Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Auntie Brenda, you will be my receptionist. And you, Bob the Get -In,

assistant undertaker.

Michael's got a big important meeting tomorrow with this bloke from Bahrain.

He's from Kuwait and he's not our client yet.

So don't tell him. What? Don't tell him we're seeing each other.

Is there a dance teacher in the house?

There is now.

Salmon! You just stopped standing on my bloody feet!

A perfectly normal -looking street in the perfectly normal -looking town of

Ponderbury. But what horrors lurk behind closed doors?

This camera's immense.

Yeah, well, I hope you said thank you to Dad.

It must have cost a packet.

See my A to Z?

No.

Why are you going to London again? See Michael.

Oh, will you ever listen to anything I ever say?

And put that thing down, will you?

It's an open day at St Thomas' Hospital.

Michael doesn't know I'm coming, so if he calls the house, don't tell him where

I am.

I want to surprise him.

We won't be here anyway.

Me and little Al have got a zombie film to make. If you ever work out how to use

it. Oi.

Yeah, well, don't be sticking it in people's faces. Not everyone wants to be

that flipping tube thing or whatever.

It's YouTube, and we could make loads of money from it.

Stella Morris.

The train departs in approximately 29 minutes.

Yeah, be there now in a sec.

Right.

No parties, no smoking, wash the dishes and walk the dog. Oh,

I don't even think about going anywhere near my new car.

Oh, Bob, you know I'm up London, don't you?

Fisher, dirty place, I love it. Ooh.

This is hideous.

Jasminder, you will have to cook. Me? Do full -on Indian? Get real.

I can't even toast a Pop -Tart.

I'll nip down to the supermarket.

We can't get your daddy to shop for curry.

Oh, ma 'am, not really as gross.

Hiya. Carol.

What's going on?

Grandma's coming to stay.

She rang last night. You see, she put money into this place and she'll be

wanting to come and check on her investment.

She's a nightmare.

Jasminder.

Actually, she is a nightmare.

And Dad's made her a curry and it's rank.

God, you're right, that's proper nasty.

Right, what time's he getting here? One o 'clock.

Well, we've got plenty of time. You get me the ingredients while I clean up. I

make quite a mean job reading as you go. My son loves it.

Well, and it is better than Dad's cooking.

You have a son?

Yes.

More fun meal for the dancing undertaker? Oh.

And a hamper from Doddy Moss?

She says.

Thank you, Ivan, for making me feel 21 again.

I've got something I have for Ivan's cross.

Short it is, Marge.

Yes. In.

Fresh from the allotment.

Aunty Brenda.

May Mary, may I? Aunty Brenda.

May Mary, may I? George the butcher.

You've got eyes in the back of your neck when that one's around.

He's very ambitious, shall we say.

Aunty Brenda, may I count upon your loyalty?

Heart, soul, liver and kidneys?

I reflect my time with Marese is going to a close. There are plans to oust me

from power.

But I dare not name names.

Come to my office after the meeting.

For it is you I want to be, Mother Clella.

I shall reveal all and all.

In the meantime, trust no one.

Just going to the dentist.

Well, I thought you went yesterday.

It's a different turf. I'll be back in a bit.

Well, I'm sorry, Carl, but I'm not giving up. You need to give me something

look forward to after slaving over a hot nappy all week and sacrificing my soul

to motherhood. And if you don't want to dance, I'll find someone who do.

Lil' Alan!

Oh, what?

Will you be my dancing partner?

No. I already got one, haven't I?

Who? Ben Morris?

No. Not Ben.

Charming.

Bearing in mind all these factors, we feel your client must reconsider his

claim. Yours sincerely, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, Melanie, just to be sure, when I say blah, blah, blah, it means yours

sincerely, Michael Jackson, acting for our client, Mohamed El -Khamadi. It

doesn't mean that you write the actual words, blah, blah, blah. Okay, great.

That temp is awful.

Close back next week.

Yeah, I've had a bit of a breakthrough.

Go on.

Jameson's lawyers are unable to substantiate the Belushi allegation.

Get on the phone to his accountant and see if you can secure the affidavit.

Come on, keep up, keep up. You get lost on your SBA.

Come on, watch your handbag.

Welcome to London.

One of the most deadliest activities in the world.

In a minute now, we'll be setting off for St Thomas' Hospital.

Remember, the journey there will be lifted with unseen peril.

Danger lurks under every corner. Each passerby is a potential terrorist or

lunatic. Do not be taken in.

Having said that, if you follow me, stay close and keep the flag... within your

sights at all times, there's a good chance we'll make it out alive.

Onwards!

Keep on,

keep on, keep on!

Come on!

Next on the agenda, George the Butcher.

Milady Mayor, fellow councillors, I'd like to bring your attention to an issue

that has been a blight on the people of Ponterbury for several years.

Two words.

Chewing gun.

Now, this is what I propose we do.

Excuse me, George Butcher, lad. I don't want to rain on your watercolour, but do

you think this will take long? I've really got to be getting on.

Getting on?

Getting on, she says.

Well, that's rich coming from... Ah!

Oh, right, you're a sensitive man.

Ivan Schloss Funeral Services.

One moment, please.

It's Megan Madigan. She don't want a word.

Is she bereaved? No.

Purchasing a prepay? Nada.

Headstone? No.

She don't want to discuss the foxtrot.

Tell her I'm indisposed.

Sorry, Megan. I'll be with her weeping widow at the moor. Call back later, is

it?

Oh, honestly, this phone haven't stopped since you rocked up and got Ponte Berri

bopping.

This was not my intention, Bobsey, and I guarantee I will not allow it to

distract.

Oh, excuse me. Dottie! Stephen, I just thought I'd call. Many thanks for the

hamper, most kind, but I'm afraid I must return it. I cannot risk impropriety of

any kind.

Was there anything else, Dot?

Could be that he should be getting on. I just wanted him. Yes.

Oh, Blair.

I knew this would happen.

Oh, Harker to you, Casanova.

No, Bobski, you misunderstand.

It is not me. It is the power of the dance.

It does strange things.

There once was a lady with whom I... No, I have said enough.

All right.

I didn't need a word, Mr. Flush. Oh,

the dance, then. No, you don't say.

Someone needs to ring the sun.

Lives in France, apparently.

I'd be more than happy to do it. Don't you worry, George, about what I got

there. I do think a senior council member, it really is my place to...

the name of Catherine Jenkins, to make you more senior than me?

Bonjour. Je m 'appelle Tom Prender de Pont -le -Béret.

Et je voudrais parler avec Monsieur Ian Mayer.

Oui.

Hiya, Ian, lad.

Listen, boot, are you sitting down? Because I've got a bit of bad news.

I saw dancing just helped me through the week, like. But Carl have rung to say

he don't want to do it no more. So I haven't got no one to dance with.

So I was wondering if you were... Yes, well, you are in luck.

Serious?

Oh, thank you.

George the butcher.

What? George the butcher is looking for someone with whom to dance. He called me

last night. I will tell him his problem is solved.

Hang on. I was hoping that maybe you'd consider... Thank God you're both here.

Where in the name of the super furry animals have you been just nipping out,

said? The mare is dead.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Mary the mare!

Yes. Mare, Mary, mare.

Dead as a rostrum this lunchtime gone.

Sat there one minute, right as rain, being bored to the back teeth.

Next thing, flop.

Wham! Smack!

Edge on the table, right in the middle of her ginger dreams.

My condolences to you all.

Sure as I take it, a close friend.

Well, hardly knew the woman.

Oh.

But here's the thing. I've spoken to the son, Ian.

Ian May?

Christ, I was in school with him, playing his pastry and thinning the pan.

And he do want the funeral, quick and simple.

So I told him we could do it, no problem. He wants it Friday.

Friday? We cannot do it Friday.

We've got no choice, Boots. The hospital are dropping her off in a bit.

I have been through these books with the finest tooth comb possible. She cannot

possibly find fault.

God, love, you're so stressed.

Well, when you meet my mother, you'll understand why.

All my life, I have never been able to live up to her expectations of me.

A shopkeeper, a grocery man.

Why couldn't you be a doctor or an accountant? Why couldn't you make me

Well, tell her you made this.

I'll make her proud.

That is absolutely delicious.

He likes it hot, then.

Yes. I bloody hate this thing.

Do we have to wear it?

Yes, please. Oh, you look lovely. You know how your daddy feels about

It's only for a few days.

I look like an idiot.

Yes, well, we all have to make sacrifices, I'm afraid.

Look.

I'll be there in ten minutes. Tell him I'm on my way.

I've got to go.

Everything all right?

I hope so.

I don't want to panic you or anything, but I think you're going to be late for

that, did you?

No, her train gets in at ten past.

No, I think she said ten to.

In fact, she definitely said ten to.

Well, that's in... Where are my car keys?

Where is the car?

She will go insane.

What's wrong with this?

You said this was going to be a land summer.

No girls.

I just feel a bit bad, you know, keeping it a secret.

Well, your opinion don't come from nothing. So?

Can we just talk about it?

I've got nothing to say to you.

You want to talk?

Go chat to your girlfriend.

I'm sorry, Mother, but you definitely said ten past.

Are you calling your own mother a bare -faced liar?

No. No, of course not.

But you said ten past.

And the journey was dreadful.

Oh, dear. You think with all this modern technology and what have you, a decent

could make a decent brew.

Be attention, the lights have changed.

Chal, chal, chal. Sorry.

Right, settle down.

So, that's the hospital tour done and dusted.

Tomorrow I'll be getting interviewed for your six -week placement.

So I strongly suggest an early night tonight.

However, word to the wide, if you dare to venture outside of the halls of

residence, I recommend carrying both mace and pepper spray secreted upon you

person at all times. Kaplum?

Actually, Cheryl, I'm staying with my girl, so I'm going to head off now to

office site.

You're a fool, Stella Morris.

Taking out risk.

Make that journey alone.

I'll most likely be abducted by gangmasters and forced to take beetroot

Norfolk fence.

What?

I'm sorry, you can't see Mr Jackson without an appointment.

No, what it is, I'm his girlfriend and I'm here to surprise him, so I... Now,

listen up, Cockney Jane.

Cheryl. This woman by ear have travelled 200 -odd mile over Ilyndale to get us

here, fella.

Cheryl. Don't sit there lying to me saying she ain't going to get through

with red tape and doodah. Cheryl. Because I've reported for being anti

And prejudicialistical.

What's going on?

Hiya.

Hi, this is Stella.

Leave a message and I might call you back.

Sweetheart, where are you? I've been trying you all day.

Even rang the house.

Them was really weird. Are you OK?

Why don't you judge for yourself?

Stella! Hiya.

Isn't this just the sweetest thing?

I found her in reception, surrounded by her little friends, A to Z in her hand.

Come all this way from Wales to see her man.

Well, yeah, is everything OK? I mean, what are you doing here? Yeah, I'm on a

college trip to St Thomas' Hospital.

I thought I'd surprise you.

Well, she do look a lot more peaceful now than she did when she was alive.

Very nervous woman. All this fretting and whatchacall.

At least now she is ready for her son.

What time is he expected?

He was getting the three o 'clock Eurostar from Paris.

The dance class starts in half an hour. I will call them and cancel.

Well, don't be daft.

You'll have a riot on your hands, you do that.

I stay on, no bother.

That is most diligent of you both. Your commitment will not unnoticed go.

Oh, slosh her.

Slosh. Madam Ivan.

For you a little present like can of cock and bow.

What do we, Van Slosh, want with a slosh? Want with a can of cider?

Fair point.

I'll have it.

Tell you what, mind.

Your dance class tonight is swarming with horny bastard mares.

Thought you might like a cow in bodyguard.

Thank you.

This is passionate.

You think?

You'll have to show me round.

But I was wondering about tonight.

Will you take me up the Oxford Tower?

That one's still wrong on many different levels. Bella, I can't tell you what a

lovely surprise this is, you showing up out of the blue. Oh, thank you.

But I am snowed under. I've got a mountain of work.

I've just spoken to Max.

You're both coming to Alf tonight for dinner. Are we? Oh, Maria, that's really

kind, but I've got that deadline.

Oh, what can wait?

It's not often we get a little visitor up from Wales.

Max is going to adore you.

Our place at seven. He's doing by Ella.

One, two, three, and one, two, three. Very good. One, two, three.

Excellent.

Your best name.

Annie wants you to make a film with him. She can't ignore you all summer.

You don't know Ben Morris. One, two, three. No, I was not out of time, George

the Butcher. Yes, you were. A useless man. Good, good. Now, let us partake a

-minute break. And for those of you interested in the dance competition,

put down your name upon the list.

Away, please. I require space, rest and refreshment.

Give the man some coconut for God's sake.

Yes, thank you, Rhian.

It's all right, Chief.

No,

it's not. It's not. It's anti -clockwise. It's not. It's not.

God, it's no better than you. No, no, no. What are you doing? This. This is

wrong. I know. I'm trying to show you what I do, but it's pointless.

Please, observe.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. And round.

It is not complicated. You must simply with the flowing go.

All right.

Okay, break over. Let's get back into your pairs, clip the schlop, and we will

all together try this lunch.

Miss Bevan.

Please demonstrate.

Yes.

Music.

And one, two, three, and one, two, three, and around, and pull,

and step, and flick,

flick, flick, flick, turn, two, three, and one, two.

You see, it's not simple when you know how.

Now try it with your partner.

I still don't understand what the problem was. The problem, Max, was that

my bin and my properties and my apples and not hers.

You see, this is the kind of attitude I was dealing with. Stuck up, neurotic and

grumpy beyond belief.

Well, I wasn't in the best of places. I'd just gone through a divorce.

Then we forgive you. Thank you. You soon sorted him out, did you, Stella? Took

him in hand?

I suppose I did.

Stella's definitely the one in charge.

Is that in all departments?

Oh, here we go. Sorry?

I'm just curious about the dynamics of your relationship.

Why?

I'm a people watcher, Michael. It fascinates me. How people get on, how

interlock.

There we are, then.

More wine?

Oh, God, it shouldn't really. I am going to be hanging tomorrow.

Hanging? Yeah, it means hungover.

Rough, worth the work. Oh.

Michael is fluent now in Ponce de Berri and a new presh.

Presh. Oh, yeah.

OK.

Presh. Fill my glass up and all, isn't it?

Oh, my God, Maria, was I meant to be a Welsh accent? Yes.

You should hear our Brummie.

No, I can do a good Brummie accent, because Michael's from Wolverhampton.

come on, then, let's see. You know, it's sort of guy with the big... Did you do

any of it?

Everything all right?

Yeah. I think I'm just about getting the hang of how to pull a pint.

How's your mum?

She has a migraine.

Thank you for working this evening with Stella in London and Yanto in the dance

class. Not a problem, honest.

Carol, when I collected my mother from the train, I saw you outside the police

station. Was that your son you were with? Yes.

I just wondered... He's got Down syndrome, yes, but don't laugh. I just

is he in trouble?

What? Because you were outside the police station and obviously I thought

that... Well, yeah.

You've been called shoplifting, if it goes. It's been all my proudest moments.

Oh, God.

So, how long have you and Maria been an item, then?

Item?

Oh, you have such a fantastic turn of phrase. Do I? You certainly do.

I don't know, really.

We don't do anniversaries and all that sort of stuff.

That's complicated sometimes, isn't it?

Yeah, and I hate complication.

Oh, God, don't tell Michael I'm doing this, for Christ's sake. I haven't had a

fag in two years.

Oh, don't worry, Stella.

Your secret's safe with me.

You don't strike me as a smoker, mind.

Don't I? No.

Look at you, all fit and buff.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. Did I give you the wrong... I

did, didn't I? Look, I'm just... I'm just pissed.

Hey, no worries, huh?

Can't blame a guy for trying, right?

Right.

Cheers. Oh, God, sorry, it was open, so I just... Oh, we don't have any locks on

any doors. We really should get that sorted.

OK, I'll wait. No, no, don't mind me. I'll be right out. I've already got

something.

Never a good look.

I only take this recreationally, so don't go getting all moral on me. I'm

don't. It's your house. It's up to you.

You want some?

No, thanks.

Really?

I had you down as an adventurous type.

You know, work hard, play harder.

Jesus, look, this is really not my thing, Maria. I mean, you're my father.

Michael! And if I wasn't?

Sorry, are we interrupting?

I'm not sure yet.

And what size waves were you surfing?

My God, Daddy, what do you like? I'm well, Jell.

I'm sorry, Daddy, I've got to go. Make sure you wax your board now.

I don't want you slipping in the till so long.

Hiya, kid. I'm Auntie Brenda.

We spoke on the phone.

I'm, uh...

So

terribly sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Oh, um, sorry.

Sorry.

Well,

it's that you look so different.

From school days, you know.

Bobby Gittins, remember?

Same year as you were in camp.

Oh, right, yeah.

I'd like to see my mother, please.

Of course. In the chapel of rest, if you'd like to go on through.

Thank you.

Well, I don't know what happened to him in the interim, but he turned out

absolutely stonking.

I didn't know where to put myself.

I think she had a pretty good idea where to put you. Stella!

Thank God you came back in when you did.

Yeah, but only because Max had a kiss me in the garden. He didn't. What?

Yeah! Just launched in for the kill at the swingers. Jesus, the swingers. My

boss is a swinger.

Have it ever happened to you before?

Actually, me and Jan were approached at the golf club once by this guy and his

wife. Were you tempted?

No, Jan was furious. She threatened to sue him. What?

I'm not exactly sure.

Good old Jack. Yeah.

And what about you? You and Carl ever... Oh, shut up.

God. Nothing like that ever happens in Ponterbury. But it does. You're just

naive. God,

how am I going to face her in the morning?

Oh.

You know, normally I'd feel all intimidated by someone like Maria.

High -powered, solicitor -type, big success and that.

But now she...

Gone and made a twat of herself, hasn't she? I guess she has.

Stell, you're a success, you know.

A huge success.

Yeah, right.

Forty -five and still training to be a nurse.

By the time I start doing it, it'll be time for me to retire.

Oh, I wish I could start over again sometimes.

Oh, please don't. I'm so proud of you.

You're simply gagging for it.

I hadn't seen her for 15 years.

Yeah? No.

She was always ashamed of me, see?

For being gay.

Nonsense. She was always banging on about doing she barbs. Yeah.

Oh, my, and to live in Paris, you know, my, and to speak French, you know, my,

and to do this, my, and to do that. You couldn't shut her up, by all accounts.

I'm sorry.

Thank God you were here to help me through this.

Oh, well,

this is embarrassing. Sorry, what?

I said, thank God you were here to help me through this.

Right.

Sorry.

Listen, I let you two get on. I got a million and one things I got to sort out

for the funeral.

We're going to give your mum a lovely scent off here.

I don't care how much it costs.

Good. I mean, right.

Well, toodle -pip. See you in the morrow.

Why would you want to come back to Ponterberry when you've got this to look

every day?

You know I want to come back.

Of course I do.

You're a lot of men.

I've only ever lived in Ponterberry.

I was born there, went to school there, got my kids there.

Probably die there.

Unless you moved here.

Hey, I'll be here for six weeks if I get that placement.

No, I'm talking permanently.

Sorry? Well, we could both live here.

Once you qualify, there'll be plenty of nursing jobs to choose from. Hang on,

what about Ben and Katie?

They'll be at uni next year.

What? And the baby?

You can't just abandon him.

I'll see him at weekends, which is no different from what'll happen anyway.

Come on, Stella.

Think about it, at least.

You'd love it here.

Yeah, I would.

I'd better get going, face the Maria music.

If I turn up late at St Thomas's, Cheryl will think I've been drawn into some

sordid sex and drugs den. Well, you weren't far off at last, were you?

Jamie's helping me out today, if that's all right.

He won't be no bother, will you, love?

Sure thing.

Hey there, I'm Jag.

Jamie, say hello to Jagadish.

Hello to Jagadish.

He's not happy bunny, I'm afraid, after his telling off by PC Plot.

Right, in you go, Blossom.

And try and stay out of trouble.

Nice to meet you, Jamie.

hiding from me, Michael?

No. It was a fabulous evening last night.

Yes.

Thanks for the paella.

That's okay.

Just a shame you didn't both save for dessert.

The thing is, Maria, I've never really had much of a sweet tooth.

Have you not for the placement?

Oh, brilliant.

No excuse not to move here now?

No, I suppose not.

So, how's she been?

Completely normal. She hasn't said a word except something about puddings.

Can't wait to come home.

Yeah, I'm sorry we're not on the same train. It's just that I can't, you know,

I've got to get back to the pub.

No, I know, but I'll see you at bedtime, won't I?

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Um, I'll see you tonight.

I love you.

Well, admittedly, I drank a lot of wine last night, but I don't think I'm seeing

things, am I?

Hello, Stella.

The place will be bulging at the seams.

200 naga!

So I've ruffled up for tomorrow.

An excellent advert for the company, Matusha Brenda.

That's what I thought.

And to also showcase what I can do in a mayoral, nice statesman -like capacity.

I've got only men allowed singing a couple of numbers. And Louis Spence

tribute dance.

Hiya, kids. Good morning, Hopsky. All right?

May I interest anyone in some coffee?

It's Turkish.

I want...

Macchiato, thanks.

I was just filling Ivan in on the progress for tomorrow's funeral.

How was Ian last night in the end?

Oh.

Barb? Oh, Auntie Blaine.

I've dropped the most massive as clang I'd imaginable.

You didn't.

I couldn't help it.

At first, I was like, wow, that ugly duckling from Ponto Berry Comp have

into a beautiful, beefy swan who speaks French.

Bonjour tout le monde.

But, oh, my God, talk about looks this evening.

Did you take him up the frisky, Fox?

Yes.

But then he wanted a lift to his hotel, so naturally I obliged.

Naturally. But then he wanted me to come inside for a nightclub at the bar.

And I thought, well, in for a penny.

Three hours later...

I'm still sat there listening to him droning on.

In all fairness, my Bob, he was grief -stricken.

Oh, I could have handled grief -stricken, but this was something else.

Oh, he was moaning about the people he works with, that we don't get

appreciated, oh, no one listens to him. Well, surprise.

Oh, all the men in his life have deserted him, and oh, yeah, we've

years with sobriety. Oh, God, he was dull.

So me, I just got drunker and drunker to blot out the boredom, and by the time

the barman called last orders and Ian invited me up to his room, I'd lost all

sense of judgment.

You've texted me eight times already this morning and declared his undying

You mean to say, Bobski, that you had sexual relations with a customer?

Ivan, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

Oh, that's all right, then.

You mean you accidentally had sexual relations with a customer? Bobski, what

were you thinking?

Well, obviously, you have no choice.

You've taken one for the team, is all.

I beg your pardon?

Ian May's paying for this funeral, and we've got to keep him sweet. And if it

takes a bit of house you watch a call to make him happy, then who asks? Just

good business, then.

Now, if you ask me, you bite the bullet and dive back in. What do you mean?

You've got to take him up the frisky fox again.

Oh.

Oh, why London?

Surely they've got the same treatment in Canada.

Apparently not.

This is cutting -edge trailblazing. All those words they like to use to make you

feel like you're going to be okay.

Yeah, well, you are going to be okay, okay?

Well, the guy's a world cardio specialist, so, uh... Anyway, how are

How am I?

I'm in shock. That's how I am.

Sorry. I mean, you always keep so fit.

You go running for Christ's sake. You hardly drink anything.

Is it a fag? I hope you've packed them in.

Pretty much.

Oh, why don't you say something, Rob?

To me or to Luke? I don't want Luke to know anything about this.

In fact, I don't want anyone to know about it.

I take it Suzanne knows.

She's a doctor.

It's not the sort of thing I could hide from her.

So where is she?

Oh, you haven't split up.

What is wrong with you?

I've got a dodgy ticker.

I'll get the results this afternoon.

If this medication isn't working, then I want to come back to Wales for a bit.

Spend some time with Luke and get to know Sophie.

I can't. I believe I'm hearing this.

Stella, if you hadn't happened to be in this hospital on this particular day at

this particular time, then you wouldn't even know I was in the country.

I have to go.

Yeah, well, let me come with you.

I'd rather be on my own, honestly.

Stubborn bastard.

Let me know what happens, is there?

Of course.

Hiya, kid.

It's me it is, Aunty Brenda.

Listen, I am sorting you out a third class end of tomorrow. It'll be the

thing to a state funeral this town have ever seen.

And, uh...

I think I've forgotten what you said, you know, about me being a rightful A.

I'm not your girl.

I reckon when they see what I've organised, there'll be no contest.

The mayor is dead.

Long live the mayor.

What in the name of Laura Dana Groza do you think you're doing?

Sorry, Ivan.

I was just planning on for dying.

Immediately return these chains.

The thing is, before she died, the mayor... Natusha Brenda, with what

antics last night upon the son of Mayor Mary Mayer and yours before me now, I am

beginning to wonder that I the wrong team chose.

Consider this an official warning.

Not you could make it.

It is freshly squeezed lime juice, isn't it? Not cordial.

Freshly squeezed.

Definitely no alcohol in it.

Some gingerbeards, they say alcohol -free, but in fact it's 0 .5 % alcohol.

Totally alcohol -free. I can't touch a drop, see.

I've been sober now for two and a half months.

Two and a half months, yes, you said.

I guess then I was London.

It was, um, not quite what I expected.

You want to come and join us?

Oh, I can't, sorry.

Late for my shift.

Oh.

I know we rushed into things last night. Bit of a whirlwind.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I'd had a few drinks.

Let me take you out to dinner. Get to know each other, see? There's a nice

little Italian down the road we could... Listen, young love, I'm sorry.

You're a lovely fella.

No. But you just know my type.

That's not what you were saying less than 24 hours ago.

Hi, Pop.

Right.

Less than 24 hours ago, you were saying that there was no -one quite like me in

Ponteberry. That I was a breath of fresh air. Did I?

You said you imagined us living together in France and skiing the Alps and

sharing a chocolate fondue. Oh, heck. You called me your little French onion,

your pompelle mousse, your petit fleur.

I really had had a lot to drink.

I think I should go.

No, don't be daft.

Well, that's the problem, isn't it, Bobby?

That's what I am in your eyes.

Daft, an idiot, le buffon.

He means clown in French.

The humiliation is overwhelming.

Where are you going?

Oh, you only wanted me for my money and my mother. Well, you can forget that for

a kick -off, because I'm taking my mother elsewhere.

What? Hang on, you can't do that, do you?

Babe, you can't just cancel the funeral, will you, will you?

They can move a few breakfasts tomorrow, is there?

Aye, nice one, all right. Makes a change from takeaways.

You are still without Zoe, then, my friend?

Yeah. She's back in a couple of weeks, I hope. Her dad's on the mend, so... Hey,

talking of dad, you heard from yours lately and you haven't mentioned him

No, I haven't, as it goes.

He's gone very quiet.

Have you, then?

What? Heard from Rob?

No.

Hey, maybe him and Suzanne have frequently got married and he feels bad

he never invited us to the wedding.

Yeah, maybe.

Yes, please.

I think you'll find that so far the books are looking pretty healthy and you

be certain your investment is still safe.

I'm not here to talk about the books, Jagdish.

Oh, then why?

I'm here to talk about Jasminder.

Has she been rude?

I know sometimes she can. I think it's time we found her a husband.

Don't you?

Hey, there's already 20 people signed up for the dance competition, you know.

What's the matter?

I'll never live it down.

A cancelled funeral.

George the butcher will never stop laughing at me. I can hear him now,

me the biggest joke this town have ever seen.

And it's all entirely my own fault.

Ideas above my station.

It's not your fault, it's mine.

If I'd have just said yes to a dinner date with him, he wouldn't have felt so

rejected and none of this would have happened.

That's true.

If you liked it, it is your fault.

Enough. No more the talk of fault, of blame.

We are a team.

The team of Schloss.

Sometimes the team, it is defeated.

But we will rise again from the rushes and learn.

Now, please.

Let us form this disaster and move on.

Norok!

Yes, sir?

I wasn't asleep, honest.

Oh.

Sorry I had to work.

I made dinner for Ben and little Alan, and they're still not speaking because

little Alan's got a girlfriend.

I know.

Ridiculous.

Excited about your placement?

Well done again.

I haven't thought about it much, to be honest.

So what have you been thinking about?

Because there's something on your mind that can read you like a Kindle.

This I've been thinking about coaching up

Oh, Ben, put that thing away.

I'm capturing mundane and everyday occurrences.

Apparently we're mundane, aren't we?

Speak for yourself, Jack, or I make it exquisitely fascinating.

Yes, me too.

I'll slide you the eggs.

I'm not eating nothing, you clump. Oh, behave.

Ma! Oh, here they are. Perfect timing.

I'm going to start calling you Mystic Meg from now on.

Why's that?

You know, last night he was asking about Rob.

Did he ring you?

No. You've gone one better than that.

Hello, everyone.

You've come to stay for the summer.

Hello, Ben. How's it going, all right?

Good to see you.

Hi, little Al.

Hi, Bobby.

Hello, Stella.

We need that in by the end of Friday, or we can't count a claim.

But I'm going to Ponterbury today. It's my anniversary tomorrow.

This is nice, isn't it?

You have to tell Luke, Rob.

I prefer it if you were with me when I did.

Here you go, darling. You want to tread gentle with that one, you know.

Attractive woman, I'd spend away.

Who's that?

Could it be a dirty douche who'd rather spend the summer with a girl than his

best bro?