Original subtitles

I think I'm falling in love with you.

I've already fallen.

Alan, I think you're lovely.

There's a new vending machine in that cabin, full of easily accessible stuff.

Get down!

You shouldn't have run, mate.

Stella Morris.

Oh, I'm in time. Come on.

Nim.

You just said it.

35, please.

Stella.

Second, Nim. Oh, this is ridiculous. You see me in Asger every Saturday. You

used to go out to dine.

Dine day, this all. Dine cot.

Give me some credit, will you?

Look, am I going to see my son or what?

You've been waiting your ages.

She's nearly full term. Nine months I am. She's ashamed of the amount of

you've brought on her.

I've got a good mind to sue you. And don't ever expect me to say hello to you

again in the fruit and veg section. Ever, ever again.

You got it?

Impressive. Look, you won't be detaining him any longer. Our questions have all

been answered. For now.

Ma?

He's all yours.

Thanks, Jane.

Jane.

All right.

Blimey me.

Oh, come here, Trash.

Now, what the hell do you think you were playing at?

You said you were going to run.

At least you didn't just spend the night in the cell.

Yeah, but he is. Yeah, but he is.

Sorry,

sorry.

Right, don't go over the car lot.

That's all right with you.

All I'm saying is, That he left an ex -car thief in charge of a load

of cars, and the next day they were all gone.

Now, you don't have to be cocky in Colombo to work that one out, do you?

But can we know for definite that Luke was left in charge? Guy Davis told Brian

the ref in a rugby meeting last night, and his missus told Myrtle Evans when

was having her roots done this morning.

So it's definitely fact.

Take them both, please, Pa.

So water's run deep, eh?

You are. Well, you always seem like the silent type to me.

Who would have thought there was all that danger lurking inside of him?

You ought to go nowhere near that boy. Do you understand, young lady?

That family is in enough trouble as it is. The Lord knows they ask for it. What

family?

You're still right to have him today, Tan.

Yes, of course.

He looks more like our Sunil every day.

My brother's a good boy, you know.

He wouldn't risk going inside again.

And shame on anyone who thinks he would.

You better do, don't you? Absolutely.

Oh, I hope so.

Is that my Luke?

Is he all right? Have you gone to prison? No, he's gone to work.

You're not pressing any charges?

Oh, thank God for that.

What have you got in there?

It's for today, isn't it?

See you.

Nothing. I mean, to Nick, one is a bloody liberty.

But to take them all, it's just taking the piss.

There must have been more than one. A gang, I'd say.

A gang with a bit of inside help, perhaps.

What are you suggesting, diva diva? Well, a bit of a coincidence that Luke

forgot to take the keys home, don't you think? Leave them out for all in sundry.

And you know the story about the leopard and his spots?

Yes, and I also know the story about the tiger who came to tea and that's a load

of baloney and all.

Sorry I'm late.

Been, uh, helping with police inquiries.

Good boy. That's how I look. He's a good boy.

Di, I, you know, really sorry about what happened.

What a prat.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta go.

I've been asked on the station.

Give my version of events.

Your version?

If you weren't even here.

Debbie wanted to ask me about you, I should imagine, son.

Why?

You don't think I had anything to do with it, do you?

Die.

This is just asking for trouble.

She's gone to Cardiff. She's going to be ours.

I know, but it's still too risky.

I miss you, Marcus.

I miss you too.

We spend as much time in here as on the shop floor. And believe me, Colette's

not as thick as Amy.

Oh, I hate all this hiding away.

We can't be seen together. Not yet.

Let's go to my house.

No, we can't. Meet me there in an hour.

You're back early.

I've been sacked.

Facts. You're joking.

As long as the police are conducting their inquiries, is what he said.

Oh, they're a little sick.

It's obvious you were nothing to do with you. How could it be?

Christ's sake, it was me who left the keys behind, wasn't it?

Di reckons I did it on purpose and tipped them off.

Oh, you wouldn't do something like that.

Do you?

Thanks, ma 'am. No, I... Thanks a lot. Oh, it came out wrong.

Where are you going?

I'll take a dog for a walk if that's all right. Or are you worried I'll steal

him and all?

Come on, Banjo.

Out of the way, man.

Oh, sorry.

Great, what are you doing home?

Oh, I had a sneeze then. I've shivered all over.

Oh, let me feel your head.

Oh, you're all right.

Listen, will you go and get me some lamb soup at the hospital?

Yeah, OK.

But you know I'm not back till after lunch.

Yeah, it's OK.

I'll keep her off.

Well, keep warm.

I will.

There you go.

Can I do that again?

If you want.

There you go.

Loony.

Sorry about the shirt.

I don't often have women to stay.

I should hope not.

That's odd for a person.

Go away.

I'll say what I gotta say, and then I'll go.

It's ma 'am. She's dead. I'll be in touch about the funeral.

What?

Go and jump up on me like that, will you? You're coming back after school.

haven't been in yonks. I thought we could have a crack at battlefield four.

I can make you some tea if you like.

I'll go and arrest you. I'll have to let you know.

I've got a lot on at the moment.

Forget it.

All right?

Not really.

I've got a bag full of stolen shit on my shoulder.

Perfect. Plug it in the lunch break.

Oh, and my brother spent the night in a police car for doing absolutely nothing.

Not that that bothers you.

He hasn't been charged. What's the problem?

Everyone's pointing the finger at him.

Look, when I found my mother, we saw what happened.

While we were robbing the machine.

Think about it, Ben.

Just get rid of the stuff, yeah?

Come on, drink your cup.

Nice and sweet.

Honestly,

my brother seems...

2002.

And he called Alan as well?

Can't do tradition.

Only thing is, though, I hadn't seen my mother for two whole years.

Oh, I'm so sorry, love.

Alan was always a favourite, see?

She worshipped the ground we walked on, but me... I don't know.

She never seemed to let me in.

Hey, come on now.

Some people just find it difficult to show their emotions, that's all.

I mean, she literally never let me in.

I knocked on the door for hours last Mother's Day.

Nothing.

I'd leave the tulips on the doorstep.

Mind you, I heard she had difficulty getting to the door towards the end, so

can take some comfort in that.

Difficulty?

Last time I saw her, she was 38 still.

I hadn't left the house since Charles and Camilla got married, and I was just

get some cranberries for more sandwiches.

Bless her.

So, you and brother, Alan, why have you not broken up at all?

My dog.

He knocked him over in his car.

You'll never admit to being intentional.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

I know.

Well, it's time to put your differences behind you now.

You've got a funeral to organise.

I can't do your mother proud.

We've been looking all over for you.

It's Bandrew's fault.

He went to the picnic.

Your mum don't believe you were involved with them, Carl.

You do know that, don't you?

Yeah.

It's just, if Di thinks the worst of me, then what's every other fucker going to

think? Oh, let him gossip, Luke.

You can't control what anybody else says about you, OK?

What's important is I know you're a good person.

And Jack does.

And so does your man.

And so does Banjo.

My dad used to say to me, and I always remember it, don't worry about what

people say, because those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't

matter.

Throw those cans away.

Let's go have a nice cup of tea.

B -N -0 -6 -Y -H -X.

Eight years, yeah.

Then there was the Chrysler.

H -N -1 -2 -C.

W -F.

W -F.

Excuse me a sec.

Can you not do that right now? I'm trying to sort out the car insurance.

Crime waits for no man die.

If I'm going to clear this loop mess up, I've got to get on.

Sorry, I'll have to call you back.

What exactly are you trying to do?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

I'm just in for fingerprints.

That takes years of cleaning with specialist forensic powder and very fine

brushes.

Powders, powders and brushes and brushes die.

Well, I thank you to put those on. You were greasy palms that contaminated my

watch, Carl.

I don't believe it.

They've pimped my puffs. They've what, you puffs?

They've nipped them whole of cans and everything. Didn't you notice this was

empty, Miss Marple?

Well, of course I did. I just thought you'd scoffed them all. I know how you

eat when you're stressed. I've seen you with your nuts.

Yeah, but 30 packets of cheesy puffs, I don't think so. Right, so we're looking

for someone who likes cars and enjoys a snack.

Now, David, what's this about you giving our Lucas that?

I don't... It's appalling, isn't it, still?

We're up to innocent until proven what you call it, you know? Of all the years

you've known our family...

You're ashamed of yourself.

Really ashamed.

What about when you were Doris, was it? With her chest, do you remember? Luke

used to run the ironing up for her and sort the garden out. I was only young, I

know. Well, you need to now. And I'll leave you. You turned your back on him.

Shame on you.

Dick, got them.

I just want to say... Hi there, dinner.

Him off.

And my daughter had got a cold.

about my mother too.

Petty and inappropriate considering our relationship.

Our relationship notwithstanding.

Notwithstanding? What's the bloody benefit? A lift share is a lift share.

can you claim for this?

I'm a senior partner.

And I bring you to work. And I manage the expenses. So I'm asking how...

is unbelievable.

You're anal. You're anal.

You're anal. You're anal. You're anal. You're anal. You're anal. You're the

anal.

Last time I looked, this was a legal practice, not a school playground.

A healthy debate of what keeps this practice alive and operative.

Right, we'll just take these and... I gather your

girlfriend's son was in trouble with the police last night.

It was just a misunderstanding.

Never a dull moment with that family, is there?

I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.

Hiya.

Can you go along for lunch?

Could do, yeah. I've got to take these back.

I've just had a Barneywood idea with them in the right proper stop.

I'll make you a sandwich.

Sounds lovely. Just get my keys.

And, of course, the... and pine are very popular.

Tea. I told you, you're not needed here.

Then the matter of the handles.

There's brass.

Silver brass. Silver.

How do you know these things? I haven't seen her for years.

I know my mother.

She wouldn't be seeing dead near brass.

She's gonna be.

How can you be so tasteless? Me?

Tasteless?

Look at your shirt.

Thank you, Daddy.

You always were the one person around here who spoke any sense.

And do you know if Mrs Williams wants the cremation?

Absolutely.

Burial, then? No way.

No way.

Let's all just keep calm and we'll talk this through quietly.

Getting angry won't solve anything.

What did Mrs Williams say?

I loved our mammy, Daddy. I know what she wanted.

I loved her too. Rubbish. The only thing you ever loved was chef. Stupid dog.

How dare you even mention his name in my presence?

You canine killer!

You're off your head, man. That dog was like a father to me, and you went and

killed him.

I did not kill your dog.

Why didn't I? If everyone knows, you'd run over him with your car. I did not.

You murdered him out of spite. I wasn't even in my car. It was mine. You

couldn't drive. It's not your name!

Mum sat on him.

Oh.

He never stood a chance.

She didn't know about it for two days.

So I said I'd run him over to make it easier for you.

Easier to accept, like.

Cup of tea, anyone?

A slice of angel cake?

No.

I'm leaving now.

This conversation is over.

I'll be in touch.

And you very firmly put him in his place?

Absolutely.

Don't be messy with my boy.

You make a brilliant defence lawyer, you know. Oh,

my God.

What? Belle?

You. Out.

Emma, don't stay up.

What, I miss another chapter in the lives of my wayward children?

No, just try to keep things introspective.

Obviously, I wish you had had a seat. Right, shut up and listen to me. This

stops right now. She's 19.

You are married.

It can only end one way, very, very badly. I know what you must be thinking,

the truth is, I love her.

No, you don't. It's a bloody ego trip, man. What, a gorgeous young woman like

Emma fawning all over you, telling you you're amazing?

Don't call that love. It's embarrassing.

Right, you're unbelievable. Do you know that?

You think you've got some God -given right to go around telling people how to

live their lives? Emma, Emma, I think you should calm down. Well, I'm sick of

it. No, I won't stay out of it. And actually, Marcus, I think you should

now. This is none of your business, mate. Don't talk to him like that. Who

you think you are? Oh, look out. The great Stella Morris has spoken.

You think you're so wise, don't you, ma 'am, and clever and sorted, but you know

you're a mess.

You couldn't keep a man if you tried. Emma, Emma, don't talk to your mother

that. With Dad, with Rob, with Sean, they've all pissed off abroad.

He'll be buying his plane ticket next.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

I fucking hate you.

No, you don't, sweetheart.

Do you hate the fact he's married?

I'm sorry.

Get out of my house.

Oh, hello?

Yeah.

Oh, you're joking me.

Right, I'll be there now.

Well, the day just gets even better.

Ben has been suspended for selling stolen goods.

OK,

I'm putting you on speakerphone and I'll confirm it all with Big Al.

So, we are agreed on Pete.

Yeah.

Bobby G to Daddy Boy.

Did you get that? Over.

Ready to move on.

Six things.

Silver. Brass -plated. She hated silver.

We'll give you brass plated if you agree to flowers.

So where's the money?

I'd rather it went to charity.

It's got to be flowers.

Mum loved flowers.

All right, have your stupid flowers!

Can we please move on to the contentious subject of burial or cremation?

Cremation.

All right,

we got that, Daddy.

What do you say, Al?

Go for the burial?

Just give in to him and we're all done.

Your mum can be laid to rest.

It's a yes.

Bingo! We have closure.

We are now ready to take your mother out, Mr Williams.

OK.

Lord, order.

Lord, order.

Well, that was embarrassing.

50 cans of pop and 40 packets of crisp.

Can you believe it?

Jesus, Ben, where did you get it all from?

No comment.

Oi, smart -ass, that's enough.

Say sorry.

No. What?

And you tell me what to do all the time. You do my editing.

Oi. Then you will not so much as smell fresh air until you learn some manners,

good boy, and that's a promise. No Game Boys, no Xboxes, no DVDs, no laptops, no

Facebooking or whatever else it is you do in that hovel of yours.

I hate you.

Steve himself.

He needs time to cool down.

Are you really glad you took me on now, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Come here.

This is my widest.

Want to have a seat to come out? Touch nothing, please!

This is still a crime scene.

And why far do you want him to come out? Do you want people to stand?

Oh, make a trombone.

Come again?

He said.

Nobody said.

But what does he mean by our passenger won't be standing?

This is to be Alan Williams' mother's final chariot.

I'm afraid the earth is just too small.

I hear Alan.

After Di Davis, I am. Aren't we all?

Sorry? He's in there, love.

Wallowing in his pit.

I'm so sorry for your loss, son. If there's anything I can do, anything.

Actually, I've come to ask you a big favour.

Will you be a coffin bearer for my mother?

Me?

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

It was ma 'am's only request, according to my brother. Just you and George the

butcher. Just us?

Well, me and my brother, of course.

But she was huge. Eh?

Popular.

You sure she wouldn't want more bearers? Six, eight, ten even.

The more, the merrier, I'd say.

No. She was very specific.

Just you and George.

Means a lot.

See you at Slimming.

Katie.

What are you doing here?

I've been suspended.

And I've had a massive bow in my mouth.

She was a real character, you were a man, weren't she?

I'm ever so sorry, Al.

Thanks. Funeral's Monday.

Well done.

You've stayed the same.

Alan Williams.

Look, Belle.

You and me are not talking.

Just trying to say from my point of view, Lucas... Go away, little man.

You've done enough damage to this family.

That's three pounds.

Yes. On.

Disgusting.

Sorry, I've had a bad week. You see, my brother turned up and I haven't seen him

for years.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Obesity leads to an early death, Alan.

Have anyone ever told you that?

Yes.

He knows it better than anyone.

Stay out of it, please.

This is about Alan, not you.

You comfort yourself with food when you're sad and you reward yourself with

when you're happy.

Basically, when don't you eat, Alan?

Sorry. Alan, tell her.

The thing is, you see... His mother died this week, all right?

Yeah, didn't you know?

No, I didn't.

And she was a 30 -stoner.

30. In the end, wasn't she, Al?

She was huge.

You're right.

You know, the last thing you want to hear is about obesity and how it killed

you.

I didn't think.

Alan, I'm really sorry.

It's OK.

No, but it's not, is it?

I mean...

What sort of person am I that I could be so insensitive?

I stand up here, week after week, telling you to do this, not to do that.

Well, I got no right.

Because I'm a secret bloody eater!

Last week I bought six cream slices and a chocolate tart, family size, went to

the car wash and ate them in the car.

Just sitting there I was.

Cramming them in.

Oh, I've done that.

Have you?

I'm just a float.

A float and a freak.

And a fatty in a sick person's body.

Oh, God!

Right, tell you what. I'm going to be trying to come back to mine for a curry.

How do you manage it?

What?

All the time I've known you, you never once argue with your parents.

And it's not fate.

Because you do all the same shit as me.

That's because my mum never even notices me.

Or anything I do.

Because she's too wrapped up in Andy the wanker.

What about your dad?

I really miss him.

Do you mind him going out with my mum?

Not really, she's nice.

I've got to get back.

Look, just go home and say sorry. They can't spend you forever.

We'll have the poppadoms and dips for you if I'm keeping this lot warm.

Good idea.

Anyway, all I can say is I'm sorry.

Don't be ridiculous.

I know, but I can never show my face in a blubberbusters class again.

Is that the end of the world?

It's a terrible diet. Anyway, I never loved a dance.

Oh, that'll be Michael.

You sure you don't mind him coming?

As long as he bought the beers.

Well, it worked for me.

And I kept it off.

Here he is.

Hiya. Did you get some cold ones?

Yay!

I suppose at the end of the day there's bigger problems in life.

Yeah.

Like the fact my eldest son is suspected of car theft. My daughter is...

Behaving rather foolishly. And my youngest son has been suspended.

Maybe your mother's not dead.

Yeah.

What was your mother's name, Anne?

Anita.

An overblood eater.

Right, well, here's to an eater.

An eater.

Go, go, go.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Is there anything?

Yeah, all right.

There was no need to.

They're not for you, Doc.

Hmm.

Why aren't you in school, anyway?

Bonked off.

Solidarity and all that.

Right there.

See you later.

What?

Where are these from?

You gotta guard your heart.

And if that biscuit hadn't got caught in her throat, she'd be near today.

Which is why, rest assured, I will be throwing down manufacturers once my

mother's laid to rest.

Amen.

Yes.

Thank you for that, Alan.

And now we're going to have a song.

sung by Alan.

A song he has especially composed for his mother today.

In the dark and dirty night

I'd cry and she would hold me

If I ever had a fright

She'd never ever scold me

Her love was shining bright

Loving man, oh my man, my earth,

my air, my dark, my light, you were light,

you were light.

Sorry about all this, you know. I feel bad you take all the blame.

Well, there's no point both of us being in the car, is there?

Now there's happy sight.

Couple of lovebirds mitching off school.

Nice. Fuck off, Lenny. Oh, feisty like his brother. I like it.

You'll miss him when he goes back inside.

They haven't charged him, right?

They will. Only a matter of time. All roads lead to our Lukey boy.

Eh?

Never mind. At least I'll be getting my son back.

Say thanks for me when you see him.

Ben!

Do you know, this childcare malarkey is a fascinating subject.

It says in here that there is a 70 % chance that your jacks wandering fingers

are more contaminated than a public toilet seat.

That'll be 60 pence, please. What a load of nonsense.

Yeah, I'll get it.

No, thanks.

Say goodbye and daddy.

We don't want anything from you.

What, can't a father buy his son some sweets now?

Get out of my way.

Mammy's not very friendly today, is she, Jack?

I said, get out of my way.

Oi, you heard her. She told you to move.

So feet, door and feck off.

Oh, but I do love a bad boy, though.

Are you single?

You all right?

What do you think?

I just want to say I thought you spoke very well in the church.

Thank you.

It's a pity your song brought shame to the whole family.

I've dropped an orange branch there.

Olive. Right.

Are you going to introduce me?

Oh, this is my brother, Alan. Alan, this is Celia.

My, um... Girlfriend.

I'm his girlfriend.

Brave girl.

Point is, I'm just trying to let bygones be bygones.

I know what you're trying to do here, so save your breath.

I think.

Oh, please don't act simpler than you really are.

Mam's will.

She's left everything to me.

Everything? Yeah.

You're nothing.

And you're certainly not with him for his looks, so you'll be disappointed.

you'll be nothing either, sweetheart.

So you and a sordid little money grabber can stop wasting your time.

Listen to me.

You have done nothing but put me down and walk over me all your life, and

on you for that.

But don't you ever, ever insult my partner again, do you understand?

I don't want your money, and I don't want your life.

I've got everything I want.

So you'd better apologize to her now before you close the scene.

There will be one.

I'm sorry.

Partner?

Sorry, I didn't... No.

I like it.

Mum.

Mum. What are you doing here?

Katie. It wasn't Luke who stole the car.

It was Lenny Mark.

What?

I know you're trying to help your brother, Ben, but you need proof before

start making those kind of accusations.

Just press play.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm bloody sure. I know what labour feels like.

Oh, holy corolli. Where the hell is Tanisha when I need her?

Zoe's having a baby. Yeah, we know.

I was one of the first to congratulate her. I said to Luke at the time, it

be long before she... No!

Shut up, Rick.

Relax, Bibbs.

I deliver three gourds in an arm with nothing but my bare hands and a bowl of

string. Right water. Get plenty of hot water and lots of fresh towels. What the

feck do you think we are, a little house in the prairie?

Hospital. Get me to the hospital now.

Got you.

What do you

say about that, Pontius bloody Pilate?

Sorry, everyone.

Sorry, Luke.

Do you see what you've done?

Sorry's not good enough, good boy. Now take this and get down that police

station.

Sharpish!

So what were you doing there? Sewing?

Nothing. What do you mean, nothing?

Katie? I can't hear you, Trash. What is it?

It's the baby cell. It's coming now.

And I can't get hold of Luke.

His thorn must be on.

Nice, Deantor. Take it easy, will you?

Black!

I got the string!

I won, Luke.

You know Luke could have gone to prison.

I'm sorry, Dad. Save it, Katie.

You have no idea how disappointed I am in you.

I told her to leave us alone.

Look.

Look. Get in the car. You're about to become a dad.

Come on, babe. You can do it.

How did you know where to find me?

You're such a wild guess.

What if you had a knife or something?

Someone help me, please. You're doing well.

Hush on the pain now.

I can see the edge.

Deep breath.

I can't.

Yes, you can.

My life.

Seeing a child being born.

You haven't been born yet, babe.

I mean, I thought the goats were amazing.

But this is a baby, babes.

A miracle of a life.

It's a girl.

Give us five minutes, is it?

Here she is.

Where's my mum?

She's on her way to class.

With Jack.

Don't worry.

Your Aunty Brenda's here.

Are you really my Aunty Brenda?

And everyone's auntie Brenda.

Well, say hello.

This is you and your family.

Emma, you're fired. No pay and no references.

Now get out.

Get in the car! There's no need to shout!

You want to wage war, do you, Auntie Brenda?

Bring it on!

Sweetheart, listen to me.

It's Katie.