Original subtitles

(keys jingling, phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hey, Julia; I was just on my way over.

Anything I need to bring?

Thai food, wine, batteries?

What do you mean, "Don't come"?

(sighs)

Gee, do you really think your psychiatrist

is the best judge of who you should sleep with?

Well, sure you could do better.

We could both do better.

But in the meantime, I am on my way over.

Okay, okay, need to stop you here.

There is a big difference

between "meaningless" and "degrading."

You know what?

I think we just have to agree to disagree.

Okay, then, you have a nice life, too.

Why do these women insist on getting well?

Hey, Alan... Hang on, Charlie.

This is an important moment,

and I want to savor it.

Alan...

J.

Harper.

What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Not an alimony check.

This is my final alimony check.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, wait.

Judith is getting married this weekend.

Exactly.

And you know what that means.

You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Good one. No.

It means Alan gets new underwear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pick up my son

and deliver this last drop of blood money

to the former Mrs. Alan Harper

and soon-to-be Mrs. Herb Melnick.

May God have mercy on his soul.

Amen.

So, you want some company?

You want to come with me?

Eh, why not? I don't have any plans.

You got stood up again, didn't you?

I'm starting to think all these girls

have the same damn shrink.

All right, well, if you're gonna come, grab your camera.

You can take some snapshots of Pharaoh Judith

letting her Alan go.

Got the camera right here.

You carry it with you?

I thought I had a date.

Takes video, too.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Stopping at the copy place was a great idea.

And the picture will make a terrific Christmas card.

JUDITH: Want to get the door, Herb?!

HERB: Stop yelling at me!

I'm not yelling!

(louder): This is yelling!

You know what? This really isn't that funny.

Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.

Herb. Hey.

This a bad time?

The Spanish Inquisition was a bad time.

This is hell.

Come in.

So what's going on?

A little pre- wedding jitters?

You could call it that,

but we'd just be sugar-coating hell.

Oh, don't worry.

As soon as Judith puts on that beautiful white gown

and starts marching down that aisle...

She doesn't want to wear white.

Says it makes her look fat.

Oh, well, that's nice.

She wants to look trim and fit

for the honeymoon.

You're sugar-coating hell again, Alan.

If you really want to help the guy,

stop talking and smother him with a pillow.

Hey.

Hey, there's the blushing bride.

She doesn't look fat at all.

Go ahead. Give her the check.

What check?

Oh, uh, well, I-I figured as long as I was here,

that I would give you your last and final alimony check.

Got it.

What the hell are you doing?

Just a little souvenir.

I'll go find Jake.

See? She's being a good sport.

Let's get one with the big check.

Forget the big check.

So, um, you know, um, I-I read an interesting story the other day.

Uh, married men live, on average,

ten years longer than single men.

What if they don't want to?

Come on, you and Judith were made for each other.

What could possibly come between you?

My sister.

You got a sister?

Down, Charlie.

She came out a few days early to help with the wedding,

but it's not really helping.

What does she look like? Charlie!

She doesn't have a therapist, does she?

Charlie, I swear to God!

So what do you think?

Should I wear it or have a vet check it for worms?

No, no, it looks fine.

Oh, Myra, this is Judith's first husband, Alan.

Hi. So how does this work?

Do you get your original testicles back

or does my brother give you his?

Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Not in my house.

Myra, this is Alan's brother, Charlie.

Oh, yeah, the booze- riddled sleazebag.

She did not hear that from me.

It's not like it's a big secret.

JUDITH: Myra,

where the hell is Jake?

How should I know?

Because I asked you to get him ready to go to his father's.

You also asked me to try on this satin stool sample.

Herb, tell your sister it's a lovely dress.

Herb, tell your fiancée the diet pills

are affecting her judgment but not her ass.

That's it, she's got to go.

I can't throw out family!

And that's the bitch of it, Herb.

Hey, um, Charlie and I

were thinking of taking Jake out to a movie.

We were? We were.

Myra, would you like to join us?

You didn't say anything about a movie.

I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, you know what? That's a great idea.

Go to a movie with Alan and Charlie.

Can I wear my pretty new dress?

Get her out, Herb.

Hey, look what I found in the bushes.

* Men...

(sighs)

God, I hate family movies.

What, you don't buy the central premise

that a dog can play hockey?

Well, not as a power forward.

Oh. We're flying the friendly skies, are we?

After you.

(smacks lips) Why, thank you.

So, you're staying at Judith's.

Yep.

What does she say about me?

Well, if she's telling the truth,

we really shouldn't be drinking out of the same cup.

That might be the nicest thing

she's ever said about me.

I just don't understand what my brother sees in her.

You know, 15 years ago I asked the exact same question.

A little tip?

Don't do it during the wedding toast.

Maybe you can clear something up for me.

Herb says you're a successful jingle writer,

but Judith says you are a drunken talentless hack

who passed out and fell into a pit of money.

So what do you need cleared up?

(clears throat) Boy, you got me at a disadvantage.

I don't know why Judith hates you.

Hmm, it's hard to say.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm smart.

Maybe it's because I'm independent.

Maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars

to call off the wedding.

I did the same thing with my brother.

You did?

...but the thought was the same.

So, Myra... what do you do?

I teach high school economics.

Huh.

It may sound like a boring life,

but at night, I dress up like a giant spider and fight crime.

Interesting. Now, did you decide spider

and have the costume made

or did you find the costume and say, "Okay, spider"?

Are you mocking the Scarlet Arachnid?

Sorry, sorry.

It's just hard to believe that you're Herb's sister.

He's so...

Hapless?

I was going to say "tall," but hapless works.

To hapless Herb.

To the Scarlet Arachnid.

Shh.

(whispering): My enemies are everywhere.

* Men...

* Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go the lobby *

* Let's all go the lobby and have ourselves a treat. *

We're here.

Oh, yes, Judith's house of pain.

Shh, shh, ixnay!

That's her id-kay.

We're... here.

Well, thanks for the movie.

Wait. Wait, wait.

I'll walk you. Why, thank you.

CHARLIE: Whoa!

(thud)

MYRA: You okay?

CHARLIE: I never know till I sober up.

I think they like each other.

Well, sure they like each other.

No, I mean, they like like each other.

(chuckles) Oh, no, Jake.

Your Uncle Charlie only like likes

a certain type of woman.

Mom calls 'em tramps.

That's as good a word as any.

(sighs) Thanks, that was fun.

Yeah, it was.

See ya around.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

Who cares?

Looks like Aunt Myra's a tramp, huh?

* Men...

It's no big deal.

That's how Charlie says good-bye.

Some people shake hands, some people wave,

my brother darts his tongue in and out of your mouth.

What'd I miss?

You know Dr. Melnick?

Guy your mom's marrying?

He has a sister... Got it.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with you, Judith.

Wait, hang on a second.

Jake, are you done with your breakfast?

Yeah. Then get out.

Fine, Berta will just tell me later, right?

Right.

Okay, Judith, that's insane.

Charlie would not do Myra just to piss you off.

I don't think.

How would I know what he sees in her?

She got working girl parts?

You know what?

You leave. Send Jake back.

Okay, okay. Fine, fine.

I'll talk to him.

(chuckles) I, I don't know.

I'll, uh, I'll tell him to keep his hands off Myra.

And then I'll tell the rain not to fall,

the Earth not to spin and you to stop nagging me!

Oh, boy, I'm going to pay for that.

You know what your problem is?

Phone cojones.

Excuse me?

When you're on the phone with her,

you got boulders between your legs.

The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Phone cojones.

Good to have a name for it.

So, tell me about the sister.

(sighs) I don't know.

She doesn't seem like his type at all.

What, no coin slot in her forehead?

Morning. Morning.

Charlie, we need to talk about Myra.

Yeah, that was probably a mistake.

It was?

She's a nice kid, but...

she's just not, you know...

A red-hot simpleton with no self-respect?

I just hope she didn't take

that whole kiss thing too seriously.

So, you're not planning on pursuing her?

No, no, no.

In fact, I got a date tonight

with a lovely sex addict whose therapist is on vacation.

It's what we eligible bachelors

call "a window of opportunity."

You know, Charlie, there's a special section in hell

reserved for people like you.

That's good,

'cause I'd hate to have to stand on line.

So I'm like, "Yeah, I can make a lot of money

"as a lingerie model, but then who's

gonna take me seriously as a director?"

Good point.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't beautiful.

I mean, ugly people have it so easy, you know?

I've heard.

So, what about you? Still writing jingles?

Just during the day.

At night, I dress up as a big spider and fight crime.

Huh. You know, I dated a cop once.

Well, it wasn't so much a date

as a way to get out of a ticket.

Interesting.

Okay. Here we are.

Ah. I hope this place has fresh lobster.

That frozen stuff is just disgusting.

* Men...

JUDITH: You know what, Herb?

Forget it. I'll do it myself.

HERB: I said I would do it-- I'll do it!

MYRA: For God's sake, Judith, get off his back!

JUDITH: No one's talking to you, Myra!

HERB: Okay, everyone calm down.

I'm doing it.

Oh. Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Herb.

Just taking out the trash.

Yeah, I'm coming from doing the same thing.

Great. He leaves the door wide op...

What the hell are you doing here?

That's a good question.

See, the thing is I...

Oh, hey, Charlie.

Hi, Myra.

No. No. I forbid it.

Not in my house.

What brings you to the cul-de-sac of the damned?

Just in the neighborhood.

That's nice.

Come on in.

Thanks.

I said no! Doesn't anybody listen to me?!

I'm doing it! Look!

You know, I really didn't expect to see you again.

Well, I wasn't doing anything, so...

MYRA: No, Alan, listen to me.

He's here right now!

Why would I kid about that?

I don't know, maybe his other date didn't work out.

Ah, the plot thickens.

(sighs) Okay, okay, I can explain.

No, I can't.

Give it a shot.

Well, um...

I was with this girl, and I suddenly realized

that I'd rather be with someone who I, you know,

actually enjoy being with.

Oh just forget it, Alan; you're useless.

(hangs up phone) Herb, do something!

Hey.

I'm thinking about going out for ice cream.

Anyone want to join me?

Charlie, when's the last time you had a cone with sprinkles?

You know what, Herb? Judith can relax.

I'm gonna check into a hotel.

(sighs) Myra, no.

You don't have to do that.

Yes, she does.

Hey, she's my sister!

She can stay as long as she wants!

I really appreciate this.

I'll go get my stuff.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You don't have to stay at a hotel.

I got plenty of room at my place.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

N-N-No, no, no, no.

No strings attached.

Really?

Really.

Still, I couldn't impose like that.

It's no imposition.

It's a big house.

There's plenty of room for everybody.

You sure?

Absolutely.

Okay, then.

I'll be right back.

JUDITH: Herb!

You want to come, too?

Are you nuts?

With Myra out of the house, I might get lucky tonight.

Really?

She seems pretty angry.

It's better when she's angry.

Coming, pookie!

* Men...

(toilet flushes)

This just sucks.

It's just for a couple of days till the wedding.

Yeah, but why does she have to stay in my room?

Because... I don't know.

You're the kid.

Yeah, well, it's not fair.

Yeah, well, get over it.

Oh, my God!

Jake, that's disgusting.

Yeah, well, get over it.

Go to sleep.

Did you brush your teeth?

Dad, I'm asleep.

Go brush your teeth.

I can't; I don't have my toothbrush.

Well, go get it.

Man!

I have to do everything around here.

Aunt Myra?

I have to get my toothbrush.

Aunt Myra?

Aunt Myra?

Huh.

(humming)

Oh.

Huh.

Hi.

Hi.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I just wanted to chat.

Oh. Okay.

I can go if you want. No, no. No.

No, this is fine.

So...

What's up?

Well, we never really talked about that kiss last night.

Right, right.

That was a little out of character for me.

Really? That's not the word on the street.

Okay, let me explain. Um...

With me, kissing is usually just a prelude to sex,

but last night, sex was the last thing on my mind.

Oh, gee, what girl doesn't like to hear that?

No, no. No, wait, let me finish.

I kissed you because I really liked you,

and I wanted to express my... liking of you.

Be still, my beating heart.

Oh, come on, Myra.

I drove all the way to Judith's house to see you.

And you know what's at Judith's house?

Judith!

That was very brave of you.

Oh, no, it wasn't brave, it was...

To tell you the truth, I don't know what it was,

and I'm not really sure what to do here.

What do you want to do here?

Let's forget about me for a second.

What about you?

What about me?

You kissed first.

Why'd you do that?

Oh, I was plowed.

Really?

Oh, come on, you moron.

I'm sitting in the middle of your bed

in my sexiest lingerie.

All right.

I'm pretty sure I know what to do now.

Charlie?

Yeah?

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but...

I'm a virgin.

You are?

Man, you got to stop sleeping with dumb girls.

It's rubbing off on you.

* Men...

Aunt Myra's not there.

I'm sure she will be.

She's probably just getting something in the kitchen.

(bedsprings squeaking rhythmically)

That's not the kitchen.