Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

Because I'm fat, isn't it?

What? You keep avoiding me because I've gone fat with the baby.

It's from your dad.

Was I snoring?

I was, weren't I? Sorry, babes.

Are you all right?

Oh, thank God for that.

What? I thought I dreamt you.

I'll be home now.

What's the matter?

Calm down. Emma, stop it.

All right, I'll be back now in 20 minutes. Don't do nothing silly.

She's having another row with Sunil.

I'd better go.

I'll keep your cocoa pots warm for next time, then, shall I?

OK.

There is going to be a next time, isn't there?

Are you a bit thick or what?

High winds, and now everyone is back to work. It's sunshine all day, with top

temperatures of 20 across the whole of South Wales.

Stick your head out the office window and enjoy.

Boris, hey. What?

Dad's not there.

Nothing. I checked it.

I was just trying to find out where my pod's at. Ben, leave it now, all right?

Just forget it.

And don't say nothing to Mum about it. She'll go mental.

Sorry.

Do you want a fried egg?

Yeah.

Bloody psycho!

Hey, lads, your sister's a nutter.

Took him a while to work that one out.

Off for a run, is it?

Just kick me out again. Have a word with your stuff.

Horse doesn't think of being up to no good, don't he, Glenn?

Aye. Well, maybe horse is right.

What's wrong with his voice?

He doesn't sound to be a horse, don't he?

I'm going to try him on the honey now.

Do you want a bit more?

Yeah. Morning.

Hiya. Where have you been?

You know where I've been? I stayed at Sean's. Nice meal.

Yeah. Is he a boyfriend now? Yeah, he is.

All right.

Oh, so what's happened then?

With you and laughing boy?

I told him he's not coming to scan.

What have I got?

No. Finish your breakfast.

Because he's a knob and a liar.

Emma, it's his baby and all, you know, and he's already late having this scan

done. So?

Well, I'm coming with you.

You can't go on your own, man.

Friday? No, thanks. I'm dieting.

Because you've got a boyfriend.

Because I've got a boyfriend.

I've got a boyfriend.

battery.

Who put that cocking smile on your face then?

Oh, wouldn't you like the cocking, though?

Yo, Mrs. B, you is looking mighty fine to fine.

Here you go.

And there she blows.

What in God's name is the matter with you? Have you been up all night

No, I've been up all night shagging.

You should try it.

See ya.

Hi, Estelle. You're looking very... You look nice, like.

Alan, is that a wig?

Yes.

Right.

Apricot blaze, they call it.

Real hair.

From a Russian.

Oh, I see. I like that.

Had a wicked way with me and now she don't want to know.

Oh, you're just another notch on the bedpost, McGaskill. Deal with it.

Hiya. Hiya.

Oh, my God. I'm 42 and I'm slogging in the street.

Aren't you meant to be in school?

Going in late, aren't I?

Revision period.

If that's the case, why aren't you revising? All right, Pute. Oh, good

Your brother's hard at it upstairs.

Luke's hard at it in all, aren't you, Lou? All right, all right.

See you.

Yeah. Pute, don't encourage her.

Hiya.

You've got any of them? Diet shit.

Buy the cat food.

What are you still?

Oh, on the porn now, is it, Prash? Nadine not giving you none at all,

Dropped the last one in the bath tonight.

Went all crispy.

Poor.

Sunil tells me Emma had another of her tantrums. Did he?

Oh, I just heard he'd upset her again.

Well, there's two sides to a story.

There's 22 sides to a story.

It's 4 .50.

Glad you weren't at Tilbury, because technically, Tanisha and that, they're

family now, and it feels a bit, you know, buying this, like.

Mind you, I was thinking, are you and me still family?

Am I still a step that still since me and you got divorced, like? No idea.

I was wondering the other day on the bog, like.

Sort of thing they'd ask you on QI.

I tell you what, Nadine, she do love that show, she do.

Nadine watches QI?

Yep. Don't understand a word of it. But she bloody loves that Stephen Three.

Right.

Look, I'm just going to Cash and Kerry. If there's any problems, call me.

Here, Jack, I've been thinking. This Grease Lightning thing for the stag.

I'm going to go Olivia Newton -Jones -like.

You're the one that I want.

You are the one I want. Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey. Yeah, because I do love wearing a

bra, me.

Why do you ever let him go?

Have you and Sunil had another row?

Yeah, massive.

The door's blocked, though, yeah.

I've got no chance with Luke if you're not my son.

Jasmine, do you? You've got no chance with Luke anyway. He's old enough to be

your uncle.

Oh, I like him old.

More experienced.

And he's a criminal.

He's not like a gangster, is he? Shut up.

Oh, my God, Em. You're not going to believe what Rachel Sawyer just told me.

What? The girl said I should tell you. But I'm not so sure.

I don't know what's the best.

Stop bluffing, Em.

What have you got?

I'm sorry, Em.

She saw them over Bargoy by where her nan lives.

In this doorway.

Kissing like.

Fennell and this woman.

And see, all your family and your friends will be sat in these chairs by

weeping along with you for comfort.

All right?

And then we come to the committal, which, to be honest, is the hard part.

But like I do say to all my customers, once you get that bit over with, the

is a walk in the park.

Now, by here, we have the coffin.

And either we can go for the descending option, which is nice, because it's a

bit like a burial, but without the mud, or we can go for the sliding door

option, which I think I prefer, because it feels a lot more final.

Or you've got your third option, which is my least favourite, and that's your

closing drapes. Now, I don't want to influence you at all, because at the end

the day, it's you that's got to grieve. But if you ask me, I don't think you get

no closure with the curtain.

I gave you the blood.

I got it right.

I'm going to leave you with that a minute, my love.

We'll have a little play, if you like.

How do you know?

Well, I can't. I can't do it with me.

Oh, Paul, I'll be all over the shop.

Has he told you?

Yeah. 7th of June, then, is he?

Oh, I need a drink.

How's Di, you put it on? Oh, he can certainly know what it's about.

Yeah, well, that's understandable.

She in?

Yeah.

She could do with cheering up, to be honest.

The date for Di's trial have come through.

Oh, bollocks.

Well, I was going to give you the details from last night.

Paunty magistrate, 7th June.

It'll be all right, won't it? Of course it will.

It's an opening thingy -capement. I haven't done nothing wrong.

Yeah.

Pay the money back over 40 -odd years.

Well, they can't ask any more, can they? Exactly.

So go on, then.

How many times?

Five.

Positions? Three. No, four.

Did you go on top?

Of course.

Standing up?

Briefly. And did you... Yes.

That bike's a killer today.

It is. But I don't care.

He's coming over lunchtime as well.

I am so bloody pleased for you, babe.

Thanks. Me too.

Right. I've got to nip home. See my husband.

Yeah. I've got to nip home. See my boyfriend. Mum! They've been looking

everywhere. When? In school? What's happened?

Amy Edwards said Rachel's always said Sunny's been seeing someone else.

Look, you've got to talk to him first.

You're meant to be getting married in six weeks. You're having a baby in ten.

Don't just dump him over some bitchy, spookle gossip.

It's not gossip.

Yes, it is, ma 'am.

You've got to give him the benefit of the doubt. We must be buying wedding

on Thursday.

Not anymore, we're not.

I'm sorry, ma 'am, but he's dodgy.

It's been building up for a while now. I'm always catching him out.

He'll say he's revising when he's not, or he's over his mates when he's not.

Like the other night, I went round to surprise him with the marketed rollers

Percy Pig.

And his man said he was out.

Your point being?

He's had his chips.

I'm bringing this baby up on my own now.

You'll help me, won't you?

Oh, don't be daft, Mum. It's not going to come to that.

It's like a proper grown -up baby now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Look at them tiny feet.

Remember the first one, the first scan?

Looked like a little scampi.

If there's a girl, I might call her Shrewsbury.

What do you think?

Oh, OK.

My name's Luke Morris. He asked me to call.

Yeah.

OK, well, if you just pass on the message.

Cheers. How'd it go? Remember what I said. If she goes to me, you hold her

OK?

What's he doing here? Get out. I told you we're finished.

Ben!

Ben!

I'm holding her back, so you'll told me to. Not yet, mate.

Mum, tell him to leave.

No, I'm not going. I'm staying here.

Because I love you, don't I?

Oh, look, can you go outside to do this? You know I do. And Amy Edwards is off

red. So is Rachel Soy.

Aren't you going to stupid name? They're lying to you, babe.

Because they're jealous. Why can't you see that?

Sue's this older woman they're talking about.

There is no older woman.

It's only you.

Right.

I think you two need to be on your own.

You're my girl, Ems.

Please don't say full name.

Can I watch Top Gear now?

Of course, then.

Get a room.

I take it the starry shopping's back on for Thursday, then?

Oh, thank God for that.

Have a tea, anyone?

Knocked myself out.

Of course you did.

Interesting choice.

I know.

Weird thing is, it actually does it for me.

Whoa! Sorry.

Needs a bit of getting used to that.

Oh, just the one today, is it?

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, can you pay me today for last week and all?

Well, oh, sorry, yeah, yeah.

Five quid it is.

Yeah.

Al, are you all right, babe?

I saw you the other day with that fella.

Sean? Is it? I don't know his name. I just... Are you going with him, like?

Yeah. I suppose I am now.

A bit young for you, isn't he?

Charming. Sorry, I didn't realise.

I thought... I thought I was filling with a chance, like.

Did you?

It doesn't matter.

I had no idea.

At the curry buffet, you fancied your chances. Well, I thought that was a bit

further the moment.

No, I've, um... Well, I think I've been in love with you for years,

like... Don't be ridiculous!

Oh, I have, since 1984.

85.

But you married Melissa.

That was a blip.

Bloody long blip.

You were together for 12 years. You had little Alan.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, listen, babes.

You're a smashing fella.

And you're going to make... I'm going to make somebody a lovely husband one day,

but it isn't you. Yes, I know.

Sorry.

It's fine.

Right.

All done.

Oh. Yeah, sorry.

Alan.

Can I say something?

As a friend, I guess.

What?

The wake.

It's not really working, Bryce.

You're just going to have to tell her as it is, love.

But I'm scared, though, Paul.

I've never been wrong side of the law.

Well, apart from that... Yeah, well, there's no need to mention that, is

The shape of his eye was funny.

Look, we're going to have to be prepared for the worst thingy scenario.

That way, nothing is going to faze you.

So, Mr.

Cosh... You claim you didn't realise you were being overpaid.

You claim you thought you were entitled to the money.

You claim you were innocent of any deception.

You claim, you claim, you claim.

All right, easy now, Paul.

You've got to get a sense of it, though, love.

Aye, aye.

Of course.

So how do you propose to pay back the state, Mr. Cosh?

How do you plan to pay back the money that you, to all intensive purposes,

from the state?

Well, Your Honour, I reckon I could do a fiver a week.

Maybe a tenner.

Ten pounds?

You owe nearly ten grand, man.

I know, Your Honour, but I just... Oh, me, Mr. Cosh, with your puppy -dog eyes.

Oh, I am so sorry. Look on your face.

Are you sorry, Mr. Cosh? Are you sorry for what you've done?

Yes. I can't hear you, Mr.

Cosh. I'm sorry, Your Honour. Louder!

I'm sorry, Your Honour. How sorry?

Very sorry, Your Honour. And are you prepared to be punished by the state,

Cosh?

Yes, please.

Bend over.

Don't move.

Yes, Your Honour.

I can't hear it in slow motion. Ashley, it's not a good time. You never guess

what. Alan just told me. He's been in love with me since 1984.

Don't go in there.

Correcto.

Oh, God.

I'm thinking of learning Punjabi.

Serious? Yeah.

Once exams are out the way, like.

I'll be able to talk to your man, though, won't I?

But you can already talk to her.

She speaks English.

I suppose so.

Maybe I'll learn Welsh, then.

She doesn't speak Welsh.

Do you think Tanisha's got us?

You don't have to wear one, though, do you?

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

That's Tanisha's.

Come round for your tea tonight.

Show me what you've bought.

Oh, I can't tonight, babes. I've got a stack of ironing to do and Ben's

homework. Oh, I see. Playing hard to get already, are you? What?

No. Oh, I don't play games, me.

Well, apart from Pluto, which I have to warn you, I am brilliant at.

Oh, thanks for another night of absolute fun.

Put her down, luncheon.

I'll see you.

Bye. Bye.

I'm quite a bloody Nadine.

Hiya. Hiya.

I asked Nadine along, seeing as she's the second mum to you, Emma.

Yeah, OK.

Do you mind if I have a seat first, then? Only I'll be sick if I go

Have fun, ladies.

Do it, do it.

Oh, you've got to tell me she's practical tomorrow.

He's gone sour and choppy today, so I was just wondering.

Brilliant.

See you then.

I'd hate to live in Cardiff, mind.

Dirty place.

I do like it, I do.

Biggest bit, please.

I think it's disgusting, mind, what this country's coming to. The people like

him haven't got no home.

Well, buy a copy then, Nadine, if you feel so strong.

No point taking me to yours.

I'm gonna read it!

It's like India, isn't it? Really?

Didn't know you'd ever been.

Did you come down City Roads?

Oh, you must have been really near then.

All right, see you in there.

Paula's two minutes away.

Oh, look at this, then.

You'd look stunning in the gold.

Tricia, can I just say I'm really grateful to you and Jack Adish for

a job.

There's not many people who give someone like him a reckless convict.

Well, yeah, there's not many people who take a risk like him. And he's a good

boy, really, you know. Oi!

Tell him you want cash.

Last time I helped him out, his check bounced.

Okay.

Wow.

That was amazing.

You just get better and better.

Maybe.

Thanks. I have to go soon.

Time goes by so quick.

Can we do it again?

Come on, then.

Me and Carl are going to this tomorrow.

All the rage, apparently.

It's these pills and herbs and stuff, and you have them instead of food, and

weight just drops off you.

I want to lose a couple of pounds for the wedding.

Maybe you should come, Sal.

No, Sam.

There's no need.

She's got herself a personal trainer now. Oh, I've heard about this, Tam.

Sean, his name is.

What? Sean Cole?

No, not Sean Cole.

It's not Sean Mac.

It's not Sean with the hat, neither.

Nor Sean Crap Shag.

Sean MacArthur.

Decorator fella.

Yeah,

although he's actually from Barnsley, by the by.

And he's only in his 20s, Tan.

Not much older than me.

Shut up, he's 32, man.

Still, hell of an age gap, mind, innit?

Charming. Oh, hang a sprout, good girl.

King Kong Carl's 20 -odd years older than you, so you can talk.

15, actually.

But it's different when it's the woman, isn't it? Like Catherine Theda -Jones

and Kirk Douglas.

Michael Douglas.

What about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher?

Oh, come off it, Munstall. You'd hardly Demi Moore, you. Not with them size.

Oh, my God.

My little girl.

She's so beautiful.

No, Nadine, my little girl, my moment. Now, park it.

Is it all right?

Oh, Prash.

You look absolutely... I'm so proud of you.

Two, three, four.

I came across a place in the middle of nowhere with a big black horse and a

spirit tree. Woo -hoo!

Woo -hoo!

I felt a little fear upon my back. I said, don't look back, just keep on

walking. Woo -hoo!

Woo -hoo!

But the big black horse said, look this way. He said, hey, will you marry me?

Woo -hoo!

Woo -hoo!

But I said, no.

No, no, I said no, no.

You're not the one for me.

If we could go back like a thousand years or something, then we'd probably

related to wizards and stuff.

Tomato soup?

Yeah. Little Al? Yeah.

Where's Mam?

She'll be back now in a minute.

I want to see something.

letter from Luke's dad.

Stack it back together.

Please, Luke, just say the word.

We have so much to talk about.

What is it?

The word, like?

Dunno.

Probably a code or something.

How'd you get on? Not bad.

I'm going for a bath.

All right, love.

Expensive day, by the looks of things.

Yeah.

Tanisha paid for most of it.

Oh, my feet.

Where's Ben? Upstairs.

Little Al's here.

See? Mam.

What?

Oh, God, what is it? You haven't stolen nothing of you?

No.

It's about Chanel.

Yeah? Go on.

I saw him today with this girl.

You know this is mental, don't you?

We're hardly incognito still. We're in a bloody hearse. Five more minutes.

Why don't we just ask him?

I should have asked him today when I saw him.

Don't you kiss them. Ma 'am, we've been through this. But not on the actual

mouth. No.

But they looked very, you know, friendly -like.

You've got to give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh, the benefit of my ironing

arm if I find out he's been shagging around.

Oh, time is up.

I am in need of a nightcap or something.

There he is! There he is! Get down! Get down!

Don't do anything yet!

Hello?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Just, you know... Cruising.

Got a lift?

Yeah, cheers.

I was just off to see Em, actually.

You're off your head, you are.

Cool. Never been in one of these before.

I wish I hadn't said nothing, though.

Probably just his cousin or something.

Bollocks.

Anyway, why are you defending him all of a sudden? I'm surprised you haven't hit

him. Don't be mental. He's only a kid.

He's a man enough to make my daughter pregnant.

You sound like Nana Magno.

I just don't want him hurting Emma, that's all.

Like my dad did to you, you mean.

The hell?

Where did that come from?

Luke?

You know how you never talk about him?

Only because you never ask.

I ask because I don't want to upset you.

depression beyond that now. It was decades ago, man.

You can ask me anything you like. I've always said that.

Yeah.

You don't look nothing like him.

Don't I?

No.

Hey, I'm not the bloody milkman, am I?

Shut up.

And you know I really loved him, don't you?

Like, massively.

You only had to look at me sometimes, and I don't know.

My breathing went all funny.

Shouldn't have left us, though, should he?

No.

Ava, think of your consolation prize. You've got Carl as a stepdad.

Ma 'am, listen.

I don't know how you're going to feel about this, but... Put that mat large

for him. I'm going to do a feet.

Second shelf down.

You get much revision done today, then, Sonny?

Yeah, I did.

You asked me that in the car.

Did you? Yeah.

Don't use too much of it, though.

Make you slippery as an eel.

Everything all right?

You tell me.

Yeah. I think so.

See that?

Guilty of the sheep.

The sheep?

Yeah, but don't you worry.

He won't pull the wool from under my eyes.

Yeah, but... All right?

All right?

Any news on Sunil and his mystery woman?

No, but my mother's on the case.

I wish I hadn't told her now.

All right,

Alan? Look, have you got any slid?

What? What's the type of fish?

I mean, filled.

My nan used to eat it.

Aye.

Slid. Never heard of it, mate.

Have a look for the thin fish, if you like, next to the cat food.

Ta.

See you tonight, will I? Good invite for beans on toast.

That's all you want when my mother follows her cooking?

No. Not good.

Hill.

Sorry, Al.

No worries.

You OK?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's begin.

Well?

I looked for you. I couldn't see you. So I was, eh? All right, I think.

Don't know.

Done it now, anyway.

Biology next, then?

Yeah. Oh, you're working ever so hard.

A clever little doctor, I suppose.

Maybe. Listen, I've got to get on. I've only got today.

I miss you, though.

Can't wait for them to be over so I can have you back.

Yeah. I'll call you later, OK?

OK.

I'm behind you.

I'm watching you.

Watch out, because I'm a sneaky freak.

Oh, I'm a sneaky freak.

Because I'm a creepy, sneaky freak.

Watch out, because I'm going to find a place to sleep. But you never know

weak, because I'm a sneaky freak.

Yes, I'm a sneaky freak.

Watch out, because I'm a sneaky freak.

you're a bit early, but I won't hold that against you.

Can I just ask a minute?

It's not hypnosis or anything, is it? Because I think that's disgusting.

No, my love. It's all above board.

Come on in.

Find yourself a seat.

Stunning.

Excuse me.

This is the diet group.

Oh, well, I prefer not to call it a diet, Bab. I prefer to call it a

system.

Hello?

Nancy Crock.

Live and change.

Anna Williams.

Lottie Popman. Lottie Popman. Oh, how lovely.

Come with me, Bab. And I'll get you a nice seat down the front.

Talks dark in half an hour.

Don't worry. I don't bite.

Only when I'm hungry.

Just kidding.

I'm sorry.

No, she said for me to come over and wait.

Can't let her win, sorry.

Stranger danger.

Ben, I'm not a stranger.

No, but she didn't tell me you were coming, so... Sorry, Sean.

I don't make the rules.

Right.

I'll tell you what.

Wait here a minute.

I'll try on the mobile.

OK.

You're the boss.

Mum? Is it okay to let Sean... Hang on a minute.

What are you doing?

I'm just finding something out.

I won't be long. Why are you talking funny?

I'll tell you later.

Make Sean a cup of tea.

I've got to go.

I am so impressed.

I'm good, aren't I? Yes, you are.

So hot, though. Yeah.

Let's get some air in here.

So did your parent know?

Yeah, it was her idea.

She teaches dancing for all the weddings.

She's been in Bollywood films and everything.

Oh, God, I feel such an idiot.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Yes, you will.

Well, maybe after the wedding I will.

Do you want to show us a bit then or what?

No way. Oh, go on. No, you'll have to wait.

I haven't even finished learning it yet.

Spoilers before.

She's a very pretty mind, isn't she?

Your dance teacher.

Is she?

I mean, how do I know you're not making it up? What are you saying? By the dance

lessons.

Because if I haven't seen any actual evidence... I can't do it here. ..to say

that any dancing actually took place, then how do I know? OK.

OK.

Right, well, it starts off with a bit about the heart beating, so it goes...

..and there's this... ..and this.

The classic Bollywood bit. And I think that's all you're getting.

Do you know what? Emma is going to be made up when she sees that.

I hope so. I think.

It's basically all about how much the groom loves the bride.

You really do love the bride, don't you?

You know, when she walks into a room, Stella, I literally can't stop myself

smiling.

I've tried it.

Loads of times.

It's a physical impossibility, like.

Where'd you get the burka?

Paula, don't ask.

It can be you. You can change, just like I did.

And I get a bit emotional when I say it, because I never thought I'd be as happy

as I am today. And it's all thanks to live and change.

Change the way you live with live and change and live the life you came to

and change. Changing life with live and change.

Thank you very much.

Oh, it's done then, wasn't it, Bibs? No, it was disgusting.

Absolute calm.

Come on.

Don't rush off, because I've got a huge selection of products here to choose

from.

I keep thinking about you shimmying up that drainpipe. I didn't shimmy up

nothing. I climbed a ladder.

I'm going out for a bit, OK?

All right, love.

Can't tempt you to a game?

No, thanks.

Are you off?

No, it's pub.

Oh, you and me need to sit down at some point and talk while you party.

Yeah, maybe. No, maybe you're supposed to be a good boy. It's not every day my

little Luke turns 25.

We're going to celebrate in style.

Well, it's on the Legion anyway.

I've booked it now, so there's no pulling out.

It's only the Legion, Prash. Nana and Gunther are paying for it.

I'll see you later, then.

Cheers, Sean. Yeah, see you, mate.

You'll come, won't you, to the Legion? Have a little dance?

Bet you're a dirty dancer.

I won't beg her of you until I look at my cat.

I love how soft you are.

Ma 'am, can I have some toast?

Yes!

Come down, yes? Gentle and quiet.

My lovely lollipop man, my lovely lollipop man. Where do you think you're

Mr Williams?

Sorry.

It's not for me. All this pills and potions and whatnot.

Oh, me neither, Babby.

It's all a load of bollocks, really.

I'm only doing it for a bit of extra cash.

Right. I'll be off then.

Tell you what.

I've got my camper van round the back.

How about I heat us up a couple of pasties and you can tell me what's

you down?

No, thanks.

You won't get a better offer today, Bab.

I know.

Little Alan, he's an old man.

I've got to get back to him.

Oh, it's lovely to have company sometimes, isn't it?

I'll get you some HP with that. Go down, it's right.

Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the lead piping.

Aye, thank you.

She's beat me.

Well, you can't really play Cluedo properly with two, so it wouldn't have

that hard.

Aye.

You'll have to see your dad, you prash.

Yeah.

See you. See you, mate.

I know Ben wouldn't let me in earlier, don't you?

Very well trained, my kids.

Like ninjas.

What's the earliest we could get away with?

Going to bed.

It's still light outside.

So?

Bloody unstoppable, you are.

I don't even know what to call you.

Hello,

son.

I am your dad, Luke.

Don't do this.

Happy birthday!

Awesome. All right?

Here.

Oh, my God.

Do you want to dance like that?

If you're really sorry for what you did, if you really want to sort it out, then

tell them, face to face.