Original subtitles

Why don't I write down how much money I spent over the years looking after him,

Rob, and send you a bloody invoice?

If you really want to come to Canada, then I'll help.

She in?

The date for Di's trial have come through.

You still feisty?

She's a lot of things, Rob.

Shut your fester and gob, you tangerine tart.

I'm not tangerine! I don't know what my Alan ever saw in you!

and then she smiled

Oh, dear God.

Diet's going well, then.

Emma.

Emma, love. Leave her.

Fancy a cuppa?

Please.

Oh, God.

Was it bad last night?

Paula.

Well, the tangerine tart wasn't very happy.

Denise, I think she might have Tourette's. So does the girl behind the

desk and the manager.

Oh, and you broke the flag on the 18th hole.

Oh, I didn't say nothing to you, did I?

Oh, Paula, I am so sorry.

I'm such an idiot. Yes, you are.

Come here.

Oh, go easy now.

Goodbye.

I'm going to have a shower.

I'm going to have a poo.

You look absolutely beautiful.

There you go, Luke.

Four sugars, good for the throat.

Go on.

Alan, we've known each other for a while now, haven't we?

Have we? So, can I ask you, what kind of women do you usually go for?

Apart from me, obviously.

I don't know.

Do you normally go for a glamorous type, like Nadine, for example?

What do you go for more vulnerable people?

People with issues?

Say, with alcohol?

Like Stella, perhaps? How about Stella?

What do you think of Stella?

Have I done something wrong?

Is it a loosey to get?

I can get a bit deep sometimes.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, not through his brain.

And talking of stomachs, I think we should invite some people out for

I thought of a celebration thing.

Celebration of what?

Of us, you big nana.

This Wednesday will be our one -month anniversary and I want to show you off

the world.

Are you paying?

Are you going to talk to him?

In a bit, yeah.

Don't leave it too long, eh?

I know you didn't mean it and that you were pissed.

I meant some of it.

Rub aside, I think it's a great chance for Luke.

Oh, it's easy for you to say. You're a good kid.

Oh, God, now I feel guilty about you and all. Thanks a lot.

Emma, love.

I'm really sorry for ruining your hen.

It's all right.

I was way out of order.

Maybe we could go out tonight. I could treat you to a curry or something.

I've got to revise.

Tomorrow night, then?

There's not much room for a curry in here.

It doesn't have to be a curry.

Mam, I said it's fine.

Don't look at me.

I haven't got kids.

Your Honour.

30 years ago, I swore an oath.

30 years ago, I swore an oath. Your jacket needs ironing and all.

I don't know if you can iron it.

What's it say on the label? It's the army, love, not Primark.

Don't have labels.

30 years ago, I swore an oath to protect Queen and country from the forces of

evil.

Forces of evil.

You've got two more days, love. You'll be all right.

I know.

But I just want to have everything just right.

I want to stand there in that courtroom and look them right in the eye when I

say it.

Show them who they're dealing with.

Do you think I should go and check on Stella?

Brotherly love and all that?

Don't worry, she'll live.

Aye, but I know how these things can escalate.

I could be like a UN in that. What do you mean, put on your flat jacket and

big blue helmet?

Only if you were bad.

Aye, leave her.

She just needs a bit of space and a stomach pump.

And don't worry about your speech.

Just tell them about your ankles.

Swirl up like onions they do every night. And you're not a scrounger.

bloody hero.

Bird watching, is there?

Something like that.

You're a great gumper. Used to keep home in pigeons.

Kept getting lost.

The pigeons, not him.

You're definitely going, then?

Yeah.

I'll bloody miss you and all.

Fancy a bacon, Betty?

Yeah, go on.

Don't even think about it, Edward.

You going to look after my boy?

Of course.

That wasn't a question.

You got a proper job for him?

Sorry, was that a question?

Stella, sit down for God's sake, will you?

No, I'll find you.

Tea, please.

I'm not staying.

Tea, please.

Actually, I'll have coffee.

So, have you got a proper job from then on?

Yes, there's a proper job in construction.

You're a builder.

Why, I own a building firm. Look, Stanley, you can sit down. What could

my neck in?

All right, then.

Coffee, please. Thank you.

Coffee, please. Actually, you can leave the coffee pot.

Thank you.

So I can be your builder, then?

You always wanted to be a photographer.

You wanted to be a nurse.

People change.

OK, so what about...

work permits and visas and stuff like that. I'll take care of it.

Money, somewhere to live. I'll take care of it.

Look, this is a great chance for him.

The last thing I want to do is break up your family.

So if you want me to cancel it, I will.

Never speak to me again. Well, you won't know it's you. I'll make something up.

Contract's fallen through, however.

No.

There's no need to do that.

You'd better bloody look after him, that's all.

So I've tried to do boy, girl, boy, girl. So it goes you, me, Carl, Stella,

Sean, Nadine.

What do you reckon?

All right.

We could go you, me, Sean, Nadine, Carl, Stella. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I think it should go, me, you, Nadine, Carl, Stella, Sean.

Oh, whatever you think. Look, do I really have to try this on now?

For three P's, Alan.

Preparation, preparation, preparation.

I want everything to be perfect tonight.

Why?

Don't mean to get you a bigger colithoid?

Yeah.

But you don't mean it.

I've seen him like this before.

He never swam.

He did a tum trick in a sauna once. Dry as bone he was.

Like a cuttlefish.

Rumpel of the Baleen.

Nothing like Bonanza.

Mr David Cost, please.

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

There's nowhere to park.

Refused to come.

Couldn't get round out.

She must be a wreck, Ken.

Grandson going to Canada, son going to prison.

Bobby, my husband is not going to prison. Thank you very much. Of course

not. At least you can visit once a week in prison, mind.

How often can you go to Canada?

Who wants a mint?

Do you know how many murders there was in Canada last year?

605. Right.

OK. I was reading about the couple, right, from Bradford, right, and there

holiday in Vancouver and they got mugged.

And killed.

Well, not killed, but there was mugged.

It's like a war zone or something.

That's the right change.

They're gonna break a lot of hearts one day, Jasmina Chowdhury.

You mean... like yours?

Nah. Much better hearts than mine.

Is that straight?

Kind of.

Bollocks.

Knock, knock!

Dad, what are you doing?

Mind out, love. This is bloody heavy.

Right.

Close your eyes.

Both of you.

Ready?

Ta -da!

What is it?

A zebra con.

Covers all the bases.

Zebra, boy, unicorn, girl.

Magical, isn't it?

I had the idea on the stag link.

Oh, and who's this riding the zebra code?

Hola, Mama.

It says hello, Mommy in 12 different languages, educational -like.

I don't know what that one is.

No, that one.

Hello, Mommy.

That's English.

And I got an idea for the baby's room.

I'm going to do a massive mural.

Do you want to see the plans?

Eh?

All rise.

Oh, where's the wig? Where's the gown?

I don't know.

Exactly, Daddy, we pay our taxes.

Mr. Cosh?

30 years ago, I swore an oath to protect Queen and country. Mr. Cosh?

Yeah? Are you a litigant in person?

Do you have a solicitor?

No, I speak for myself, Your Ladyship.

Very well.

30 years ago. No, no, no, not yet.

The prosecution will speak first.

Thank you, ma 'am.

The Department of Work and Pensions, on behalf of Her Majesty's Government,

would like to present evidence to you today that clearly shows, beyond all

reasonable doubt, under the Pensions and Benefits Act... 2004, clause 19,

subsection 3, paragraph 27a, and also under the Fraud Act

of 1994.

And that, your Worships, concludes the evidence for the prosecution.

Thank you for that detailed and thorough presentation, although

I note you haven't actually presented any medical evidence. As stated, there

photographs... and witness statements saying that Mr. Koch was seen engaging

in strenuous activity.

These were anonymous witness statements?

Lady Pippin Toms?

Yes. You are aware, are you not, that the court has seen doctor's certificates

which verify Mr. Koch's medical condition?

Yes, as I stated earlier. Do you have any evidence to present which

the doctor's opinion?

Not really.

Nothing at all?

No. Very well.

There is no case to answer here.

Mr. Cosh, you are free to go.

What about an apology?

Oh, I'm owed an apology.

I'm sure a letter will be forthcoming from the department.

Letter? No, I want an apology now.

And he's had his say, I won't mind now.

30 years ago, I swore an oath.

To protect Queen and country from the forces of... Hey, I'm not done with you

yet, Sonny. Mr. Cosh, I would remind you that you are still in court.

Get back here, you little shite. Mr.

Cosh, please, refrain or I will find you in contempt. 30 years ago. Mr.

Cosh, you leave me no choice.

30 years ago, I swore on oath. That is a 50 -pound fine. Are you mental?

100. Leave it, you silly dog.

I've been sweating over this for months. You never sweat.

It's a miscarriage of justice. It's a bloody disgrace.

£150. Will you go off with it, you daft bastard?

Silence. Don't you shout at her.

Madam, I will have to find you in contempt of court as well. Why didn't

just... £300.

Don't tell your mum.

Bloody travesty.

It's like when Wagner was kicked off the X Factor.

Oh, I hate the movie.

We'll not see his leg again.

No.

Well, I think you deserve a Victoria Cross.

Victoria Cross?

Yeah. I'll be Victoria.

I'll be very, very cross.

Konichiwa, Mama.

Ciao, Mama.

That is brilliant. It's not funny.

Oh, you should see the thing he's made.

A stripy horse with a spike on it.

Take your eye out of the wood.

And he wants to come round and paint the baby's room now.

Can't you just tell him no?

He acts all tough and that, but he cries like a girl whenever you stand up to

him. Oh, once he bought me the ceramic robin for Christmas. He was in flood to

when I took it back.

Can you have words, ma 'am?

Oh, no. Please don't make me have that conversation.

Ma 'am, I'd really like it if you spoke to him.

All right.

I'll talk to him at the restaurant.

Thank you.

Hola, mama.

Como esta?

Bye.

Don't take this the wrong way, but how did you end up with Carl?

I won him in a fun fair, drawn out of Goldfish.

Oh, I don't know.

He's well -meaning, I suppose.

We've got our bad ends round here, at least not one of them.

Anyway, I'm with you now, making up for lost time. You're only saying that to

get me into bed.

Probably.

For the holiday.

Where are you going?

Canada.

Oh, no, come on, give us a clue.

No. Well, what if I don't like it?

You can vote next year.

Next year?

I'm very sure of you, Sam.

All right?

What are you doing here?

Look, Luke invited me round.

We're going to have a couple of beers and maybe a takeaway.

What, in my house?

He never said.

Is that a problem?

Actually, no.

What should it be?

See you.

See you.

Did Emma tell you about the Deborah Corn?

Yeah. And when I paint the baby's room, I'm going to turn the back wall into a

massive muria. Going to be thin then?

Yeah. Thing is, Boot, it might make more sense if Sean decorated the baby's

room. You're jerking me.

Well, with him being a professional decorator. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Emma won't

that. She won't like that one bit, will she, Dean? Shall I go and list it?

Well, it was no idea, to be honest.

Sorry.

I'll do a good job, mate. Promise.

It's only going to be a simple little mural with badges and helicopters and

that.

And then things with pointy ears.

Oh.

Pixies.

Sorry, mate.

I tell you one, mine's shown.

You might know how to order paintbrush and gloss a window frame, but I bet you

can't write poems like Carl did do.

Carl writes poetry?

Go on, babe, read it to them.

I've done one for all my life. Stunning, isn't it?

Oh, God.

My little girl had a little curl.

A curl as bright as copper.

The curl that curled around her head would bounce on her space hopper.

Then one day, my girl grew up.

She'd outgrown all the jumper.

She had a baby and a bloke.

And I'd become a jumper.

He told you. I know.

Don't forget it's our treat.

So you can have what you want. Nancy's treat, actually.

Well, me and Nards will have a bottle of bubbly each then.

Oh, God.

Oh, you are wonderful.

Just to be clear, there will be a separate bill for drinks.

These are very fancy, Nancy.

Do you like them yourself?

I wanted a calligraphy course at a refuge for battered women.

I wasn't battered myself.

But they rented out the room on a Wednesday.

Well, it all looks very lovely.

You have to make the efforts, don't you?

And I do think it's very important these days that a lady knows how to act like

a lady.

Nancy, do you mind if we swap? I can hardly breathe here.

Well, then we won't be boy -girl, boy -girl. I need to stretch my leg. It was

giving me some jibbing. That's what I mean. If you want... Just don't make a

fuss, Alan. We'll ask them to move the table out.

It won't take a sec. I'll just sit next to the table. Alan!

Please!

If only Carl took

as much notice of me, Nan.

I'd be happy, woman.

What do you mean? You're always saying take no notice of him.

Only when you've asked him silly bugger.

Oh! Carlman!

Take no notice of him.

See?

Thank you, Mr. White White.

It's like a finger.

You've gone married to him.

Conjure it on a finger and you'll live on a heavenly glory.

Stop staring at it and get on with it. How long can you make a visa form?

It's like exams all over again.

You never took any exams.

Shut it, you.

I'll give you a ten if you do it for me. Come on.

Come on.

Muddy cables, brother. Tony used to take people's GCSEs for him.

Only charged a fiver and a two with Smarties. Ben.

He's dead sick, mind.

Got sent down last week for holding up a newsagent with a water pistol.

The owner tried to grab him. He panicked.

Sprayed him with water.

What did he get?

Wet.

What? It's funny.

That's not funny.

This is funny.

Pull my finger. Do not pull his finger. Shut up, you ruin it.

Well, this is impossible.

Who cares about stupid glaciers? It's not like I'm going to go for a job and

they're going to ask me to name three types of glacial erosion.

Glacier?

It depends where the job is.

I mean, if it's on a glacier.

Anyway, I don't care.

I'll love you whatever happens.

What do you mean, whatever happens?

Well, you know.

Oh, my God.

You think I'm going to fail them all, don't you?

That's not what I meant, babe.

I just meant whether you get 90 sissies or none.

None? It won't affect the important things.

Like me and you.

I'll take care of you.

You're my girl.

I will pass at least one, though, won't I?

Of course you will.

Probably more than one. Oh, definitely.

I'm not having sex with you, Sonny.

You'll annoy the baby.

A lazy Susan?

Yeah.

A lazy Susan?

Yeah.

Well, who was she then, this Susan girl?

I don't know. Can I go now?

A lazy Susan?

Yeah, to be fair, Nadine, that's the last way to told you as well.

I know that.

Thought you were trying to make me look sick, that's all.

Can I have your attention, please?

I suppose you're all wondering why I haven't bought her here tonight.

Food? Oh, mate!

Well, how do I put this?

Well, the truth is, I've a bit of an announcement to make.

Here we go.

I just wanted to say... I'm pregnant.

wanted to say was this. Oh, God.

Alan. What?

My dear Alan, will you marry me?

I'm divorced and that, but marriage, well, it's a sacred institution, isn't

It's like the Marines or Blue Peter.

Yeah. Congratulations again, mate.

Well, I say sacred, didn't work out for you first time with Melissa and that,

but second time lucky, but I reckon you and Nancy, till death do us part, you'll

be together forever.

Longer even.

Anyway, put it there, mate.

I don't know it.

Stella, love.

I know tonight might have come as a bit of a surprise for you.

Well, for everyone, to be fair.

But I don't want you to think that we can't still be friends.

I know you and Alan have got a special friendship.

But I don't want our marriage to change that.

Of course you won't.

I want us all to get along.

Of course.

Even though Alan is mine.

Because he said yes.

All right.

I knew you'd understand.

Can I just say, you've done very well in life.

And if you ever want to share, I'm here for you.

Because an addict's mind can be a very powerful thing.

Nancy, I have no idea what you're talking about.

One step at a time.

What do you do with cardboard?

Is it ketchup in there?

Yeah, a bit.

Put it on the floor for Banjo.

Banjo?

Come on, Wayne.

There you go. Good boy.

Who's this?

Luke.

Like Mingo, isn't he?

Sorry, George Clooney.

Gumball said he looked like Jimmy Savile.

Whoever that is.

Oh, you're blocking the telly. Oh, my finger. Oh, no, not the finger. I'm

watching this. Move.

Oh, no.

Move your arms, then.

Stick it back there. Stick it back there.

Stick it back.

Oh, isn't it clean, eh?

Mandarin butterfly fish.

It's from 3 ,000 miles to find a mate.

And they do their stuff.

And she eats him.

Alan, you know you don't have to do this, do you?

If you're not sure, you've just got to let her know.

Just say something like, Nancy, I'm sorry.

You're a good person, a kind person.

But I just don't love you.

That's if you really don't love her.

You're not happy, are you?

Poor old thing.

Come on, you. Let's get you out.

Oh, I know what he's like after a bit of food.

Nancy, I'm sorry, but you're a nice person.

You're a nice person.

Oh,

that's lovely.

Oh, and so are you.

Oh, if only you had hair. I'd ruffle it.

I'd ruffle it anyway.

You got the munchies or something?

Can't get enough.

I was talking about the breakfast.

I would do you some bacon. Only hollow legs for you to scoff the lot.

It's all right. I'm not hungry.

Last exam today.

Geography. What's the capital of Germany?

It's not that kind of question.

Anyway, whatever they are, you are going to do great.

Did you speak to Dad?

Yes, I did. Or thought it.

Sean's going to decorate the baby's room.

And no murals.

Your father's going nowhere near a paintbrush.

Well, that's a men.

Thanks, ma 'am.

Well, I'd best be off.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Oh, and it's Brussels, by the way.

Capital of Germany.

See?

Right.

What are you up to today, then?

That's one of your job.

You?

Walking the dog.

Glamorous life, isn't it?

I love you.

And I love you.

You want to knock that on the head, Boots?

It keeps me off the crack cocaine.

Hey, they're a good night, my lot.

They're lovely kids, Del.

Thanks.

Oh, go on, give it a drag.

Can I have a whole one, if you like? No, you're all right.

Let's smoke other people, they don't count.

Oh, I love it up here.

Me and Banjo come here every day, don't we, Banjo?

Hey, you remember this?

Sam with a flag.

Yep, that's the one I meant, obviously.

That'll be Samantha Mannion.

Who? Mannion's big sister.

Not so big no more.

She had a gastric band fitted.

Yeah.

Ah.

A lot's happened since then, hasn't there?

Luke said he was married.

Yeah, he was. For a bit.

To Hannah.

She was a corporate realtor.

It's like a posh estate agent.

We were together for five years.

We had the works, big house, two cars.

Underflow heating in the bathroom.

Nice.

And one morning at breakfast, she says, I don't think you make me happy anymore.

Like it was something we could fix.

Like she'd said, I don't like the curtain in the bedroom.

Two weeks later, we sat in a lawyer's office discussing who gets the air

It was all surprisingly straightforward, to be honest.

Straightforward? Yeah, you know, amicable.

Not exactly heartbreak hotel, then?

Well, it wasn't the happiest time, was it? Believe me, if you'd had your heart

broken, you'd know about it.

Oh, yeah, I forgot you're an expert.

Yeah, I bloody well am. Well, here we go.

What?

No, go on, say it.

Well, it's just, you know, I thought we'd done this, but you just can't let

go, can you?

How do you always manage to turn yourself into the victim?

Bloody hell, the irony of that statement.

What?

Emma.

Oh, my God. Right.

Stay there.

Don't move.

I'll be there now.

What's it called?

I guess it's the first one she thought it was twinches. And ten minutes later,

she's lying on the youth club floor where my nephew's dad's sticking out to

jojo. Shut up, Amy.

Right, where's this stuff?

We're going straight to hospital.

No, I'm finishing my exam.

No, you're bloody not. That's what I said.

I said she was mental.

But she said if anyone's mental, it's me because of what I let Daryl Henderson

do to me for comic relief.

It's only an hour.

your promise.

I don't care. I don't give a toss about your stupid promise.

Well, I do.

Right, where's Sonny? He can talk some sense into you. He's doing an exam.

Mum, I'll be fine.

Honest.

Okay, well, I'm waiting here, all right?

Okay.

Where is she?

What are you doing in there?

Sean, it's me.

Call me the minute you get this.

Emma's in labor.

And put down your pencils and stop writing.

Sorry.

A big wheel. I say, you ever been to a fun fair, Rob?

Um, yeah.

Pretty shite, ain't they?

Apart from the big wheel and the toffee apples.

The toffee apples, they look nice and that, but then you cut your lip on them.

I love you, Rob. I love you, too. I mean, I don't love you. I like you,

obviously, but, um, Mom loves you, I can tell.

little boy.

Bloody hell.

My daddy.

There we are, then.

Yeah.

There we are.

Bloody hell.

I bet when you were tucking into your ex -Benedict this morning, you didn't

think you'd end up in the maternity ward of Ponterbury General.

What's Sunil's doing now? I never did that, did I?

I never held Luke.

No.

Did you call out for me like that?

No.

It should have been there.

I don't know why I just did that. I really don't know why I just did that.

Maybe we should go somewhere.

The only feelings I got for you, good boy, the feelings of relief, and in

days' time you'll be out of my life again, hopefully for good.

Oh, don't get me going, you dirty dog. She's not bad, you know.

She's not you.

Oh, what do you want, Stella?

I think I must be off my tree to a bit of news, don't you like that?

You've already lost me.

If it's even.

Hiya. But why can't we come to Canada? I hate living here. As if you truly loved

me, you wouldn't have waited 25 years to come back.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0