Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

♪ and you knew where you were then ♪

♪ girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again ♪

♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

So when you grow up and have a family

you'll be coming to the laundromat, too.

- Every week? - Oh, yeah.

I'd rather be dirty.

Oh, it ain't nice to be dirty.

I don't mind.

Would you take this and get me four quarters for the machine?

Okay.

Allow me, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh! Mr. Klemmer!

I saw you from the outside and I had to come in and say hello.

You shouldn't...

- Hello, hello. - Well, hello.

- Mwah, mwah. - How are you?

Oh, your hand smells nice.

It's ajax, the foamy cleanser.

Oh, my.

- It is so nice to see you. - Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

This is my little grandniece, Stephanie.

Oh, kiss the hand, fraulein Stephanie.

You like that, huh?

Yeah, your beard feels like a dog.

Oh, see, this is Mr. Klemmer, stephie.

He's the butcher.

Yes, and I'm very sorry your aunt doesn't come to my shop anymore.

We had a wonderful relationship.

I was in love with her smile,

and she was in love with my liver.

I hate liver.

Oh, Mr. Klemmer.

B-b-b-b... Albrecht.

Oh, yeah, Albrecht.

That's much better, "ee-dit."

Hm? Edith.

"Ee-dit"... th.

My uncle Archie hates liver, too.

Let's sit down. Let's sit down.

- Oh, Mr. Klemmer. - No, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah. I mean, Albrecht.

You look wonderful.

I know.

That's because I have wonderful news.

I am going to get married.

- Married? - Yeah.

- You're gonna get... - Yeah, ha ha ha.

Ohh... oh, that's wonderful.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Well, what's her name? - Well...

- Where did you meet 'er? - We met in...

- When is it gonna be? - We haven't...

Tell me all about it.

Well, in the first place,

it is because she reminds me a lot about you.

Maybe that's why I fell in love with her.

Oh, oh.

My uncle Archie says liver gives him "dys-poop-sia."

What?

She don't remind you of me.

She reminds you of your wife, who passed away,

because you always said that I reminded you of her,

so you don't mean that she reminds you of me.

You mean that she reminds you of your wife,

who passed away,

because I always reminded you of her,

so she don't remind you of me.

She reminds you of her, not me.

See?

Yes.

And she looks a lot like you, t...

Oh, and she has a name like yours,

judit-th.

Oh, mist... Albrecht, I'm so happy for you.

You have no idea.

She is bright, intelligent.

She loves music, she cooks good, and she loves me.

What could be better?

I would love for you to meet my liebchen.

Oh, I'd love to. Why don't you come to our house?

Tonight. For homemade cake and coffee.

And you can bring miss liebchen.

That would be wonderful.

Oh, but liebchen isn't her name.

That means "loved one."

Ohh, ain't that nice?

Ha ha ha.

Oh! Maybe we could sit around the piano

and sing like we did the last time.

- Oh, yeah! - ♪ when I'm calling ♪

♪ you ♪

♪ will you answer ♪

♪ too ♪

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Put that back here.

Give me a break, will ya?

Let me finish my dinner.

Don't you see them two beans laying there?

They're gonna be here any minute.

Oh, god.

My one night off in the week,

and I gotta spend it with klemmer,

the horny hun.

- Archie, please, be nice. - Oh, be nice.

He's getting married and he's very proud.

He wants to show us his liebchen.

Let him show it to his girlfriend.

I ain't interested in it.

Liebchen is the girlfriend.

Well, I ain't interested in hers, neither.

All right, you can take my dish now.

What about the beans?

I don't want them.

Thank you.

I don't know why you feel you have to be nice to that guy.

He ain't your butcher no more.

Oh, now that he's getting married,

I can go back to his store.

Mmmm.

He don't care about me no more.

Oh, ho ho ho, jeez, that's what you think.

You don't know nothing about Germans, Edith.

You know, the Germans ain't never satisfied with what they got.

You look it up. It's a well-known "historirical" fact.

They gave 'em an inch of czechoslovakia,

and they took Poland.

Which proves the Germans ain't none too smart, neither.

Archie, why don't you like company?

I like company, Edith.

I just don't want it to come over to visit.

Well, they're coming tonight so please, be nice,

just this once.

Don't keep telling me, "be nice."

I want to tell you something.

If I have to be nice,

I can be very, very nice.

Oh, damn, I'd like to wire that doorbell to a wet doormat!

Damn Germans. Always on time.

They think they could be a little late like the rest of the world.

You get the door, and I'll get the coffee and the cake.

And remember... be nice.

Oh, jeez.

Wow, if it ain't my old pal al klemmer there!

How are you there, al?

Good evening, Mr. Bunker.

At... at ease there, chancellor.

Well, long time no see.

In other words, auf, uh, my wiedersehen.

Hey, auf yours, too.

Well, don't stand on the porch, al.

As long as you're here, you might as well come on in, huh?

You, too.

There.

Just step right in there.

And put your hats and coats on the available hooks here.

This is my fiancée Judith klammerstadt.

Ahh.

How do you do?

How you doing, miss... What was that again?

Klammerstadt.

Got it.

I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Bunker.

Uh, well, you know, friends will talk.

But, listen, I ain't half as nice as people say I am.

Yeah, well, come on in, come on in,

and just, uh, make yourselves at home.

Sit down anywheres you want.

Oh, yeah, except for this here chair there,

miss... what d'you call?

Uh, because this chair is in a hell of a cross draft.

Cross draft?

Why don't you move it?

You want to look at a hole in the rug?

No.

All right, then do what I tell you.

Uh, pop yourself on the Davenport.

It's just as comfortable. Yeah, yeah, sit down.

Uh, say, Edith out there, I heard they're here, ha ha.

Edith's inside making coffee for yous.

Well, well, well, huh?

Vell, vell, vell.

Do you think Martin bormann is still down in Brazil?

All I know is he never walked

into my butcher shop in queens.

Well, then, I guess he's still down in Brazil.

Uh, hurry on out, there, Edith, will you?

I'm running out of nice things to say.

Here we are.

Here! Let me help you.

It's all right there, al.

I mean, she's used to carrying things alone.

Thank you.

My, don't we look nice this evening.

Ohh.

Ohh, thank you, Mr. Klemmer.

- Oh, oh, oh. - Oh, Albrecht, ha ha.

Edith, this is my fiancée Judith.

Wait till you hear the last name there, Edith.

- Tell 'er, al. - Klammerstadt.

Don't that give you a little chill?

Ohh, it's so nice to meet you.

Ohh, miss...

I got it. I got it. "Klammer-schtup."

Klammerstadt. Thank you.

It is very nice to meet you, too.

Oh, well, congratulations.

I'm sure you'll both be very happy.

Ohh, look, Archie.

- Ain't that beautiful? - Wow.

It is my engagement ring.

Guess who gave it to her?

Who?

Edith, get with it, huh?

Oh, you!

Ah, whoop-Dee-doo and achtung there, al.

Hey, how many cows did you have to club to death to pay for that?

It's so romantic.

I don't know what it is.

There's something about Judith that reminds me of you.

Really?

Hey, al, I can't see nothing but your rump roast.

Out of the way.

Albrecht speaks often of you.

- Ohh. - Yes, because you are a special person.

And watch this here because this is where

he lose control of himself there,

miss "klammer-dip."

Oh, oh, but then, so are you, my liebchen.

Well, Edith, how 'bout coffee, huh?

Oh, yeah. I got it, and cake, too.

Are you hungry?

No. I'm just drowsy.

I thought first we were going to sing some songs.

Well, why don't you drink some coffee and eat a lot of cake then?

Maybe you'll be too full to sing.

Oh, no, we won't.

Oh, would you like to sing along with us, Judith?

Uh, no. Thank you. I am not a good zinger.

Well, to hell with the coffee then.

Yous two just "zing," and us two'll just "zit."

Come on, Albrecht.

You pick the song.

Come along, Mr. Bunker. Come, sing with us.

Uh, no, you're out of my league, al.

Oh, we're not that good.

That's what I mean, al.

Well, what are you looking for there, a march?

Ooh, a love song.

Get a load of that, huh?

They're looking for a love song there, miss "klammer-chowder."

Klammerstadt.

Hey, I'm getting closer, though, huh?

"Voop-Dee-doo," as you say.

- Here, this is a good one. - Oh, yeah, this is pretty.

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ is all that I can say ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ the same old words ♪

♪ I'm saying in the same old way ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Hey, al.

Hey, al! Al!

I think you just lost half your audience here.

Judith!

Is something wrong?

Everything is wrong!

I am in the way here.

You don't love me! You love her!

The wife of the fatso!

I don't love her!

No, he don't love me!

He certainly loves your hands.

He's always trying to get them in his mouth.

I don't love her!

Yeah, herr bunker is right.

You do that.

You don't look at me the way you look at her.

You don't sing love songs with me.

You don't have a piano.

Und you don't have a liebchen.

Well, if he ain't got a liebchen,

he ain't gonna make much of a husband.

Here is your ring!

- No, no, no. - The wedding is off!

Judith, Judith, what are you doing?

Let me out of here!

The battle of the bulge.

Well, it's your fault.

You're a sex pot, you know that?

No, I ain't.

Am I?

But aba Judith...

Don't "aba Judith" me.

Call me a taxi!

Lovers' quarrel.

Look, we found your ring.

What am I going to do?

She won't even listen to me.

Please, Edith, maybe you can talk to her.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I won't allow that.

You stay out of this thing, Edith.

In their garden of Eden, you're the crabgrass.

But somebody has to talk to her!

Well...

Oh, hold it, hold it. Not me there!

Hey, come on. Don't look over here.

I ain't no dear "Abbie."

Please, Mr. Bunker.

When she's in this mood,

a human being can't talk to her.

You talk to her.

Listen, al, there's an old saying,

"hell hath no fury like a woman's corns."

Now, I ain't never knew what that meant,

but I always deeply believed in it.

But you're forgetting, Mr. Bunker,

that an attractive man

can always do more with a woman,

and there's no use denying you are an attractive man.

This comes as a big surprise to me, Albrecht.

You know, this is why Rome fell.

Europeans.

Yous go for any kind of flesh

as long as it's a little warm.

Now, al, if you want that woman back...

And, jeez, I took a good look at her

and I don't know what you see in 'er...

You'll march out there to the kitchen,

and I mean mad, and you'll give 'er the old mach schnel,

and I mean loud there,

and you grab a hold of 'er, you know?

The way they used to take us prisoners, remember?

And then the two of yous, you get the hell out of here.

Oh, Archie, that ain't no way to do it.

Well, that's my best shot, Edith.

You come up with something better.

Yes, please.

Well, all right. I'll try.

Now, Edith, if you're gonna talk to 'er,

talk through the door, huh?

I mean, don't go in there.

That woman's liable to come at you

like "doberman's pinscher."

Yoo-hoo.

Judy?

Can I come in?

Are you comfy?

We found your ring.

You can keep it.

I am not going to marry your dummkopf fool makes cow eyes at you!

Ohh...

Albrecht don't love me, he loves you.

I just remind 'im of his dead wife...

Who passed away.

You know, Albrecht is a very unusual man.

He's a sweet and loving person

and he shows that to everybody he likes.

Not just me, everybody.

That's the way he is.

And ain't it wonderful that he can do that,

show everybody that he likes them?

But you're the one he loves.

I know that.

And I know you love him, too.

So, if you let him go, you'll be th-the "dumbkoff,"

whatever that is.

Have a piece of cake, it'll make you feel better.

Ooh, what happened?

What did she say? Did she change 'er mind?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, she's thinking.

Thinking about what?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?!

Whoa, whoa! Ho-hold it down there, will ya, al?

Gee, this ain't stalag iv.

This is a businessman's quiet home in queens.

Nobody ever hollers around here.

Now, if Edith says she don't know, she don't know.

That's the one thing she does know.

I am sorry.

Well, you should be there, blue angel.

Und I want to thank Edith. Edith, thank you.

You're welcome.

Liebchen...

I am sorry I caused you all this trouble.

No.

It was I who caused all this trouble.

- No, it was I. - No, it was I.

Oh, no, it was I.

- I, I, I. - I, I, I.

- I, I, I. - I, I, I.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold there, will you?

The "i's" have it already.

Why don't yous both kiss and make up

and fly to Milwaukee?

Schatzi, schatzi...

Ich liebe dich.

Ich liebe dich.

Oh, Archie, ain't that sweet?

It's just like the jerries, Edith.

They can't even wind up a love scene

without singing a battle hymn.

Oh, god.

All in the family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.