Original subtitles

Hey, Dad, guess what?

Life isn't always a blistering wound of chaos and despair.

Look who's in a cheery mood.

Some bookstore must have closed and turned it into a new dispensary, huh?

I went to an estate sale. This lady had the coolest stuff. And after I

eliminated everything she could have died in, on, or under, I bought this.

Actually, it looks like a knockoff of a Frank Matringa.

A very famous California potter.

But I'm sure the only potter you know is Harry.

Business has been great, so I thought I'd treat myself.

And I haven't bought any art since I got that poster of a cat reading the

newspaper on the toilet that I hung above the toilet.

Ah, hey.

Um, you know where that would fit is up in my guest room.

You mean my room?

I thought you liked it. I do like it. It just doesn't fit the aesthetic here

I've got going on. I'll put it like a millennial. I don't like the vibe, bro.

What about my vibe, dude?

God forbid I should have one thing in this house. Oh, well, you got two

Georgia and that other one of Carlson.

What was his name?

Hey, guys.

This is Carlos Joaquin de la Mancha Kobe Bryant Martinez.

But you can call him Charlie. Oh, he's so cute and tiny.

Kind of makes me want to have another. No.

A dog!

Where? Hiding behind that little white rat?

Willie's family needs to own a dog kit while they're in San Diego.

For a funeral, not for something fun.

Actually, we are going to SeaWorld after the funeral and Legoland. It's not

important.

Well, then we could watch Charlie if that's okay.

Of course.

How about asking the homeowner?

Grandpa? He's adorbs.

Who's going to boost my TikTok viewer retention?

You are.

Who's going to stay in a kennel all weekend? You are.

He's here.

Charlie, let's get you in the hair and makeup for our first video.

Why is he wearing a vest?

Is he parking cars now?

No, he's an emotional support animal. What emotions does he support? The only

ones I feel are shame and embarrassment.

Ignore him. The only emotional support animal he believes in is slow -cooked

pork.

dogs. I love dogs, but I like full -size regular dogs.

Labradors, Rottweilers. That thing looks like Colonel Sanders made it with a

laboo -boo.

Is that all his stuff?

Yeah, these are Charlie's treats, which aren't as good as they look.

Look, if they didn't want me to eat them, shouldn't have made them look like

little sausages.

Here's his anti -anxiety meds. Riley.

What? I'm not stealing pills from a dog.

The dosage is way too low.

Oh, Annie.

Here's his food.

Lily has him on a strict meat -free diet.

The dog is a vegan? And what else is in there? Cashew lasagna and a fear of

effort?

healthy bones and a shiny coat. Sue me.

Yeah, this is going to be a badass caddy. You know what you do is get your

schematics here and start listing where you want to go with this. Yeah, boss.

I'll get you on Saturday. All right, cool. Got a little hair on you. Oh,

With that dog one day, I got hair all over me. Give me that.

You know, I used to date a woman that was into that.

And she used to dress me up like a Philly fanatic.

Man, that woman was crazy.

I should call her.

You know my back there? Can you grab that?

I feel like I need consent before I venture into the badonkadonk.

Just keep rolling before I kick you in the badonkadonk.

Get that junk off that dirty trunk! You guys really need an HR department.

We don't need an HR department. We like being mean to each other around here.

Hey, babe, you forgot your toothbrush last night.

I didn't forget it. I thought maybe I could keep it at your place since I'm

spending so much time there.

You guys are getting serious.

I never even used to let women know where I live.

My motto, go find the freaky. Don't let the freaky find you.

Well, we can't go to my place.

I've got three roommates, and we're all dancers, so there's always one girl in

the shower and another wrapped in a towel banging on the door.

Let me help you out.

How about you move in with Gabe and I move in with them?

You moving in does kind of make sense.

Really? Yeah, I get there like every night.

You already moved in your toothbrush.

Are you asking me to move in with you?

Stitch started it.

Yeah, why not?

Not the most romantic thing I've ever heard, but...

Sure, why not?

Whoa, this is so exciting.

All right, I'm going to go break the news to my roommates.

Right. Didn't that get once?

Yeah, I'll do it.

Stitch, it's a fourth floor walk -up. I'll make it work.

You know, you got no nuts, that's empty calories.

like an old sea captain scratching a leg that hasn't been there for years.

Hey, Pops. He sent a patient from a tour. Want to see?

No. If your phone is anything like your laptop, I definitely don't want to see

what's on there.

All right.

But I'm here when you're ready to heal, Brocaccio.

Must be hard hearing about Eve having all these incredible adventures.

No, I'm having my own adventure here, looking at Gabe's punch list for that

Cadillac, and he keeps putting a dancing girl emoji on here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You just sent Gabe an eggplant emoji.

Take the dog, okay? We need the dog out of here. Oh, really?

I can't have a vase, and I can't have a dog.

I can't shout out the answers during Wheel of Fortune.

You already saw that episode.

It's the same thing over and over. It's your house, your rules, your guest room

I have to share with your globe where you've blacked out all the countries

are communist.

Don't I get any say?

It was bad enough when I was a teenager, but now I'm a mom and I run my own

business. And I'm a homeowner. Why don't you get yourself your own home?

You know what?

I will. Well, good luck with that.

I'm sick of not feeling welcome in what I thought was my own home. What you

thought was wrong.

Okay, that's it.

Consider this my notice. We are moving out.

And for your information, California is not a communist country.

Just give it time.

Oh. Gabe just sent me a heart emoji.

You started sending these. Finish it off.

Hey, do you guys know any apartments that are cheap but nice? Because the

I'm living in is free but mean.

Well, you know, my neighbor's almost 100.

I could startle him. Tell him I'm dating his granddaughter.

Why would you want to move out?

You could live with Matt Parker.

You should have seen what he texted me yesterday.

I need my own space.

But apartments are so expensive.

Completely unrelated, these lattes are now $200.

Don't forget to tip.

It's not going to work.

You know why? Because I don't think you're that cute. You're just an odd

-looking dog. That's all there is to it.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Okay.

Gosh. Come in here.

You know the people that really like you?

They're gone.

Maybe for the weekend?

Probably gone forever.

That's what Eve did to me. Gone forever.

They're not gone forever.

Look, don't tell anybody I did that.

I'll make you watch those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

Pretty spooky, right?

Smells kind of weird.

And that's from the guy who's single -handedly keeping Pull My Finger alive.

Nice, huh? But it's a competitive market. You need to act fast.

Look, she might fall for your manufactured scarcity trick, but we both

market is softening.

Pardon my daughter. She's getting her MBA from the University of Shark Tank.

Why don't you guys go check out the bedrooms?

Remember, I need the bigger bedroom for my crypto mining farm.

Sorry, no home businesses.

Not a business. It's a lifestyle.

Ignore her.

We're not high rollers.

You didn't tell us we'd all have to share a bathroom.

Yeah, it's not going to work for me. I need my tub time.

Is that what you're calling it?

I'll let you three discuss.

Mom, we don't want to live here. We love living at Grandpa's.

Yeah, his house is like a fancy hotel.

Every room, there's a TV and a Bible.

And he stole from a fancy hotel.

But we're living under his thumb.

Don't you hate being bossed around by an unforgiving tyrant?

I mean, George has been around most of my life, so... When we lived in Vegas,

almost never saw Grandma and Grandpa.

Now Grandma's gone.

The way pops eats red meat, clock's a -tickin'.

Okay, fine.

But don't worry, Grandpa's going to be here a long time. That's how evil works.

All right, how about that?

Ooh, like bacon, huh?

That's good fat.

Well, not according to Riley. If she was here, she'd say bad fat.

Bad fat, good fat.

I mean, the country's divided now. Fat's got to make a choice.

Yeah, you know what?

Actually, I kind of like you.

You know, gotta say that check.

These two dudes watching a little college basketball.

We could be better, man. We don't need a woman telling us what to do today, do

we, you know?

I did like Eve though a lot.

She's a different, opposite to track sometimes. It's like bacon and lettuce.

I don't understand why lettuce went to Korea when bacon said I love you. That

seems a little... I like her a lot though. Should I text her?

Yeah, why would I text her? She's the one on the left, right?

Come on.

Hey, where's your mom?

Oh, she dropped us off. She's going to meditate.

The name of that new dispensary that used to be a bookstore.

What are you doing?

Charlie's not allowed to have bacon?

You know what? I think that's really a St. Bernard trapped in a body that

get enough protein.

Oh, so he said he has a severe allergy.

Probably why he threw up so much today.

But I thought it was a chorizo. It's too spicy for a dog.

Gave him chorizo, too?

Quite a bit of it.

We gotta take him to the vet.

Pops, I know I'm new to dating, but if I kill Lily's dog, I'm never getting to

first base.

Trust me, that dog is eating a lot worse things than what I gave it.

That's more than that dog weighs. Okay, maybe we should take the dog to the vet.

wait for my dad before one of us murders the other in their sleep.

Me, I'm the murderer.

Also, I brought a housewarming gift for you and Amelie.

Oh, thank you.

This is so thoughtful. Where should I put it?

Um, how about here?

How's the apartment hunting going?

Terrible. Turns out it's tough to beat free at my dad's place.

Yeah. And if you didn't find another place for free, you'd probably have to

that guy Daddy, too.

What are you doing?

I'm just getting rid of some of my stuff to make room for Amelie's stuff.

Because you can't make room with a partner without making room for a

I listen to a podcast.

Wow, big stuff. Good for you.

Is it, though?

I just, you know, don't really want to get rid of my stuff.

I've been sacking thoughts about living together.

Uh -oh. You getting cold feet?

They're so cold, I can't feel them.

It happens to everybody. I got cold feet right before I married that stupid son

of a bitch, Jimmy.

But you and Amelie are going to be great.

They're getting colder.

They're ice.

Gabe, this could be good for you. It's therapeutic to do a little spring

cleaning. Get rid of stuff that doesn't bring you joy.

Good news, babe.

Oh, hey, Riley. I found some amazing accent pillows.

Great. Maybe you could use them to smother my joy.

What?

I've been talking to Riley.

I realize I'm making a big mistake. I can't do this.

What did you say to him?

What's he in for?

He had a panic attack.

Maybe because you're making him wear a bow tie.

He looks like a dancer at a bachelorette strip party.

He's dressed for his birthday, and now you've ruined it.

Hey, how was house hunting today?

Uh, the places weren't great, but at least they were out of our purse bag.

You told Mom we don't want to move.

I just don't think at this age I meant to live in it.

uncomfortable life.

We loved your place.

All the bathrooms have locks.

I get the idea your mom was miserable.

Mostly because she told me I was making her miserable.

She doesn't mean it.

In Vegas, we were always moving from place to place.

She hated it.

Remember that time we lived at Circus Circus?

It was awful, awful.

Well, no, it wasn't. That Elvis impersonator taught me long division.

Divide by two, carry the hog a -hog a -burning one.

I think Mom just wants a place that she can call her out.

She never told me any of this.

Oh, look. Charlie is fine. You can take him home.

Big stock, you're helping a young boy become a man.

How much do you charge to neuter a kid?

Listen, uh, dog's okay, though?

100%. Excellent. Gave him a very thorough exam.

Top to bottom.

Inside out.

What's going on?

Why is he having second thoughts?

He's just freaking out about getting rid of his stuff. It happened to my

grandmother. Of course, she was a hoarder, and I was throwing away a 14

-old can of peaches.

What is with him? I don't understand why he's hanging on to his junk.

Don't all men like to hang on to their junk?

The thing is, it's not actually junk to Gabe. Did he ever tell you about his

childhood?

No.

He never talks about that stuff.

Well, it was pretty crappy. Not a lot of great memories.

This stuff reminds him of the good times, like this plastic cup. My dad

Gabe and my brother to this game the night Gabe's dad left.

And then Gabe's dad blew him off on his birthday, so it surprised him with a

trip to medieval times.

And after I told the Green Knight, Gabe had stage four eczema, so he let him pet

his horse.

I had no idea.

Now I feel bad that I was pressuring Gabe to get rid of his stuff.

Well, maybe you should tell him that.

Hi.

I wasn't eavesdropping.

But, uh, I accept your apology.

Just so you know, you can talk to me about anything.

Even your childhood.

I know. It's just... It's hard for me to talk about things that make me fat.

It's like when McDonald's was serving breakfast all day and then they just

stopped.

Yeah, with zero...

Continue. It's going to work out, babe.

We're going to be so happy here.

Okay.

I should go.

With this.

And I think I'll treat myself to the director's cut of Encino Man.

What a life I lead.

You're the tail on that thing.

You're watching Turner and Hooch?

Yeah.

The dog is a good actor, right?

The Tom Hanks?

I don't know.

I don't know. It just said that.

By the way, don't worry about the vase. It's going back in my room. Sorry.

Your guest room.

How about just put it on our credenza?

Wait. Did you say our?

Well, there's my buddy, Carlos Joaquin de la Mencha. Kobe Bryant.

Martinez says, mi casa es su casa.

Thanks, Dad.

There's a little caveat, though.

Adios mio.

Listen, let's have you start paying me rent, but we'll put that into a savings

account, and pretty soon you'll have down payment to get your own house.

Thanks, Dad.

Although, by then, this will be my home, and your home will be, well, a home.

Okay, do we have a deal?

This is our house with our rules.

Deal?

Speaking of, I was thinking we could get solar panels. No, no.

This is a house. It's not some hippie commune in the People's Republic of

Portland.

Exactly.

Here you go.

First rent check.

Feels good to be independent.

Oh. If you really want to feel independent, I could take you off the

phone plan.

Easy, Tiger. That check isn't cleared yet.

Where are you putting that there?

It looks better here.

I'm sorry. What did you say, Charlie?

Exactly. I agree.

You said it doesn't fit there.

What happened to our house, our rules?

It's just too big for the space. You gave birth to Carter. You get it.

We're not using traditional labels.

We're going with boo and bae.

Boo bae.

I missed you.

Call that.

Thanks for taking care of Charlie.

Oh, of course. We'll miss him.

Don't you want to say goodbye, Dad?

Sure. One more belly rub.

Come here, boy. Come over here.

Ironman's best friend.

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