Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.

She smiles.

And my heart starts beating.

I go weekends by.

La, la, la.

La, la, la.

La, la, la.

Oof. You're just sour this morning.

You smell of boy.

You always say that. What exactly does boy smell of?

Socks, pants and sweat.

Good God.

Why are you dressed as Elvis, little Al? Because I'm going to school.

Exactly. It's come as a famous recent day. You do pay two pounds if you don't

dress up, but only one pound if you do.

For cancer.

Oh, Mum.

You forgot to tell me again, didn't you?

Sorry.

Don't move.

There you go.

Harry Potter.

Thanks, Mom.

That was interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

There's only one thing left to do.

I don't think I'm quite ready for that, love.

Oh, no.

I've got to go to work, you div.

Hey.

I thought you drowned.

You're keeping the clock on me, now, are you?

Hey, so we called you back yet?

How do you know I've rung her?

Look, we live in a terrace house.

I could hear you all night tapping away on your phone. I thought the microwave

was on the blink.

It left her loads of texts, that's all.

I had nothing back.

Yeah, well, maybe you should leave it for a bit, love.

Eh? It might make things worse for her. Your name keeps coming up on her phone.

Wind Lenny up even more.

Why are we all worried about what Lenny thinks? The bloke's a dickhead.

It's me.

Again.

Call me back.

Please.

Hey, Rocky.

Ready for tomorrow night? The big fight?

Yeah, I'm fine. I can handle myself.

Yeah, Lenny don't look big. But I've seen him fight before, bud.

He's like lightning, man. And nasty.

Yeah, so everybody keeps saying.

Look, I've been thinking.

Do you want me to be a second? Give you a few pointers?

I don't want to brag, like, but back in the day, I had a bit of a rep.

Crazy car, they call me.

That's not because you was hard. It's because you was tough.

What are you on about? I don't look after myself.

What about that first night we went out together and those two bouncers put you

in a skip?

Look, I've got to go. Oh, skip.

Oh, and look, you'll be on show tomorrow when you pop around the shop later for

an all -over autumn mist and chest and crack wax.

Oh, that's skip.

It's a three -round fight. It's not a fashion shoot.

Anyways,

just an inter -club thing. It's not a big fight. I don't need a second.

Well, if you sure are.

The main lads will be there anyway, early light, to get ringside seats.

I don't really want people... Now, Carl, now.

What? It has to be now.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Not a go -button. Duty calls.

Why do I love him?

He don't look back when I call his name. He turns his back. The weather

is growing cold and I want him back again.

W -I -double -L.

Double L.

No, one double L.

I -A -M -S. Williams.

Yeah, he's got my application.

I know that, but time is the one thing I haven't got.

I've got to go. I'll call you back.

Hiya. Morning, Star.

Hey, you know Ronnie Chimp always goes round with Harry Caravan?

Yeah.

Well, I was at Myrtle Evans the other day for the duties, and she said that

Ronnie Chimp went in the ex -club and told him he don't want to be called that

no more. Well, I suppose if you've gone round all your life being told you look

like a small monkey... No, no, it's not the Chimp bit he minds. It's Ronnie.

From now on, he wants to be known as Charles.

Charlie Chimp?

I suppose so.

Myrtle reckons it's a benefit scam.

Wouldn't surprise me.

That entire chimp family is nothing but a bunch of animals.

Very quiet today, Al.

Stella, you know when you want something really, really bad, like, and you're

not sure if you're going to get it?

Oh, now, come on, Presh. We've been over this before. You've got to accept that

we're just friends.

Oh, no, no, it's not that.

Good. No, no, we're not that. I mean, if ever you change your mind, like, you

know, offer's still there.

I mean, you're not getting any younger, like.

Charming. For me, you've got better as you get older.

Like Redrum.

Do you know what?

I'm always glad when I come to you first. You really set me up for the day.

No problem.

Anytime.

Come on.

What is it?

Oh, Al.

What have you done?

Big fight tomorrow?

Your debut in the ring, eh, lad?

It's not a big thing, really.

Old Town's come in.

You thought about who you want to be a second?

What? Because I venture to suggest you couldn't do no better than the man here

in front of you, by the way. Look, Mr Davies... Ponderberry schoolboy's champ,

three years on the run, and winner in the Nationals against an English school

the under -13s group.

Even though I was 17 at the time, like. Is that legal?

Legal schmegel.

Never question it.

Because of my, uh...

Height, see?

Always been a blessing.

Pass us a bag of those staff zoomers, will you?

Need to be a poxy giraffe to get the fruit round here.

Ah, here she is.

Our funeral director.

So good.

This

isn't

too good, Jess.

And the daughter.

She just lost her husband.

I know how she feels.

Right then, upstairs with you for a cup of tea, I think.

Come on.

Yes.

She's very empathetic.

That's what makes her the best.

She grieves with you, not at you.

So, basically, if we can't find the money for the lease by the end of the

that's it.

We'll lose the club.

This remortgage will just cover it.

I'll have a lot of money you're asking for, Al. I know.

I mean, how are you ever going to pay it back?

I don't know, but this is the club stuff.

We can't lose it.

Yeah, and this is your house, your home.

You can't lose that neither.

There must be another way.

I don't know. I've wrecked my brains.

I even thought about selling one of my organs.

What? Apparently there's a bloke on the run that got six grand for a kidney on

eBay. Took his kids to St Santa in Lapland. Alan Williams, you are not

your kidneys for that blooming club.

What about Rob Morgan?

Eh? He's a successful businessman. He's from round here. He may well want to

hell. I wouldn't know what to ask.

Well, think of a way to.

Because you can't afford to lose this house.

Coming in.

Are you all right?

What if Lenny was here?

He's always up the gym this time of the morning, isn't he?

Gets all pumped up before he goes and gives him shit down the door. You still

shouldn't be here, Luke. It's not fair on me. Now, what about what's fair on

You haven't returned none of my calls. I've been going to spare. We're worried.

My phone's not working.

Bullshit.

Lenny dropped her in the washing up.

Lenny does the washing up?

Said it was an accident.

He's a total control freak. You shouldn't be here. He's the father of my

Leg. Oh, that's all you ever say.

Not that he's your boyfriend or you love him or you can't live without him.

I know.

Come back with me.

Please.

I'd never drop your phone in the washing up.

Never go near it.

Absolutely. Well said.

Ultimately, the finishing in terms of handles and edging is what takes the

And these are available in silver, brass or bronze.

We always suggest you take your time to... As

for

the lining...

As you can see on these pages, cotton, silk or velvet are all options.

Why

don't

we discuss the cremation itself?

Me?

Don't stop me. Don't stop me. Stop!

I have got a woman downstairs whose father just died in a road accident

his brakes failed.

And you lot are thinking, don't stop me now, and I'm travelling at the speed of

flinging light.

Well, it's easier for someone to behave with, I mean. He's right, Paula. We've

got to react somewhere. I don't care.

It can't be you.

You'll have to find somewhere else.

Rapid.

Come in.

Can't stop. Got something for you.

No.

Yes.

What is it? It's a full committee meeting.

You've been called in front of them.

Full? Aye, full.

Make sure you're there.

£2 .50, please.

Oh, you're Sonny's friend, aren't you? We met at the... Babynaming, that's

right. Leah.

What brings you up here, then?

Oh, and don't say the nightlife, because, believe me, there's more going

between Katie Price's ears.

Actually, I was supposed to meet Sonny. Is he about?

No, him and them have taken our brook afar the park. Feed the ducks.

Eh?

What is it?

I'm sorry, he said 11.

He promised.

He's supposed to be telling her today.

Telling who what?

Sonny.

Telling Emma that we're having an affair and we're in love.

I'm sorry. It's been going on for months. It was going to come out. He

sort this mess out.

Get out, Michelle.

Now.

fight tomorrow, isn't it?

Eh?

No.

Yeah. Sort of.

It's more complicated than that.

I mean, about as clear as those desk instructions.

I don't know.

Everything's hanging in the bloody air, like this fight.

It's for Zoe.

It's all got out of hand.

Why don't you just call it off?

Would you?

No.

I'm going to sound a bit of a dick here, but will you, you know, be my

second, like, tomorrow?

Of course I will.

Knock, knock.

Ma 'am, what are you doing here? You forgot your sandwiches. I made your

favourites today.

BLPB. BLPB?

Bacon, lettuce and peanut butter.

Oh, sounds bloody awful.

You've just got no sense of adventure.

You didn't try broccoli till you were 16.

Neither did half the valley.

And you were frightened of donkeys.

Yes. Shut up.

Yeah. School trip to Porthcawl when we were 12. Your father wouldn't go on a...

Because I lost my money in the sand.

Oh, thence you were frightened.

Well, as much as I just love listening to you two bicker, I've got to go. It's

not bicker. It's your mother's idea of banter.

Bicker, banter, shant, and I'm off.

Why don't you call him?

It's none of your business.

Go and spray Mrs Watkins.

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

What's your first name?

And then to top it all came in Frederick at a fitness.

I was scared for you. So what

have you come for?

Me? Well, I know it wasn't about sandwiches.

It's though we in a glumming fight. Luke's not a box.

there. Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, you know.

Anyway, we need a bit of freedom to pull out.

I can't do that.

I've already agreed to be his second.

You what?

He's not going to pull out just because his mammy told him to. It's one of those

bloke things.

Oh, hang on. We'll have John Wayne riding through in a minute on his horse.

All I'm saying is that we're parents. We can't just go wading in.

That's what parents do. We wade.

Maybe we should let him sort it all out for himself this time, eh?

I hope you're right.

OK, I'll leave you to it.

Thank you for the sandwiches.

I didn't bring you any.

Exactly. Oh, you can buy your own, Rob Morgan. You've got enough money. Get

them sands and find it.

Melissa, what can I do for you?

What's your name?

Bacon, lettuce and peanut butter.

Oh, gross. I hate lettuce.

Well?

Not bad.

Bacon's a bit crispy.

You know what I mean.

I need time to think straight, yeah?

I know we can't hide away like this forever.

Give me till tomorrow.

Please.

One thing, though.

What?

Bacon's just right.

So, crispy, not soft, then? Always.

Marmalade or marmalade?

Marmalade, every time.

Hmm, surprising.

Cake or biscuits?

Cake.

Cheese or chocolate?

Chocolate.

Toast or crisps?

Crisps. What?

Cheese and onion.

Oh, you mean it.

Hiya, Beth, and how are you?

Can you repeat that, please?

I was wondering if you'd like to go see a boxing match tomorrow night.

Boxing?

Yeah.

Me and you?

Yeah.

I know.

It's my age, isn't it?

No. Eh?

It's your gender.

I don't do boys.

What are you doing over at lunchtime?

Oh, need another quid, don't I?

Wife, you dressed up, didn't you?

The people we're supposed to come as have to be real.

Well, Harry Potter's real, isn't he?

No, he isn't.

In fact, I don't know what is real anymore.

Bobby. She's back on the course.

What stage is she at? Giggly and loving or arsey and arrogant?

She's gone straight to maudling.

And she's asking for you.

I'm here today to offer you a fantastic business... Alan. Eh?

Why don't you sit down?

Well, I practise standing up, you know, so if you don't mind.

Sorry.

I'm here today to offer you a fantastic business... Why are you shouting?

Eh? I'm only sat here.

Yeah, I know, but in my mind you were further back.

Like in Dragon's Den.

Oh, right.

I'm here today to offer you a fantastic business offer. Alan, why don't you just

sit down and tell me what you've come for?

Right.

I've come to ask you to be our sponsor, Rob.

I've come to ask you to save our rugby club.

You know, you're my bestest friend in all the world.

You know how proud I am of you, don't you?

I do.

Because you're used to losing men, see?

I'm not.

That's why it's hard for me, you know?

Hard? Oh, you mean losing men?

Well, they skedaddled, didn't they?

Sean was too young and Carl was too thick and... Well, not.

Who's the first and the worst, really?

This you.

Whoa, hang on a minute, lovely girl.

Rob Morgan is not as bad as he's made out to be.

He's being a bloody good dad to Luke at the moment.

And he made his mistakes when he was young, not like you.

Me? Yeah, you.

Running round, done up like a ham bone, looking at any fella that'd give you the

eye when Di was begging you to come back.

He was begging, wasn't he?

My darling.

Oh, what am I going to do, Stella?

How am I going to live without him?

Just tell him how you feel. I want him back.

Pashman, I love Pash.

He's genius.

Is he?

I'm going to make it work.

There's a counselling tomorrow night.

You'll see.

To the truth.

You're the lucky one, Mrs Watkins.

I can hear it.

In conclusion, Ponterbury RFV is the right choice.

The only choice.

So get on board now and join a winning team.

The end.

Thank you, Alan.

You've made a very compelling and unique pitch.

The use of finger puppets was a first for me.

But this is simply the wrong time for me to invest.

And so I'm afraid, for that reason, I'm out.

You OK?

It's just that club.

It's my life.

That little love.

It's all I've got, really.

Look, Al, sometimes we don't do ourselves any favours by hanging on to

Try to think with your head, not your heart, eh?

Whatever it takes.

You haven't done anything rash, have you?

No. Like you said.

I've used my head.

I'm still waiting to hear, like, but if it comes through, I will need your

money. If what goes through?

My application.

I'm removered from my house.

Hoyt, do you have to have that thing on?

Look, it's our business.

Got to have it on. The customers demand it.

There's nobody here.

They're all at the match, aren't they?

Oh, this is impossible. Let's leave it for today.

Next Wednesday at the same time.

Jaggedy, a moment?

Oh, of course.

I want to know your diaphragm.

My what?

A few simple techniques, and you'll be singing like Pavarotti.

Isn't he dead?

Don't stop me now.

I beg your pardon?

From the top.

Oh, yes.

Tonight I'm going to have myself a real good time.

I feel alive.

And the... Oh, that's the time. Look, I've got the delivery.

Come in.

Close your mouth.

I've had a great time. Thank you, Jane.

Jane. Jane, yes.

Of course, Jane.

I see you tomorrow after my shift.

Oh, can't do that, love.

See Paula tomorrow.

Comforting session.

It's important.

Okay. Tonight, then.

I'll be late, but don't worry. I can let myself into anywhere.

Breaking and entering. My speciality.

In for a penny.

Do you know why we called you here, Alan?

Yes.

And I'd like to begin my defence by stating that as a member of this great

for over... Sorry, I'm late.

I'm having trouble with the sheep.

Ah, there you are.

I was halfway through a shank. Sit down, please, George.

It seems, Alan, that we owe you an apology.

Since seeing you yesterday, I've discovered that you've been trying to

sponsor to save this club.

So it stands to reason you wouldn't have been working alongside Melissa.

We're really sorry, Al.

Of course, I believed in you throughout, Dallin.

I just had to go along with the majority, like.

Yeah, well... I tried to rob Morgan, but he didn't come through.

But there's still hope.

I've applied to remortgage my house.

Oh, Alan, that's an incredible gesture.

But it's pointless, man.

We are but minnows to a mighty machine.

The cause is hopeless.

The club is as good as... Is that what Churchill said?

The cause is hopeless?

No.

He went on the beach for a scrap.

Did Henry VIII listen to advice about his wives?

No.

He just cut their heads off.

And why?

Because they had spirit.

And that's what I've got.

I am not going to be pushed around anymore.

No one is taking over our club.

Not as long as I'm here.

Not now.

Not ever.

Come on, Trina.

See you later.

You minger gin.

Charmer.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Because I'm in with a chance.

You know I don't want you to do it.

I'm not talking about the fight.

I don't want to come in.

I was going to invite you to.

Don't try to be clever, Alan. Believe me, it really doesn't suit you.

I've just come to tell you I'm moving on.

What do you mean?

Away from here.

The valleys.

Never really liked the place, to be honest, but then you always knew that.

Once this deal is through, I'm off. Keith and I are moving to Surrey.

Oh, probably best for all of us, truth told.

Exactly.

Especially for little Alan.

How do you mean?

I'll be taking him with us.

You what?

We'll find a really good boarding school. It's perfect. It's only ten

from where we'll be living.

Can't do that.

Oh, yes.

I can.

That's why I'm here.

I've applied through the courts for custody of little Alan.

You'll be getting a letter from my solicitor.

Oh, and I've found out about your remortgaging plans.

How? It doesn't matter.

But my solicitor reckons you've seriously jeopardised any chances you

had in terms of a legal battle for custody.

Where would you expect little Alan to live?

With you on the street?

Melissa, where will he sleep?

We'll do his packed lunches and make his costumes for school. You know how much

he loves dressing up.

We'll teach him how to play rugby.

We'll be there when he's sad.

You don't need to worry about that.

He'll be with me.

Melissa?

Over my dead body.

Can I have a word?

No, and where's the fire?

What the fuck are you playing at, Sonny? Eh?

Your friend Leah was in the shop yesterday, crying her eyes out over your

affair.

Telling me you were leaving Em.

God.

You've got to believe me when I tell you that. It's total rubbish.

She's a psycho, I swear.

What happened then?

Nothing, honest.

No, nothing exactly.

Oh, my God.

We did kiss once, but that was it. Oh, great.

It was a mistake.

But you've got to tell Emerson. It's only fair.

And if you don't tell her, I will.

She's not your dad.

I haven't seen her all day.

Something's wrong.

You've got to try and forget about Zoe from now on.

Concentrate on the fight, OK?

Don't look at him.

I'm going to take your fucking head off.

Sorry I'm a bit late. Little is murder on a Friday.

Time is but a series of moments that can be suspended or cascaded within our own

reality.

Lateness is therefore relative time.

But we said seven.

In that case, yes, you're late.

Aye, aye.

You been drinking?

In the blue corner!

no gouging and Lenny no biting right touch gloves and come out fighting

Just the one, I'd say.

Please remember that blame is left on the doorstep of these rooms.

Guilt is wiped away with the soil on our shoes.

But the truth is... This will be interesting, Pash.

Oh, die.

You won't call me Pash for ages.

He said Pash.

Pash.

Anyway, the truth is, deep down, I always... always wanted our relationship

work. This is progress.

You see, Di, sleeping with other men was not a deep -rooted, subconscious

parting from you in Paula's mind. She merely slept with them for carnal

pleasures and sexual gratification.

The counter points to his ribs.

He opens up when he swings. He was right.

Second down.

His ribs.

Round two.

I am begging you, Di. I know I made a big mistake.

Can you feel the open energy that fills this room, Di?

Flow, Paula.

Flow.

But I love you. And I would do anything to have you back.

Please take me back, Ty.

Let's start again.

I want a divorce.

Never mind that stuff, love.

Like cat's piss.

Get your cock in tonsils on this.

All right, then.

on his back foot.

Emma, I need to tell you something.

Who meant to, son?

What's the fight?

Come on, Liam!

You can do it, son.

You don't own me.

Nobody does.

It's over, Len.

I see.

No clubs this late, Lenny.

Leave it.

Leave it, Luke. Get your fucking hands off me.

The devil makes you sick.

The fuck do you want?

One thing.

Never touch my boy again.

Red Jack.

With my man.

Come back with me tonight.

Who have you been?

Chatting.

Chatting? You?

Want to live?

Yeah, all right.

Well, that's the most exciting of a night, that. It's giving birth.

Yeah.

What's up, Sonny? You've been like a nag of water all night.

It's about Leah.

She was magnificent in there, babes. Real masculine.

You can have one on me tonight.

Doggy. Crack in.

Do not follow me, sir. You're pathetic.

Hem, please.

Come on, shag monster.

You know you can't even want me.

Right, go on then.

Try and keep your head up, is it?

What is it with women and pillows stuffed like him, Mum?

You're going to be able to sleep tonight.

Yeah.

So you're going to sing me a lullaby, aren't you?

Right. See you in the morning then.

See you later.

You know I'm not going to let you sleep, don't you?

God,

they never stop being a worry, do they?

So I'm discovering.

Just be glad you've only got the one.

So I'm going back next week?

Yeah.

Luke's going to miss you.

What about you, Stella?

Are you going to miss me?

Do you want a biscuit with that?

No, I'm all right.

I got Kit Kats.

We're a fig roll.

Please don't kiss me, Rob. If you kiss me, I don't stand a chance.

Sean! Is this a bad time?

Okay, boys, I'm proud to need you out today. Just get up there and save our

pitch. Stella, you know I only want what's best for you. Yeah?

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