Original subtitles

Mmm. What's this? Pancakes.

It's very impressive for a Friday morning.

MUSIC: All Your Love Is Gone by Boxed In

Sorry I didn't see you last night,

you were already asleep when I got in.

What did you get up to?

Just conked out, pretty much.

MOANS OF PLEASURE

Oh, hey, guys! Ooop... Hey!

You off to work? Oh, no, Zack is. I'm just popping to the shops.

Cool.

Hi, Josh. Hi, Zack.

Well, guess where we're going tonight?

My ten-year school reunion!

Are you going too, Josh?

Yep. Moral support.

I've organised it. It's going to be fun.

Right. Er, off to the shops.

Ooh, yeah, I might detour that way, actually.

Oh. Yeah?

Yeah, I need, some, um...

..uh...water.

Just make sure you're home by six. Bye.

All right. See you later.

Bye, guys. See you later.

I'm just saying, if we're going to do this,

you need to be careful.

You might as well have come out holding a fucking Love Actually sign

saying, "I'm having sex with your wife."

I didn't think it was that obvious. They don't know anything.

Yeah, well, they don't until they do.

Well, I just... I don't know, I wanted to see you.

OK. Let's get one thing clear.

This thing, whatever it is, it's about sex.

They don't have any granola... They've got porridge.

Yeah, well, I'm not a horse, Josh,

I'm not just going to eat oats. What was I saying?

Sex.

Right. OK, so, um... I don't want to hear about your day,

I don't want to braid your hair and talk about feelings.

Yeah. No, me too. Yeah, all of that.

I hate 'em. Urgh!

Feelings are the worst.

Yeah, but, yeah. Let's just use each other for sex.

No, I don't mean...

Just...

You know, let's keep it...

..light and breezy.

Light and breezy. Yeah, I can do that. Easy peasy.

What are you doing later?

CHUCKLES

Well done, guys.

You're doing great.

Excellent efforts.

CHILD SCREAMS

Oh, shit.

You... Ooh, you all right?

Yeah. Yeah...?

Yeah. He's fine.

BLOWS WHISTLE

He's fine.

VIDEO: It's in places like this, motorway lay-bys,

or sometimes even rural fields,

that doggers meet to watch sexual intercourse and masturbate.

Sometimes other people join in.

But it's mainly about watching those having sex.

KNOCKING Er, come in!

Boss, just so you can sign Darren's leaving card.

Yes, great.

Yeah, thank you. Mm-hm.

WHISPERS: Oh, my God!

What time did you say the band was coming in? 4.30.

And no-one's in before that? No.

Cool. And you're going out to lunch, yeah?

OK. Now, I'm concerned that you're asking in that level of detail.

Are you writing a text? Been there, man.

What are you doing? Trying to keep it casual?

Don't read... I find the best way to do it is making sure

the conversation's always focused on sex.

Have you even had sex?

Course, man. With four people,

and hands and finger stuff with, like, three others.

What you should do is, like, send sexy texts,

and photos and stuff, you know? Like a dick pic.

Paul? Please do some work.

Now that I've helped... You haven't. Can I use the studio later?

Absolutely not.

Oh! Hi.

Oooh! Wow. God!

How many people have you got coming to this?

Erm, well, 60 said they were coming on Facebook

but I just...I just put everyone down just in case. 60?

Don't worry. I did a health and safety thing and everything.

A health and safety thing?

Erm... You should... you should drop by. If you want.

Isn't Josh coming to this with you tonight?

Ah. Yeah. Fair point.

Yeah. Well, um...

..have fun.

SIGHS DEEPLY

UNBUCKLES BELT

Oh, my...

Oh, God.

PHONE BUZZES

SLAMS PHONE ON TABLE

LAUGHTER, DANCE MUSIC

WHISTLING

Hey. Hey! Listen up, everyone.

I would like to take a moment

before anyone gets, well...too smashed,

to pay tribute to Darren.

CHEERING

Look, I am very sad to say that

Darren will be moving on,

to a terrific opportunity at...Spotify.

So, uh, we're going to miss him, you know.

He's Darren, he's been with us since the beginning.

Um...

When there were just five of us.

The five musketeers.

That's...that's what we were.

Um...uh...

Sorry.

Darren... Darren.

Anyway! To Darren!

CHEERING

RAPS: # Brexit, Syria, give the government a bone

# We're all in the gutter but we're looking at our phones

# Liking, retweeting checking our WhatsApp

# Is it a real connection though or is it just crap? #

Paul, what is this?

This is Henry. He's great, right? I said you couldn't do this.

I thought that was a test of my maturity.

I swear to God, this is the last straw.

Can we have five minutes to finish up? Paul!

Please, man! It means I'm learning the equipment,

so I can be more useful to you, right? Please? Please,

Paul says you're the best boss he's ever had.

I'm the only boss he's ever had. He looks up to you like a brother.

Or an uncle. PHONE BUZZES

Whoa, man! That was like a cowboy or something!