Original subtitles

Give me your buses, I'll give you my knowledge.

You're a difficult woman to turn down, Eddie Brenda.

He's very keen to put things right, Zoe. You're wasting your time.

I've got you a little spot.

We have been nominated for Salon of the Year.

The awards will take place next week. Oh, get over yourself, man.

It's like living in some drug -induced production of Under Milk Wood.

She smiled.

Subcutaneous injection is administered way on the anatomy.

I know this one. I do.

They were so not meant to. It's my test.

Just below the epidermis.

Oh, my God, you're right.

When do you turn into House MD?

That's the Dean and Blubberbusters, that is. According to her, body knowledge is

power. If you don't know what's what, you don't know which bit's getting fat,

see?

Glad you're joining us, Del.

You might actually like it.

No, I won't. Knowing that Dean bloody Bevan Barking orders at me.

That's usually there to help.

And you did say you was worried about getting fat.

Yeah, cos the HRT, not cos of biscuits and burgers.

Oh, I don't realise how mental it is, Al, having your hormones messed with.

I'm turning into a dirty old woman, bluffing after every fella I see.

Well, not you, obviously.

Cheers for the lift -out.

Really kind of you.

No props.

It's just got a two -pound.

Mate's rate, isn't it?

Hey, what's my brief doing here?

Jan! Jan!

Jan!

Jan, I name it.

You don't say.

Ah, she's good as gold.

Jan!

Moving in here.

Sorry, do I know you?

Alan Williams.

I'm your client.

Oh, of course.

No, Katie's just spending a few days in her father's new place.

They like to have their stuff, don't they?

Yeah, you never told me he moved in next door.

He's really annoying.

Guess what, isn't he, Ned? Michael Jackson? Yeah, Michael Jackson.

Very angry man.

Bit of a hottie, mind you. I'll give him that.

Toodlepip. Yeah.

Hiya.

Bella. Hi.

Wow, starting a library, are you?

GCSEs in a few weeks, lucky me.

Oh, she'll be fine. She always is.

Here's my pride and joy.

This is Ben.

Ben's been grounded for two years.

Grounded for what?

Nothing. Smoking.

Yeah, smoking for a moron.

That's grunt, that is. But whatever.

I speak it fluently these days.

That's everything.

Anyway, nice meeting you. Right, well, I'll be off. Bye, darling.

Bye. That's right, off you go. In your lovely big car.

She used to be mine.

You made me look a right div in front of that girl.

I go in my room.

Do not disturb me. With pleasure.

But don't you disturb me neither, good boy, because I've got revision.

Are you fresh?

To me, Audit Ben actually used to be a nice little boy.

He's never been nice.

Any luck down the job centre?

No.

Right, well, if you need me, I'll be revising.

If you need me, I'll be smoking.

Hi, I'd like to book a prison visit, please.

For tomorrow?

Yeah, to see Lanny Mac.

I like my town with a little chocolate.

Poison.

Nobody knows.

They're lining up to go insane.

I'm all alone.

I smoke my friends down to the filter.

But I feel much cleaner after a drink.

You there? Oi!

How did you get there?

Got my own little VIP exit and I bat. So next door's that deck.

Been using it for a few weeks.

Bit tricking how the posh bloke's moving like.

But old Benny voice slick.

What are you talking weird for?

Oh. Yo, Ben!

You coming?

Nah. Suit yourself.

Same then. Tell him midday sharp.

I'm expecting a lot of supply and demand.

Ta -da. Oh, Auntie Bren. This thing haven't stopped.

I got the what to call tomorrow recruitment doodah. Yeah, and you know

looking for work, don't you?

I know, kid.

What have you a life become?

No job, living in sin.

Even your own father have abandoned you.

Twice. Anyway, I was thinking, you know, I'm a good driver.

Over 25.

What do you reckon to me working for Brendan, butthead?

I reckon it could work.

You were family, after all. And in my book, family means everything.

Thanks. Turn up tomorrow, let's give it a whirl. You deserve a wash in them if

anyone does.

One thing.

The insurance might be an issue because of my...

Background. Don't you worry about the insurance, good boy.

Me and Mandy have very claims like that.

Nice one.

I'll tell you later.

It's a bit bare, but... Don't worry, I will sort it. Get this curtain pole up

no time. I did actually manage to keep the drill in the door, so...

God's sake.

Don't hammer those.

I'll get that.

You make some coffee.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Look, I know you... I've got anger issues, my friend told me, but I just

bit of peace, OK?

What friend? One minute it's your music, next it's your bloody drill.

I could report you to the Council of Annoyed Pollution.

Yeah? Well, go on, then, because if you report me, I'll report you.

Who to?

Environmental health.

By my last calculation, there are at least four adults, three children and a

inhabiting your home. It's like living next door to a bloody refugee camp.

that you could sink my father a week Tuesday gone, Bobby Gibson.

And we still haven't sank him yet.

Disgusting. Actually, Bopper Boyce, I think you'll find I said that date might

have to be flexible.

You're nine days over.

Any more flexible and she'll be doing backflips.

Yes, thank you, George.

And quite by all year, I don't know.

We buried her on Peril Fair and Square last week, as I recall.

Very true.

Cremda? Aye.

And we're still waiting for the ashes. Now, where is she? We've got the office

telephone. Great.

Don't worry, I'll get it.

Disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Now, where is she? How much are we touching up days in here?

Here you go.

Clean bum and everything.

Yes, I love it. There'll be one in his bunny rabbit.

Oh. Special delivery.

God, if it's not another final demand for the electric.

I swear those quarters come round every three months.

No, it's TUM.

Mm. You going blubber busted tonight?

Yeah.

Why else? Do you think I'm having no breath?

I'm on a diet today.

What for?

Why? Well, because they say a dress and a water and that.

Gents are up for sale under the year, Jack. And I want to look nice and thin

my dress.

Thin is not nice, Emma.

Svelte is nice.

Oh, that's what I'm aiming for.

Svelte.

And lies.

Everything all right, then?

It's my decree absolute.

Me and Sun are...

We'll have a full -on divorce, won't we?

I'm going to work.

It's fine.

We should never get married in the first place.

Daddy? Excuse these. Nobody knows how hard it is to maintain a demi -wave like

mine.

You better come in.

Jesus, Jacob.

Oh, bollocks.

Oh, bollocks. Bollocks! Bollocks!

Bollocks!

How

come

you've got so many dead bodies? Covered in muslin.

It's Muslin.

And that flunky Fusen, for your information, Ponteberry's foremost

player, as was.

We're awaiting an extra long casket.

What about him, then?

Look, all I come to say was maybe I could lighten your lord a little.

You?

Lighten my lord?

Over my dead bodies.

Don't say I never tried.

Executed, isn't she?

I wouldn't go as far as to think. Genuine silver finish on this, that is.

Well, no, it's not going to be genuine silver, is it? I'd make the cost

prohibitive. Well, when I say genuine silver, Mr. Jackson, I mean genuine

color.

Don't you sue me for mis -selling a vehicle, now, do I?

Still, I can see you're taken by it.

Go on.

Touch her.

Feel her curves.

I don't know.

To be honest, I really do have a preference for German engineering.

Why didn't you say so, son? There's a German engine in this.

And the exhaust pipe and taillight come off a VW, come to think of it.

So she's practically pure Aryan.

Hey, Mikey.

Nice touch.

Very eco -warrior.

Taxi for Braxton?

I'd like to see your badge, please.

Oh, I know, you might be one of them illegal mini -cab rapists.

Or a con man. But you booked me.

Right, well, I'll take your word for it, then.

Three millers closed, please.

And don't take the bypass, cos it's longer, not shorter.

I've timed it. There's a £1 .50 difference on the fare.

Can't beat a bit of spandau, can you, eh?

It reminds me of when I had more years in front of me than behind.

And here.

Doing anything nice today?

Not really, no.

I'm on for Brenda's birthday, I am.

Recruitment day.

I'm not like the taxis, don't get me wrong, but you can't beat a bit of

variation.

I'm paying you to drive, not dribble.

But I couldn't know where to put them.

Oh, please, boys, give me a chance.

No. No returns, my friend.

Cashback vouchers. Or air miles.

It's not... They're binhams, I know.

But I can't very well bury them if I haven't got the manpower to do it.

What's going on?

People can hear you all over the hospital.

Stay there. All right,

boys. Thank God you're here. They won't take this club back.

I'm inundated.

Overwhelmed. It's like land of the dead back at Simpson's. Dad and he broke a

hip. There's more than falling over Lanky Susan from my slash.

All right, calm down a minute. Barry, Rhys, isn't there nothing you can do?

No,

you've got to keep up. We had a deal.

But I can't!

I'm sorry.

He's just very... Hungry, childish.

Corn?

There you go.

Keep change.

Really?

You put your foot down. I admire that in a cabbie.

Now watch my planters when you turn around.

Oh, thank... How I love you.

It's my resignation, it is.

Sorry, it's on lavender paper. I've run out of light.

No,

it's no use!

I buggered us up by taking too much on, so it's time I fell on my sword for

Simpsons.

To the far, far better thing I do today than I have ever done before.

Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives.

Too late!

I'm gone.

And let that be an end to it.

Sold

a

Vauxhall Vectra this morning to the Michael Jackson.

Not the dead singer.

The solicitor is.

So? So, he's a proper legit professional, he is.

Like Judge John Deed or Bergerac.

Who's Bergerac? Right, listen up, everybody.

Tom Evans.

Yep. Marley Evans.

Yep. Peter Evans.

Yep. Luke Morgan.

Yep. Yamto Beep.

Yamto Beep.

Oi, are you here then, or what?

I come with you, aren't you, Brenda?

That don't buy you no privileges, good boy.

Or extra biscuits.

You've had your allotted one.

I thought I made that clear. One biscuit per person.

Aye, I haven't had none. I'm honoured, are you? Oh, can I have yours?

No. Not late, am I?

Yes. All right, everybody shut up and go in the cabin.

On lunch? Tell me about it.

All right, Jack?

I'm worried about this morning.

Emma, going off like that.

No, that's fine, Stella.

Divorce is a very tender subject.

Much like fox hunting.

And Botox.

Anyway, have you got any bananas? Only I couldn't see any out there.

There's plenty.

They must be hiding on you, the bastards.

Come on.

And so today is all about helping us...

To help you. Basically, there's going to be a load of tests, fail them, and

you're out. Now, my daughter Vivienne Beer is going to be the guinea pig

passenger, God help her.

And as senior partner, the final decision will, of course, lay with me.

Or me.

Right, let's get started.

Or me.

Oh, I could have sworn we had some left.

It's all right, I'll leave it.

Between you and me, I think Tanisha eats them all.

So don't tell Uncle Jack I said so.

Oh! Ha -ha!

Oh, I knew it!

They're ex -display, but they'll do the job. Thanks.

Are those your last ones?

Afraid so.

Their lady has beaten you to it.

Take them.

They're ex -display.

No, it's fine. I'll have an apple. No, really, I'm not having you accuse me of

being greedy. I've changed my mind. I don't want a banana. For God's sake.

We're all happy, aren't we?

Visiting will end in five minutes.

You've been so beautiful, Zoe.

What do you want, Len?

Second chance.

I'm not with you, I'm with Jack.

I know what I've done was stupid.

I was a total idiot.

Don't give me the I've changed bullshit.

No, of course not, but... Listen, I...

I just want to see my son before he gets to Alden and he forgets who I am.

I want him to forget you, Len.

When were you ever a proper dad?

You don't deserve him.

I know.

Lucy's proper dad now, I suppose.

Yeah. I'm just the donkey who prattled about with him.

Made a little fellow laugh, though, didn't I?

I've done this for... ..a bedtime story.

And you're going along, you're going along, you're going along, you're going

along, and sharp right bend on the road!

Too fast!

Where's the on on you?

Never mind the on!

Slow down, man!

All right.

And you're going along, nice easy speed, picking up momentum.

You're going along, you're going along.

And then, bang! Emergency stop!

Well, I wasn't expecting no emergency stop. Well, that's why it's called an

emergency stop.

And look what have happened to you, passenger.

Tossed forward on the ground like a useless rag doll.

All right, don't make it, Vivienne. Get up, man. He never even blew the horn.

He's steering the bus with a mop.

Why do we even call it a bus? It's a load of tears.

a joke.

Right.

Quickfire round. Possible scenarios.

Raise your hand if you know the answer.

Die.

Okay. You're being held hostage by a gun -toting pensioner. How do you react?

Punch her.

Shatter on the door. No.

Bring your own gun.

No. Do whatever she tells you in order to get everyone safely off the back.

Correct answer.

But keep them hands on the wheel, son.

restricted. Now do something.

For God's sake, give me mouth -to -mouth, man.

Just go for it like an old bee or what you call.

Oh, you can't do that, but she's family, man.

It's not right.

I'll take this one for the team.

Oh, I'm glad you could meet me, Press.

I've been thinking about her all morning.

They're going round and round in my head.

Thing is, it made me feel like a bit of a failure, Rav, ma 'am.

We were only married five minutes. It's shaming.

See, I reckon this divorce could be the making of you.

What are you on about?

Well, look at me.

When Rob went, it was awful, wasn't it? You were right, ma 'am. I know.

But thinking about it now was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Well, again, you're heartbroken.

Yeah, he did me a favour, in fact.

Because once he'd gone, how could my life ever go back to how it used to be?

Something had to bloody change.

And so she became a nurse.

Exactly.

Now, rice cake, cottage cheese, right?

Gross.

Or an extra play banana.

Hard one, that was.

You know, it's sad about you and Sonny that it never worked out. He was a

boy.

But let's face it, you're doing a job you love.

And it probably wouldn't have happened if you two were still together.

It's a good thing we don't know how life's going to turn out, isn't it?

You're telling me.

Wouldn't bother getting up in the morning if we did.

OK, people, well...

Like Dermot, I've got to be the bearer of bad news. We've got to be the bearer

of bad news.

Now, as you know, there's only two jobs going, and so, without further ado,

I can announce that... Alan and Yaddo have got the jobs.

Yes! But I've done better than them in all the tests.

I know, love, but like you said, your criminal record's going to cripple my

premiums. I checked it with Mandy. It's a total no -go.

But I'm your nephew.

Oh, come on now, Luke. Since when have us Welshies ever gone in for nepotism?

Surely your daddy's got to say, is it?

All right, Jack.

Listen.

What it is, I'm going to tell you a story, like, for your bedtime.

So, once upon a time...

there was this caterpillar.

Well?

Nah.

Even my own auntie won't give me a job.

Well, she'll have me to contend with tonight, I can tell you. Ma 'am, please

don't say nothing.

It's humiliating enough as it is.

I can go to my room.

Do not disturb me.

I'll get the tea on.

I was thinking, now that I've got a car again... Using the term loosely.

..that maybe we could go somewhere tomorrow night. Bowling or cinema?

Cinema would be good. I went bowling with Mum and Andy the other day, so...

you? Yeah.

Do you often, you know, do things, family things, with Andy, then?

Yeah.

Good.

That's good.

Not really.

You do know he's an absolute wanker, don't you?

I'm sorry, Stella, but Di's decision was final. You know me. I'd have taken him

on in a flash. But Di's the senior after him, and I got about to his

watercolour. You felt Luke was a liability, didn't you, Di?

Yeah, you said.

Hey, don't be putting the blame on me.

before we start this week's exercises, can I just say a big welcome to our

newest and youngest member.

Give it up for Lil' Alan.

Okay.

Legs in the air, everyone.

And don't forget, everyone, when we get tempted, what do we do? Five big

breaths.

Is it Blubberbuss? Is it Lena Lloyd?

Oh, Nadine Bearburn. I took over the concession while Lena's having her band

fitted. And we've just finished, by the way. But it said Seven Sharp on this

leaflet. That's an old one.

Here's the new one. All the right time. Oh, can I have one of them when you lost

mine? No. What do you think I am, made of leaflets or something?

Great. Not an hour of my life. I won't get back.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh,

it's then mine.

All right. I'm going to have you pick them up, then.

Oh, it's you.

A tie for my scarf, by the way.

I thought you'd stolen it.

No. Are you working? Because I'll need a lift home now.

Well, I finished the day, but I'll still take if you want.

I'm taking you back, aren't I, Steph?

Me three.

One pound fifteen, eh?

Two pounds.

No, thank you.

I'm not looking for charity.

I'm looking for a taxi.

Hey, Bob, I just texted you. What, is that why you're resigning?

You are.

Dovey? It takes a big man to admit defeat.

I should have done it ages ago.

Do you want to talk about it?

Sorry, I can't stop.

Going somewhere?

Your mum's calling you.

How'd you get here?

It's OK for you to break into ours last night, but not the other way round.

No, it's fine.

Honest.

Got any smokes?

I thought smoking was for morons.

I lied.

I only got papers and backie for the solid to roll.

For you, maybe.

I didn't realise.

Help yourself.

Katie tells me you're bowling with Andy.

Yeah.

Andy got seven strikes.

Look, you're moving too fast for her, Jen. It's not fair. How often does he

sleep over?

It's none of your business.

Katie is my business.

Well, for your information, Katie happens to like Andy.

She told me he's a wanker. Andy is not a wanker. Someone mention my name? Yes,

they did.

Wanker. You behave like a bloody child. That's my mug.

It's my bloody mug.

Stop it, you two. You're behaving like children.

Michael!

Oh, my God. Are you OK?

It's not my fault.

Shut up. Go and get the birthday kit.

Swearing, fighting, puking, punching, stabbing, crying, hanging and jabbing.

Welcome to A &E.

Otherwise known as the front line.

I'm just glad I'm training Krav Maga.

That's an Israeli martial art.

Way tougher than Taekwondo.

Right, Tom, go get our first victim.

Hey, now.

Four guests.

I'm only back to clean up my desk.

I left a lot of glitter pens.

And a ball of last sticks, if memory served me right.

One milky tea.

Coming right.

Is this good? I've been in.

Oh, really?

And how exactly does it look, Daddy Simpson?

Listen, Bobby Jean.

Things are awful slow over at Thomas, Thomas Evans and Thomas.

And Thomas.

So here I am, going to assistant.

If you'll ask me.

What?

You're right.

Okay, people.

Mr. Michael Jackson.

Deep cut to the nose caused by a china mug.

Stella, what do you see?

No, I can't. Sorry. Excuse me?

I've got to declare an interest. He is my next -door neighbour and we seriously

don't get on, so... She's right about that. Whoa!

Stop right there.

Listen up.

There's going to be times in your career when you've got to treat people you

don't like, people you hate even, lowly, despised, a bore.

Detest? Detest.

You just grit your teeth, grab your gear stick and get on with what needs to be

done. Because this is an hospital, not a social club.

And there's sure as shandy ain't no room for squabbles when someone's life's in

a balance.

Now clean him out.

Next award, platter glamour. Go down, Dad.

Why are you all laying out here? You should be inside. Come on.

Where's Collette, too?

She's not well.

Traveling paradise, eh? Shut up.

Ooh, how about the new Quentin Tarantino?

Good call.

They even know you look like you're an acquaintance.

Ha -ha.

Cos they're all fresh.

Unless they've been suffocated by car fumes.

Right, I just seen him go out. Him and her next door.

So?

So, now you can show me the VIP exit.

And then I might come tagging.

Maybe, if I feel like it.

OK.

Who's here to collect the award on Melanie's body?

There's something very sexy about a man who did a wearing there, Anne.

Shush, man. I'm only saying, if a man can do a French pleat, who knows what

he can do with his fingers?

Eh, Marcus?

I think you've had enough now.

I think I'll have to make it tonight, innit?

What was that migraine, was it?

Don't be so bloody naughty.

Is he going to be so proud of you, mind, winning that?

Is she?

Isn't she?

Okay, the next one's a biggie. It's Salon of the Year.

And the award goes to Ponsonberry's finest,

Jensen's.

Jensen's is run by husband and wife, Marcus and Craig Jensen.

We've set up the salon in 2003 and haven't looked back since then.

He's welcome to the stage. None other than the dresser of the year himself,

Marcus Jensen.

Up for his second award of the night.

Thank you.

Well, two in one night. It feels a bit greedy.

But I'd especially like to thank all the staff at Jensen's. Go, Marcus, go!

And unfortunately, Colette can't be here tonight, but I'm sure that she would be

thrilled.

And I'd just like to say... Johnson's fucking rocked!

Oh, I'm in for once!

Hey, I've

got an Asda bag in the back if you want it, you know. Oh, thanks, pal.

Yeah, there we are.

Mama Killiff, she goes home like this. I'm not surprised.

I should cover it.

I love you, Mark. I do, men.

He's proper lucky, isn't he, Al?

Go home, Amy.

You're drunk. Watch your head.

Come on, you dress.

Cheers, mate.

Sorry about all that.

She's lucky to have you as a friend.

You're lucky and all.

It's the South Wales Valley's hairdresser of the year.

It'll be all right, you know.

Whatever it is.

Thanks. Thanks.

Safe journey.

Where are we going?

We're going home. I told you not to get out of this house.

I love this house.

Oh,

shut up now. I'm driving.

Michael, that's me.

Just thought you'd like to know who we want.

And I'm on my way home now.

Hope you're not still angry with me.

See you.

Come.

What do we do now?

Nothing. This is it.

Really? What do you expect?

Do you think this is it?

Well, it's not her dad, is it? Now, put it down, man.

Well, it'll be nice to get back here.

John, let's get a bloody mechanic round tomorrow.

Give me the sausages.

Give me the sausages.

But I ate them before we were for the journey.

What are you doing up there?

Max?

Sir?

How did you get in here?

I just found your delinquent of a child and his mate in my house. I'm not a

child. Oh, really? Then please explain to me why he was breaking and entering

property.

Ben?

Well? What's going on?

Been a break -in at Mr Jackson's.

Same old times, Mike.

Broken society equals break -in, Britta.

What? Everything all right?

No, actually.

I mean, I would have been well within my rights to have attacked him in self

-defence. Sure, sure, burglar and dumb.

But he's talking about you and Ben.

Bren, really?

Oh. Well, there's another one I did for the slammer in March.

Oh, my God.

Easy.

Sorry,

ma 'am, she's damaged.

Could you stay an hour? The mamma killer, she goes on like this.

Yeah, of course she can. Every other bloody wife and stray's in there.

Easy now, but is it? Can we not do this on the street?

Right, Ben, inside.

Lil' Alan, go with your dad.

As for you, who I do have in my house isn't of your bloody business, but I'll

tell you one thing for nothing.

Everyone who goes through that door is a damn sight nicer than you, you stuck

-up, annoying, binglish bastard.

Oh, and she's a racist, to boot.

Nice.

16 stone at one point. Good God.

And I couldn't cross my legs.

Without further to do, I give you the all -new Simpsons. Roll it.

Do you know what I thought I liked around here? Someone might steal it.

Well, my day couldn't really get much worse. Starting with the watches.

I got D &G, Gucci, Tag.

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