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Company... halt!

Who goes there?

- The Queen's keys. - Pass the Queen's keys.

By the left, quick march!

Eyes left!

Eyes front!

- Morning, Ernie. How are you? - Morning all.

- Morning George. - Morning.

One crusty brown!

Oop!

Oy!

I'm very sorry.

Oh, you�!

Get out of it, go on!

- Morning, William. - Morning.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Hello. Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith here.

Very good morning to you, Miss Garrett. Miss Garrett.

Yes.

Not again!

I told you to hang it round your neck on a piece of string.

But you could have warmed it up before you dropped it down.

No, but you can't go dropping keys all over the place.

I'll have one cut for you in the morning.

It's a pleasure. Oh, I'm kept at it, you know, yes.

I told you to leave that key alone.

- Well, you were going on a bit. - I suppose you're right.

What can I do for you?

I want my money box opened.

Got your note?

Good boy.

"Dear Mr. Wright, please open William's money box and let him have sixpence

for an ice lolly. Signed Edith Simpson, Mrs."

Seems to be in order.

Ol�.

'Ere you are.

How much do I owe you?

My arrangement is the same as last week: one penny.

Can my arrangement be the same as last week?

- You pay me next week. - Yes.

Alright, off you go.

I'll murder him!

Hello. You wait till you get�! No, heh, sorry.

Yes, Ernest Wright, master locksmith. Can I help you?

Three old ladies? Good gracious.

How very uncomfortable for you. And them too, I quite agree.

Well, tell them all to sit down and keep calm.

Well, they could take turns, couldn't they?

Try to get them singing songs. That's always good in a crisis.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Having a bit of trouble, sir?

Well, yes.

I absentmindedly slammed the door and my keys and briefcase

are in the front seat there.

They're thief-proof locks. You won't open that without a proper key.

Well, that's that then. I'll just have to phone the garage, shan't I?

You shouldn't give up so easily, they may be thief-proof

but they're not Master-Locksmith-proof.

What do you mean?

My card.

Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith.

Oh, a stroke of luck!

You really think you would manage it?

My emergency toolkit. Never go anywhere without it.

Yes, well, could you do it in a hurry?

- I've got a very urgent appointment. - Of course.

Bentley one, two, zero, six, four�

One, two, zero, six, four�

There we are! You little beggar.

Here we are, then.

Hello.

That's a very nice car you've got there, sir.

Oh no, it's not mine.

Oh!

No, I was picking the lock for a gentleman.

Well, he was here a minute ago.

A very gentlemanly-looking gentleman. With a suit.

I therefore accompanied him to the police station

where he was formally cautioned and charged.

You've heard the evidence. Have you anything to say?

No thank you, sir. Everything he says is quite right.

He saw it all and has recorded it faithfully.

- So you admit the charges. - No.

But the evidence�

Oh, the evidence is fine.

Very good, as far as it goes.

The trouble is where it starts.

Then perhaps you tell us what did happen.

Well you see this gentleman what owns the motor car�

Miss Gwendoline Thatcher.

Yes, him.

Miss Gwendoline Thatcher?

Miss Gwendoline Thatcher.

That's a funny name for a gentleman.

Particularly for a gentleman that doesn't exist.

But if he didn't exist how could he tell me it was his motor car?

But the Constable didn't see him therefore I'm prepared to believe he didn't exist.

Oh, well that doesn't necessarily comply.

I mean, the Constable's never seen the Taj Mahal by moonlight.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have.

Have what?

Seen the Taj Mahal by moonlight, your Worship.

Well, be that as it well may be, I mean, I've not seen it

and we've only got your word for it.

Well, I can show you a picture.

Oh, really?

There you are. The Taj Mahal.

That's me standing by the marble statue.

- It's a very good likeness, yes. - Oh, do you think so?

- Were you on your honeymoon? - Oh, bless you, no.

No, I had a bit of a win on the pools so we went there for our summer holidays.

Constable!

You've finished your evidence.

Kindly resume your place and take your holiday snapshots with you.

Sorry, your Worship.

I don't think there's any need to prolong this business.

The evidence seems perfectly straightforward to me.

I find you guilty.

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

No sir, except to say that I think you've been very fair.

Thank you.

I mean, there's been too much of this going on lately and it's up to you chaps

to stamp it out.

- Anything known? - Nothing, your Worship.

In view of the fact that this is your first offence

I'm prepared to take a chance on being lenient.

You'll be placed on probation for a year.

How very kind. You won't get into trouble?

Let me worry about that. Kindly stand down.

We don't want you getting your name in the papers, do we?

One of your mates got a right rucking last week

for only fining that fella in Hyde Park a dollar.

Did you read about it?

Get that man out of here!

d Love is my reason for giving d

d My lovey-lovey-love for every- d

'Ere, it's you�

You got me in a right load of trouble, you did.

My dear chap, I know. It's all been a dreadful mistake.

You see, when you were opening my car�

The judge said the car belonged to a Mrs. Gwendoline Thatcher.

Oh, that's perfectly right, it's not actually my car, it belongs to my aunt.

Good old Aunt Geraldine.

Gwendoline.

Gwendoline, of course, yes. She lent me the car for the day, you see?

I popped round the corner for some cigarettes

and when I came back you'd disappeared.

The whole thing's been the most terrible mistake.

What a mercy they let you off.

Well, they didn't let me off.

I've got a year's probation and they confiscated my emergency toolkit.

You've got enough left to carry on?

- Oh yes, I� - Good, yes�

Well, there's been a gross miscarriage of justice.

We must appeal. I'll get you the best lawyer in the country.

- Yes, but� - No, I'll foot the bill.

- There's no need, really� - Now listen, I got you into this mess.

I'm going to get you out of it. It won't only be your good name

that I shall be fighting for.

Now, let's see. How much do you suppose your tools are worth�

- Well� - Twenty pounds, thirty, forty?

Well, let's make it fifty and be on the safe side.

- Safe side, yes. - And that takes care of your equipment.

Now for your time lost.

- Time lost? - Oh yes, time lost, of course.

- Fifty, well, 75, no� A round hundred. - A round hundred.

Now there's 150 and it's all yours.

Ah!

Yes�

This is all wrong.

I thought it would be.

We must make this all legal and proper.

I must call in my solicitor on this.

Well, there's no need, honest! I mean, if you could�

Well, er� He won't be there at this hour.

Are you free tonight?

- Well, I am, but� - That's it, then.

At my place I'll ask my solicitor round

and we'll put the whole thing on a firm footing.

- I'll call here for you at nine o'clock? - Nine o'clock.

You'd better bring your emergency toolkit, it might come in very handy

in assessing the damages and that sort of thing.

Until tonight.

'Til tonight.

Tell me, Mr. Wright, what would happen if you came across a lock you couldn't open?

I'd retire. There's no such thing.

Well I hope you're wrong because I just paid 120 pounds

to have Peabody locks fitted in my house.

Peabody� Oh, the American job.

Triple action, four-tumbler, with the barrel-operated reverse plunger.

- Eh� Yes, that's the one. - They're a very good lock.

I'd like to have a look at it, if I may?

You shall, Mr. Wright.

You shall.

What a lovely neighbourhood!

Yes, well, we'll leave the car here.

My old Nanny is a bit ill upstairs and I don't want to disturb her.

How very considerate of you.

No, not at all, anyone in my position would do the same.

Anyway, the walk will do us good.

Shh!

Your old Nanny. I'm very sorry.

Come on.

I'm very sorry.

The porch light goes on from inside.

There's the lock if you want to see it.

Hundred and twenty pound for that!

That's the old model. The 114-E.

They must have seen you coming, mate.

Well, the chap told me they were the best locks available.

A child of five could open that.

If he was a Master Locksmith, of course!

- I think you're a little bit jealous. - Jealous?!

Shh.

Jealous.

British craftsman, American product.

Hold my hat.

Let's see what's going on inside here.

As I thought. One up, two down and a bent twilf.

There.

Two down�

�and a bent twilf.

It looks easy but it takes a lifetime of learning.

Most impressive.

- It's a good thing you're an honest man. - Indeed.

- Let's go to the drawing room. - Yes.

Er� You do want to wash your hands, don't you?

- No I'm alright thanks. - Oh�

This way.

Oh! So big, isn't it?

Cor. What a lovely place you've got here.

You really ought to get better locks fitted, you know?

Yes, I should indeed.

There you are� Drinks. Help yourself.

Cigars.

Television.

Have yourself a party.

Twenty-three inches! How very grand.

Here, this is real gold isn't it?

It's Spanish. I don't know what it's doing here, it should be in the library.

I'll just pop up and see how Nanny is.

- Give her my regards. - Yes.

Thank you.

Have a good time.

I'm glad I sent the servants away.

Gives one time to think.

Must try and keep these down to twenty a day.

d As he walks along the Boulevard With an independent air d

d You can hear the girls declare d

Clink!

Just a tiny before dinner.

d And when he winks the eye Probably with the other d

d The man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo d

Whoops!

The Concrete Jungle. I love that.

Hello, a burglar.

You rascal.

Still, it's not your fault.

If they'd had decent locks fitted you wouldn't have got in in the first place.

There's the old Bristol Gem.

You'll have a bit of trouble with that, mate, I tell you�

Good.

More haste, less speed.

What have you got there?

You can't use gelignite, you'll blow your head off.

Ain't it marvellous. Not a mark on him.

Still, it's only pretend. One does get carried away.

I've heard of live television but this is ridiculous!

Making yourself right at home, weren't you?

Well, I'm a guest here. The gentleman upstairs asked me.

- I suppose the butler let you in? - No, I picked the lock.

When I say I picked the lock, he thought the locks were burglar-proof, you see?

- Who? - The gentleman upstairs.

Sir? There's nobody upstairs and the place has been ransacked.

There must be! He popped up to see his old Nanny.

Now, look.

Take him away.

Now� Just a minute.

A man is innocent until proven guilty.

Hello, how are you?

Oy!

- Hello George! - That'll be seven pence.

Seven pence.

- Well, I'm going to the bank later. - Good.

Then you can call in for the apple on your way back.

George!

Come and keep an eye on the front.

Morning all!

Hello Miss Garrett. Your keys are ready and I've tied a piece�

I've tied a piece of string to every one for you.

Hello Albert.

I'll have a pork pie and half a shandy, please.

That'll do me today, I've got a lot on.

Just a pork pie and half a shandy.

I tell you what, I'll have a packet of crisps and a light ale.

I've got a bit of a cold.

Had a bit of a cold lately, Bill.

Packet of crisps�?

Hello Tom!

I'll pay you 301 up, loser pays for the beer.

Hello, Mary.

It was all a mistake, you know.

Shhh�

Like a 'nana?

- It can't be as bad as all that� - It is!

Well, what's wrong? Have you got yourself into trouble?

Certainly not!

I mean yes� I'm in a terrible mess.

I'm going to lose my job.

Oh, never! Whatever makes you think a thing like that?

It's true, I tell you!

When my boss comes back and finds the parcel in the safe

he's going to be furious and he'll give me the sack and I don't know what I shall do

because if he gives me the sack I won't be able to find another job

and if I can't find another job, Mother�

- She never wanted me to� - Just a minute!

What parcel?

My boss gave me a parcel to deliver in my lunch hour.

It was dreadfully important! And I left it in the office.

And the man's flying to Hong Kong this afternoon.

Well, it's simple. Just go back to the office and collect it.

I can't! It's in the safe.

The other girl didn't know what it was so she put it in the safe

and my Boss locked the safe before he went out to lunch.

When he comes back and finds the parcel in the safe he's going to be furious

and I'll get the sack.

I can't think why I'm telling you all this.

You're a complete stranger.

Oh, that's alright. Sometimes it does you good to get a thing like that off your�

�off your mind.

You're awfully sweet.

It isn't as if you could help.

Nobody can help as long as that parcel's in the safe.

Why don't we wait until your boss comes? We could explain it to him.

I'm sure he'd understand.

But if he finds the parcel he'll be furious and he'll give me the sack

and I won't have any money,

if I don't have any money I won't be able to pay my rent,

and my father�

Alright. Where's the safe?

Over there.

Well, do you think you can do it?

I wouldn't be surprised.

"Uma uma nuka nuka wapa wa ha."

Japanese.

They're a cunning race, you know.

They can live for three months on a handful of rice.

Still, I think there's good in everybody, don't you?

Did you ever see The Bridge on the River Kwai?

d On a tree by a river Sat a little Tom Tit d

d Hmm, hmm� Tit willow d

d It's the weakness of intellect, Birdie I cried d

- Ol�! - You darling man!

One on, Mr. King.

Wright.

Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith.

- Hey. Who's the new geezer? - It's Ernie Wright. He's a big wheel.

I heard of him. He got three years for the Stepney Loan Company Snatch.

They say he's the greatest. Twenty grand, kept the lot.

It's Ernie Wright. Top man on the locks.

They say he can get out of here whenever he wants to. Tell Nosher.

Tell Nosher Ernie Wright's in. But not for long.

Nosher? Ernie Wright's in.

So another slag comes in, who cares?

I do beg your pardon.

- Get out of it. - Yes, of course.

There ain't a nick that can hold that boy. When he says go, he goes.

The best cracksman in the business.

Halt!

Now then. That man you spoke to downstairs, you know him?

- No, sir. But he seems quite nice. - Keep away from him. He's trouble.

A few months ago he broke a chair over the Governor's head

and lost all his remission.

You don't want to lose all your remission, do you?

- No, sir. - Behave yourself then!

You give me any trouble I'll have your ears for bookends!

I quite understand, sir. You have your job to do.

Get in!

And just remember�

I don't like the look of you.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

Morning.

Nice day?

Which is my bed, please?

Oh, any one you like, except this one and that one.

- Now just a minute. - Shh.

I think she'll be out any minute now.

Well, I'll comb my hair, I'm a bit dishevelled.

You know, I think she's going to like you.

You've got a nice face.

Well that's� Very kind of you.

Mabel!

Come on, my wee one. Come on then.

Hey, there's the pretty� There she is.

I didn't know� When you first mentioned it, I thought you had�

Pretty� Does she talk?

Oh, yes. Come on, say hello to the nice gentleman.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.

Hey, you'd better be careful, you'll be making Fred jealous.

Oh, not him, no. Mabel's husband.

Here. Freddy. Freddy!

Freddy, come on my wee man. That's a boy!

- It's Mabel's husband. - He's lovely. Come on.

Ah, no, I know what it is. They want their dinner.

I have it all ready.

I, err�

I get it nice and fresh every day.

Huh� Where'd you get that lot?

I work in the gardening party.

I thieve some every day.

That's a lot of seeds for two little birds, isn't it?

Oh, that's only Mum and Dad. Here, come here and I'll show you something.

Wee!

What do you make of that then?

You're a proper old bird fancier, ain't you, eh?

Aye. They call me Feathers.

My name's Ernest.

- Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith. - Oh! Glad to know you.

- This is Van Gogh. - Hello! See you got your ear back then?

Come on!

What do you think of that, then?

Very good. What is it?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Basking.

Having a nice game?

What you laughing at?

- I don't know. - Nor do I.

I don't know why I keep playing him either I always beat him.

If you'll pardon me saying so, you look like losing that one.

I never lose, sonny. I always win.

I'm head boy in this nick, don't you ever forget that.

Try and take over in here and I'll whack this across your chops.

Right! Fall in!

- It's a turnover. They're gonna search us! - Be a good boy, look after that for me.

Form a line.

Thank you. Come along now.

Get your hands above your head.

- What do you think you're hiding? - Who, me?

I know your type.

Get your hands above your head!

If I thought you were trying to put something over on me

I'd have you breaking stones for the rest of your sentence!

All clean, chief.

Carry on, Mr. King. Carry on.

Fall out!

What about that, eh?

He nearly stuck it up old rough chop's jumper.

Ernie, you're all right. You're one of the blokes.

Ernie's all right, got it?

Yossle, bring my friend Ernie a chair?

There you are, then.

There. That's better, my old Ernie, ain't it?

You're a sharp boy, Ernie. You're on your toes.

That was pretty quick thinking with the shiv.

- Shiv? - The old cutter.

Oh, the knife! How quaint. Well, I didn't really�

Pretty quick thinking really, yeah, I suppose.

I like a bloke that can use himself when the going gets rough.

And I reckon you've seen plenty of rough going in your time.

Seems rough all the time lately.

- Like the old Stepney Loan Office caper. - Yes, like that old caper.

Here, Nosher. I want to tell you something about that.

I've never done it.

Course you didn't. Stands to reason, don't it?

I mean, you gotta pick up all that loot when you leave here, haven't you?

Well, there's no loot, Nosher. Honest. I was framed.

Weren't we all?

- Were you framed as well, Nosher? - Course I was�

Seventeen times!

No, you see, there was this girl.

I like you Ernie, you're a great giggle! From now on, you're one of us.

That's what I'm afraid of.

And when you decide it's time to scarper this gaff

Nosher will come with you.

I don't quite understand.

What're his plans, then? Ask him what his plans are.

Hey Nosher. I thought we were looking after Ernie

'cos he's going to help us bust out of here.

What's he waiting for?

Yeah, what about it? Ernie, you've been inside for nine months now.

- When are you gonna blow outta here? - Nine months?

- Yeah. - Don't time fly.

I'll ask the Governor. See what he says about it.

Right! Fall in over here!

He's gonna ask the Governor, see what he says. He's a lad, isn't he?

Now I'm properly in it.

- Heh, if you don't� - Come on, get a move on!

He's gone.

He went and didn't take us with him.

This never happened to James Bond.

It's an optical delusion.

Oh, Edward, it's magnificent. I'm sure you'll do it this year.

I should have won last year, if that fool judge had known his job.

You will try and look a little more pleasantly at the judges, won't you dear?

I'll show them!

Oh, don't be alarmed, Madam.

Get that hammer up in the air, man!

Aye, that's all there is.

Look at them, Ernie. They're hungry.

Starving.

Oh, you didn't break your ankle on purpose, did you? They know that.

But they don't know I can't go out with the gardening party to pinch their seeds!

Look at them.

Looking at me with their little eyes.

And to top everything

the maternity ward's full as well. Look at them.

- Haven't you thought of anything yet? - No, I haven't.

I'm afraid my mind is just one great big canvas of colour and art.

Anarchist.

- It's no good talking to him. - No, Ernie.

You're the only one who can help us.

- Me? - Of course.

Everybody knows you could walk right out of this call if you wanted to.

All you've got to do is pop down to the gardening shed and help yourself.

Suppose I got caught. I got in terrible trouble last time.

I know. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Aye.

It's too much to ask anybody to do. All for the sake of�

�a few hungry little old birds!

- Done it. - Ah, good boy, Ernie.

- Now, you know where to go? - Yes.

And then� Here. Here's what we want.

Three pounds of marigold seed, three pounds of petunia seed

two pounds of sunflower seed

and four pounds of grass seed.

Aye.

What are you going to give them, a party?

Oh no, I just wanted to lay in a wee stock

so I know I'll have plenty for later on.

Right, I'm off.

- Good luck, Ernie. - Oh well�

Take care of yourself now.

Ernie!

- What's up? - Here, you better take this.

What for? I won't be gone that long.

No, this is for the sunflower seeds. They mustn�t be mixed with the others!

Special diet!

Don't worry fellas, I won't be gone long.

Alright, I won't be long.

Here, look.

What's he up to, then? He's off again.

Hey! Ernie boy, over here!

Come here! Hey!

- You'll get me into trouble. - Where you going?

- Nowhere, I'll see you later. - Take us with you Ernie.

- We're your mates, we'll help you. - I can't do that.

Go on, Ernie, you'll need some help, it's never that easy.

Perhaps he's right. It's a big load for one man to carry.

Many hands make light work.

- Ernie says many hands make light work. - Yeah.

Let them out.

- Come on, we're making a break for it. - Alright.

Keep it quiet.

Hey!

Stick this in the box for me on your way home, Doran.

Oh, that never works, mate. I've tried it. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

What do we do now, Ernie?

You look for sunflower seeds and I'll try and find the petunias.

What's this sunflower and petunia lark?

Is he off his nut?

Don't argue, Ernie knows what he's doing. Get the sunflower seeds.

I've found the petunias. Now look for the marigolds.

Ernie's found the petunia seeds. Keep your eye open for marigold seeds.

The marigolds�

- Found them, the sunflower seeds. - Right, we'll have a look for�

Oh my God.

Don't do that!

Whatever do you think you're doing?

It's against the law, you'll all end up in prison!

- Where's Ernie? - Yeah, what are we gonna do now?

You may well ask.

Hey!

You've made a proper mess of things, you have, ain't you?

Sorry Ernie boy. Now we'll be doing the rest of our time on the rock pile.

There's still a chance, follow me.

Hey, you!

Left turn! Lead on!

No waiting around! Come on, go!

Thanks Ernie, I won't forget this.

Any time you need a friend come and see Nosher.

Hurry up, I'll never make it.

You paralyzed? Move that line. Go on.

Right. Everybody stand by their cells.

Come now, get a move on!

Here! You forgot the marigold seeds!

No, no, no, stop! You're wrong.

- Who let you in? - Just a friendly call, my dear Domino.

You didn't ever make a friendly call in your life.

You didn't ever have any friends.

I've got something that might interest you.

You have?

The office.

Relax, darling. You're all very pretty young girls.

You want the gentlemen to love you, don't you?

So keep your heads up!

Well?

I heard a funny story yesterday about a big time operator

who hired a very expensive Q.C.

to defend a safe breaker, it appears they lost the case.

The gentleman got seven years.

That doesn't make me laugh, Grantley. That Q.C. cost me three grand!

Well, for the same amount of money, my dear boy

I shall shortly be in the position

to place in your custody a real cracksman, the all-time�

- Morning Johnny. - Morning.

Oh! I didn't know you had somebody with you.

It's OK, baby, carry on.

Is he good?

Oh, don't worry about her, she's OK. Is he good?

Well he has quality, my dear Domino. Real quality. But there is a snag.

- Ah� - He has to be conditioned.

- Conditioned? - Yes.

Since when do villains have to be conditioned?

Ah but you see, he's not a villain.

He's probably the only honest man I've ever met.

- Hah! An honest safe cracker? - Yes.

Rather odd how it all started. It must have been three years ago�

Don't tickle it, sweep it!

- Nosher! - Can I have a word with him?

Yes but don't be long.

Well I'm on my way, Ernie boy.

- I wish I was coming with you, Nosh. - Don't worry. A couple of weeks and bang!

You'll be out and about again giving those old Peters a bashing.

Yeah, back amongst the old locks and keys.

Yes, well, remember what I told you. Any time you want any help, call on me.

Here, what's your address?

No, don't do that. Keep it in your nut.

Fifteen, Cairo Road, Shepherd's Bush.

Shepherd's Bush�

Think of a shepherd sitting under a bush

Surrounded by fifteen Egyptian sheep.

Ta-ta.

- Fifteen shepherds sitting under a� - Right!

- You've got a visitor. - Who, me?

- I don't have visitors. - You got one now. Lead on.

Steady now.

- Are you Mr. Wright? - Yes, thank you.

Well can you spare me a few minutes?

Of course, I�

My name's Muriel Johnson.

How very nice.

I'm from the Prisoners Lonely Aid Group.

Oh, you shouldn't be lonely.

You're pretty, and beautiful�

�and a girl.

No, it's not me that's lonely. It's you.

Oh it won't be so bad, really. I know I've lost Nosher

but I've still got Fred and Mabel and the children.

- I beg your pardon? - Fred and Mabel and the children.

They live with me in my cell.

You see, there was only Fred and Mabel in the first place but�

They got naughty.

Before we knew where we were there were 60 babies running around the place.

Sixty?

That's a lot of budgerigars!

Oh! Budgerigars�

You didn't�

How very clumsy of me.

What does the Prisoners Lonely Aid Group mean?

Well, it's simply what is says. We aid lonely prisoners.

We've looked into your case and think you've had something of a raw deal

and we'd like to succour and comfort you until you are on your feet again.

Does that mean you want to look after me?

If you'll let me.

Will you let me succour and comfort you, Mr. Wright?

I think that would be wonderful.

Thank you.

Now, what plans have you made for your release?

Release� Oh, yes.

Well, the lease has run out on my little shop

so I shall have to start again in a new district

but I'm a master locksmith and that's a highly skilled occupation.

- I should spring up again in no time. - Exactly.

Oh, I knew we'd made a good choice.

Mr. Domino will be terribly pleased when I report to him.

- Mr. Domino? - Mm-hm.

Our leader. The man who selected you to receive our assistance.

He and I will help you

and I think that between us we will

guide your rather special talents along the right lines.

With some succour and comfort?

Of course.

A great deal.

Come along, Wright. Time's up.

Thank you very much, Miss Johnson.

You're the nicest visitor I've ever had.

Bye-bye. See you very soon.

- Aw� No-one to meet you, eh? - Nope.

Ah don't worry son, there's a lot of good people out there.

You'll be alright.

Just remember all that glitters is not gold and keep away from the girls, eh?

Ah, Miss Johnson, you're back.

And you brought your lovely little friend with you.

Mr. Wright, this is a pleasure.

Ernest, this is Mr. Domino, the� Our president.

It's a great honour, Mr. President, sir and I only hope I don't let you down.

You won't get the chance.

We'll see that you do your tricks properly.

Alright, let's have a dekko at you.

My oh my, where do we start?

Oh, I thought the first thing to do is to find a little room somewhere.

Oh, don't worry about that, Mr. Wright, I've got all that fixed.

You're gonna stay here with me where I can keep an eye on you.

- Here with you? - Upstairs, breakfast in bed every day.

We're going to look after you, Mr. Wright.

Succour and comfort.

That's nice, isn't it?

I'm glad you like it. That's where we amuse ourselves in the evenings.

- Ah, the games room. - Er, yes.

- You know it's your gear that worries me. - Gear?

Your clothes, you look just like an ex-convict.

Oh, well, that's alright. I've got a clean shirt in me parcel.

Well, throw it away. We're going to rebuild you from the head down.

Classy.

Good evening.

- Fetch in the rest of the bric-a-brac. - Very good, sir.

�well I hope you have as much luck as the gentleman did last night.

Good evening, sir.

Why, it's Mr. Wright!

I'd have never recognised you, I thought you were some fabulous celebrity.

Oh, Hutchinson, take those up to Mr. Wright's room.

Very good, sir.

Ernest, you do look beautiful.

Look, you two go inside and enjoy yourselves.

Have you got any loot? There are some pretty fancy prices in there, you know.

Mr. Domino is asking if you have any money.

Money�

Yes, I've got 23 and nine pence in mailbag money.

- I saved it up. - Well, we won't go into that now.

There you are, Mr. Wright.

Have a ball.

- Shall I take your things, sir? - Pardon?

Oh! Thank you sir, thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

Whoops!

- Alright for you sir? - Oh.

It is quite nice, yes.

But, erm� This is a special occasion. We'd like some wine.

Some of that.

Yes.

Would you like to buy a rose for the lady, sir?

Yes, I'll� Have a bunch of those, please.

That'll be ten pounds please, sir.

Ten pounds.

Thank you.

You know, Miss Johnson, I've never been in a place like this before.

Well, I'd never have dreamt. You're so sophisticated!

But Ernest� Don't call me Miss Johnson.

Call me Muriel.

Muriel.

A toast to Domino

and the Prisoners Aid Group.

This is the life, isn't it?

I love being comforted and succoured.

- Good evening, sir. - Evening. Ooh!

Oh, where'd you get that lot?

You'll have the RSPCA after you.

You'll have the RSPCA after you, I said.

I'll have that big one over there because he looks lonely.

He looks lonely, the big one over there.

Hello!

The Balloon Lady.

Waiter! A chair for my friend, please.

That's 25 pounds, sir.

Eh? Oh, 25. Yes, I�

Yes, I've only got four pounds left.

It's a pity you weren't here earlier.

- What seems to be the trouble, Mr. Wright? - It's alright, I've just�

I've only got four pounds.

Oh don't worry about that. Just sign for anything you want.

Thank you.

That's the idea, Mr. Wright. Have a ball.

Waiter!

More champagne, please. More champagne.

- A balloon, sir? - Oh, yes please. A red one.

Evening!

He thinks the world of her, doesn't he?

It wasn't me, it was him!

A balloon, sir?

Balloon, sir?

- Whatever's the matter? - Nothing, I�

I woke in a fright, I haven't been very�

Ernest Wright!

Teddy. I'm growing very fond of him. He� He talks!

Come in.

Yoicks! Tally-ho!

- Seen a fox anywhere? - Good morning. Going riding?

Yes, it's Muriel's idea. I don't know very much about it.

She says we're going for a quick lollop in the park.

I'll give him Lester Piggott.

So I see. It'll do you the world of good after last night.

Last night was a night, wasn't it? Phew.

You know, you're like me, Mr. Wright. You don't mind spending money

as long as you enjoy yourself.

And I got a great kick out of watching you enjoy yourself.

- You did? Good. - Yes, it was a lot of laughs.

Well worth 350 quid.

350 quid? Is that what it cost you, Mr. Domino?

Oh, no. That's what it cost you.

"Cost me?"

You know, you shouldn't have ordered champagne for everyone.

I'm afraid you were a bit gay last night.

- Yes, but you said� - Hah!

Look. Your name is on every one of these bills.

And then of course there's all the readies I gave you and all the nice new clothes.

Well, I misunderstood you, Mr. Domino.

Three hundred and fifty pounds� I'll never be able to pay you back.

Of course you will, don't worry about it!

I suppose I could get a job, I'll pay you so much a week.

Look, don't even think about it.

Look, I'm not going to be hard on you. I'll give you 'til the end of the month.

How about that?

I couldn't do it then, not even with overtime.

I'm busy now.

But Mr. Domino�

You're keeping a lady waiting.

Ernest. I've booked the horses.

A shepherd sitting underneath a bush surrounded by 15 Egyptian sheep.

Come on.

It's my fault, really. They were just trying to be kind to me.

So I need money, Nosher. Lots of money.

You know, I never believed you when you said

that bird floated off with all that Mazuma.

- Mazuma? - All that lolly from the Stepney caper.

Don't start that again.

That's all behind me now, I want to find a job.

A good job.

Well I chatted to the Governor about you.

If he cuts you in, you're for the bright lights.

But he's a big man, Ernie. King size. Nothing but the best for him.

- You've gotta convince him you're it. - It.

- You've got the experience. - I got experience.

- You don't scream when the heat's on. - �when the heats on.

- Remember you're a big wheel. - �big wheel.

When it comes to opening things you're the top man.

- The best in the country! - Best in the country!

The chief don't stand for no toffee. You've gotta be tough!

Go in there and stick it on him. Talk turkey, boy.

Right!

Now look here, Guvnor, just you listen to me.

I've got some toffee and I'm gonna stick it on you.

I know I'll get cut up for the wages

because I've got the reputation of being an idiot.

But be that as it may I'm the best wheel in the country.

So cut out all that jazz and we'll talk about it as turkeys.

I may be what I am, but that's a matter of opinion.

And that's it. It, it, it!

Some people prefer hyacinths.

I can't understand that, can you?

Pardon?

I find it emotionally stimulating

to contemplate nature striving to overcome

the puny difficulties placed in her way by arrogant humanity.

Er, you are�?

Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith.

Mm-hm.

Makes one feel�

Well, how should I put it�

Humble.

Yes. Definitely humble.

You come very highly recommended, Mr. Wright.

Oh, thank you very much. We always try to please.

You notice how those tiny slender roots

reach down into the water in a constant search for sustenance.

A never-ending struggle for survival.

We are gazing, Mr. Wright�

�at the world in microcosm.

Why did you go to Domino first?

Well, there was this girl, you see.

Ah. Beauty, beauty!

How it enslaves us all.

Tell me, has Domino made any plans for your future?

He did say he had something in mind, yes.

Indeed.

I think the perianth is coming through.

Eh?

The perianth, Mr. Wright. It's growing through.

Oh� Good.

I think you'll prove useful to my organisation.

Thank you very much.

I think your daffodil's beautiful.

How kind of you to say so.

It's so gratifying to know that one's efforts have been appreciated.

Here, for you.

You will be notified in due course.

- How'd you make out, Ernie? - Yes, what did he say?

You're now looking at the world in "microcism".

All those little "perpensitis" striving for sustenance.

I think the "penarith" is breaking through.

Would you go in now, please, Mr. Nosher?

Alright Nosher.

Domino's got your little friend on a hook for a big one

and I want to know what it is, so stay with him.

Right, Guv.

Fancy you coming to museums, Mr. Domino!

Yeah, yeah, I love them. I can't stay away from them.

Seems funny to me.

Quite interesting, though.

Oh, terrific. A fellow could get loaded with information in a place like this.

Hello, the old nine incher, used all the time in the 17th century.

That's the Iron Maiden.

They used to put reluctant sailors in there.

Whoops!

That would give you a terrible headache, wouldn't it?

That's the Alligator Carniverum.

That's a python.

Used to drop on unwary sailors and crush them!

Ernest, how do you know all this?

I saw Mutiny on the Bounty 14 times.

Well now, as you can see, we're back in the Naval Room.

And this is the Gem Room.

Hey, come on. Let's see what this mob's up to.

Right.

Alright, now if I might have your attention.

Now, ladies and gentlemen we come to the final

and if I might be so bold as to venture an opinion

the most interesting part of the tour.

The Stamford Collection of Fine Gems.

Yes, well, if I might be allowed to continue�

The Stamford Collection of Fine Gems.

This collection has been loaned to the museum for a limited season only.

This might well be the last opportunity

you will have to appreciate their splendour.

I bet they're not the real ones, though.

That, sir, is the Kolongali Diamond.

It was mined at Kimberley some 70 years ago

and that happens to be the Stamford Emerald Necklace.

This was eight years in the making

before being presented to the Duchess of Accrington by the Shah of Persia.

All real.

Er, what would you say their value was on the open market today?

When last valued, sir, the total estimate was 780,000 pounds.

780,000 pounds�!

Aren't you afraid someone'll come in here and knock them all off?

I don't think there's the slightest possibility of that happening.

Of course not, the authorities know what they're doing, don't they?

Oh, we do have our methods, yes, sir.

If I might say so, the security here is pie-hot.

It don't look like it to me, mate.

All that lovely jewellery locked up in that glass case.

Should you want to steal them, you would first have to climb over that rope.

Good gracious! That is difficult, that is.

And I'm here to see you don't do that.

Yes but you won't be here all the time.

I could come back in the middle of the night and pop over it.

Yes but you would also "pop" into an electric beam

which would set off an alarm in every police station within 20 miles.

Now you've told me that, I could crawl underneath it. That wouldn't set it off.

In that unlikely event, you would then interrupt another electric beam

that would cause an eight-foot metal grill to rise from the ground.

I'd climb over the top of it.

The case is made of quarter inch reinforced plate glass.

- I happen to have brought a sledge hammer. - And you still wouldn't get the jewels!

Why not?

Because at night-time we lock them away

in a safe in the curator's office!

You rascals!

Over here, we have a whipping post.

Yes, well that concludes the tour, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much and good day.

Well, come on.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you, sir.

Now why should Johnny Domino wander around museums?

He's so uncultured.

Well, that's where he went, chief. The Prince Edward museum.

The only there that could be of interest to him

would be the Stamford Collection of Fine Gems.

That's it, Guv.

The Stamford Collection is way out of his class,

he's never tackled anything like that before.

He's never had a cracksman like Ernie Wright before.

That is very perspicacious of you, Nosher.

But it mustn't happen. It would be immoral.

It would give him ideas above his station.

Yes, Guv. Domino's only a slag.

This affair seems far more suited to our type of organisation.

We'll need Ernie.

We shall have Ernie, my dear Nosher.

�and the Law on the beat passes the east side of the building

at 2:10 in the morning.

The East Side, eh?

Well, he shouldn't give us any trouble. What about the night watchman?

Well, Harry's working on that.

Alright. Make sure you double-check on everything.

�and the Law on that beat passes the east side of the building

at 2:10 in the morning.

- East side, eh? - Mm.

That shouldn't cause us any anxiety. What about the night watchman?

We're still working on it, Guv.

Usually there's two watchmen. But there's only one on Saturdays.

- Alright then, Saturday it is. - What about Ernie?

- You gonna tell him yet? - Not yet. I'll tell him when I'm ready.

All the week there's two watchmen. One down here

and one here in the Grand Gallery.

But on Saturday there's only one. And we could knock him off.

Up there.

OK. In that case we make it Saturday.

Do I, er� Do I put Ernie in the picture?

No. We know where to find him.

Hold on� Hold on to it!

Don't pass! Take it through on your own!

And shoot!

Shoot!

Never been the same since he came back from Italy, really.

Come on, Ernest.

- Domino wants us back at the club by six. - What, something special?

I don't know. He just told me to bring you back.

You want to get some glasses!

- Hello Nosher. - Hello Nosher.

You ought to see that rough old lot today.

- They got the goalkeeper flat on his� - The Guvnor wants you, Ernie.

- Kicked the ball straight over� - The Guvnor wants you.

The Guvnor wants you now.

Johnny? Ernie was just dragged off in a car by that friend of his, Nosher.

- Nosher Jenkins? - The Guvnor's muscle man.

It's a snatch. Come on.

Good evening, Mr. Wright. How nice of you to come.

I thought it was the polite thing to do.

Oh, well, make yourself comfortable.

Thank you very much.

I wish your assistants were as considerate.

Oh! Ruffians, Mr. Wright. I must remember to speak to them about their behaviour.

Gentlemen, please!

But now�

To business.

I have a job for you.

Oh! Oh, good.

I was taking my young lady out. Could it wait till Monday?

Not this one, Ernie. Tonight.

Well, business before pleasure.

Cost you a time and a half, Saturdays.

And after midnight it's double time for Sundays.

Yes. Nosher told me that you were a bit of a humourist.

But don't worry, Mr. Wright. I look after everybody.

For me?

Welcome to my organisation.

Oh, thank you.

Ernest Wright, Master Locksmith.

This is very kind of you.

You're a gentleman and a scholar.

Good to get back to work again. Now then, what's the job?

- It's the Stamford Collection. - The Stamford Collect�

The Stamford Collection?!

Tonight we open up the Prince Edward museum.

The Prince Edward� No we don't, you know. We do not.

I don't do things like that! You've got me all wrong.

You and your daffodils and your suit?

You're a thief!

Oh! Here, you're just in time.

He's my mate. Mr. Domino. President of the Prisoners Aid Group.

Shut up!

- Now then, flower man. What's your game? - What an uncouth fellow you are, Domino.

Don't give me that stuff. You know what I'm here for.

I must confess I don't. Kindly state your business.

He's my business, Ernie Wright!

When I leave here, flower man, he goes with me.

Move!

I rather think not.

Tonight he works for me.

Oh no, I don't.

Do you know what� He wants me to open the Prince Edward Museum!

- Prince Edward Museum? - Yes.

That's the caper I want him for.

Then you and I do need to talk, don't we?

Just a� You're supposed to come here to rescue me.

- Shut up! - Yes, do be quiet.

"Be quiet", "shut up", this is not�

You've got the wrong idea about me, I didn't come here to�

What about the Prisoners Aid Group, then?

You were supposed to look after�

Now then. Where were we?

At the museum.

What about the Prisoners Aid Group, then?

Nosher, please go and take care of him, will you?

I'll go.

I know how to handle him.

Alright.

Now. Where were we?

Ernest!

Oh, it's you, is it�

You're a nice one, you are.

You knew that Domino and the Guvnor were a couple of crooks all the time

didn't you?

Yes.

And all that about looking after me and

helping me to get back on my feet again.

You didn't mean any of it.

- Ernest, I want to� - Well if it makes you happy�

I fell for it. And I fell for you, too.

I've never done anything dishonest in my life

and I'm not going to start now.

I know.

They can do what they like but I'm not going to open that�

What do you mean, you know?

I know all about you.

Don't be absurd Domino, the little man is a free agent.

Yes but I had him first.

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postulo.

What does that mean?

Seize the present day, trusting the morrow as little as may be.

In other words, my dear Domino, I've got him now.

You, an undercover agent for the police?

But you're too�

Prismatic.

It's true, Ernest. You must believe me.

Look, we've been after Domino for a long time.

You're not having me on? It's happened before, you know.

There was this girl. Burst out crying. I took her to the office, opened the safe

over the desk, big kiss, wallop.

I'm in a cell covered in budgerigars.

Ernest.

Look at me.

So you see there really isn't any problem, is there?

I suppose you're right.

There is enough in this for you and me both.

Yeah.

With our two mobs working together we could really take over.

You know, Nosher.

You're not just a pretty face.

Do you believe me now?

Of course I do.

Right, let's get out of here.

Get down to the police station, pick up a bunch of your mates

get back here and knock them all off before they know what-

No, that's no good! We must have proof.

Proof? Everybody knows they're thieves.

We can't make it stick unless we catch them with the stuff.

I'll leave and get the police but you must go with them.

Ernest.

You've got to open that safe.

Well, that's settled then.

Don't look so disconsolate, my dear fellow.

As you say, there's enough in this for both of us.

The way this caper's turned out it's the only thing we can do.

Here we are again then.

Right-ho chaps. Off we go.

Down to the museum and knock off all that lovely jewellery.

Come on.

You've not called it off, have you?

I do hope I didn't deter you.

- What are you gabbling about? - The jewellery at the museum.

Muriel has convinced me that I should throw in my lot with you chaps.

So let's all go to the museum and get knocked off.

Go to the museum and knock off that lovely jewellery.

Good old Ernie boy, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Well� Which of you two rascals am I working for?

We've decided to do this one together.

Oh, how very nice. You've made up.

Did you hear that, Muriel? We're all going to be there, together.

Well, now that everything's settled I'll get back to the club.

I'll see you later, Johnny.

I like you where you are, my dear.

- But I wouldn't be any use� - Where you are.

Johnny?

Are you going to let him talk to me like that?

Why don't you shut your trap and do as you're told?

What are we going to do now?

I must get out somehow and give the alarm.

- Try and keep them busy till we arrive. - I'll play for time.

And Ernest�

Be careful.

Don't worry.

It's alright.

Come on, we haven't got all night.

Come on, let's get on with it.

- OK Ernie, let's have some action. - Yes.

The door, Ernie, the door.

- It's locked. - Well, open it.

Here, just a minute.

Which one of you two gentlemen is going to pay me for this?

Get on with it.

"Get on with it." I've got a job of work to do, I wanna know where I stand, I�

You owe me enough already. Open it!

How about you?

Five thousand.

Pounds?

Five thousand pounds?

That means he's getting a bigger share of the jewellery.

It's a straight split down the middle, fifty-fifty.

You've properly swung it on him this time, you have.

Who swung what on who?

Well, you had the idea in the first place. Now he's getting half.

- Open the door. - Just a minute. He's right.

I did set it up, you know.

Domino, we agreed to a straight split.

And if we don't hurry up, there won't be anything to split.

Do what he says. We'll all get our collars felt at this rate.

Well be that as it may be, but I've�

Unlock that door.

Yes, please. Open it.

Close those curtains.

Lights.

There it is Ernie, come on. Let's have some action.

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Ooh! Bless the Duke of York.

What's the matter?

It's a tricky one.

- It's a Smith Impregnable. - Yes, but can you open it?

Yes, but I should need time.

Well, the sooner the better.

For you.

Right.

d Oh, my heart is sad and weary d

d Just the thought of you will cheer me d

d Love... d

- What the hell are you doing? - I was just sounding it out, Guvnor.

I thought you sung beautifully.

Don't play games with me.

You open that safe or I'll open you, all the way down.

- There's no need to lose one's temper. - Go on!

You were quite right about him, Mr. Domino.

He's very unstable.

You called me unstable? Why, you vulgar little peasant.

Shut your mouth, flower man, or I'll fill it for you.

How dare you talk to me like that! Open that safe, Ernest.

You're quite right, you know. You're just as cultured as he is.

Even if he did call you a moronic slob.

A moronic slob.

I never said anything of the sort!

Stop it!

Good gracious, it's shut.

Nosher, stop all this nonsense. Go and get him back.

Hello!

You're going to open that safe.

That's it! Go on, Nosher!

Oh, I bet that did hurt.

That's it, fellows. Keep it up.

Right� Hit him!

Hurry up there.

It's come back at last.

Let's get back to work!

There�s 750,000 pounds at stake,

don't you realise?

Remember what we came for!

Oh, come on�

May I? I'm having a bit of trouble with the crew.

Hey, Domino!

Nosher!

Domino!

Thank you.

Stick them up!

There's 750,000 pounds at stake�

Moke� Moke!

Oh! Help!

Put the fuse out!

Don't lose sight of our objective. It's in the safe!

Back to the safe, men, come on!

- Well done. Follow me, fellows. - Ernest. They're dummies.

This is a cupboard!

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