Original subtitles

Oh! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

Hang in there. It'll pass.

Going... going...

going...

Okay, okay, I'm good.

Oh! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

I don't think "brain freeze"

is an accurate description here.

ALAN: Oh, geez.

It's Mom.

Aw, great.

Who's that she's with?

CHARLIE: I don't know,

but they haven't been dating long.

How can you tell?

He's still smiling.

All right, let's get out of here before she sees us.

How? They're standing in front of the door.

We'll go out the back.

JAKE: Hey, look.

I'm a rabid dog. (growling)

Aw, damn it!

Plan B?

Bathroom.

But I don't have to pee! Go, go!

Now what, we just wait here until they leave?

Would you rather go out there

and chat with Mom and her new boyfriend?

Hey, Evelyn, get me a muffin, too.

Whew! Somebody's drinking more than coffee.

Gonna be long?

JAKE: I don't know.

(whistling "Bingo")

(continues whistling "Bingo")

(joins in whistling)

(Charlie and Alan continue whistling)

JAKE: * And Bingo was his name-o!

All yours. Thanks.

(whistling "Swanee")

(continues whistling)

Uh, thanks.

So, listen, when you guys are done screwing around in here,

your mother would like to talk to you.

JAKE: Can I come out now?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

(chuckles): Hey!

Look who's here!

It's Mom. Hey, Mom.

Oh, stop it, both of you.

I can't believe I'm such a horrible person,

you have to hide from me in public.

We weren't hiding.

Which does not invalidate your premise.

Uh, Jake had, uh, had stomach problems.

Don't put this on me.

I apologize for my children.

Oh, no problem.

Teddy Leopold.

Oh, hi. Uh, Alan.

This is my brother, my son Jake.

How you doing?

Evelyn's told me a lot of wonderful things about you boys.

Not buying it, huh?

I tried.

Teddy lives in Denver, but he does a lot of business in L.A.

So I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.

What's a pied-à-terre?

It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma."

Mom! Mom!

Oh, relax. It's not gonna scar him.

Yeah, but what about us?

Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you.

We got to bring the kid back to his mother's.

Again, you're putting it on me?

Nice to meet you, too.

Yeah. Bye-bye. See you, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Wait, I have to pee.

You've peed enough.

* Men...

(phone ringing)

"Teddy Leopold."

Do we know a Teddy Leopold?

That's Mom's new boyfriend.

Oh, right, of course.

(ringing continues)

Aren't you curious why he's calling?

(ringing continues) Not particularly.

What if something happened to Mom?

Then we'll just wait for Dorothy to bring us the broom.

Give me the phone.

Hello?

Uh, no, no, this is Alan.

Hi, Teddy. What's up?

Uh-huh.

Oh...

(laughs): Wow. That is, uh, that is quite an offer

Uh, I-I'd love to.

Hang on, I'll ask him.

Uh, Teddy has invited us...

I'm busy.

Do you at least want to hear what it is? Nope.

Charlie can't make it, but can you still take me?

(laughs): Really? Gee, thanks.

I'll, uh, guess I'll see you then.

(chuckling quietly)

(singsongy): You're gonna be sorry.

(singsongy): You're gonna be homeless.

Why do you always have to play that card?

Look, Alan, I have no interest

in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.

Why not? He seems like a great guy.

He might be the greatest guy in the world,

but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had.

Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances.

No matter what, you're left standing on the curb

with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation,

waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!

Okay, this isn't about Teddy, is it?

Hey, hey, you want to be buddies with this guy, go right ahead.

I got better things to do.

Better than ringside seats

to the heavyweight championship fight

at Caesar's Palace tomorrow night?

What?

Ringside.

Ringside?

Any closer, and we'd be sitting in the spit bucket.

Should I call him back

and tell him you've changed your mind?

No, no. No.

He's just using us to get closer to Mom.

When we were kids, it was Disneyland and cotton candy.

Now it's ringside seats. And a private plane.

He's got a private plane?

And a limo

and a penthouse suite.

Still not interested?

Nope.

Still have better things to do? Yep.

(laughs): Do you realize what a stubborn child you sound like?

I do. You're not gonna give it up, are ya?

Not a chance.

(sighs): Okay, then...

good night.

Good night.

(grunting)

* Men...

(doorbell rings) ALAN: Oh, boy!

Teddy's here!

Charlie, Teddy's here!

Oh, boy.

Hi, Al. You all packed? (laughing)

Are you kidding? I packed last night.

I was too excited to sleep.

Terrific.

Where's Charlie?

Uh, out on the deck.

Give me a minute. I want to say hi.

Can I go sit in the limo?

Knock yourself out.

There's sushi.

Sushi in a car! Oh, boy!

This is your other plans?

Not all of 'em.

Later I'm gonna go inside and watch some girl-on-girl porn.

Beautiful.

Look, I still have an extra ticket to the fight,

and there's plenty of room on the plane.

No, thanks.

Did I do something to tick you off?

You know, aside from slipping it to your mother.

No, no. It's just I prefer not to get involved in her personal life.

I'm not asking you to get involved in her personal life.

I'm asking you to come to Vegas with me and see a fight.

Yeah, but why?

I don't know, you seem like a nice guy.

Don't you have your own friends?

Charlie, when you get to be my age,

most of your friends are either married or dead.

What's the difference?

The dead ones smell up my plane.

Come on, throw some clothes on, and let's go have some fun.

Eh, what the hell.

Just do me a favor.

Let's keep this between us.

I want your mother to think that I went on a business trip.

No problem.

My mother still thinks I went to college.

Beautiful.

* Men...

(crowd chatter, whistles)

Hey, Charlie, you need anything?

Teddy, if I was any happier, my pants would be wet.

Hey, Teddy, uh, can we get some gelato after the fight?

Anything you want, kid.

(chuckles): Gee, thanks.

Hiya.

What's up?

You know, I've, uh, I've never really been

a big fan of the pugilistic arts, but...

I have to admit, I'm getting kind of swept away in the pageantry of the event.

Uh-huh.

I like your bling very much.

I, uh, I tried to pierce the ear once,

but it got horribly infected.

Hey, uh, uh, you know where we could score some good gelato?

Nah.

(sighs)

Word.

I think that might be that Snoopy fellow.

Terrific.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi, Evelyn.

Yeah. How are you, sweetheart?

Good, good.

Where am I?

(bell rings)

San Francisco.

I'm going into a meeting. Uh, can I call you back?

REFEREE: No shots below the waist.

Love you, too, sweetheart.

Bye.

You're very good.

Yeah.

I've got five grand on the big Russian.

Either of you fellows like to have a piece of my action?

I'll take half.

Attaboy.

How about you, Alan?

Oh, what the heck. I'm in Vegas.

Put me down for $20, no, $25.

(bell rings)

Make it $20.

(crowd cheering)

REFEREE: One, two, three,

four, five...

How do you say "Get up" in Russian?

seven, eight...

* Men.

nine, ten.

Unbelievable, an eighteen second fight.

Takes me longer to start peeing.

Yeah, thanks so much

for giving me half your action on the guy.

No problem. You want the other half?

No, I'm good.

(video game trills)

Oh, yeah, baby!

20 dead presidents.

I'm even!

Was he a preemie?

Actually, we both were.

Our mom waits nine months for nothing.

Hey, fellas, I want to show you something.

What do you think?

Nice.

Yeah. Who's it for?

Your mother.

No, seriously.

I know it's kind of old-fashioned, but, uh,

I wanted to run it by you guys before I asked her.

Ask her what?

Charlie, I love your mom.

I want to marry her.

But... but... you could do so much better.

That's no way to talk about your mother.

That's precisely the way to talk about my mother.

Charlie, be supportive.

I thought I was being supportive.

Regardless of what you guys think about her,

Evelyn is a great broad.

I want to marry her and I would like your blessing.

You got my blessing, Teddy.

Shut up and eat your gelato.

Come on, Charlie. Wouldn't it be great to have a dad again?

I'm a grown man, Alan. I don't need a father anymore.

Would any of you gentleman like a date?

Sorry, doll, I'm taken, but I wouldn't mind

footing the bill for my two boys here.

Hi, I'm Amber.

I'm Tiffany.

Thanks, Daddy! Thanks, Daddy!

* Men...

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing, nothing.

How was work?

You don't care about my work.

What's under the pillow?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Modern Bride?

I just read it for the articles.

Really?

Okay, I was looking for ideas

because I thought it would be nice if we had the wedding

for Teddy and Mom here in the house.

Oh, my God!

You're a mind reader!

I didn't want to bring it up

'cause I was afraid you might say no.

But I was up all night doing research.

Now, I'm thinking a sunset ceremony

with the guests gathered on the beach below

as the bride and groom cross onto the deck

wearing traditional Polynesian wedding garb,

surrounded by tropical flowers and tiki torches.

Okay, what about it don't you like?

'Cause I was a little iffy on the tiki torches.

You're a little iffy in so many ways.

Okay, we can hammer out the details later.

The thing to remember is that we're doing this for someone we love.

Right.

Teddy. Teddy.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Her, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?

Yeah, she joined the Mormon church so she can get

a rent-controlled apartment in Salt Lake City.

Oh, you mean your mom. No.

We're getting a new dad.

He's great. His name is Teddy.

He took us to a boxing match.

He bought us prostitutes and gelato.

Well, congratulations. I'm real happy for you boys.

Thanks. Thanks.

I think my news was far more interesting.

I'm going to call Teddy and tell him our plan.

Oh, great. Ask him how he feels about tiki torches.

Hey, Teddy, it's Charlie.

And Alan! Hi, Teddy!

Yeah, Alan says hi.

Listen, we've been thinking about the wedding...

(whispers): Tiki torches.

What? You're kidding.

What?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Wow, I don't believe it.

What?!

Mom turned him down.

That bitch!

Gee, Teddy, I don't know what to say.

I feel terrible.

Well, this doesn't mean we couldn't still hang out, right?

So you'll call us? Great, great.

Look forward to it. All right, bye-bye.

I know that tone of voice. We'll never hear from him.

No tiki torches?

I don't understand. How could Mom say no to him?

He was perfect for her.

Forget her. He was perfect for us.

I'm closing the door to my heart, Charlie.

It just hurts too much.

Screw it. This isn't over. Come on.

Where are we going?

We are going to talk some sense into our mother.

Really?

It's hard to imagine that turning out well.

* Men...

Mom?! Mom, where the hell are you?

Maybe she's not home.

She's home. Her car's in the driveway, the alarm's not on.

Mom!

Boys, I gave you that key for emergencies,

not to barge in on me like the Gestapo.

We want to talk to you about Teddy.

Teddy? Why in the world would you want to talk about Teddy?

Because we love Teddy.

And you broke his heart.

Hang on a second.

You met the man for five minutes in a coffee shop.

Well, it was a good five minutes.

Evelyn, what the hell's going on?

I'll be right with you, sweetie.

Look, this is not the best time.

Oh, come on, Evy,

the Viagra's starting to make my ears burn.

Who are these clowns?

Ah, Hugo, darling, these are my sons,

Charlie and Alan.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

You didn't tell me you had any kids.

I sure didn't sign on for any kids.

Just give me a minute, darling.

I'll be right with you.

If I wanted to see any kids, I'd go visit my own.

How old are these nuts?

From over here, they look about a hundred.

Mom, what about Teddy?

Can we please

have this conversation another time?

No, no, no, no. We are having it right now.

What do you want me to say?

Teddy's fine. I like Teddy,

but he's ready to settle down and I'm not.

I want my freedom.

Okay, I get freedom, but come on.

Teddy's way better than this guy.

As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas

in which he just doesn't measure up to Hugo.

Oh, Mom! Oh, Mom!

It's the biggest I've ever seen.

Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.

But, but, but Teddy...

I don't want to hear it.

You have no say in this.

This is my life.

And right now I don't want to be tied down.

I want options.

(bowl hits floor)

Hugo?

Hugo?

Oh, God, no!

Quick, somebody, give me the phone!

Come on! Come on!

Here, here.

Oh, God.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Hello, Teddy?

Oh, I'm so glad I caught you in.

* Men...

I hope you can forgive me, Teddy.

I just needed time to think about it.

It's like they say,

"You don't know what you got till it's gone."

Yes,

yes, my darling, I love you, too.

Well, I'll be right over.

(loud kiss)

(sighs)

Could someone please put a sheet over him?

Mom, shouldn't we call 911?

Well, call whoever you want. The man is dead.

You're really going to leave and go to Teddy's?

Well, I can't very well invite him over here.

All right! She's going back to Teddy!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, a little respect.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Okay, who's our daddy?

Teddy! * Men.