Original subtitles

"Help me out here, Doc.

I need a time of death."

"Sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't give you

"an official T.O.D. until I get her on the slab.

"But based on hypostatic lividity

"and degree of rigor, I'd say our cheerleader

got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime."

Real? Real.

"Anything else?"

"Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade,

multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma."

"So how are we gonna find this psychopath?"

"Well, like our killer,

we'll just have to... take a stab at it."

That's it.

(light applauding)

So, you think I'll get the part?

Uh, well, I for one totally buy you

as a brilliant forensic investigator.

Thanks, but I believe it's pronounced "fornesic."

What do you think, Charlie?

Unbelievable.

Aw...

I mean... beyond belief.

That's sweet.

I mean... I just don't believe it.

You made your point, Charlie.

Do you like what I did with the glasses?

On, smart...

off, hot.

My mind is just completely blown.

So when are you gonna be on TV?

I have to pass the audition first.

Let's not put the cart before the whores.

Horse.

(clears throat): Maybe a little.

I've been rehearsing all day.

(makes exploding noise)

What's the name of the show?

Stiffs.

Stiffs?

You know, like dead bodies.

Oh, right. Sure.

I know what you were thinking.

Well, I better go.

The audition's at 4:00

and I still have to get my tan sprayed on.

Best of luck.

It has nothing to do with luck, Alan.

You just have to stand still

and keep your eyes and mouth closed.

No, I meant...

Never mind.

Knock 'em dead at the audition. Thanks.

And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat.

It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Okay, well, uh, tell me how it goes.

I will.

Oh, and by the way.

Did you get the divorce papers?

Not really, but my lawyer explained them to me. Bye.

The-They need to be signed.

Kandi?

(engine starts)

(vehicle departs)

Hey, what's your hurry?

If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married,

she'll have to pay you alimony.

Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end,

we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

(knocking)

(knocking)

(knocking continues)

Isn't anybody gonna get that?

Jake?

Yeah?

(knocking) What are you doing?

Hanging posters.

Did you consider using scotch tape?

It doesn't hold as well. Especially her.

Who is that?

Raven.

She's the North American ladies' wrestling champ.

Aha.

All oiled up and ready to... wrestle.

(knocking)

Damn it! This isn't funny!

Quick little bastards.

What happened to your Harry Potter posters?

I'm not a kid anymore, Dad.

You don't have to be a kid to like Harry Potter.

You want it, take it.

Aw, Harry. You crumpled Harry.

You remember when we got this? No.

Oh, come on, we stood on line

outside that bookstore at midnight

to get one of the first copies?

You were dressed as Harry and I was dressed as Dumbledore.

I don't remember, Dad.

Sure you do.

You made fun of that other kid 'cause he had

a flying mop instead of a broom, and, uh,

he started crying and his father punched me in the chest?

No.

Yeah, well, you weren't the one with the cracked rib.

Anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to...

redecorate like this?

I don't know, I like cars and wrestling.

And wet T-shirts, apparently.

Oh, there is a wet T-shirt on that-- I hadn't noticed.

(knocking)

Ha!

Jake's redecorating.

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, Raven.

Those are fake, by the way.

Charlie!

What? He has a right to know.

I'm just glad the little guy's got me to...

Wait a minute.

Are those nails in my wall?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

No.

No? That's your answer? No?

Yeah.

Charlie... Charlie, come on.

For God's sake!

These are railroad spikes!

I'll putty over it.

That's not plaster board, that's stucco.

You can't just putty stucco.

I know, I'll fix it.

Let's just give him some privacy.

Wait, wait, wait.

At least I can take one hammer out of his hand.

* Men... *

ALAN (on TV): Jake, look at Daddy.

Look at Daddy. Look at Daddy.

Ah, that's my boy.

Where's Daddy?

Daddy's over here.

Wasn't he adorable?

Yeah.

Hey, could you rewind to Judith breast-feeding him?

That was really adorable.

Especially the part

where she does the old switcheroo.

(baby Jake babbling)

I miss that little boy.

Seems like only yesterday I could hold him in one arm.

He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.

He craps more than that now.

Where did the time go?

His childhood is almost over

and there's still so much stuff I want to do with him.

Like what?

You know, father-son stuff.

Pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch

or riding bikes.

Do you realize I've never even taken him

fishing or camping or hunting?

Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt?

That's not the point.

I-I-I thought we would learn together.

Oh, that sounds good.

You and knucklehead out in the woods

taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Okay, it's not so much about hunting, per se.

"Per se." There's an outdoorsy phrase.

It's about bonding.

Before you know it,

he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all.

Not unless you grow boobs and straddle a Harley.

All right, look.

It doesn't help to whine about it.

If you want to get lost in the woods

with Jerky Gherkinheimer, go do it.

My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Actually, it's more of a limerick.

There once was a moron named Al,

who wanted to camp with his pal...

Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

So, Charlie,

where's the wife and kid?

They went camping to do some father-son bonding.

(thunder booms)

(all laughing)

(wind whistling)

(thunder rumbling)

ALAN: And when they looked at the door handle of the car,

there was nothing there...

but a hook.

A hook?

That makes no sense.

Oh, I left out a part.

Um, uh, okay, the guy who escaped

from the insane asylum had lost his hand

in some kind of an industrial accident.

Anyway, they replaced it with a sharp metal hook.

And it was said hook that was stuck

on the aforementioned door handle.

(creepy voice): Ooh...

Dad, over the past three birthdays

I've gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards.

They're yours if we can just go home.

No, no, we're having fun.

Hey, I know-- we'll sing a song.

* On top of spaghetti

* All covered with cheese

Come on, you used to love this one.

* I lost my poor meatball

* When somebody sneezed

(thunder booms)

* It rolled off the table

* And... onto the floor

Come on!

* And then my poor meatball

* Rolled right out the door.

* Men... *

Dad...

Yeah, buddy?

Bite me.

You'll see.

Someday you and and I will look back on this weekend

and laugh and laugh...

I didn't say someday soon.

Hey, come on.

I thought you liked wet T-shirts.

Hey.

Hey.

Shut up.

Oh, come on, Alan.

We both know I can't do that.

What do you want me to say,

that it was a bad idea?

Okay, it was a bad idea.

And the only thing we bonded over was our mutual discomfort

with pooping into a coffee can.

It wasn't Chock Full O' Nuts, was it?

Sorry, sorry. Where's Jake?

He went back to his friends in Hooterville.

Well, I can't blame him.

It never rains in Hooterville.

Look, Alan, seriously,

I'm, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I know your heart was in the right place.

Thank you.

Now, I finished the limerick. You want to hear it?

Too soon?

You don't get it.

You don't understand what it's like

to be a little boy's best friend,

to be someone he looks up to, and then one day you turn around

and the only person he looks up to is covered with baby oil

and nailed to the ceiling.

Count your blessings.

There's all kinds of pictures that could have been up there.

Yeah, I guess.

It could have been the Moscow Ballet.

I got it. Still,

I can't help but feel a little empty inside,

like, like a chapter of my life is over.

So? You've still got plenty to look forward to.

You mean, besides work, loneliness and death?

Absolutely.

There's memory loss...

impotence, adult diapers.

I'm all you've got, pal.

That's true.

My wives are gone, my son is grown,

but I'll always have you...

my brother.

Forever.

Okay, now, I was just having fun, but that was mean.

* Men.

Well, when will he be back?

All right, tell him I called again.

Boy, some agent.

He never calls,

he never returns my calls.

I'm almost sorry I let him feel me up.

I guess that's showbiz.

That's what he said.

Uh, listen, Kandi...

I really thought they liked me at that audition.

They had me read three times, and then all the jumping jacks.

Jumping jacks?

It's an action series, Alan.

They need to know that I'm fit.

Ah. Uh, listen, Kandi, there's something I wanted

to talk to you about.

If it's about the divorce papers

I haven't signed them yet.

No, no, that's not why I'm here.

Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?

The big reason or all the little reasons?

The big one.

'Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.

I know.

Like the way your toenails grow all crazy.

Right.

And your ear hair and your nose hair.

Got it.

And that one long hair on your back, yuck!

Wait, forget the little reasons.

Just, just the big one.

Yeah, you didn't want to have a baby, and I did.

Right. Well, what would you say if I were to tell you that

I've changed my mind about that?

Really?

Yeah, I've just been thinking that Jake is almost grown

and there's still a lot of daddy left in me.

So you want to have a baby?

Yes, I do.

A fresh start, a-a-a new chapter.

Wow, that's a big step.

Yeah, I know. I know it is.

So if you want to think about it...

No, that's okay. Let's make a baby.

Just like that?

Don't you want to talk about it some more?

Alan, it's practically all we talked about

our entire marriage.

Baby, baby, toenails, baby, ear hair, baby,

how clocks work, baby.

(chuckles)

So... so you really want to do this?

Do what?

You see, if you use tape,

it's much easier to rotate in new posters

when these ones stop working for you.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

Trust me. After a while, these beautiful eyes

are gonna be filled with judgment and condemnation.

What are you talking about?

Okay, maybe that was just me.

Anyway, you're lucky

your dad lets you hang posters like this.

I guess.

Does your mother let you?

No way.

So what do you got at her house,

a secret stash of magazines?

Just one. Playboy 1998, the Christmas issue.

God bless Hugh Hefner, huh?

God bless Kimberly Macadoo from Portland, Oregon

born March 4, 1979.

Turn-ons: sunshine and goatees.

Turn-offs: judgmental people and war.

Gotta love a chick who doesn't like war.

Tape me.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, could you do me a favor?

If it's the favor I'm thinking of, not until you're 18

and not in my house.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

What do you need?

Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff?

It's kinda lame.

Lame? You think it's lame

your father cares so much about you

he wants nothing more than to be part of your life?

Yeah.

Look, you gotta understand

what your father's going through.

What do you mean?

Okay, here's the deal.

Your father has reached a very difficult age.

It's confusing and a little bit scary for him.

Scary how?

Well, first of all, his body's changing.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Hair is growing where it's never grown before.

That is scary.

And then there's the hormones. Hormones?

Yep, your father is running out of them.

Sounds bad.

No, no, it's just a perfectly natural part

of growing old, Jake.

Is it happening to you?

No, no, no.

My point is that your father is going through this phase

and you have to be patient and understanding.

So he's gonna want to go camping again?

Probably not in this lifetime.

But you might have to play catch with him or something.

Guess I could do that.

Atta boy.

All right, well, I'm glad we had this little talk.

Now I'm gonna go get hammered.

(English accent): Hello, ladies, I'm Harry Potter.

* Men.

Is there anything special we have to do?

Oh, no, no. It's just like regular sex,

but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.

Oh, okay, but I still get all the rest

of the fumbling, right?

I prefer to call that "foreplay."

(phone rings)

Hold on.

Hello.

This is she.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hold on a sec.

Here, we're divorced.

Okay, I'm back. You were saying?

Really? I got the part?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Alan, I got the part.

Oh, that's terrific. Congratulations.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put that thing away.

But I-I thought...

Oh, please, nobody wants

to see a pregnant fornesic investigator.

Hey, can we still do it with a condom?

* Men.

(sportscast playing)

It's dark out.

Okay.

I tried.

Help me out here, Doc.

I need a time of death for our little cheerleader.

I can't give you an official T.O.D.

until I get her on the slab.

But based on hypostatic lividity and degree of rigor,

I'd say our cheerleader got her pom-poms pierced

right around halftime.

Anything else?

Left-handed assailant, used a single-edge blade,

multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma.

So how are we gonna find this psychopath?

Well, like our killer, we'll just have to take a stab at it.

* Mama's got a squeezebox, Daddy never sleeps at night *

Unbelievable.

Yeah.

They're real, you know.

I know, I was married to her.

Oh, yeah.

Dawg!

You know what? I'll be in my room.

When are you guys going fishing?