Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language.

Do I look 42 or do I look younger?

Definitely don't look younger. Thanks.

I don't know, do I? You're my mother. You just look like all the other

innit? Shut up. I'm no longer younger than the other mothers, come in here. I

was only 17 when I had you, remember? I was only 17 when I had you, remember.

Not much cop, though, am I?

Past 40, divorced, three kids.

I'm not a kid. I've had sex for two years. Oh, come on, that's nasty. Sorry.

Bonfire Dave thinks you're a milf, if that helps.

Does he?

You do know what a MILF is, don't you?

Yeah. Maybe he thinks Dan and his grandmother's a GILF, so... I don't

count, do I? I don't really count, no.

Which one's Bonfire Dave?

So, everything's still all right, like?

Nobody's, you know... No.

I'm not being bummed, no.

I'll have them in a minute.

Oh, I'm now reaching deep like you're giving your lady garden a really good

Mam, man, don't say lady garden is minging.

I done you some toast.

I can't, I'm detoxing.

Detoxing? I got a load of stone by next month.

Nothing of you, love.

Oh, you want to get that Karen Vorderman? She's much easier.

She's younger than you are, I suppose.

Charming. It's Karen Vorderman, not Karen.

I done you some toast.

Thanks. And where have you put my costume?

Where two have you put my costume?

What are you on about?

For the environment thing?

The place?

Oh, we've done that year seven.

Do we have to dress up as carrots and that?

You haven't done it, have you? Yes, I have. It's at Nana's.

Nana can't sew.

Mum, if you haven't done it, just say, don't lie. It only makes it worse.

Ben, I have made you like a... Yeah, go on.

I have made you a wheat.

Type of thing.

She haven't done it.

Oh, witchy. Yes?

The dress we used was a four. I know, and I'll bring it up to school.

When? This afternoon.

When? At three o 'clock. When?

When I go to see Mr Palmer about you at GCSEs.

No point, I'm leaving Easter.

Oh, no.

She's now a good girl, isn't she?

We definitely had a few kicking around last year somewhere.

Let me just get that and I'll be down in a sec.

Right then, my love. Let's plonk you on the chair for a minute and we'll get you

sorted. OK.

Bobby.

Simpson Funeral Services.

Paula speaking.

Ah, yes, me it is. Your mobile's off.

What's a weep look like?

You are weeping.

Who needs to know?

Oh, it's for Ben, it is. You're doing this thing after school about GM crops,

isn't it?

I forgot to do in my costume.

You're such a shit mother.

I know.

You hung over?

Yep.

And I got four cremations in a row.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

But she don't like the shroud, and I'm running out of options.

Still, I've got to go.

I'll have a think. Yeah, all right.

Still over?

Just.

Eighty -two.

I have your twang.

I had one of these over by Roundhay Park.

I know, but you never went.

Mum would never let you. But Mum never knew, did she?

All right.

All right.

Em, did you know they're opening a vodka lodge in Cardiff? The one in Leith is

wicked. Yeah.

Oh, put him down, will you? It's embarrassing.

What are you reading, Arthead?

Oi, that's what they are, Thad.

You all right?

Ben, look, Ben.

Look.

You know what you need, don't you?

What'll toughen you up a bit? Rugby. Rugby.

Aye, that's right.

You ought to come round the wreck Saturday mornings, and the 15th, and,

Bring your mam, if you like.

No point.

She won't go out without... Er, fair you.

Right.

Er, unpack those urns for me.

Check there's no cracks in them. All right, all right.

Hey, and don't forget, though, me and you've got a date up Sidoli's later.

We're off for a crack of slice.

Do it very good, eh?

Oh,

what's he like, Paul? I got customers. Stop it.

Come on, then.

All right?

He's got a jippie oof still.

Oh, glad of the horse.

Hey, you seeing your boy today?

Yeah, he's got a school show on at the school.

No, no, you will look.

Not little Ben?

Yeah, I am. Is he good? He's on weekly visiting now.

Ask him if he knows how Graham's youngest, Ashley, got sent down Tuesday

Aggravated robbery with intent to harm. He's a lovely boy.

Four years they give him. Hey, you never know. Him and Luke, they might become

chums. Yeah.

Why, chums is it? Oh,

he's laughing now. You should have seen him this morning. See, like a ripped

up...

Today, please, don't be a bastard.

Right.

Let's get him in the shower. Right.

Cold, don't you?

Cold in life, but not in death.

And that's what we like to say.

No, no, no, no. Cold in death, she meant.

Yes, yes.

Aye.

Is it OK to touch her? She won't... You know... Bruise?

No.

Sing to her, Bach.

Sing to Mummy.

Where is your lover?

Where is your boy?

Show me the angel.

Aloft and ahoy. One singing.

Carry sweet mama to paradise. Told her I'll knit me

a jersey of amethyst gold.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

That was just so... I know, son.

Gets you right in the cock, doesn't it?

No. Cock of your throat.

Is it OK if I... keep her warm?

Of course.

Right, of course it is.

She netted at sea.

Keep it all clutched up, is it?

Would you excuse me a moment?

Right, after three.

One, two, three.

Hiya, this is Stella. Leave a message after the tone.

Give me a ring when you get this. I think I've sorted your problem.

Hey there, you two dogs.

No, bugger off.

Donna!

No!

Hiya.

Alan. Hi.

Where are you off to?

Usual. Iron in.

You look... Look, I'd better go.

Yeah, yeah, listen there.

Have a little present.

Answer me.

I'm going to take the fish.

Nice and toast.

Bit of mustard.

All right, keep your hair up!

Are you off to see your little Luke?

He's got a little no more, perhaps. He'll be 25 now in a few months.

Should be out by then, mind, isn't it?

Yes.

There you go.

Harvest Festival costume.

Left you to your imagination, like.

You pissed?

Slightly. But he is thriving.

Oh, it's rubbish, man, Paul.

At least it's the right colour.

And I will need it back tonight.

I thought harvest was autumn time.

Oh, it's not actually a harvest festival. It's a play, it is.

About, um, GM crops or something.

Oh, my Uncle Roger had them. Not deep.

You're

late.

I've got a yoga. I know. Only ten minutes, thanks.

Two of last week's shirts are on metal hangers. I won't tell you again.

Perhaps they wouldn't, or I'll leave it at the pole.

I don't think I've got a pole.

The Polish girl. Don't be deaf.

Any chance of a refill, Mrs B?

Oh, what am I like?

Do you want some Earl Grey this time, or some Lapsan Souchos?

Yeah, I'll give it a go, as long as it's hot.

All right? All right.

And do that red blouse on 30.

OK.

See you.

Yeah, see you.

Oh, look at this one.

She's drawn a little bear.

To my bumpy bear.

I'll miss you big bear cuddles.

Oh, that's sweet, isn't it, Megan?

Little granddaughter, I expect.

No, it's cleaner.

Serious? Yep.

He used to dress up as a bear and pour porridge over them both and she'd spank

him with a wooden spoon.

Was it hot, the porridge?

I don't know, do I?

Yeah, it wouldn't have scalded mine through the fur.

So I don't suppose it mattered.

It's funny what people are into, innit?

They say death do make you all need survival instinct or something. I don't

the attraction myself.

Bingo. 78.

I'm legal.

You ever done it in a skip?

No.

I have.

All right?

What are you doing here?

Seeing Palmer tonight, for Emma.

She never said you was coming.

She's my kid and all, you know.

No, she's not like you at all.

Can't remember a single time you came up to school with a kid.

Yeah, well, Nadine's up for a job, like. Classroom assistant. Nadine's coming as

well. Oh, she thought she'd come, so she could make a good impression, like.

Bloody hell, there's nowhere to park round here. It's disgusting.

There'd better be a space come to the job, Carl. That's all I'm saying.

All right, Star?

Yeah.

Got you in there. Got to find Ben, giving his costume.

Oh, don't worry. We'll sort him. Naz got a mate who works the costume shop in

town, like.

I got him a wee thing.

It's like a wee chief.

Hi.

So, what do you say? Thanks, Nadine.

Nadine. It's done then, hasn't it? Yeah.

Any time, Presh. Just glad we've got you out of a hole, that's all.

Put it on, then.

What about your one? The nana's sewing.

Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Nadine's one's much better than my nana.

Nadine. But you went to all that trouble.

To be daft, men.

Nothing.

Listen, we've got to go.

See Mr Palmer about Emma's exams.

See you at the show, OK?

Ma 'am.

Is that it in there?

Uh, yeah, don't worry.

Can Alex be father?

His mother forgot to do one.

Oh, that's disgusting, Alex.

Her own son.

I love kids, me.

All right, go on, then.

Tell him it's not as good as Nadine's one, all right?

Good luck, son.

Yeah, good luck.

Well, this brings back memories.

Not for me, it don't.

What, you never got suspended?

No.

Cane?

No.

Detention?

Of course I got detention. Everyone got detention.

I thought you two wasn't in a thing here.

We weren't, Carl's even older than me in a car.

Only by two years. Three, actually. Well, two and a bit, as it goes. I was

two years above him in school. He's got a body of a 30 -year -old of new birth.

Right.

Sorry to keep you, Mr and Mrs Morris.

Yes. And I'm Steph, ma 'am. No, yet you are. Nadine Bevan. You might recognise

me from my application form? Classroom assistant.

I love kids, me.

Right.

Come on in, then.

I still don't

see what your problem is, you dozy mare. I've never been so embarrassed in my

whole life.

I went there to tell him they had to make Emma put her exam. But what's the

point if she don't want to? She's a chip off the old block, man. The point is

that she can have a better life.

And that's face itself.

The girl is thick as shit, bless her. She's like me.

No, she's not.

What's the point of a wasting timer?

May as well get a scale with hairdressing and beauty and shit like

go anywhere, then.

Cruise ship. She'll ain't a fortune on the cruise, eh? Shut up, Nadine. Come

Look. You may have no ambition whatsoever for you a daughter, but I

And I want her to make the best of what she's got, to have a better life than to

make a better life than... A better life than you, you mean?

I don't want her waking up one day when she's 40 -odd. Divorced. With three

kids. One in prison. No qualification to her name and wondering when it all went

wrong. You have got a bit podgy mind. Shut up, Nadine. Wait in the car.

Podgy, I said, not fat.

Look, come on, man.

I know you want what's best, like...

She's our little girl.

But you've got to be realistic.

She wants to leave, Stella. You've got to let her.

You've got a bit of hanging out your nose. There.

Stop.

What's really bothering you, eh?

You can tell me, can you?

You're the mother of two of my children, for God's sake.

We were married for eight years.

I've seen your ass.

Don't say panini.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just feeling a bit old, I am.

Yeah, I know.

Come here.

Shh, no.

You think it's the men are portly?

lucky girl.

Lewis. Hi.

Paula Koch, Simpson's funeral services.

About your late mother.

I thought you'd be a broke like.

Can I first of all offer my deepest condolences to you and your family?

Gone old family.

My wife left six weeks ago.

Did she?

Have you been drinking?

No. Right.

You better come in now.

Just a minute. Ma 'am!

Ma 'am!

It's not you.

I'll get up them stairs.

Ma 'am!

Ma 'am!

What are you doing wearing my clothes?

What are you doing taking that pill?

Please take it away.

I can't believe Mamma's gone.

I thought every day, oh, we'd speak on the phone.

How in God's name am I going to manage without her?

Is she upstairs?

Aye.

I'll take you up.

Up there.

Very well.

There's something you should know, Mrs... Mrs.

Cosh, is it?

You can't call me Paula.

Well, the thing is, Paula, I've already bought Mum a coffin.

You think that's weird, don't you?

Depends.

Oak.

I've got 54 minutes.

Excellent.

There's no point shouting at me. It's not going to stop me. I have drilled it

into you since you were this high. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

Yeah, I know, but I don't want it ahead of me. I want it on top of me like now.

I'm not a boy, ma 'am.

And I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. I'm 16.

You're showing off. Who am I showing off in front of? You know what I mean.

Don't say that.

Look.

And he's the only one I've done it with.

Most of my friends would at least say hurt.

I love him, ma 'am. He's amazing. He's my soul mate. I'll be sick.

But he is.

Anyway, you can talk. You was having sex at my age. You had love. At least I'm

on the pill. Go on. Throw that back in my face, why don't you? Well, it's true,

isn't it?

Emma, you're too young. I was too young. I messed up my whole life and I don't

know you making the same stupid mistakes that I did.

I don't look stupid mistake now, is it that nice? No, I didn't mean it like

that. Why are you being so thick, ma 'am?

Everyone does what he did.

Trudy Lewis. I've been doing it since year nine. I'm Gemma Price. You are not

Trudy Lewis or Emma Price.

Gemma. It's Gemma Price.

Sweetheart.

You can have more choices than I did, that's all.

There's plenty of time for sex.

All right.

You're playing your age, is it?

Because you're at it day and night, aren't you? Got a whole string of men

knocking on your door wanting to shag the arse off you.

I'm late for bed's play.

I think the ladders go in this end.

Needs a new line in.

Rubbing you, is it, babe?

Yeah, a little bit.

I'm doing casserole for tea.

Oh. Now, we'll have that collie with it, shall we?

It's on the turn, like.

Right.

Pull me out. I've got to get up to school.

How come?

I lent something to Stella. I've got to get it back.

I'll be home after that.

Ah, you want to play later?

I'll be a plumber or man from Skye.

No, love.

You need to rest your leg.

We'll save it up, is it?

I don't know.

Little Alan's playing a marrow. Oh, I heard.

Stel, we'll be here, kid.

All right, Dad? All right, Mum?

Hello, Dad.

Exciting, isn't it?

Yeah. Hi, Stel.

Hiya. Little Alan's playing a marrow.

Great. How's Ben?

Nervous? Does he know his lines?

Well, he didn't have to see me, actually. He'd just stand there being a

weakling.

Chief. Oh, don't spoil it for me now. Don't tell me what happens.

Oh.

Hello.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, well... Idrith, well... Lost his wife last week.

You were in school with his daughter.

Plus, yeah, it's only four hours.

She's to be massive.

We had a fight once, me and her. School trip to Doddington, outside the bouncy

castle.

Aubergine.

Aubergine.

It's an aubergine, babe.

It's an aubergine.

I am the chief.

The chief of the wheat. I stand all day in... Ben was meant to wear

that. Nadine got it for him. Where is he, then? Where's Ben?

What, Benny boy?

You find me on cobs, you find me in flakes.

I make kissy pops.

And sometimes make kicks.

That's my mummy's dress.

You stole my mummy's dress.

Please, get away from the stage.

Oi, what do you think you're doing, Lisa Howells?

Lisa, sit down, come on. Get away from my bus! No one touches my mammy's thing.

What do you want about it? It's my friend's, Nanny.

No, it's not.

It's my mammy's!

Oh,

I haven't forgotten.

Don't intend me to howl.

It is part of the play.

Too beautiful, Mac.

She was wearing it and she was actually dead.

It's not catching style, being dead.

It's not like measles or something.

And I'd better get it back before they lose it.

Did you hear that?

This boy of yours, loyal as a blind dog, didn't wear Nadine's costume. He didn't

want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, please, you're so sweet. Oh, Mum.

She and me sister's no more like you. Oh, you've fallen out again.

Oh, it's nothing.

She's just very rude and offensive and common and doesn't have any respect for

her mother whatsoever.

Have I heard that before?

I'm this way.

You all right to drive, Paul? Yeah, two points under. See you.

Yeah. Bye, then. Ta -ra, Paul.

Ta -ra.

Paul.

Police,

please.

stolen my hair.

Not my purr. My hair.

You don't know the meaning of novelty until you hear me speak.

Dirty, dirty bitch.

Hey, Cranford's on. Just started.

And it's a good one. Who are you with?

There's no need to panic, Mr. Koch.

Your wife's been the victim of a crime.

What happened? What's going on?

She's had her hearth stolen.

What, up at the school show?

Yeah.

Little bastard.

Well, they take it from her bag?

No, not her purse.

Her hearth.

I tell you what. Why don't you go and make us all a nice cuppa and I can get

more details from you.

Aye, aye, aye. I'll just take the kettle on.

Hold on.

Oh, I got it.

What? Very good.

Very good.

No, Di, this is serious.

They've really stolen it.

Yeah, right.

No, they have.

This is no joke, Mr. Cosh. Car theft is a serious crime.

And has anybody been reprimanded yet, officer?

Has anybody been caught?

Di, you've got it wrong.

What are you going to do when you catch him, officer? Di!

You'll have to cuff him, will you?

Bloody good uniforms you've got, Paul.

Better than that one you got from Marshalls.

Right! Oh, my God! You're welcome!

Play these games, all right?

Quit. All right.

Have a go.

OK.

Do you remember his lines?

Yeah, I did.

It was an Afghani.

Right, Ben, I'm going upstairs to call Aunty Paula.

Third and ten minutes, please.

Childish. I'll go and live with Nana and Gunther.

Yeah, might be better if you did.

She's really upset.

Shut up, Arsene.

Ma, Emma, call me an Arsene.

Good call. Good call. Off you go. Ready?

Yes, man. Go.

Good call, Sam.

Excellent.

Down. Long arm. Long arm.

Excellent. Working the line. Ready and off.

OK, boys, here you come.

Come here.

We've got a new boy today, right?

He's part of the team.

So I don't want no shit off him on the boot.

Got me?

All right, back on the drill.

All right?

All right, here we go. Back with it.

Where's Ben?

Playing chess.

Are you still not talking to Emma?

No, I won't be spoken to like that, Paul. It would be disgusting.

You sound like Nadine.

You used to go weeks not speaking to your mother.

And you wanted the same with you and Emma.

She effectively called me a dried -up old maid.

Yeah, well, two -thirds, doesn't it? What?

When did you last have sex?

I've got nothing to do with it. Now, when did you last have sex?

Ain't no good girl. We can't all be like you and I, all right? Most people

aren't at it three times a week. All right.

I don't want to know. He's my brother.

Two Christmases ago, that fella from Newport made that funny clucking sound

me. Oh, my God, Liam, do you remember details like that? Not many of them,

You idiot.

Not really.

She's on her last legs, Brooke.

Bloody hell.

Ben?

Are you playing rugby?

No, you haven't. You've been playing chair.

It's cool. Can I go next week? Al thinks I'm really good.

Don't you?

Hang on a minute.

I've never seen nothing like it.

I thought he'd be shit.

All the boys did.

I thought the cake was heading and everything.

Truly, fast as a bastard.

Could be another Jonathan.

Ross?

David. Well done, kid. We'll have you playing for Wales now. Oh, don't

him, Diamond.

Go in the shower, please.

OK. See you, Al. See you later, Al. Bye.

I think he wanted to surprise you.

Oh, bless him.

Yeah, well, thanks.

No, no, thank you.

Still, there's a... There's a bit of a... Do on.

At the club like tonight.

Kerry Buffer in the free pint.

If you fancy going, I can pay for yours if you want.

Oh, Helen, I couldn't.

It's not a problem.

It's only three pound.

No, I didn't mean... I mean, it's very nice of you to ask and that.

Three pound?

It's a bargain, man.

Yeah, I think that's a brilliant idea.

Can we indict him? Because we were just saying earlier we needed a night out,

weren't we, staff?

Aye, OK.

Can't pay for you two as well, mate.

Wouldn't dream of it, but... Well, see if they're about seven, is that?

All right, all right.

It's a date.

No, it's not a date.

Alan.

It's not a date.

No, no.

Turn the praise light.

Well done, girl.

Back in the saddle.

Don't even speak to me.

Is Alan your boyfriend now?

Don't be daft, man.

Your lipstick on.

It's only Carrie Buffa.

Buffay.

Still a night out, innit?

Why do I have to go to Nana's? When Emma's here.

Well, because Emma might want to go out.

How do you know? You haven't spoken to her for three days.

We weren't doing all.

Okay.

I'm going to this curry thing. It's on a rugby club.

Ben's going to nana's.

What about you two?

God, I don't know, ma 'am. All right?

All right.

Bloody hell.

Don't say I didn't try.

May I?

Aye, you're all right.

Where's Paula?

She's tucking in.

All right?

Beautiful. Hey, how's things with Emma?

Oh, I don't know.

Did you get drunk?

Shall we get drunk?

Shall we get drunk?

I got us a table. Well, a third of a table.

Just like.

Stella, curry.

Ladies first, ladies first.

wouldn't she?

Who might this be?

An Afghan hound.

Sleek.

Oh, God!

That's 1982!

I know!

Look at this!

Why am I so old?

You're not as old as Glenn. Or Marge. Or me.

46 in June.

Fit as a butcher's dog.

Give the pig a leg injury.

We've got a raffle coming up in just a minute.

Hi. Got you a raffle ticket.

50p a strip.

Aw, thanks, Al.

Whoa, easy tiger. What do you think you're doing?

Sorry, I just thought that, you know, the curry buffet, the music.

The raffle.

I think more than a three -pound chicken tikka to get me into bed, good boy.

Just thought it was about the chance, that's all.

Everybody said you're desperate.

Oh, show me. Who told you that?

It wasn't me.

Oh, remember this?

Come on.

Come on, you two.

Shouldn't we see you to the door?

No. Come out to my house, if you like.

I've got Cluedo.

Mousetrap. Not tonight, Josephine.

We've got a little game of our own to be playing.

Packaroo?

Yes, something like that.

OK, au revoir.

Nostradamus.

Where's Sunil?

Gone home.

I had a brilliant night.

You two had a row or something?

No.

Switch that off a minute, babes.

We make friends.

Oh, you said.

Look,

it wouldn't have bothered me if it weren't true.

I have gone to the dogs a bit.

Gone a bit lazy -like.

But I'm going to make more of an effort from now on, all right? I'm only 42.

It's not the end of the world, for God's sake.

And I've been thinking tonight, and don't laugh, right?

But how about if I do some GCSEs of them then?

I mean, I've got more time on my hands now. You and Ben are getting older.

You can even do them together if you don't want to stay on in school.

You can sign up for the tech together. What do you reckon?

Man, I'm pregnant.

Don't be stupid. You're on the pill.

I've been to see the doctor and everything.

Twelve weeks.

You're going to be a nana.

But you don't tell your father, you don't tell Nadine, and you don't believe

word of it, and Hannah Mead will come up there.

Fucking hell, Stella.

Can you believe it? Where is she? You were going to love being a nana.

There's nothing cocky like it.

We'd be happy to give them the flat upstairs, for instance.

We'll only do that if they get married.

That's the deal.

Oh, my God, I don't know your name.

Hey, Sean.

Hiya, I'm Stella.

All right.