Original subtitles

I'm the best here, that's for sure.

Okay, I'm a lot better than you.

Aye? What game are you playing, G?

Nah, actually, you want to know who is a beast though?

The Secret G straight up.

No, Moses is the best. Hands down.

The Secret already beat Moses, bro.

He's the all-time champion of Galaxy Gods.

Ooh, well, if you want to be anything like the Secret,

what are you gonna do to beat Tama's card?

Oh, sorry then, you pretty good, bro.

What are you laughing at, Riko? Hurry up and go.

Oh, is it my turn?

Oh, bro, just hurry up, man. I'm sick of this shit.

I don't know if I can beat Tama's card, eh.

Fuck up. What have you got? Come on.

- Oh, fuck. - Aliens. Shit.

Now, that's bullshit. He can't even play that.

No, he can like he only played a Gold Token.

If one of us had like a Bloodstone or a Monkey God, we could have beaten him.

Is this the Monkey God?

Why didn't you play it, Tama?

Because Hemi told me to save it 'til the next round.

What the fuck, Hemi?

Oh, it's just standard play when you're trying to gain more points

and how was I supposed to know that he was gonna play that card?

I haven't seen it in ages.

Boy, you guys are shit, here give us your cards.

Bro, if we withdraw now, we'll be able to reveal his high cards.

Yes!

Fuck off. You can't do that.

- Yes, you can. - No, you can't.

Yes, you can, bro. You need to play Tama.

I'm not playing Tama.

- Play me. - No.

- Play me. - Nah, cunt.

- Play me. - No, cunt.

Why won't you play me?

Do you wanna bong?

Yeah.

Bro, that bong was ruthless, G.

Cup of tea for you fellas, Riko.

Auntie, we're all good..

Thank you very much, Mrs. T.

- Oh, you're a nice boy. - Thank you.

Enjoy these, lads.

Drink your tea, too. It's good for you.

They look delicious. Thank you, Mrs. T.

Ka pai, eat up.

What the fuck is this?

She gets confused with the salt and the sugar.

Dick, you knew that.

Yeah, these are pretty nice.

Oh, bro, that tastes like piss.

Ah, that means she put jimbu in it.

What the fuck is jimbu?

Something that tastes like piss.

I thought you were hungry as.

Bro, what's up with tea? I thought we were going hard tonight.

Yeah, tea relaxes you. Skull up.

Yeah, bro, so I had this one guy on the ground

and I just fucking smacked him in the face.

Like I was just booting this guy and there's about 10 of them around me

and I'm pretty sure one of them had a knife.

But they weren't going to step out and fuck with me because they knew not to hurt me

because I wouldn't feel anything.

Didn't one guy already smash you?

Nah, like one guy got like a little hit in and I had like a little bit of a blood nose

but it was like fucking nothing because I've been conditioned to take hits.

So I don't like feel anything.

- You could hit me right now and I wouldn't feel anything. - Mate.

- Eh, Riko? - Hit him.

- Yeah, go and like hit me. Hit me. - Hit him.

- You wanna go? - Yeah, hit me.

I reckon you'll drop nuts.

Well, at least my nuts have dropped.

That's my boy.

You're a big talker, eh?

Yeah, well, you're a little pussy bitch because you can't hit me.

- You little pussy bitch. - Yeah.

- Fuck off, Riko. - Let's go to the pub.

Let's go see some girls, or something.

Yeah, that's us.

Yeah, hard, G.

Oh, what?

I didn't know you were actually gonna hit me.

Fuck, you're an egg, bro.

Hey, Tama, race starts now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My engine's not finished.

I'm beating you.

Your car's a piece of shit!

It's stripped, it's light as fuck and that's why I'm winning!

Weight doesn't matter when it comes to top speed.

It's all about horsepower, bitch!

Then why am I overtaking you, you cunt!

- What did he say? - He said your car is shit!

Fuck off!

Speed's all good but it's about the brains, motherfucker.

Riko. Riko. Riko. Oh, shit.

Wake up. Oi.

You got fuckin' rolled, G.

- Shame cunt, shame cunt. - You got me. You got me.

Riko? Riko? Riko?

- That was fucking good. - Fuck up. You're... Fuck, you're a dumb-ass.

That was me! That was good. That was fucking good, G.

You got your gun? You got your gun? You got your gun?

- You got your gun? Go, go, go grab it. - Yes. Yes. Yes.

Grab it, grab it, hurry up.

Oh, what the fuck?

What have you done? Oh, no! No, Riko!

- No, no, fuck! - Is he dead?

Yes, he's dead.

Riko, no.

Oh, no, come on. Come on. Come on, please.

Oh, fuck. Shit, sorry, bro.

Oh, fuck!

Wankers, put that gun away.

Fuck, you're a good cunt, G.

Got him!

Put that fucking gun away. It's dangerous.

Bro, what are you talking about?

- Oh, shit. - We can do whatever we want.

We are in the middle of nowhere. Okay?

So, you need to chill out. It's not like I'm gonna shoot anyone, jeez.

Fuck. Well, just remember, alright, race is still on, bitch!

Shit.

♪ Liquor, liquor, liquor Mr. Liquor can you please Give me a 40 ♪

♪ So I can ride the horsey The horsey ♪

♪ And I know that I might go Crazy if I don't get some ♪

♪ Please give me some liquor Put it in my system ♪

♪ Now listen Liquor, liquor, liquor ♪

♪ Mr. Liquor can you please Give me a 40 ♪

Boys, they are way out of our league.

Out of your league, G.

- Go, bring them over. - Go, you pussy.

I'm a pussy, yeah, who's the one going to do it?

Stop talking about it.

I'll... I'll do it now, shut up.

If you were a banana, I'd split you.

I mean, if you were a banana, I'd find you appealing.

Huh?

Anymore?

Fuck, okay.

If I was a fly, I'd be all over your shit.

I mean, oh, fuck.

If I was a fly, I would be all over you because you're the shit.

Okay, wait.

Take a look around. Take a look around.

Take a look at my mates. Ugly as fuck.

Yeah, you're not gonna get much better than this.

I'm just being honest, so what I will do for you is do you a favor. Okay?

Okay.

After you guys have had a few hours exploring whatever is here,

there's nothing here, something's gonna sink in.

And it will probably be this face, here.

And when that happens, you give me a call, okay?

Footage has emerged of the large fireball that lit up the sky at 3:30 today

in the Waikato region.

Oh, Johnny, you fucking see that?

Ah, oh, fuck. The fucking sky is falling, B.

Oh, cheers Johnny.

No, no, no, the hangi is next weekend.

Experts say that it was a large meteor that burned up in the atmosphere.

Whoa, that's from around here, eh.

There have been no reports of damage or impact.

Authorities urge residents of Whakamaru or Mangakino

- to contact the police if any more information...

- Hey, Riko, I forgot to tell you

that I saw your Auntie the other day at the dairy

and she was babbling on about some tracking devices in milk cartons.

Fuck, I don't know.

Fuck, I reckon, just... just for society's sake,

she probably needs to be locked up in a loony bin, eh?

Bro, has she done anything to hurt you, bro?

- No. - Then shut the fuck up, cunt.

Oh, come on, Riko.

Shit, Hemi.

Whatever, he's just a sooky bubba.

Sometimes I wonder if he's crazy like his Auntie.

- You all good, bro? - Yeah, I'm sweet, bro.

But fuck, I'm gonna drop him, G, straight up.

- Who, Hemi? - Yeah, fuck Hemi, bro.

I'm over him talking shit about my fucking Auntie.

I know she's crazy, bro. She says weird ass shit, bro.

She cooks weird ass shit. I still eat it, bro.

I fucking love her, bro.

Hard, bro, let's go get some food.

Yeah, fuck hard.

Fuck, I'm pretty wasted, G.

You're not driving. You're coming with me. Come on.

No, my fucking bike, bro.

Leave it here. We'll pick it up another time. Come on, get in.

Everyone thinks it sounds cheesy but Ronaldo has such soft skin.

He is so hot.

You should feel like his hair when I run my fingers through it.

I'm not boring you, am I?

- OMG, it's him. - Who?

The fucking guy. He's back.

OMG, he is so hot.

Welcome to Red Ringas.

- What are you getting? - I'm gonna get, uh...

Can I please have the chili-con-carnage, please?

One Carnage!

Why don't you get something different.

- You always eat chili... - Because the chili-con-carnage is mean.

And I want a flaming red ringa burger.

Do you want breast or thigh?

I want breast.

Mm-Hm.

Food ready.

Hey, boys, you want to finish off with some dessert?

Fuck. Auntie, what's wrong with the door?

Get in here.

Why do you have cans? Why do you have these cans on the door?

Shh, shh! They're out there.

- Who's out there? - Aliens, they're outside. I've seen them.

- There's no one outside. - Yes, there is, Riko!

They're out there. It's true. I've seen them.

What? You've seen what?

There's... there's... You haven't seen anything.

I've seen an eyeball in the toilet.

It was swimming around in the toilet.

It swam up, looked at me, and then swam away again.

You saw an eyeball in the toilet? Are you serious?

My mate sees you in the dairy and he hears you talking crazy stuff.

And now you're talking about an eyeball and what?

Did it pop up in the toilet? And say hi?

No eyeball saw you in the toilet.

You're talking about aliens outside. There's nothing in this toilet.

Do you see any fucking alien in there?

You better watch your bloody mouth, boy, or you can get out!

I'm sorry, Auntie.

Have you... have you been taking your pills?

Oh, of course, I've been taking my pills.

- Who do you think I am? - I am sorry for getting you upset.

Well! You don't bloody believe me, eh?

- Let's just have some tea. - Jeez!

Yo, 'sup? 'Sup, hello?

Hello, I met you at the bar. Can I come over?

Are you serious? Oh, my... Fuck.

I mean, yeah! I mean, oh, shit, um, I'll... I'll text you the address.

Oh, shit. Just come, come around the back because my aunt...

Uh, the dogs. There's dogs out on the street.

Okay. I will see you soon. I am looking forward to it.

Are you sure? Oh, thank you. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I'll see you soon.

Oh. Oh, shit!

Okay, son, let's do it. You look good. You are tough.

Mm, she called you. She called you!

You want this D? You want this D?

You're gonna get it all up in your P.

Uh-huh, and we're going to spell

Penetration Detention.

How... how, uh... How was your night?

Hey, you look cold. Do you want a blanket?

Yeah, I can put it over you while I bend that ass over.

Hey, did you want some food?

Because I can give you these nuts, motherfucker, no!

What? What are you saying? Ba boosh! Ba boosh! Ba boosh!

You like that? Huh? You do like that?

My name is Riko but you can call me beast. Ah!

Yes, Riko!

Shhhhhh!

They can hear you, you know?

What the fuck, Auntie?

Get out! Get out!

They are in the walls.

What are you doing sitting there? Get out!

Get out! She's not leaving.

Hold on, let me finish. Hold on.

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck?

Hey, you've got a small dick.

What?

L, shut up. You got a small dick, too.

You fucking both got small dicks.

You talk about seeing my big dick?

This big fucking dick here, I'll fuckin' tie your little small dicks together.

You didn't see this big dick today.

Still got a small dick!

They can hear you, you know?

They're in the walls.

, boy, what's wrong?

I think, um... I think I saw something.

You've seen the aliens, eh? You saw them?

- I've seen them too... - Wait, wait, wait. Just wait, Aunt.

Just let me think.

, boy, but I'm glad you've seen them.

Now you've seen them, now you can't call me crazy.

I've seen some freaky stuff when we were on tour in Australia.

I was with the band Jinko.

Mind you we were smoking some pretty strong Te Puke thunder.

We were taking some acid, too.

But anyway, all that stuff it just opens up your mind

and allows you to see the stuff that's really right there, in our toilet.

And I saw two aliens outside when I was doing the gardens.

I didn't see anything.

You've seen them. It's all right.

So, I believe you, millions wouldn't, but I believe you.

What the fuck? Nah, nah, nah.

Hello! You're on my farm.

Oh, shit, ah!

Fucking aliens terrorize

a salacious swingers romp.

Right, and you're sure we can write the F word?

Of course, we can use the fucking F word. It's my blog.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

With 2 million subscribers who would do whatever I say.

We can tell them to go and jump and they probably would.

Oh, I'm feeling it. Saleem, I'm feeling it.

The muses, the muses are talking to me.

Okay. Open a doc... open a Word document. Okay, here we go.

Sorry, sometimes they take a bit of time. Okay.

"Are we intruding?" The alien said.

Jenny removed the dildo from her brother.

Great. Okay, the meteor is going to come crashing down into the dam.

It's going to rip it open and it's going to flood a village of indigenous people,

the last Maori tribe.

Great.

I just wish we could do a story with... with less titles and no fake aliens,

just something with scientific documentation.

Scientific? No one reads scientific documentation, Saleem.

Okay, we need a story with guts!

We need a story with UFOs, aliens, stuff like that. Exciting stuff.

So, when the meteor enters the atmosphere, assuming it doesn't disintegrate...

- Yeah. - It will be landing exactly in this area right here.

Oh, crap. How far away is that? Okay, let's just go. Let's go.

So, we should be there in 62 minutes.

62 minutes, we should be in there, but it's hitting in an hour.

- Yes, I know... - Oh, Saleem, we have to be there faster.

Why did you let me stop at that cafe?

Look, we could still make it if we increase it 20 kilometers an hour.

The coffee wasn't even worth...

Oh, shit.

Did you... did you just hit a quail?

Was it a quail? I don't... I don't think I hit it. Did I?

Yes, you did. I... saw the feathers.

Should... should we just go back and look?

You have seen the Lion King, right?

It's the circle of life. We don't need to...

Something will come along and eat it

and it will be thankful that we killed it for it. So...

- Look, the Lion King... - I don't think we need to worry about the quail, okay?

The quail is the least of our worries.

- But we could just, uh... We could still make it. - No.

- We could... - It is dead, Saleem.

The quail is dead. Give me that.

Peter. Peter.

Alright, so, according to my calculations I think...

I am certain that the meteorite will be flying over that area

in approximately 15 seconds.

Okay, perfect.

Now what we're going to do is we're going to sell it that

the aliens are traveling in the meteor's slipstream, okay? That's what we're doing.

- Now is the camera ready? Come on. - Okay.

So later you can edit a UFO behind the meteor,

or like they're sneaking in behind it, undetected.

Oh, shit.

- Did you get that? - I sure did.

- Okay. - Beautiful.

Holy shit! Run!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off! Fuck, fuck off!

I'm a fucking black belt. My Uncle is Jackie Chan! My Uncle's Jackie Chan.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off!

That's funny, eh?

Ow, ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, that's funny.

Chur. Chur, Chur.

I... Chur, hi.

. Chur.

Yo, what's up?

Who are you?

Gurgus.

Gurgus.

Ge... Gurgus? Riko.

Hi. Who are you?

Did you say Jeff? Oh, that's a mean name. Jeff.

Oh, yeah, so Jeff. Gurgus.

You's were snooping around my Auntie's house.

Why?

Why, why, why? What the fuck?

Did you just smoke shit from my house?

What the fuck?

Ha-ha.

You're smoking shit! Like, shit.

No, what the, ooh! Fuck off, Gurgus. No.

No, I smoke like actual good shit. Not shit.

Yeah. Fucking aliens.

Hey, so you see these trees?

Yeah, we like cut them down and shit to like make...

turn into like monies and toilet paper.

Toilet paper is the stuff we use to wipe our ass for the shit.

So, you guys actually have a way better way of disposing it because you like smoke it.

Fuck, it just disappears.

I agree, Riko.

What the fuck? You could speak this whole time?

We have just recalibrated our communications systems.

Oh, shit. Fuck, what is that?

Can you change your voice?

'Cause you like sound Australian like. Ugh.

Is this better?

That's way better, G. Yeah, my Jeff. My Jeff.

Okay, listen up. Gurgus.

Jeff.

You're about to play some rugby.

Gurgus, you're on my team.

Jeff, you're the opposition.

The Rugby World Cup.

Jeff, you are France. Gurgus, me and you are All Blacks.

This is it, guys. This is it. The fans are watching.

Your family at home is watching. Your mo' homies in space are watching. Okay?

Gurgus, you have the ball. We got the ball. We got the upper hand.

The try line is just behind Jeff.

What you're going to do, Gurgus, is you're going to pass it off to me on the B. Okay?

Jeff, you're the opposition.

So when I have the ball, bro, you wanna... you wanna crum me, bro, you bang.

You just wanna put me out because I'm like fucking Sonny Bill crossed with Jonah Lomu.

Yeah, yeah, fans are like, "Bro, he's gonna waste 'em."

Yeah, so you better... It's all on you, cuz.

Are you ready, eh? Are you ready?

Gurgus, go, Gurgus! Go, Gurgus!

Pass it, Gurgus, pass it! Pass it! Pass it!

You got rolled, G. You see that, Gurgus?

You see that, yeah, All Blacks all day, all day!

It's what you call rugby, Gurgus?

Jeff, oh, fuck, do you want a hand, G?

So this is my hood, probably not as mean as yours, though.

You's probably got like a freaking laser city, like where heaps of alien bitties.

Why did you guys even come all this way, man?

To get shit? Like, you could have just got it from Uranus.

Anyways, this really high bridge here,

by my cousin Hokie, did the meanest bomb off here, man. You should've seen it.

He's dead now, though.

But like, once you've died, they put you in the ground over there.

Do you guys die?

Eh, yeah, well, my parents are dead. They're buried over there.

♪ I'm an alien I'm a legal alien ♪

Oh, you guys know that song?

Far, that would be a banger in space.

I wrote that song, straight up. I did, Jeff.

You wouldn't know.

Yo, I got yous.

I need to like humanize you because you guys look all fucked up and shit.

Oh, not fucked up, just like not normal. Yeah, not normal.

This one time... Oh, fuck, Jeff. One time, my Uncle had like this scab on his lip

and I swear it was herpes 'cause he'd keep getting with the same chick and it got huge.

His face was fucked like kids were scared of it and shit.

So like, you got the same problem.

Not the same problem but do you guys even get STDs?

Oh, hey, so look at me. Hold up, oh, ew. Fuck no, ew.

That was even worse than before. Ew, shit. Come here, Gurgus.

I fucking knew it!

You just look like Tupac up in...

Oh, you don't even know who that is.

Hold up, Jeff, come here.

Yo, yeah, you're like a blue James Brown.

Mm, yeah, do you reckon Jeff looks good?

Fuck yeah. Hard. You're gonna get all the bitties, G. Yeah!

One sec. Yo.

Yo.

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, we got this!

Fuck yeah. Looks bad, eh?

Where the fuck's Jeff? Fuck!

Bring me back my car!

What the fuck!

Hurry up, Gurgus!

Go, go, go. Go, go go, Jeff. Go, Jeff. Go Jeff!

♪ Welcome to Zygertron ♪

♪ It's Aztechknowledgey ♪

♪ Ancient Cryptology ♪

♪ Hieroglyphic Tragedy ♪

♪ We drown in the cosmic sea ♪

♪ We don't come From a long line of chiefs ♪

♪ We wrestled with thieves ♪

♪ Fought hard To get out from beneath ♪

♪ It's too late ♪

There it is, me aliens, Auckland city.

The big white cloud.

Shit, that's got everything you ever need.

Does it have an isolated inter-galaxy space port.

Shit, I don't fucking know. I've never been there.

Hey, man!

What, G?

Oh, shit! Go! Go!

Yeah! Ooh!

Hey!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Beast!

- Fuck! What are you doing in here? - Get out! Get out!

Get the fuck out! Out! Get out! Get out! Go!

Ah, far out, eh, cuz, I was trying to take a shit, eh!

Fuck off!

♪ Let's play that human races Na, man, I'm just joking ♪

♪ I took a shit, uh And I'm just smoking ♪

♪ And now they're choking And they be tokin ' ♪

♪ Now, yeah, I'm provoking 'Cause I'm Íust about To take your honey ♪

♪ Now I'm about to give you All my money ♪

♪ Yeah, because I'm rich, bitch I'm about to... ♪

Oh, shit. Whoa, go! Go! Go!

- It's just the vibe. - Really? Oh, my gosh!

What the fuck?

Shh, guys. Wait here. Wait.

Oh, fuck no. Oh, fuck no.

Fuck, those are my Auntie's plants.

She smokes more than me, man.

Fuck off, man!

Yeah!

There he is! Come with me, ah!

- Grab him. Bring him in. - Oi! Wait, get off! I've got a small penis, oi!

Oh, boy, I'm... look, mate. Get off me!

- Bring him. - My penis is small.

♪ It's Aztechknowledgey ♪

♪ Worshipping the sun ♪

♪ Ancient cryptology ♪

Thanks for waiting, by the way.

Was it good?

It was good. It was, yeah.

I didn't actually think I was going to enjoy that as much as I did, mean.

♪ About the moons reflections ♪

♪ You got to look back To move on ♪

Goes back years, a forgotten experiment

and that, my friend, is why you humans, the Earth,

everything you know, that is how you are here.

Whoa! Far out!

Far, space is amazing, eh!

Do you guys reckon you can take me out to space sometime?

We would like that. Maybe you can fly.

Straight, you'll let me like fly the spaceship?

Ha-ha-ha. I think you guys are like my best mates. Yeah.

Hey, if you stole that hearse, did you steal the spaceship?

Yes.

Yeah! That's solid. I like that. I like that.

- Riko, do you know where we can get some more shit? - No.

- Please. - You guys scored an hour ago.

Why do you guys need more shit now?

Crackheads.

Fuck, help me.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, fuck, oh, okay, okay.

Help. Me.

I've got it. I've got it. I got it. Here, Gurgus. Gurgus. Gurgus.

Here, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, here, smoke. Smoke.

Smoke my shit.

Fuckin' hell, you guys are fritting out hard, eh?

You guys are fuckin' fiends. Who wants the last bit? There's a bit left.

- You can have it. - Fuck off. I'm not smoking my own shit.

Pussy bitch.

I'm not a pussy. Watch.

Watch, I'm not a pussy.

Fucking crackhead.

Fuck. Oh, shit. Fuck!

Ah, shit. Fuck!

Oh, my God! This shit is amazing.

Why didn't you tell me this shit is amazing?

Oh, my gosh, I'm horny. Oh, my gosh, I'm so...

Are you horny? Are you horny because I'm horny?

Yeah, we all horny, huh?

Mm-hm, I'm so fucking horny. Ah!

Yeah, I'm hungry for food. Do you want food right now?

Because I'm hungry, I know a place called Red Ringas in your bum hole.

Fuck, I love you guys so much. I love you.

Let's go, Red Ringas.

Baby?

Oh, you're so tired.

You were a lion.

- Mm-hm. - Auntie.

Jacinta wants some more.

Auntie, don't.

- I wasn't your Auntie last night. - What the fuck?

- Oh, hey, bear. - I don't know you! Go! Go! Get out!

Hold me! Hold me!

I don't want to hold you! What the fuck? Get out!

- Get in! - No! Get out, please

No more for you.

What the fuck?

Why are you still here?

Why are you still here?

This is my house. Did you take a shit?

No, no. I'm just checking the paint.

No, don't... don't come closer though.

Don't come in for maybe 5, 10, no, 45 minutes. It'll be safe.

Mr. Macintosh. Peter.

Where are we?

We're in a dairy factory. I brought you here.

You had a head concussion.

- The UFO. - It's real.

Oh, great. Oh.

- Where are my clothes? - They're over there.

- Why was I naked? - I had to strip you.

I thought you were injured or something.

But don't worry. You're perfectly fine. Mostly.

You have a fungal infection.

- Where's the UFO? - It's still at the crash site.

32.45 longitude and 1724...

Okay, what about the news? Was it reported on the news?

No, nothing. I checked all the local radio stations and newsfeeds.

Nothing has been sighted.

What is this? The door's not...

Where's the door handle? Come on, pull it. Pull it, come on. Good.

Ah. Great. So, so...

Where are my trousers?

I tried to tell you from... from before.

Go and get my trousers, Shalof, for Jesus' sake.

You shouldn't have even taken them off me in the first place.

It's just bizarre.

It's just bizarre that you took them off me.

Why was I naked? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, my head.

Fucking hell. Just hit the best shit ever.

Was fucking amazing.

You can't keep smoking the shit all day, every day.

You need... you need to know your limits.

What kind of shit was that? We should get some more.

It fucked us up real good. Do you know who did it?

What? From my house?

Oh, uh, eh. Did you smoke the shit?

I don't know who did it, but it was way better than yours.

What? She wasn't even meant to be at my house anyway.

She... she wasn't meant to shit.

We need some of the chunky shit, please.

That's, uh...

Why is there a toilet seat on Gurgus' head?

That... that seat, that's the whole...

Why is there a toilet seat on Gurgus' head?

We went dunny diving.

But anyways, we didn't find anything like the shit we just had.

Chunky, spicy, beautiful texture.

What, like a mean ass bud? Like the skunky ass,

like a skunky, hunky, cuncky bud?

Was it like a perfectly round?

Like a sausage, like a chode but a bit longer?

Yes, exactly.

Now we are best friends, will you help us get it?

Oh, for fuck sakes, man. Yeah, fine, okay, I'll get you...

I'll get you the... I'll get you skunky shit but that's it.

No, no more shit, okay?

That, no more.

Then we're going into space.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

There it is.

The UFO.

- I can't believe you were right all along. - Oh, Jesus. My God.

- Okay. We need to get some pictures stat. Okay? - Alright.

So get your camera out.

And what you'll do is, I'll start taking some photos

and you're gonna need to camouflage it. Okay?

- Use bracken fern or whatever. - I...

I forgot the camera in the car.

What...

You what?

Look, I... I had a lot on my mind. I just forgot it in the car.

Oh, Salon. What is wrong with you?

You had one job!

One job, that and holding your hand

- for every single minute you go. - Oh, Jesus, shh. -

- The alien is coming out. - I see it.

Ah! Oh, it's...

It's humanoid.

It's humanoid, Salon.

Ah! Fuck!

A very primitive form of humanoid.

Oh, okay. We're gonna have to follow.

Let's go, let's go.

Red Ringas, satisfying you, destroying your loo.

Hey, it's Riko, um, I was just trying to... Uh, that girl that stayed at my place last night,

- is she there? - Riko! That's me, Jacinta.

I'm so glad you called.

How are you, sugar lips?

Shut up, man. I mean, yeah. Nah.

Good, so good after last night, I can't stop thinking about it. That's why I was calling you.

OMG, last night was so good when you went down on me for an hour

and then switched it around and we did a 69er.

Fuck up, no, I didn't. I mean. Yeah, I did.

Yeah, I fucking helicoptered that shit.

I was thinking, yeah, did you want it again tonight?

Like after dinner? Maybe early dinner?

Dinner? Uh, of course, I can do dinner.

Yeah, how about the Chateau because like they got flash ass bathrooms.

- You can take a mean shit there. - What?

Yeah, I mean, they got flash-ass, overall so flash, you deserve that, my buttercup.

Um, yeah, 5 PM sound good?

5 PM is perfect, baby. 5 PM is perfect.

Yeah, 'cause we gotta make it a early dinner

'cause I wanna see you and be... be in you.

No, okay just be there, okay? Fuck off. I mean... I mean, I will lick you off.

Uh, okay, bye.

Bye.

So, who was he?

Well, I've been casually dating someone but it's starting to get serious.

- How serious? - Pretty serious.

I'll tell you what, you need to take these with you.

Ronaldo and I use them all the time.

It's a muscle relaxant, they're really good to have sex on.

- What's in it? - I don't know. Some herbal shit but it works.

It'll put you guys into a, I don't know, a placid state of sensuality.

It's amazing.

- No thanks, it's... - Trust me, you're not going to orgasm without it.

Let me just put that in there.

One little drop, it's all you need.

Okay.

Riko?

You look nervous. What's wrong?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Fuck.

- Fuck. - Why so high strung?

I'm fine. I'm fucking sweet.

Look, I think bypass this? Let's go upstairs.

- Make you feel good? - We're not... we're not going upstairs.

- Let's get that clear. - Why?

- Are you hungry? - Maybe.

Then order some fucking food.

I thought you wanted some more Jacinta.

Oi, oi, I'm sorry. Nah, oi.

You are... you are an amazing person and I didn't mean to say anything I just said.

- I didn't mean anything like that. - What?

What were you going to say?

- I wasn't going to say anything. - What?

For fuck sakes, wait here.

- Rabbit. - What the fuck, man?

I'm never doing anything for you ever again.

- What? Why? - What the fuck is this shit?

Why do I have to get her shit?

This is like some weird fetish shit.

Like what I caught my dad watching that time.

No, no, we need to get it for the aliens.

The aliens?

Oh, bro, it's hard to explain. You trust me, you trust me.

I'm starting to think Hemi was right about you, man.

Hemi? Fuck Hemi.

Who's always had your back? Aye?

You got shit-faced then blew up a goat.

I could have fucking uploaded that.

I didn't. You were a dick but I didn't even like you.

And this could be good for you, erase all your bad karma.

You're conditioned for this shit.

I am conditioned for this shit.

You're Ruthless Rabbit?

I am Ruthless Rabbit.

- Oh, we're boys. - We are boys.

- You ready? - Yeah. Yeah.

- You can do it, bro. - Yeah, I'm ready.

- You can do it. - I'm ready.

I am Ruthless Rabbit. Yeah.

One little drop, it's all you need.

- Hey! - What's up?

What's up?

Fuck, it's so hot in here, eh? I've got the dries like...

- Drink. - Going to the toilet?

Yeah, I'm thirsty. Are you not thirsty?

I am thirsty. I'll drink with you.

- Take a sip. - You first.

- Bottoms up. - Down the hatch?

Alright.

Mm.

- Nice. - It is.

It's interacting with another potential alien. This is astonishing.

Do you think she's an alien too?

Look, we can't be sure. We have to get closer and get an integumentary system sample.

So, so, so what is this?

Okay, yes, good question.

This is an Interstellar Council Meeting.

Yeah, I think we need to approach from around the side. Let's go.

Um, Miss, do you need any help in there?

Um, no thank you.

Um, I'm just... just making sure that you don't flush that toilet.

Um, if that's all right. Thank you, very much.

- Why? - Um, because the plumbing is broken.

The... the pipes are a mess.

You're just not gonna be able to flush that toilet.

What, flush the toilet?

No, no, do not flush that toilet.

I need you to not flush that toilet.

- So, flush it? - No! No, do not flush it!

- Flush the toilet? - No! No! No!

Grab that poo! Ah!

What the hell? What are you doing?

Ah, shit. It's gone.

I'm sorry, I thought you said flush it.

No.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

No, you must be thinking of my twin brother.

Huh, okay.

- I think you're a bit hotter. - Really?

Want a quickie?

Yeah. Fuck it!

She's dead?

She's dead?

Yeah, well, I totally crushed it like a Bloodstone.

Bloodstone?

- Yeah. - From Galaxy Gods?

- Yeah. - You know that game?

I'm a Third Grandmaster.

Fuck off. Have you ever played Moses at the Auckland Tournament?

I beat him.

No shit! Are you the Secret?

Was. I quit.

Too much so I moved back with my family but...

Are you serious? You're my idol.

I can't believe I spoke to you like that before.

I appreciate you so much.

You don't know how much I appreciate you.

I think I know a little bit.

What's wrong with my lip? What's wrong with my lip?

- It's fine. - What's wrong with my lip? I appreciate you so much.

Just relax.

- Well, shit. - It's fine you're...

I'm with The Secret.

Oh, are you a bit tired?

Would you like to go upstairs?

Get you upstairs for a cup of tea and a lie down?

Yeah?

Quick, get the inductor ready.

Alright, it's just... it's dangerous.

It's been tested on those animals and most of them lived.

I'm just saying it's a bit risky.

What's risky is letting these two escape, okay?

All right, all right, I'm just going to lower the intensity.

No, no, no, we need it up about 9.

- We need to put it in a mild coma. - Please don't touch!

Yes.

You're gonna kill it.

Okay. Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go. - It's on. It's on. It's on.

It's on maximum. It's on 10!

It's on 10! It's on 10!

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

- Is she out? Oh, God! - Yes, she's out.

You've done this all wrong, Saleem.

No, just shove that in there and I'm just gonna, oh...

What have you got in there? Is that my friend, Riko?

- Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. - What have you done to him?

We're just a temporary, um, ambulance.

Riko, ah!

Was that really necessary?

I don't know. I just panicked. Okay.

Quick! Come on, come on, come on. Come on, Saleem!

Get in there. Shove it in, that's it! All right, let's go!

Okay, you get that one out. Okay.

Okay, so we are 100% sure?

Definitely not an alien.

Definitely not.

I mean, I could have told you that.

I mean, you should have done your DNA analysis earlier.

I'm gonna wake him up.

Good morning.

Wake up.

Good morning.

He might be suffering from a short-term memory loss.

What the fuck are you doing?

Uh, we, uh, I'm a doctor and this is my nurse.

And we, eh, we've been, uh, employed by the Board of Healthy Living.

And we, uh, you're... We are in a quarantine.

You have been quarantined because you've had interaction with a UFO.

We know that you're not an alien.

But we saw you coming out of a UFO.

Was there an alien in that UFO?

Yeah, there's fucking two of them.

There's two aliens?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay, let's go back to the beginning.

Where did you meet these aliens?

What? You wanna know from the beginning-beginning?

From the beginning-beginning.

Because I actually know quite a bit.

Great. So these aliens, they...

So, I was at the bar, right?

I was at this bar and my mate, Rabbit, he's my mate,

and he's trying to get with this chick and shit.

And I knew she wasn't gonna get with him because, fuck, he's like ugly ass...

but that's why I hang out with him because I'm the better looking one.

Okay, so you're better looking than a Rabbit?

Anyway, so he was hitting this chick up.

He was like, "Yo. Yo, my name's Rabbit."

He's like, "What's your name?"

And she was like, she was like, "Ew, you're really fucking ugly and you look like a rabbit."

Fuck off, no, she didn't.

Yo, Rabbit!

Yeah, Riko, I'm in here.

Whereabouts are you? I can hear you but I can't see you.

I'm fucking in here, bro! Is that Rabbit?

Yeah, that's... Yes, that's your friend.

- Yes, we have been... - Why is he in here?

We're helping him as well. We're... Get them. Come on. Take care of these things.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Okay, we're helping him as well. He's, um... He's quite contagious, yeah.

Alright.

It's quite frightening. It's quite, it's quite grotesque.

Maybe he'll fucking turn into a rabbit.

Maybe. Maybe. Ha-ha.

Maybe he will. Hurry up.

You're pretty fuck... Ow!

Okay, what do the aliens want?

- Oxygen? - Oxygen?

- Yeah. - No, you idiot.

Jesus Christ, Saleem! Look, you come here with me. Come on.

Won't be a moment. Come on, Saleem.

Okay, look, we're gonna take this one

and we're gonna put it into the small room

and you're gonna perform a alien autopsy video. Okay?

A what?

A fucking alien autopsy video!

Come on, we'll put it on the blog and we'll get a buzz going. Come on.

Okay, we're gonna need two videos. Okay?

First one I want it kind of grainy, kind of what is it, you know?

And the second one, I want no orifice spared, okay?

I want the full body, okay, absolutely everything.

So that should take you a couple of hours.

Alright, but what... what...

No ifs or buts, just do it, okay?

I'm gonna lock you in here so that people won't disturb you, thanks.

- Sorry about him. He's... - My arm's sore.

Yeah, yes, okay. So, you were saying...

What was I saying? I forgot.

What are they here for?

Chill out, fuck, they're here for a good time, man. They're just here to have fun.

What do you mean, like parties and...

Partying, yeah, they want to party.

- Get their fucking Elvis Presley on. - Yeah, yeah.

- Michael Jackson, ooh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elvis Presley on.

But yeah, here for the drugs mainly. Here for the drugs, mainly.

- Drugs... Oh, drugs? - Yeah, drugs.

So, the, um... We're talking kind of pharmaceutical kind of drug.

Are we? We're talking...

Talking harder drugs, more kind of your P's, your meths?

- Oh. - Your kind of, a bit more, so, your marijuana?

- Your... your... your mushrooms? - Oh, oh, oh.

Your mushrooms? No, no, no? More like ecstasy and things?

Eci? I'm not very, I'm not very...

- Okay. - I just gave you a hint there.

Oi. Shit.

Okay, so, I'm going out on a bit of a limb here.

Are you suggesting...

It's human shit, bro. Human shit. Your shit.

They want your shit.

That's disgusting. It's completely disgusting. Do they eat it?

They don't fucking eat it, they smoke it.

They smoke feces?

They smoke shit, yeah.

First, they had my Auntie's, then I gave them some of my shit.

And then they were like fucking getting all needy and shit

and they don't want any of my shit anymore, said they want fucking Jacinta's.

She's got the fucking best shit.

Oh, Jacinta, the bigger one? Is that Jacinta? The big girl?

- What? - The... the bigger friend. Your bigger friend.

- Yeah, the larger one. - Okay. Okay.

They like the smell of shit.

You know what, I'm just going to be with you in a second.

You just hold tight, okay?

Okay, hi.

All right, so, I've got the video.

It's good but if we use a VHS tape,

- it will give us a more realistic look but... - Salon. Salon. Salon.

Salon. Salon. Salon. I'm going to need a stool sample. Okay?

Multiple stool samples. Okay? Thank you.

You want me to get a stool sample?

Yes, and be quick about it.

Thanks, Salon, I won't be a minute.

Salon? Saleem. The name is Saleem.

- How'd you get on? - Oh, great.

- Thank you, great. - Here are your samples.

Great. Thank you and, um, I need some more videos. Thanks.

Some more... Peter! Peter, let me out!

Hello.

My... my name is Peter Macintosh.

You are quite spectacular.

You're not going to hurt me, are you?

I don't... I don't understand.

Can you help us get the shit?

Hello?

Don't be afraid.

You are going to make me a lot of money.

Fuck. Why are you tied up?

- Who the fuck was that guy? - I don't know who they are.

I've never seen them before.

They knocked me out, now I'm gonna knock them out.

I feel like I've got the worst headache in the world.

I need to find the fucking aliens.

- Fuck. - Bro, you need to relax, all right?

Imagine, we go home, we set up on the couch for the afternoon and rip a cheeky bong.

You haven't got any Panadol, do you?

You hear that? Shh.

- Come. Shh. Come. - We shouldn't fuck with these guys, man.

Shh. Come, come. Follow me.

Ssh!

Peter.

Peter, are you out there? Come on, man. Stop playing games.

Could you please open the door?

I have done her from every single angle.

Could you please open the door?

- What the fuck is going on here? - No, no, no!

What the fuck is this?

Awe, what the fuck have you done to her?

It was all in the name of science, guys.

Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Oh, well, we might as well let him do it.

You said it was for science, right?

This is the fucker that kidnapped us.

Now he's got her tied up doing some weird shit to her.

No, we've gotta fuck him up.

- You want to fuck him up? - I want to fuck him up.

I'm gonna fuck you up.

Yeah, yeah, they're gonna call you smashed-face from now on.

Here, smashie, smashie.

Yeah, we're gonna make you suck a goat's dick.

Yeah, you don't want to suck a goat's dick.

Bad, bad thing to suck a goat's dick. Never again.

You've... you've sucked a goat's dick?

It was a dare.

You... You've sucked a deer's dick?

No, no, no. I didn't suck the deer. I got dared to suck the goat.

- How many... - It doesn't matter.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit. Come, let's go.

- Keep him there. I'm just gonna... - Shut your mouth!

What the fuck?

Thank you so much for coming, everybody, to the greatest event of humanity.

Throughout history, there's been so many events that have shaped human lives,

the World Wars, the Industrial Revolution, Apollo 11, Roswell, etcetera, etcetera.

But nothing compares to the event that's happening around us right now.

It's the biggest event of all humanity

and I have brought it to you.

Us humans have many unanswered questions.

Who are we? Where did we come from?

And are we alone in this great universe?

And tonight, I, Peter Macintosh, have proven once and for all that we are not alone.

We're gonna be taking these aliens straight to America and Europe for a tour.

- There's that doctor? - Asia too. They have their own...

Nah, that's not a doctor. That's the fucker that's been tasering me.

- What the fuck? - What's he doing here?

Why are they all... There's my boys! There's my boys!

But much, much harder.

- Wow! - I got an idea. I got an idea.

Follow me. Follow me.

Scientist, investigative reporter, or tabloid blogger?

Peter Macintosh has surely made a name for himself with UFO enthusiasts.

And today, he's putting his name on the line.

Mr. Macintosh has made an otficial announcement

that he has found extraterrestrial life or aliens.

He's currently holding a press conference in the Waikato

and plans to reveal them shortly.

Peter Macintosh has been blogging for over five years

and has had overwhelming success from his blog "Alien Chronicle"

which has a large subscription base of over 2 million.

Mr. Macintosh has been widely criticized about the authenticity of his articles.

Many believe, his stories are completely fabricated.

However, his fan base continues to grow rapidly.

A lot of you may be thinking, "Is this a hoax?" This is not a hoax.

How long you had them?

I've been following them for the last 1 O years,

but I've only had them in my grasp for the last 24 hours.

- Are they hostile? - Good question.

Let's find out, shall we, ladies and gentleman?

Get your cameras ready

and I am about to introduce you to The Macintoshian species.

Macintoshian Eve and Macintoshian Adam.

- What a waste of time. - What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen. There were... Look. There were...

Saleem! Oh, Saleem!

Listen, there were... there were some aliens, I swear.

They must be somewhere in the building.

They must... They couldn't have got far.

There are aliens floating around.

Please, just stay. I think you should just stay. Just stay.

Just stay.

Saleem.

- Bro, you weren't lying. - Yeah, I know. They're mean, ain't, bro?

Come, come, come on, come on.

Bro, they are amazing.

Yeah, they're amazing. We need to get outta here though.

Well, what's wrong with Gurgus?

Okay, the electricity has damaged her breathing.

We must get her back home, now.

Oh, shit, I can't, bro. Lift, Rabbit, lift!

Gurgus, you're all good, you're all good, you're all good.

Get in, Rabbit, get in!

Wait, I'm... I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay here.

- What the fuck, why? - I need to make sure that she's all right in there.

Why?

I feel bad, like I've been thinking a lot about bad karma.

Yeah, and?

Yeah, well, I want to start making some good karma.

- You just want a root, eh? - Yeah.

My boy! Ruthless Rabbit, ha-ha, yeah!

I'll tell you all about it.

No, I don't really want to know about it but...

Oh, hey, take care of yourself, bro. Take it easy.

You're the man, G, that a boy.

Did we go home together?

No, no. I... I don't think so.

You are kind of hot.

Well, I'm not a noble stallion or anything.

Yes, you are. I'm all the woman you need.

Oh, fuck, shit. That dude is chasing us!

Let's go faster.

Okay, okay, I'll lose him.

Oh, fuck.

- Riko, why did you skid out? - Skid?

No, no, no, no, fuck, that was me, fuck, yeah.

Just parked up, bro.

You were not in control.

Yeah, I was... I'm just fucking, I'm waiting for a mate.

Waiting for a mate.

- We nearly crashed. - No, nah, nah.

No, just waiting for a mate. Where is he?

What about Gurgus?

Oh, shit, that's right, yeah, no, we'll get him later, eh?

Riko, where the fuck have you been?

Fuck, bro, I need your help, G.

Bro, I was just thinking about the other night.

I'm real sorry about what I said.

Like you're not crazy, neither is your Auntie.

- So, yeah, sorry, bro. - No, nah, it's all good, G. It's all good.

Bro, I need your help though, bro. This dude's chasing us, G.

He's trying to get the aliens!

- What? - He's trying to get the aliens!

Riko, did you just say fucking aliens?

Holy fuck! Holy shit!

See, I told you, bro. No, it's all good. They're my boys. They're my boys.

- Bro, you got your gun? - Yeah.

Bro, I need you to stop that cunt.

Yeah, I got you.

Where's your car?

The engine's, um, not finished yet. It just...

- Did you blow it up, eh? - Yeah.

All good. Stop that cunt, okay?

All good, bro. I got you.

, prick!

What the fuck, Auntie? He's my mate!

That been here all this time!

What the fuck are you doing? You're crazy, get out of here!

I ain't bloody crazy, boy!

What the fuck, Auntie?

Oh, no, dear.

No, Jeff, oh, you got fucked up, G.

No, no, you're all good. I'll get you fixed up. It's all good, bro.

I'm afraid this injury is terminal.

No, no, no, you're all good, bro. I can get you...

We had a good time. Eh, bro?

Yeah, bro, we had a mean ass time, eh.

Fuck, all those bitches, yeah, G.

We really fucked things up.

Yeah, you fucked shit up, you fucking good cunt.

Please make sure Gurgus gets home.

Yeah.

I will, bro. I promise.

No, no, don't die. Don't die yet. Don't die yet.

No, no, you've gotta take that car back, cunt. You gotta take that car back!

Jeff?

Jeff? Jeff?

You're the man, bro.

I got you.

I got you, Gurgus. I'm gonna save you.

I'm gonna save you.

I'll save you, G.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

You'll be all good, Gurgus.

- Does this take you home? - Yes.

You're a good cunt.

See you soon, bro.

Later, G! Catch you up, bro!

Catch you up.

No! No! No!

No! No!

Oh, God! Oh, why. Oh, God!

Find what you were looking for?

It looks like you're a little bit too late, eh, boy?

On your bike, away you go. Get off my property now, boy.

Don't bloody look around. Just get your ass moving, move it.

Shh. I'll be back.

Auntie! You fucking killed my mate, man.

He was a fucking good ass cunt.

Yeah, well I tried to tell you, him and his mate, they weren't from around here, boy.

I don't remember having a here for them.

Yeah, I could have introduced you to them.

And you didn't!

- Yeah, because you fucking shot them! - And they were aliens.

- You fucking just shot them. - And they'd been here mucking around in my house.

My house. I didn't tell them to come in.

So that's what they get. I, yeah, I shot them, alright.

Far out, man.

We're, boy, you should have believed me

instead of telling everybody that I was cracked.

No, I didn't. That was my mate.

I stuck up for you and who's gonna believe that fucking aliens are real.

I believed they were real. I saw them.

I know, you were right. You were right.

I'm sorry.

You should be sorry, that bloody hurt, you know?

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

It's just they were also like my... my... my mates.

So, I'm sorry, Auntie.

Alright then, come on.

I'm sorry, Auntie.

- Oh, poo! - What?

Poo! You smell like.

Is that what you've been doing in the.

It's your shit anyways.

Nah, nah, nah, it's a long story.

But, nah, hey, I'll tell you.

What do you mean it was mine? Mine?

Yeah, this is your shit 'cause, you know, my alien boys, Jeff and Gurgus,

they actually, they... they steal the shit and they smoke it.

- And so they smoke the shit and it gets them high as. - What?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What for?

Yeah, because it gets them high.

So they like... like the shit.

Lucky, it's good quality shit anyway, eh?

Nah, yours was shit. That's why they were stealing other shit.

- No, no, no. - They had some of my shit. They loved my shit.

Horrible shit, that stuff.