Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

You got it, Dad? We just done three and a half

K, didn't we, babe?

Serious?

I won't let childbirth get the bad from me, Stan.

No way.

And I won't do you no harm for a shift of two pounds.

Just because there's no man in the house, don't mean you should let

to the dog.

Right, well, let me know if you need anything doing for the christening.

I'm in college, but I can always nip out.

I'm all sorted, as long as your Luke don't let me down.

I miss you so much. Yeah.

I'm useless without you.

Gotcha.

Stella, what are you doing?

I swear to God, once you pass 40, your eyebrows give birth overnight.

Nice. What time are you back later then, Prash?

About nine.

Oh, do us a favour. On your way home, pick us up a christening present,

something cheap like a photo frame. You're a godmother. You can't just get

a photo frame.

I didn't have to be godmother.

Hey, you know that pride door I entered?

There have been quite a few.

The one in the magazine.

Well, this morning I won two dozen bottles of mouthwash.

Oh, good. I can put them with the two dozen bottles of toilet cleaner you won

last week. Hands off, Jackson.

I'm selling them in the car boot.

Yeah, about the car boot. Mum, hurry up. I need the bog.

Good morning.

No, it isn't.

Hi, Ben.

It's just so silly of you sending off the freebies all the time. I'm earning

good money.

Yeah, and spending most of it on London rent and rail fees.

Look.

I am using my initiative to keep it above water, that's all.

I cannot wait to see you.

Me too.

Can we have lots of disgusting sex?

Yes, as soon as I've watered my runner beans, and that's not a euphemism.

You and your bloody allotment, honestly.

Michael? Yeah?

When are you going to speak to her?

Oh, don't start this again.

Oh, it's not going to go away, Presh. Beyonce Evans is having you a baby in

eight weeks and you won't talk to her or see her or even acknowledge it's

happening. I've got to go. Sorry.

Ten o 'clock meeting.

Enjoy your last day at college.

Bye.

I'll stick this in the stop room, shall I, Bert? Yes, please.

Bert, knock yourself out.

Though not literally. But if you did knock yourself out, that would be fine.

Because you'd be completely covered by my public liability insurance.

Third party, fire and theft.

But you still can't believe what's happening, huh?

Your name above the pub door.

Although I want this place to be so much more than a pub. I want the Frisky

Forks to be the heartbeat of Ponteberry.

A community hub. Yeah, you said it.

The room at the back will be the home of all sorts.

Computer classes, yoga, dance classes.

A whole cacophony of community events.

They still don't add up again.

Just a minute, I'm riffing.

It's 50 quid out, look.

Don't take a genius to work out who's been helping themselves.

Gosh, your accusation will get me sued for slander. Oh, I'm sorry, but there's

definitely something shifty about that woman.

Shifty?

Well, speaking of shifty, your shifty tonight will start at six o 'clock. Oh,

ain't working tonight. It's Friday.

Well, that is exactly why you are working tonight, because we're going to

up our feet. You want me to make a staff in the bedroom?

Yes, please, Carol.

Because I'm your daughter. I think you can take the mic.

You are sounding exactly like your mother now.

I'm going to call her. And I'll do around the architrave, is it?

Yes, yes.

Complaining at every whip, snip and dongle. No wonder she divorced you.

I divorced her, as well you know.

I did.

I divorced her.

Right.

Oh, Jack.

I hear you've got a function room for community events or what have you?

That's right.

Only my cousin was looking for somewhere.

Is he?

For a community cock and cock fight.

And you'll have to, you know, announce the devil and stand by the pond and

the candle. It's a big honour being a godfather, son.

Yeah. Like Marlon Brando in the film. I'm going to make him an office he won't

refuse. Well, I guess he was a bit older than he was, Brando. Yeah.

And a bit fatter.

Talking about me again, Carl?

Are you still?

What? No, no, no. I've been having a clear out. Found that old crittening

you was after. Have you nannied?

Oh, that's disgusting, that is. It looks like a monkey duster.

You want me to try out the car boot?

Aye. Go on, then.

Oh, Ben, why are you doing this to yourself?

He's not on the porn, is he, still? He told me he was doing his own work. I

ain't doing nothing. No, he's stalking his ex -girlfriend on Facebook. Look,

what do you know about Facebook?

You watch.

Come the autumn, you won't even remember Lily's name.

Lily Carl.

Nope. Yeah, right.

Bloody hell.

I actually used to wear these, do you remember?

Oh, yeah.

Used to make your arse look massive.

Oh, is that of you?

Hiya, Bob.

Tea in the pot if you want some.

Don't bother.

I'm having a can.

Right. See you in church then, is it? Yeah. So long.

Right.

Are you sure you should be drinking this time of the morning?

It's not morning to me, is it? I've just done a night shift.

Oh, look, love, I know you hate this job, but something else will come along.

You've just got to hang on in there.

I've been hanging on so long, I look like a row of washing. Oh, my God, ma

What's the matter?

Lily's just updated her data.

She's seeing Darren Loma.

This week's rent, Andy Brent.

Oh, I'm sharing, love.

It's all there. Mine is two pounds empty for the use of my razor.

Honest to God, Marge, I rue the day I ever took that one on as a lodger. She's

still prancing round in the bus. Less than she was, but I live in fear on a

daily basis.

Hey, kid, that wife of yours has gone off gallivanting, I hear. She's not

gallivanting. Her dad's had heart attack. She's gone to look after him.

she does say.

Left him quite literally holding the baby, Marge, with no job and a gambling

addiction. Hey, they're looking for people up the turkey farm, Bart. Are

Well, I'll bear it in mind. Cheers.

Where to have you been, Luke Morgan?

For a pass, we said.

What do you expect?

He's a man.

And an ex -con.

Oh, thanks for that.

What are you doing leaving him in charge?

I've got no choice, Auntie Bren.

Carl's not back till the early hours, and I've got a barrage of things to do

before the christening, including a bikini wax and an eyebrow thread.

Right, Luke, don't let anyone pee in my bidet.

So long.

Hey, yo, you'll be back by five, though, won't you?

Never trust a woman with a BJ, kid.

Well?

They've confirmed for Monday. Brilliant.

This case could be really lucrative for us, Michael.

Well, he's not ours yet. No, but he will be.

Let me buy you a drink after work.

To celebrate.

Sorry, but I want to get off early.

Of course.

Back to your little Welsh rarebit.

Hey. I was talking about your evening meal.

Listen, I think it's great that you're managing to make it work this weekend

commute. Thanks.

But if it becomes a problem... It won't become a problem.

I'll just wipe down them tables and I'll zip off, all right?

Thank you. Oh, and I found this in bedroom three.

I took all the cash, of course.

What?

I'm joking.

There's phone numbers in there and a few cards, so you should be able to track

him down.

I told you.

It's one of those things, campervanning, you either love it or you hate it. And

we love it.

How about you two? Any chance of getting away?

Well, I'm working on it.

I've entered seven holiday competitions.

Seven? Three cruises, two city breaks, skiing in the French Alps. Can you ski?

No. And ten days on a longboat in the Norfolk Broads. One of them's got to

good. Right.

Look sharp.

Your final class of the year.

Yep, it's summertime.

But the living ain't easy.

Not if you're a nurse.

Because a nurse, Stella Morris, is always on duty.

Even when she, or he, is wearing a bikini and playing volleyball on a

I rang the owner of the wallet. He was very relieved.

How fast?

Though he claims there was £30 in there.

Then he's lying.

Yes, sorry.

My head is all over the place at the moment.

I'm short -starved for tonight, and on top of that, the till seems to be £50

out. It's just... Well, don't blame me. I'm the cleaner. I don't go nowhere near

the till.

Of course.

Sorry.

Jasmine's a tailcoat, J -E -S, yeah? Yes, I believe so. Well, you can see

put in a glass of wine at £54 instead of £4.

I don't think even you would charge £54 for a glass of wine, would you, Jack?

No, indeed.

The whole thing just didn't make sense.

Money disappearing from under my nose like that. But you have solved it.

Excellent. No, it's not excellent.

You thought I'd nick it, didn't you?

What? No, no. You know what? I don't have to take this.

You can stuff your bloody job.

No. Get on.

Get on.

Get on, please.

Right, I'll see you at the barbecue.

I'm only bringing crisps.

I've done some marinated spare ribs, low -salt oyster sauce with a hint of

garlic and chilli.

What are you bringing?

Pre -load.

Oh, he's sulking because of Lily and Darren Lomax.

Oh, mate, Lomax is a joke. He's still the lead in the Toff Fairy.

Go easy, Ben, for God's sake.

You're going to make an idiot of yourself.

Too late. I already did that.

Because apparently when she told me she loved me, she was lying.

Oh, God.

God, I do feel for you. I'm in trouble living opposite you. Well, she knew me

all summer. I know.

And remember, every step you take, every breath you take, every move you take,

make.

Right, come on, first round's on me.

Yeah, I'll catch you up. I've just got to pop the library.

It's for my holidays, hello.

Won't be long.

You're very strange, you know that.

Yeah, well, I'm not hanging around you all day. I've got stuff to do.

Just take a seat, Janet. We'll be with you now, all right?

Is there a problem?

I'm just saying, this is what is wrong with the NHS. Four o 'clock, they said.

Beyonce Evans?

About time. I've been waiting ages.

Well, come on, then. This was your idea.

I take it you're her mother?

No. I'm actually the girlfriend of the father of her baby.

Jeremy Kyle eat your heart out, eh?

Nadine's not back yet, Auntie Bryn. Any chance you could babysit her and you're

going to get the card if... What do you think I am, Luke Morgan?

Some underpaid au pair from the Eastern Bloc?

I'm a high -powered civil servant with constituents to attend to.

Oh, banging your door down, are they?

Right,

you two, you'll have to come with me.

Oh, my God, is there something wrong with her?

Cos I'm not having it if there's something wrong with it, like her head's

off or something.

Don't say things like that.

No, all looking perfectly normal.

It was a waste of bloody time, but it's been that dodgy curry, that's all.

You were right to come in, though. Always best to check.

Yeah, well, it's her it is for starting around me all the time.

Do you want to keep the scanned photo?

I'm afraid we have to charge £2.

Oh, well, I've heard it all now.

I know. Hospital policy, sorry.

Yeah, well, you can stick it.

Um, look.

I'll take it.

Doesn't keep you changing your mind.

Are you some kind of saint or what?

Oh, what a day.

A cab is driving on and a train.

So I decided to get away.

Thank you very much.

You're back early.

Hiya. Yeah, I thought I'd surprise you, Mum.

Bit late for a kid's day out, isn't it? Yeah, I've got to go to Cardiff, but

Nadine's dumped me in it.

Oh. Hey, listen, I don't suppose you could have them for me, could you?

Only they're not really meant to go to... Uh, no. Sorry, Luke. I was going

make a dinner and everything.

You're all right.

I thought you'd have liked to practice, Michael. What is it now? Two months

away?

Don't worry about it.

You've been taking them iron tablets like you do.

Yeah, and they're rank.

Stop me, you know, going rank.

Yeah, well, they're really good for the baby.

And listen, it's really chilly outside today and you've hardly got anything on.

Where are my cardis?

Whoa.

Right little fashion queen, aren't you, Steph?

Does the job.

Right. Let's hope I don't see no one I know.

You got money for the bus?

What do you think?

Right, well, take this.

You can't walk home, for God's sake.

Cheers.

Oh, and send my love to Mike.

You do know you're seeing me today, don't you?

Of course you do.

Girl, I think if only life would lean our way.

How's it looking?

We got the first of our new potatoes up.

Bit of butter on them now for tea. Nice.

Your croissants are taking over the place, bud.

Yeah, I know. I'm going to do a big harvest this weekend.

Michael Jackson. Auntie Brenda.

As your local councillor elected, I'm offering you a once -in -a -lifetime

opportunity for a one -on -one private and confidential consultation about

any... Anything you like, as long as it's legal. Come on!

Well, I don't really have anything that... There must be something I can

you with.

Flickering lampposts, rubbish collection, asylum -seeking. No, no, I'm

absolutely fine.

What's the point?

You're just as bad as the rest of Ponteberry.

Apathy courses through your veins.

No, it doesn't. I just don't have any problems.

You got an illegitimate child in the belly of a Jezebel? I just thought that

problem enough!

That is none of your business, and it's certainly not something I'd talk to a

local bloody councillor about.

Jesus!

We're not abandoning you, Ben.

Here you are, leaving me stuck in Ponte Verde all summer while you're down

France chasing frogmen.

Oi! I'm using a bloody campervan somewhere up north.

Well, I'll swap with you if you like. No, thanks.

Oh, come on, the great outdoors?

Do you have a right laugh?

Katie, have you ever been inside a camper van?

I mean, what's going to happen night time?

I don't know which is worse, listening to my old man snore or worrying that I'm

going to hear him having sex.

Gross!

Oh, my God.

Don't look now.

What?

Oh, Ben, just leave it.

It's all right. I ain't going to do nothing.

Thing is, Jack, I'm a powerhouse of ideas, bursting to get out there and

the world. But the world just won't change him.

At least you're not a security guard at the warehouse of the Wenner.

God, what a joke.

Jack! Jack!

Jack! Jack! One moment, please, Nadine. I'm serving. But it's an emergency.

Please bear with me. The bakery have closed and I haven't got the cake for

tomorrow. No, they dropped it off. It's in the kitchen.

My head's all over the air. Hey, that Luke Morgan was expecting you home an

ago. Ah, what's the matter with him? It's not like he haven't got nothing

to do. Aye.

Anyway, you've taken him somewhere, Christ knows where.

Probably sat right now at a gaming table playing ice -takes, poker, cigaring

with that baby Jen if even the other.

got together with Darren?

Oh, like a week.

Nine days. It's over, mate. Like the song says, I know you want to make her

how much it's pained her, but you've got to walk away now.

What song's that?

The Streets, I think it was.

Dry your eyes, mate.

I know you want to make her see how much it's pained her. Oh, yeah, I used to

love that song when I was little.

But you've got to walk away now. Excuse me, I'm in procedure and you two think

you're on fucking X -Factor.

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

Hello. What?

He needs his best friend right now, yeah?

Look after him for me, cos I still care about him, yeah? The only thing you care

about is Lomax, and he still believes in the Toth Fairy.

Oh, my God.

Cerys.

Hiya. What, you two know each other?

Oh, sort of. We met at my dad's wedding, didn't we? Yes.

Right, well, I don't know about you, but I'm gasping for a sausage.

I lost my phone. Sorry, no, you go on.

I lost my phone, and I didn't know anyone else that had your number.

I thought about Facebooking you, but then I really wasn't sure if you were

bothered. I was bothered.

I was totally bothered.

No, never smoked, never gambled, never drugged.

Never even binged on chocolate cake or stuffed my face in a pie.

I am totally in control of my vices, which comprise alcohol.

I know my limits.

Coffee, two cups a day.

And occasional lapses into hardcore sadomasochistic sex.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Betty Wong don't look like she's got in with the

crowd.

All right?

Busy, isn't it? Which is why me and him are making a move.

Come on, chirpy chops.

A bowl of my stew will put a smile on your face. Yeah, whatever.

Don't be coming home too early tonight, Bobs. I want a bit of private time for

me and my girl.

Have some water.

No.

I worry about you, Ben.

No, you don't. I do.

You're like a sort of, I don't know, a pretend kid brother or something.

You'll have the real thing in a few weeks, won't you?

And then you forget about me.

I can never forget you. You're too annoying.

And I doubt I'll ever meet my dad's baby.

He won't even talk to me about it. Or Stella.

He's really...

Messed up, bless him. Well, if he hadn't been such an almighty shagga and messed

my mum around, he wouldn't even be in this mess, would he?

You're a dick.

Have you seen that Luke Morgan?

Is he in by here?

Oh, just let yourself in, Nadine, why don't you? He's not answering his

I've not seen heel nor hound of him since this morning.

Um, he was at the station earlier taking the kids to Cardiff.

Cardiff? Well, if he's not back within an hour, I'm calling the police. And you

can tell him that from me, Michael Jackson.

How? How can I tell him?

So,

where I'm at, I suppose.

I can't say it's gone away.

You know, that feeling of, I don't know, needing to gamble.

I still cross the road when I pass the Buc -ee's.

Even the bloody scratch cards call out to me sometimes when I'm buying my fags.

It's getting less.

It's getting better.

Just keep going, I guess.

It's true what they say.

About a day at a time.

Cheers.

And if anyone's interested, I'm thinking of starting a new meeting in Ponte

Verde. I'll keep you posted.

Nadine.

She's fine.

No, she hasn't been playing roulette.

Wendell, please, I need your help.

If you come now, I will pay you double.

Madam,

you are next, I promise.

I will pay you triple, please.

Okay, who's next?

And Michael knows nothing about it.

I could hardly tell him, could I?

Oh, Michael, I've been in regular contact with the mother of your unborn

who you want absolutely nothing to do with. Well, he's going to find out

or later.

I know.

Hey, shouldn't you get going?

Oh, God, yeah.

I'm not even sure little Alan's packed yet.

What's that, lots of postcards? Yeah.

And don't let Alan do nothing stupid like hang gliding or pot tooling.

You know what he's like.

Oh, mate.

You whole munch.

I'm really going to miss you, you know.

I'm going to miss you too.

Now bugger off.

Carol, it is Jagdish again. If you get this message, perhaps you would

reconsider... One minute, please. Reconsider and... One moment, please.

help me, please.

Jack, are you all right?

I cannot go.

I've taken on too much.

Right, you lot, calm down or you won't get...

It's been so brilliant. Like, such a shock.

I mean, a good shock.

So, are you going to walk me home, then, or what?

Yeah, all right.

I'll get us a couple of burgers for Janie.

Hey, Keris Peris lives in a terrace.

You should do stand -up.

What are you joking, Lilla?

held up in Gloucester.

So, Yanto's going to take us to meet him there. Come on. But I was going to...

Look, can I just think about you? No, you can't. Love, we're late.

Ben, if you see Karen...

Babes you shouldn't have.

Don't they?

It's good to see you, Mike.

You're looking hot.

I bought Stella's cardi back.

She lent it to me today at the hospital.

Good as gold she is. Fair play. Always looking out for me.

Are you supposed to tell her today?

Yeah, she came to scan with me.

What?

Anyway, say thanks and that.

I'll see her next week, most probes.

She said you lent it to her when you went for the scan for Fuxman.

But you said you were, quote, always looking out for her.

I can't not care about your baby, Micah. I wish I didn't, but I do.

Stella.

It's a little boy.

Look.

I've got to go into bed.

Oh, my God. No, I really don't want to talk about this. Oh, please don't let it

spoil our evening together. I've got so much to tell you. I've got a job tonight

as a person.

So why does everyone in this town think it's OK to barge into other people's

houses? I need to stay with you this summer. What? What?

David, what's going on? He says he's not coming on holiday.

I'm nearly 18. I know we're in dad -like family, but I can't stand it, and I'm

not a kid anymore.

Oh, where's Alan?

He's talking to the doctor.

Oh, darling!

Nadine, once again, come on in. Don't be disgusting.

Your look absconded with Genevieve today.

Took her to Cardiff, he did, without so much as a by your knee.

Not now, Nadine.

I'll help around the house.

I'll walk the door.

Nadine, what's Alan going to say if I turn up without him?

I'm home!

Oh, my God, Ben!

Mam, I'm really drunk and someone's written knob on my head, see?

Little Alan!

So can I say then, Sal, can I, can I, can I? You say, you don't know.

You didn't go vanning.

You stayed for me. You know I'm Tottenham. Look.

Well, actually, it's because... I love you. We're going to have the best

Just you and me. No poncy girls or girls or nothing. We're going to have the

boys' summer.

Yeah? Yeah, calm down and get to bed and drink some bloody water.

What in the name of Michael Ball is going on?

Me and him have just been watching David Attenborough's watching McCall, but

there's more wildlife happening in Bayer by the look. And good God... What are

you, still doing here? I thought you'd be off trips and round the country and

you've off begun.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, Michael.

Good morning, Ivan Shloss, International Director of Funerals.

No, we are not open yet for business.

Wednesday.

Well, can you keep her in a cool place for a couple of days?

Out of direct sunlight?

Good.

People like you make me sick.

It's not natural.

Exercise to banish the demons and ward off disease.

Plus, I know I've been invited to this christening, and I don't want to look

like I care.

Will you please put that filthy cigarette out? Don't start on me. I'm

That is my pee, Bobby Gittins. But it's coming in through the letterbox.

How's this baby going to get christened if it's coughing up in the vicar's face?

All right, dear?

Everything ready?

Yeah, well, apart from the fact I've no read from Carl.

He was supposed to be here at seven this morning.

If he'd had an accident and ruined his daughter's big day, so help me still,

I'll never forgive him.

Oh, he'll be here now. You watch.

You were right to have been down that allotment since the crack of Sparrows.

Coffee? Katie's going to see us there.

She's really excited about France.

Really? You've got plenty of carrots there.

That's to make a carrot cake, Lisa. I nearly lost you to Beyonce bloody Evans.

Surely you can see I don't want to have anything to do with her.

And she's mental.

She freaks me out, if I'm honest.

She's just young and a bit stupid and probably quite scared.

Don't defend her.

I'm not.

Look, I won't contact her again, OK?

Thank you.

Am I in your pink shirt?

Are you going to wear that for your blue suit? I'm not going.

Oh, don't be daft. Everyone's expecting you.

Well, they'll just have to be disappointed, won't they? Come on, it'll

lot... What is it with you and the Pollyanna attitude?

Cheer up, it might never happen. It's just so annoying.

What, you think I'm enjoying this, do you?

People are pointing at me when I go to the garage or the shop. That's the one

whose boyfriend had a one -night stand and got the girl pregnant. God knows why

she haven't left him. Who says things like that? Tell me who they are. Nasty

little digs and her big pregnant belly staring me in the face, reminding me

you both did. It isn't fun, believe me.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

I feel so... ashamed, I suppose.

Yeah, well, get over yourself, Michael.

Cos when that baby arrives, he's going to need your help, and you droning on

about what a bad person you are don't do no -one no favours.

This is a disaster.

We'll never be ready in time.

Oh, chill, Dad. It'll be fine.

What do you know? You're probably still drunk from last night.

Carol. Let's get one thing straight.

I'm honest with the days long me. I don't nick from no one. I never have.

resent people thinking the worst of me because I always think the best for

Accuse me again and I'll walk out of here and never look back. But treat me

respect and I'll be as loyal as a butcher's dog.

Now pass me that home before you've got the attachment all wrong.

I'm so terribly sorry.

You know you should be.

You look hideous.

Thanks.

And you've still got knob written on your forehead.

Won't come off.

Do a comb -over.

It's a really difficult situation.

And my dad can be so stubborn.

Well, that's men for you.

I just wish you'd have a word with him, would you?

We're not exactly friends at the moment.

Dad! Dad!

What am I going to do? He's gone!

Oh, my God, have he died?

What? No.

But his flight got cancelled from Aberdeen.

He's not coming to Christenden.

How can a father not come to his own daughter's Christenden?

Dean, you're going to have to calm down. You'll upset the baby.

I'm as calm as a bloody duck pond.

Right, well, you just have to carry on without him, cos everyone's gone inside

now.

Come on.

And the little bitty babby boy Cried out with a gully lung and leg A sorry

lie for above me lived When the devil saw my dying maid

Sing out to the one who betook my soul and cry to the one who forsook my toll.

My money over the broken wall and chase out the devil with a drum like pole.

Chase out the devil with a drum like pole.

Thank you, Lisa Howells and Idrith, for that beautiful christening song.

And now it's time to welcome Genevieve into the family of Christ.

Genevieve, Brenda... At least.

Someone have had the common decency to name their child after me.

Genevieve Brenda Apricot with a Y.

I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy

Spirit.

Amen, and pray it be to all the angels.

Stella?

Oh, blush.

Thanks, Marge.

It's like the one Luke got me so I'll have a matching pair.

Oh, we got you in like that.

Exactly the same.

Tell you what, Stell.

Michael Jackson will be having a nice cocking bash for that niece of mine when

she popped.

Will you cock him, Megan?

I doubt it, Rianne.

Oh, she's annoyed at you.

One minute you're all over her, touting her with a marinated rib. The next

minute you'll even have stranded at the bar, be branded a fool. I know.

I messed up.

Look, please, Jazz, give me your number.

I've got a bit of intel for you, good boy.

What you on about?

See him by there?

Pale -looking fella in the corner, sipping a Bloody Mary.

Yeah.

You'll never guess what he'd do for a living.

Go on.

Ooh!

Knock me sideways on a seesaw.

Katie.

I haven't been to many christenings, but that was really weird.

Why aren't you at the party? I'll put back there later. I just wanted to see

before I go to France.

Mum loves it.

Oh, I know.

The only problem is she insists on speaking in French the whole time.

Well, let's just hope you meet some people your own age, otherwise you're

to be seriously bored.

I've had nearly 18 years being an only child.

Just me, on the holidays in France, Christmas, birthdays, all that.

I know we haven't really... Did you have... Any idea how massive it is for

knowing that in a couple of months' time I'm going to have a little brother or

sister?

Katie Bear.

When I first found out about the baby, I thought I'd hate the idea of sharing

you.

You're not sharing me with anyone.

But that's the thing.

I'm looking forward to it.

In fact, I can't wait to show you off.

When did you get to be so wise, Katie Jackson?

I tripped off the old block, mate.

Um... It's a little brother, by the way.

Oh, Dad.

I'm going to come back with you to the party.

I need to see the dollar.

The answer is there.

Good.

Well, you can never get enough photo frames.

It's just a token.

I can see that.

Local counsellors don't get paid, you know.

I'm hardly rolling in it.

Especially since Brenda's butt is a bit in the duct.

Christ, how drunk were you? Don't start, OK?

He was drowning his sorrows.

Well, because of Lily.

Yeah, but they've been drowned now, all right?

Oh, well, now.

Cheers, mate.

What for?

You know, for looking out for me and that.

For not going on all day.

I really appreciate that, Lex.

Right. Who needs girlfriends, eh?

Oh, when we got each other.

Stella.

You changed his mind?

Sorry.

Oh, hello.

Oh, there's Lex.

Happy families.

And what about me, Mike? Where do I fit in, babes? You're one who caught in

trouble, but all right. No, it's a fair question.

Well, you're having a baby.

I'm his father, and when he's born, I'm going to do all I can to help bring him

up.

You? But just so you know, I won't be manipulated by you or buy into any of

sob stories.

My only interest is the welfare of my son.

Is that clear?

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand, okay. Good. And are you taking any iron? Oh, yes. I thought

about it. And folic acid? Yes, ma 'am.

God, what's going on?

Everyone, can I have your attention for a moment?

I've got to feel apologies.

from people for not being here today.

My sister Emma, as you know, is in India.

Pathetic excuse.

And Zoe's at her dad's. Disgusting.

But we're all thrilled to welcome Genevieve, Brenda, Apricot, with a Y,

into the family.

You're taking a piss.

And I've got something here to read out.

It's from Carl, it is, who obviously couldn't be here.

To his own daughter's christening.

Gonna cost her a fortune in therapy when she's older.

Here we go.

It's a poem.

Genevieve, Genevieve, give me leave, my Genevieve.

Higher than the light at night and bigger than a massive jar of marmite is

luck for you, my little girl, my youngest daughter, cleaner than a glass

water.

Genevieve, Genevieve.

Give me leave.

My Genevieve.

My big bitch.

And you came back.

And you came back. It shined all the way I did.

To be here with my girls.

Carl. Carl.

I knew it would let us down.

Listen. Pertweets with me go a bit D .H. Lawrence.

I don't suppose you'd be interested in seeing my kind of marrow.

Right, stuff.

Smile.

That is a big one.

Yes, indeed.

Took a lot of hard work to get in that size.

You feeling fruity, babes? What do you think I am, a lap dancer?

I walked in the name of the man next to the preacher. Do you know what

undertaking? If you don't stand a chance, Auntie Brenda.

You know what I'm doing, okay?

Well, she's just going to give in to her every time she asks for something.

Expensive shower, Gordon, am I?