Original subtitles

The coffee to Les Allen.

See him there, Mr. Honey. Never address him directly.

Oh, my God.

I've been collecting my winning.

I won a million quid.

Apparently, that is the next generation of domestic service technology.

I was just going to say that.

Someone paid for all this, didn't they?

No, it's sale or return.

What's this?

Nausea trimmer.

And these?

Glow -in -the -dark combs.

Sal, do you think people will want to buy this kind of stuff?

Some of it looks quite useful.

You got many coming tonight, Dad?

No, not really.

Right, well, leave it to me. I will do a ring round.

Oh.

It's for you, Art.

Bobby Jean Gittins, image consultant, fully qualified, three -week course,

residential. I'm here to make you look great. Spelled G -R, then the number

eight. More dancey.

You're two hours early.

What do you think?

It's the best thing I've ever seen.

I'm trying to help Zoe out.

By annoying me?

She wants to make a bit of extra cash for her and Luke.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, you're not around tonight, are you?

Only she could do with some help setting up her gadget party.

Sure, yeah. I've got nothing better to do.

Aw.

Look, I know it's a little bit low -key at the moment, Fresh.

Most new businesses take a bit of time to get going.

And you know what they say about new doors?

No, what do they say?

Er, well, something...

Really optimistic -like. So, let's imagine I've just said it and now you're

feeling a whole lot better.

Because you're inspiring.

I want a strong, striking colour that really

makes a statement.

What kind of statement exactly?

I don't know. You're the image consultant.

Something that says... I run a business that have recently received a seven

-figure cash injection.

Sit run and drive.

There we are.

All right, good boy. Work your magic. But quick, I've got to meet you with Dai

Davis and our new premises.

New premises?

Purchased without consulting yours truly, if you please. But he's not the

one who can spring a surprise.

I've got a founder full of ideas that'll blow his little squirrel socks off when

he... Morning.

Oh, my God!

Without the milk, I got the new way to clean my room.

The delivery comes at ten, but that's just for fruit and veg. You've got to

up the meat. From George the Butcher of Lennon, yeah, I know.

Little Alan, if you want a lift, you're going to have to check. Come in. And

you're sure about the menu, because I made it cheap and cheerful, like you

asked. Yep, nothing fancy, just good, honest grubs. Steak and chips, egg and

chips. Oh, we don't call it egg and chips, we call it...

O -F avec pomme frites. Avec pomme frites. That's what I said.

All right? Ready there?

Come on. Get off to uni.

It's college.

Yeah, still a degree, though, isn't it? No, it's a part -time catering course.

By the way, I'm so bloody proud of you.

Any time now would be fine.

Oh, what's the vegetarian option?

Right, I'll be in the car trying not to cry.

Veggie options are cheese omelette with an O -F.

And Caesar salad.

Without? Without.

Chicken!

A little of that.

I can cope for one day without you, all right?

Come on.

Ria, Beyonce, please, come in.

I don't want to get no -one in trouble. I just want what's fair like.

Fair would be knocking his cocking block off. Missy, please, don't.

Sorry. It's all right.

Perhaps you could tell me, Beyonce, in your own words, exactly what happened.

I used to work the tills at Lapton in Petalbert.

One day, I noticed the manager staring at me.

Staring all the time.

Staring and, um...

In what way?

In that way that men do.

He asked me out a couple of times.

And I said no.

Then the next day he said he found 50 quid in a bottle of Malibu in my bag.

Bastard! Suck that he did, the bastard!

Like I said, I don't want to get no -one in trouble. Maybe I shouldn't have come

here. No, no, you absolutely should have come. And this sounds very much like

sexual harassment.

Comping cocking stations, eh?

There are no guarantees when it comes to the law.

Oh, she knows that boot. She's had more lawyers than I've had kids. With flash

food poisoning tripping on a cocking curb.

You've made compensation claims before?

Do the poor shit in the woods?

Some of them lawyers in Cardiff won't touch her no more. They've got a photo

them all. Oh, my God, are you mental or something?

What did I say? I said don't go on about it again!

All right, you man!

Oh, so sorry about that, Michael. Where were we?

And death.

Yes, he mouthed.

Will you kindly put some clothes on?

Every morning I had to do Jeet Kune Do, naked at the day I was born.

Sets me up for the day it do. Well, so do my boiled eggs, but I don't have

them with the view of you were full frontal.

A human body is a machine. It needs to be serviced, buffed and oiled.

You're a nurse, not a Nissan.

You either get respectable or you're out of here quicker than you can watch a

call.

Fine. From now on, I'll remain fully clothed in the communal areas of the

But I expect the same of you.

Oh!

Your courage awaits.

Where's my high -flying executive vehicle?

I'm going.

It's Brenna's buses, not Brenna's high -flying executive vehicles.

What would I, David, think if I turn up in that?

You think? You run a bus company.

Don't be smart with me. Wait there. I'll get my Bluetooth.

My uniform's on the radiator.

If you didn't allow the heating on in the rest of the house, I wouldn't have

come down here.

The Rotomax has 30 convenient hooks for ties, belts and other

accessories.

Powered by three AA batteries, it really is... A load of old rubbish.

I'm not going to sell any of it.

Don't worry about it. Send it back.

I've got to try, babe. We need the money.

People are coming round tonight and I've spent a fortune on booze. How much?

50 quid.

Your mum gave me half and you never know, I might make a killing.

Yeah, you never know. Right, some of us have got to work. Hey, do me a favour

and look after Sophie.

I'm busy.

All right, all right.

Do you want to see a video of a monkey picking his bum?

So, Cheryl, she's quite a woman.

Don't you start, good boy. I know how you and mine work.

I guess you are.

I was just inquiring as to whether she is coding at the moment.

I'm about to have the most important business meeting this town have ever

I don't need you talking filth.

Here we go.

Welcome to Di Davis International Car Sales.

Number one for car sales in Ponte Verde and surrounding low -lying areas.

Special deals on this week. Hurry, hurry. Right, David.

The dragon is in the den.

Allergic to feathers.

No way.

Because I am spitting them right now, and you were about to get a mouthful.

You're, uh, angry?

Livid, more like.

You'd need a microscope to see that friend just passed his sign. Well, same

as it always was. It's just my sign that's changed.

Exactly. You can see it was from space.

Which one do you want this day?

Oh, on a wall above my desk.

Right. I got a five -point plan of action here, starting with...

Darth, now, I got big plans for our Luke. If I could stop you there, I've

promoted Luke to senior car lot manager.

Well, it's not really a promotion. It's still commission only.

But with more responsibility.

You never told me you was promoting Luke.

Why should I?

He don't work for Brenda's Buses. He works for Di Davis International Car

Vroom, vroom.

What's international about it, may I ask? He once sold a car to a bloke from

Jersey. Uh, Guernby.

All right.

Moving on to point two.

Expanding our business portfolio. Just a moment, please.

Susan, could you join us, please?

Susan? She's my new assistant.

She'll be looking after my diary, so in future, if you just check with her

before setting up a meeting.

Susan! That's right.

Ah.

You little marvel.

Susan, Brenda, Brenda, Susan.

Come on.

Aren't you a bit old to be stealing sweet?

There's actually a knack to it.

I can show you if you like.

I think I know how to use a fending machine. Thank you.

So I see.

Do not ask me where I learned to do that.

Wasn't going to.

Now, money may be tight and we may be missing a little hour, but that doesn't

mean we can drop our standards.

People have come to expect a certain level of excellence from Le Café de Les

Allens. Yes, Jeff. I want crisp tablecloths, shiny knives and plates so

you could eat your dinner off them.

That was a joke, Nadine.

I've never been very good with jokes.

Hey, here we go.

Action stations.

Good morning and welcome to Le Café de Les Allens. I'll be your waitress this

morning.

Can I get you a drink for yourself while you pursue our menu this morning?

That's a Welsh tap.

Certainly. I'll get that for yourself. No problem this morning. Thank you very

much.

four -point investment plan that's as daring as it is brilliant, starting with

cash injection for Brenda's buses to purchase more vehicles.

No. No.

What do you mean, no?

Am I ashamed talking?

Susan is an executive assistant with a roaming portfolio.

It's not just a coffee I take. It's her advice.

You know, I see myself as the father of a business family.

The car sales, that's my firstborn, my own flesh and blood.

And Brenda's buses is very much a naughty stepchild that you and I look

a loving and financially separate way.

There'll be no sex talk here, David.

Having said that, I would, of course, be delighted to hear of any ideas that you

have for improving my children slash businesses.

A national advertising campaign for Brenda's buses starring the

cast of the popular situation comedy On the Buses.

It's a bit out of date, isn't it? Out of date.

All right.

How about the cast of Howard's Way?

No.

Not a problem at all for yourself today, madam, this morning, thank you.

Chaco!

Two fully salad, two pommie fritters, no tomato in the salad.

Here we go.

You do the chicken, I'll chop the salad.

Yeah, all right.

Careful now, Nadine.

I'm sure you know what you're doing there.

There's one thing being without it allowed, but we couldn't cope if you cut

finger off.

Don't worry, I'll be all right.

I can't look.

I'm terrible with blood.

Your face!

Carl taught me that one.

Brilliant.

Oh,

thank you.

All

right,

Jack. Will you go there?

It's a gift.

Oh, for me.

No, it's for a creature of infinite beauty.

Thanks for that. A woman with the face of an angel and the body of a fox.

You've been using that leaded paint again, Prash.

I'm looking for Cheryl.

You've seen her?

Yeah, she's in there.

Oh, my God. You haven't got a thing for her, have you?

Well, I've got a thing for her, all right.

A crazy little thing called love.

I haven't felt like this in years.

Or months.

Well, look, you'd better take it easy where she's concerned.

I don't think she's the type to respond to big romantic gestures.

I'll call maintenance.

Sheer poetry.

Excuse

me.

Excuse me, we've been waiting nearly half an hour.

Excuse me.

Sorry,

Michael. Put a man down and a hand down at the moment. You may want to come back

later. I only want a cheese and onion sandwich.

I don't know if we've got the ingredients.

Please, just give me two minutes, yeah?

Make yourselves, if you want.

Please, just, uh, what was your order?

Just be clear, you'll still have to pay for that.

Yeah, of course.

You've done this before?

What, made a sandwich?

Yes, I have.

You couldn't do it with a cup of Caesar salad for table two.

What about a stag and hen bath?

much is it going to cost?

12k, give or take.

And where are you getting your art from?

My art?

No, you were paying for this when you were winning.

Oh, so I own 50 % of Brenda's buses, but I have to put in 100 % of the money.

Don't sound fair to me.

Oh, that is it.

I come to you with the best ideas this side of Harvard Business School, and you

quite literally spit on my flip chart.

Come on, calm down. Calm down.

I've a good mind to walk away right now.

I only say to stop you running this business into the ground. I'd happily

today and put my feet up.

Well, maybe you'd better leave then.

Well, maybe I will.

Well, maybe I'll get my checkbook and buy you out.

Mind you don't wake up the moth sleeping in it.

Susan!

Checkbook, please.

This partnership.

It's over.

It's not my fault.

I got these glands, see?

That's why I put on the weight.

And which glands are these?

I don't know. Glands.

Let me tell you what glands do.

Glands produce hormones.

What they don't do...

is make you eat pizzas, curries and deep -fried Mars bars.

That comes from an organ called the brain, which you might want to start

There's mice.

Yes, Mr. Honey.

About earlier, I'm not sure if I... I mean, I probably did, but I don't think

actually said thank you.

You didn't.

In that case, thank you.

You're welcome.

And are you...

Well? Yes.

I'm great.

Well, not exactly great. You know what it's like. We've got exams all the time

and revision.

Well, you probably don't want to hear me go on about that. God, no.

Right.

Onwards and upwards.

What? You think?

Caesar salads.

Why's the bread all crispy?

Those are croutons.

Why's the croutons all crispy?

We've got a customer who wants to know what the specials are.

Specials. Specials.

I can remember this.

No.

Right. Tell him the specials are off.

What about something like Eggs Benedict?

Bit of a speciality of mine. I'm making them for Katie.

Is it fancy?

Because they're right fussy buggers around here.

Just posh bacon and eggs.

Perfect. I could tell him.

Emergency.

Everything all right, sir?

I've got a terrible pain right here in my heart.

What is that?

A dream catcher.

Because you will be forever in my dreams.

I've got a pepper spray in my right sock and I will deploy it.

And what have you got in your left sock? My foot.

Oh, me too.

We've got so much in common.

This is your final warning.

failure to leave the building may result in a serious injury.

Oh, you have no idea how much that turns me on. You have been warned.

Oh, God. Oh, Jan, no.

I told you what she was like.

Come with me.

From now on, we are entering a new chapter.

No more being held up by that woman.

We are going cutting -edge corporate.

Enjoy. Die.

You've earned it, son. You've earned it.

No more being told what I can and cannot do.

I'm my own boss.

My own man.

Do you want hands, Mr. Davis? No, I'm all right.

She held me back, that woman.

But no more.

I can do what I want, when I want.

Mr. Davis, are you sure? I can chew with my mouth open.

I can pick my ears.

I can whistle.

I am free.

What do you think?

It's a bit small.

about being retired?

The freedom.

I can do whatever I damn well like.

No grubby little squirrels getting in my way.

Not actual squirrels, mind.

Lovely, isn't it?

Can you think of anyone you would want to swap lives with right now?

Yes.

This, my friend, is the life.

Living the vida loco.

Have you had your lunch break yet?

No, and I am starving.

I thought we could go to the cafe, but I'm not all supported by them.

Oh, good idea.

Give me a minute, just to sort lover boy out to you.

Oh, that's him.

Cheryl. Oh, a divine beauty with lips like sweet cherries and a smile that

stretches to infinity.

Proper poet upon the berry, you I, Aunt Obeid.

That's it.

You're a genius, Del.

I'll write her a poem.

Oh, you little... David!

I'll be back for that one in a minute.

These are going down a storm.

Table nine wants the word.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm on a train, chef.

I'm only helping out.

Don't tell me, tell him.

It's fine.

OK,

Bobby. First, I'm doing my best.

Secondly, we've been very busy and I don't need you. Please.

My God.

Really? Oh,

the best ex -Benedict I've had in years.

And I've been all over Paris, Rome, Prestatyn.

Very kind of you to say so. The secret is a sprig of tarragon with a dash of

lime. Well, whatever it is, they could win awards.

I don't know if they do award ex -Benedict. But if they did, you'd

win a silver.

Or a bronze.

Not gold?

No.

It's nice and busy.

It's good.

All right.

Good afternoon, and welcome to Le Café de la Valence this afternoon.

Can I recommend for yourself this afternoon trying our special of the day,

Bend Direct, made by our brand new chef.

New chef?

Who's that, then?

Michael?

What are you doing here?

Well, they're a bit short -handed, literally, in Alan's case.

Came in for a sandwich, and I got roped in to help.

Well, look at you, Master Chef.

La specialité de la maison.

Oh.

David.

Table five out.

Right, you are. That man is a lifesaver.

Felt a bit bad missing out on the opening. It's the least I could do.

You're staring at me. That could either be very good or very bad.

That is so lovely of you.

Thank you.

Thank me later.

Oh, talking to you, sir.

You feel all right to help out with the wee thing?

Yeah, cool.

David!

Sorry about that.

I'll leave you to it.

Nadine, Nadine, salad.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, madam.

Brilliant.

Cock and brilliant.

But I have no money.

Well, I think an executive saloon car might be slightly out of your budget.

No, I meant for comic relief.

That's why you're dressed like a cock and knob, is it?

Perhaps it is a bit tight.

Yes.

You said it was perfect before.

Susan, if we're going to work together, you have to tell me the truth.

A man in my position can't afford to look ridiculous.

I mean, it's not just staff we're short of.

It's money.

We're really short on money.

Money is so tight at the moment. Al, I don't want paying. It's fine.

That's a load off.

It's actually quite fun.

Really? Yeah.

Here?

On the house?

Why not?

Yeah.

Do you mind if I give you some advice?

Is it free?

Yes. Keeping your hand elevated is for cuts.

Yeah, I knew that. Just a precautionary thing.

That was for... Sure.

Cheers.

You know, this really is a dream come true for me.

Two of them problems, of course, but I wouldn't swap it for the world.

You always wanted to go into soliciting, then?

Into law, yeah.

Wouldn't call it a dream, though.

So what's the dream?

I don't know.

When I was younger, I wanted to ride across America on a bike.

Easy rider kind of thing.

You ought to go and see Big Gwyn.

Who's Gwyn? A man got a bike shop.

Harley's triumphs a lot. We call him Big Gwyn because he's fought for ten.

Uses his little stool to get up on the bikes. Yeah, just say my name. He'll

you ten percent off.

Don't mention the stool, though. He gets quite funny about that.

No.

I don't actually want a bike.

Not now.

And even if I did...

Al, you really don't have to... Yeah, of course.

Next item on your agenda, Brenda's buses.

Now I'm sole owner, I want, out of the box, blue sky thinking about taking

it to the next level.

What do you think?

I think that's a good idea.

I mean, what suggestions do you have?

Right.

What's the first thing that comes into your head?

Finger. Next thing?

A fudge.

How about changing the name of the company from Brenda's Buses to, uh... Di

Davis's Buses? Yes.

Actually, that's a terrible idea.

Yes.

You're not just agreeing with everything I say, are you?

No. So if I was to say passengers can travel free at weekends, you'd say that

was a good way to go past.

I think you're on a bike.

It's not just a bike. A Triumph Bonneville.

Bit of an impulse buy, but I thought, sod it. You only live once.

I thought you were in the cafe.

Well, things died down a bit, so I left. And I was on my way back, and... Well,

I had such a laugh today, and it was so... I don't know, liberating.

Brought the bike to celebrate.

Right. I'm going to dig out my leathers.

Michael, is this another hole in the wall moment?

No.

I don't think so.

I can't sleep.

I cannot rest.

Are you inebriated? She's so gorgeous without a vest.

Her head is short, but not like a boy.

I'd like to have her as a toy.

I could have you, sir, Trent.

They'd have you sedated quicker than you can say lithium suppository.

Come on, Sherman, give me a chance.

You know what you are?

You're a stuck -up cow.

Look at you, with your face all miserable and your moaning bloody voice.

A couple of glasses of this punch and they'll want to buy everything. You

Dad, what do you look like?

The Fonz. Yeah.

Do you even know who the Fonz is?

One of the Muppets, isn't he?

Wow.

You're not going to help you.

It won't be long. I should take it for a quick spin.

Michael.

You have to do this now.

You don't need me, do you?

No.

This is really important to Zoe.

I'm going for a quick ride. People aren't even here.

Go on, let him play with his toy.

All right.

Thanks, Mum.

First up is something nobody should be without.

It's the revolutionary chin gym.

Ideal for the busy executive woman with a chin.

Oh, was it for donkeys?

No.

I want to get one of them gloves with a beer can in them. Bloody genius.

Don't think I got one of those, but I have got an electric shoe freshener. Oh,

is that suitable for donkeys?

To be honest, I don't think there's much stuff specifically for donkeys.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we all just have a little look and see what takes our fancy, is there?

Yeah.

Punch. And help yourself to more rum punch.

Hello, Catanova. How did it go?

It started with desires Sweet soft kiss It

started with desires Sweet soft kiss

And it ended in an alley with my face against the fill.

Oh, so I sold you away.

Oh, the horror.

The horror.

What actually happened?

You don't want to know.

I'll wash, but I'll never be clean.

Oh, speaking of clean, do you want a waterproof shower radio in the shape of

shark? Will it take away the pain?

Definitely. All right.

Zoe! Customer coming through.

All right, Dash.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, you know me. Always keen to support new business ventures. Especially now

you're a millionaire.

But that cash is burning a hole in your pocket.

No, not really. I'm just here to browse.

That's actually your... Any of you ask for a mover? I've got two of them.

Is Aunty Brenda coming?

Hey, Mr. Lawyer.

Beyoncé.

Nice outfit.

I know, I know. The Fonz.

Never mind.

Makes you look... younger.

Really?

Is that an insult or a compliment?

You decide.

It's brilliant.

Right, I'm on with one. Thank you.

Oh, splendid.

Yes, I very much agree.

Yes, of course it'll be the top table. Just a little foundry that I'm putting

together.

Yes, that's settled. And thanks for being the celebrity guest.

Goodbye then, Cilla Black.

I'm impressed.

Well, I like to do my bit.

I mean, it's quite hard to talk on a Bluetooth when it's not switched on.

Battery must have just run out. You wouldn't understand.

Anyway, Di David, how's business with you? Oh, flat out, 24 -7.

I only left this morning.

I lost all track of time, it's been that productive.

Well, as you're so busy, you best get back to it.

Sorry, I must have lost track of time. I've been worried about you. I thought

you'd crashed or something.

I was just enjoying the freedom.

Of the bike.

I should have called.

Yeah, you should.

Hey, still.

Still. This is immense.

I bought three.

That's really beautiful, Carl.

I'm going to get changed.

Do you want to go?

Look, we both said some things today that we probably regret.

I don't regret a thing.

This has been the best day of my life.

But it's not too late.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry if you are.

Things not working out with Susan, are they?

I'm only thinking of you.

I know you love Brenda's buses.

And what else are you going to do with your days?

What else am I going to do? Let's be honest. You're going to sit around.

Bored out your brain, staring at the wall, wishing you had someone to take

notice of you.

Why don't we bury the hatchet and apologise, hmm?

Come on.

On three, we'll say I'm sorry.

One, two, three.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

But you're a pompous little squirrel with ridiculous teeth.

This is the ultimate mission spy pen.

You say a message into you.

Okay, yay.

Okay, yay.

Then you play it back.

Okay, yay.

Okay, yay.

And then it disappears.

Message deleted.

So it only plays the message once, see? Yes, yes.

Brilliant. Yes.

One for you, Nadine?

No. Right, who wants a drink?

Michael's mojitos.

Special recipe?

Bring it on, bud.

Hey, that fellow of yours is a bloody hero, you know. So you keep telling me.

Natural. My little Alan.

It's going to be great having her around the next couple of weeks.

Help it out.

Couple of weeks?

I thought it was a one -off. No, just if my hand gets better.

Two weeks, three at the most.

Call her a month.

We're off, no snow.

Back to the loft.

Right. Let's get them ready. That's where they go.

Tighten it.

Yeah, I'll see you out.

So I spoke to Alan.

He said you were brilliant today.

I told him because I was.

And that you were going to be working at the cafe for the next few weeks.

Yeah, um, about that. Look, I love Alan to death and I'd always help him out,

but you're a qualified solicitor.

Why do you want to work in a cafe in Ponderberry?

Because it was fun, all right?

I'm sorry, I don't want to sound melodramatic, but it's the first time

enjoyed myself for ages.

Oh. I didn't mean it like that, work -wise.

I've been a lawyer for 20 years and... I don't know, working in the cafe today

made me realise how bored I am. I just wanted a break from it.

Cafe's like a holiday.

With Nadine.

Yeah, well, you can't have everything.

If you're worried about money... It's not the money, it's just...

Right, Prash.

I'm fine.

Really.

So this is just for a couple of weeks, and then you'll go back to your proper

job, is that it? Yeah, of course.

I know I should have said something, and maybe it's a hangover from Jan. She

never stopped nagging.

I guess I was just worried we'd end up having a row.

Michael, I'm not Jan.

I know.

You're much sexier.

Shall I get the leather jacket?

Go on, then.

How about it?

Pack your stuff and get out, you sacks!

You hate me now, don't you?

I assure you, I don't.

Let's see what else I can find, is there?

So what about you then, Gorgeous?

Any confessions?

What? No, nothing.