Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

Please don't kiss me, Rob. If you kiss me, I don't stand a chance.

No one is taking over our club.

Not now, not ever.

So I get over you now!

You don't own me.

Do not follow me, sir.

You're pathetic.

Do you

want

to stick it in again before I piss off?

My dad will come and get you when you're ready, OK?

Yes, sir. Stop fretting.

You can't blame me. You live with a psychopath.

You used to live with a psychopath.

Hey,

missed you last night, Auntie Paula.

Thought you'd be there, cheering your favourite and everyone.

Are you sure your mum's OK?

You know about us moving in?

Because it's a lot to ask with a baby in there.

Mum loves babies.

It's just she seemed a bit, you know, this morning.

She's all right, is she?

Can I start doing boxing?

Yeah.

Serious? Yeah.

More? No, of course you can't. It'll be ridiculous. Tell him, Lou. You never let

me do anything.

It's not fair.

I let you do a lot more things than most kids, Benjamin Murray.

Like what?

Never you mind.

So long.

So long.

I never knew his full name was Benjamin.

I always thought it was Benson.

As in cigarette.

It's not one of my better ones, I admit, but a smile wouldn't go amiss.

Oh, poor Eve.

Are you worrying about Emma?

Her and Sonny and this Leah girl? Because you know it'll all blow over.

It's your dad.

No, what have you done now?

It was the last night. Did he upset you?

No.

He kicked me.

What happened last night must never be disclosed.

Never. Ever.

Oh.

I always wondered why they called him Big Al.

Now I can't get no... We're not... You know, it's not like that.

I warned you.

You were never safe, my bitch boy.

Hello, Jane.

Cup of tea?

I was doing so well, Luke.

Kept turning him down, putting him off, batting him away like a wasp on a jam

jar. And then he bloody kissed me and I ate him for it.

You don't hate him, do you? Yeah, I do.

Because now I can't stop thinking about him.

And he's swanning off back to Canada next week. What the frig happens then?

I'm left...

Swinging in the berry, weeping like a schoolgirl, just like before.

Maybe he'll stay.

Oh, galaxy will.

Rob Morgan, living round here, do me a favour.

Well, if you feel that strongly about it, maybe you'd better just stay out of

his way till he flies back.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, I will.

He's taking me out for lunch.

But maybe we could do something different.

You know, go to Bristol Zoo or something.

A little day out.

I get you, bitch boy.

And the morals, is it?

Oh, God.

So where are you taking my mother, then?

New restaurant in Cardiff. Thought we'd give her a go.

It did all right, didn't it?

Not too much.

No, it's fine.

Right, well, you make sure you get her home one time, or else you'll have me to

answer to, young man.

You know, that's a bit weird, don't you, talking like that?

Don't tell me what's weird.

My father's dating my mother. Oh, shut up. He's not a date, is he, Rob? He's a

couple of friends eating a bit of fish.

That's exactly what it is.

So long.

Have fun. Yeah, see you.

You look very lovely, by the way.

Thanks.

I've been such a fool, you know.

Running around like a ham bone.

And now Di wants a dog.

This is because I thought for the name.

He's not a quat, Daddy.

Well, he's not much of one anyway. He's just not like it to me.

It's a pretty good name. Oh, I guess so.

You and Mummy fought for your marriage, didn't you?

I did.

Then so will I.

I am going to win my husband back, Daddy.

Whatever it takes.

Do you still miss Mummy, Daddy?

I'm afraid... I'm afraid I'm about to go in.

Not bad, Selina.

I do say so myself.

My application's been turned down.

That's it.

We've lost the club.

I bet you eat in places like this all the time in Vancouver, don't you?

It's got some fabulous restaurants.

Do you not cook in your own kitchen, then?

Sometimes, yeah.

Remember when I used to make us carbonara every Sunday night at your

We tweeted up in your bedroom.

And pretend we were doing schoolwork.

When really we were listening to the Top 40 and shagging.

So,

what

are we doing now, then?

About to have dessert.

No.

I mean, what is it you actually want from me, Rob?

A Ponteberry Ruff, is it?

I suppose more than anything, I want you to forgive me for leaving you.

Oh, I forgave you years ago, Pratt.

Just like giving you a hard time.

And I want you to trust me again.

Hmm. Well, that one is a bit trickier.

Is it?

Okay, anything I ask you, you've got to answer me truthfully, and I'll know if

you lie in. How?

Just the little thing you do with your mouth.

Right, question number one.

Did you or did you not fancy Cara Blake when she wore that see -through skirt to

Jackie Felton's 18th?

Bit top of your mind, thinking they'd give you a remortgage. A taxi driver on

your wages.

Don't matter no more, anyway.

Game's over.

Good God, the game have only just begun.

Ah, what we need is a fundraiser.

Imagine this is Ponteberry rugby pitch.

We mark it off into squares like this and we sell off the squares.

Who took?

Anyone will pay.

It's a community pitch.

We'll sell it back to the community.

It's not legal, though, is it? Legal? Schmigel, we're not really selling it.

It's a token gesture, a gimmick, if you will.

Is that enough?

No.

And that's... where you come in.

We need a game for them to watch.

Pentroog's still your biggest rivals.

Aye. So, let's play on what the Welsh love best.

Brit and tribalism.

Poncherberry versus Pentroog.

It'll draw a crowd and they'll all stick their hands in their pockets.

What do you say, kid?

The Olympics will hold a torch to it, eh?

Don't be ridiculous, Alan.

How could it possibly be anything like the Olympics?

Oh.

I'm talking of Olympics.

I hear you had intercourse with Rhian Evans last night.

All I'm saying is I hope you've had a good wash.

And I don't mean under your arms.

Right.

Final question.

Christ, how many questions are there?

What's really going on between you and Melissa Williams?

We're working together on a project.

Oh, right.

Bloody hell, another rugby pitch.

What? You know, working on the rugby pitch thing with her.

Out of interest. Why would that be so bad?

You want him here?

No. Because surely it would bring a huge amount to the whole valley, and Luke,

it would be really good for him, wouldn't it?

Well, I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

Destroying a whole community just so my son could earn a few quid. You're being

a bit melodramatic now.

Oh, my God, so are you working on it?

No.

I'm, um... We're developing some flats over at Marshfield.

I didn't want to say anything until it was all confirmed.

You do nothing with your mouth.

Talking, I am.

back yet.

Cup of tea?

Aye, go on then.

Bloody hell, I remember that perm.

When I first had it done, I couldn't leave the house for three days until it

dropped.

Didn't Richard Grick have a perm?

No, it was a natural curl.

I don't think he was, you know. Shut up.

What are you doing tonight?

See that pile of ironing?

Come to my hotel.

Don't give up, do you?

Stay with me.

No.

I'm just... I'm hanging on by a thread here, Rob.

Kiffin, you were bad enough. If I sleep with you, then that's it. I'm done for.

But we already have slept together.

I know, and look where that got me.

Come on.

I'll order carbonara and room service.

Oh, thank God for that.

Make the tea, you perv.

Sean! Is this a bad time?

Well, I... Because it won't take long.

When did you get back?

Last night.

I didn't know.

Why would you?

Look, I've got something I want to tell you.

Can I come in?

I've got a visitor.

Is it Rob?

No.

Kettle's just boiled, if you're interested.

Sean, why don't you come back later and... Forget it.

What did you do that for?

No point giving him false hope.

Honestly.

What?

Look, Rob, we both know from the moment you came back to Ponterbury, Sean never

stood a chance.

Did me?

No, he didn't.

So can we drop all this alpha male nonsense?

You won, OK?

Now bugger off back to your cave.

Are you sure you wouldn't like to see my neanderthal drawings?

No, you already said.

Anyway,

you were always rubbish at art.

Oh,

classic. Pete!

Did I leave the seat up? I'm late!

Don't worry, I'll drop you off once I finish it. No, man!

I'm late.

Late.

Whoa.

Serious?

Have you done a test, like?

Because you don't want to make the same mistake Stella did.

Are you sure it's not the menopause?

With respect, Carl, I'm hardly in the same boat as Stella. I'm after age for

starters. And no, I haven't done a test.

We'll do one later, when we've both had a wash.

Oh, yes!

So Emma hasn't spoken to me for almost 48 hours now.

Don't blame her.

What were you doing kissing that Leah girl for, anyway?

I didn't.

She, you know, she kissed me.

You were powerless to stop her, weren't you, mate?

Thing is, the sex is amazing.

Yeah, you're right, yeah. You know, I mean, me and Paul did some outrageous

things in our time, but Jane, she's, well, she's off the rectus, Gilman.

So what are you moaning for?

She's given the phrase, the strong arm of the law, whole new meaning. I am in

constant pain.

Black and bloody blue.

Six more months over there and I'll only be recognisable by my dental records.

Perhaps you should try suggesting something more, er, cerebral.

What's that mean?

Less violent.

Welcome, team, to Operation Thop.

Save our pits.

Yeah!

This Saturday is the last dance saloon.

That's why I've chosen you.

The best of the youth, the first, and the vets.

And our Davis.

It's not just about beating those bastards for Pentroog, sorry, kids.

For saying bastards?

No, for saying Pentroog.

It's about playing like our lives depend upon it. Cos right now, we're the only

hope this club has got for its survival. What?

Oh, Christ.

Rumour has it you stirred your spoon in her porridge, Al.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Hey, Al!

I think I left my brassiere in your cocking bed. I only got the one.

These puppies have been bashing my ankles all day.

So pop it round if you find it.

Oh, my God.

It's Scott Quinnell.

Meet Ponterberry's secret weapon, the legend that is Mr Scott Quinnell.

He owes me a couple of favours, so he's going to get him in tip -top shape for

the match.

Over to you, Scotty.

Thanks, Andy Brenda.

All right, boys?

Yeah! Want to play some rugby?

When you cross that white line, you've got to be nasty.

We have got to be the horrible bastards.

Are you a horrible bastard?

Well, I... Are you?

Oh, nice one. For 80 minutes, we've got to want to kill someone. When I cross

that white line, I have got to become somebody else. Have you ever been

else? John Major, an alien, King Kong.

Shut it, bitch boy.

Just give me the fucking ball.

Scott Quidel came.

Bibs!

Right.

I'll come to the point, Carl.

The test was negative, but I'm turning it into a positive.

I thought we was going to do the test together.

I couldn't wait.

Anyway, if we can't have our own, then we'll adopt.

So I've got this for us to look through, right?

And they're really pretty, the little Chinese ones.

All this Romania, the orphan was like.

Oh, Carmen.

I feel such a bloody failure.

Hey, Dina.

Oh, babes, come here.

What held up?

Presumably with your little scheme.

Well, it's not a little scheme, actually. The whole town was getting

Oh, Alan, bless you. You never change.

Always the dreamer. Don't start on me, Mum.

It's all right, little Alan. We'll wait and see.

My solicitor tells me he still hasn't heard from yours.

Oh, he'll be hearing from mine, all right. Once I've... Once I've... What?

Once I've got one.

Dad, there's no bread.

No loaf in the freezer.

He'll have a binge tonight, thanks to you.

He always overeats when he's upset.

That boy doesn't need an excuse to overeat. What is wrong with you,

You destroy everything.

Little Alan's confidence.

The rugby pitch. Oh, wake up and smell the cement, Alan.

I'm not the only one involved in this project. Who the hell do you think is

building all these bloody houses?

Rob Morgan, of course.

Rob wouldn't do something like that.

Wouldn't he?

A treacherous little get.

Never trapped a Morgan.

Oi. Oi, spielter sack.

What's that?

Fish pedicure. It's all the rage.

With goldfish?

I thought they had to be a special type.

Fish are fish and feet are feet, Dal. And take it easy, I felt two of them pop

like bubble wrap when I stepped in. Oh.

Down.

Now, listen here, good boy.

Pontyberry is revolting.

Beg your pardon?

Up in arms.

This pitch invasion has brought the whole community together.

Use it. Wait until the big fundraising day and then expose Rob Morgan for what

he really is. In front of everyone.

Be the saviour of the rugby club.

And Stella's hero.

Make it a day to remember, Al. You can do this.

Correct. We can do this.

So it is said.

I'm ready.

The boys are ready.

The whole town's ready.

Just one thing.

We need a referee.

And he's got to be impartial.

I know just the man.

Hello, Auntie Brenda.

Cut that, ma 'am. You're not my type.

Do you want to be part of this community?

Do you want to make a difference?

Eh? What do you know about rugby?

Very little.

Then you're just the man for the job.

Oh, what a lovely shape.

I beg your pardon?

The pear is a lovely shape, just right.

Rife.

Juicy.

Yeah, well, I take pride in the freshness of my produce.

I bet you do.

Are you free this Saturday?

It's a massive cause. It's for the community.

Well, as you put it like that, yes, of course I'll be there.

Thank you, Jackie.

Oh, your plans are all so perfect, by the way.

What's so

important

that you can't pop down for a couple of hours?

I'm going to be stood there like a bleeding suffragette. The least you can

come and shake a tin for us.

Stella, you know I only want what's best for you, don't you? And Luke.

Er, yeah?

And I'd do anything for you.

Good.

So, can we show you support this afternoon, then? If you're not there by

-time to peel the oranges, you and me are going to fall out, good boy.

So long.

We keep a welcome in the hillside.

We keep a welcome in the vales. This land of ours will

still be singing when you come home again to live.

Surely to God you and Sonny are speaking by now.

He kissed another woman, ma 'am.

Well, your dad kissed a couple of women when we were together.

You know, drunken snogs at Christmas and that. Sometimes you've got to turn a

blind eye.

That didn't work out. You and dad got divorced.

So? I mean, I don't understand men, the girl.

With the exception of Rob Moulton.

Is he coming down?

He better bloody hard.

He was in a proper funny mood today.

Right.

Save our pitch.

Save our pitch.

After this, you can do my other work.

That'll pop out if it's not strapped.

Chair seam out. Now, let's bandage it onto the garment.

Okay, boy.

I'm proud to lead you out today.

On your feet.

Now, grab a shirt.

Let's give them a spectacle to behold.

Let's get out there and save our pitch.

Ready? On me.

And...

I'm supposed to be the pitch, aren't I?

Carl's idea.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Beryl Rogers from Rogers the Gas have just bought five squares of the pitch

50 quid a throw.

I think she's drunk, but I ain't judging.

Miss Nadine, I know it's none of my business, but I hear you haven't, you

caught, like... How the hell do you know?

I told her.

It took me 18 months to get pregnant with Emma.

Don't beat yourself up, everybody.

I won't act to be honest, Del. Yeah, well, he always did have stamina, did

I'll give him that.

Just try and relax.

It'll happen.

Thanks. Look at her legs on that.

I thought islands were good for them.

Back in a minute.

Best she wishes she never let that one go.

Good luck, mate.

Sean.

Hiya.

Come on, Brian.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Auntie Brenda can be very persuasive.

His wife.

His kids.

Never mind them. It's my knee.

Bobby, get changed. No way.

Yes way, Bobbs. It's for the club.

Oh, Jesse and all his followers.

Give me strength.

Hey,

Lloyd.

It's just supposed to be across the club.

Don't see many vets in your team.

They've all aged well.

What about your youth player?

That's him.

What?

Puberty hit early.

I'm sorry about the other day with Rob and I.

It's been a bit of a shock.

Trust it wasn't.

It's what I predicted.

Oh, look, Sean.

I know how much I hurt you.

I can never be sorry enough.

I didn't come to your house to talk about you, Stella.

Or Rob.

I came round to tell you that I've met someone else.

Got to go.

Ignore them, bugs!

Go get them! Take them from me!

Go on!

Go get them from me! Go get them from me! Go get them from me! Go get them

me! Go get them from me!

Go get them from me! Go get them from me! Go get them from me!

Go get them from me!

Bloody hell, where are you going?

Fishing.

Go,

bitch

boy, go!

What are you doing, calling my dad bitch boy?

It's his pet name.

And he loves it.

Bobby, get in there.

Me? You, in. Come on, bud.

Just a minute, good boy. What exactly do you think you're doing?

Don't be daft, man.

Turn round and show us your cheeks.

I bet your partner's putting up a slap.

We'll have to go for a little celebratory drink after this, Rob.

Deal the deal, so to speak.

Lovely.

And your husband, will he be joining us?

It's not about boring trials.

Stop it! Stop it!

Sorry.

Where were we?

That was when I ruled the world.

Hello?

Where are you?

Well, I'm... I'm in a meeting.

Well, we'll one try up, and I don't want to watch the rest on my own, OK?

OK. Honestly, it's brilliant down here, Rob.

Everyone's behind the whole thing, and we might just do it. We might just raise

the money, and I'd be so bloody proud if we do.

Come and join in.

Be a Ponteberry boy, Rob.

Rob?

I've got to go.

Yeah, OK. Well, did you... Sean?

If it's not too much trouble, perhaps we can continue.

Are you need to sign?

Here.

Two. Three, four.

God, Sonny, are you all right?

I thought we weren't talking.

Stop being a knob.

You pissed me off. Are you still my husband?

Come on, let's get you to the ambulance.

Ah, no.

Just get me to a bar.

Trust me, I'm a trainee doctor.

Over here.

Let's rally our boys. Follow me.

Well,

fancy seeing you here.

Let's go in. No way.

My tooth.

And she's just made a big mistake.

I've come to support Sonny. I don't need your support.

She's got to stop, Leah.

Take it he's told you then, has he?

About us?

Yeah, he has.

We kissed.

I know.

Big fucking deal.

Then we slept together.

No, we didn't.

You're not enough for him, Emma.

He's a medic, what are you?

I mean, if you hadn't got pregnant, do you really think he'd still be with you?

Yeah, I would.

Because she's my wife and I love her. Oh, come on, Sonny, there's no point

pretending anymore.

He's got a birthmark.

On his left thigh.

It looks like a tiny butterfly.

He loved it when I was on top.

And he said we did things you'd never dream of doing.

Not in a million years.

Didn't we?

think I don't know that you're mentalist?

Do you think me and my husband have got secrets from each other?

Well, you've got a lot to learn about marriage if you think that's the case.

Because you told me everything.

Now piss off before I whack you in the chops.

He ran into me.

Ben, you all right, man?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Hands off my son, butch. Crazy car, yeah.

Come, come down.

Calm down. I'm the captain.

Leave it to me.

What the hell are you doing?

Thanks. We will, we will rock you.

I'll let you produce shit in one time.

Yes, sir. I suppose I am.

Nice to be in clubbing love, isn't it? We will, we will rock you.

Party or a boy, make a big noise. Playing in the street, gonna be a big

someday. You've got mud on your face, you big disgrace.

Picking your can all over the place. Sing it. We will, we will rock you.

What sort of fool did he take me to?

Why are you humiliating me like this?

Keep your hands, but I can see them, please, lovely boy.

Get showered.

Get dressed.

And get home.

I've got plans for you.

How did I do?

I was impressed.

So, who is she then?

Katie. She's Australian.

Wow. She's asked me to go to Sydney with her.

For holiday?

For good.

Wow again.

I just need to know you're happy.

I need to be sure that there are no regrets.

Are you happy?

You're the one that was messed around.

I've survived, haven't I?

Evidently.

Stella, Rob's always let you down.

How do you know he's not going to do it again?

Because he's proved himself over the past few months.

I hope you're right.

I was just about to give up on you.

Oh, don't ever do that.

Listen, I'll be there in half an hour.

I'll get you a little shandy in.

Stella, I've got something I need to tell you.

Go on.

No. It has to be face to face.

OK.

I look forward to it.

Please, Anne.

How can I say sorry to you from the other side of the bloody door?

Come on, babe.

You're my girl. You know who you are.

I'm... I'm

fine, game.

No doubt about it.

And in years to come, I'll be able to see.

I was there.

You were there?

I heard you in the back of the St John's ambulance for most of it.

Yeah, but I've done enough.

I couldn't go through that again.

I can't feed my legs.

If I tear my neck, everything goes black.

Oh, there we go again.

Silence,

everyone.

Aunty Brenda, I've finished the count.

Everybody have given their most.

The whole of Ponte Verde have dug deep.

Even George the Butcher.

Nobody could ask any more of a community.

Come on, Annie Brenner, did we make it?

Not even close.

All things being a complete waste of time.

We shot by ten grand.

Ah, well, what a pint.

We may as well just all kill our withers and go home.

I'll give you that ten grand.

What?

I'll ask Rob Morgan for it.

Well, that won't do any good. I've already tried.

Yeah, but I haven't.

And he'll do anything for me.

Go on, Stella.

Go on, Stella.

Stella.

It's Rob who's building the houses.

What? Bollocks.

Melissa told me.

I wanted to keep it from you.

No.

No, you're wrong.

Him and Melissa are working on something, yeah, but it's some flats

Marshfield. Isn't it, Luke?

I don't know nothing about any flats at Marshfield.

Yeah, that's cos there aren't any. I'm sorry, love, for Alan's right.

It's Rob Morgan who's behind it.

Behind what?

Well, look who the cat have dragged in.

You. You've got a nerve showing your face in here. Goodbye, you... You Judas!

Turning up from California with your fancy clothes and swanky cars and

Canada, mate. Canada?

Can I just say something?

Look, I genuinely thought that this development was a good opportunity.

Yeah, for you, maybe. No, for a lot of people, actually.

Someone told me recently that I'd been away from here for too long.

I think they were probably right.

I knew that this rugby club meant a lot to you all.

I just didn't realise quite how much.

And so, I'm sorry.

Well, fine words butter no parsnip, Robert J. Morgan.

That's true, which is why, if you let me finish, Auntie Brenda, I decided to

pull out of the development deal.

Well, that's very noble of you, Rob. But, Melissa, we'll just get ourselves

another builder.

With all due respect, you lot are ten a penny.

Now, that's also true, except a builder needs land.

And if the land's not available... I don't understand.

I'd like to take you up on that offer to become your sponsor, Alan.

I'll buy the lease for the pitch, and whatever you raise today can buy some

stands. Looks like you need them if we're going to get this club back on its

feet.

What do you say, Alan?

Can I be your sponsor?

Well, I'll have to ask the committee. Alan! Yes, of course.

I knew he wouldn't let us down.

I trusted you all the way.

You or me?

Together?

Together.

That was for lying to me.

And that was for saving our club.

What was the bloody hero, innit?

I don't know, love. Without you, none of this would have come about.

You've a lot to be grateful for.

Get us a pint of Bowen, will you, lover boy?

My mouth was at the inside of a bouncer's nap.

OK, you win.

You've discovered my Achilles heel.

What?

Act of overwhelming generosity.

You've dared me on.

So you're going to have to shag me now, aren't you?

Some people you just think are going to live forever, don't you?

Like Harry Hill.

Paula. I can't do it, Di. I don't think I can even look at him. Get in the

bloody car. Ow!

I want you to come and live with me in Canada.

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