Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and adult humor.

Come on now, Abra, give it a rest, eh?

Oh, please stop.

He's probably just hungry, love. He had all butter about 20 minutes ago.

Maybe it's just wind, then. Why do you always say it's wind?

I'm sorry.

It's just he was up four times last night.

And I tried everything, but he wouldn't go off for more than an hour.

I didn't want to wake Sonny, so I brought him in here to watch telly at

the morning.

But all there was on was Midsomer Murders.

And I hate Midsomer Murders, Mum.

I really hate it.

Was it John Nettles or the new fella?

The new fella.

Oh, come you.

Give him to me.

Ash, you're moaning, little fella.

Your nana will start singing.

Oh, there we are.

So how are you doing then?

Oh, I'll survive, Presh.

Why would I want a baby when I've got this little fella?

I meant about Sean and telling him you shagged Rob when you never had to.

But you're kicking yourself now, are you? Well, actually, I didn't mind

you're on the menopause.

Makes you do weird things.

Emma? What?

I had to tell her she's my best mate.

For your information, I might not be on the menopause. I said it could just be

hormones. No periods for three months at your age.

It's definitely the menopause.

Definitely? Definitely.

She is, everyone. Right, I've done the bathroom.

Thanks, Auntie Brenda.

And me and your mother will take his lordship off who runs for a couple of

while you get on with the rest.

is grab the shaft firmly by the handle and pump it over the hole.

Everything all right back there?

Give me a minute.

Paula, Mum.

Sorry, I'm just up against it, love.

It's not open.

Well, maybe we could use this tip.

No.

Butterfly, butterfly, okay?

Sorry, love, but I've got two humans in a burial with a vegan buffet.

Maybe later.

Where do you want this, beaut?

Here.

Today's special offer... Massage. Massage therapist.

Ten pound an hour.

That's not what I said, Carl.

That'd be nice.

You come in the grand opening?

Yeah, maybe.

I got Russell Grant cutting the ribbon. My mother's known him for years.

And God knows you could do with cheating up after what you've been through.

You're quite young for the menopause, really.

But like I was telling Carl, maybe a body's just hard enough. And if that

happens, it's better to fight death. That's exactly what I said.

You've just got to lay down and surrender and accept the fact that your

have basically become a cactus.

This one's for you.

Oh, for God's sake.

No, Rhian, I'm not cocking pregnant.

Yes, I'm on the cocking change, and no, I haven't got a man. And yes, I cocking

cocked enough. In fact, I've had enough to cock in here with everything, OK?

All right, men, calm the cock down.

I was only asking about Saturday, if he was coming up Nadine's opening.

Systems analyst.

What's that, a plumber, is it?

Have you ever thought about the decking?

My friend Jerry from Pontyberry Cabs, he is often on the lookout for new

recruits. Taxis?

From lollipopping?

It's like poacher turned gamekeeper.

No, never.

Anyway, my neck, all I'm turning around and talking.

So, I take it this is your last week on the lolly? Aye.

Three years, man and boy.

All gone for a burden.

Like the miners.

And the man's lighthouses. And the man's lighthouses, yes, I remember you

saying. You know, I... I have always wanted to ask you this, but... Go on.

Might I, you know, have a little try?

Aye.

All right.

Not as easy as it looks, mate.

It's got to be food.

Here.

I'll have a hat and all.

Aye.

Stop.

You can't be bold on that, man.

Do you even feel it? In there?

Stop!

Stop! Stop!

I said stop!

It makes you feel like a king, doesn't it?

Yes.

Anyway, I'll have three of these.

What time they come in tomorrow?

I don't know.

Four -ish.

Four -ish?

It's an open casket viewing parlor. There's no ish. I'll check in a minute.

I've not got much to work with. Yeah.

I can tidy him up, but he's no John Bartleman.

Think they'll pardon the dye department?

Yep.

I had a boyfriend, it happened to us.

Only thing that got him going again was me yelling at him.

And I mean really yelling.

Constantly. Would you pass the bloody salt?

It was ever so tiring.

Well, good God, Glenn Brennig, as I live and breathe.

Aunty Brenda.

How's Trix's kid bearing up since Marge left?

Not really.

You know, she took horse with her.

I heard something, yes.

Thing is, Bren, there were three of us in that marriage, so it was all a bit

crowded.

Amy, I've got to get this one in.

Go you back.

I'll see you around, Bren.

Chin up now, Glenn, innit?

You don't know what the world is coming to us.

Luke!

Luke, for pity's sake, will you come and help me with this damn...

Oh, don't fuss, man. All right, calm down.

As if she hadn't got enough to worry about at the moment with the whole town

knowing her business and her what -she -calls. She owns you.

It's time for his stuff.

See?

She must be upstairs.

And me.

How about an offer on the flat?

That was quick.

Turned it down.

Oh. Because I thought, why am I doing all this?

Running around like a blue -arse fly just because of you.

Just to make things easier for you. I never told you to sell a flat.

No.

No, you never told me a lot of things, Stella.

So you're staying in Ponterberry, then?

Is that what you want?

I don't know what I want, Prash.

My mate's got a job on in Birmingham. I'm going to go up there for a bit.

Clear my head.

Decide what to do.

Fair enough.

When's Rob getting here, by the way?

I don't know. What are you asking me that for? Oh, come off it.

What was the plan? Get me out of the way so you can have your little reunion?

You know why Rob's coming back. He's got a bloody construction business.

Yeah, and how long have you known about that, eh? Oh, shut up. I found out the

same time as you. Stop being a dick.

Dale, you all right?

Yeah.

Babe, he's just going to hurt you again. Why can't you see? Oh, Sean, man,

you're doing my hair, Dale. He doesn't actually love you.

He just...

I don't know, sees you as some kind of challenge. I don't care what he sees me

as. It's got nothing to do with Rob, Morgan.

Do you love him?

What?

It's a really simple question.

Do you love him?

Oh, let it love him.

You going to fix that wardrobe this morning?

Aye.

What are you going to do after that?

You could go down big ways.

A little box.

A new swimming bath.

Must be nicer when I jog the roadie.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Paul.

It's all right.

Come here.

I'm going to be late.

Please, Paul.

I just really need to be held.

You know what today is, don't you? Friday.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Right, I'll bear that in mind.

Oh, you may mock, but I can spot a menopausal woman with a broken heart

hundred pieces. It's a gift I got from God.

Now, when Pedro Upton left me taking his espadrilles and his inadequate little

moustache with him, I could have sat around like you and walked for weeks.

didn't. I went out and I got myself...

A job!

I've got a job.

A union?

That's not a job.

People pay me for it.

Only because they picked you. No offence. Now, have a look at this.

The bath factory requires a mature baking if it's mature.

Gets you out of the house and thinking about pastry rather than that Sean

all the time. I'm not thinking about him.

Look, do you want to be stuck inside with a pile of underpants for the rest

your life? Or... Do you want to get out there, make a brand new start and really

start living?

At the BAP factory.

Ready? Ready.

Say what you see.

Well, that bread, obviously.

Granary or wholemeal?

Granary?

A croissant?

Do you speak French?

No. Good, because I've got no time for show -offs.

How many squares in a Badsenburg?

Four.

Which of these is an angel cake?

Ginger snap?

That's a flapjack.

Oh. Come on, come on. They'd be killed at the door by now.

That one.

Final answer?

Final answer.

Welcome on board.

Tremble for yourself, my man. You know that you have seen this all before.

Tremble, little lion man. You'll never settle any of your scores.

I got it!

Nice one.

Ta -da!

You are now looking at the uniform of an assistant patisserie operative.

Classy.

Maybe Auntie Brenda can find you a job.

Yeah, maybe.

What's going to happen to me, ma 'am?

I've got the opposite of the Midas touch. Everything I try turns to shit.

Babes. Look,

it might feel like that at the moment, but remember what your dumper always

says. Nothing stands still for long.

Canada certainly didn't, did it? No.

Come on.

Fancy doing a bit of decorating?

Whoopee.

Sorry for you, Lois.

So sorry for you, Lois.

But I've handled her a fitting tribute.

You try doing this sober.

We feel your pain too, you see. All part of the service.

Look, I know things aren't going well at home, but you can't go bringing that

into work.

I'm not.

Like Daddy always says, it's not just our pet them as we bury, it's our

Oh, are they for the Evans, is it?

Oh,

for Paula.

Secret admirer, is it?

We'll get through this, love, from day.

No. Hiya, are you in the back? I've got a vase.

Want to bring that?

They did.

They've given me a load of flyers for a salon thingy.

Said I'd get a free lip wax if I give them out.

Well, if I leave it more than a week, I'll look like Magnum P .I.

Flowers? Oh, your boyfriend trying to win you back, is he? Well, tell him from

me, he'll have to try a damn sight harder than that.

On his hands and knees he should be.

Although I suppose you lot are used to that.

They're not for me, actually.

They're for Paula.

They're for me?

How come?

Well, apparently, you've been having trouble raising the flag.

But don't go saying nothing, will you?

My lips are well and truly...

Ah,

that waxing can't come soon enough.

No machine can replace the beating heart of a lollipop man.

Do you remember that?

That machine went out across the road.

I never, ever loved doing it.

Is that it?

You look like a loon.

Oh, thanks.

Don't wear that when you come watch me rugby training, will you? Oh, babes, I

won't be finished in time for that.

Oh, what?

Sorry, but I'm a career woman now.

See if Luke will come.

Hello. See you.

Luke!

Luke, you in there? Don't come in.

Oh, Mum, I said don't come in!

Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

Will you come watch me training later?

Not today.

But Mam said you would.

Maybe next week, yeah?

What's the point in you coming back? You never want to do anything.

Morning. It's another pure grey morning.

Don't know what the day's holding.

And I get up high and I walk right into the path of a lightning bolt.

Siren of an ambulance comes howling right through the center of town and...

Morgan, welcome back to the Delmont Hotel.

Hi. Apologies for the bad weather.

Is it business or pleasure bringing you back, mister?

Well, that kind of depends.

Well, your room's all ready for you. Oh, and you have a visitor.

Do I?

Whiskey and ice, please.

I'm not going to apologise for what's happened.

What I mean is, it'd be pointless my saying sorry, I'm not sorry.

My regret is that I didn't come back sooner.

Reggie, you're OK, you know me and her.

More than OK, in fact.

We were going to get a place together.

A new house on the Penner estate with Ben and the baby.

That's a joke.

But then you decide, after 25 years of living the other side of the world, that

Stella Morris, a nobody from Pontyberry, a girl that you went out with in

school, all of a sudden, she's the one for you and you can't live without her.

Well, it's bollocks! Do you know that? Calm down, mate. Don't call me mate.

I'm not your mate.

Thank you.

How long before you get bored of her, eh, Rob?

How long before the novelty wears off and you start to see her as a faded 40

-something with three kids and no money?

Doesn't sound very attractive when you put it like that, does it? Seriously,

Sean, shut up.

I really love her.

And I can't give her what you can, never in a million years.

But I'm loyal as fuck.

And that's something you know nothing about.

I give it two months.

Two months before you get fed up and start looking around for something else

play with.

You're so predictable.

I'd bet money on it.

Look, I know you're angry about the baby. It's a mess. The baby? There isn't

baby.

What?

Oh, my God, she hasn't told you, has she?

She's not pregnant, Rob.

I'll see you.

And you need more flour on your fingers.

Oh, I'm going to sneeze.

Stand away from the bread. Stand away from the bread!

Woman, is it?

Say what?

When someone beats into a punch bag like that, it's usually woman trouble.

It's just, you know, letting off steam.

It's a nice combination, Joe.

You get yourself down here more often?

Yeah, I would do, but I'm... Listen, Luke, I offered you a job here before,

you remember?

I'm sorry about that, Big Ray.

Well, it's still yours if you want it.

I mean, fancy it.

A few hours a week, sweeping the floors, cleaning the boat. You use the gym as

much as you like.

I don't know.

Oh, you've got something better to do, have you?

Actually, I'm going to go home and watch Pink cry.

All right, look, I'll give it a go, but I'm not working weekends, OK?

OK. See you, Tom.

Cole!

Lower your guard, son, lower it!

Oh, not that low.

He's got a lot of things.

He's being a pain.

Oh, he's just settling back in, that's all.

Settling back into being a grumpy bastard.

Hey, now, language.

He blamed me for knocking over the paint.

And did you?

Well, yeah.

But, Mum, listen.

He's just... He's rubbish.

It's not the best time, then.

What's going on?

Luke's been a dick.

Nothing? No personal visit has allowed him in work hours.

Can't believe it all.

Oh, he's all right, man.

Health and safety. Don't know where he's been.

I've been resting with little Alan's dog.

But don't worry, I wash my hands after.

I'm off to rugby.

See you.

Are you sure you're all right?

Fine, yeah.

What are you doing here?

I'm here supporting little Alan, of course.

You've never been before?

I've always been here in spirit.

Didn't know you had one.

I hear things are changing in the world of road safety management.

By making contingencies.

May I ask what?

Systems analyst.

Systems analyst?

Yes. Well, good luck with that.

But on the off chance it doesn't work out, there's always the taxes.

camps are always... And all the taxes, thank you. Of course you do.

Oh! Oh, here he is, for my player of the match.

Just a little something I bought recently from London.

I'll see you soon, darling, all right?

Let me know how it goes with the contingencies.

Go on, little out.

Go and get us some dinner.

It's an iPad, Dad.

OK. An iPad.

Very nice.

Yes!

Where are the slotted rules?

I do them now and again.

That's what comes from yakking with the children during work hours.

It won't happen again.

And are these supposed to be fairy cakes?

Eventually.

Oh, for goodness sake. Look at them.

I'll see you after work and do another bath.

How am I supposed to sell them? They don't affect anything. We'll come in

tomorrow. Even your Luke wouldn't steal them.

Sorry, what did you just say?

I have no time to argue. Just get on with it. If you've got something to say

about my Luke, let's have it.

You've always thought you were better than me, haven't you?

None of my kids have been in prison, have they?

I'll take him out of my shirt!

You've got something in your hair.

Nice uniform, by the way.

Yeah, well, I won't be needing it no more.

You started it this morning, I know.

I thought I should come and say hello.

Look, I know why you're here.

But you've had a wasted journey. Things have changed, and I'm sorry. I should

have told you before you left, but my head was all over the place.

I know about the baby.

What?

Sean told me.

Sean? When?

He told me quite a few things, actually.

He's got a bit of a temper, hasn't he?

Oh, give us a fag.

At least he didn't hit me this time.

So how are you feeling about it all?

Honestly, relieved.

I mean, becoming a new parent in your 40s, can you imagine it?

No, I can't.

I'll never know now, will I?

Oh, you're unbelievable.

What? What have I said now?

You've spectacularly managed to make this all about you. Oh, poor Rob.

taken his toys away from him. He thought he was going to be a daddy again.

All right, Stella, calm down. Bloody hell.

Why don't you just for once, in that self -obsessed head of yours, have a

thought for how other people might be feeling? You know, it was me that was

pregnant, Rob. Except you weren't.

Were you?

Ever.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Do you want to lift anywhere?

No, of course you don't.

And it's a great pleasure that I declare Tantastic Bodies well and truly open.

Right, well, thanks, Russell. I'll be here with Jonathan, will you?

And he is actually Welsh.

Anyway, thanks to the rest of you for coming, and please help yourself to the

buffet, within reason.

Most of it is sale or return, so don't touch nothing unless you actually want

it. And second, you'll be pleased to know that Carl haven't written a poem

this afternoon.

We both have.

A recipe for a good business by Nadine Thurden.

And Carl Morris.

Take a solid business brain.

Mix it with a fitness chain.

Steering weights and tanning beds.

For couples, singles, newlyweds.

Wax and pluck throughout the day.

With pedicures for straight. OK.

Plus seven types of fitness class.

To help you lose that flabby arse. So come on, Ponty, join our salon.

We'll even find a place for Alan.

Right, let's have some music then. Mrs B?

Take it away.

One, two, three, four.

I am sailing.

I am sailing.

Home again.

Cross the sea.

I am sailing.

Stony waters.

To be with you.

To be with you.

See, what you're lifting there is the equivalent weight of a small horse.

All right.

I'll be strong then.

Yeah, but what you've got to ask yourself is when would you actually need

able to lift a small op?

All on your own someday?

Paula's not good.

She's been working all hours recently. You know how it is. I do.

Oh, your little problem.

They will turn a button mushroom into a stick of celery before you can say hello

in Bloomingtown.

Where do you get them from?

Oh, you'd be amazed what you can pick up on the cost, Steph.

I've got a wash bag full of all sorts.

Just a bit, yeah? Those pillows will give you a stonk. Yeah, I got that,

you, yeah.

He goes on about these days' work.

And he keeps banging on about me meeting this stupid uni -mate or some stupid

ball. I don't want to meet her, ma 'am. I've got enough friends.

Well, if I was you, I'd get my gladrags on and I'd go with you.

I'll babysit.

But for God's sake, don't be letting your man go off to something like that

his own. That way trouble lies.

I'm not being funny, ma 'am, but you're not really the one to be giving advice

about relationships, are you?

What? I wonder if they need any new talent.

Oh, here we go again.

He starts these things, Alan. He doesn't see them through.

He's like a fishing man. Good God, Alan.

You're good this lot, aren't you?

Wonderful.

I was just saying to Tanisha, what in the name of bloody hell is that?

What?

Paula!

Paula!

Surf's up, dude!

Wake up, love.

Paula!

You've got one all of a sudden, haven't you?

Well, my expertise goes far beyond fashion, Sonny.

I know about all sorts of things.

Keep still.

Do you want me to do this tonight as well, seeing as your wife's not coming?

Yeah, that would be great.

That's what friends are for.

Sorry, love.

Hi.

Listen, some good news.

Just wanted to let you know that things have cleared up in the sink plunger

department.

Oh, well, that's great.

So I thought we could celebrate.

Well, not now, love, eh?

No, but I thought you could shut up early.

Well, people die. All hours of the day die.

I know.

That's why tonight...

I want us to have a special night.

So, any requests?

Tell you what.

Why didn't you surprise me? But don't go too mad.

Nothing major, love.

Of course, nothing major. Got you.

Nothing major.

Lovely weather we're having. Way too governor.

Why are you talking funny?

That's how they sound, isn't it?

In London. In them black cabs.

But we're not in a black cab. No.

And we don't live in London. Fair enough.

So.

You from around... Dad. Sorry.

Done to the accent. Sorry.

Did you get a football last night?

Was there any football last night?

You say I should know, then. Look, I'm going to test you on what roads you

All right, go on, then.

Platy Street, please, drive.

I'm late for a meeting.

Well, I know where Ploughtish Street is. That's where we live, man.

Give me another one.

Wow.

I love this, Dad.

Do you?

You look gorgeous.

I know.

Come here.

I'm glad you changed your mind.

Yeah, well, can't leave you going off on your own, can we?

You're joking me. I'm sorry.

That's true love, that is.

Oh,

sorry. Just wear it around your neck.

Makes you look like George Clooney.

Prime Minister?

Prime Minister?

I would like to discuss some figures with you, Prime Minister.

Something very important has arisen.

Prime Minister?

Call now.

I'll look after you, I promise.

Come on.

Hey!

Lad, this is Emma.

Emma, this is Josh and Sam. Hi, right?

I've washed my sheets, Emma, don't worry.

We're keeping you in his room tonight.

Oh, and where are you going to sleep?

Depends who I pull.

You're thinking student twat, right?

Start again. Ask me where I'm staying tonight.

Where are you staying tonight?

Probably on his floor.

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Right. Now you know I'm not a knob -end.

Drink this.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers to the bride and groom.

Do you do B &B?

I can't understand a word he says. Why would they let someone

with a list? Teach us about cardiac arrest. Cardiac arrest.

Here it is.

Thank you. Where's mine?

Oh, call it.

Don't mind.

I'll go.

What? He's cracked his teeth.

You're joking. On the end of the bar.

He's going to put his hand around a girl.

Hey, all right, babe?

Shit, shit, shit, sorry.

No worries.

Oh, man. You good? Yeah, good.

Hey,

how have you been?

It takes time to look this beautiful, darling.

This is, um, Miss Cornell.

Emma.

So you're Emma.

I'm Leah, nice to meet you.

You're kind of a mystery woman. We were all taking bets on what you'd be like.

I think I win because you're exactly what I expected.

In a good way.

Right.

So, having fun?

Um, yeah, yeah, sort of. Must be nice being out of the house.

My aunt just had a baby and she said she's practically turned agoraphobic.

That's a fear of going outside.

I know what it means.

It's so nice to meet you. Sonny talks about you all the time. Really?

At first, when he told me he was married, I thought, what's that about?

even 20.

But now I actually think it's really sweet.

Oh, sneak of the devil.

Hello, you.

Yeah, come and keep you company. It's a problem when you don't know anyone.

Yeah. You know what he's like when he's Howard, he forgets everything.

Yeah? He's a bloody idiot sometimes.

He's my husband.

Sorry. What?

Have I done something wrong?

Just saying.

I don't... Hands off, all right?

I'm really sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, you do.

Okay. Okay, message understood.

It's all right, you know.

There's nothing to be ashamed about.

What is it?

Postnatal depression.

It's really common, but you should go and see your GP, not just for your sake,

but for baby Avra's.

What the hell was that? And you can tell your friend, Stenny, that his wife has

gone on...

Tell him I'm not you. He's my brother, Paul.

Come in, love.

Di, I'm sorry. I just need some space.

It's only for tonight.

I know.

As soon as Paul is gone, I'll move back next door.

You're not going to be around as much to cramp your style.

You're going back to Canada?

I've got a few hours' work down the gym.

I can use it to build myself up a bit.

Looks like I'll have to be on my guard now you're working out.

I can lift ten bags of sugar.

Good night, John -boy. Good night.

Luke. Yeah?

Who's John -boy?

It's just a few minutes. Where's Emma?

With you.

Right, well, everyone just piss off!

Yeah, she's here.

Look, honey, why don't you go to bed and we'll talk about it in the morning, is

there?

I know you do.

Night, love.

What are you going to do with them, eh?

You haven't told me where the land is yet. It's Ponteberry Rugby Club.

You're not serious.

It's the end of an era. Are we going to stop them? In your own time, Dad? Let us

hear your pain.

Your wife is very perceptive.

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