Original subtitles

I forgot the roughly. You idiot.

He's winding you up.

Sorry? You've done an auction of promises instead.

You could just get him to take us both back to yours.

What? I don't want to stop what I'm doing.

Me neither. I love you, Marcus.

I love you.

I'll do this.

about beans on foot breakfast.

Is it the toast? Is it the butter?

Or is it the beans? I think it's the combination.

Or the chef.

I've got to go.

Shall I call you a cab?

Oh, I say that every morning.

Oh, my God, I'm touching your face.

Sorry? We just slept together.

Exactly.

People can sleep together and not particularly like each other.

I'm face -touching.

That's serious, that is.

That's married death.

What?

You've gone white.

No, impossible. I'm half Syrian.

I didn't know you were half Syrian. Yeah, on my mum's side.

Well, well.

What did you do to your dad from her?

Overempting.

Nice.

Sleepover again tomorrow?

Erm, yeah.

All right, then.

Lovely morning for a date, then.

Oh, yes.

Shaman.

And hello to you, too.

Ben?

You got a pass, girl?

Bank.

What's wrong with him?

We don't recognise you, ma 'am. It's been so long. Oh, shut up. Wow, we miss

you, Ma.

Don't ever see you no more since you kind of found yourself a gentleman

Wow, D &G.

That was close.

I reckon my mum's getting suspicious.

Wow, these look so genuine.

Got to give it to Kicker, he knows the stuff.

Maybe we should lie low for a while.

We're not on a cowboy film, Ben.

Look, don't be such a chicken.

These will sell really well, I promise you.

Tea in the pot?

every night? Yes, you do. You're obviously serious about him.

So, is it luck or is it love?

What? I don't know.

Go on, what do you like about him?

Okay, well, he's lovely looking.

And?

He's got nice hands.

And? And the sex is gorgeous.

Oh, so basically luck, then.

Oh, leave her alone.

It's more than just sex, isn't it? Right?

Well,

You enjoy each other's company.

And he understands you, doesn't he? Like no one else does.

Um, well... You share things together.

Oh, my God, no, we don't.

What? Well, Luke's right.

All we do is sleep together. I barely know the bloke.

Mum, he lives next door. What's that?

I am having sex with a man. I don't even know his middle name.

Well, get to know him, then.

Yeah, take him out for a meal or something.

There's a new Japanese down Cardiff. Marcus always talks about.

The chef tossed things in the air, like prawns and that, and then they set fire

to them.

He's going to take me there one night.

Oh, that'll be drag.

Why would Margaret take you for a meal in Cardiff?

Well, not just me.

I mean, the girls like, you know, the shop.

Would you get us buggy, ma 'am?

Yeah.

No!

Come and have a crack with your own auntie Parvati.

expecting you?

Well, I'm giving Uncle Jag a break.

What's his name again?

Abra.

They're drinking some fresh nappies in the bag.

What? Does it still wear nappy?

What?

And they go on the bottom end.

Oh, right. Give him back, yeah?

I'll leave back to what you sell.

Right.

You be a good boy now, Abs.

What's he doing here?

Morning. Nice day.

Great day.

Give me the name.

Matthew. Why?

Nothing.

Good God!

Can't you leave the woman alone for five minutes? You're like a sex -trayed

lunatic, man!

You may as well know, parody, them two were there to be active for at least a

fourth night.

Absolutely shameless. Like a pair of filthy woodlice.

Look to your own good, girl.

Your Vivian Yanta are at it nightly in by there. Like stray cats and what's

-names. The right proper racket.

Got to turn up the cock and telly just to drown out the bastard whaling.

Pressed. Spoken like a pot of beer in it, eh, bud?

Thanks, bud.

Been, uh, cracking the lingo?

He's virtually one of us still.

Yeah, good strong roots, wonderfully glossy.

What's your secret?

Well, I get all my shampoo from an expert store.

Really?

He's an award -winning hairdresser.

Lucky you.

What's he like?

Well,

he's strong and he's tall and he's proper thick.

Lucky him.

And he loves me.

Very much.

Marcus?

Marcus, are you in there?

What are you, Santa?

Coming.

Stop freaking me out. Come in, Collette. I've just got a towel.

You're back.

What are you doing at home this time of day?

An accident at the salon. A ton of late time over me.

God, I missed you.

I should go away more often.

I'm on.

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low.

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

Only know your lover when you let her go.

Oh, God.

I really enjoyed that.

Especially making them handprints.

Yeah, though I don't really think it's meant for the adults.

Oh, yikes.

We've got a dash. Got a big afternoon of sporting activities ahead of us. Oh,

lovely. They say it's good to encourage them at an early age.

What are you going to do then?

Watching golf.

On the telly.

See you.

What is it?

Nothing. You've heard of new, about me and Michael Jackson?

No doubt Auntie Brenda have been breading it round the berry, like cheap

Well, she did mention it, but it's not that... How many times have we got to go

through this, Al? You and me are just good friends, that's all.

I mean, it's early days with me and Michael.

What if he gets to know me and he don't like me?

What if he... I don't mind about what you did.

It's about what I didn't.

Right.

Well, I'm glad we cleared that one up.

Didn't what?

I haven't seen Celia since the gala thingy.

She wanted to come back here that night and I... I bottled it.

You said no.

Well, would you sleep with someone after one night at a gala dinner and a

karaoke?

Sorry.

The thing is, she hasn't texted me back since then.

She's a woman, Prash.

You don't take rejection very well.

Yeah, but look at me.

Well, they had it all asleep with me.

Well, she does, obviously.

Look, get your rump off that piano stool, get down that cave home and start

explaining yourself.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on.

Life's too bloody short.

can obviously afford it. Teaser for them.

If rehab weren't so expensive, Tony the Tramp would go. Could he get through ten

cans a day in the top -best shelter?

Have you smelt him lately?

Emma?

Emma?

God, you turn up late and you haven't listened to a word I've said. What's the

matter with you?

Hey, look who's back.

Hello, everyone.

Are you Claire?

Oh, lovely colour.

Where have you been again?

Every time I go, I tell you. Ireland.

I know, but you never tell me which one.

I love Corfu myself.

How are you, Emma?

Fine, thanks. You?

Excellent, as it happens.

Great to be back.

That's good.

Be in love and get us a cup of coffee, will you?

That's all right, I'll do. No, you won't.

I want you to myself for a while.

It's OK, I'll get it.

You raised over £10 ,000 at the galley. You'll be pleased to hear.

Oh, congratulations.

Great evening.

And the way your girlfriend saved the day with all that begging.

Obviously not afraid to ask for a handout, that one.

Well done. Five seconds before the knife came out.

She is your girlfriend, though, right?

Zee Park can be calling by after that. Yes, that is my girlfriend. Problem?

Yes, actually.

I don't like her son hanging out with our daughter.

Yeah, we're pretty worried, Mike.

Katie's a sensitive girl, and we reckon this Ben Morris character's a bad

influence. Sorry, since when did the welfare of our daughter have anything to

with you?

I care a lot, actually. I'm certainly not going to shy away from family

It's not your family to shy away from.

Oh, what's the point?

Jan, you know where I am if you need me.

I'm telling you, that boy's no good.

Well, you're the one who ran off with him.

Look... Just because you've chosen to shack up with a bit of Valley's rough

doesn't mean Katie has to be dragged into the gutter with you.

Ben Morris is a good lad, and his mother is not a bit of Valley's rough.

More of a woman than you'll ever be, and I'm bloody glad I met her.

Hiya.

Hi.

Nine. Alan Williams.

And? I'd like to see Celia, please.

Celia who?

Braxton. Nine.

Alan. Alan Braxton. Williams.

William Braxton. Oh, dear God.

Name? Stop taunting your locals, Dorothy.

I know exactly who you are.

Pervert.

What do you want, Alan?

Um, it's about the garlet thing. I... I just want to explain why... Why you

abandoned me? Took your time, didn't you?

But, no, the thing is... What?

Um, well, I just don't... I don't feel, um, very confident.

Have you not had sex before, then?

Go for it. Well, perhaps you don't find me attractive.

Celia, you are beautiful.

It's just me, I... I'm hardly Brad Pitt.

My ex -wife, she used to go on and on about me being overweight, and believe

in the end, it wears you down.

If you're expecting sympathy, you've come to the wrong place.

Sorry? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to put myself

like that? I know. I tell you something, Alan.

There's a lot worse things in life than being a few pounds overweight.

A lot worse.

So why don't you get off the pity pot and give yourself a reality check

you took only half of it, mate.

Oi! I've got a full house and we're fleecing them.

Get back in it.

I'll tell you what I've got to say and then I'll go.

Do you know what my favourite colour is?

Purple. Or where I went on holiday as a kid.

Or that when I was six I broke my wrist in a fight with Rebecca Johnson over a

fireman's jacket.

Fireman's jacket? And my dad was too drunk to take me to A &E because he'd

to the horses.

Or that every Christmas I'd get an Etch -a -Sketch.

And my favourite season is autumn.

Oh, is it?

And I love bonfires.

And hate the shape of honeycomb.

And big butterflies freak me out.

Me too.

Not as much as a moth. In short, what I'm trying to say is, will you come for

dinner with me tomorrow night?

Yeah, of course.

I don't follow your logic.

Oh, Michael, we've done everything the wrong way round, Pratt. Have we?

We shag each other every night, but I don't know when your birthday is. I

mind.

So I've decided, as of today, I am putting an embargo on theft.

What?

None at all? No.

No. Not until we get to know each other better.

Starting with dinner. There's this new Japanese place in Cardiff called the...

Konbanwa. You like Japanese?

Yeah. I'm down with Japanese.

Although I've got to warn you, the chefs are toppers, so make sure you wear

something you don't mind getting stained.

Good. Great. Look forward to it.

Stella, this, um... Sex ban.

You're not serious, are you?

Yes. I am.

What, not even a... No, not even a...

See you.

Oh, and by the way.

What? I'm really glad I met you two.

She told me to stop bleating on about being fat because there are bigger

problems in life.

Well, she's got a point, Al.

What do you mean?

If sex was exclusively for thin people, then the world's population would die

out. You can't not have nothing just because you're overweight.

Yeah, but I don't know. It wasn't just about the weight thing.

She seemed upset about something.

Sorry I'm late.

I had a load of hot faggots to deal with.

Day nothing.

I made these pasties the day before yesterday. They're going to be used by

tonight. So I'm happy to do three for a pound if anyone's interested.

Go on, I'll take half a dozen off your head.

Sit down, please, George the Butcher.

Right, housekeeping.

First, welcome to our new member, Rhian Evans.

Hiya, Rhian.

It's good to see you. And I trust you'll enjoy our life -changing healthy eating

programme. Oh, don't worry about me, Nat. I couldn't cock and care less.

I just come to get a break from the kids.

You are aware you have to pay five pounds per session, I know.

Oh,

the shame. It's like a night out with Jeremy Kyle's reject.

OK, everyone.

Let's see how we've done.

I

don't

believe it.

Are they working properly?

Of course they are.

£4 off?

Jenna's obviously stuck with my plan.

And is this sweet star pupil?

Which isn't saying a lot, because looking at the rest of you, you're not

expecting much.

Die, David. Put that patsy down.

As well as wholesome food, you must have had plenty of exercise.

Am I right?

Yes, you may have.

What is it, may I ask? Share the secret?

Jogging? Cycling? Swimming?

Intercourse. She's been having a lot of intercourse.

Disgusting, that is.

Sit down.

Anne?

It's gone half past.

Marcus not picking you up?

No. Collette's back.

So?

So we'll... He'll be going in early to go through the bookings, like.

Might be for the best.

Some women can be a bit funny about their fellas giving other women lifts.

Yeah.

Mam?

Yeah?

Oh,

Tamara.

I'll be down now in a bit.

Can I have a quick word?

Of course.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, just about.

Well,

that really... All right, well, thanks for letting

me know. Just for the record, I'm finding this whole ban thing quite

OK?

What? Didn't see a blood of us that last night. Very observant.

Right, you lot, behave yourselves. Don't worry, we won't.

Good morning, one and all.

Today we're going on a mystery trip.

What's wrong with that?

Well, it'll be Bristol Zoo.

I promise you, we'll have a fantastic day.

What about the seaside?

What's cool?

A walk on the prom.

You'll never see those penguins being fed, anyway.

Oh, bollards to the penguins. What's wrong with fourth call?

A bit of fresh air?

Bingo? Aye, aye, aye.

Let's get a few thoughts straight here now.

Too much excitement is not good for you.

I know about these things.

I'm ex -army, and I've seen my share of action.

I've laughed at death and spat down the dark tunnel.

Adrenaline is my soulmate.

Oh, bullshit.

Knock,

knock.

All right?

Bacon, lettuce and peanut butter.

Ma 'am, your star.

And I got you a Kit Kat, Di Davies. Only a two -finger mind.

Thank you, Stella. Very kind.

But if you'll turn to the right.

Wow. Very impressive.

Auntie Brenda may be in the dark, Adrian, but one of us has got to drag

business into the future.

And the future is cheesy puffs.

Welcome to the 20th century.

Snack as you go. No lunch break.

Eat on the oomph. An American concept.

Bloke told me about it. In America?

No. Tenerife.

Right, well, five minutes, everyone, then we'll just get back on the bus.

Ruling time.

Excuse me, Mr Williams, but I've dropped a puff.

Like what?

My powder puff.

I was adjusting my face in the wing mirror and it dropped and fell under the

driver's wheel.

Well, it can happen to anyone, Mrs Perkins.

I'll give you one. Come on.

I can't see anything.

Mr. Perkins!

Mr. Perkins!

Mr. Perkins!

I'm sure we'll find it somewhere.

Mr. Perkins!

Right, let's get this show on the road.

You see now, then?

to keep the language down. You know how sensitive my daughter is.

Everything all right? You there yet?

No, not yet.

And this isn't Alan.

Yantor, are you playing silly buggers with me?

Await my instructions.

I'm the captain.

You sure you can do this?

I'm trusting you with hell, aren't you, boy? It's not a prob, honest.

OK. Go through it one more time.

Windows shut.

Bog door locked.

Radiators off.

Lights off. Bin outside.

And... And... Don't forget the tin of keys.

Take it home with you.

Got it. You can leave your wallet, your will, your liver in a jar.

But never that tin.

Loud. And clear.

Now, get yourself away. You'll be late.

Oh, first Tuesday of every month I've got to go.

Regional meeting of all the rugby club chairman.

Enjoy. Not my cup of tea, to be honest.

Full of jumped -up little wannabes pretending to be something they're not.

Oh, well.

It's me, Auntie Brent.

I'm here.

There's something I've got to tell you.

What is it, love? Anything?

If I'm not home by four, can you tell Little Al there's a lump in the fridge?

Yeah, copy that.

And Celia?

I've got a message for Celia Braxton.

Can you tell her?

This is a hostage situation.

It's not Steve Wright on a Sunday.

Now you, be quick.

All right, enough.

That's because we have bombed this school.

Talk?

He's a madman, Auntie Bren!

Our lives are hanging by a thread here!

For God's sake, save us!

Doggy man!

Joe!

Fetch him.

Let's get an ice cream.

Ah, it's the time.

The endless time.

It does my head in.

How long have we been here now?

25 minutes.

For God's sake, pull yourself together, man.

Just remember our training. Stay calm on all turns.

You're right.

You are right.

Sorry, Al.

Oh, God.

It feels like it's all over now she's back.

I know.

I hate seeing her touching you.

And the way you are with her, like if you're madly in love with her or

something. But if I'd known her, she'd think there was something up.

Come on, Em, she knows.

Yeah, I do.

He's killing me as well, you know.

What am I supposed to do? Tell her.

No. Why not?

You dragging it out like this is just making it worse for everyone.

You've just got to let me do things in my own time, okay?

Oh, my God, Al. He's got a gun.

No witnesses.

I knew it.

I wouldn't mind a mint if you got one going spare.

I haven't eaten since ten. A bit package -like.

Oh, for God's sake.

Let your self -respect show some restraint.

Just don't mind him, Al.

He's a killer, an easy kid. I know your type.

Spineless. You never saw real action, did you, boy?

Real action.

I fought for my country, for my life.

The only place you'll fall for your life is in the bunch of grapes in Aldershot.

Come on, that's a bit much.

Stay out of it, Chubby.

Oh, Charlie.

Yes? Hiya, John.

Hear you're up to a bit of mischief today.

No, not mischief, just action.

John Edwards called himself a captain.

Tells everyone he was in the FAS.

He was actually a milkman.

Oh, bless him.

Is it the dementia?

John hasn't got dementia.

He's just a compulsive liar.

All right, John, you've had your fun.

Why don't you bring them all home now, eh?

That depends.

You know you can't get away with this, don't you?

Give it to me for a minute, Celiac, or whatever your name is. Let me at him. I

done a night class a couple of years back.

In what?

Hostage negotiation.

I knew it would come in handy one day.

Is that the captain?

Celia. Hiya, it's Aunty Brenda here.

How are you doing, kid?

I'm losing my patience.

First rule of negotiation, put them at their ease. Second rule of negotiation,

ask them who the Prime Minister is.

Oh, I don't know. That's wrong. Oh, I know. Ask them if they've got any

You got any hobbies, love?

No hobbies.

Just a few demands.

You've got a few demands.

I know, I can hear him.

Go on.

Number one.

No more mystery trips. We're old, not bloody stupid.

Ah, now, can I just say that my company, Brenda's Buses, do run a lovely little

trip to Port Talbot once a month.

I'll send you a flyer if you like. Shut up, Auntie Brenda, and listen.

Oh, look out.

You've turned aggressive. That can happen. It means he's losing confidence.

Sorry, Captain Love. Carry on.

Why do you assume everyone over 70 likes Countdown?

Film's on.

Okay, more film. Is that it?

Just one more thing.

Yes?

I really enjoyed myself today.

John, can you tell one of the drivers I'll be waiting for him?

Which one?

The big stupid one?

Or the scruffy one that shits himself?

The big stupid one.

Do you know...

Try and get them on the way back.

We'll keep you bread.

Hey, guess who sold another car today?

Look, I'll see you back at the ranch.

Love you.

All right, all right.

Oh, Bibbs.

Let me hold you.

Let me feel you. Let me smell your very bones.

You ain't got no idea what I've been through today.

I've been through a bit myself, love.

Are you OK?

Yeah, of course I am.

Being held hostage is all part of a minibus driver's contract.

Well, let's get this lot settled and then we can have a proper chat, yeah?

So, here is your mission, should you choose to accept it.

Go on.

Coke. No way. I end selling drugs no matter what.

Counds of coke, idiot.

See over there?

There's a new vending machine in that cabin now. Full of easily accessible

stocks. The mark -up would be huge.

Now you're talking demented.

We're teenagers, Ben. It's our job to be demented.

Impressive.

Right,

we'll have to tip it.

Quick, let's get it done.

Start him up, and get him out!

Anybody finds out we were here tonight, we will be in deep dung.

All right, let's lay again. Whoa.

Pact first.

A pact?

Of silence.

We were never here. Got it?

Got it.

He said she was done like tea.

But he looks like pon.

Learned to be sarky.

What?

Sarky.

Lucky.

Oh, God, what's he dangling now?

Octopus. One of their specialities.

Stella, I thought you said you liked Japanese.

I do.

I do.

Well, considering tonight's supposed to be a getting to know you, All right, do

me that joy.

Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind.

Oh? Go.

I'll call you.

Question number one.

I think your daughter is having an affair with a married man.

Do you confront her and tell her to stop?

Answer, absolutely not. You only think and you have no proof.

So you've always given her a lift?

And I saw him touching her face.

What is it with you and face touching?

Look, you've got to let her make her own mistakes and then just be there when it

all tumbles down.

Did well.

Then there's question number two.

Which is?

You've fallen for a bloke or you suspect you have nothing in common with him. Do

you A, stick with it and hope for the best, B, cut your losses and run?

You don't look like a woman who does much running to me. Come on, Stella,

got loads in common.

You know what?

Oh, definitely not. Absolutely my favourite. See? What?

Oh, look, Michael, this was a stupid idea.

I wanted to impress you by being all classy and sophisticated. I find you

incredibly sophisticated. The theory of eating raw fish makes me gag.

I like mine to at least have had a flame passed under it and preferably be

covered in butter.

There's no point in me pretending to be someone I'm not. Let's just call it a

day, shall we?

We could.

Or we could just go to the chippy.

Yeah? I'm sorry I snapped at you yesterday.

I can't say I blame you.

What was I thinking of? Leaving you there in your nice dress and everything?

It's not why I'm upset.

OK.

You never asked me about Liam.

About my boy.

Well, I didn't want to be nosy.

I'm just going to leave it to the start.

No, he... When he was 12,

Liam had leukaemia, and when he was 13, he died.

I don't know why I'm smiling.

I haven't had to tell anyone that for a long time.

I don't tell people, as a rule.

I don't get to know people, as a rule.

Keep myself to myself, you know.

And that's what boyfriends want. You don't have to say anything if you don't

want. There was something about you that I trusted straight away.

And I felt... Well, safe, I suppose.

So when you did your disappearing act at the gala... What, a total plonker?

Not you, me, of course.

Alan, I think you're lovely.

What's it going to be, Luke?

A boy or a girl?

It'll definitely be one of them.

Hello? Luke Morgan?

You want to get on the car lot, mate?

Who's that? I think there's been a break -in.

What?

How do you know?

Who is this, by the way?

Yeah, please, please.

It might be nothing. I know, but I was left in charge tonight when I... I was

the one who had to lock up. I was the one who had to take... Oh, Christ.

What? The tin with all the khakis. I left it there.

Wait, what? Move it.

You okay?

where you are, son. You carrying anything?

What? No, no, no. Look, look. I work for Dai. Just keep your hands on your head

where we can see them.

Get on the car!

Get on the car!

Suspect making off.

You shouldn't have run, mate.

OK. So my birthday's the 1st of December.

My middle name is Lucy.

And I'm very allergic to cats.

Your turn.

22nd September.

Matthew. Well done.

To date, no discernible allergies, though tinned pineapples make my mouth

funny. I'll remember that for future reference.

Sounds promising. I'm sitting with a chance, then.

Oh, come off it.

What? I mean, you and me, we're hardly a match made in heaven, are we?

I'm Welsh, you're English.

You're racist, I'm not.

You love Japanese food and hate flambresco.

You adore cricket and I don't understand it. That's really... And the only

reason you moved to Ponterbury is because you have to, whereas I actually

to live here.

Is that the best you can come up with?

What are you doing?

I am approaching the bench.

Your Honour, I have listened to the case of the prosecution very carefully, and

I would now like to present the case for the defence.

Please continue.

Thank you.

When I first moved to this town, I believed I was living in a world of

mad, hostile, opinionated, belligerent aliens, such as the woman next door.

Amen. And the couple who kept a donkey in the house, despite the obvious health

and safety risks.

It's true, I was really unhappy.

And then you helped me out at the gala thing when you really didn't have to.

You were so incredibly kind that night.

And I just felt... looked after, I suppose. And I haven't felt looked after

anyone for a very long time.

I know.

The thing is, Your Honour, what I think the court probably doesn't realise is

that I...

Think I'm falling in love with you

I've

already fallen I

can't

fall in love donkey

Just so that's clear, I will never love the donkey.

OK.

Stella! Stella!

Stella! Where have you been?

Stella! Stella!

Ma 'am, where have you been? Oh,

he's been arrested.

What? What do you mean arrested?

They were going to keep him in for the night.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Let's calm down. We'll sort this out.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's all right.

Come on, let's go and put the kettle on. I'll call the station.

I'd like to book a

funeral.

My brother's a good boy, you know. He wouldn't risk going inside again.

You've obviously done it.

And when I tell my mother we saw what happened? While we were robbing the

machine. Don't you ever insult my partner again, do you understand?

You. Out.