Original subtitles

Can I get you a coffee?

Um, yeah.

You do know I've cooked dinner, don't you?

Oh, my God!

Oh, Fortor, I can still taste you on my lips. I got drunk and she kissed me and

I... You could debunk my car.

A bit, yeah.

My heart starts beating.

I like your weekend.

Beyonce Evans

of all people.

It's like choosing a dirty doner kebab over a lovely bit of rump.

No one's ever compared me to a steak before, Al. Well, it's true.

Michael Jackson's a fool.

Yeah, you're right about that.

At the end of the day, though, Stella, it was only a kiss, not the end of the

world. I mean, Carl had the odd snog, didn't he? Christmas do's and that.

Yeah, and Carl went off with the youngest limmer model. Thanks for

out. All I'm saying is that Beyonce Evans is trouble.

And you're worth a million of her.

Are you going to throw her all away just because of one stupid kiss?

And he was drunk.

Oh, why do men always think that's an excuse?

Don't get drunk if you're going to behave badly.

I know what you're saying, Al. I just want to make him suffer a bit longer.

So you don't do it again?

How long now you've been giving him the silent treatment?

Two and a half days.

Oh, Christ, you stubborn.

Hey, do you think they did tongues?

Well... Only ask, as I heard yours is pierced.

Ooh, nasty.

Bits of food in it and everything, eh?

Ach, I mean... Die, Davis, for office.

Die, Davis, for office.

Die, Davis, for office.

Oh, then die?

What's all this?

I'm standing for the local council. If you want things doing round here, you've

got to do it yourself.

How's your Nadine doing?

Oh, proper glowing, she is.

Like a beautiful, pregnant lighthouse.

Die, Davis, for office.

Leaflet?

Ah, no, you're all right.

Luke says you're looking for work.

Aye, I'll do anything I will, so long as I'm paid. And I mean anything.

Well, I could do with some help on the campaign trail.

Oh, nice one.

Die, Davis, for office.

Did you pack the spit duvet for Jack's room?

Yes, and the sheets.

What time is it?

It's time we moved out.

I'll get these two in the car. Come on, mate.

Can I give you a hand with anything?

No, you're all right.

Bye, Jack.

You up already?

Yeah.

I'll be over after.

Number 25, isn't it?

Er, 21.

Morning.

I'll bring the ironing board and that ceramic egg bowl shaped like a hen.

Give me a shout if you need anything else.

Right.

See you soon then, Michael.

Thanks, you know, for letting us stay.

You make it sound like you're emigrating.

Sort yourselves out, you two, is there?

I walked your dog.

Oh, at last, the lady speaks.

Have a wash, for God's sake.

I look rough as a bear.

OK, what else?

You need one of them big busters with your face on. A dimobile.

Propaganda. It worked for Hitler.

I'd rather not be associated with Hitler if it's all the same to you.

What are you standing for anyway, good boy?

Someone's got to speak up for the underclasses.

The little people.

So it's nothing to do with having your planning application turned down?

On a whim.

Rodri bloody Bevan only had his application approved because he's on the

council. I had big plans for this place. And the truth comes out. This is all

about expanding your precious car lot. This car lot benefits the whole

community. And your wallet. People will see straight through it. They won't vote

for you.

Not without my help.

Will you see about that?

This has got some lovely baby stuff.

See?

Oh, fair play.

That one go lush in the nursery.

We're having fuchsia throughout with a new reel of badges on the main wall.

How are you going with names?

Blade with a Y if it's a boy and if it's a girl, apricot with a Y.

Full English or my colour?

Better get back to her.

Order for Michael Jackson!

It's best doing self -service now.

Surprised to see you showing your fate in here after what you've done.

Kissing another woman like that.

It's not as if Stella's ever going to find someone else at her time of life.

Hey.

Supposed to take the order to the customer.

I am with child.

What's that smell?

Coconut butter.

For the stretch marks.

Slathered in it, I am.

Only three months gone. What have you stretched?

I'm sorry about Nadine.

Obviously, she's, you know, pregnant and so on.

You seen Stella?

Aye.

She hasn't quite melted, but she's started to defrost, like.

You're just going to have to be patient, but... Oh!

Tight shoes.

Tight shoes?

Wear a pair of shoes a size too small. They'll hurt so much. Take your mind off

things. Thanks. That's very, uh, helpful.

Nadine.

Customer.

Good morning, everyone. How we doing?

All right.

I'm Guy Davis, running for council. I have to say, you're all looking very

and I hope I can count on your support in the poor... What are you two doing in

here?

Visiting the sick.

Like Jesus.

No, not like Jesus.

I wanted to give something back to the community.

Spread the love.

He's doing a Lady Diana.

A Lady Diana.

Get them bouquets out of here. What's wrong with flowers?

What is wrong is the pollen.

Bring them in here.

And before you know it, this whole ward is going to be full of coughing,

inflammations and crying.

Geraniums! Well, you may as well start swinging a machete around.

So take you a deadly angiosperms and leave.

Come on, son, we'd better go.

Yes!

I really like you in that, and I think you're immense.

Will you go out with me?

What was that?

Where's your passion?

Women want to be romanced. Yeah, like you're an expert.

Whatever. Just hurry up and get it over with. I'm getting well bored of you

going on about her.

You could do it for me.

You want me to ask her out for you?

We're not in infants.

I just want to know if she fancies me.

That's all.

Fine. Shuts you up.

What are you two losers gossiping about?

Monkeys. So which is it?

Both.

Sounds confusing.

Yeah, it was.

See ya.

That was weird.

Don't look at me.

It'll take more than flowers, Michael Jackson.

It's a start, right?

Yes, it's a start.

I was wondering if you'd be free for a drink tonight.

8 .30, my house.

Don't be late.

No.

I won't be.

I said you should have accepted my help, but you go off half -cocked and almost

end up killing a man.

Is it all right if I head off now?

Like rats deserting a sinking ship.

It's just, we moved house today and... Go away.

Why do I even bother, huh?

Well, that's a defeatist what you call, if ever I heard one.

What you need is someone who knows what makes the public tick. Someone like me.

You're offering to be my spin doctor?

Do we need to put a label on it?

I scratch your back, and one day soon, you can scratch mine.

Scratchy, scratchy, catchy squirrel.

I suppose it couldn't hurt to have some help.

Good!

If we're going to turn this around, we've got work to do. So, how do we

transform a spectacle like Di Davis into a great leader?

You could buy everyone a pint.

Of course, all...

Greatly it is forged in battle.

Oh!

Oh, I'm Glendour!

Who? The bloke that led our lot in the Battle of Ponterberry.

He's our first national hero, man.

Oh, like Gareth Bale?

Exactly. And the Ponterberry Historical Society are putting on their annual re

-enactment this weekend.

It could be perfect. I'll make some calls.

Calls, too?

What's going on? What do you think's going on, Di Davis?

You were going to war.

What's tomorrow?

She's coming over to do coursework.

You were meant to ask about me.

I tried.

She's only going on her bit of assignments.

I need to be subtle.

Don't be too subtle. You end up not asking.

Give us a bit of that.

No. It's a disaster.

The zoo didn't reduce properly. It's over -seasoned and the apple completely

washes out the flavour of the meat.

What is it?

A pot pie.

Just give a year, Nigella.

It's not your day, is it, son?

It never is.

How much do you lose?

What's the deal?

We'll hand you a few quid if you need it.

And why would you do that?

Listen, it's nothing to me.

A hundred, do you?

Pay me back when you can.

I own this place, so you'll know where to find me.

Cheers. I will pay you back.

Oh, I know you will.

Dad,

is it all right if a friend comes here tomorrow to do some coursework?

Who's this then?

Well, she's called Lily.

You know we haven't. Of course you haven't.

I won't tell no -one. Your secret's safe with me.

She literally is just a friend, though.

Keep telling yourself that and you're going to get in trouble.

Have you considered protection?

There you go. Oh, thanks, Scott.

I'd better get off. Got to go and put a shelf up in one of my other places.

Ta -ra, then.

All right, babe?

Hi, Scott.

Nice task.

Mum, what are you doing staring? It's embarrassing.

I wasn't.

What's the list?

We're having a clear out.

She's given away half our kitchen and all our pot noodles.

They're a month out of date.

When are you going to put sofas in you?

Look better with sofas.

I've been picking up furniture today as it goes.

Haven't I, Luke?

Yes.

Are you sure you can afford it? Because I've got a sideboard you can have for

nothing.

Stop giving away our house, man.

Anyway, it's sorted.

I made a big sale last week.

I thought that went on the deposit.

Some of it. Don't go on.

Sorry.

It's been a long day.

Oh, no.

Not the pizza wheel. Are we going to cut pizzas now?

Pizzas? Have you gone mental?

tomorrow afternoon, the Ponteberry Historical Society is holding their

Wattenham. Now, they're a bit short on numbers, so we're looking for some souls

to help re -enact our finest hour, the Battle of Ponteberry.

There's a free bar afterwards for any volunteers, courtesy of Di David.

Coggin' hard beer free.

I fancy this.

So go.

Me little Alan can look after the calf.

And anyway, your son have got a date. He don't need you hanging around like a

deranged stalker.

For the last time, it's not a date.

So, Ben's staying at his dad's tonight?

He didn't want to.

President Dean keeps looking at him like he's being sized up for a nappy.

And Luke and Zoe have all settled in?

Didn't really come here to make small talk, did you, Prash?

So how do we put all of this behind us, Donna?

We don't.

Because I am going to bring it up every single time you do something wrong.

Women. We're some bloody elephants.

Seriously, though, Michael, what were you thinking?

Oh, I don't know.

It just happened, one of those random moments of insanity.

Well, you're an idiot.

I know I am.

Because every relationship gets a free pass.

a get -out -of -jail card, and you're going to waste yours on Beyonce Evans.

What, free pass?

You know, you're allowed to kiss someone else just once and get away with it.

Anything more, you're on your bike, literally, in your case.

Don't mention bikes.

Go on, then.

Who would you use your free pass on?

Well, I've got quite a long list as it goes, but my top three would be Robert

Plant.

Jason Orange and Denzel Washington.

But if I was going to go local, Scott Quinnell. Scott Quinnell?

He's fit, he's loaded.

And he's your son's landlord. I'm sure that's a conflict of interest.

Qualified plumber and all. Might get him round to fix my sink.

Ooh, Scott, you've got your shirt all wet. Take it off, Prash, and I'll pop it

in the dry air. Then I'd push him up against the wall. I thought this free

was just for a kiss.

Yeah, of course it is.

I'm only joking.

Truth is, Michael...

I don't actually want a free pass.

Because there's no one else I want to kiss.

Only you.

I love kissing you.

And I love kissing you.

So, am I the best kisser in the world?

Right answer.

You're forgiven.

We'll mess up again, good boy, and it's curtain for you and me.

Where are you going?

Taking you to bed.

Got to make up properly now, haven't we?

It's all coming together.

I've been on to the Ponteberry Gazette and they're sending down a reporter and

photographer with a camera. A photographer with a camera?

We'll have to make sure you're ready for your close -up. These new digital

cameras can be so unforgiving.

How goes the makeover?

Meet the new Di Davis.

Good Lord, you've gone and embalmed him.

What the...

Auntie Brenda said we need to make you look younger to court the youth sports.

I'll court them some other way. I'll give out free promotional frisbees or

something. You mean free beer?

No, frisbees. I've got a business associate who can... Don't talk. It'll

in your wrinkles.

For Pete's sake, get that muck off his face. You've turned him into a red

squirrel.

This could take a while.

Morning. Don't tell me you two are back together.

Nah, it's just a one -night stand when I press.

I don't need to know about your deviant nocturnal fumblings. What do you want,

Auntie Brenda?

It's the Battle of Ponterberry this afternoon and we need bodies.

Matter of fact, the English chief have just dropped out. He got a cold sore or

something. Anyway, we need someone to lead them to defeat.

I don't know, it sounds a bit violent.

It's for charity, man.

The Petunia Trust.

Or do you want people to think you're uncharitable as well as an adulterer?

Go on.

I'll dig out my sexy medieval Welsh costume from Halloween.

I think I'd look better in a suit of armour. For me, obviously.

Well, in that case, I'm in. Maybe this time the English will win.

Dream on, good boy.

You can't rewrite history.

Not one line.

What the hell happened? You were there.

Nat Meg Symphony, six years off.

I look like an idiot.

You look like a leader.

Where's my backpack?

Don't even go there.

Now, what does being a homeowner have to do with getting a loan?

I only need two grand.

Well, that's it.

There's nothing I can do.

Yeah, well, thanks for that.

I'm beyond excited, I am, Luke.

Always wanted to be a Roman.

Right.

You all right? Are you bad?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fine.

I am Spartacus.

Ancestor of mine was in the Battle of Pompadour. I can't imagine what it was

like. All that fighting and shouting.

The carnage must have festered in their bellies like stagnant water from a pond.

Makes you think.

Aye, they stared death in the face and never flinched. Heroes to a man.

This bloody codpiece had cut me in two.

You took your sweet time.

Yeah, I couldn't do my corset up.

All right, Zari?

All right.

You look amazing.

You don't look so bad yourself.

I can barely breathe, though.

Well, I did always have that effect on you.

Watch yourself in that thing.

If it gets any bigger, you'll never get it off.

Glad we're friends again.

Me too.

I'm surprised to see you, yeah?

I'm leading the English army.

I thought you'd be more the traitor type.

Oh, stop your nonsense.

And that goes for the rest of you. We've called a truce, me and him, all right?

Always like a happy ending, me.

Yeah, me. Can't be doing with conflict.

Gives me acid.

Right.

See you on the battlefield, then.

Up the English.

What's that?

I thought you might like to do your coursework surrounded by a little

ambience. Oh, for God's sake.

No need to bite my head off, little Alan. I'm only trying to help.

Like I told you the last seven times, she isn't here yet. Is that her?

No, it's Ben's.

Hi.

She's not my girlfriend.

Sorry, give me one second.

What does she mean, girlfriend?

Ben Morris.

Phone. An anachronistic.

Give that back.

Not till after the battle.

This is an historically authentic event.

If you...

I'm going to see a good, clean fight today.

No kicking, no punching, no fighting.

But remember, that cross of St George on Michael Jackson is a target.

Double top.

George!

Countrymen, to say no more will we tolerate the unruly waltz.

Today,

we fight back.

Are you forgiving him, then?

Yeah, half too soon early. Take it against the dick deck.

I was desperate for that.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Today is about bringing our electorate together as one.

That's my goal as councillor.

Unity for Ponteberry!

So,

without further to do, I do declare this re -enactment open.

Do you see the whites of their eyes?

I've not been totally honest about why I invited you over.

Hang on.

Look, I really like you, but just as a friend. Nothing else.

I don't like you either. Not me.

You, Jezebel.

Coming in here, leaving on a poor, dumbstruck boy.

Excuse me?

If you can't see his potential, then you don't deserve to be with him while he

blossoms. Yeah, I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to go. Lily,

Leave it.

You're better off without death.

Hi. Bye.

Kidding me.

You give him.

What the hell are you doing here?

Did you cut your hands off him?

I've had my hands on him more recently than you have, love. In your dreams.

Stella, ignore her.

Let's go home.

Listen, good girl.

Michael have told me what happened, okay? How you threw yourself at him like

piece of cheap Ponteberry trash that you are. Stella. But one kiss don't mean

nothing. And he didn't even enjoy it. Okay, so tootle off now and find

some other poor bloke to annoy because this one is mine and you are...

Haven't I, Michael?

She's insane, Stella.

Seriously, she's a psycho. When you come to my house, were you having coffee?

Were you a boss?

Yeah, right.

And I've shagged the life out of him.

Didn't I, babe?

Shut up.

Shut up.

And for the record, it was gorgeous.

Oh, I can see what you see in him.

Michael, tell me she's lying.

Stella. You fucking bastard!

I will never...

Dead.

Good boy.

Come on, lads. Don't do this now.

There's a time and place for fighting and it's not in the middle of an

historical battle re -enactment.

That's enough, Luffy boy. Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

Leave it, leave it, leave it.

You should be ashamed, Luke Morgan.

Fighting like a prison cat in front of all in sundry.

Okay, everyone.

Show's over, yeah?

Oh,

it's a fiasco. Let's go. Come on.

Come on, Mike. Let's get you warm.

I told you to get away from me.

Baby's having the open now.

So what planet are you on? I don't want you. I want Stella.

You didn't want her last week when you were in my bed.

I think we'd better leave now, is it?

What's the problem with men like him, Al?

Pouring on themselves pity, thinking they're a dirty little way, and then

thinking they can go crawling back to their dry -dip old girlfriend and

happens? Okay, enough.

You say what you want about him, but don't you say a word against Stella

Throw your pipe in slippers, old man.

Hiya, Celia.

Oh, my God, you couldn't have timed it better.

I'll be there in a shake of a lamb.

I'll drink the two of you under the table. Just you wait.

Yes, you do.

And you're done.

Good. Drink up.

Enjoy yourselves.

It's amazing what a free bar can do.

They've all forgotten the fighting now.

Coming through, coming through.

It's all on Di Davis.

I'm all right, but I need to keep a clear head in case I've got to pick the

girls up, like, you know. Aye.

Poor Estelle.

She deserves better.

Didn't you cheat on her? No.

Like I said, she deserves better.

Who are they?

Where'd they come from?

Did you invite them?

This lot are too young to vote anyway.

It's never too early to make an impression on the next generation of

Davis.

Well, well.

I never knew you were in my gang, Scott.

I'm not. I only clubbed tonight.

Look, you're the hall of punk. No, you do, Scott. Canal.

Quinnell. What?

Quinnell. Oh, tomorrow.

Hey, Scott, will you do me a favour?

What's that about?

A little experiment, like.

Fucking hell.

Just needed to find out.

Excuse me, gents.

Oh, you need to project a bit.

Stop all that mumbling and we're good.

Thanks for coming, everyone. If I could just have your attention for a moment.

Why, you lot!

I hear as he's trying to speak.

Have some cock and respect.

As I was saying, we've all had a fun time, but it's last orders at the bar

It's all getting a bit much here, to be honest. You bunch of... You bunch of

animals!

Quick as you can, Press.

I think Celia's had enough.

Alan's going to come and get her. Love you, Alan.

I'm not drunk.

Yeah, she is.

See you in a bit.

How did we get in here?

Ladies only.

I don't see no ladies.

Well... And anyway...

I'm the dude in the gym, filthy sausages, who don't know where they

I am the worst friend ever invented. I should be looking after you.

Oh, shut up, man.

You've had a brilliant night.

Sort of.

Either of you got a screwdriver? I can't get this bloody codpiece off.

I'm obviously not cut out for politics.

You gave it your best shot.

We can't all be a Mussolini.

Yeah.

Well, I quit. The whole thing was a complete waste of time.

So that's it, is it?

You're going to abandon the people of Poudreberry just like that? Yep, I'm

I'm done.

Then you leave me no choice, Di Davis.

What are you talking about?

You may not have the watcher calls to run for office, but I do.

And if you are standing down, then Aunty Brenda's standing up.

Look out, Ponterberry.

I got me an election to win.

Nice to see you.

Just coming through.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

And a very good evening to you, too.

Good evening,

my push baby.

My push baby is a bear.

He's a big, bad bear.

Ta -da!

What do you think?

I got too much, didn't I?

We can always send it back.

Forget it. It's your note.

I have to get money out for the deposit.

We're going to need to top it up or we're going to the overdraft.

We really can afford it, can't we?

What do you think I do all day long at the car lot?

I know.

Sorry.

So did you win today?

Yeah.

Thrashed them, we did.

Luke, what's happened?

Nothing.

I don't want to talk about it.

Right now, I just want to sit here on my new sofa, enjoy this beer in front of

my new telly.

You must be knackered.

We're so lucky to have you taking care of us.

I've got to say, I'm gutted about you two. I'm probably... Get it.

I'd really gotten to like Michael.

I thought he was solid, you know.

Yeah.

Didn't we all?

You're one of my favourite people in the world, you are.

I want you to know that.

And you're one of mine, Prash.

Every woman should have an Alan Williams in their life.

See ya.

Right.

Hey.

I kissed Scott Quinnell tonight.

Why?

Dunno.

Thought it would make me feel better.

Did it?

Stella. Before you have a go, just hear me out.

I've thought it over and... I know nothing I say can make it better.

I know you'll never trust me again.

And I know I've probably ruined the last good thing I had left.

But just recently, it's felt like I'm some... I don't know, some

passenger in my own life and...

There's this self -destructive maniac at the wheel and bit by bit he keeps

crashing into everything that's ever meant anything to me.

My career, my house, my reputation, and now you.

It's late, Michael.

This was the only relationship that I've ever felt truly happy in.

I love you so much, Stella.

Please don't give up on us.

Because it's all I've got left.

You had sex with another woman, Michael.

There's no coming back from that, is there?

One more chance.

Just... Just one.

And I will never, ever hurt you again, I promise.

We were having such a nice time.

Why do you have to go and ruin it?

I'll do anything, Stella.

Just tell me what I have to do.

What you have to do is leave.

It's over now, Prash.

I'm sorry.

A vote for Auntie Brenda is just like voting for your auntie. Yeah, well,

too short and all that. We could go for a meal.

Dan Braxall, nice to meet you, mate.

Weird. I'll leave you, sir.

We were married for 20 years.

Just because you were jealous of me and Michael.

I feel sorry for you, you pathetic.

Pathetic, am I?