Original subtitles

I've booked the stag, my friends. A Grease the Musical themed weekend in

-super -Mare. I'm really grateful to you and Jack Adish for giving Luke a job.

Do you want to dance like him?

Nancy Crook, our melon friend.

Although we are hoping it might become something more substantial, aren't we,

Bab? Are we? If you're really sorry for what you did, if you really want to sort

it out, then tell him face to face.

Hello, Stella.

Luke, is this your dad?

Rob?

Then you know that, don't you? Because you've been having secret little

behind my back.

blue tabard anyway, have you? What's a tabard?

Like a tank top for dinner ladies.

Nah.

I'll get it.

You can give me a hand, could you, love?

You know, it's like finished.

I get up and if I stop halfway through.

Here's Nadine.

Nadine? Morning, Nadine. How are we all today?

I just wanted to pop in and get the money for Emma's hen.

Dad's paying for me.

Is he?

Yeah, can I give it to you on the weekend, Nadine? I'm running late, I am.

It's a stunning place we're going, Em. Stunning.

Four stars a day, whilst five with a taste for the helipads.

That was amazing.

Done then.

So Friday night was quite eventful.

There you go.

And I heard your Luke's been camping out at the Belmont ever since. What does

Dad like?

Right.

I've got to get on.

God, I fell for you, myself.

Seeing Rob Morgan after all them years.

Because he's a good -looking fella, isn't he?

Aged well.

But then I suppose men age so much better than women, don't they? Do they?

You and Carl look about the same.

They do help to lash out sometimes, don't they?

Hello!

You look like shite.

It's because you snore like a bastard.

Oh, very nice.

Buy someone dinner, take them to a five -star hotel, lend them a shirt, and all

they do is complain.

I could ask again about another room. Someone might have checked out.

Or you could go and see if your mother's calmed down.

And what is it you're meant to be?

T -bird, is it?

Yeah. What do you reckon?

Well, it's, you know, accurate.

Thanks, Del.

Of course, the bloody arm and the leg, these did.

Still, worth it, is it?

Definitely.

Where do you do on these, then?

Oh, dump them anywhere. I'll sort it out later.

Howdy! Howdy, mate!

Oh, what's all this then?

It's, er, fourth annual DAG this weekend.

We're going to let those characters from Greece play.

Jack's favourite film.

Oh, it's a proper little John Travolta, isn't it?

Oh, morning, Stella.

Oh, actually, I'm glad you're here because I've been meaning to ask, when

hen?

Same time as the stag.

What, this weekend?

Oh, why didn't you say?

Well, it's Nadine that's been organising it.

Oh, I'll make one of his own cakes.

A hen cake?

A cake sounds like a hen.

Nancy, I don't know if they're going to invite you. I wonder if anyone's got a

nut allergy.

It was a joke, right?

At your birthday?

My outfit?

It were meant to be ironic, like.

Oh.

OK. I know you were wondering why I wore it.

No, not really. I just wanted to tell you it was a joke, right?

They didn't make a big thing of it.

And I meant to fall over and all.

Right.

For a laugh.

You sure you don't want me to help?

I said I'm fine.

What's with the laundry?

It's not laundry, it's ironing.

What's with the ironing? Executive ironing for executives, and that is an

executive tabard.

Look, it's what I do, all right?

I run my own business.

All right with you, Lord Sugar?

Never used to smoke.

You never used to ride a tricycle.

So what happens now, then?

Aren't we meant to exchange insurance details?

I don't know. I haven't got a bloody clue enough.

And you've got things to get back for?

Work?

Or people?

I run my own business as well, so it's not a problem.

Maybe I could do things for Luke while I'm over here. You know, help him out,

like. I'm not making you tell.

Well, I didn't say he needed help. He doesn't need help. It's not an insult.

just saying, that's all. Oh, now exactly would you help him? Give him money, is

it? Sorry I wasn't you when you were teething. It's not about money. I missed

your school play years ago. Oh, you've still got your temper then. And the

ability to talk over anyone.

Why don't I write down how much money I spent over the years looking after him,

Rob, and send you a bloody invoice?

At least you saved a few quid when he was in prison, eh?

You know, I was just thinking about a friend of mine,

Terry.

He used to work in a factory in Swansea.

Anyway, on his way home, on the day he had been laid off, in fact, Terry

crashed into an ice cream van.

And he got talking to the ice cream seller, and it turned out the guy had a

whole fleet of vans.

And now my friend Terry drives one of those vans.

So in the end, it all worked out for the best, even though he had just been laid

off.

Are you laying me off, Jack? I'm really sorry.

Don't worry about it.

You've been good to me, like.

Well, sometimes these things, they happen for a reason.

You never know, the next person through that door could change your life

forever.

Do the nakedness in a tip -top, please.

By the cat food.

Thanking you.

All right?

You've been working in that van since I was a kid.

Probably the same fish.

What was it like round here in them days?

Exactly the same.

Something must have changed.

Well, they've got plastic bins now. Used to be metal.

Me and Gary Evans used to set fire to the lids and cook hot dogs on them.

You don't love the cock and cheese, Rob.

Ate the cock and burger, but I love the cock and cheese.

Nice new back boot.

Come on in.

Come on in. Talking about things that never change.

She was the first girl in our year to get caught shoplifting.

She nicked a bottle of nail varnish and a support sock.

The school expelled her, but she wasn't bothered.

She was going out with Trevor Mackey at the time.

He drove a Kawasaki 125 and he could spit onto the roof of the bus shelter.

What more could a girl ask for, eh?

Right, come on in, you lot.

Come on.

Better get this lot home.

We need a nap.

All that saturated fat.

It's like the mafia, this place.

You're in it for life.

Some people like you like that, I suppose.

Want to eat beer tonight?

All right.

You're all buying.

God, this really is the same fish.

Total lifesaver.

How's your day going?

Oh, don't ask.

Some dozy dickhead cut me up.

I'm all right, though.

You sure?

Yeah.

How's everything else?

Yeah, fine.

Listen, babe, I'm sorry I've not been myself lately.

Things will get back on track, don't I promise?

Right. Well, after Emma's wedding, I'm going to take you away somewhere dead

romantic. Aw.

And shag you senseless. Oh, easy now.

We're not far from a school.

Are you serious, though?

Are you up for it?

I'm over the pre -press.

I'm a Ponteberry girl.

You don't look much like Kinnicky.

How many times, woman, I'm not going as Kinnicky anymore.

I'm going as Leo.

leader of the Scorpion gang who raised Danny at Thunder Road. Sonny, put your

outfit on. We'll have a photo.

Give me a minute to do my make -up. Dad.

Well, Leo had pockmarked skin.

Dad, I don't want to do the grease thing.

What? I want to do something else.

Devin Wilson's brother went to Amsterdam.

You're not going to Amsterdam.

He caught scabies off a prostitute's dog.

It's a little bit late in the day to change your mind. I never wanted to do

in the first place.

I would be nice.

I don't even like a bloody film.

That bloody isn't swearing.

Look, I just want a normal stag do.

Well, maybe we can go to Amsterdam dressed as the T -bar. Nobody's going to

Amsterdam.

Sorry, I'm dying.

A packet of Triple A's, please.

You want a good stag do, Sonny? I'll give you a good stag do.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

You leave it to your Uncle Guy.

Oh, I'll give you a stag do that you will never forget.

I'll take you places that'll make your grandchildren's hair turn grey. Oh,

that's very kind of you, Dad.

Shit.

Emma?

Right.

Where'd you get that shirt?

It's Rob's.

I've just come to pick up a couple of things.

Okay.

I could stop for a cup of tea if you want.

Tea? Only if you want me to.

Ma 'am.

Give me a cutch.

Very posh.

French, apparently.

For the catalogue.

How was work?

Er, not great.

I got laid off.

You're joking.

There was no job for me there, to be honest.

Jack was just doing me a favour.

Right, well, we just have to find him something else, then.

We'll try the garage. They're always looking for people at the garage.

I tell you what...

How about I make you a nice shepherd's pie?

I've already... That'd be lovely, thanks.

You've already eaten.

Rob bought me fish and chips.

Did he?

I just want to get to know him a bit, ma 'am.

That's all.

Who knows, he might be a right dick.

Wakey, wakey.

Special day today.

You just don't look like you'd like to go camping, that's all.

I know.

I mean, where exactly has he taken you?

I reckon Beacon. Well, at least you'll be safe with Uncle Di.

You were in the army.

The army killed people.

Oh, come on.

Better than going to some manky lap -dancing club, though, innit?

I suppose.

Or Amsterdam.

Imagine who was going to Amsterdam.

I know.

That'd be awful.

Are you two spending a night apart?

Me too, babe.

I get so lonely in bed on my own.

Maybe we could have one of our special phone calls later.

I will ring you 2200 hours.

Make sure your knife is out of its sheath.

Hello, boys.

All right?

Because it is a dark night, it doesn't mean you can drink. Ma 'am. Because if

you do, I will find out. Ma 'am. I will.

Come on, you lot.

Stop your grinning and grab your linen.

Oh, my God, I see this.

Lee,

what were you doing?

I thought we was going as people from Grease Lake.

Lee? Yeah, hey?

Oh, yeah.

What?

What's he doing here?

Son -in -law said he was okay.

And you're all right without him here?

Why wouldn't I be?

Oh, that's class, that is. Yeah, it's a bit of our age, isn't it?

I have to say.

I was expecting something a little bit more.

Economy club?

Four stars it is, Tan.

It was five when they took over the helipad.

Race you to the pool, ladies!

There's not going to be a room for her. They're full booked this weekend.

She's just going to have to share then, isn't she?

Why can't you share with her?

You've got more in common, like your age.

Oh, if you need any help rubbing that in, I've got magic hands.

Just ask Alan's feet.

Far enough, isn't it?

All right.

Hey, boys, listen up. There's something I want to say.

You forgot the stripper!

Right, we're all here for a laugh and a joke.

But let's not forget where we are.

These hills are killers.

You could die of exposure.

You could drown in a river.

You could fall down a hill and break your neck.

There are marshy bogs, impossible to see, which could swallow you up so you

in slow, suffocating agony.

I saw that happen once.

Poor lad, he had a wife and two young 'uns.

She tried to say something at the funeral, but she broke down.

She just hugged those little kiddies so tight, Sophie.

Very tight.

Anyway, just something to think about.

Right, let's get this party started.

The ground's too soft over there. The pegs won't grip.

Seems all right to me.

You know in Canada, right, you get bears coming into the garden and that.

Well, they've been known to go through people's rubbish.

Serious?

This bloke told me once that if a black bear comes at you, you've got to stand

your ground and look him straight in the eye and scream as loud as you can.

Scares him off, apparently.

Mind you, he's dead now, the bloke.

Did he get eaten by a bear, like?

No, he was knocked down by a lorry.

Driven by a bear.

You should come over sometime.

See what it's like for yourself.

You'd be lucky I'm skid.

I'll buy you a ticket.

You can stop with me.

Rob's on the stag.

Can you believe Rob have gone on the stag? There's no need to dwell on it,

Let's just have a nice weekend.

Oh, bastard!

I'm not dwelling on it. I'm just... Yes!

I'm just saying, that's all.

Ah!

Now, I've basically tidied up your basic for Jojo and I've left you with a

little landing strip.

Are you sure you don't want me to get rid of the old lot?

What, and I've nothing down there at all?

It's a bit weird, isn't it? It's all the rage these days, my love.

No one likes a hairy Mary.

Well, you could do something like that.

Are you going on that ship?

Yes, I am.

It's got a book on topiary. It spends hours down there sometimes.

Paula, is this going to be about Rob?

No. Yes.

It's our turn.

Can we just have a laugh and leave all that other stuff behind?

Yeah. You're right.

Is that a panda?

No, it's a swan.

The key to surviving out here is patience.

We wait, like a hawk, until we pounce.

As I said, patience.

Right, where you go, lads?

Die? Die.

I've got my whalies in the minibus. Go barefoot, then. I've got these terrible

children in the sea.

Sonnel. Sonnel.

Soft wrist.

Remember?

Flick from the elbow.

Jag! Where do you get that from?

Argo.

Die!

How do I get back to camp again?

Follow the path.

Knee. Knee. Knee.

Flick. Dab.

Flick. Dab. Dab. Yeah?

That's it, George. Perfect!

I would do this every week.

Look, Tony, Rob's loaded.

He runs his own company in Everton.

Yeah, well, there's more to life than money, Press.

How much do you reckon he makes, though?

I don't know.

I've never really thought about it.

Look, Tess, he's got a massive house. He showed him support all.

Yeah, well, this is your day, you know, Rob.

So let's have a nice weekend and put all the rest of that stuff behind us, shall

we?

Must they have?

Dad says, can you hurry up? He wants to light the fire.

That's funny.

I don't remember him being so strict.

I take it you don't want to kill me anymore, then?

I didn't say I wanted to kill you.

I just said I might have to.

When are you heading back?

Not enough wood, I guess.

To Canada.

Ah, everyone's favourite question.

Well, I'm not altogether sure.

Won't your family or whatever be missing you?

Not married.

Anymore.

You've been seeing each other long?

You and Stella?

Three months.

She seems very happy.

Yeah.

She was always very feisty at school.

She's still feisty?

She's a lot of things, Rob.

Probably got enough there, don't you think?

Yeah.

Get that fire started, shall we?

Alan could do with a fishing on one of these.

Oh, he gets very stressed after his lollipopping.

Cake?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Oh, you know, I count my lucky stars every day that I'm with Alan.

I do wonder, though, why wasn't he snapped up before?

I did ask him why he was single for so long, and you know what he said?

No, he said he was saving himself for the right woman.

Who was saving himself?

Alan.

Yeah, he'd been sniffing round you for years, haven't he, Sal?

No, do it after.

Ralphie, Alan have always owned a candle for you.

Well, more of a blowtorch than a candle, Carl said.

Actually, Nancy, I will have some of this cake.

He must have asked you out about, what, ten times?

Oh, shut up, Nadine. Maybe more.

I don't know.

Asking someone out for ten times.

You've got to give it to him.

Must be the recipe for some time.

Stunning, this is mine.

Stunning.

I don't mind cooking.

I've got a great recipe for fish.

Curry, is it?

Gal.

I don't only eat curry, you know.

Although, as it happens, it is a curry recipe, yes.

You know, when you first moved out to Canada, how was it?

I was only 17.

I can't remember it that well.

I mean, did it take you long to get used to it, like?

A bit, I suppose.

I wouldn't live anywhere else, no.

That's what I've been thinking.

I wouldn't mind giving it a go out there.

I've got nothing to lose. It's all going on from here.

If I could stay with you for a bit, just till I set myself up.

I'd get my own place, you know, once I had the cash.

It's not that. It's just, I mean, coming over on holiday, that's one thing, but

moving out there, that's... You did it? Yeah, but I was with my parents.

You're my parent, aren't you?

All right, boys.

See anything you like?

Look.

The hoop should be laid out as per the diagram on page seven.

The central peg should be hammered in securely before play can begin.

I think that's done it, Nance.

Right, lad.

Who knows the best way to cook a fish in the wild?

Little Alan.

Where's my dad?

I got this from NASA.

Well, not actually from NASA.

From the outdoor pursuit shop in Newport.

They use these on the space shuttle, apparently.

Keeps soup hot at zero gravity.

24 hours in a row.

Dad, how much does all this stuff cost? It doesn't matter. The only thing that

matters is that you are having a good time.

You are having a good time, aren't you, son?

Yeah.

Have you told Mum how much? I'm not a bloody idiot.

Right, we're sorted.

We want to go left.

East -ish.

Scary to think he's in charge.

Is it?

I am... My name is Alan. And I am in control.

I can achieve anything because all I have to do is breathe

and believe.

Breathe and believe.

You know that whatever stands in your way, you have the power to conquer it.

Hold on!

Oh! Oh!

Okay, lads, gather round.

A slight change of plan. We best split into pairs now and spread out more. Give

us a better chance.

So choose a partner and buckle up.

Then you were knackered. Yeah, well, you would say that.

Well, I hear that once you get married, you don't hardly do it no more, and

that's normal.

Me and your Uncle Di have done it six times a week since 1987, and there's

no sign of a letter.

Secret of a strong marriage, that.

Actually, the secret of a good marriage is communication, patience, and

friendship.

Where to do you get that from, Tan?

Your village, anything?

No, loose women.

Oh, you're all talking wank. There's no secret, Press.

You've just got to make it up as you go along.

Shame that theory didn't work for you, though, Stella.

Oh, look out.

What? What she means is, you're divorced, aren't you?

So, you know.

Oh, and when are you getting married to my ex -husband then, Nadine? Oh, no, I

forgot. You haven't asked, have you?

More wine, ladies.

Oh!

Luke, about earlier.

Get some money, bud. It's a stupid idea. Forget it.

Okay.

I'm just surprised, that's all.

I'll just stay home and knit cars instead.

Luke. Get a girl up my daft, buy a burger van. World's my oyster.

I'm saying I don't want you to come.

Yeah, right.

Oh, for God's sake, I'm trying to apologise, okay?

And if you don't listen, then that's fine, but give me a break.

And change the record, because at the moment you're acting like a bloody

Who's that?

for this, lads. I really appreciate it.

No worries.

I've been going down the gym.

Every night I get back and Nancy just fills me with these bloody pies.

And hot pots.

She don't like them if I don't have seconds.

And pudding.

Boiled in a can.

With tip -top.

I don't even think they've still made it.

What?

Where is the naughtiest place you've ever done?

Earth easy.

Me and Sonny once did it in the back of his dad's... What

about you, Nancy?

Where's the naughtiest place you've ever had sex?

Rill. Rill.

Nadine.

Up the back alley.

that. We did try the tradesman's once, but Carl said it made him feel sick, so

we give up.

I won't offer again, I told him.

Careful.

Careful. Careful, man.

You, uh, do you know that Wonderwall?

Stunning.

Margie? Do you want to go on my death?

Aye.

I don't know what you're doing, though.

Right,

hand over your plates then, lads.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Madam, you are disturbing the other customers.

Follocks, I was. Ma 'am, you're hurting my shoulder.

There was no one else down there.

Because they all left when you started singing.

It was like a morgue, it was. You know what I mean, don't you, Tan?

Yes. Right, I'll be back now. I just got a call. Die a minute.

Aye, aye.

Oink, oink.

Nudge, nudge.

One of them phone calls it is, that.

Look, all I'm saying is there's nothing for me over you.

Sign on, go down the Legion, watch tellies. Same old, same old. I know, but

least here you've got your mates, you've got your family.

It's a big thing, Emma Grayson. I know. If you really want to come to Canada,

and I mean really want to, then I'll help. But you've got to be sure.

I am sure.

Oh, Master, I've been such a bad girl.

I got caught in the hayloft with the farmhand, and the farmer gave me such a

spanking. Listen, love, I need to tell you something.

You could cook an egg on my backside. It's that red, raw and hot.

Just stop. I'm all wet.

That's what I said to him, but he wouldn't stop.

He just...

Di?

Do you think you should drink some water? Forget about everything else.

money, houses, sex, fame, and houses, you know?

It's family, and family stay together.

And that's where we are, you know?

Oh, yes, she is.

How was it?

Did Di remember his hands -free kiss?

Oh, I'd have thought I'd have put more colour in her cheeks then, but look at

her. She looks like death warmed up.

Which is quite funny for an encyclopaedia.

Any more of that wine left?

Oh, bad signal, was it?

Or was thy tentpole not extended?

No, everything's fine still.

I know that face.

What's up?

Oh, you just leave it.

What's up?

I will tell you in the morning.

Stop being such a bloody drama queen, man. What's going on?

All right, fine. Do you really want to know?

I remember my stag.

The lad's got me a belly gram.

Big fat girl, a strip.

Quite cool, actually.

On her more than me.

Emma? Bloody hell, Sammy, my mum's going mental.

She had to be 20, 21 stone.

Poor thing started crying halfway through the song.

She's what?

Just get Luke, will you, babe?

I've got to talk to him.

In the end, we just told her to put her clothes back on and come and have a beer

with us. Bloody hell. But are you all right, little thing?

Worked out stunning, to be honest, mate.

Cos she won some lamb chops in the raffle, eh?

So, Canada, eh?

What?

I couldn't help it, I was in my tent, just grabbing a beer and that.

Don't say nothing to Mam, Uncle Di.

Just got to find the right time, like.

No, no, no, of course not.

But you do have to bear in mind that these things have a habit of getting

She'll be upset at first, of course she will.

But don't worry, she'll come round in the end.

Right.

It's for you.

Simmer.

The backstabbing glory boy!

Bastard! Bastard! Just listen!

Right. I want to be on my own. All of you, just get out. Tell her for God's

sake. Jake, you're making a fool of yourself.

Oh, piss off, Tanisha. Jake, don't talk to my mum like that. Oh, you still hear

you? I thought you'd be off in some corner crying your eyes out because your

beloved Luke is going to Canada to be a mountain.

And who can blame him? His mother is a bloody psychopath.

Hey, don't talk to my mum like that. That's another thing. How long have you

known? When were you going to tell me, your best friend? I've only just found

out now, you idiot. Right.

We've all had a drink, little tiggity.

Breath and talk about this calmly. Oh, pipe the hell down, Nadine. Yeah, shut

your festering gob, you tangerine tart. I've never liked you.

Oh, my God.

It's so not tangerine. It's insane.

We're supposed to be family, aren't we? No, Tanisha, we are not family. None of

you...

I'm leaving.

I'm not lying, they've got nothing for a couple of hours.

What?

You're having a laugh, aren't you?

the night you're having, get me a taxi now.

Oh,

four stars, my

ass.

What? Ma 'am, ma 'am, just listen to me a minute.

Traitor.

After everything I done for you, Luke.

Look, I don't know what Paul has said, but can we just talk about it? Isn't any

of you a business?

You're not my son anymore.

Oh, ma 'am, behave.

You're just pissed.

Bye -bye.

Come and get me.

What a fantastic time, boys.

Oh, no.

Look at this way.

At least we got our health.

Yeah, them birds bust.

Come on, Ed, start.

Come on. And they're close.

Hello, love.

Am I that bad a mother?

Luke goes to prison, and then he goes to Canada.

Anything to avoid me.

Hey, no.

They've only known each other a week, and they're moving in together.

I don't know if this helps, but...

You was that year now, clutched up, crying on my cardi, just like when you

little 'un.

I seen you cry as a baby.

I seen you cry as a toddler.

I seen you cry as a stroppy teenager.

You saying I cry too much?

No.

I'm saying if you love your parents, and Luke does love you,

And you'll always need them.

Nothing changes that.

No matter where you go.

I want to go home.

The world is too heavy to beg for my shoulder.

Come take the weight of me now.

I want to stand there in that courtroom and look them right in the eye when I

say it. Show them who they're dealing with.

You're definitely going then?

Yeah. You might know how to order paintbrush and gloss a window frame, but

you can't write poems like Carl do. I just want you to sigh.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God. Right.

Stay there. Don't move.

I'll be there now.