Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Best not to mention Rob Distella, though.

Bit of a sore point, mate. I want to go out with you because you're gorgeous and

sexy.

Yeah. With Sean?

Yeah. But you're technically old enough to be his mother, aren't you?

He's 32, all right.

Oh, Mum, you've led.

You've got a toy bike.

But what am I going to wear?

Dinner lady.

Frumpy.

Desperate. Oh.

A frumpy, desperate dinner lady. Right, well, I'm sorry, but there's only one

thing for it. I'm going to have to wear the black dress.

Black dress and Christmas jacket.

But you haven't worn that since before Ben was born. I know, but I'm going to

have to lose two stone.

Well, Sean will be doing his pension by then. Oi!

A lampy with my ironing arm in a minute.

Right, well, we'd better get you in shape then, hadn't we?

Down, boy!

No!

No, no, no!

Bye.

Bye.

Stop me fainting in the presser.

Come on, I've been really good all week.

Oh, do you have to come today as well? It's really embarrassing.

Yeah, well, tell you what, you're the one making me go. Oh, ma 'am, tell her.

Good night. You off, you proud? Oi!

God, you mingled fags.

Meet them, not clinically obese.

Ma 'am, tell him.

I told him I'm me love.

No, I'm not.

Take your note, take it. You're just winding you up, he is.

I have put on mind, haven't I?

Well, you're bound to be.

Everyone puts on. I put on three stone, will you?

Oh, great.

I've got to go.

Yeah, me too.

Bugger off, poor lad.

We've got the balls.

I told her you shouldn't have come.

Precepts!

Next week, county final.

First time ever for Ponderberry youth to make it.

OK?

On your feet.

Breathe for 20.

Why does she keep coming? She's not even a boy, like, as I want to be.

She got a date.

Don't tell my dad, though. He thinks she comes because of him.

It doesn't get any bigger.

We've got a mountain to climb.

But together we'll climb it.

In the words of that nun from The Sound of Music.

No, Maria, the old one.

Climb every mountain.

Swim every stream.

Cross all the... Right, you know the rest of it, anyway. Right!

wrote that letter to old Morgan?

Yeah. Well, he took them back with the letter to Lou.

Are you going to give it to him?

I don't know. Hey!

Nice and sharp, boys.

Right. Keep it up, Steph.

Stars. Pump them up.

Pump.

I say, I'm very impressed.

Yeah, well, I am two stone overweight.

No.

Just big bones, you are. Like me.

And Heather from EastEnders.

You certainly know how to make a woman feel good about herself, huh?

I try my best.

Last one!

Make it count!

You're gone, Amoris!

What were you doing, uncle? No way, old man!

You're a child, you're an old soldier, you're a good girl. You're the mindset

a pit bull!

personalize your journey and tread your path as an individual please record your

name after the beep my name is Alan

congratulations you have taken the first

step to fulfillment so my name is Alan it's time

to go for it your life is about to get better

Cruise. Oorenke.

How is it?

Ten days.

Baltic. Norway.

get on that donkey down Treco Bay.

And I got my foot caught in the dirt.

And I had to do the whole ride on my belly.

Too loud.

And when Gunther got me off, I was sick.

I'm thinking of getting one of those Swiss balls for the birth in the sun.

You're going to have the baby on one of them?

Maybe. Gemma Price did.

Mum. What?

That's the result.

Natasha. Oh, my God.

Nothing. Right.

Where are you going?

And don't see revision.

Em, come on. I've got biology prac on Monday.

It's the Platinum Nightman.

So? You've got dedication, that's all.

Whatever.

You all right there, Steph?

Yeah. Hiya. Hey, good luck Monday, beaut.

Hey, what?

Don't be nice to him. He's a knob.

How did you go today, Pat?

Fine, apart from the fact the whole town seems to avoid me.

Janice Maycott came in to do her car tax and walked out again when she saw I was

working there because she didn't want me knowing her registration number.

Well, she's always been a bit tough, that one. Even Ernie Trains crossed the

street earlier.

Well, you shouldn't have nicked his car, then. At least he didn't nick his

train. All right, Benny boy?

Yeah, why?

Just asking.

Is your boyfriend?

We've got three missed calls off him. Shall I answer it? No!

All right, Sean, it's Emma.

Yeah, I'll get her now. Here she is.

Should I be taking a hint?

What hint?

Well, I tried to call you a couple of times today.

Yeah, I couldn't find my phone.

Liar. Shut up, you.

Right, so this date.

How about tomorrow night?

Oh, hang on. I didn't say speed date. That's far too soon.

OK, how about next weekend?

Well, I got Ben's rugby thing.

And I always do indoor hang gliding on Sunday.

Ah, of course you do.

Listen, Stell, you're a very funny lady and a banter scraper. I can get that

from my mates around the pub.

Sorry. Are we going out or not?

I've been back at school, this.

I know, and I'd love to.

I just don't know if I'm ready yet.

She's still got a couple of stone to shift.

Shut up, you.

It's daft. You wouldn't understand.

I'll tell you what I do understand.

I want to take you out, and you've already said yes. To a painter and

that is a verbal contract. So you're not backing out now.

After the rugby, cancel the hand gliding.

Giovanni's eight o 'clock.

Okay.

Giovanni's at his friend.

Oh!

Bugger.

Another day in paradise?

We've just heard fresh, and we think it's stunning. Stunning?

What? Em told us you've got a date. And I've got to say, I almost cried with

you, didn't I, Carl?

We've been wanting you to get with someone for yonk.

Yeah, truth is, babe, Nad's always felt crap about you, ever since I two -timed

you with her.

Oh, the guilt of being unbearable, isn't it, Carl?

But now you've got a fella, I thought perhaps you could pop round one night

a girly.

We could even double date if you like.

Yeah, cos he's a top bloke.

Fancy you since top juniors, yeah? Oh, fair play.

And you're going to make a lovely couple, because you're both big, and

helps.

What are you itching on about?

Your date with Big Alan.

Oh, my date is not with Big Alan, thank you very much.

Who did with then?

Well, not that it's any of your business, but it's with Sean.

Sean Topout?

No. Maybe Sean? No.

Sean Crapshag?

I'm not Sean Crapshag.

Sean McGaskill.

Decorator fairer, drives a water bike.

Teaches boxing, then, big race gym.

Oh, you mean Scouser Sean?

Yes, Scouser Sean.

He was actually from Barnsley, but that's by the bay.

That is by... Scouser Sean.

Howie now.

Which was he, then?

No one in, Pratt.

Are you looking for me?

Mr David Koch?

Very soon.

Fine here, will you?

Don't expect I've won the pools, have I?

No.

So, you'll definitely be there.

Kick -off's 11.

Yes. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

See my little band play.

And I've saved your seat in the VIP enclosure.

Oh, you love a VIP enclosure, don't you, Al?

Didn't even know we had one.

Yeah, it was still a new addition.

Oh, good God.

Where did that spring from?

My old dog.

Princess.

Looking after him, I am, for Melissa Lake.

Alan?

Don't mention my name.

What are you doing?

That dog hates me still.

I feel like a prisoner on my own home.

Took me half an hour to get to the cereal this morning.

And then he wouldn't let me eat the milk. I'd have it dry.

Weetabix. Princess of the Heath?

Aye.

That dog used to love me, but now you can't even say my name in front of him.

Oh, Alan.

Don't be silly.

Probably growls at all sorts of names. Look.

Albert.

Alison.

Alma.

Alan.

a stripy one before, Babs? Oh, they do all sorts these days, Del.

This one's just a bit childish, you know. It doesn't take itself too

Now, she's in the office, she is. Paul!

Del's here!

Coffee? No sugar, no nothing.

This'll get him going on your date.

Not a chance.

Even if I lived on grapes and licked lettuce all week.

And anyway, I don't... I want to get him going.

I just want to look half -decent, that's all.

Oh, bloody hell, Paul, why did you say yes?

Life's gone all complicated now. I'll have to shave my legs and everything. I

haven't done that for years.

You minger.

Nor that, neither.

If you need any waxing, then I'm your man, I like Paul. Oh, aye.

Sex begins at 40.

40 quid by the look of it.

Oh, God, don't mention sex.

It's only a bowl of spaghetti, man. I couldn't have...

Good. Private time for the ladies.

Make yourself useful. Go and polish the stiff shifter or something.

OK.

Your Auntie Paula is going to teach you a few tricks of the trade.

That's right, Kosh.

David Kosh.

What it is, see, I got this letter and it... Sorry?

Oh, right.

What time, like?

But I only left it there two minutes, Mrs.

It was only a few inches over the yellow line.

Honest. Two minutes, you say?

Two minutes?

Well, I can't. I feel I need to yell. Carry on, carry on.

A few inches, you say?

I know your type, young man.

A few inches now, a few inches later. Next thing, you'll be sticking it where

you are. This is ridiculous.

Stella!

Oh, role play is one of the best ways to bring out your inner confidence.

When Di had his accident, that's what made him a man again.

That and the cream. Don't mess with the cream. Look, all I am saying is, listen

to one who knows.

Now, you want Sean to say he was mysterious and experienced, and you...

but not a bloody nutter.

All right, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to lend you the

uniform. What uniform? Traffic warden. It will be a little bit snug, but that's

half the joy.

Paula! I want you to try it on and practice at home in front of the mirror,

Right, Di's there now.

Drop off some stock for me. Pick up the costume at the same time. Oh, for God's

sake. Stella.

I've got an active sex life, and you haven't. So which one of us knows Ben?

Eh?

Di?

Please.

You go, then.

Just dropping this stuff off at Paul's. He said I'm going to borrow something

from my wardrobe, so...

You look a bit suspicious like that.

Sorry, I was just... So is it OK if I go now?

What?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

You all right, Bout?

Not really, no.

So the reality is, Mr Koch, you've been receiving a weekly payment in social

security benefits as a top -up to your army redundancy payout since 1986.

Am I right?

Yeah, but he never asked for it. Leave it, sir.

Nonetheless, the fact remains that... And he never asked to leave the army,

did he ask to get injured. The payment was made on a basis. You were not fit

able to seek work.

You're trying to say my brother's a shirker?

That means bugger all.

For what? He likes helping people.

Bloody hell, that was only a couple of days ago.

How much exactly has to be paid?

£9 ,871.

76 pence.

You've got three weeks before you have to go to court. You pay it before then,

you won't get charged.

Charged? What with?

Fraud.

Well, me and your dad could do four grand.

Not just saving.

I just thought we could get him a loan, that's all, between us, like.

There'll be no loans in this house, my girl.

Your grandmother would turn in a grave.

She's not dead yet, ma 'am. Well, that does maybe.

You and Dad have saved all your life for your savings. What about your girl's

crew and Dad's lion trip?

Dies my son.

Your Dad's British blimmin' lion trip can wait.

Been planning that as long as I can remember.

Well, a few years more will matter then, will it?

Oh, look out.

You've gone all deep and meaningful.

Well, the bank say then.

The bank say no.

Shit.

Right, well, let's not panic.

Mam's lending you her savings, that's four grand.

And I love a word with Carl.

He always feels guilty for leaving me, so he's usually good for a few quid.

Stella, I can't. Yes, you can.

I mean, we'll probably only get half the money, but at least if you show

willing, they might go easy on you.

Bloody hell, Stella.

It's so humiliating.

Why didn't I see it coming?

I'm a waste of bloody space, aren't I? No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I'm no good to no one. Yes, you are.

No, no, I'm an idiot.

Useless idiot.

Right, you're starting to annoy me now, Viv.

I'm doing my best for you.

You've got to pull your finger out and all.

Feeling sorry for yourself won't get you nowhere.

Sorry.

And you're going to have to tell Paula.

No way. It'll kill her.

Yeah, and it'll kill her if you don't tell her.

Oh, come on, Mundi.

Worst things have happened at sea.

Chrissie, bathroom's free. Use it.

Em, do you know if you had something and nobody knew about it, well, apart from

little Al, something private that someone had given you... Oh, shut up,

I'm a sister.

Don't talk to me about it.

You've got a rash where you shouldn't. That goes to Dr Cronje.

Ah, Rose.

So good of you to join me at the captain's table tonight.

Why, Captain Smith, shouldn't you be on the bridge?

Because I hear there are icebergs all around us.

Not to worry for the Titanic, my dear.

We'll be in New York by morn.

Red?

But of course.

Why, Captain Smith, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were trying to get

me drunk.

You're hiding something from me, aren't you?

Yes.

This is going to be our last night together.

What? I'm afraid, Rose, I've been lying to you. The ship has suffered a most

catastrophic damage. She will sink in just five hours.

Is that all?

No time?

No time for life?

For love?

For us?

Oh, kiss me, Captain.

Kiss me quick.

Rose. Captain.

She's going down, Rose.

She's going down.

Not before me, Captain.

Not before me.

Oh.

Thank you for last night.

It was, as always, beautiful and exciting.

But for reasons I cannot divulge, I'm afraid I have to leave you.

Please don't try and follow me.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Die.

Captain Smith!

P .S. I'm not messing around.

This isn't a joke or a sex game.

I really have gone.

Butterfly, butterfly.

All I can say is, what a complete dick.

Oh, and shut up your sobbing, Bobby, will you? It's not helping nothing.

Yeah, Bob, go and watch Mr. Lang.

I'll be back tonight. You watch.

You know, he gets these funny moves sometimes.

Funny ideas.

Yeah. And I mean, I know it's ten grand, but it's still not the end of the

world, is it?

No reason to do a runner, like.

What do you want about ten grand?

Not a point, Stel. You know what he gets like. You should have told me last

night and then I could have stopped him.

She's right, Stel. You should have said.

I could have told him.

Oh,

don't say that, my daddy.

Don't tell me.

You've changed your mind.

This is a bit embarrassing.

I know you're not officially my boyfriend, and you might not even want

mean, we haven't even kissed. Yet.

But I am in a bit of a mess, and I need a sort of boyfriend -type -like to help

me out.

Well, I'd love to be your sort of boyfriend -type -like.

How can I be of assistance?

No, don't worry, Gar.

He's just plain silly because he is.

Aye.

Yeah, well, tell him to call me if you see him.

Yeah, and tell him I'll tan his arse for him when he gets home.

Di, come on, love.

Stella's told me about the money. It's fine.

Now, be a good lad and give me a call, eh?

We just want to know you're OK.

Well, we've been all over. Bus station, train station, taxi rank.

Billy the Pound Shop thought he saw him yesterday, but it was just Eric Lloyd in

a camouflage jacket.

Oh. Oh, come off it, man, Daddy.

Now you're just being melodramatic.

Well, I can't do any arm work, can I, Paws?

So, I think I've got everything.

Just to double -check, it's Cosh with a K?

Yes.

Oh, and what was he wearing? I didn't ask.

When you last saw him?

A ship's captain's uniform.

Right.

OK, well, I think that should be enough to be going on with for now.

Thank you.

No,

not that I know of, Daddy.

But let me get back to you on that.

Oh, that.

This isn't, you know, a wind -up, is it?

It's not one of your little games.

No.

I heard about him earlier.

It's all over the place.

Gone AWOL.

Absent without leave.

Left base camp.

Headed off on a solo mission.

Grabbed the sack and hit the track.

Caught his tail and tucked it up. Yeah, we know what AWOL means, thanks, Yanto.

But any idea where he might actually be, though?

The mind of an ex -soldier is a complex one, still.

Dignity to drive it. Sometimes we need to walk away from life.

Spend time alone and visit the dark corners of our souls.

Especially a man like Di, a man who saw action in the Falklands.

A man who so cruelly had to leave the services after his injury in Northern

Ireland. Having to pull out because his uncle went changing a tyre in Belfast,

there's no reason to visit the dark corners of anywhere left. Now, I'm sorry

bring you back from the beaches, but where do you think he is?

Sorry, Stella, no idea.

Shall we try somewhere else?

Yes. Who's this, sir?

You fancy man?

No, he's not a new fancy man. Does that mean there was an old fancy man? No.

Certainly a handsome fancy man.

Will everyone stop using the word fancy man? He started it.

Good for you, my love.

Because, in all fairness, I don't think you've had a bit of news of him.

Right, shall we get going, then? It was that chap from Newport, mine, wasn't it?

Wasn't it me, the clucky noise?

Finish your drink.

Clucky noise. Finish your drink.

Die.

You've got me worried now.

Will you stop being a complete prat to get your arse back here rapid?

Die!

Die!

Die, Davis, or die, Kosh.

that is yours.

Plan the way ahead.

Follow your heart.

Form your own destiny.

It's been days now, Ken.

What has not been?

I know, love, but it's not like you haven't done it before, is it? That's

the point.

He's still missing.

I mean, what the bloody police doing?

We should be making it appear on the worst news.

Big day today.

How are you feeling, kid?

Nervous? All right, Ken. Too much now.

Yeah, a bit.

There's a post.

God, look at this thing.

Postman on strike all over the country.

Letters get lost every blooming day. Whether it's a promotion from a

or a reminder from the gaffer.

Sorting monsoon wouldn't stop it landing on you a doorstep.

Gumpa, there's another letter for you.

For Luke.

Hang on a minute, beaut.

Look at this for you.

It's from dying.

Right.

Get this down, you.

Nice sausage roll.

Does that copper get back to you yet? No.

All right!

from dying, you know, right?

He didn't reckon that... Mum, Dad, tell Paul I'm OK and I'm sorry. I just need

some time to clear my head.

The little shit.

I know my words. Little bastard.

Bastard. Putting me through all that and all the time he is having a jolly and

bracket.

I tell him I will. The selfish sort of a shitty bitch. Come on now, love. This

is the drink talking.

Sorry to interrupt, but the rugby's starting in an hour and we've got to

up. Oh, bollocks.

Oh, it's OK.

You go.

You go.

Where is my favourite nephew?

You go and win that rugby game for your Aunty Paula, yeah?

And your Aunty Paula is going to go and get your Uncle Daddy and bring him home,

yeah? You're not going nowhere, good girl. Not in that state.

the rugby, I'm going to take Paula to find Di.

Now, don't worry, Presh.

We'll be back in time for the game. You just play your best, all right? You

can't go to Brecon on your tricycle, love. Yes, we can.

She can do anything. She's my best friend.

Oh, yeah, pipe down a minute, Paul. We'll just go.

Come on, love.

Oh, I love you. Yeah, coffee. Now, meet that hostage, Roan.

Look, it's Mum.

How do you fancy driving her?

So, when we get to Brecon Town Centre, you start at the lower end, me and Sean

will start at the top. We're going to find him, Paul. We won't be in Brecon

Centre. We will be in the Brecon Beacons.

What?

That's where we'll be.

In our special place. It's where we do Wuthering Heights. Oh, God. Wuthering

Heights? Yeah, she pretends to be Cathy and I pretend to be Heathcliff.

Seriously, don't ask.

Oi, oi.

My favourite nephew.

Where's the keys? Let me at her.

I know you've always wanted to say that.

Up for it? Yeah.

Got any supporters coming?

Don't worry, she'll be here.

No, I don't mean you.

Nice day for it.

Hope you are ready to get the shits kicked out of you, Williams.

Nice.

Shits?

Hey, fancy coming up the bond later? Luke says he's abandoned.

I can't.

Forget it. No one can revise that much. It's not normal.

Because I'm fat, isn't it?

What? You keep avoiding me because I've gone fat with a baby.

You're gorgeous.

I can't even tell... Abe, please.

Piss off, son.

I'll stay here, keep an eye. This place is a paradise for car thieves.

Apparently.

Give the Valleys a bad name, don't they?

Ain't no language.

Actually,

Daddy, I think you might be right.

Stupid man sometimes.

Yeah, you are. You're a total twat.

And I adore you.

I am you, Heathcliff.

You're always in my mind.

Not as a pleasure, but as my only being.

Be with me always.

Oh, God.

Take any form.

And do the accent.

What? Heathcliff's accent, Yorkshire.

Is she serious?

Oh, Cathy.

Cathy!

Don't leave me in a bit where I cannot find you. Oh, Tom.

Oh. Shall we, um... Yep.

Go away!

Right now!

Right! Right now!

Go on!

Go on!

Go on! Go on!

Go on!

Find him?

Yeah.

They're still, you know... Right.

Anyway, you'll have to wait till they finish.

I've got to get to this rugby match.

Remember that nun?

Climb. Forget the nun. Forget the nun.

Look, you've got the skill.

You've got the pace.

You've just got to keep it open, boys.

Believe. Yeah.

Stop breathing.

I think he needs mouth to mouth.

Leave it to me.

You're all right, bud.

Easy!

Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy! Easy! Easy!

Easy

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, ma 'am.

Yeah.

The way they did their mushrooms.

They were, like, out to this world, weren't they? Yeah, you said. I'd

go there again, not that I'm expecting you to pay. Oh, this is lovely, mind.

You've done this up really nice.

I love how you've done with that wall. That's really nice of you. Oh, you would

do it up nice, wouldn't you, being a decorator and that? Do you want a lager?

Yeah, go on, then.

Oh, and it's the tea's lovely and all.

Try sitting on it.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, nice.

And you haven't got a bad view, actually, have you?

Not that I can see much at this time of night.

Cheers.

I do love a beer, Mia.

My dad always says a beer's a bitter, not a lager. It's American, though,

it? We say so many things in American, yeah?

Stop talking.

I know I'm with you, and I am. It's just that I'm not really sure what I... Oh,

God.

Come on.

Hang on a sec.

Look, Sean, I, um... I haven't really done this. You know, I haven't...

Actually... You slept with anyone? Yeah.

For ages.

Like, really ages.

Well, not since that fellow. The fellow who made the clucking noise?

It wasn't a cluck. It was more of a hiccup.

Anyway, the thing is... I think I may have forgotten how to do it.

In that case, I'm going to have to remind you, aren't I?

You've been busy.

How'd you find all this out?

It's from your dad.

You! Oh, Mrs B, you is looking mighty fine divine.

What's the matter with you? Have you been up all night drinking?

No. I've been up all night shagging.

Can we do it again?

Come on, then.

I just don't want him hurting Emma, that's all.

Like my dad did to you, you mean?

She sold him over bar guy by wearing amulets.

Kissing like.

What's he doing here? Get out. I told you we're finished.

Please, Luke.

Just say the word.

We have so much to talk about.

Oh my God, I'm 42 and I'm snogging in the street.

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