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1
00:00:05,203 --> 00:00:09,945
We'll stick a banner up here.
Saying what?
2
00:00:09,946 --> 00:00:11,804
"Congratulations to Bob Servant on
winning
3
00:00:11,894 --> 00:00:13,773
the Broughty Ferry by-election.
4
00:00:13,818 --> 00:00:15,777
"Have a few drinks on us and
go bananas.
5
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:19,361
"All the very best, the Bob Servant
independent campaign."
6
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,067
You could edit that doon a bit.
7
00:00:21,068 --> 00:00:24,106
How much are you putting
behind the bar?
8
00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:27,906
Oh, er... The alcohol budget is £60,
right?
9
00:00:27,907 --> 00:00:31,266
Now, that's...
that's three drinks per person.
10
00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:35,346
Now, please mark people's
hands for their first two drinks
11
00:00:35,347 --> 00:00:37,227
and then their forehead for
the third.
12
00:00:37,228 --> 00:00:38,726
I'm not daein' that.
13
00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,897
And I want a real buzz aboot
the place.
14
00:00:40,898 --> 00:00:45,296
Lots of excitement, with a keen sense
of danger and uncertainty
15
00:00:45,297 --> 00:00:48,537
with absolutely nae limits -
got it? Nuh.
16
00:00:49,537 --> 00:00:51,057
And I want people standing here
17
00:00:51,058 --> 00:00:55,056
wondering if they're gonna have a few
drinks, and maybe,
18
00:00:55,057 --> 00:00:56,256
I don't know...
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00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,496
wake up...
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00:00:58,497 --> 00:01:00,137
in the Congo.
21
00:01:02,537 --> 00:01:05,737
The atmosphere budget is £15.
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00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:17,606
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:01:17,657 --> 00:01:19,097
Hey, Georgie!
24
00:01:31,417 --> 00:01:35,656
Bob, without sounding
like an awfa greedy guts,
25
00:01:35,657 --> 00:01:37,577
dae I get the election deposit
back tonight?
26
00:01:37,578 --> 00:01:41,176
Yep, and probably
some prize money on top.
27
00:01:41,177 --> 00:01:44,536
Thank God. Money's for my new
bathroom.
28
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:46,936
And you deserve it.
Thanks, Bob.
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00:01:46,937 --> 00:01:50,377
Good people, good people!
30
00:01:52,577 --> 00:01:54,095
Where are all our posters,
Frank?
31
00:01:54,096 --> 00:01:57,697
Ah, you only need one, Bob.
They all say the same thing.
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00:01:58,737 --> 00:02:01,976
Aye, it's a good day to die.
33
00:02:01,977 --> 00:02:03,735
Common sense will prevail.
34
00:02:03,736 --> 00:02:08,935
We're getting positive vibes from
the undecided. Oh, good for you.
Er, good afternoon. Nick Edwards.
35
00:02:08,936 --> 00:02:12,335
Er, now, if you don't mind me
saying, you look of retirement age.
Here...
36
00:02:12,336 --> 00:02:15,735
Have a gander at my policies for
ring-fencing pension funds.
37
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,055
They're...
Are you the boy
38
00:02:17,056 --> 00:02:19,377
that was on the radio
talking aboot The Krankies?
39
00:02:19,378 --> 00:02:22,576
Bob Servant, independent,
in the flesh.
40
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:23,977
He's my man!
41
00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:26,897
Well, that's a definite.
42
00:02:26,898 --> 00:02:28,976
There's a long way to go.
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00:02:28,977 --> 00:02:30,217
Come on, darling.
44
00:02:31,657 --> 00:02:35,256
What a day, Frank.
What a day!
45
00:02:35,257 --> 00:02:37,496
And not a boo boy in sight.
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00:02:37,497 --> 00:02:40,655
Right, Bob, final push.
We're going door to door.
47
00:02:40,656 --> 00:02:43,375
Oh, plenty of time for that,
Frank. Plenty of time for that.
48
00:02:43,376 --> 00:02:45,575
I've got a wee meeting
back at the extension.
49
00:02:45,576 --> 00:02:47,097
How can I help you, Bob?
50
00:02:47,098 --> 00:02:49,976
Well, I thought, you know,
51
00:02:49,977 --> 00:02:52,015
while I'm in London, maybe
your mob
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00:02:52,016 --> 00:02:54,655
could use the extension as a
cathedral.
53
00:02:54,656 --> 00:02:56,337
No.
Or some sort of prayer room.
54
00:02:57,457 --> 00:02:59,655
Punters could come and pray
that maybe one day
55
00:02:59,656 --> 00:03:01,415
they'd have an extension of
their own.
56
00:03:01,416 --> 00:03:03,935
Prayer is reserved for spiritual
concerns.
57
00:03:03,936 --> 00:03:06,055
I want to send a message to
the people.
58
00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:09,335
I wanna tell them that although Bob's
body may be in London,
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00:03:09,336 --> 00:03:11,057
his heart's here in Broughty
Ferry,
60
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:14,736
in there, on the coffee table,
beating away.
61
00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:18,456
OK, Bob, if you're going away,
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00:03:18,457 --> 00:03:21,455
the Church is always interested in
emergency housing.
63
00:03:21,456 --> 00:03:23,215
Housing?!
We're in a recession.
64
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:27,457
There are a lot of desperate people
in the parish. Oh, nae chance!
Cloud-cuckoo-land.
65
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:28,777
Fine.
66
00:03:29,817 --> 00:03:31,816
I'll pass that reaction on.
67
00:03:31,817 --> 00:03:32,976
Pass what on?
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00:03:32,977 --> 00:03:37,696
That you're unwilling to help the
weakest in Broughty Ferry society.
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00:03:37,697 --> 00:03:39,855
Should make a good feature
for the newsletter.
70
00:03:39,856 --> 00:03:42,337
Newsletter? Or maybe even the local
media.
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00:03:42,338 --> 00:03:45,936
Right, right.
You can have the extension.
72
00:03:45,937 --> 00:03:48,095
Hang on, Bob...
Oh, let it go, Frank, let it go.
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00:03:48,096 --> 00:03:50,415
I'll build a bigger one, a better
one.
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00:03:50,416 --> 00:03:52,137
I'm gonna be minted.
Really?
75
00:03:52,138 --> 00:03:53,936
Oh, aye.
76
00:03:53,937 --> 00:03:57,575
Oh, the MP game is where the readies
are, you know, above the table,
77
00:03:57,576 --> 00:04:00,095
below the table, brown envelopes,
white envelopes,
78
00:04:00,096 --> 00:04:02,657
tips, winks, the old slap on the
back, the old,
79
00:04:02,658 --> 00:04:04,296
"Is this your handbag?"
80
00:04:04,297 --> 00:04:06,895
"Of course not. Why would I have a
handbag?"
81
00:04:06,896 --> 00:04:09,857
"Oh, I think this is one
handbag you do want."
82
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:12,336
"Oh, well, then, if you insist,
83
00:04:12,337 --> 00:04:14,096
"I'll TAKE the handbag.
84
00:04:14,097 --> 00:04:15,417
"Frank can carry it."
85
00:04:17,097 --> 00:04:18,936
Gladly.
86
00:04:18,937 --> 00:04:22,215
I mean, the-the designs
are just mouth-watering, Bob.
87
00:04:22,216 --> 00:04:24,055
I showed them to my
swimming instructor
88
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:28,337
and she said it was a bathroom that
was both elegant and practical.
89
00:04:28,338 --> 00:04:30,416
Sounds lovely.
90
00:04:30,417 --> 00:04:32,615
How many more have we got, Frank?
91
00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:35,337
I'm knackered.
It's the last couple, Bob.
92
00:04:43,577 --> 00:04:46,416
Good afternoon.
Jim Henderson?
93
00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:48,097
Hendo Henderson?
Who's asking?
94
00:04:48,098 --> 00:04:51,856
Bob Servant. Simple Servant!
95
00:04:51,857 --> 00:04:53,616
How you doing?
96
00:04:53,617 --> 00:04:56,015
Actually, Hendo,
it's Bob Servant, independent,
97
00:04:56,016 --> 00:04:58,295
nailed-on favourite in the Broughty
Ferry by-election.
98
00:04:58,296 --> 00:05:00,695
Ah? Well, you'll always be Simple
Servant to me.
99
00:05:00,696 --> 00:05:03,577
Is that right? Have we got your vote,
Hendo?
100
00:05:03,578 --> 00:05:07,097
As I says, he'll always be
Simple Servant to me.
101
00:05:10,817 --> 00:05:12,937
Come on, Bob.
102
00:05:21,737 --> 00:05:26,496
Hello there. This is Bob Servant,
independent. We're standing...
103
00:05:26,497 --> 00:05:29,495
I heard you on the radio.
I loved the free wellies idea.
104
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,815
Well, without being an awfa
big head,
105
00:05:31,816 --> 00:05:34,015
the free wellies policy
was actually one of mine.
106
00:05:34,016 --> 00:05:37,815
Oh! 50 years he's been giving me
that. Well, you've got my vote.
107
00:05:37,816 --> 00:05:40,297
Can you do something
about our road? Fire ahead!
108
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,656
Everyone laughing at wee
Simple Servant.
109
00:05:43,657 --> 00:05:45,735
I have phoned the
council week in, week out
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00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:48,457
aboot the potholes. Madam, we will
raise merry hell
111
00:05:48,458 --> 00:05:52,577
and soon those potholes...
Well! This ends TODAY!
112
00:05:54,057 --> 00:05:57,017
Excuse me. Bob. Bob!
113
00:05:59,257 --> 00:06:01,696
Bob, we've already done this one.
114
00:06:01,697 --> 00:06:05,777
I just want a wee chat with him.
Just a nice wee chat.
115
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:10,536
What is it noo, Simple?
One, don't call me Simple.
116
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,175
Two, I am the de facto MP
for Broughty Ferry
117
00:06:13,176 --> 00:06:15,177
and I deserve a certain
amount of respect.
118
00:06:15,178 --> 00:06:20,176
But that's your name. Simple.
I said, don't call me Simple!
119
00:06:20,177 --> 00:06:22,457
Bob, I don't think you...
Hey, hey, hey!
120
00:06:22,458 --> 00:06:26,896
This is private property here!
I'm not Simple any more!
121
00:06:26,897 --> 00:06:29,737
Right, you two, just calm down, OK?
122
00:06:34,617 --> 00:06:36,616
Nice in here, Hendo.
123
00:06:36,617 --> 00:06:39,257
Very... cosy.
124
00:06:40,297 --> 00:06:41,336
Ah!
125
00:06:41,337 --> 00:06:44,376
Where's your extension?
Is it oot the back?
126
00:06:44,377 --> 00:06:47,696
I don't have one.
Oh, really? That's a shame.
127
00:06:47,697 --> 00:06:51,656
My extension is probably
the size of your entire hoose.
128
00:06:51,657 --> 00:06:53,375
Oh, well, I might get one.
129
00:06:53,376 --> 00:06:55,817
I could do with the extra space when
the grandkids visit.
130
00:06:55,818 --> 00:06:57,857
Any grandkids, Bob?
131
00:06:59,537 --> 00:07:01,416
Oh, Hendo,
132
00:07:01,417 --> 00:07:05,737
am I right in thinking that you ran
away with that boy frae Fintry
133
00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,936
wha' drove the red Sierra?
I think it was you.
134
00:07:08,937 --> 00:07:10,096
That was my wife.
135
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:14,136
Oh, it was your wife?
Oh, I knew it was one of yous.
136
00:07:14,137 --> 00:07:16,935
Right, well, er, thanks for popping
round lads,
137
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:19,137
but Countdown's just aboot
to start... Frank,
138
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:22,537
this man was my first ever
boo boy.
139
00:07:23,697 --> 00:07:25,457
That Hendo Henderson?
140
00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:28,417
You and all your cronies.
141
00:07:28,418 --> 00:07:33,616
Telling the girls that my jumpers
were daft and that I had an odd walk.
142
00:07:33,617 --> 00:07:35,417
Well, here's the headlines, Hendo.
143
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:39,177
I've got the best walk in
Broughty Ferry
144
00:07:39,178 --> 00:07:42,776
and my jumpers are the
nicest in the toon.
145
00:07:42,777 --> 00:07:44,376
Or...
146
00:07:44,377 --> 00:07:46,217
would you call that...
147
00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:50,577
daft?
A wee bit, aye.
148
00:07:51,617 --> 00:07:53,257
That's cashmere!
149
00:07:55,097 --> 00:07:57,616
Feel it.
Bob, behave yourself!
150
00:07:57,617 --> 00:08:01,736
It's 40% cashmere!
Aye, all right, Bob. All right.
151
00:08:01,737 --> 00:08:04,937
Your jumper is... is very nice.
152
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:09,617
What do you like best about it?
153
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,817
Patterns?
154
00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:16,657
Now we're getting somewhere.
155
00:08:18,897 --> 00:08:22,737
Right! Let's sort this walk situation
out.
156
00:08:30,217 --> 00:08:31,496
Very strong.
157
00:08:31,497 --> 00:08:33,297
And... what do you like best?
158
00:08:33,298 --> 00:08:35,736
Your... chin. You kind of...
159
00:08:35,737 --> 00:08:37,056
Hold it high?
160
00:08:37,057 --> 00:08:39,896
Correct. And well I should.
161
00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:43,136
But even today,
the day of my coronation,
162
00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:45,297
there had to be one last boo boy.
163
00:08:45,298 --> 00:08:47,576
Well, Hendo, when I'm elected MP,
164
00:08:47,577 --> 00:08:50,857
I'm gonna have you all rounded up,
brought to the town hall,
165
00:08:50,858 --> 00:08:54,136
and made to stand on a bucket
and say,
166
00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:55,695
"I'm a Broughty Ferry boo boy,
167
00:08:55,696 --> 00:08:59,097
"I'm a nasty piece of work, and I was
wrong about Bob Servant."
168
00:08:59,098 --> 00:09:02,616
You know something, Bob?
I was wrong aboot you.
169
00:09:02,617 --> 00:09:07,296
I thought you were just daft. In
fact, you are utterly deranged.
170
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:11,737
Now piss off, take your brother with
you and let me watch Countdown.
171
00:09:11,738 --> 00:09:14,657
There'll be no sums today, Hendo.
172
00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:18,617
You're one of my... Agh!
173
00:09:22,257 --> 00:09:24,057
I'll just put them back in.
Look, Bob,
174
00:09:24,058 --> 00:09:26,856
perhaps we should...
No sums today!
175
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,336
Oh!
Ah, it seems fine.
176
00:09:29,337 --> 00:09:32,417
Bob, I think that's coming here.
177
00:09:36,537 --> 00:09:38,617
Let's hope they're not
showing Jaws tonight.
178
00:09:38,618 --> 00:09:41,896
Jesus! It's all gone Cagney & Lacey!
179
00:09:41,897 --> 00:09:45,897
Come on, Frank! Come on! Let's hit
the mealy pudding trail.
180
00:09:48,057 --> 00:09:49,417
Now, Bob...
181
00:09:50,417 --> 00:09:52,177
I'm no finger pointer...
182
00:09:52,178 --> 00:09:55,096
but I think perhaps
183
00:09:55,097 --> 00:10:00,256
you have at least partly created a
situation that is, some might say,
184
00:10:00,257 --> 00:10:02,296
a total disaster.
185
00:10:02,297 --> 00:10:07,216
Well, then, we'll have to make it a
secret disaster.
186
00:10:07,217 --> 00:10:09,015
And what do we do
in the meantime, Bob?
187
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:11,135
We should be out there
campaigning.
188
00:10:11,136 --> 00:10:14,775
Now we're Broughty Ferry's most
wanted. So, we spend a few hours on
the run.
189
00:10:14,776 --> 00:10:18,137
It's a piece of piss. We'll grow
beards, hide out in the swamps.
190
00:10:18,138 --> 00:10:19,936
There arenae any swamps.
191
00:10:19,937 --> 00:10:24,176
Well, then, we'll lie low in a motel,
get job as handymen,
192
00:10:24,177 --> 00:10:26,855
helping oot around the place,
live under assumed names,
193
00:10:26,856 --> 00:10:29,377
be polite to the other guests without
giving too much away.
194
00:10:30,617 --> 00:10:31,817
And then...
195
00:10:33,097 --> 00:10:34,977
we'll come back this evening.
196
00:10:35,977 --> 00:10:38,417
The police, though, Bob -
they'll be on our tail.
197
00:10:38,418 --> 00:10:39,856
Now, Frank,
198
00:10:39,857 --> 00:10:42,457
I need you to stand up to
interrogation for a couple of days.
199
00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:43,856
Interrogation?
200
00:10:43,857 --> 00:10:46,456
You know, Chinese burns,
201
00:10:46,457 --> 00:10:48,616
er, thumbnails,
202
00:10:48,617 --> 00:10:51,377
the old elastic band round
your balls.
203
00:10:52,377 --> 00:10:53,777
Round my balls?
204
00:11:05,977 --> 00:11:07,217
Stay still.
205
00:11:08,817 --> 00:11:10,817
Stay very, very still.
206
00:11:12,337 --> 00:11:15,777
And we pledge to stand by
everything in the manifesto.
207
00:11:15,778 --> 00:11:17,937
Don't stop there!
208
00:11:19,337 --> 00:11:22,776
Oh, come on, lads.
Come on, you're killing me!
209
00:11:22,777 --> 00:11:24,137
You're killing me!
210
00:11:25,737 --> 00:11:31,656
The man was an 18-carat bully,
which is why Bob, quite rightly,
211
00:11:31,657 --> 00:11:33,857
booted the fuck out of his
telly.
212
00:11:33,858 --> 00:11:35,737
Sorry, officer.
213
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,296
Bob, what d'you think gonna
hap...? Ssh!
214
00:11:48,297 --> 00:11:49,657
Ssh!
215
00:11:51,217 --> 00:11:52,537
They're watching.
216
00:11:55,337 --> 00:11:56,577
Two-way mirror.
217
00:11:59,137 --> 00:12:03,696
Oh, my God.
Cool, Frank. Keep cool.
218
00:12:03,697 --> 00:12:05,217
Just gie them a wee smile.
219
00:12:13,537 --> 00:12:16,815
Right, Mr Servant, I don't have time
for this. You think I do?
220
00:12:16,816 --> 00:12:20,697
Mr Henderson wants £500 compensation
for the remote control,
221
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,736
the TV and his two fish
who had heart attacks.
222
00:12:24,737 --> 00:12:26,777
Agree to that
and you're off with a caution.
223
00:12:26,778 --> 00:12:28,896
Nae chance!
224
00:12:28,897 --> 00:12:31,456
You've derailed my entire
campaign,
225
00:12:31,457 --> 00:12:34,975
which is illegal. Now, it gives me no
pleasure to do this,
226
00:12:34,976 --> 00:12:37,177
but I hereby instruct you
to arrest yoursel'.
227
00:12:37,178 --> 00:12:39,816
£500, Bob.
228
00:12:39,817 --> 00:12:42,377
Yes or no?
229
00:12:44,537 --> 00:12:47,536
Right, er, we will pay every
penny.
230
00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:50,777
We apologise and you'll get no more
bother from us.
231
00:12:50,778 --> 00:12:52,336
Just...
232
00:12:52,337 --> 00:12:53,937
I'm actually begging you here.
233
00:12:53,938 --> 00:12:56,737
Do not put that round my balls.
234
00:13:01,057 --> 00:13:02,376
Hello. Er...
235
00:13:02,377 --> 00:13:07,857
This is a damage limitation
cold call from the Bob Servant
independent campaign.
236
00:13:07,858 --> 00:13:11,936
You may have heard
that Bob kicked a telly.
237
00:13:11,937 --> 00:13:14,057
However, it could be argued
that...
238
00:13:15,537 --> 00:13:16,697
Hello?
239
00:13:18,017 --> 00:13:19,137
Hello?
240
00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:23,456
Hendo!
241
00:13:23,457 --> 00:13:25,176
Oh!
242
00:13:25,177 --> 00:13:27,216
Aye... How we getting on?
243
00:13:27,217 --> 00:13:30,257
Superbly. How many people have you
spoken to?
244
00:13:30,258 --> 00:13:32,296
Er... two.
245
00:13:32,297 --> 00:13:33,497
Oh!
246
00:13:34,777 --> 00:13:38,176
Two? It's a funny story.
247
00:13:38,177 --> 00:13:41,296
The first guy I phoned wasn't
at home.
248
00:13:41,297 --> 00:13:43,176
So, I called his neighbour
249
00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:46,336
and they said he was on
holiday in Blackpool.
250
00:13:46,337 --> 00:13:50,096
Well, I wasnae gonna
let it go that easily.
251
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:54,016
Directory Enquiries gave me a list
of Blackpool hotels,
252
00:13:54,017 --> 00:13:57,135
who all said, "Oh, he's no'
here, we cannae help you,"
253
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:59,695
et cetera, et cetera,
blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah.
254
00:13:59,696 --> 00:14:03,097
But efter a couple o' hours...
A couple of hours?
255
00:14:03,098 --> 00:14:04,696
I got him!
256
00:14:04,697 --> 00:14:06,656
He's at...
257
00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:11,216
Blackpool's two-star Royal Hotel.
258
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,975
Which actually sounds lovely.
259
00:14:12,976 --> 00:14:17,217
They said, "He's not in, he's oot
having a walk on the beach."
260
00:14:17,218 --> 00:14:21,496
So, I said, "Tell him someone's
ringing from Broughty Ferry.
261
00:14:21,497 --> 00:14:25,737
"It's an emergency
and it involves his family."
262
00:14:26,777 --> 00:14:28,777
Five minutes later,
he calls me.
263
00:14:29,897 --> 00:14:31,376
Very out of breath.
264
00:14:31,377 --> 00:14:34,296
I said I was calling from the
campaign
265
00:14:34,297 --> 00:14:36,495
and for the good of him and
his family,
266
00:14:36,496 --> 00:14:39,175
would he be voting for us
in the by-election?
267
00:14:39,176 --> 00:14:43,297
He said he wouldn't... Well, he was
actually quite firm aboot that.
268
00:14:44,297 --> 00:14:46,415
But what he also said, which...
269
00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:49,057
which I thought
was a very clever point, was...
270
00:14:50,137 --> 00:14:53,137
he couldn't vote for us
in the by-election today...
271
00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:55,696
because
272
00:14:55,697 --> 00:14:58,577
he is currently on holiday!
273
00:15:00,617 --> 00:15:02,457
In Blackpool.
274
00:15:16,257 --> 00:15:18,657
Everybody's looking at us,
Frank.
275
00:15:19,897 --> 00:15:21,656
They all know.
276
00:15:21,657 --> 00:15:24,257
Hendo's murdered me here.
No-one's looking, Bob.
277
00:15:24,258 --> 00:15:27,497
No-one's looking.
Everything'll be A-OK.
278
00:15:28,497 --> 00:15:30,697
That's what you said about
mad cow.
279
00:15:30,698 --> 00:15:31,937
Was that A-OK?
280
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:37,616
Rhona! You're looking decidedly top
drawer this evening.
281
00:15:37,617 --> 00:15:39,895
I'm surprised you've had the gall to
show up.
282
00:15:39,896 --> 00:15:44,415
To what would you be referring? Your
campaign has been an embarrassment
for Broughty Ferry.
283
00:15:44,416 --> 00:15:46,295
For a by-election candidate to
go around,
284
00:15:46,296 --> 00:15:49,175
on election day, kicking television
sets and killing goldfish...
285
00:15:49,176 --> 00:15:53,095
I didnae kill the goldfish!
It's all over town, Bob.
Shall we wait for the autopsy?
286
00:15:53,096 --> 00:15:56,975
Well, if you lose your deposit,
you've only got yourself to blame.
287
00:15:56,976 --> 00:15:58,495
What do you mean, "lose"?
288
00:15:58,496 --> 00:16:02,137
You need 5% of the vote
to have your deposit returned.
289
00:16:02,138 --> 00:16:04,016
Which will be around...
290
00:16:04,017 --> 00:16:05,976
1,000 votes.
291
00:16:05,977 --> 00:16:09,415
That... That... That can't be
right. It's supposed to deter
timewasters.
292
00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:14,495
Timewasters?! Well, Rhona, if
standing up for the people and
shooting from the hip is timewasting
293
00:16:14,496 --> 00:16:18,095
then we might as well haul up the
white flag, get on a spaceship,
294
00:16:18,096 --> 00:16:20,095
drop the keys off to the
Martians and say,
295
00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:22,737
"All right, you boys have a go
at living on Earth if you like,
296
00:16:22,738 --> 00:16:24,697
"because we've fucked it!"
297
00:16:27,857 --> 00:16:30,057
God, this is going to be a long
night.
298
00:16:34,737 --> 00:16:36,337
Bob... You'll get your dough, Frank.
299
00:16:36,338 --> 00:16:38,336
My new bathroom, Bob.
300
00:16:38,337 --> 00:16:40,935
It's both elegant and practical.
Frank!
301
00:16:40,936 --> 00:16:43,775
My entire reputation's on the line
here! Never mind your bathroom!
302
00:16:43,776 --> 00:16:45,655
Bob... There's nothing wrong
303
00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:48,057
with your old bathroom.
I ripped it oot.
304
00:16:48,058 --> 00:16:50,577
When? Last Saturday night.
305
00:16:51,817 --> 00:16:54,417
Thought I might as well
get ahead in the job.
306
00:16:55,537 --> 00:16:56,736
I was...
307
00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:59,097
heavily inebriated.
308
00:17:01,017 --> 00:17:04,417
Where have you been going
to the toilet?
309
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:06,977
Just sort of...
310
00:17:08,457 --> 00:17:09,777
on the hoof.
311
00:17:14,417 --> 00:17:15,617
All right, lads?
312
00:17:16,777 --> 00:17:20,055
No, no, no, no. You can't talk
to us. Er, which one's mine?
313
00:17:20,056 --> 00:17:22,535
Can we do hot and cold?
Mr Servant, please go away.
314
00:17:22,536 --> 00:17:27,055
Oh, come on, hen. Gie's a break.
I mean, you're... you're not robots,
you people. You have to have hearts.
315
00:17:27,056 --> 00:17:30,135
You are breaking
several regulations right now,
316
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:31,535
so if you could please...
317
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:33,335
Interfering with
the vote counters now?
318
00:17:33,336 --> 00:17:35,055
My word, you're having a
spectacular day.
319
00:17:35,056 --> 00:17:37,377
No, no, no. Just checking the
troops.
320
00:17:37,378 --> 00:17:42,296
Must be pretty boring for them,
seeing my name over and over again.
321
00:17:42,297 --> 00:17:44,136
You're just a...
322
00:17:44,137 --> 00:17:45,977
cocky-longlegs.
323
00:17:46,977 --> 00:17:48,097
Cocky-longlegs?
324
00:17:49,737 --> 00:17:52,137
I am extremely tired.
325
00:18:12,177 --> 00:18:13,616
Ladies and gentlemen.
326
00:18:13,617 --> 00:18:17,977
Thank you for your patience.
The results will be announced
in five minutes.
327
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,177
Well, good luck, Bob...
328
00:18:39,177 --> 00:18:40,617
with your reputation.
329
00:18:41,777 --> 00:18:43,576
And you, Frank,
330
00:18:43,577 --> 00:18:45,977
with your... bathroom.
331
00:18:54,777 --> 00:18:56,815
I can't tell you anything, Bob.
332
00:18:56,816 --> 00:18:59,577
Well, just tell me, just tell me
it's not boo boy material,
Rhona.
333
00:18:59,578 --> 00:19:02,816
Just tell me that, please.
Get back.
334
00:19:02,817 --> 00:19:04,057
Morning.
335
00:19:07,177 --> 00:19:08,297
Oh!
336
00:19:10,057 --> 00:19:11,897
Nearly gave myself a hot bot!
337
00:19:11,898 --> 00:19:13,736
Ladies and gentlemen,
338
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:16,577
I have here the results of the
Broughty Ferry by-election.
339
00:19:18,377 --> 00:19:22,056
Blackburn, Susan.
340
00:19:22,057 --> 00:19:25,817
4,296.
341
00:19:33,537 --> 00:19:34,896
Apologies.
342
00:19:34,897 --> 00:19:38,056
Edwards, Nick.
343
00:19:38,057 --> 00:19:42,177
9,546.
344
00:19:49,297 --> 00:19:50,896
Sorry.
345
00:19:50,897 --> 00:19:53,616
Ferrie, Thomas.
346
00:19:53,617 --> 00:19:57,216
5,872.
347
00:19:57,217 --> 00:20:00,577
Him?! This is insane!
348
00:20:03,297 --> 00:20:06,217
Just whisper mine. Back!
349
00:20:09,297 --> 00:20:12,217
Servant, Robert.
350
00:20:13,737 --> 00:20:17,057
112.
351
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,217
Triple figures.
352
00:20:30,857 --> 00:20:36,536
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about
to embark on an extraordinary
journey,
353
00:20:36,537 --> 00:20:42,576
and though I will be based in
Westminster, for... practical
reasons,
354
00:20:42,577 --> 00:20:44,176
from this day forward,
355
00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:46,376
I am a Brochty...
356
00:20:46,377 --> 00:20:49,457
Broughty.
...Broughty Ferry man.
357
00:20:57,937 --> 00:21:00,016
Firstly...
358
00:21:00,017 --> 00:21:03,856
As a GENUINE Broughty Ferry man,
359
00:21:03,857 --> 00:21:07,936
I officially withdraw my bid.
360
00:21:07,937 --> 00:21:10,016
Secondly...
361
00:21:10,017 --> 00:21:15,216
To the people who, it could be
argued, got more votes than me,
362
00:21:15,217 --> 00:21:17,737
if you have cheated, and just now
it's only a rumour,
363
00:21:17,738 --> 00:21:22,177
then that is something
you'll have to live with.
364
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:28,136
But more important, more important
than the also-rans
365
00:21:28,137 --> 00:21:31,217
is a wee man standing over
there, with glasses,
366
00:21:31,218 --> 00:21:33,656
called Frank.
367
00:21:33,657 --> 00:21:35,576
Over the last six weeks,
368
00:21:35,577 --> 00:21:38,576
he has worked like a... farmer.
369
00:21:38,577 --> 00:21:41,616
And yet recently,
370
00:21:41,617 --> 00:21:45,896
Frank has been unable to go to the
toilet in his own home.
371
00:21:45,897 --> 00:21:49,616
Ladies and gentlemen,
372
00:21:49,617 --> 00:21:51,936
as long as we live in a world
373
00:21:51,937 --> 00:21:54,496
where it is possible for a good
man
374
00:21:54,497 --> 00:21:58,137
to be unable to go to the toilet in
the comfort of his own home,
375
00:21:58,138 --> 00:21:59,897
I shall keep fighting.
376
00:22:01,057 --> 00:22:05,135
And to those of you who think you've
seen the last of Bob Servant,
377
00:22:05,136 --> 00:22:08,217
well, you're wrong. Because you
haven't seen the last of Bob Servant.
378
00:22:09,217 --> 00:22:10,657
So, good night...
379
00:22:11,737 --> 00:22:13,736
God bless...
380
00:22:13,737 --> 00:22:16,057
and safe journey home.
381
00:22:19,977 --> 00:22:21,296
And if,
382
00:22:21,297 --> 00:22:23,056
on that journey home,
383
00:22:23,057 --> 00:22:27,376
you should see a little child
looking sad...
384
00:22:27,377 --> 00:22:29,136
then...
385
00:22:29,137 --> 00:22:30,857
stop the car...
386
00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:33,296
open the door,
387
00:22:33,297 --> 00:22:35,697
coax them inside...
388
00:22:37,257 --> 00:22:39,176
turn off the lights
389
00:22:39,177 --> 00:22:41,577
and give that little child...
390
00:22:42,817 --> 00:22:45,176
the tightest cuddle you have
391
00:22:45,177 --> 00:22:47,416
and say...
392
00:22:47,417 --> 00:22:51,497
"That's from old Bob."
393
00:22:55,577 --> 00:22:56,897
Good night!
394
00:23:08,337 --> 00:23:11,056
I'll get you your bathroom,
Frank.
395
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,977
It's not aboot the bathroom, Bob.
396
00:23:14,537 --> 00:23:15,696
I know it's not.
397
00:23:32,177 --> 00:23:34,377
Yes, you can use the karaoke.
Just don't touch...
398
00:23:34,378 --> 00:23:35,776
Whoa!
399
00:23:35,777 --> 00:23:39,496
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
400
00:23:39,497 --> 00:23:41,297
Whoa!
401
00:23:42,937 --> 00:23:46,616
Whoa! Whoa!
402
00:23:46,617 --> 00:23:51,257
Bob, these gentlemen are the lucky
recipients of your charitable
initiative.
403
00:23:51,258 --> 00:23:54,736
Sorry, folks.
I'm staying put.
404
00:23:54,737 --> 00:23:57,056
The homeless party's off.
405
00:23:57,057 --> 00:23:59,415
But, Bob, these men need
your help.
406
00:23:59,416 --> 00:24:01,215
I can see that. Right, lads...
407
00:24:01,216 --> 00:24:03,457
It's back under the railway
arches for you tonight.
408
00:24:04,937 --> 00:24:09,737
Ach, you'll be fine. Just get a
fire going and tell sad stories.
409
00:24:11,257 --> 00:24:13,056
Hey! Hey! You.
410
00:24:13,057 --> 00:24:15,216
Is that my snazzy jacket?
411
00:24:15,217 --> 00:24:18,177
That, right there...
412
00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:21,377
is the final straw.
413
00:24:30,297 --> 00:24:31,457
Well done, Frank!
414
00:24:35,177 --> 00:24:38,296
Frank! Frank, what are you doing?!
415
00:24:38,297 --> 00:24:40,297
Frank! Frank!
416
00:24:42,297 --> 00:24:44,097
They're not my trousers, Frank.
417
00:24:45,857 --> 00:24:48,057
Stop it, Frank! Stop it.
You're being an idiot.
418
00:24:48,058 --> 00:24:51,937
I am not an idiot, Bob.
I am just doing my best.
419
00:24:53,057 --> 00:24:56,697
I am just doing my best.
420
00:24:58,697 --> 00:25:01,457
Frank!
421
00:25:02,537 --> 00:25:05,136
Frank! Frank!
422
00:25:05,137 --> 00:25:06,817
Frank!
423
00:25:25,697 --> 00:25:27,536
Listen, Frank.
424
00:25:27,537 --> 00:25:30,497
Let me tell you something
aboot winning and losing.
425
00:25:31,777 --> 00:25:35,657
Because you're probably wondering who
won the by-election.
426
00:25:35,658 --> 00:25:38,016
It was Edwards.
No, Frank.
427
00:25:38,017 --> 00:25:39,416
Who really won it.
428
00:25:39,417 --> 00:25:42,056
No, it was Edwards.
Frank,
429
00:25:42,057 --> 00:25:45,215
if we'd won the by-election,
we'd be aff to London
430
00:25:45,216 --> 00:25:47,775
to shake things up down
there, correct?
431
00:25:47,776 --> 00:25:49,975
But the punters don't want
that to happen.
432
00:25:49,976 --> 00:25:52,935
No, they... they made that quite
clear. Exactly.
433
00:25:52,936 --> 00:25:54,417
They want us right here.
434
00:25:56,697 --> 00:25:59,256
They've sent us a clear
message.
435
00:25:59,257 --> 00:26:00,696
"Stay here, lads,
436
00:26:00,697 --> 00:26:03,656
"because we need you,
we admire you,
437
00:26:03,657 --> 00:26:07,417
"we like what we've seen
and we want to see more."
438
00:26:08,977 --> 00:26:11,335
Broughty Ferry has spoken,
Francis.
439
00:26:11,336 --> 00:26:15,057
And I will not play deaf to the
people of Broughty Ferry.
440
00:26:15,058 --> 00:26:18,816
Neither will I.
We did it, Frank.
441
00:26:18,817 --> 00:26:21,216
We more or less did it.
442
00:26:21,217 --> 00:26:22,936
We sort of won.
443
00:26:22,937 --> 00:26:27,577
Pretty much. Now, I believe we've got
a party to go to.
444
00:26:55,777 --> 00:26:58,297
You got that 60 quid for the
party, lads?
445
00:26:58,298 --> 00:26:59,776
Sorry, Stewpot.
446
00:26:59,777 --> 00:27:02,537
Nae win, nae fee.
447
00:27:07,897 --> 00:27:09,256
Revolting.
448
00:27:09,257 --> 00:27:11,456
Cheers.
449
00:27:12,973 --> 00:27:23,078
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
450
00:27:23,138 --> 00:27:25,336
So, what's next, Bob?
451
00:27:25,337 --> 00:27:29,617
Frank... think about the most exciting
thing you can.
452
00:27:31,457 --> 00:27:32,577
Now double it.
453
00:27:33,657 --> 00:27:35,457
Now times it by ten.
454
00:27:36,937 --> 00:27:40,177
Oh, Francis, Francis, not
even close!
455
00:27:41,497 --> 00:27:45,176
Morning, lads! Bob Servant,
independent!
34336
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