Original subtitles

You do? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'm on drugs. And we want Alan Williams to do

it. Do?

Yes.

And I love you.

I can't stop thinking about you.

Nice to meet you.

Hello. Hi.

What's going on? It might go.

Bloody hell.

I know. It's immense.

You've got French bread and chocolate muffins.

Hey, what are you doing? Put it back.

I want a muffin.

Oh, good God. Who's that?

No one.

Tom, go home.

I can't move.

Is he your boyfriend?

No.

Emma never came home last night. Yeah, well, she met up with an old friend or

something. Yeah, right.

Slapper. Shut up, Ben.

And put that bloody muffin back. You can't just take things, can't you, Will?

It's me.

Great night, wasn't it?

Hey, listen, do me a call. Let me know you're all right.

Ciao.

Ben, why do you always take all the milk? You're so selfish.

My fin.

Shut up, Tom.

Do as I say, not as I do.

All right?

Perfect shoes for the walk of shame, these.

I'm sorry, I can't give you a lift, but... Don't be daft.

I've booked a taxi from the end of the road.

Anna, you'll be all right today.

Just don't moan, OK?

Thanks for looking after me. Oh, look at the closing ring.

All right?

Yeah.

Me and him, we'd quite a night of it like, night of me press.

Yeah, certainly looked that way.

Oh, have you heard of Ryland?

Who? Goodbye.

See you later.

Baby.

What?

I'm not judging.

In fact, my cousin's seeing someone 20 years younger, and he's doing her the

world of good.

Sorry? You're, uh...

Your boyfriend.

Don't be ridiculous. It's just Tom, that is.

Oh, by the way, your food shop's been and gone.

What? It's at half past.

Don't worry.

He left it all at mine.

Well, come and get it, then. I haven't got all day.

And are you aware of the dress code for tomorrow night?

Black tie, Auntie Tanisha told me.

Good. Well, we're off to deliver these, aren't we, Abraha? When I get back, I'm

going to teach you all about lost leaders. Is it a game?

Like Candy Crush?

No, it's a technique for attracting passing trade.

Fascinating area.

Great. I can't wait.

Let's go, Abraha.

Right, get yourself over here now, you big old bitey crab.

Exfoliate there. Thank you.

How come they don't bag it up here?

Well, I said not to. You know, environment, plastic bags.

So, do you want to borrow some of mine, then?

Um, please.

Oh, this is yours, too.

It's half empty.

Yeah, I borrowed a drop, I did. But in my tea, you don't mind, do you?

No, not that. Oh, and, um, Ben had a bit of an accident with one of your

muffins.

What, did it accidentally fall into his mouth?

Yeah, I told him not to, but you know what kids are like.

So, essentially, you've been pilfering my groceries.

You are? No, it's fine. Oh, I'll pay you back. No, I don't want you to pay me

back. I just said it's fine.

I'm sorry, Michael, but I will not be besmirched in my own home. I was not

besmirching. Yes, you were. You were basically accusing me of theft when all

did was take the tiniest bit of milk and put it in my teeth. Half a point.

If that's not besmirching, then I don't know what is.

Objection, Your Honour.

Overruled. I am more than willing to refund your costs, but I put it to you

in comparison with the re -delivery charge you'd incur, not to mention use

bags, half a pint of milk... Don't forget the chocolate muffin. ..plus the

part of a chocolate muffin is an absolute bargain.

Do you rest your case? Yes, I rest my case.

Is that my bacon?

Yes, it's your bacon. Thank you.

Here. You can keep the milk.

I can't stop. I'm late.

Whoa! What's your horses, young lady? You got enough time to tell me where you

stayed last night?

Ma 'am, I'm 19.

And I'm nosy.

Amy's, all right. I said Amy.

Well, that's funny, because she came home in the back with that.

Not Amy Edwards.

Amy Parker from college.

God, ma 'am, you're unbelievable.

What do you want to do?

Oh, Jack.

Jack? Ah, he was good as gold, he was, for me last night. But then I think he

finds me very calming.

I come bearing tickets, my friend.

Cheers, Jack. You never said you was going tomorrow night.

Since when are you my social secretary?

There's nothing social about today.

It's a business event.

Actually, it's a charity dinner. It's so much more than a charity dinner,

Jagadish Chowdhury. Is it? It's an opportunity for the entire Pogdeberry

Fraternity to gather together in one place, which is why I want you on my

We've got a lot in common, you and me.

What with you being a small business person of high standing.

I look forward to it, Auntie Brenda. And I plan to bring my niece.

Broaden her horizons.

She looks like she do enjoy a bit of broadening, that one.

I'm a small business person of high standing.

Why can't I sit at the table?

Right then, go to them white ones out.

Ah, hello.

I have two spare tickets available for tomorrow.

Can I persuade you to take them off my hand?

You would need to bring somebody, of course.

Right.

I've got a bone to pick with you.

What?

Sneaking away early last night, you missed all the fun. Mrs Wong copped off

riling bodyguard.

Did she?

Stock room today, please. I'm out of places. That's it.

OK.

You took your time.

Yeah, I knows it.

Sorry, boot.

Well, you'll just have to be punished.

Go on.

Strike the naughty corner.

Oh, man, I loved the naughty corner.

Okay.

This is Wong Byer of the 312 bus with catheter insertion. A delicate procedure

that requires both accuracy, confidence, and ambition.

Number one, always inform the patient of what you are up to. If there is even a

hint of surprise in a procedure like this, you set yourself up for a whoo.

world of pain.

You'll cause clenching, shouting, leaking, you name it.

And that's just you, never mind the patient.

Okay, people, what I did there was I made a joke.

And I put everyone at their ease. Remember that humour and tube insertion

go hand in hand.

Now, let's get this show on the road.

Stella.

As predicted, You look rancid.

And your responses are slow.

Even Mrs Wong by ear looks more alive than you do.

Go out on a weeknight again, and I'll be forced to give you a fixed penalty

punt. Ka -plum!

Now, start inserting.

Might I have a quick word?

Er, might I say no?

It's about the dinner.

Now... Obviously, it's a big thing, my going with Andy this year for the first

time and not you.

It's not like people don't know we're divorced.

I thought you could take Casey as your plus one.

Sorry? Well, so you don't have to go on your own.

I'm not going on my own.

I've got a date.

Well, good for you.

Yeah. Who is she?

Pardon? Your date.

Who are you taking?

Does it matter who I'm taking? I mean, what difference does it make?

It doesn't matter who you're taking.

Oh, don't you fit.

Stella, OK? I'm taking Stella.

A little fat woman from next door. Yes, all right.

Now can I get on?

Why are you here? There's no hospital shut for Thursdays.

I know. Um...

It's about our... date.

Well, go on, then.

Don't mind Shirley. I'll tell you everything, don't I?

Oh, OK.

Well, I'm worried it might be a bit over the top for a first date, but how do

you fancy going to live?

Blimey.

It's too much, isn't it? I always go wrong.

Why? How many dates do you go on?

What?

What do you think, Shirley? Will I enjoy it?

A bit of dinner, a bit of dancing.

A raffle.

And a raffle.

How can I resist?

Brilliant. Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah.

You will.

Ah, hi.

Glad I caught you.

What do you want?

I just wanted to apologise.

I think we got our wires crossed earlier over the shopping. I was only larking

about, so I'm sorry if I offended you.

It was nothing.

I'd hang over, so... Look, I've got to get on.

Mind if I join you?

I'm just taking him round the block for a wee.

Oh, lovely.

I've been stuck in the office all day, so... This is nice.

Reservoirs of Ponterbury.

Ponterbury. Ponterbury.

I like your coat.

All right. What do you have?

Michael Cock in Jackson, LL Bastardby.

Just the man I'm looking for.

Sorry, do I know you?

Hey, cracking cocking night last night when I was down?

Yeah, superb.

What it is, my husband's mother have gone demented.

So we've stuck her in a home.

Now, is he entitled to move into her house? Or do we have to share it with

bastard sister?

Even though she've not seen hair nor hound of their mother for the past 40

cocking years. Sorry, I don't, um... Go to, um, Citizen's Advice.

OK?

Well... Thanks for that, cheap.

Call yourself a solicitor.

I've had better legal advice off that bastard dog.

Oh, what now?

Anyway, the thing is, I just wondered if you wanted to come to a ball with me.

A ball? Well, not a ball ball.

Just a charity dinner dance, really. We do it every year. It's a lot of fun.

Nah, it's not really my cup of tea, to be honest.

There's a raffle.

Raffles are one big scam.

Donna Macken, who, by the way, is on the PTA, wins the dinner for two at

Brotchies every year.

Every year. Please come.

Sorry? Please, just come as a favour to me because... Because what?

Because I've already told my ex -wife that you're coming. I panicked.

Oh, charming.

So it's not like you enjoy my company or you find me attractive or anything like

that.

Attractive? Well, I hadn't thought about it. Of course I'll come.

Really? Thank God.

You'll have to pay, because I'm skint.

Totally, of course.

Welcome home.

Where's Jack?

We just dropped him at my mum's.

We went there to tell her our big news, like. What big news?

Hiya, congratulations are in order.

What have you done, Al? Luke, what's going on?

Look, I asked Zoe.

They're getting married still.

And not a moment too soon, at last, a bit of joy in his tragic mess of a life

a cage. Shut up!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Why, easy.

Oh!

Ah,

finished.

Never underestimate the power of a to -do list.

I'll try really hard not to, Uncle.

For months I've been meaning to do all these things. The day I make a list,

all get done.

Replace the front mast.

Check. Clean out the penny -chew bucket.

Check. Oil the door.

Check. Fix the blind spot on the CCTV.

Oh, you did this when?

First thing this morning.

Why do you ask?

No reason.

Other than a strong desire to learn.

Excellent. And I've seen your nuts.

Big bloody jar of them stuck behind the tea urn. Don't think it's gone

unnoticed. You nibbling away all day like Tusty the sodding squirrel.

Yeah? Well, how am I supposed to laugh till tea time on what she tells us to

eat? I'm a grown man, man. Them starvation portions.

Right then, you lot.

To court will I am.

Everybody in the club?

All eyes on us.

Well, all eyes on me, really, but... Sorry, did he... Not everyone's here

Dieting waits for no woman, Alan.

You just ask Kirsty Alley.

Oh, it's you.

Charming.

I thought it might be Celia.

I've asked her to that gala thing tomorrow night. Oh, I'm going that.

Who is?

Fella next door.

Oh, it's not like that. I'm just doing him a favour, that's all.

OK.

It hasn't escaped my notice that some of you are on a night out tomorrow night.

And I can't say I approve.

You are going?

Yes, but I'm not locked in combat with a high dependency on carbohydrates and my

anti -brender.

In my opinion, a night out or a date.

I'm not going on a date. It's tantamount to an additional car crash to be

avoided at all costs.

To be honest, if I was in your shape, I'd be taking the Mariah Carey approach

and living in a cupboard for a month.

It's my mum.

Oh?

Where are you now?

Why? Because I haven't seen you all day and loads have happened.

I'm not sure about me to the gala dinner thing. I'm going to have to do my hair.

Right. Beth, the big news is that Luke and Zoe are getting married.

Right.

Do you know what I just said?

What? Yeah, that one again.

I know, isn't it?

Are you all right?

Yeah, sorry.

Look, Mum, I'll call you in a bit.

I'm in the middle of some other mob.

Parvati?

Parvati?

Oh, shit.

Sorry, Uncle.

You just gave me a bit of a shock.

What is this?

Oh, it was just a bit quiet and I thought I'd use the time to learn about

CCTV in case it ever fails.

Excellent. I admire your enthusiasm.

Thank you.

So, let's have a look, then.

What? No, actually, because I just remembered I've got some shop -type

do that you wanted me to do that I haven't done yet, so...

This

is quite a bad situation, isn't it?

Gawkers? Keckers.

You have had intimate relations in my shop with... Gawkers?

Checkers, uncle. If it's any consolation, I only let them go down by

You have abused my trust.

But I'm... I am ashamed of you.

Does this mean I can't go to the ball now?

Only I've got my outfit sorted and everything.

Nice cup of tea.

Oh,

don't mind me.

We were just going over the last few details for tonight.

Right, what time do you want me there for the welcome address and stuff?

Er, John?

Er, look, we thought that Andy might do it this year, just for a change.

Fine, whatever.

You know what you could be in charge of? The raffle.

Do the raffle.

So that's all I'm good for now, is it?

Fine,

OK, I'll do the poxy raffle.

You happy now?

Thing is, Al, you've just got to be yourself with this, Celia.

You might be dressed up like George Clooney, but just go and act as who you

not because you're some unattainable film star.

So what you're saying is I'm average -looking and very available?

You're not average -looking, you're very handsome.

And very lovely.

She's a lucky girl.

Thanks, Dad.

It's just been a long time since I did all this, you know.

Right.

Here goes.

I feel a bit of a twat, to be honest.

Well, you don't look a bit of a twat.

No. We'll do with me.

if my mum comes in today to get her hair done.

I don't mind doing her like, only she got some due on this evening.

Gala dinner thing?

Oh, the charity night up at the manor house? Yeah, I think so.

I'm going to that.

Are you?

Yeah, a lot of local business people come.

Thanks. I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

Emma, slow down. You're going way too fast.

Am I?

Yeah, it's got to be the balls of the fingers, not the actual fingertips.

Right.

Here.

Press firmly.

And start with the nape of the neck.

And move up to behind the ears.

You got that?

Mm -hm.

Yeah.

So we got that.

I'm just going to get some more conditioner, Mrs. Peer.

Oh, my God.

What are you like?

It's your fault.

Oh,

don't go tonight.

Let me stay over again.

I have to go.

But I'm desperate.

How desperate?

Really fucking desperate.

Yeah?

Your mum's here?

She brought Alan with her. He wants to do it and all.

Well, you're confirming, can't you?

But he's gone away. What am I supposed to do with him? Just buff him up, is

there? Make him all shiny?

Hi, Michael Jackson.

Got an appointment.

Ah, yeah, you with Lauren.

Louie!

Oh, hello there.

Here's my date for this evening.

Well, it's not actually a date.

Oh, look at him going all red now. He's one of the organisers, he is, Amy, so he

can't very well turn up without a beautiful woman on his arm.

And I'm very grateful.

Hey, Michael, I was thinking, I quite fancy going tonight.

Do you?

Don't suppose there's any tickets left, are there?

I can probably get you one. Oh, wicked.

Finishing with me?

Yep.

But I thought we had a thing, you know.

You and me against the world, playing in a naughty corner.

I know, and we shared some happy times over those 72 hours, and I'll never

forget you. But my uncle's really pissed off.

He used the shame word, and that's, well... Thing is, I can't risk annoying

anymore, because then he'll send me back home.

And as much as I find it boring staying here, it's even more boring back there.

It's a second feck.

And also, I really want to go to this ball thing, so... It's up to Lovisa,

Actually, do you think you could... Knock my face off one last time before

go. Just to top me off, like.

It's gala dinner.

What do you think?

Black tie or blazer?

I'm not really sure, to be honest. I'm much happier in my blazer.

It's always better to be comfortable.

But would I be comfortable if I get there and find I'm underdressed?

That is the question.

I'm going to try the blazer again.

Oh, Luke!

When do you get out?

Not long.

Miss me?

I don't want no trouble. That's why I'm here.

I want to make peace.

Bollock. Syria?

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not asking to be your mate.

I just want things to be okay for Jack.

It's part of both our lives now, and I just want to be part of it.

So... He's turning into a great

boy, this Jack.

I know.

He's grown so much since I last saw him.

You should have seen his face when I gave him his teddy.

Teddy?

Yeah, didn't he show it to you yet?

Of course.

Nice one.

All right.

See you about then, Lukey.

What do you think?

Do you mind me, Em? You didn't realise the average age tonight is 52, did you?

You'd be giving them all cardiac arrest.

Oh, shut up.

You look beautiful.

Albert is playing in his cot.

He'll settle down now in a minute.

Thanks again for having him tonight.

Then you never do, cos you only ever think about yourself.

Thanks a lot.

Luke? What's the matter, Prash?

I'm black in a bit.

What about dinner?

Sorry, the door's open. No, it's fine.

OK, we ready?

Yep. It's been very nice.

Well, you don't scrub up so bad yourself, Michael Jackson.

Thanks.

Right, let's go gala.

And black dye refers to the men, not the women.

You're not right.

Tang, I wanted to get it right.

Oh, God's sake.

Look, Uncle, I know you're still cross with me, and I'm really sorry about the

Cocker's thing. Cocker's? Cocker's. But I have finished with him now.

He is history. Gone.

Skedaddled. Kaput.

I really want to concentrate on my work because I love retail.

Do you?

Yes.

Please don't send me back home. I couldn't bear it.

Evening. Hiya.

I see you two have sorted out your differences.

I'm going to go on ahead. I've got to check something.

Oh, OK.

Parvati was just telling me how committed she is to her career, which

me very happy.

I still have so much left to teach her.

Shall we?

Yes.

Ah, here you are.

How lovely.

Hiya. Stella, you look great.

Aw, thank you.

I hired this. I did it from frocks for you.

It was so cheap.

You'd never know.

You look lovely, too.

Doesn't she, though?

We almost didn't make it here at all.

You must be Andy.

Hurry, yes.

Stella. Well, we're all sitting on the same table, which is fun. Fantastic.

Can't wait.

Thank you.

You did brilliantly.

Oh, Lukey, were you drinking, mate? Just so you know, this reformed character

act, it don't wash for me.

You might have fooled me, but you don't fool me. And get this, all right? Zoe

don't want you. She never did.

I asked her to marry me the other night, and she said yes.

And I ain't afraid of you, Len, so be my guest, do your worst, cos you come

anywhere near my family... Sorry, who's wrong with you?

Not threatening me, are you, Luke?

Cos there's a lot of witnesses, yeah?

The thing is...

You lay one finger on me, I'll have my briefcase done for GBH.

And then we'll look after Zoe when you're inside.

Hmm?

See you again, please.

Trudy, you and Elmer, you watch.

Or else she'd come to her senses. I can't say I blame the woman.

Better just give it up as a bad job and make the most of that complimentary

prosecco.

Get one for me, will you?

I'll wait for you.

Actually, get something, too.

Well, what a coincidence.

Isn't it?

You look incredible.

I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off you.

So don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's charity dinner, courtesy of Jackson Martian

Jackson, is about to commence.

Please take your seats.

Sorry I'm late.

McCain. You invited me.

I've been so looking forward to it.

Me too.

Your phone's been off for a while.

No. What's wrong?

OK, so this marriage, you and me, it's only going to work if we're both

completely honest with each other.

I know.

So go on then, what have you done?

Who gave this to Jack?

I wanted to tell you.

Honest, I did. But then we went away and you proposed and...

I didn't want to spoil it all.

No secrets, though.

If Lenny thinks we keep things from each other, he'll use it and he'll come

between us.

That trifle was fantastic.

Gosh, you were hungry, weren't you?

I've been looking forward to that all day.

Who chose the menu?

Andy. He's been very clever, haven't you, darling?

I couldn't have done any of it without you both.

Oh, for God's sake.

Sir Marcus has business for you. Do you still think of yourself as an incomer to

Ponterbury?

Ponterbury? Well, no, we've been here a few years now.

Still got your accent, though.

I haven't started saying boyo yet.

No, and my wife's Irish, so... Are you?

But you sound so Welsh.

She's not my wife. Oh, I'm not his wife.

We just know each other from work, like.

Yeah, Emma's my daughter, isn't she?

Waffer, thin mint, anyone?

No, better not. Meant to be on a diet.

Oh, what for?

Honestly, I think you reach a certain age... You may as well just accept your

body and eat what you like.

Anyway, I was saying to Andy, you've got such a pretty face.

You could be one of those plus -size models.

Thanks, Jan.

Fine.

Oi! Make that a spritz, then you'll ask your pint. Look, what I was saying was

this. The small businesses of Pontyberry need to stick together.

Liddles are chipped in! Oh, that's rich coming from you, Mrs... Johnny come

lately with your two -bit no -good bus firm, making out you know everything

about how our business is run. That's why you tell a well -fed guy. Please,

let's keep things civil.

They are your two -bit buses, Guy Davis. And if it weren't for me, they'd still

be sat on your forecourt gathering just brand -ass buses. They've put brand -ass

buses on the map. And don't you forget it, goodbye.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could just have your attention. Don't worry.

I'll be brief, because I am one.

Jan and I... And Michael.

And Michael. In fact, all of us at Jackson Marsh in Jackson would like to

you for coming here tonight. I think you'll all agree that that meal was

to none, top notch, and fan -dabby -dozy.

And it doesn't stop there. Oh, no.

We've got loads more still coming right at you. We've got dancing, karaoke,

raffles...

Oh, I forgot the raffle.

Didn't? Oh, for God's sake, you idiot.

Sorry, OK?

Um, oops.

Sorry, everyone, no raffle.

Our bad, what can I say?

Someone forgot to arrange it.

Oh, what a pity. Well, that is a shame.

He's winding you up.

Sorry? Yeah, it's true, Michael haven't done a raffle, but that's because you've

done...

An auction of promises, instead.

Haven't you?

Yes.

That's right.

I'll be back in a minute.

Well, like I say, thanks for coming and have a great night. Thank you.

Sorry, I've got to take this.

leathers and a free car wash.

What do you expect me to do, give away a bloody car?

They're all dead traps anyway.

Down the side, save them one of your day trips. How many passengers you lot now?

You are really... Where are you going?

Trust my legs, that's all right with you.

Right, what have you got for me?

Six month membership to Flubberbest of their style.

And Christ knows there's a lot of people here tonight who need it.

Wow. Well, thanks everyone.

Don't get your hopes up.

Some of them prizes are the right what to them.

Especially David's, isn't it?

Oh, put a sock in his face.

I've changed my mind. You're the only thing in my mind.

Gillette, why are you being like this?

We agreed that's how we do it.

Sorry about that, Mott.

They don't get out very often.

Don't apologise.

Tonight's not quite what I hoped it would be, to be honest.

Well, wait until the karaoke kicks in. That'll get everyone going.

Come on.

Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

Colette.

Shall we get some fresh air?

Excuse us. Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my lovely assistant, Mr

Michael Jackson.

Not the real one. Sorry, folks.

Can you moonwalk? No.

No, sorry.

How can you be called Michael Jackson and not be able to moonwalk?

Go on, give it a go.

No. Come on.

Now

you've

humiliated me in front of everyone, shall we get on with the auction?

Yeah, why not?

Offer.

I hate the way Colette bosses you around all the time.

If I was married to you, I'd be lovely to you all the time.

It's not Colette's fault.

She's tried really hard, but I don't think she ever really got over what

happened. Your affair?

It wasn't even an affair. It was just some stupid fling.

So is that where I am?

Just some stupid fling.

Going twice, our last item of the night.

Sold for £55.

Two tickets on Brenda's buses for a magical mystery tour to Port Talbot.

Thanks,

everyone. Next up, karaoke.

And here they are, Ant and Dave.

Oh, wasn't that brilliant?

Fantastic. Yeah. As long as everyone pays up. They'd pay up, why wouldn't

Andy Brandy? Yeah.

Andy Brandy?

Say one thing to your ex -wife.

She's got very poor taste in men.

That doesn't make sense, actually. She married me.

Oh, yeah.

Ma, I'm going to wear darkers now.

Why, isn't he early?

Yeah, I know where I'm not cut.

Marcus has offered to give me a lift home.

Have you?

Thanks for a brilliant night.

Pleasure.

So,

in for a penny?

How do you feel about dancing?

A little too fast for one.

Now I've finally found someone to pretend about.

with a big fat fraud really, Daddy.

Tragic Eve.

make a move?

Oh.

Okay. Um, I'll call us a cab and I'll get them to drop you off first.

You could do that.

Or you could just get them to take us both back to yours.

What?

You said you had the place yourself tonight.

Oh, I do. I do.

Go on, then.

I'll be over at ten, I told you time and again, but you're late.

I'll wait around the bell.

No, but what is it about the Welsh? I mean, how come they can all sing so

Is it something in your diet? Well, apparently it's to do with our jaw.

Your what?

Yeah, the jaw.

Nice.

Thank you for tonight.

Really. It's a pleasure.

Best fake date I've had in a long time.

Me too.

So good I sort of forgot it was fake.

Or maybe it's not out of your way.

I'm a good guy. I can take a detour.

Emma, this is insane.

Where did it come from?

You know, I was just happily going along, minding my business. You weren't

happy, though, were you? How could you be?

And then you.

I feel like I'm... I'm running down this really deep hill, really fast.

And I know I'm going to fall over any minute and really fucking hurt myself.

But I feel about this world at the moment.

And I can't stop what I'm doing.

I don't want to stop what I'm doing.

Me neither. I love you, Marcus.

We are actually doing this, aren't we?

We actually are.

Keep it down. These walls are paper thin. We don't want our neighbours to

Oh, you're all right.

I happen to know she's not in.

Just because you've chosen to shack up with a bit of Valley's wrath doesn't

Katie has to be dragged into the gutter with you. Now you're talking demented.

We're teenagers, Ben. It's our job to be demented.

As of today, I am putting an embargo on sex.

What? This is a hostage situation.

It's not Steve Wright on a Sunday.

Stay where you are, son.