.

Bless him.

One big kid, really.

But he's called Dirk.

Who cares what her name is? He's a physio.

And you only have to talk to him today, Presh, sweetheart.

You said Presh. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

You've gone all Welsh. Oh, shut up.

I love you, Dad.

Hey, Katie Jackson.

Give me 15.

Hey, Dirk.

May I take this young lady away and put her through her paces?

Yep, all yours.

Oh, hello.

Can you just see the physio, shall we?

Yep. His name's Dirk.

Firstly, you need to know that I am so much better for you than Jan.

Hello. And secondly, I make you really happy.

And you make me really happy. Well, not at the moment, you don't, because you've

been a twat, but you have done in the past, like, happier than I've ever been.

So I'm asking you, one more time,

To come back to me.

How can I do that to Katie after everything she's been through?

Sorry, darling, I made a mistake. I'm going to split up with your mother

Would it just be cruel?

I've got three children, Michael.

And I know for a fact that one thing any child wants is happy parents.

And right now, Katie Jackson doesn't have a happy time.

I'll be joining you later, if that's all right, Bren.

Aye.

It won't be much of a do, but it's better than nothing, eh?

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

Ten nights still for ze buddy.

Zoe, man.

Glenn's sulking cos he's got a donkey sick.

I'm expecting everyone half -sick on the dot. And don't eat beforehand.

Me and Vivienne have done a mountain of food.

She's the most annoying woman I've ever encountered in my whole life.

But I also find her strangely alluring.

What, in a sexual way?

No, nothing untoward. I just really enjoy arguing with her.

Ah, that's probably because you and Edie never spoke.

The quietest woman in the very.

Aye, so quiet are you.

I didn't even hear her go.

Christ!

When did your Didi die, doy?

She hadn't died, man. She went after the fella from Cork.

Oh, thank God for that.

Hey, come on. We'll be having a laugh tonight. Where are we going next, boys?

Right, follow me, monsieur.

Bobby, boys, we are here.

Because it's bedtime and because I told you to.

For God's sake.

They're in a strange house. We can't blame them.

I know.

When we get our own place, it'll be much easier, eh?

Yeah.

Hey,

come on, you. How about Daddy with you at the bedtime story?

To be honest, I'm quite, you know, down there since Carl have come on.

Yeah, all right, Nadine.

It's the downside of a long -distance relationship, I suppose.

Well, when I came back to Glen, he was never off the nest.

Wait till you were XM, Seal. You never seem to mention him. Oh, he's up north,

Cumbria. Oh, they've got awful strong accents, if they're mine.

Like Danish.

That might use a bit up, because you couldn't understand him like that.

you're not a nosier, now.

Who's for a cake, then?

Oh, yeah, I'll get that, will you, Steph?

Oh, I know me too.

Ta -ha, thanks.

You're nice, aren't you?

What have you got in them? Cinnamon, is it?

Yeah, something like that.

Hey!

Don't give me no advice or nothing.

I just need a cut from my mum.

Oh, Christ.

You're having a fun, all right?

Hurry!

Mike.

Oh, hello.

What a start we are.

Yeah,

of course you are.

I'm just getting a takeaway.

Come and join us, if you want.

Who's this?

Stella's ex -boyfriend.

All right, mate.

And Carl, Stella's ex -husband.

You're Carl?

Aye, crazy Carl.

So, you and me, you got something in common, like? Both been to the same

like, just at different times of the year.

All right, Carl, my mother's not a holiday inn, Jesus.

That's not his fault. I mean, your mum split that.

Yeah, actually, it is. Yeah, it is, actually.

Why? What happened?

He decided he wanted to go back to his ex -wife, so he dropped my mother like a

hot stone and rented his house up to my sister and her married man and her

boyfriend. Who married man?

Didn't you know? Your Emma's shacked up with Marcus Jensen.

Oh, the hairdresser?

Yes.

Oh, fuck me, Kerry!

Oh, Carlton!

It's nothing you can do about it tonight.

Come and have a curry and calm down.

Are you coming in or what?

No, I can't. Jan's waiting for the food.

Hey, get him to deliver.

Look, the guy's offering you a vindaloo.

Don't kick your back in his face, is that?

Last time I felt like this was Glastonbury 19.

19.

19. 19.

Why is the number 20 called 10 teen?

It sounds like 10 teen if you say it quickly.

10 teen.

20 teen.

I'm 19.

And me.

Fuck off Nadine, I'm not 19.

You're a lady.

You went to Glastonbury? Yes.

And Nebworth.

Oh. Respect.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I love this joke.

Are we stoned, Bren?

Absolutely mashed, Marge.

I think marriage is overrated, my love.

Ah, me.

Ah, me.

You've never been married, man.

I was once, in Monte Carlo.

By accident.

I've made an absolute hash of things your mother did.

Ah, here, here.

You have.

You have.

But I don't really know what to do about it. I reckon the Arabs have got the

right idea, see?

What's that, bud?

Have as many wives as you like.

No favours, just treat them all the same.

That way, everyone's happy.

So, you'd be happy, would you, Carl, if Marcus Chadson stayed married to his

wife?

I've had your Emma's bit on the side.

What?

Alan, you're a genius, bud.

Where are you going?

Oh, my God, the hairdresser.

I've got to go talk to Star.

I've got to go help the hairdresser.

No!

The more confidence, the more older you get.

Yep. And more expensive.

Stella!

My girl.

Johnstron! It's a gentleman.

Stella, I want to ask you something.

Are you drunk?

Totally. Been on the tag, hasn't it?

Really? Stella, I've worked it out. I have found a solution to our problem.

Dad!

Johnstron! Come out and show yourself.

Christ, Carl, it's Jensen, mate.

What are you doing?

Defending your honour.

What?

What the hell's going on?

Stay out of my daughter, bitch.

Oh, my God.

You're an idiot.

What?

What?

Right, I'm going to bed, because some of us are getting married in the morning.

Come on, I only ate them once.

Right down, man. Ciao, boys.

So,

you were saying?

What I was saying is, why can't you and I sort this out between us? I mean, why

do we have to stop seeing each other?

It's your decision, Prash. I know, but it doesn't have to be this way.

Would you do me the honour of becoming my... ...secret lover?

What? Come on, it'll be fun.

It'll be sexy.

You're actually asking me to be your bitch on the side?

I don't know.

I just hate us being apart like this. I really miss you.

Let me stay tonight, please.

And what happens tomorrow?

You go back to Jan, do you?

Stella.

Morning.

Go on, in we go.

Jesus, your father gave him a black eye. I know, I'm sorry.

He doesn't belong in your tabby little world. Shut up, I'm not tabby. Brawling

in the streets now, is it?

What are you turning him into?

Emma, get in the car.

You do realise?

You are destroying this entire family, don't you?

You look really cool.

Thanks, how do you?

We all do. I look really cool.

Save the charm, Chichester boy.

What?

I've got to go warm up.

How does Aunty Brenda know about Chichester?

Sorry, I told Mum.

It's not definite. We're just going to look at her house tomorrow, aren't we?

Apparently.

We'd better go in.

See you tonight.

But Marcus was awful.

The look on her face.

I thought she was going to hit me.

It'll get better. Yeah.

You keep saying that.

You really ought to be here by now.

Is this okay?

Fuck.

You look incredible.

You don't look so bad yourself.

Better ring Daddy and say we're walking.

otherwise we'll miss our own wedding.

Please be seated.

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Luke Kenneth Morgan

and Zoe Annabel Stewart.

I, Zoe, take you, Luke, to be my lawful wedded husband.

To have and to hold from this day forward.

For better, for worse.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

Till death us do part.

Till death us do part.

Guys, tell them to run away.

Guys, run.

I know where they're going.

you other numbers out. You know, Elvis, The Beatles.

Don't push you, Lactite Davis.

Your dad and my mum are so annoying.

Why do they have to make it so complicated?

Because parents are like small children.

So maybe they need a bit of help.

I don't know.

Mediterranean cruise.

Which means we can take the kids.

It's really kind of in my fair play.

And, ma 'am, we've decided on a name for the baby.

Not Brenda.

Yeah, right.

We're going to call her Sophie.

Sophie.

Sophie Della Morgan.

I think it was a huge success.

Apart from the fact the bloody driver never turned up.

You have now.

I hope you've got a good excuse, Daddy Simpson, because your antics nearly cost

us the whole gig.

You know, you're actually pretty manly when you're right.

Ever thought about straying over to the other side of the street like?

So the other driver was naked?

Yes, that would put him on.

Absolutely disgusting.

Why is it a real comedy?

I don't know.

Dad.

Hi.

Nice day?

Yeah, it was amazing.

Even Ben's speech wasn't that lame.

Ha, ha.

Okay, shall we head off? Mum's expecting us. At least start tomorrow.

Go on.

Say it.

What?

Dad, I know you meant well in everything coming back to live with us.

But let's be honest, it's been a bit of a disaster.

I'm trying my best.

You're meant to be with Stella.

KP up. She's right, Michael.

I thought you wanted us to be a family again.

What she wants is for you to be happy.

That's exactly what your mother said, Ben.

She's so annoying, my mum.

Because she's always right.

OK, everyone.

I hope you've all got a drink in your hand.

Because I want to drink a toast to the most important person of the day.

Is that me, Beth?

What are you eating for?

Cheers, Carl.

I can always rely on you.

Zoe, you turned my life upside down, back to front and inside out.

And I want to thank you for making me the happiest man alive.

I love you.

Friends, family, please raise your glasses.

To my beautiful wife, Zoe.

Right,

my turn now.

This is called I Carry Your Heart by E .E. Cummings.

Go home, Michael.

Pack up your posh car and your sham of a marriage and get a lot of...

Chichester or Peffington or wherever the hell it is, because as far as I'm

concerned... You and me are

finished. And the bed of the bed, and the sky of the sky of a tree called

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

I carry your heart.

I carry it in my heart.

sandwiches for the journey. She wants to know if you'll eat corned beef.

Yeah.

Stop looking at me like that.

Michael! Yeah, I'm coming.

Katie just texted me.

They're leaving in half an hour.

So?

So... My life won't be worth living if you stay this miserable for much longer.

Look, Ben, it's complicated, all right? No, it's not.

You love him, Mum.

Stop being such a girl.

Apparently there are major hold -ups on the M4 at Reading.

Right. So we may need to divert.

OK.

You don't mind driving, do you? It's just I'd rather it if you know what I...

Michael?

What's wrong?

Have you forgotten something?

Yes.

I'm afraid I have.

Friday night, I'm going nowhere.

All the lights are changing, green and red.

Turning over TV stations, situations running through my head.

Looking back through time, you know it. Oh, you're joking me.

Yeah, all right. Do you think I want a breakdown, moron?

You're blocking the road.

Would you like me to get out of your way?

No, I wouldn't.

In fact, I'd prefer it if you never got out of my way ever again.

OK?

OK.

I've been an idiot.

No, I've been an idiot.

No, I've been an idiot, and I called myself it first, so... I called myself

second, so...

And if you want it, come and get it.

Crying out loud.

You like that?

Yeah. Found you intact there.

How'd you feel about the Melvin puppy?

Worst idea I've ever heard. Let go of your heart.

Let go of your head.

And feel it now.

Let go of your...

let go of your head and feel it now let go

of your heart let go of your head and feel

it let go of your heart let go of your

head and feel it

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