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A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

♪ ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

FROM THE HISTORIC LINCOLN THEATER

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

DAVE CHAPPELLE !

( cheers and applause )

THANK YOU !

THANK YOU, THANK YOU !

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

ALRIGHT...

BOY...

Y'ALL MAKE IT GOOD TO COME HOME, BOY, I SWEAR.

I KNOW, MAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

D.C.'s DIFFERENT !

I BEEN GONE, MAN, IT TOOK ME YEARS

TO GET TO DO THIS SHOW, BOY, D.C. HAS CHANGED.

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.

( laughter )

THERE'S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE WALKIN' AROUND, ISN'T THERE ?

( applause )

I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s, IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s.

WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON,

REMEMBER WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON ?

THE WHITE PEOPLE'D BE LOOKIN' AT D.C. FROM VIRGINIA

WITH BINOCULARS AND SHIT.

"WELL, THAT LOOKS DANGEROUS.

NOT YET."

NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE.

I TRIED.

ROLLED UP ON 'EM, "BOO !"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"

( applause )

"THOSE DAYS ARE OVER."

I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU SEE WHITE PEOPLE COME BY

AND THAT'S GOOD.

THE ONE THING I'M SEEING,

YOU'LL BE WALKING DOWN THE STREET

AND YOU'LL SEE A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,

NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES, WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW,

"THUGS".

THERE'D BE SOME THUGS, AND IN THE GROUP,

THEY GOT ONE OR TWO, SOMETIMES AS MANY

AS THREE WHITE GUYS WILL BE WITH THEM,

DID YA EVER SEE THAT SHIT ?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE WHITE GUYS.

THOSE WHITE GUYS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKERS

IN THEM GROUPS.

( applause )

WELL, IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE, MAN.

AIN'T NO TELLIN' WHAT THEY'VE DONE

TO GET THEM BLACK DUDE'S RESPECT.

BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES HAVE SEEN THEM DO

SOME WILD SHIT, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I BEEN TRYING TO TELL BROTHERS THAT.

EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST

ONE WHITE GUY IN IT.

I'M SERIOUS, FOR SAFETY.

'CAUSE WHEN THE SHIT GOES DOWN,

SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED TO TALK TO THE POLICE.

( laughter )

THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND COMES IN HANDY.

"UH-OH, ERNIE, WANNA GET THIS ONE ?

C'MON NOW, C'MON, DO SOMETHIN'."

SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE.

THAT IS A BIG PART OF OUR CULTURE.

IT DON'T MATTER HOW RICH YOU ARE,

HOW OLD YOU ARE.

WE'RE JUST AFRAID OF 'EM.

WE GOT EVERY REASON TO BE AFRAID OF THEM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, YOU'RE A WHITE LADY,

YOU EVER BEEN PULLED OVER BEFORE ?

AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?

LET ME SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE

AND YOUR REGISTRATION, RIGHT ?

SEE, SEE, I'M JUST GUESSING.

THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

"SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ?

"EXCUSE ME ?!"

"YOU HEARD ME, SPREAD OPEN YOUR CHEEKS

AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

I GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE, TOO.

IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS TO PROVE WHO I AM.

WHAT DOES THAT PROVE ?

I CAN'T GO TO THE BANK LIKE THAT.

CASH MY CHECK.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY I.D. ?"

"WAIT A MINUTE."

( applause )

"OH, OH, I'M SORRY MR. CHAPPELLE,

"RIGHT THIS WAY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS IN THE BEGINNING ?"

SCARED OF 'EM.

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

YOU EVER BEEN AT A RED LIGHT,

THE POLICE MIGHT PULL UP NEXT TO YOU ?

IT WON'T BE NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU,

BUT, I FUCKIN' FALL APART.

"OH, OH, MAN.

NO, DON'T LOOK OVER THERE, NO, NO."

BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW THERE WAS A BLACK THING,

IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

I LEARNED THAT SHIT IN NEW YORK,

I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY.

( applause )

I WAS HANGING OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW, WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT,

AND WE WERE LOST IN THE CITY,

YOU KNOW, WE WERE SMOKING A JOINT.

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A COINCIDENCE

THAT WE WERE LOST AND HIGH, AND SHIT,

BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY, HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.

"DAVE, DAVE !

IT'S THE GODAMN COPS."

( laughter )

"I'M GONNA ASK 'EM FOR DIRECTIONS."

I SAID, "CHIP, NO ! CHIP, DON'T DO IT !

IT WAS TOO LATE.

HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE, THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT.

"EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, SIR."

TOUCHING HIM AND SHIT, "EXCUSE ME.

I NEED SOME INFORMATION."

HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS.

"I'M A LITTLE HIGH...

ALL I WANNA KNOW, WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"

THE COP WAS LIKE, "HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

"YOU'RE ON THIRD STREET.

"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL, GO AHEAD, MOVE IT.

MOVE IT."

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S THE END OF THE STORY.

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU,

BUT, YOU ASK ONE OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,

THAT SHIT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ?

A BLACK MAN WOULD NEVER DREAM

OF TALKING TO THE POLICE HIGH.

THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED.

( laughter and applause )

I'M SERIOUS.

I'D BE SCARED OF TALKING TO THE POLICE

WHEN I'M SLEEPY !

FUCK AROUND, GET THE WRONG IDEAS.

"OH !"

"OH, MY GOD !

"THAT NIGGER WAS ON PCP, JOHNSON !

"I HAD TO USE NECESSARY FORCE.

"YOU SAW HIM !

"NO, NO, NO, NO PAPERWORK.

"JUST SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM,

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

THAT'S HOW IT IS, BUT, AT THE TIME,

I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP, YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY,

YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL."

BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME, ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.

NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING, CHIP IS DRIVING,

AND HE'S DRIVING A LITTLE CRAZY.

HE'S BEEN DRINKING.

NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,

I COULDN'T REALLY SAY SHIT TO THE GUY !

BUT, WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,

WE STOP AT A RED LIGHT,

AND A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO US,

AND, I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE'S ALL DRUNK,

AND HE'S LIKE, "DAVE,

I'M GONNA RACE 'EM."

I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

BUT, I WAS HIGH.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA,

BUT, ALL THAT CAME OUT WAS,

"WELL, NIGGER, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA RACE, I DON'T KNOW."

( wild applause )

MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN AND CHIP TOOK OFF !

ZIG ZAGGIN' AND SHIT, SO, NO ONE COULD PASS,

THE OTHER CAR DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE WAS RACIN' !

THEN THE POLICE SEEN US AND PULLED US OVER.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M SCARED AS SHIT.

I MEAN, COME ON, THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED,

WE'VE BEEN SPEEDING, THIS MAN IS FUCKING DRUNK !

I'M SCARED.

CHIP WAS NOT SCARED AT ALL.

IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN,

ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?

I MEAN, IF YOU GET PULLED OVER,

WOULDN'T YOU TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN ?

NOBODY WANNA GET THEIR ASS BEAT

TO A SOUNDTRACK AND SHIT.

( laughter )

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

CHIP HAD THE MUSIC BLASTING...

♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT ♪

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "DAVE, JUST RELAX.

"CLOSE YOUR BUTT CHEEKS, RELAX !

LET ME DO THE TALKING."

WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SAID ?

THIS IS ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT, HE SAYS, "OH, OH...

"SORRY, OFFICER, I...

I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT."

I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED !

THE COP SAID, "WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

GET OUTTA HERE, JUST GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE."

CHIP SAID, "OKAY, I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.

"WHAT ?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

"I DIDN'T KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT."

HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD, WASN'T IT ?!

BECAUSE I DID KNOW I COULDN'T DO THAT !"

( laughing )

( audience howling )

I WAS SHOCKED.

I WASN'T SHOCKED AT THE AUDACITY,

I WAS JUST SHOCKED BECAUSE I WOULD'VE

NEVER THOUGHT TO SAY THAT.

I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WE KNOW THE LAW.

EVERY BLACK DUDE IN THIS ROOM

IS A QUALIFIED PARALEGAL AND SHIT,

HE KNOWS THE LAW.

IF ONE OF US EVEN START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG,

THE OLD BLACK MAN WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE,

"NIGGER, DON'T DO THAT, THAT'S 5-TO-10 !

WATCH OUT !"

BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS AND THE PENALTIES.

NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE.

I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T LIKE POLICE,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M SAYING I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

SOMETIMES, WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO.

SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY HOUSE ONCE,

THAT'S A GOOD TIME TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO,

UH-UH, UH-UH.

THE HOUSE WAS TOO NICE.

IT AIN'T A REAL NICE HOUSE,

BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE I LIVED IN IT.

THEY'D BE LIKE, "HE'S STILL HERE !

"OH, MY GOD !

"OPEN AND SHUT CASE, JOHNSON !

"I SAW THIS ONCE BEFORE WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE.

"APPARENTLY, THIS NIGGER BROKE IN

"AND HUNG UP PICTURES OF HIS FAMILY EVERYWHERE.

"WELL, LET'S SPRINKLE SOME CRACK ON HIM

AND GET OUTTA HERE !"

AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.

SEE, THAT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW.

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN ONLY MINORITIES

REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US,

BUT, YOU WERE A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

AND, I MEAN, I DON'T BLAME YOU,

AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.

IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"HONEY, DID YOU SEE THIS ?

"APPARENTLY THE POLICE HAVE BEEN BEATING UP NEGROES

"LIKE HOTCAKES !

IT'S IN THE MAY ISSUE."

I MEAN, REALLY, HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ?

HOW COULD ANYONE ELSE KNOW ?

I MEAN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING

A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,

JUST A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS ?

EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON THE POLICE FIND

HAS CRACK SPRINKLED ALL OVER THEM ?

C'MON, MAN.

WHO GETS SHOT AND SPRINKLES CRACK ON THEMSELVES ?

NOBODY WOULD DO THAT.

BAM !

"OH, OH... "

( laughter and applause )

"I DON'T WANNA LEAVE NO MYSTERIES."

I'M A PARANOID GUY, YOU KNOW, SO,

I'D BE SCARED TO CALL 911 FOR ANYTHING.

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE A FIRE OR ANYTHING.

'CAUSE THEY TAPE THOSE PHONE CALLS.

I SEE THE SHOWS, THEY TAPE 'EM,

AND THEN THEY PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING IF I'M SCARED,

THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE, YOU KNOW ?

WHAT IF I GET KILLED ?

THEY START PLAYING THAT 911 TAPE ON THE NEWS,

I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT.

THEY'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS,

"WE HAVE REG CHAPMAN ON THE SCENE, REG ?

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE ?"

IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY ON THE SCENE A MINUTE.

"HI, BOB !

"HI, YES, WE JUST GOT HOLD OF A COPY

"OF DAVE CHAPPELLE'S FRANTIC,

911 EMERGENCY CALL.

"REMEMBER VIEWERS, SOME OF THIS LANGUAGE IS DISTURBING."

"HELLO, EMERGENCY."

"HELP !

HELP, MOTHERFUCKER, THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !"

"JUST CALM DOWN, SIR, WHERE ARE YOU ?"

"OH, OH, I SHIT ON MYSELF !

I CAN'T STOP CRYING."

THEY'LL PLAY THAT SHIT 30, 40 TIMES A DAY.

ALL MY BUDDIES WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,

LOOKING AT ME.

"YOU KNOW DAVE SHIT ON HIMSELF RIGHT AFTER THE BULLET ?

"I SAW IT ON THE NEWS.

DIED CRYING LIKE A BITCH."

I'LL BE DEAD, I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF.

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO,

THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO.

I MEAN, IT'S A 911 TAPE.

HOW DO THEY EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ?

OF COURSE, YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

NOBODY CALLS 911 COOL AND RELAXED.

NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD SOUND RIDICULOUS.

"HELLO, EMERGENCY."

"HI !

HEY, 911, HOW ARE YA ?

"YEAH, AH, LOOK,

"THERE'S A GROUP OF HOODED WHITE MEN

"GATHERING OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY MEAN BUSINESS."

"GET OUT HERE, NIGGER !"

"I GOTTA GO."

( applause )

"YOU GUYS TRY AND HURRY."

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM, I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE.

SOMETIMES PRESSURE MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT.

I'M SERIOUS.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT SOCIAL PRESSURE,

YOU EVER TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO'S FAKE,

AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?

THEY COMING TO YOU LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

I DON'T EVEN TALK LIKE THAT.

I GET SICK OF THAT SHIT.

I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK.

SOMETIMES, I'LL TALK CRAZY

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER,

Y'ALL DO THAT ?

YOU START TALKING LIKE CRAZY.

YOU EVER HEAR THIS VOICE ?

( Cagney voice ) "YEAH...

THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS USED TO TALK IN THE 40s.

IN THE OLD DAYS.

SEE, I TALK LIKE THAT.

NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT,

IF SOMEBODY PUT THE PRESSURE ON ME,

FUCK IT, I GOTTA CUT LOOSE.

WHEN THE POLICE PULL ME OVER, I'LL TALK CRAZY.

"SON, SON,

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE PULLED YOU OVER ?"

( Cagney voice ) "YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M BLACK, SEE, YEEAAAHHH !"

( applause )

I'LL DO IT,

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL TO TALK LIKE THAT.

HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?

"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT !"

"STOP TALKING LIKE WHAT, 'COPPER ?!

"HA, THAT'S HOW I TALK, SEE ?!"

YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE INTERESTING LIKE THAT,

'CAUSE THIS SHIT IS FLIMSY.

LIFE IS FLIMSY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIVE FOREVER,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE, WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I TRAVEL, NOW, YOU KNOW.

I USED TO THINK D.C. HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS

IN THE COUNTRY.

NO, NIGGER, UH-UH.

I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT NOW.

OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH, ROUGH AREAS

OUTSIDE OF D.C.

EVERYBODY SHOULD GO TO THE GHETTO.

I WAS TAKEN TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME,

AND THAT'S THE WORST.

WHEN YOU GET TAKEN AND YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GO.

USUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO THE GHETTO,

LIKE, I'M GONNA SEE SOME WILD SHIT,

I GOTTA PREPARE MYSELF.

I'M GONNA SEE SOMETHING CRAZY.

WHEN YOU'RE TAKEN, IT'S DIFFERENT.

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER, IT WAS AFTER A SHOW,

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,

IT WAS LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING,

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,

HE WAS A NICE GUY, TALKING TO ME AND SHIT.

"OH, HEY, WHERE YOU FROM, DOG ?

"D.C., WORD ?

THAT'S A ROUGH CITY, MAN."

AND THE CELL PHONE STARTED RINGING,

"HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.

"HELLO ?

"OH, WHAT'S UP, NIGGER, WHAT ?

"SLOW DOWN, WHAT THE FUCK ?

"NO, NO... !

NO, FUCK THAT, NIGGER, FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !"

( wild applause )

"HEY...

"I GOTTA MAKE A STOP REAL QUICK."

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST.

I STARTED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?"

"GUN STORE, GUN STORE, LIQUOR STORE, GUN STORE...

"WHERE THE FUCK YOU TAKING ME ?!

THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD."

HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING

THAT LOOKED LIKE A PROJECT.

NOW, I'D NEVER BEEN THERE BEFORE,

I'M NOT SURE IF IT WAS A PROJECT, BUT,

IT CERTAINLY HAD ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS

OF A PROJECT.

A FUCKIN' CRACK-HEAD RAN THIS WAY...

( laughter )

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.

THE DRIVER SAID, "I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

AND LEFT ME,

TOOK THE KEYS WITH HIM AND JUST LEFT ME.

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

IN FRONT OF A PROJECT IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE !

THIS WAS NOT GOOD.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I GOTTA LOOK AROUND

"AND SEE IF I CAN SEE SOME LANDMARKS

"AND FIGURE OUT WHERE I'M AT.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ESCAPE ON FOOT."

NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU ONLY SEE THIS IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.

REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BABY STANDIN' ON THE CORNER !

THERE WAS !

AND THE BABY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK SCARED,

HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE.

I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD, IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP THE BABY.

"HMM, I DON'T TRUST YOU EITHER, SORRY !"

THE OLD BABY-ON-THE-CORNER TRICK, EH ?

I'M NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT SHIT.

WHERE'S THIS LIMOUSINE DRIVER ?

YOU KNOW, I START FEELING BAD.

AS TIME GOES BY, I START FEELING WORSE.

MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

I'M SCARED OF A BABY.

AND THIS BABY COULD BE IN TROUBLE,

HE MIGHT NEED MY HELP.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

BUT, I WASN'T GONNA GET OUT OF THE CAR.

I'M SERIOUS, MAN,

I JUST CRACKED THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT.

IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE, I CAN ROLL IT DOWN.

"HEY, BABY !

"BABY, GO HOME, MAN.

"IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP ?!"

THE BABY SAID, "I'M SELLING WEED, NIGGER !"

I SAID, "OH, SHIT !"

( loud applause and laughter )

I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT !

I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY TWO BAGS FROM HIM

TO CALM MY NERVES.

I GOT BACK IN THE CAR AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN.

THAT SHIT WAS SCARY, MAN,

AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

A CRACK-HEAD WOULD COME UP TO THE CAR

AND LOOK IN THE WINDOW.

IT WAS LIKE "JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT,

HE'D BE LOOKING IN THE CAR...

I SAID, "GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !"

THAT BABY WAS STILL STANDING THERE, MAN.

THEN I STARTED FEELING BAD AGAIN.

YOU KNOW HOW WEED MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY SOMETIMES ?

"MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT WEED FROM AN INFANT."

I CAN'T CONDONE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

WHAT AM I THINKING ?

I CAN'T LET THE FEAR RUIN MY MORALS.

GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

"HEY, BABY, STOP SELLING WEED, ALRIGHT ?

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU."

HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, NIGGER, I GOT KIDS TO FEED !"

I WAS LIKE, "GOD-DAMN !"

SAD !

AND, JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT,

A CRACK-HEAD WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET

AND GOT HIT BY A CAR.

NOW, I KNOW IT WAS A HIT-AND-RUN.

THE POLICE DID IT.

THAT'S ALRIGHT,

THEY SPRINKLED SOME CRACK ON HIM AND HE GOT BACK UP !

( applause )

YOU KNOW, I'D BE SEEIN' THAT KINDA SHIT, MAN.

THEY USE THE TV TO PROGRAM US,

FROM A YOUNG AGE.

YOU EVER WATCH LIKE, A CARTOON,

THAT YOU USED TO WATCH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,

AS AN ADULT ?

THAT SHIT IS SOME WILD SHIT.

I MEAN, LIKE, I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW,

WE WERE SITTING THERE, WE WERE WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,

I SAID, "NOW, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY

"'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY.

I USED TO WATCH HIM WHEN I WAS LITTLE."

AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU, BUT, I'M OLD NOW.

I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE, "GOOD, GOD !

WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN' RAPIST IS THIS GUY ?!"

LIKE, "TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!"

MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE, CRACKING UP.

( laughter )

"SEE, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA TAKE THE PUSSY, LIKE PEPE !"

I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, NO,

NO !"

I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL REAL QUICK.

I TURNED ON "SESAME STREET".

I SAID, "WHEW ! SESAME STREET.

"THIS IS MUCH BETTER

'CAUSE NOW HE'LL LEARN HOW TO COUNT AND SPELL."

BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT, AS AN ADULT,

AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET" TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.

IT TEACHES KIDS HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE,

AND LABEL PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY GOT A CHARACTER ON THERE NAMED, OSCAR.

THEY TREAT THIS GUY LIKE SHIT,

THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THEY JUDGE HIM RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

"OSCAR, YOU ARE SO MEAN.

ISN'T HE KIDS ?"

"YEAH, OSCAR, YOU'RE A GROUCH !"

HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN !

"I'M THE POOREST MOTHERFUCKER ON "SESAME STREET" !

NOBODY'S HELPING ME."

THEN YOU WONDER WHY YOUR KIDS ROLL UP

AND STEP OVER HOMELESS PEOPLE.

"GET IT TOGETHER, GROUCH."

"GET A JOB, GROUCH."

SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET",

THAT IS A TERRIBLE PLACE.

I WOULDN'T GO THERE IF I KNEW THE WAY.

WHO WOULD WANNA LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT ?

FUCKIN' SIX FOOT PIGEONS WALKING AROUND,

AND AN ELEPHANT THAT'S A JUNKIE.

"HI, BIRD."

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, SNUFFY !

"HI, BIRD, I'M SICK, I NEED SOME SMACK, BIRD !"

THE COOKIE MONSTER,

WITH HIS EYES POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD,

SCREAMIN', "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE !"

WHAT KIND OF COOKIES ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?!

CHOCOLATE CHIPS DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.

THEY DIDN'T COME OUT AND SAY, HE'S A PIMP.

BUT, I KNOW A PIMP WHEN I SEE ONE.

THEY CALLED HIM, "THE COUNT".

HE HAS A CAPE AND EVERYTHING.

YOU CAN JUST SEE HIM PIMPIN'.

"BITCH, WHERE IS MY MONEY ?

"YOU'VE BEEN LATE FOUR TIMES,

"I'VE BEEN COUNTING.

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT ?

"ONE, TWO !

TWO SMACKS... !"

( wild applause and laughter )

THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU KNOW,

THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW, AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE BE TELLING ME,

"DAVE, YOU KNO YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX,

THE RACISM THING IS BUGGIN' YOU TOO MUCH."

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING HAPPEN

THAT WAS SO RACIST,

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET MAD ?

YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "GODAMN, THAT WAS RACIST !"

I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT, YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !"

LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN TO YOU,

IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING MOVIE.

LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING "MISSISSIPPI BURNING",

"WOW, THAT HAPPENED TO ME, I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI."

I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI, DOIN' A SHOW,

AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT TO ORDER SOME FOOD,

AND, I SAY TO THE GUY, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "

AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,

"THE CHICKEN !"

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ?!"

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT SHIT.

THIS MAN WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I SAID, "HOW DID HE KNOW,

THAT I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

"COME ON BUDDY, COME ON BUDDY.

"NOW, EVERYBODY KNEW, AS SOON AS YOU WALKED THROUGH

"THE GODDAMNED DOOR,

"YOU WERE GONNA GET SOME CHICKEN.

"IT IS NO SECRET DOWN HERE

"THAT BLACKS AND CHICKENS

ARE QUITE FOND OF ONE ANOTHER."

THEN I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

AND I GOT UPSET.

I WASN'T EVEN MAD, I WAS JUST UPSET.

I WASN'T READY TO HEAR THAT SHIT.

ALL THESE YEARS, I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN

'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS.

TURNS OUT I'M GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO LIKING CHICKEN !

BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

I GOT NO SAY IN THE MATTER.

THAT GUY RUINED CHICKEN FOR ME.

NOW I'M SCARED TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC.

I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY TO SEE ME AND SAY...

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE EATING SOME CHICKEN...

"LOOK AT HIM.

"HE LOVES IT !

"JUST LIKE IT SAID IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA.

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS."

SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.

LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS BE CRAZY.

THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES REALLY COLLIDE.

SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER.

SOMETIMES IT WORKS, SOMETIMES IT DON'T.

THIS IS ONE THING THAT HAPPENS THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, I'LL BE ON A BUSINESS CALL,

LIKE WITH A LAWYER OR SOMETHING,

AND, YOU KNOW, MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...

WE'LL BE ON A CALL, RIGHT ?

AND, THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, OKAY, DAVE, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?"

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S COOL FOR ME."

"GREAT, GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT, YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE."

"WELL, ALRIGHT, BYE-BYE."

( laughter )

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, RIGHT ?

SO, SOMETIMES, I'LL MAKE UP SHIT

THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG,

JUST TO SEE HOW THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT.

THE SAME BUSINESS CALL,

"ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

"YEAH, IT SOUNDS GOOD TO ME."

"GREAT, YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

"ALRIGHT, BUDDY, ZIP IT UP,

AND ZIP IT OUT !"

"UHH...

ALRIGHT, ZIPPITY-DO-DAH, BYE-BYE !"

SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN.

IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY.

BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS, IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.

I'M SERIOUS.

THIS ONE TIME, RACISM SAVED MY LIFE, MAN.

I WAS ON A PLANE...

I WAS COMING FROM OVERSEAS, AND,

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE,

BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN, HE SAID,

( Pakistani accent ) "EVERYBODY,

"GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND !

NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE !"

I STARTED FREAKING OUT.

'CAUSE HE WAS CHINESE,

I WAS LIKE, WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE THAT ?

HE WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING.

I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER ON THE PLANE.

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER.

I LOOKED OVER, THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE.

HE WAS FROM NIGERIA.

I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN' RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN.

HE DIDN'T SAY TWO WORDS TO ME,

HE JUST LOOKED AT ME, HE WAS LIKE...

HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK, I KNEW JUST WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,

I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US,

THEY WERE LIKE, "HUH, OH, MY GOD !

( whispering ) I THINK THOSE BLACK GUYS ARE GONNA TRY TO SAVE US."

"MM-MMM !"

( applause )

WE WERE JUST COMMUNICATIN'

THAT WE UNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION.

WE WERE BOTH SEEING THE SAME THING.

WHAT WE UNDERSTOOD WAS SIMPLE.

TERRORISTS DON'T TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I HAVE YET TO SEE ONE OF US ON THE NEWS

READING THE HOSTAGE LETTER.

"THEY IS TREATING US GOOD.

"UH, WE ALL CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

"I'D LIKE TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT

TO RAY-RAY AND BIG STEVE... "

( wild applause )

YOU'RE NOT GONNA SEE IT.

TERRORISTS ARE SMART.

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING THERE, YOU KNOW ?

THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

THEY KNOW BLACK PEOPLES ARE BAD BARGAINING CHIPS.

THEY CALLED THE WHITE HOUSE,

"HELLO, WE HAVE GOT FIVE BLACK...

HELLO ?!"

BACK IN D.C.,

YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ?

THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR,

I'M ASKING YOU, YOU'RE A WHITE GUY,

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ?

DON'T KNOW, DO YOU ?

NOW, YOU SEE THAT ?

YOU SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE ?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT IS CULTURAL THING.

HE KNOWS WHO HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR,

HE'S JUST NOT GONNA TELL ME.

SEE...

I'VE NOTICED THAT, THAT IS A CULTURAL THING.

WHITE PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

THEIR POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS.

IT'S A SECRET.

DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ?

"HEY, BOB, WHO ARE YOU GONNA VOTE FOR ?"

"DAVE, DAVE, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

"TAKE IT EASY NOW, TAKE IT EASY.

"SO, ANYWAY, I WAS FUCKING MY WIFE IN HER ASS, RIGHT ?

AND, I MEAN, IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR ?"

"DAVE, DAVE, COME ON WITH THE VOTING.

"I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT FUCKING MY WIFE HERE,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."

THEY DON'T LIKE TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION

'CAUSE IT MATTERS TO THEM.

BLACK PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT

BEATING UP POLITICIANS AND SHIT.

"IF I SEE GEORGE BUSH, I'LL KICK HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS

FOR CUTTING MY MEDICAID !"

WELL, WE JUST SAY IT.

BUT, THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT,

'CAUSE IT MATTERS MORE, IT MATTERS MORE.

SEE, EVEN WHEN I VOTE, RIGHT ?

WHICH I DON'T, BUT...

BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,

RIGHT ?

I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES.

I JUST LOOK AT THEIR CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING NOW ?

NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

YOU LOOK AT CLINTON, AND BLACK PEOPLE LIKE CLINTON.

I SAW ONE THING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

HE ACTUALLY JUST PICKED A BLACK BABY UP...

"COME HERE, YOU LITTLE NIGGER BABY."

AND JUST KISSED HIM.

I SAID, "UM-HMM, I LIKE THAT."

HE DID NOT HESITATE OR NOTHING.

YOU SEE GEORGE BUSH, HE'D BE LIKE, "EWWW !"

LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr.,

BUT I DON'T KNOW GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.

THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS,

THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE, THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN,

WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

THAT MIGHT BE FINE FOR A MAYOR,

BUT, GODAMMIT, NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !

NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE-HEAD PRESIDENT, UH-UH.

HE'D BE SELLING NUCLEAR SECRETS

FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT.

HE'D BE IN MEETINGS EMBARRASSING AMERICA.

"C'MON, SIGN THE TREATY, BABY.

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !"

"MR. PRESIDENT !

"MR. PRESIDENT,

"THAT IS NOT HOW WE DO BUSINESS HERE, SIR.

STOP SUCKING THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK."

"NO, LET HIM FINISH.

"I WILL SIGN THE TREATY.

THERE BE PEACE IN ISRAEL, FINALLY."

I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON AGAIN, IF I COULD.

NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE.

I'M JUST LOOKING AT HIS BEHAVIOR.

I UNDERSTAND THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS.

WEED-SMOKING FORNICATORS, THERE'S A LOT OF THEM.

I MEAN, COME ON, NOW, LET'S BE HONEST,

LET'S BE HONEST.

BILL CLINTON WAS NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

TO DO WHAT HE DID.

NOW...

LET'S THINK BACK FOR A MINUTE.

REMEMBER A GUY NAMED KENNEDY ?

JOHN F. KENNEDY ? REMEMBER HIM ?

HE FUCKED MARILYN MONROE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY, FUCKED MARILYN MONROE !

AND HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHY HISTORY DOESN'T TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH ?

BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !

THEY WAS GETTIN' IT ON.

THEY WERE GETTIN' IT ON.

I SEEN THE TAPES, REMEMBER THE TAPES ?

SHE'D BE SINGING ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY,

STRESSIN' HIM ALL OUT...

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ MR. PRESIDENT... ♪

"BITCH, MY FAMILY'S HERE !"

CLINTON DID THE SAME THING.

BUT, HE DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT

BECAUSE, IT'S THE YEAR 2000,

HE'S BUSIER THAN KENNEDY WAS.

HE'S A BUSY MAN.

CLINTON DID THAT KIND OF THING

THE WAY BUSY MEN DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT BUSY MEN DO ?

THEY FUCK WHO'S CLOSE TO THEM.

I CAN TELL THAT'S WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD

OUT THE OFFICE DOOR AND SAID, "AHH, HELP !

"YOU, YOU, COME HERE, COME HERE !"

( wild laughter )

"I NEED MY PENIS SUCKED BEFORE MY 3:30, C'MON !

OH, BOY."

HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT...

AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF,

HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL.

I DID MAN, I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF HAVING SEX

WITH A GIRL I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH BEFORE,

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

THAT SHIT IS INFURIATING.

YOU EVER GO THROUGH THAT ? IT'LL MAKE YOU CRAZY.

YOU'LL BE SCREAMING AT YOUR BEST FRIENDS,

"I DIDN'T TOUCH THAT BITCH, NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU !

"FUCK YOU, NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU !

"PLEASE BELIEVE ME !

PLEASE BELIEVE ME !"

CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT LIKE THAT, DID HE ?

CLINTON CAME OUT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE,

ALL RELAXED, SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,

IN ALL THIS TROUBLE.

LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE FUCKING OR SOMETHING.

"LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, AMERICA.

"I DON'T THINK YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.

"I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS

"WITH THAT WOMAN...

MISS LEWINSKY."

YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE.

NOBODY CARES, NOBODY CARES.

WE ALL WATCH.

WE WAS DISGUSTED, BUT, WE KEPT WATCHING THE NEWS.

I KNOW I DID, I WAS TAPING IT.

I WAS IN THE CRIB, I WAS LIKE,

"BABY, TURN THE LIGHTS OFF,

THE NEWS IS COMING ON."

EVERY WEEK ON "60 MINUTES",

IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL ACCUSING CLINTON.

REMEMBER WHEN KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ?

SHE WAS UPSET, "THE PRESIDENT

"CALLED ME INTO HIS OFFICE.

"HE BEGAN...

"MASSAGING MY BREASTS SLOWLY...

"I'M SORRY.

"AND THEN HE PLACED MY HAND,

ON HIS GENITALS."

ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED, "OHHH !"

"WAS HE AROUSED ?"

I WAS AT HOME, LIKE, "YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?"

AND THEN ED BRADLEY LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,

HE SAID, "DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

OH, MAN, THE NEWS HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD.

BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.

THE ONLY ONE I FEEL SORRY FOR IS LEWINSKY,

I FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER.

DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ?

( audience ) NO !!

GODAMN, Y'ALL COME ON NOW.

HAVE A HEART,

THAT'S A HARD THING TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN.

NOBODY WANTS TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER

OF ALL TIMES AND SHIT !

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

NOT EVEN THE WOMEN FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ?

( women ) NO !

NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

I MEAN, C'MON, THAT'S ONE DICK

THAT GIRL SUCKED THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

LONG AFTER SHE SPENT THAT MONEY UP,

THAT'S STILL GONNA HAUNT HER.

I KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE

WITH AT LEAST ONE DICK THEY REGRET.

AND I BETCHA IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.

I BETCHA HE WORKED AT KINNEY SHOES

OR SAFEWAY OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT !

DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER, DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER.

SEE, WE GOTTA STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE.

THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG, AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE

THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE.

SHE WANTED TO FUCK A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD,

THAT'S AS FAR AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH.

SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS.

SHE HAD NO WISDOM.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THERE,

"YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD LOWER TAXES."

( slurping noises )

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !

THE LAST THING I'M GONNA SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS,

THAT HE IS A FAMOUS MAN.

I HAVE DREAMT OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT,

I NEVER DREAMT OF BEING THAT FAMOUS.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS,

BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

I MEAN, NO GUY EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

THERE'S NOBODY WITH A PICK-UP LINE

THAT GOOD AND SHIT.

"HEY, SUCK MY DICK, THERE'S A FUTURE IN IT."

"WHAT ?"

"OH, THAT'S IT,

"NOW GET OUT THERE AND BE SOMEBODY !

"GO WRITE A BOOK.

YOU'RE A QUALIFIED AUTHOR NOW, GO WRITE A BOOK."

I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS, I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT,

SHIT, I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS.

SEE, THE ONLY REASON I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT

IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

THAT WOULD MAKE IT TOO HOT FOR ME.

I MEAN THERE COULD BE A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY,

BUT, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

I MEAN, THE SECOND OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE,

BUT, THAT FIRST NIGGER BETTER WATCH OUT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

TOO HOT.

I MEAN, I'D BE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,

I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT,

I DON'T THINK THEY'D TOUCH ME...

'CAUSE MY VICE PRESIDENT WOULD BE MEXICAN

FOR A LITTLE INSURANCE.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

YOU CAN SHOOT ME IF YOU WANT,

BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE ME

AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO TO OUR OWN DEVICES.

"AIN'T THAT RIGHT, SANTIAGO ?"

"Sí, Sí !

ELIAN CAN STAY !"

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,

I DON'T GOT NO ELIAN JOKES.

ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.

'CAUSE IF HE WAS HAITIAN,

YOU WOULD'VE NEVER HEARD ABOUT HIS ASS !

UH-UH...

IF ELIAN GONZALEZ WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO

FROM HAITI,

THEY WOULDA PUSHED THAT LITTLE RUBBER TUBE

RIGHT BACK INTO THE WATER.

"SORRY, FELLA, ALL FULL.

GOOD LUCK."

THE ONLY THING IN OUR SOCIETY THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST,

IS THE WAY THAT MEN AND WOMEN

DON'T GET ALONG NO MORE.

THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT.

MEN AND WOMEN JUST DON'T GET ALONG.

LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN SAY THIS ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS WILL BE LIKE,

"CHIVALRY IS DEAD."

DON'T YA ALL FEEL THAT WAY ?

LIKE MEN AREN'T GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ?

THAT'S RIGHT,

CHIVALRY IS DEAD, AND WOMEN KILLED IT.

THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCE

IN THE WAY WE'RE GONNA SEE THINGS.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE EYE-TO-EYE ON THIS ISSUE,

WE'RE JUST NOT.

OUR TESTS IN LIFE ARE DIFFERENT.

A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE IS MATERIAL.

A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE IS A WOMAN.

NOW, BY TESTS, I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS

THAT WE DESIRE.

MEN HAVE NICE CARS.

NOT 'CAUSE THEY LIKE NICE CARS,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

'CAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS AND THE CAR'S THE BAIT.

AND A WOMAN COMES OUT AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."

"GOTCHA BITCH !"

( applause )

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

THAT'S TRUE.

C'MON, NOW, YOU GO TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE

HER HOUSE'LL BE COMFORTABLE AS SHIT.

WOMEN LOVE COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS,

SO, MEN GET COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS.

BUT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN IN A CARDBOARD BOX,

HE WOULDN'T BUY A HOUSE.

BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.

CHIVALRY GOT KILLED BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT

ON THE MAGAZINES THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY.

BECAUSE WOMEN GOT TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN

FROM OTHER WOMEN.

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S TRUE.

I SEE THIS SHIT IN THE MAGAZINES.

I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT, I BE SEEIN' THE COVER.

I'LL BE IN THE GROCERY STORE,

FELLAS, YOU LOOKING AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?"

AND IT SAYS ON THE COVER,

"100 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN",

BY SOME LADY.

GET OUTTA HERE, NOW, C'MON.

AIN'T NO 100 WAYS, THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.

JUST, SUCK HIS DICK, PLAY WITH HIS BALLS,

FIX HIM A SANDWICH, AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH !

AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HAPPY !

YEAH.

AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S TRICK THE WOMEN.

THE MAGAZINE'S START PICKING AT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.

EVERY PAGE YOU TURN,

YOU START FEELING FATTER AND UGLIER,

AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND THE MAGAZINES HAVE YOU FORGETTING

HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

NOW, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS...

( applause )

AND THEN YOU FORGET HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,

AND WE ALL SUFFER.

IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK,

IT WOULD BE PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE YOU FLOODED THE MARKET WITH IT,

YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY TOO EASY.

I'M JUST BEING TRUTHFUL.

I'M JUST TALKING.

IT WOULD PLUMMET.

YOU'D BE WATCHING THE NEWS,

"TODAY, PUSSY PLUMMETED AGAIN

"ON THE NASDAQ.

GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS."

YOU CAN SEE IT, YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN ?

THIS IS HOW CONFUSING IT IS.

THIS IS THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION

OF WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

A GUY'LL BE OUT, THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,

YOU'LL BE OUT AT A CLUB, A BAR, RIGHT ?

YOU'RE JUST KICKING WITH YOUR BOYS.

AND A GIRL WALKS BY, AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.

NOT GOOD IN THAT CLASSICAL WAY.

I'M TALKING GOOD LIKE,

SHE GOT HALF HER ASS HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT,

MMMM.

HER TITTIES ARE ALL MASHED TOGETHER.

POPPING OUT THE TOP OF HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT.

AND YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?

YOU GOT A COUPLE OF DRINKS IN YOU,

AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.

IT JUST MIGHT NOT COME OUT RIGHT.

"DAMN, LOOK AT THEM TITTIES !"

THE GIRL GETS MAD AT YOU.

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE !

"JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY

"DOES NOT...

MAKE ME A WHORE."

WHICH IS TRUE.

GENTLEMEN, THAT IS TRUE.

JUST BECAUSE THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY,

DOESN'T MEAN THEY ARE A CERTAIN WAY.

DON'T EVER FORGET IT,

BUT, LADIES, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT

THAT IS FUCKING CONFUSING.

IT JUST IS.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME, DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN,

WALKING AROUND THE STREETS IN A COP UNIFORM.

SOMEBODY MIGHT RUN UP ON ME.

"AHH, THANK GOD, OFFICER, HELP US !

C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE, HELP US !"

I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE I'M DRESSED THIS WAY,

DOES NOT MAKE ME A POLICE OFFICER !"

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING ?

I WAS LIKE, "ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE !

"YOU ARE NOT A WHORE.

"BUT, YOU ARE WEARING A WHORE'S UNIFORM,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT SHIT."

MISUNDERSTANDINGS CAN HAPPEN.

AND THEN, MEN, WE MISUNDERSTAND WOMEN A LOT.

WE ALWAYS UNDERMINE THEIR FEELINGS.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM, YOU CAN'T.

BECAUSE, SEE, FEELINGS ARE...

FEELINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

I'M JUST LEARNING THIS SHIT.

EVERYTHING'S BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL.

YOU CAN HEAR IT WHEN THEY TELL STORIES.

YOU HEAR A MAN TELL A STORY,

IT'LL BE JUST FACTS.

WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY.

"IT WAS ME AND BOB, WE WAS AT SAFEWAY.

"AND THAT NIGGER BOB SAID THIS,

"AND I PUNCHED THAT NIGGER AND THEN I BROKE OUT.

THAT'S THE STORY."

( applause )

"THAT'S THE STORY."

WOMEN WOULD TELL THE STORY WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS IN IT.

"WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

"I WAS ON MY PERIOD AND I JUST TALKED TO MY MOTHER.

SO, I WAS FEELING LIKE, REALLY BAD... "

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, GET TO IT !"

BUT, THEY GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

THAT'S HOW THEY ALWAYS GET ME.

I'LL BE SITTING THERE, WATCHING TV,

CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

MY OLD LADY COME UP TO ME.

"DAVID,

WE NEED TO TALK."

"FUCK !"

I DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL INSIDE.

BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME WE NEED TO TALK,

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT THAT I GOTTA DO.

BUT, WE DON'T EVER GOTTA TALK ABOUT

ANYTHING SHE NEEDS TO DO.

SHE LEAVES ME DEFENSELESS !

I HAVE TO DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

"DAVID, WE NEED TO TALK."

( Cagney voice ) "AHH... "

"DON'T DO THAT TO ME DAVID, THIS IS SERIOUS.

STOP TALKING IN THAT VOICE."

( Cagney voice ) "NOW, SEE... !

"I GOTTA DO THIS, SEE !!

AHH, SEE ?!"

I COMPLAIN, BUT, I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY.

I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE, I DON'T LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES YOU GO TO THEM SINGLE CLUBS,

YOU SEE TOO MUCH.

I WAS ON THE ROAD, ONE CLUB,

AND I SEEN A THING THEY CALL,

A THONG CONTEST.

( male in audience ) YES !!!!

YEAH, I SEEN A THONG CONTEST.

( male ) SCANDALOUS !

YEAH, THAT'S SOME SCANDALOUS SHIT, ALRIGHT.

I COULDN'T GET OVER THAT, MAN.

I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL AND THE DJ SAID,

"EVERYBODY THAT WANTS TO BE IN THE THONG CONTEST

PLEASE REPORT TO THE DJ BOOTH."

THE GIRL'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME !"

THEY PUT ON THAT SONG,

♪ LET ME SEE SOME, THONG, THONG, THONG... ♪

THEM GIRLS WAS GOING OFF !

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN,

SOME OF THEM PULLING THEIR SKIRTS UP,

ALL OF THEM SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.

SOME OF THEM DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON,

THEY WAS JUST FUCKIN' SHAKING THEIR BUTT.

I MEAN, I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED,

BUT I COULDN'T TURN AWAY.

( applause )

BUT, NO, PLEASE, FOR THE SQUEAMISH,

JUST PLUG YOUR EARS.

ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS GETTING SO INTO IT,

NOW THERE'S NO COPS AROUND, RIGHT ?

BUT, SHE ACTUALLY, I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,

BUT, SHE SPREADS HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,

IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ?

I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER,

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !"

IS THAT HER BIRTH CANAL ?

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY, IS THAT,

IS THAT A BABY ?

I KNOW THAT'S GROSS, IT'S GROSS,

'CAUSE, IT WAS A BABY.

IT WAS THE SAME BABY FROM THE PROJECTS,

HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK IN THE CLUB, NIGGER !

"I GOT THAT WEED IF YOU NEED ME !

JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS, AND I'LL COME OUT !"

HEY, GUYS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

THANK YOU, ALL.

♪ ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY MIND ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE ♪

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000 HOME BOX OFFICE

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER