Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

Sorry. Sure enough.

I got a boyfriend.

I don't boy.

I don't live with him all day.

He's from your dad.

You don't look nothing like him. Do I?

No. I don't even know what to call you.

Hello, son.

You're a ginger.

What?

You've got ginger hair.

Gingerish, like.

Sorry.

What am I saying sorry for?

You don't look nothing like me.

My mam told me you didn't.

Did she?

Did she know I'm here, then?

No.

I am your dad, Luke.

I never said you wasn't.

Whenever I'm alone with you, you

make me feel like I am.

What time is it?

Half five.

Oh, what's wrong with you?

Are you drunk?

No.

I'm excited.

I got a thought looks pregnant.

And before I do that, I want sex one last time with a blonde.

Oh, babe.

This is all going today, isn't it?

Come on, McGaskill.

Get to it.

Next time you shag me, I'll be a brunette.

Right!

Yeah, no, it's fine, actually.

Only by about half an hour.

It's fine, yeah.

Coffee, please.

Thank you.

Yeah, you have to get Gary to talk to them.

No,

it's got to be... Me, please.

Thank you.

I'm not sure yet.

A week, maybe?

OK, great.

Thanks, Al. Bye.

I just wanted to apologise for the essential plumbing work we haven't done

the moment.

Oh, no problem. It's got to be done. Sugar, please.

No, I can do my own sugar. Thank you, Bethan. Sugar, please. Bethan.

My receptionist tells me this is a bit of a homecoming for you.

Er, yeah, sort of.

Fucking hell!

Ha! I thought it was you, Rob Morgan!

I'm so sorry. Mr Morgan's having his breakfast. No, no, no, you're all right,

but me and him go back years. Isn't that right, Rob?

You don't shitly remember me, do you?

Cheesy Reese?

Oh, Greasy Reese, some of the boys used to call me. Or Damp Ass, remember,

because I was always pissing myself?

Right. Look, I can't hang around because I got water squirting like a bastard

cat. But, yeah, take this, and if you fancy a few pints one night, just give

a bell.

Hey, how long are you in town for, bud?

I heard you'd gone Canada, like.

Yeah, well, I'm just visiting, you know. Oh, the boys will be made up to see

you. Dennis, Cluster, Leaky Bean and that. So call me now, won't you?

Because I know where you are.

Mental, man.

Mental!

I had no idea who that was.

Well,

Mum, I'm going to try.

Oh, really?

This is at least 25 points.

Happy birthday!

Right. Me first.

Me first.

Whose birthday is it?

I don't know.

Well.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Oh. No jokes about doing time like? Aye.

You can't afford this, ma 'am. Oh, she's been on the street selling her body.

Everyone asks for a refund.

Oh, yeah.

Do you like it?

It's mint. Thanks, ma 'am.

Anyone want a tea?

Oh, yeah.

I've got to go.

Me and Em's ordered your Lennox T -shirt, but it hasn't come in yet.

picture of it, like.

Oh, excellent.

Oh, I like that.

Can I go with you there?

Send her home.

Oh, it's not my sister, is it?

No. She thinks you're going to get off with her tonight.

She's got a tricky clip out there. Oh, my God. Have she?

It's meant her.

Bloody hell, what's in you?

That. It's front door. I thought you'd like to give it a go.

Oh, sweet.

I've sorted you a few lessons down, Big Ray. Turning my boy into a thug now.

Cheers, Sean. Nice one. Oh, pleasure, mate.

Shit, I'm late.

Right, I'll see you later. Thanks for the stuff and that. Bye -bye, my little

boy. I love you.

Get off your heads.

Hey, party's starting at seven.

OK.

You're going down Big Ray's this morning, are you? Yeah, I thought I'd

hour in.

Give me a lesson. Are you serious?

Ma 'am, you can't box. Why not? Because I'm a woman, is it?

Katie Price to do it. She'd do it in a cage.

Jordan? No, Katie Price in year 12.

She's really good, apparently.

Oh, what do you think?

Oh, what do you reckon, Ben?

You're going to kill him.

Whoa, Mum.

There's a black wooden on my hot plate, you know.

Luke!

All right?

Happy birthday.

Ah.

Thanks. What on earth have you done to your face?

Dad!

You look like a dirty clown.

Go and wash it off.

It's a really nice smell.

Justin Bieber wears it.

Really?

Will you give me a lift to school?

Luke's not going that way. Are you, Luke?

No. No.

Right. I'll see you.

Yeah.

See you at the party.

Flaunting yourself like this. You're getting more like your grandmother every

day. And who is this Justin boy?

Another one on the list, no doubt.

You're unbelievable.

I read in Marie Claire that when you decorate your first home, you've got to

write nice things on the wall, and then you get good karma.

Karma?

Oh, I wish we didn't have to wait till after the wedding to move in.

Well, I read somewhere that before you move into your new home, you have to

sex in all the rooms.

Otherwise, it's bad luck.

Better get on with it, then.

Right. Finally got the colours that I wanted.

Akia?

What on earth have you done?

Where did this paint come from?

Do you like your tan? Sure got it for its cheap like.

No, I most certainly do not like it.

I got you these.

Blister for the walls and cloudy dog for the woodwork.

Oh, no, you're all right. We'll stick with what we got.

Ming and Nara, it's really bland.

Oh, it's going to be so mint living over the soft tan.

Because if we run out of anything like bog roll or sausages and stuff, we can

just nip down and take it, can't we?

Thanks for that.

Don't mention it, Dad.

Maybe you can return the favour.

What sort of favour?

Ablutions.

I was hoping I could pop in a bit later for a quick swill in your shower.

There's only so much a girl can do in a campervan sink.

Right.

Now, look at my feet.

Know where I've got them and just do what I'm doing.

Oh, be great. Stop it, man. You're pulling me off.

Sorry. Sorry.

Are you sure you want to go ahead with it? Yeah, come on. Get on with it. Just

show me the punching bit.

Elbows tucked in. Be great.

Got a visitor.

Keep your balance.

Stop it out.

Elbows in.

Keep my balance.

And that bit out. That's it.

Elbows in.

Keep my balance.

Oh, my God.

Joe, how are you doing, mate? All right, Sean?

Long time.

Hang on a minute.

That is Joe Calzaghe. You can't just think how you're doing, mate, to Joe

Calzaghe. He was on strictly.

Joe Calzaghe.

Long -time disciple of Big Ray and undefeated super middleweight champion

world. Stella Morris.

My girlfriend.

All right?

Yeah.

Stella's been into box.

What's she now?

So, it's bump, two, three, four, turn in, and then bump, two, three, four,

hands. Ah, yeah, because I know what I'm doing.

No!

You're talking absolute rubbish now.

Honestly, we're performing it tonight and you don't even know the basics.

Oh. You two.

He just doesn't listen, Paul.

He makes me do it and I'm ten hours humiliated.

That is enough.

If you can't play nicely, then you won't play at all.

It's Luke's party, remember? It's not all about you.

Hello. Sorry.

I suggest you both take a breather and start again in half an hour, OK?

I've got to get to Meg's.

We're moving the pie to the Legion.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

Chance of a lifetime, this, Del.

Focus. Elbows in. Elbows in.

Watch my balance.

And snap it through.

Hey, Maureen.

Ring it on.

Oh, God.

And time now for those birthday requests.

To Keris in Vargoid. The big 5 -0.

Don't worry, says her husband, Paul. We're all clubbing together to get you

off. No, seriously, we are.

And happy 25th birthday to Luke Morris from Ponterbury.

Oh, what?

Can't wait to party tonight, says your mum. Stella, Emma, Ben and all the

family. And especially for you, here's the firm and Star Trek in, which was

number one, the week you were born.

Classy.

Great.

Elbows in.

Choking, choking.

Come on, Stale! He's a pussycat!

Oh, shut up, big man!

Oh, my God!

Bloody hell, Stale!

Wait, we're done.

We need police and an ambulance.

It's Jo Calzaghe.

I think she's killed him.

Oh, my God.

I hardly touched him.

That was corny, that was.

Your face.

Sorry, babe, I couldn't resist.

You bastard.

Yeah, very funny.

I know falling for you twice, babe.

I might be tough, but I know that tough.

Sean?

You don't have to wait.

The truck will be here now.

You inherited something from me, then.

Where are you staying?

The Belmont.

Not short of a few quid, then.

Happy birthday, by the way.

What? How do you know? I remember it every year.

I do think about you, Luke.

Every day.

Look, why are you still here?

In Ponte Berri, like, what do you want?

To get to know you, obviously.

I got you a card.

Can I give it to you?

Cheers.

You may as well have these too.

Last year's.

The year before.

The year before that.

I don't understand.

This came a few days after you were born.

I sent a card straight away. It came straight back.

Sent one the year after, that came back too.

Why do you keep sending them?

I don't know.

After 20 -odd, I started to get the message.

I got that letter from your brother.

Look, she never slagged you off or nothing.

She said you was kids, you know, too young for what happened, like... She

wasn't. Oh, but she didn't have much choice, did she?

She's a bloody hero, my mother.

Oh, make your mind up, woman. We moved it three times already.

Yes, but shouldn't it have a table in its own can so people don't get their

hands on it?

Mum, it's a pie.

It's meant to be eaten.

Not if I've got anything to do with it.

Try by there.

Go on.

So just the cordless for now.

And two, three, four.

I am really, really sorry.

Babe, it's not your fault.

I shouldn't have wound you up.

Val?

Paula?

It's like a monkey sex dungeon in here.

We had a bit of an accident.

Your mum said this is where I'd find you. I thought she was joking.

Of course she's doing my head in. And dies, and your dad.

Oh, it's not the... Pie, is there? She gets all defensive when she makes a big

pie. This one's gargantuan.

It was the same with the Ruby wedding, do you remember?

With a dog with a tea bowl and a stick. I wish she wouldn't bother, to be honest

with you. She's stressed it everywhere now.

Everything was over there.

All right?

Oh, God, Luke, see it from my side, will you?

I was 17.

My parents decided there was no choice in the matter. They didn't give me a

choice. Well, maybe they didn't.

What about when you were older? Why didn't you come back then?

Why did you wait 25 years to come back and see us? Because the more time went

by, the harder it got. I don't feel good about it, you know.

What do you want me to do? Just say, I'll go and see Stella. I'll talk to

This is her now. You can say sorry now if you like. Oh, don't be so stupid,

Hey, Stella, remember me? I'm the bastard that abandoned you when you were

and pregnant.

All right, ma 'am?

Heads of the Valley's van broke down.

Oh, my God, you all right, Pres?

Yeah.

This fella stopped to help me.

Oh, it's all right, then.

Hey, listen, guess what?

I went to Big Ray with Sean because I wanted to have a good boxing night and I

borrowed you new boxing gloves. Don't worry, I haven't wrecked them or

Anyway, the thing is, Joe Calzacchi was visiting.

He knows Big Ray and that.

Oh, did you just say Joe Calzacchi?

Yeah.

Say happy birthday to my boy.

Luke, his name is. 25 today.

Happy birthday, Luke.

Aw. Mad, innit?

Anyway, I knocked him out.

Well, at least I thought I knocked him out. You knocked out Joe Calzacchi?

yeah, except it was a joke. It was a trip, like.

So, because I was annoyed with Sean, I hit him. And then I really did knock him

out, and now he's seeing Stan.

all right? Cheers.

Look, I'll see you in a bit, Mom, okay? I'd better get on, like... Okay.

See ya.

Wouldn't want to be ya.

She sounds exactly the same.

This is going to blow his brains out.

He's not going to get with you, Jaz. He's 25 months old. A lot of men like a

younger woman.

Shut up, Jaz. You're gross.

So, if we do the registry office bit on the Friday, that means we'll be

technically married for a whole day before we actually get married, like.

Your brain works in mysterious ways, don't it, Mrs Chowdhury?

Emma Chowdhury.

Oh, my God, that's correctly that is.

What shall I double -barrel it?

Emma Chowdhury -Morris.

Is that Luke?

Emma! Oh.

Upstairs. You'll probably have to push me getting to this and I'll have to do

lying down.

Hiya. Hiya.

How's Sean?

Oh, he's OK.

Just a bruise, like... Like his ego's come off the worst, to be honest.

Listen, I'm going murdered in a bit.

You sort everything at the registry office?

Yeah, all done.

June the 15th at midday.

Aw, that's exciting.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, Dad Rag, he's calling over with a present for Luke.

Why didn't he bring it tonight?

I don't know. He's had it too big.

Oh, it's not another giant bear, is it?

I think Nadine's got a job, lots of them, then.

All right?

Is he in? The birthday boy? No, he's on his way home.

Van broke down.

I got him a present.

Yeah, listen, Boat, it's not another bear, is it? Only the thing is, I don't

want to be rude. What do you think, eh?

It's merely for Luke, it is, but I put you down on the insurance and all still,

so you can drive her.

You bought him a car?

Yeah, well, he's 25 and that now, isn't he?

You bought him a car?

Well, and you need one for driving Ben and Emma and that, so it just made

really.

I know she's nothing fancy, right, but... Hey, happy birthday, mate.

I bought you a car.

Here, yes. All right.

You'll have to share it a bit with your mam, like. School runs and that, you

know. You'll have them all after you in that look.

Very swank.

Why have you done this?

I'm not complaining or nothing, it's just... I know, well, I was thinking

it and I was saying to Nadine, like, you're like a son to me, really, aren't

you?

Aw. I've known you since you were eight.

I mean, you're not the same to me as Ben and Emma and you never will be, but

I'm... All right, card us for the moment now, innit?

Thanks, Carl.

It means a lot, like...

No worries, mate.

So, can take you for a little spin then, a while.

Oh, what you've just done was really stunning, Pratch.

Almost makes me regret leaving you.

I thought I left you.

No.

I just leave since you did.

Why is she a snatch hour, though?

Is she a homeless?

I don't know, little lad.

But if she offers you another pasty, say no. Or else we'll never get rid.

Oh, that's better.

I feel like I've shed half a stone in dirt.

Now, which of you lovely boys is going to make me a cuppa?

whilst I sit down and do my feet.

Well, actually, Nancy, we're going out tonight and we've got to get ready.

Oh, when are you in Exotic?

25th birthday party, yeah. Friend's son.

He's been in prison.

Oh, has he now?

Well, give me half an hour and I'll pop back to the van and I'll see if I've got

something to wear.

Oh, party.

Oh, how exciting.

Oh,

don't come to the famous.

Well,

I think that's disgusting.

So do I.

Oh, shut up, the pair of you.

Where's your sense of adventure?

I know where you is, good girl. Hey, Steve, you're trapping up at the night,

isn't it?

I'm going to get trollied, I am. Always do on a Friday.

Gives Carl something to look forward to. It's only fair.

Are you babed with me?

Can you pick me up at five?

No, five o 'clock.

When is five o 'clock?

Love you.

Did Stella tell you we won't leave the car?

Yes, three times.

Right, Stel, I'm going to rinse you down now, boot, and get you trimmed.

Let's put you over the sink, is there?

You want to make it all right, do you? You want to fix it, like? What?

Come to the Legion tonight, then. Come to my birthday party.

There's the address.

They'll all be there. My mother, my nan, my gumper, all of them. If you're

really sorry for what you did, if you really want to sort it out, then tell

them, face to face. I don't think that's the best way to handle all this, do

you?

You're still a coward, then.

Fine.

I just think it's a stupid idea.

So fuck off back to Canada, then, Rob.

You ready then, kid?

Is it awful?

Well... Oh, my God!

Can't get out still.

Yeah.

Nice.

It'll show the grey more, mind.

You know what I think?

I think you look like the Dean again.

Give or take a few crows feet.

Hi, babe.

Hi.

All right?

What do you think?

Dead mental, innit?

Yeah, well, I like to break the rules, Luke. Know what I'm saying?

Uh, not exactly, no.

Soon a bit.

Do you want to dance like us?

Oh,

darling, see me.

Darling, see me.

Oh, my God, I just want to die.

Look at everyone.

Am I boy?

So bloody happy.

Me too.

And you are lovely, you are.

Why do you always say that? Because you are.

Lovely you are. You say it all the time. No, I shouldn't I?

We've never actually said, I love you.

Oh, God.

We reached that really embarrassing moment when two people are going out

together and one of them has to dive in first with the I love you, but they're

both too scared to say it.

I'm not scared.

I love you.

Are you going to say it back without me misery?

Yeah. Go on, then.

OK.

Me too.

No, that's cheating.

Sean, I love you to bits. You know I do.

Well, keep that to bits, then.

Three words.

Okay.

They love you.

I don't believe it.

Fuck it up.

Ty. What?

I... I said I love you! Hello, Stella.

You know who it is? Sorry, hi, Tom.

Who is it?

Luke's father.

Oh, my God, Luke's dad.

We've already met.

And we talked this afternoon, like, and last week.

I got a letter.

You wrote to him?

No. Who did then?

I did.

What? I tried telling him.

I knew Gumper.

But no one would listen.

But why did you write to him?

Because I wanted to fill in the family tree.

How did you even know where he lived?

Gumper told me. What, you tell him where he lived for?

I did and I told him the company name. Where did he get the address? I thought

it was just for school.

The only person who listened to me was little Alan.

You knew about this, little Al?

A little bit.

Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me he sent me a birthday card every

bloody year since I was born?

Because he didn't. Yes, he did. You sent them back.

No, I didn't.

Someone did.

I did.

Don't look at me like that, like I'd done something wrong.

It wasn't exactly right, love.

I suppose it was right what he did, was it?

Walking out on our daughter like that. You must have had to pay excess postage,

did you?

I did that once.

Sent something back to my sister's friend in Batalba.

It was this silk scarf, it was.

She had to pay for the postage and a bit extra on the top. Can we just stop

talking about bloody stamps for a minute? I'm trying to get my head round

Yes, we want some answers, good boy. Thank you.

Like, what gives you the right to waltz back in here... ...after all these

years... Ma 'am. ...tonight of all nights... Ma 'am, will you stop asking

questions that I'm supposed to be asking him?

Oh, God, I need a fag.

It's all kicking off in there, isn't it, Stella?

You all right, kid?

Sorry.

Emergency.

No, I shouldn't laugh.

Aged well, mind, haven't he?

You're not helping, Paula.

No, sorry.

Do you want me to get him to leave?

Yes. No, I don't know.

Are you all right, Prue? Yeah, I'm fine.

Why does everybody keep asking me if I'm all right? Easy.

Sorry.

It's just... Oh,

I don't know. I think I'm going to be sick.

What's he come back for now, Paul?

It's like seeing a dead person.

Right.

Not up in this.

It's not going very well, is it?

I know you won't believe this, but I'm glad you came.

Really? Yeah.

It's made a big difference, right?

I didn't think it would.

Go on, hit him, Ken.

What? Your head of the household.

Hit him?

You sent him that photo.

And you gave Bernie the dress.

It's all down to you, really.

Nice looking, isn't he?

Sort of solid.

And a bit like he wouldn't stand for no nonsense in the bedroom.

Can't quite see what he saw in Stella, mind you.

Go on, Nadine. You were drunk.

Oh, look, someone's got him before you now.

Hi, mate.

I'm Sean, Stella's boyfriend.

You probably know who I am. Yeah, I do. I know you're here for Luke, but...

Yeah, I invited him.

Is that a good idea?

Really?

It's not any of your business, Sean. It's between me and my mother, this, and

father. I'm sorry, but your timing's a bit shit. Hang on. It was my decision to

come here. I don't really care about that.

I only care about Stella.

And she's really upset, so I think it'd be better if you went.

Look, Sean, it... He's right, Luke.

Where is she? I just want to see her, and then I'll go.

She's outside.

But if you hurt her, I will kill you, OK?

A bit over the top of listening, Rob.

The situation's not ideal now.

Then again, you always did love a drama.

Did I?

So now that you've wrecked the whole evening, what do you actually want?

Just to say sorry, really.

Mam, he's trying, all right?

Give him a break.

Do you know, for years I used to fantasise about him coming back.

I used to think we'd run into each other's arms and he'd cry and say how

he was and then we'd start all over again and live happily ever after. But

you know what? You're standing there now and you... What are you, 44, is it?

But I've got absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever.

Probably because I wasted them all on you 25 years ago.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Yes, like you said.

You want to get to know your son, do you?

OK.

Look, this is your dad.

Rob, this is your son.

Then you know that, don't you?

Because you've been having secret little meetings behind my back.

Right, I'm not being funny.

I know there's a family crisis going on and you're having to confront the

wreckage of your past and all that stuff. But the fact is, me and Daddy

been rehearsing our duet for weeks for this party. And crisis or no crisis,

we want to know is, are we going to sing it or are we bloody not?

You are going to bloody sing it.

Welcome home.

I deserve it all, so... No, you don't. She's just pissed.

Hey, don't talk about your mother like that, good boy.

Sorry.

I used to think about you coming home and all, Rob.

And what I'd do to you for hurting my little sister.

Yeah, I bet you did.

But we're middle -aged men now, aren't we?

I don't know why.

But it's actually good to see you.

Cheers, guy.

I appreciate it.

No, not really, are you, babe?

Having a good time?

Do you know what?

If I didn't have you right now, I'd be an absolute mess.

But you have got me.

You stag do that you will never forget.

I'll take you places that'll make your grandchildren's hair turn grey.

It's a stunning place we're going, Em. Stunning.

Four stars a day, what a fight. When they turfed over the helipad.

Hiya. What's he doing here? Can you believe Rob had gone on a stag? Where's

dad? Hello!

Hello!

Back -dabbing glory boy bastard!

Oh, bloody hell, Sonny, my mum's going mental.

Will you come and get me?