Original subtitles

Morning, Charlie.

Charlie.

Good, I don't have to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Morning.

Morning.

He sleeping?

Sure, let's call it sleep.

Uncle Charlie, I'm gonna have a bowl of Maple Loops.

You want one?

You sure he's okay?

I never said he was okay.

Freaky.

You really shouldn't see him like this, Jake.

There. Now you can enjoy your breakfast.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, he's getting old, kiddo.

I wish you could've seen him in his prime.

He was like Babe Ruth.

He played baseball?

No, he was a drunken whore-monger.

But there was none better.

Oh, God, look what the cat dragged in.

He didn't just drag it, he ate it, pooped it out

and then covered it with sand.

You know what'd be funny?

To paint a big mustache on him.

(chuckles)

That would be hilarious...

but no.

Charlie?

Charlie?

Yeah?

You okay?

Yeah.

What time did you get home?

I'm home?

You are.

Oh, God, I'm blind.

It's a miracle.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Good night, Berta.

Hey.

Look who's finally up.

How'd you sleep?

Okay, I guess.

Good, I'm glad.

Oh, Tater Tots.

Help yourself.

Jake, I said no.

I didn't do it.

He didn't.

(coughing)

(clears throat)

What are you staring at?

Nothing, señor.

So, uh, how are you feeling?

Depends.

What day is it?

Saturday.

Oh.

Well, in that case I feel great.

Why "in that case"?

If it was Thursday, I'd be a little worried.

I don't know, Charlie,

you've been pushing it pretty hard lately.

What do you mean?

I mean you're not a kid anymore.

Oh, please.

I'm in the best shape of my life.

(coughing)

(phlegmatic coughing)

Now, that doesn't belong inside of me.

It takes a lot to gross me out, but wow.

Hey, get your stuff together.

I'm going to bring you back to your mom's.

Let me tell you something, Alan.

You're only as young as the women you feel.

And lately, I've been feeling about 24.

Twenty-four?

Yep, and she doesn't think I'm old.

She thinks I'm cute and fun.

And rich.

Yeah, the rich helps.

I'm not that cute.

Okay, fine.

I understand the allure, the nectar of the young berry.

But I also know what happens

when you burn a candle at both ends.

How would you know that?

Did you take a candle-making class at the Learning Annex?

Hey, I have done my share of walking on the wild side.

The wild side?

Okay, the rambunctious side.

My point is there comes a time in a man's life

when he has to start accepting his limitations.

Yeah, well, my point is the day you start accepting limitations

is the day you start dying.

And I'm not dying, my friend;

I am living life to the fullest.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap.

* Men...

That was fun!

Yeah.

How long until you're ready to go again?

You mean tonight?

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You're old.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm not old.

I'm just not a... yogurt dispenser.

You're almost as old as my dad.

All right, listen, if you're looking to go again,

that's not the way to get there.

Aw, did I hurt your feelings?

No, no, you didn't hurt my feelings.

It's just, you know, there are certain

biological factors you have to take into account...

Yeah, my dad takes Viagra.

Good for him.

All I'm saying is

we could do something else for a while

and then come back to this.

Great, let's go to a club.

Now?

It's 11:00.

So we'll get there early.

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of

making some toaster pizzas and watching The Daily Show.

Oh.

What?

I'm bored.

If we're not gonna have sex, I want to go out.

Okay, tell you what, why don't you go out

and, you know, boogie-oogie-oogie,

and when you come back, wake me up and we'll have sex.

That's a lame idea, Charlie.

Okay, you can skip the waking me up part.

I'm just gonna go call some friends.

No, no, wait, wait.

Come here, come here.

I think I'm ready to go again.

Really? Really.

I got nothing-- let's go dancing.

* Men...

Yeah, I'm coming with the guy I told you about, the old guy.

I don't know.

I think he's got a little brother who's old, too.

I'll ask him.

Great, we'll see you there.

Hey, do you think your brother would want to come with us?

Alan?

No, he's not the type.

He'd be miserable going to a dance club at this hour.

Wait here, I'll go get him.

(laughing)

Hey. Oh, you just missed it.

Jon Stewart made a very clever joke about the budget deficit.

Swell.

Get dressed, we're going dancing.

Yeah, right.

Toaster pizza?

No, come on, let's go.

You're serious? Yes.

But it's after 11:00, and I'm all tucked in.

Too bad.

I'm drinking nighty-night tea.

Come on, Robin wants to go dancing,

and I'm gonna need a designated driver.

Hey, just 'cause you're making a fool of yourself

trying to keep up with a 24-year-old girl,

doesn't mean I have to join you.

She has a 24-year-old girlfriend.

Is it dressy-dressy or dressy-casual?

* Men...

Just take it.

Maybe it'll loosen you up.

I don't think so.

Recent studies indicate that ecstasy

may well deplete your spinal fluid.

Yeah, so?

So?

Young lady, I am a chiropractor.

Whoo.

You know what,

my date isn't working out.

Well, maybe you'd get somewhere

if you stopped talking to her like you're her father.

Well, somebody has to, because her real father

has obviously dropped the ball.

Oh, wonderful, a smoker.

So I guess you're counting on stem cell research

to replace your spine and lungs.

Alan, Alan, you're embarrassing me.

I'm embarrassing you? Look at yourself.

You're standing in line in a dank alley

in the middle of the Urine District.

Hey, this is the hippest club in town.

Oh, hip, schmip-- it's a toilet with a doorman.

Somebody lit a doobie.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah,

that is definitely the ganja.

Great, now we're all gonna get busted.

Will you just relax and let yourself have some fun?

Oh, this is fun for you?

Exhaust fumes and reefer smoke?

Let me tell you something, Charlie.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I need plenty of rest, exercise

and a high-fiber diet, and...

Oh, perfect, I just stepped on a condom.

(techno music blasting)

Go ahead, have a good time.

Hold it.

We're with them.

I don't think so.

No, no, we are. Although truth be told,

I don't see a long-term relationship in the offing.

You understand.

Don't touch the rope.

Sorry.

I didn't realize you were king of the rope.

(softly): Shut up, Alan.

Look, if you're not on the list,

you're not getting in.

You let the girls in.

Alan. He let the girls in.

That's because pretty girls dress up the place.

Watch how this works.

Listen...

why don't you check your list for Jackson.

Andrew Jackson.

Nope.

Got Tito and LaToya.

Okay.

What if I change my name to...

Ulysses S. Grant?

You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice.

If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity,

you're not getting in.

All right, look,

I didn't want to have to play this card,

but I'm Charlie Harper.

I'm in the music business.

I wrote the Maple Loops jingle.

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

Oh, I love those cookies.

Great.

You got any on you?

No. Beat it.

Charlie, let me handle this.

Sir...

I am Matthew Broderick.

Who?

Bruno, they're with me.

Are you sure?

This is a good chance to cut 'em loose.

Guys, come on.

Matthew Broderick is a gifted actor

and the toast of Broadway.

Oh, for God's sake, will you stop complaining?

Well, I'm sorry, but the music in that club

was so loud, my ears are still ringing.

* Ah...

You know what that sound is?

That is the sound of the little hairs in my middle ear dying.

* Ah...

I am talking permanent hearing loss, Charlie.

Those little hairs don't grow back.

* Ah...

Oh, wait, let's see something.

* Ah...

(playing notes)

* Ah.... C-Sharp...

* C-Sharp is the sound of encroaching deafness. *

Listen to you; you're like an old man.

I can't listen to me.

All I hear is... * Ah...

Worst night of my life.

You're just ticked off because you couldn't keep up.

I couldn't keep up?

I was out on the dance floor with the girls

while you were sleeping in the booth.

I wasn't sleeping.

I was closing my eyes,

because I couldn't bear to watch you do this.

I was voguing.

You were napping.

Nobody vogues anymore, Alan.

And guess what?

Nobody does the robot anymore, either.

Oh, yeah?

Then why did it catch on with the other dancers?

It didn't catch on.

They were openly mocking you.

What do you want from me?

I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club,

I went out to breakfast,

I held my date's hair

while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot.

Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home,

you'd be having sex with her right now.

Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

And I have to go to work.

You know what?

You are a fuddy-duddy.

I'm... I'm a fuddy-duddy?

Hey, if the orthopedic shoe fits, wear it.

They are not orthopedic.

They merely have a reinforced arch for the active lifestyle.

And you were napping.

Okay, maybe I needed a little shut-eye.

But that's only because I had vigorous sex earlier.

Oh, let's face it.

We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.

MTV?

Did they just defrost you?

Okay... MTV, VH-1, whatever the kids are watching.

My point is,

I am comfortable acting my age,

while you are in deep denial.

Hey, hey, I am not in denial about anything.

I am a young, vibrant man in the prime of my life.

I-- (coughs)

(spits)

What?

Young people have phlegm, too.

Sure.

Anyway...

as I was...

Oh, God.

What's the matter?

My chest.

Are you okay?

I don't know...

Hey, Alan...

Yeah?

Do you think it's too late to start jogging?

ALAN: Damn it, what kind of hospital is this?!

Where the hell are the doctors?

That's my brother in there!

If he dies, I'm homeless!

Uh, everything's fine.

They're just going to run some tests.

Not to worry.

Easy for you to say.

Listen, Alan, if I don't make it,

you need to know about my will.

Hey, I don't want to hear that kind of talk.

You're going to make it.

But go on, finish what you were saying.

First of all,

I left the house to you and Jake.

Yes!

You're going to make it.

Just so you know, there's two mortgages on it

and the property taxes are $50,000 a year.

Really? $50,000?

(whistles)

Uh, excuse me.

Do you got to flat line

to get a little help around here?!

Do you got to move

to Canada to get some decent medical care?!

Uh, they'll be right here.

So, uh... 50 grand, huh?

Boy, I don't know...

how I could afford that.

You know, unless I came into some money, you know.

An inheritance or something.

There's no money, Alan.

None?

The whole thing's a house of cards.

Huh.

Okay, I did not want to have to do this.

But I am Matthew Broderick.

And that is my brother lying there.

MAN: I'm so sorry, Mr. Broderick.

I loved you in The Producers.

Thank you.

Okay, let's have a look-see, huh?

According to your tests,

you just had an acute attack of indigestion.

(sighs)

It was gas?

Yes, a big bubble, about the size of a pomegranate.

What have you had to eat recently?

Nothing much.

He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls,

a quart of scotch

and the tongue of a 24-year-old actress.

He asked what I ate, Alan.

And I told him, Charlie.

Oh-ho, you're a dirty bird.

Well, the good news is that you

are a perfectly healthy 50-year-old man.

I'm only 40.

Tell that to your liver.

I recommend you slow down a bit.

I've been saying the same thing.

And you...

Why no sequel to Ferris Bueller, huh?

I wait and I wait.

I'm sorry; I'll get on it.

Ah. Give the people what they want.

So, gas.

(laughs)

Good news, huh?

A little embarrassing, but yeah.

What do you have to be embarrassed about?

Oh, I don't know-- the paramedics, the ambulance,

the crying and the last-minute negotiations with God.

Oh, right.

Are you still planning on teaching piano to orphans?

If any show up, sure.

Well, will you at least accept the fact

that you have to slow down?

Yeah, yeah.

It's weird, Alan.

It seems like just yesterday I could... I could party all night

and eat and drink anything I wanted to.

Now a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle,

and I'm sitting in the emergency room praying for a fart.

Now you know why I ordered tomato juice and cottage cheese.

I got to admit, you do take good care of yourself.

I try.

I guess that's why I keep you around.

Because I'm a good example?

No, you clod, spare parts.

* Men...

What are we watching?

Antiques Roadshow.

This woman thinks she has

Martha Washington's butter churn.

Toaster pizza?

Thank you.

So, you going out tonight?

Eh, what's the point?

Look, Charlie, I'm glad you're slowing down a bit,

but you haven't been out of the house in a week.

Eh, it's too depressing.

Wherever I go, I'm the oldest guy in the room.

Even here.

Hey, what would you think about getting a cat?

Okay, that's it.

Put some clothes on. We're going out.

It's 9:00.

I was going to make some kettle corn.

Forget the corn; you're coming with me.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Can you drive?

I don't like to drive at night.

What the hell is this place?

The fountain of youth.

What?

Follow me.

Ooh, look, young stuff.

Alan, you're a genius.

Sure.

How old are you?

I just turned 40.

Oh, you're a baby.

Yeah.

Hey, I have a little riddle for you.

All right.

What has multiple orgasms and hums?

I give up.

(humming)

Come on, I'll show you.

Alan...

Alan, I'm leaving.

And may God bless you.