Original subtitles

We kissed. I know. Then we slept together.

What sort of fool does he take me for?

Publicly humiliating me like this.

I had applied to the courts for custody of little Alan. Over my dead body.

That was for lying to me.

And that was for saving our club.

17 across.

Bishop turned on a gas light.

Well, it ends in E, because you got that from hexagonal.

And then... 80 is one of them chemistry thingies, I think, for helium. So that's

a gas.

And then Bishop.

Well, chances are it's going to begin with a B.

Well, the chess abbreviation for Bishop is B, so... Oh, look, it's Blythe.

Because put L -I -T in there.

Because that's what he did, the bishop. He turned on the light, he lit it.

And that's Belle's flight.

Oh. She can do cryptic crosswords.

My life is complete.

Come in.

Breakfast, please.

Lovely. Thanks, Bethan.

Put it on the end of the bed, please.

You all right?

Thank you, please.

That's great. Cheers, Bevan.

Do you want to have it at the table?

No, it's more fun like this.

Yes, Ben.

Yes, there are. There are plenty in the airing cupboard.

OK.

Now, listen, Robert Morgan.

You sound like Aunty Brenda.

Thanks. I have had a lovely time being irresponsible for the last three days.

But I won't have no ironing customers left at this rate, and Ben's probably

grown a beard.

OK, point taken.

But I want to take you somewhere this afternoon.

Oh, I can't. Yes, you can.

Come on, sweetheart.

I'm going back in four days.

And I know it.

I'm going to get one of them crates today, OK, so we can put all this stuff

There's toys in that.

You're so good to us.

What colour do you want?

You choose.

Your sandwiches are in the fridge.

Oh, can't I just get some dinner money?

What's wrong with my sandwiches?

Well, in yesterday's one, you spread mustard in them like it was mayonnaise.

Yeah? Auntie Paula, I'm 13.

I'm not even meant to like mustard yet.

And you didn't put anything else in them.

They literally were mustard sandwiches.

Mam's home today, Benny boy, so things will get back to normal.

Charming. I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, she's like a machine, my mother, when it comes to us

She just knows what to do, like.

Yeah, well, you'll miss your old auntie when I'm gone, I tell you.

Why? Where are you going?

I think it's about time I went home.

Don't you, boys?

Justminder, please tell your father we are completely out of Satsuma.

Dad, Mum says... Just, Linda, please inform your mother that she knows

well I intend on going to the cash and carry later on today.

Well, right, can we just stop, please? Cos it's been going on for days and it's

doing my head in. Well, maybe your father should have thought about that

embarking on an affair with Susan Boyle. Don't be ridiculous, woman.

Hillary's nothing like Susan Boyle. So you admit the affair part?

What? No, of course not. If you two don't sort yourselves out, I'm going to

a circus.

Right. So you pretend you've come to measure my mother.

And I tell you, I've already got a coffin.

And I ask you if you think that's weird, and you say, well, it depends.

Is it Phil Klein or Sartre?

I say leather.

And that really does it for you, so we kiss.

Get in the coffin.

What? No, no, I know, I haven't finished it. I said get in the damn coffin right

now, do you?

No, no, you've got it wrong.

You've got to cool things down a bit, yeah?

It's getting out of hand.

Oh!

Polly. I know. I know I've got a key, but I thought you might have something.

Yeah, well, actually... And you have.

Morning.

Right, well, don't mind me. I'm going to move my stuff into the spare room and

get out from under your feet.

Actually, Jane was just going, weren't you?

No.

I don't want any trouble, and I know I can't stop you wanting a divorce.

But this is still my home, and to be honest, I can't handle sleeping in the

Dallas no more. It's like a cross between a bloody youth hostel and

house for battered wives.

I'm still amused you remember this place.

Well, it was a pretty special day.

I didn't forget.

I just assumed you did.

June the 28th, 1985.

Impressive.

You wanted to wait till your last exam.

I think I thought I'd jinx my results if I lost my virginity before the last

one.

I was terrified, you know.

Me too.

Never. I was.

I thought I'd do it wrong and you'd laugh at me.

Aw, it's quite sweet, really.

You didn't do it wrong, by the way.

Nor did you.

So... Shall we discuss the elephant in the room?

I hate that expression.

All right, I'll be more direct. Shall we discuss the fact that you're flying

back to Canada on Saturday and I've fallen in love with you again?

It's a bit of a mess, isn't it?

Yeah.

Please will you stay?

Oh, I really regret saying that. Don't think I haven't thought about it. So?

Vancouver is an incredible city. Yeah, you keep saying that. But it is.

And I think you'd love it there.

Which is why I've taken the liberty of booking you onto my flight.

I love you, Stella.

So much.

And I want you to come and live with me in Canada.

Thought you'd never ask.

Hey!

Have a nice time?

No.

He's sulking.

Good luck.

Why? What's happened?

Keith and I popped into Blake Hall on the way back.

What's Blake Hall? Oh, keep up, Alan.

It's the boarding school we're signing him up for. They were very nice to him,

they showed him around, but for some reason he couldn't wait to get away. No,

that's because he doesn't want to go there, and nor do I want him to. I'm

it's not about what you want, it's about what's best for little Alan, as agreed

by the court.

I was going to post it, but why waste a stamp?

If you could have his things packed and ready for Friday. I'll be around to pick

him up after school.

Look, the plan is, I'll go out there for a few months, see if I like it, and Ben

can stay with Carl and Nadine.

Isn't that wise?

You'll be all right.

Your daughter's dad.

Then it's the time, then.

You can come out and join her.

Look, aren't you excited for me? Of course I am, you big goose.

But why can't Rob stay in Pontyberry?

Why have you got to be the one who leaves?

He's got no one in Canada.

all your family here and your friends and the dog.

And you've got me.

What am I going to do without you, Stan?

to date, Anne.

Yes, I see.

Not that I can concentrate much after the devastating news about Stella's

immigration and whatchamacallit. I... I goes up with Avery.

Oh, immigration, immigration.

She's off to bloody Canada.

What's an I or an E between friends when your whole family's been decimated?

And I say Avery, I'm afraid with her.

Me too, Daddy.

It's not often we get such opportunities in life.

Mrs Chowdhury.

Oh, bloody hell.

I hear you've been sullying my reputation.

Get out of my shop, you marriage wrecker. My intentions are purely

Nonsense. You were all over my husband like a bag of angry fleas, banging your

tambourine on his leg. Oh, look out.

She's gone into the Welsh.

And now she's in the Punjabi.

I can't tell him. Dad, tell her.

Daddy speaks Punjabi?

And Welsh, so we're in luck.

For goodness sake, where is your dignity, woman? This is well mental.

Find your own man. Keep your hands off my husband.

He couldn't sing anyway.

End.

It's been rolled.

It's a really good course.

Let's ask straight away.

Brilliant. I thought you'd hate the idea.

Why would I?

As long as it makes you happy.

Let's face it, you hated school.

Yeah, well, maybe I've changed a bit.

Great.

Look, I'm not going to apologise anymore or analyse or anything.

I just want to put it all behind us and start again.

You know, I thought I'd be angry.

But I'm not.

Because I thought, let's be realistic.

He's only 18.

You're in your prime.

I mean, you're bound to find other girls attractive.

Whether you've got a wedding ring on your finger or not.

And you know he's exciting and Leah's dead pretty.

You've got to believe me, Em.

She sort of forced me into it.

A girl can't force a bloke to have sex with her.

You've got to want to.

The awful thing is, I just... I've got no respect for you.

What? I just think you're an idiot for what you did.

I mean, I'm brilliant, son.

I'm gorgeous.

I know.

Of course you are. And I always used to love the fact you were different from

the other boys in school.

I am. I am.

No, you're not.

They've put me off you a bit, I've got to say.

Babe, I'll admit, this should be entirely my fault, but I'll do it. Yeah,

right.

It is entirely your fault.

I bet that wasn't easy to say goodbye to.

Hello.

I can't offer you a glass. Everything's been packed.

Weird to think of us both leaving, isn't it?

Cheers.

You know, there's still a part of me that wants it all to go wrong with you

him.

Can't help it.

Funny natural, I thought.

Because if he hadn't have come back, I reckon we would have made a good go of

it.

Do you, though?

Well, yeah.

Don't you?

Sean... No matter how much you said it didn't matter, you'd have always

the fact that we never had kids. Oh, Stella.

I'm being realistic.

And the age thing.

I'd always be ten years older than you.

I could have lived without.

I don't think I could.

You're bloody gorgeous, Presh. Auntie Brenda was right. You're way out of my

league on the looks front.

And I'd have ended up having Botox and fillers and all sorts just to keep her.

That's not true.

You were Katie.

She's got everything going for her. She's your age. She wants kids, I bet.

At least three.

And she's beautiful.

A bit.

You so deserve to be happy, Sean MacAskill.

So do you, Stella Morris.

Just hope you're not making a massive mistake.

Someone find out for me.

And the thing is, you come home for the holiday.

They give you massive holidays in their private schools.

Or I can put on a very comp.

And weekends.

Of course, I come and visit you.

It's mainly a binder, B &B.

They'll treat to me that well.

And of course, you know, your mam and Keith.

They've got more money than me and they'll... They'll give you so much

I feel like I've tried.

I can't fight your mother.

She's got the law on her side.

We could go on a protest.

It's within our sights, Daddy.

Cool head, deep breath. We can win that.

Thank you.

And you.

Daddy?

I think I have been pretty bloody tolerant, actually, David Geoffrey Koch.

Oh, no, she's made a bird, now she refuses to lie in it.

Don't like it when the shoe's on the other boot, do you? Yes, I love you.

am the evil witch, and yes, I now deserve everything I get, but I think it

bit rich to come home on my lunch break and find PC fucking Plod sat there in my

pyjamas. I didn't have nothing else to wear.

I said she could wear it. Oh, and incidentally, sat there in my house a

Frankly, my wages have covered the mortgage for the past ten years.

Yes, Bobby Watt.

I've been ringing you.

Yeah.

I know it's a stupid question, but have you got a decent suitcase? Because I'm

more than happy to buy you one. Sorry, that probably sounds really patronising.

Hey, are you all right?

It's Daddy.

He's dead.

Oh, my darling.

In Tenerife.

Oh, no, not my dad. Daddy.

Jesus, when?

This afternoon.

He was bowling.

Tenpain. Crown green.

How can I come to Canada with you now?

I can't possibly leave Paula.

Dad, his body's back at the parlour now, Pauls.

I've laid him out, but I'm not doing it no more.

All right, mate, all right.

You're too attached, you are. He's too attached, Pauls.

Paula.

I can't do it, Di. I don't think I can even look at him.

Why don't we ask Garrix to do it?

Oh, God forbid, Thomas, Thomas Evans and Thomas.

And Thomas.

Garrix is going nowhere near my father.

All right, all right. Oh, Gwyndalf thought it, Thomas.

It was only a thought.

Paula.

Will you let me do it?

Will you let me prepare your father for his journey to the other side?

The irony of it all, Al.

He's lying in state right now in his own bloody funeral parlour.

Too with the bloody old life.

How's Paula?

Surprisingly calm. She's already sorted the funeral tomorrow at two.

Tomorrow? That's a bit quick, isn't it?

It's all part of the reaction, kid.

Once it's over, as soon as she can. Some people are like that, who don't want to

drag it out.

I tell you, Muslim and who -what -to -call, I've all got the right idea, if

ask me.

And you're off the top, too.

24 hours, bish -bash -bosh.

Aye.

Got a lot to be said for, I suppose.

You going to tell me what's with the costumes, then, Kurt?

My mother wants to send me to boarding school.

So we're protected.

Father suggested.

We tied a thread for the park gates for an hour.

And did it achieve anything?

No.

I don't care.

He should have added bath and everything by now.

So get him back here, all right?

You OK, Pat?

Yeah.

Lenny, you know. Some people enjoy you being a pain in the arse.

Hiya. Hiya.

AM, do you hear about Daddy Timson?

He's dead.

I know, stupid.

How's Paula?

In a right mess.

You coming to the funeral?

Yeah.

Where's Sonny?

No idea.

You know, you can't keep falling out with him like this. You've got to cut

boy a bit of slack.

All right, so he was stupid, but at fifth it was only a kiss.

Move on, love.

Nothing.

It's just then he's not the bloody angel you think he is, ma 'am. And he's not

the devil incarnate, neither.

Oh, come on, love.

Life's too short.

Look at poor old Daddy.

Are you all right in there?

Die.

Sorry, I got it.

Okay, he's in, Paul.

Right.

Is that the lift?

Yeah.

It's Goldwatch.

Check.

Frame photo of my meal.

Check.

Mobile phone.

Check.

I couldn't find a penny, so I put 50p in instead.

It's got to be a penny. It's got to be exactly what it says on its list.

OK, OK, I'll find a penny.

Here you go, here you go.

Take it.

Oh, Paul.

We'll all be rooting for you tomorrow, every step of the way.

Who's doing the address?

Uncle Hugh.

He's a knife, isn't he?

Funny to think a daddy having a twin.

He don't seem the type.

All done now.

Sure you don't want to look at him before I lit him up?

That was delicious.

I'll wash up. Ben, do you want to give me a hand?

Oh, Fetley, you've got him well -trained already.

I've got to tell you, Rob's got a dishwasher in Vancouver.

State of the art.

Mum, are you going to Canada or not? Because I've got to get my eggs on deck.

Oh, I don't know, sweetheart.

There's a funeral, and what about your auntie Paula? Her and Di are still not

right. And what about you lot?

We'll be more than all right.

To be honest, we've lushty in a dad.

What, lusher than you?

No, but Nadine's a pushover.

I definitely think you should go.

And me.

Great. Nice to know you'll all miss me.

I will.

I don't think I could ever get used to not being around the corner.

Oh, Prash.

That'll be landing.

Woo!

All right?

Headed down your moor on your frightening.

So what's that? He likes it.

Don't you?

Oh, evening, Lukey boy.

She getting on your tits yet? You're right. You're not having him again. Oh,

see, you don't decide whether I see my son or not. You're right there, Lenny.

She's done social services to him.

Leave him, Luke.

Just what he wants.

It'd have been a terrible shock, Carl, I won't deny it.

Aye, some people you just think are going to live forever, don't you?

Like Harry Hill.

My mother had an anti -Denbridge end. Lived till she was 107.

She was awful with it, mind.

Well, if we live too cocky long, that's the trouble.

Afternoon. All right.

Magic day.

All right.

Making the most of your last hours together as it could.

What?

His ex -wife is taking little Alan away.

Cold woman, that Melissa.

Half like a deep freeze.

Oh, my God!

Have you seen a ghost?

That's the brother man, Uncle Hugh.

Huh? Identical twins, they are.

It's a cock and a spit.

And here's the start of the show.

So, hold my baggy hand, she said and take me to the land, she said. My

bonny, bitty beggar boy, my life with you is at an end.

Billy was a bad man hanging on a tree over the hills and far away my lover

to meet.

Baggy hand, baggy hand, hold my baggy hand, she said.

Baggy hand, baggy hand, hold my baggy hand, she said.

Billy was a bad man hanging on a tree over the hills and far away my lover

to me.

Thank you, Lisa Howells and Idris, for that beautiful song. I'm sure Daddy

have loved it.

I don't think so.

And now the address read by Daddy's twin brother, Uncle Hugh Simpson.

Thank you, everyone, for coming here today.

I know that my brother was very loved in his community and will be sorely

missed.

I knew my brother for 82 happy years.

He was seven minutes older than me.

And as he was always fond of saying, I

once challenged him about this.

I said, Daddy, don't you think that your calculations are a little exaggerated,

shall we say?

And with a wry smile and a twinkle in his eye, he simply replied, He

said that to me once, the cheeky bugger.

Mysterious, witty, charming, and dry.

Loving father of Paula, of course.

Father -in -law to die?

Friends, let us think not of this as a sad day, but as a day

to rejoice, to remember with love.

I think of a man who touched all our...

Calm down a minute, Chewie.

How could you? How could you be so bloody useless? How many times, woman?

I'm sorry, OK?

But in all fairness to me, I asked you if you wanted to look at him before I

ledded him up, and you said no. Oh, great.

So it's my fault now, is it? I was grieving.

My father was dead.

Oh, no.

I was carrying it with me,

just in case.

OK, let's get Daddy out of the coffin and over to A &E for a check -up. Bobby,

you take Paula and Di home and get a stiff drink down them. I am not going

anywhere with that patricidal wanker. He could have been burnt to a crisp.

I think you're forgetting something quite vital here, Paula.

Daddy's actually alive.

Oh, yeah.

Nice one.

Thank you.

It's really weird seeing the two of them together like that.

Well, the whole day's been weird, let's face it.

Yeah.

So, given that Daddy's no longer dead, and that Paula no longer needs you, and

that the kids are all OK with it, will you and me be watching an in -flight

movie together this Saturday on the 1730s of Vancouver?

It's a date.

Then you better start thinking about packing.

Do

one

need one of these in business class?

That's what I said.

It's from Auntie Brenda. Auntie Brenda, yeah.

Nadine said you'd done your room up all night over your dad's.

I made a calendar thing to mark off the days you were away.

Have you?

Mum, are you going to be all right over there?

In Canada?

Because you've never really been abroad.

Oh, shut up.

I went to Belgium once on a school trip.

And me and Auntie Paula took Luke to Jersey for a week when he was three.

What if you get lost or something?

I ain't thinking about you being lost or scared.

You would ring me, wouldn't you?

Yeah, of course.

Now, you going to have me blow some balloons up for tonight?

You still do for one of them.

My,

that is a big case.

I'm not sure they'll let you take all of that to Blackhall.

Shall we get going, men?

Come on, now.

What did we say?

I don't want to go to bed.

I'm upset.

Don't make a scene, little Alan.

It's easier for everyone if you come quietly.

He's not getting arrested, for Christ's sake. Stay out of this, Alan.

Little Alan, get in the car.

No. Get in the bloody car!

No!

Dad! I don't want to go. I want to live with you. If you make me go, I'll just

run away and I'll come back here. And I'll keep running away and I'll keep

coming back here.

Just like that girl did in the film.

You don't even like me. Nor does Keith.

Keith has never even spoken to me.

Never. Now you're talking utter tripe. Little Alan, I'll say it one more time.

Get in the bloody car. Ow!

That's enough!

Well, honestly, you drive Mother to rave at a distraction.

Melissa?

Little Alan is staying with me.

And if you want to call the police, then you call them. Because I don't care

about the law.

I only care about my boy.

And as far as I'm concerned, you make my boy very, very unhappy.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Any time, Robbie.

I want you to know that I love you, baby.

Oh, beer here, if anyone wants it. I'd want it.

Oh, couldn't I have one?

No.

Honestly, Dad, you should sign up for college and all, it'd be a laugh.

I mean, do you really want to work in a shop for the rest of your life? Oh, you

sound like my dad now.

Yeah, well, maybe he's right.

Not all men are stupid, you know.

Oh, mind you don't turn yourself on that plate.

What about the apron, by the way?

Oh, put it down.

You've got plenty of time for all that when you're traipsing through the

in your Nike boots.

It's not going to be easy.

Lenny's never going to stop trying to mess things up for us.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who hasn't got no complications?

Are you kidding me?

I love your complications.

And I love you.

Do you?

Fuck yeah.

Jack's having a little grizzle press.

You might want to go and check on him.

Thanks. Yeah, I will.

I'll be in now, babe.

Oh.

She's a lovely girl, Lukey.

Yeah, she is.

And a good job I found her, even as my mother's abandoning me.

You don't really say it like that, do you?

I'd never forgive you if you didn't go.

You know you're the best mother in the world, don't you?

Officially.

Do you?

Yeah, I do.

Simon, look what you're doing!

Oh, Simon.

That's expensive stuff, that.

Sorry.

Right, I'm not being funny, but will you two just get your arses in gear and

make up? Quite frankly, we've all had a get -full of your antics for life's too

short. You clearly love him, he clearly loves you. Stop twatting about and get

back together.

Well, get on with it then, Rob Morgan. We haven't got all night.

Well, I know I wasn't everyone's favourite person when I came back in the

summer. Oh, you can say that again.

Oh, shut up. You weren't even here last summer.

But in true Ponterberry style, you all seemed to have shut the door on the past

and made me feel very welcome.

And I'm very grateful to you for that.

The thing is, before, I had no family to speak of.

And now I do.

More than that, more than that, I've got Stella back.

And I really never thought that'd be possible.

So thank you for letting me take her to Canada.

I promise to look after her and to make sure she gets the happiness she so

completely deserves.

To the only girl I've ever truly loved.

To Stella.

Stella. Stella. Stella.

Oh.

Maybe in the dark we would laugh.

Maybe in the end we would cry.

But I believe in every book I ever read.

And watch it then.

And the moon was in the sky.

And the tears that fill my eyes.

And the memories they all had.

But in my head.

She's still walking the dog.

Is she?

You should see her through kit.

It's bulging. You nearly didn't shut.

I think I'll go and find her.

Hey, Walt.

You excited?

Yeah.

I mean, Rob, I can't.

I've lived here so much longer than you.

All the more reason to leave.

All the more reason to stay.

Look, I think I know how you're feeling.

Canada's new and it's frightening, but you've got me and I'll look after you.

When you get out there, I promise you'll love it.

That's what I'm scared of.

Come for a holiday, then.

Why waste the flights? Just come for a fortnight. That's what I'm saying. If I

come out there, even for one day, I'll end up wanting to stay because I love

so much, Rob.

And I see the life we could have had together.

And I couldn't bear that.

I belong here.

Paula's right. Everything I've ever known is here in this stupid, lovely,

annoying, gorgeous place.

My kids, Rob.

My kids.

I'm too old to start again.

I thought I'd won you back.

If you stay, if you move back to Ponterbury, I will settle down with you

become Mrs. Robert Morgan with a happy heart and grow decrepit with you.

Good.

But I can't live here, Stella.

I can't leave here, Rob.

Where is he then?

Where? Where he was yet.

Oh, Rob.

It'll stay there forever, though, will it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it will.

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