Original subtitles

Any guest who doesn't come to our wedding dresses a character beginning

or C.

I've been gambling.

What? I told you, Luke, I don't do instalments.

My hand feels weird without it.

So it's just me and the milkman got up this early.

Well, I'm catching the Fix 30.

Interview's at nine. Oh, of course.

You look great.

Do I?

Yeah.

Oh, before I forget, I've got this for Ben.

Just a little good luck card for me and Katie.

Oh, thanks, Pratt. But to be honest, he's that confident of passing. He's

already been on a card to buy him a car.

Well, fingers crossed for both of us.

And don't worry.

You'll be brilliant.

Thanks.

Half this stuff ain't even paid for, man.

You are

not going to believe

this. What?

Rob flying back?

Today, yes.

Well, wouldn't you tell me? I just did.

I wasn't expecting him to jump on a plane, was I? I thought when he said

thought things, that he'd just transferred some money or...

Well, carry on. Don't mind me.

I'm just a punter -betty -gooseberry beer.

Oh, is he going to stay for Belmont?

I would have thought so.

No, he'll stay with us.

I'm going to bed, are you?

They didn't take the bed.

Oh, that was generous of them.

Right, well, I know your father's going to sort you out, but I want you to have

this for now.

Well, ma 'am, I can't. It's Bobby's rent.

And it's for food, Luke. Nothing else.

Don't be giving it to you and bloody Jenkins.

Thanks.

And over in that black bag by there, your costumes.

Now, I know most probs you don't feel like celebrating Alan and Celia's

right now.

Not really, no. But at least you'd all have something to wear.

Nothing more socially embarrassing than turning up at a fancy dress wedding

without a costume.

Oh, I don't know. Living in a house with no furniture comes a pretty close

second.

Cavemen. Well, it begins with a C, don't it? And be grateful you're not Auntie

Brenda.

She'd want to be Carmen Miranda.

Who?

Oh.

What do you reckon?

C for chauffeur. You look like a thunderbird.

You're not wearing that on the test, are you?

No, it's for tomorrow.

Big Al have asked me to drive him and Celia to their wedding.

You've got to park first, Pratt.

What problems? I'm going to smash it.

Not if you're late, you're not.

Oh, bollocks!

Language!

Right, I'd better go too.

Get ready for our house guest.

Thanks for the money, ma 'am. I'll pay our new bubs.

So long.

Oh.

Never -ending worry you were, kid, didn't he, darling?

We failed, didn't we, Dad?

Fail is the fall of the word, little Alan.

I know.

And we failed, didn't we?

Yeah.

We failed.

But why?

Because we had everything.

Except customers.

He's here, then.

Yeah. He thinks he's going to go like a hot cake.

Oh, love.

What do you always say about when one door closes?

Another one slams in your face.

Right, come on.

I can murder a cup of tea.

Anyone know a good calf?

No, this is for you, Stella. It gives me great pleasure in awarding you with St

Catherine's student scholarship for next year.

Is it a practical joke?

No. The scholarship is essentially a reward for achievement and diligence,

you've just aced your exams.

You should be very proud.

OK, Rabble, back to work.

You know, Stella, this will open up new horizons.

I'm very glad I was still here to present you with the award.

Oh, my God, are you dying?

No, it's just that I'm opening up New Horizons 2.

I'm off to Kenya at the end of the month to continue my research.

Thank you so much for this.

It means the world, I promise you.

It's not really me you should be thanking.

It's Sister Sprague.

Cheryl.

Cheryl.

Can I just say a big thanks?

Mr Honey told me what you did for me, the scholarship and that.

Your gratitude is unnecessary.

It was common sense.

I can't believe you nominated me.

I never thought you even liked me.

I don't. Oh.

Liking had nothing to do with it. You were my best trooper.

You always seem to give me the hardest time.

Oh, wake up and smell the death all morning.

A sergeant's always toughest on his top soldier.

Amy.

Massive thanks.

Are you a little clutch?

Absolutely not.

Katie, darling.

Yeah, just got back.

Um, kind of.

Listen, I need to talk to Stella, but can I see you this evening?

No, I'm fine. It's just, um... Look, I'll fill you in when I see you later.

OK. Bye.

Come in. Come in.

I have got amazing news.

I'm desperate to tell someone, but everyone's out. Why is everyone always

when you want to brag? Have you noticed that?

Well, I'm your man. Brag away.

Oh, my God, guess what? Rob is flying back to help Luke.

Is he? Bloody hell. Yeah, Luke rang him and he just jumped on a plane.

So, is that your news?

What?

Oh, no, no.

My news is that... Well, hang on.

How did the interview go?

No, you first.

No, you.

But you started. Michael, just tell me. I will after you tell me.

OK.

You are looking at the St Cat's scholarship recipient for next year.

They like me, Michael.

They really like me.

Well, that's fan -bloody -tastic.

Oh. Yeah, it'll look stonking on the TV, of course, and who knows where else

it'll lead.

I'm so pleased for you.

Congratulations. Thanks.

So, come on.

Well, they, um... They offered me the job.

Brilliant. I knew they would.

That means moving to London.

Of course it does, yeah.

The money's incredible.

I think so, too.

And to be honest, there's nothing to really keep me here now.

No.

Because Katie can finish the college here, and Jan's just down the road, and

you, you'll keep an eye on her for me, won't you? I will. She's welcome here

whenever she wants, you know that.

Yeah.

So, it's all good?

Yeah.

Good God, you were quick.

Hello, Stella.

Michael, this is Rob.

Morgan.

Rob, this is Michael.

Jackson.

Always like to get out of the way.

Sure.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Give a tea, everyone?

Thanks, no, I've got to go.

See you all later. Bye. Well done again.

Oh, thanks.

Sorry for your case.

So that was Michael?

Yeah.

We're just friends now.

Yeah, I heard. I'm sorry about that.

Me too.

So where's this boy of ours, then?

Probably at the car lot.

Honestly, Rob, we've been worried sick about him.

Mum?

Well?

I passed!

Oh, that's brilliant!

Congratulations.

What are you doing here?

Thing is, Jan, now's the time to do it. Before the sprog to come.

Where to, you looking?

The whole of the UK.

Well, Wales, anyway.

Preferably Portaberry.

Same street as her ma, my dearie.

Shit, a brick.

Rob Morgan.

Hey, the sheriff's back in town.

How's it hanging, bud?

Oh, good, thanks.

How are you?

Top notch.

Fine house I am.

I'm not too good, Rob.

Despite the increase in medication, I can only sleep at night with the light

In a chair.

Anyway, it's good to catch up.

Luke's in the office, is he?

Well, look what the cat have dragged up from the sewer.

Oh, it's lovely to see you too, Auntie Brenda.

You were the last bad penny. This one one's turning up, believe who me. She's

already been publicly humiliated by her two -timing watchicle of a Wattenham.

Any more heartache and she'll pile them pounds back on quicker than Nigella in a

cake shop.

Luke's in the office, is he? No.

Never turned up for work this morning.

He'll no doubt be at the gaming table, gambling away his ill -gotten gains from

his stint as a male prostitute. He wasn't a male prostitute. He was an

agency.

Honestly, Rob, the worry that boy have brought upon this family is absolutely

shaming.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I've got to get back at the hospital.

That's all right.

I'll drop you off, and then I'll go and look for him.

See you, boys.

So long. And don't worry.

We'll get it sorted.

Thanks for coming back, Rob.

Alan?

Alan!

Oh, thanks.

Where's Amanda?

She won't be coming.

She wants a divorce. She's having an affair.

Never trust a woman, Alan.

They'll wring you out and hang you up by the nudges.

Thanks for that. I'm getting married tomorrow.

What's the time?

Two. Courage, is it?

Get out.

Oh. Get out where you still can before she breaks your heart.

Hey, come on, bro.

Nice cup of tea, is it?

My dad's at the payment tomorrow.

Is that right?

Aye, cash, mind telling.

I do hope your father knows what he's doing.

Because these chickens don't go cheap.

They don't go nothing at the moment. They're dead, man.

Farahona, eh?

Oh, my God, it's you. I'm such a massive fan.

Why, grazie, young man.

And that's a fantastic bird, the farahona. Well, the guinea fowl. Cooking

for my dad's wedding, I am. Be very careful.

If you cook this for too long, she will be a staff.

As your old boots.

Hey, Giorgio.

Oh, my God, is that him? Yes, it's him.

Gino De Campo.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. De Campo.

Hey, ciao, Bella.

I love you in Strictly.

I watch it every week.

I feel like I'm grieving.

I know, she was a special lady.

It's not her.

I'm talking about the house. We've only just had the loft done, and I'm not

going to lose that!

No. Ah, gotcha. Right.

I know this is a difficult time for you, but I was wondering if you could lend

me a few quid.

Sorry? It's the cafe, see?

We're closing down.

I've lost everything. I've gone a bit overboard with the wedding and I just

don't know I'm going to pay for it all.

Do you not just hear what I said?

I have to plough every spare penny into a lawyer.

Of course.

All you need to do is just pare everything right down.

Cut out the unnecessaries.

Sign to this, will you?

What is it?

250 helium balloons.

We'll come straight to the point.

We want to buy your house.

Oh.

It may well have been a bad line, but that's not my fault, is it?

The thing is, I've now got 250 balloons that are completely useless.

No!

Alan and Seal!

Alan and Seal!

Yeah, please tell me Adam and Neil isn't written on the cake we ordered, too.

The Jamaican cake.

The rum one.

No, we're not Jamaican!

Foreseen rat.

Any luck?

Duff.

Let's go and see this E1 Jenkins, shall we?

Two grand, yeah?

That's right.

Much obliged.

I've got another two K, yeah? How would you like to make it four?

Why would you want to do that?

Double or quits?

Rob, I don't think you can own a bookie to not be a batting man.

One flip be one.

Four grand.

What do you say?

Head or tails?

Shit.

Shit.

Shit!

Are you for real?

You could have just lost four grand in there, you mad?

Perhaps not.

Two heads.

What if he had Nicole Tails?

I got another one in my pocket.

With two tails. Classic.

I lost ten grand on the flip of one of them once.

The bloke who called me left them to me in his will.

Cheeky bastard, eh? Ten grand.

I know more about all this than you think I do, Luke.

About 12 years ago, I nearly lost everything.

I started on the internet.

I thought it was harmless.

It wasn't long before I was coming out of casinos as kids were going to school.

Card tables are bloody lonely places.

Tell me about it.

It was a thrill at the time, though, wasn't it?

Oh, yes.

The thrill is always... Oh, I don't know.

..covering up something else.

Oh, here we go.

I was a psychologist, alert.

See, I'd made all this money.

Successful businessman, nice house, posh car.

But I still had a son in Wales I'd never seen.

I couldn't face up to that.

All that guilt.

And the gambling was a way of... Well, it made me feel better, somehow.

Look, Rob, I'm not sure... To be honest with you, the reasons why I gambled...

Don't actually matter.

If you're an addict, you're an addict.

I'm a bloody addict.

Christ, what are you saying? You make me sound like a junkie or something.

I had a problem.

Do you think you've got a problem with gambling, Luke?

Oh, shut up, man.

Do you think you've got a problem, Luke?

In all them years when I was growing up, get the piss taken out to you in school

because you haven't got a dad.

Or them chapel on a Sunday types who feel, oh, so sorry for the poor lad

his father abandoned him.

Then you end up in jail.

People say, well, it's because he hasn't got a dad.

I can imagine that. I could handle all that, Bob.

Honestly, I could.

But then you came back.

And I got to know you.

You were this big shot businessman, money no object, everything you touched

turned to gold.

And you got me out to Canada.

That failed.

You set me up in business.

That failed.

So then, I'm left on my own.

You were never on your own. Apart from Zoe and Jack, my beautiful

little Sophie were the only things that I've ever succeeded at.

Everything else is a big, fat fail.

So when I'm stood there at the roulette table or waiting for my horse to cross

the finish or to get dealt a good hand, that's when I don't

feel a failure.

Because that's when I could still win.

And when I do, because I do win sometimes, Rob, it's the best feeling in

world.

And when you lose...

Well, losing's what I'm

used to. Losing's what I expect.

And what I deserve.

The whole wedding's just spiralled out of control.

One idea just led to another.

The catalogue made it look so easy and reasonable, I thought.

But pound by pound it kept going up, and now I just... Stella, are you asleep?

Right.

Well, I'd best be off, then.

Celia's doing two Nebolognese.

Bloody awful stuff. I said I liked it once, and I'm stuck with it.

Shall I answer that on the way out?

Right.

All right, come in. I think she's dropped off.

What?

Yeah.

Oh.

Where's Alan?

Oh, he's gone.

He looked quite stressed.

He was scratching.

Did you know he spent two grand on fireworks for tomorrow?

Has he?

What's with the wine?

Oh, well, we didn't really finish talking earlier when Rob arrived. And I

thought we should celebrate, you know, your scholarship and my job offer.

And I've got another bit of news as well.

Good or bad?

Well, I think that depends on how you view it. Carl and Nadine are buying my

house.

It was too good an offer to turn down.

Are you insane?

That's a bit dramatic, isn't it?

Dramatic? Well, I thought you'd be pleased I was telling it.

Why didn't you discuss it with me? Why should I discuss it with you? Because

we're meant to be friends.

But you care more about them moving in than me moving out. Why should I care

about you moving out?

Because of us.

There is no us, Michael. Up until recently, you and I were living

sex with a 28 -year -old. Oh, just let it go, Stella, for Christ's sake. Don't

worry, I have. You're like a dog with a bone, chewing it over and over again.

You know, sometimes I just think you like having a bloody problem. I really

Well, my problem started the day you moved in next door and ruined my life.

Ruined your life? I was perfectly happy until then. You're just such a drama

queen. Oh, do you know what? The sooner you fuck off up to London, the better.

You still love me. No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't. So say it. Say,

Michael, I don't love you anymore. Michael, I don't love you anymore.

You...

Don't move.

What time is it? Time you got dressed.

You look great.

Thanks.

Sorry about last night.

Shouldn't have happened.

Why?

Moving to London, for starters.

Tell me not to go and I'll stay.

That's as simple as that, though, is it, Prash?

Viewed the wedding.

What do you think, Sophie?

Do you like Grandpa's costume?

Well, no -one's going to look as nice as my plus one, are they, sweetheart?

Right, well, I've done it.

Is it OK?

Yeah, this fella's going to pick me up Tuesday night and take me to a meeting

Cardiff. Well done.

It's worth giving it a go, eh?

I know, but Gamble and Anonymous, what are people going to think?

People aren't going to think anything, cos people aren't going to know. I think

that's why they call it Anonymous.

Really proud of you, Luke.

Yeah, you'll do it.

I know you will.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I think my plus one is just under number two.

Well, you know where the nappies are, Grandpa.

Right.

Ready, big boy?

Time to go.

We're going to the party, yeah.

Your beauty would indeed bring Rome to its feet.

You smooth -talking booger, Anthony.

You fool!

Ponteberry's gone faggot mad.

I've been mincing all morning.

Say nothing.

What's the matter,

Ben?

What's it playing at?

I feel like I've been through a wash. It's all cycle.

All right, officer?

We've had several reports of a car that's jumped every red light in the

Last seen heading this way.

How do you know it was that?

Apparently it had a big picture of Di Davies on the side.

Who was driving the vehicle?

Me. Show me your driving licence.

I can't.

You can.

You will.

I didn't pass my test, did I?

What? Ben.

Oh, Ben. You are joking, Ben.

You're under arrest.

Oh, please.

This is our wedding.

Then I take it you have an events licence to put the marquee up here?

What's that, then? Right.

Get that lot down now. I'm sorry.

The wedding's off.

No.

Please don't.

Take your hands off my son! Stand back, please, madam.

Please!

It's a wedding, not a rugby match.

Look, officer, Ben here may not have a licence, but he was driving under the

supervision of a qualified driver, wasn't he, Alan?

Was he? Yes, Alan was giving Ben a driving lesson, weren't you, Alan?

Was I?

Yes, that's right.

A lesson.

On the way to your wedding.

You can never get enough practice, I always say.

The magnetic L plates obviously fell off.

The traffic violations you speak of were reported and not witnessed by yourself.

I think we both know this is just a caution.

Don't we, James? James. James.

Bloody lawyers.

Get out.

Someone asked for me. And who are you?

Hey, Blinken.

Who the fuck are you? Excuse me, sir? Scott owns the company that supplied the

marquee, the licensed marquee. Bloody hell.

It's Scott Quinnell.

All right.

Say hello to my dad, will you?

He's a scholar. He's in ticket order.

He'll go bonkers.

All right, Dad?

Yeah. Everybody, the weather's back on!

Yee -haw!

Yee -haw!

Yee -haw!

Bit

of

a hero, isn't he?

Has his moment.

Is there no way you two can work things out?

He's moving to London.

Yeah, I know. He told me.

Did he? It's London, not Canada.

Can you meet him halfway?

I've got memory services.

It's not just about the distance.

I know.

It's about his little misdemeanour.

Misdemeanour? Is that what he called it?

Oh, here we go. No, he didn't. I've been having a right little mugger's meeting

about you two of you.

Talking about how neurotic I am.

We never actually used the word neurotic.

He seems like a really good bloke.

He's besotted with you.

Yeah, well, you should have thought about it. Life's not black and white.

Don't be so stubborn, Stella.

Hiya, neighbour.

Now, I know what you're thinking. I doubt it.

You're thinking, Christ, this will be awkward, having my ex -husband and his

much younger, fitter wife living next door.

Is that it?

But I need your help and advice, Del.

I've never been a mother before, and, well, your kids adore you, don't they?

You must be a good one.

Well, Dean, that is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

And you've got quite a few, and by different fathers, for the faith that

been around the block a bit like that. And she's back in the room.

Eh?

Never mind. Come on.

Pyramid is starting.

the legs to you. Is it okay?

It's perfect.

We're gathered here today to witness the marriage of Celia Emily Braxton and

Alan Barry John Gareth Edward J.

P. R.

Williams.

If anyone knows any cause or just impediment why these two persons should

lawfully wed, Feet now, or forever hold your pee.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

That was a fascinating groom's speech, and I, for one, am now far better

educated in the history of Ponderbury Rugby Club and its league results, 1910

2014.

Bravo! Which brings us on to the best man's speech.

Alan, you've been such a good friend to me over the past few months. You've

stood by me when you didn't need to.

You've always been a rock in the lives of those around you, and people say, and

I have to agree, that you are...

Kind, generous and compassionate man.

And the reason that you and your wife make such a great couple is that Celia

those things too, in equal measure.

Plus she's prettier.

Anyway, I was hoping to give you some advice on love and marriage, but I'm not

sure I'm really qualified.

Yep. So I'm going to read you something instead.

It's from the novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides, you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is

inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness.

It is not excitement.

It is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being in love, which any fool can do.

Love itself is what's left over when being in love is burned away.

Roots that grow towards each other underground.

And when all the pretty blossom has fallen from your branches, you find that

are one tree, and not two.

To Alan and Celia. May their roots forever be entwined.

He's clearly been drinking.

Alan and Celia.

Well, I was possibly the worst best man speech I've ever heard. I told Alan he

should have asked me.

And what was all that about a tree?

Yeah.

I promise, all my life, I'll never, ever hurt you again.

Right, like a district.

You get the earliest train out of London every Friday. And the last train back

on Sunday nights, without pay.

I can make it work, Star.

I love you.

I love you.

Mmm,

love it. I'll stop it, girl.

That, young man, was the most amazing meal ever.

Thank you so much.

You're a real star.

Thanks.

Eh, what's up?

Bit tragic, innit?

The only one here without a girlfriend.

Listen, love.

Sometimes special people have to wait for special things.

I mean, look at me and your dad.

And it's not everyone who's met Gino De Campo, is it?

Gino De Campo?

You met Gino De Campo?

Yeah.

Cookin's my passion. I adore all the chefs.

And I met Jamie Oliver.

And Gordon Ramsay.

It's been such a lovely day.

Yeah.

What's the matter?

Why are you so twitchy?

So, I got something for you.

Oh, my God, you got it back.

Yeah.

Will you marry me?

Again?

I will marry you again and again.

Brother cocking Alan as I live and breathe.

We are never.

You're looking well, babe.

Likewise. Cut the crap, Al. I'm hanging and you don't know it.

Any grub left from the day, do?

Bastard hank I am.

No.

Just invited for the evening, do, is it?

I weren't invited at all, but there's a free bar of no one on the door, so I

thought cock it.

I love this song.

Oi! Georgia Butcher!

Let's be out of here!

So, are you going to tell me now?

Tell you what?

How will I pay for all this?

Well, I asked my brother.

And? Who's the definite no?

What the hell are we going to do?

I don't know, love.

Forget about them guinea pollock, right? They're on the house.

You've done enough for me before now.

The mackie, the bath, for free. My treat.

Might make up for all those lifts you've given me in the past.

And I'll cover the rest.

It's been a good year on the buses, and you and Celiac have always been kind to

me.

And the Cadillac.

Let's call it half price.

Free, of course. I mean free.

Oh.

How did you all know?

Sorry I couldn't lend you any money, Al, but you're not broke.

Look around you.

You're very rich.

It's time for the fireworks!

Right,

everyone. Get ready for 15 minutes of a night sky lit up with magic.

Yancho, take it away.

I mean, that's my only worry about London. Why?

Well, it's going to seem so quiet after Ponterbury.

Oh.

I can't conceive This way

I feel For all the time we spent together

I have been desperate to do that for five whole days.

God, so have I.

Once I get you home, I'm not letting you out of the house all weekend.

Psycho.

Oh, my God.

Carl and Nadine are doing my head in.

Nadine reckons the downpipe's gone up to EU regulation, and Carl's just gone on

about the rendering.

I mean, what the hell is rendering anyway?

Is it safe?

Just like it.

Just the man.

Nadine, it's not my house anymore.

I'm not responsible.

Tell him what the rain was like last night, Stell.

Our gutter is knackered.

Like Viagra Falls, there was. Look, I've only just got home. It's been a long

week. We'll talk about this later.

Yeah?

OK, I apologise.

I should never have sold them the house.

Ben's out to the evening.

So... Second set.

Oh, for God's sake, can you get a restraining order on your next -door

neighbour? Dean, when I said later, I didn't mean 30 seconds.

Hiya. What do you want?

I'm glad I caught you, Mike.

I got something for you.

Twelve weeks I am.

Obviously, as you were, so I thought I'd better let you know, like, only fair.

Anyway, we'll have to sort our maintenance now when the time comes.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Oh.

For you I was a flame.

Love is a losing game.

Five story fire as it came.

Love is a losing game.