Original subtitles

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You're back early.

How was your date?

I hate electric cars.

I don't like scented candles.

Once again, how was your date?

It was fine until her estranged husband

silently pulled into the driveway in his freakin' Prius.

If he hadn't stepped on the cat, I'd be dead now.

What are you doing?

Me?

Uh, nothing. Just, uh...

nothing.

You were surfing for porn, weren't you?

Uh... yes.

Okay, that's, that's what I was doing.

You caught me.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, you should be; it's disgusting.

Come on, let's see what puts a chubby in your chinos.

No, no, it's personal.

Ooh, what are you into, grannies with trannies?

Chickens with strap-ons?

Please, please don't, Charlie. Pl...

Oh, you pitiful freak!

What is wrong with you?

Nothing, I came upon it by accident.

I am so ashamed.

My own brother using an...

Internet dating service.

I'm a man, Charlie. I have needs.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Okay, name three contributions

that the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Um... Roman numerals.

Good.

Aqueducts...

Terrific.

Do you know what an aqueduct is?

Uh, something to do with water.

And...?

A duck?

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, Charlie.

Morning, Rose.

(half-whispers): What's going on?

She's helping Yertle the Turtle study for his test.

Why didn't he ask me?

Name three contributions

the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Orgies, wine and bulimia.

Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

Then who did invent aromatherapy?

Not the Romans.

But you see my logic.

You know, I never did understand

why you didn't give her more of a chance.

She's pretty, smart,

and amazingly patient with dumb guys.

Are you talking about Jake or me?

A smart guy wouldn't have to ask that question.

Excuse me, but let's not forget

this is a woman who stalked me,

who spied on me, who snuck into my house

to write her name and address in my underwear.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Somebody cares about Charlie.

Nobody ever wrote their name in my underwear.

Wait, once. The Department of Corrections.

Morning.

Hey. Morning.

Hey, guys.

How's the homework coming?

The three major buildings in ancient Rome

were the Coliseum, the Forum and...

Circus...

Circus Circus.

We need a little more time.

Carry on.

I know it's not Caesar's Palace.

Why don't you get him a real tutor?

Are you kidding?

She has advanced degrees in, like, three subjects,

she loves him, he worships her,

and the only thing she asks in return

is to sit naked in your laundry hamper every once in a while.

And that's not a red flag for you?

You could do a lot worse than Rose, Charlie.

I have done a lot worse.

But that's not really a recommendation now, is it?

The second triumvirate was Augustus, Mark Antony and...

Lepidus.

Very good.

Okay, well, that's it for today.

Wait a minute.

Oh, right.

Open up.

Mmm, cookie.

Hey, Charlie, you got a minute?

I'd like to talk to you privately.

Now's not a good time, Rose.

Will you call me later?

Sure.

Promise?

Yeah.

Cross your heart and hope to die?

(sighs)

Yes.

Stick a needle in your eye?

Okay.

Boil in oil until you fry?

Dear God, Rose, I will call you.

Toodles.

You're not going to call her, are you?

No, I think I'm going to go with the needle in the eye.

* Men.

(clippers buzzing)

Funny, you didn't mention in your dating profile

you've got hair growing out of all your holes.

Hey, what are you doing to my laptop?

Just learning a little about you, Spinemaster278.

I see you like smooth jazz,

long walks on the beach and cuddling.

Give me that. Now hold on. Hold on.

This is my favorite part.

"I love to spend quiet weekends

puttering around my Malibu beach house."

Educate me, Alan.

To what Malibu beach house are you referring?

Okay, okay, I was going to tell you about that.

Do you have one that I don't know about?

No, no. 'Cause if you do,

one of us should be living there.

Are you going to let me explain, or not?

What's to explain?

You have a Malibu beach house and you're the...

"chiropractor to the stars."

Okay, what do you want me to call myself?

Chiropractor to fat people in the valley?

Everybody exaggerates on these things.

Okay, I can understand that.

You're probably not going to get a lot of responses

to "bushy-nosed cheapskate,

enjoys long walks to a free meal."

Exactly.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, you're going out tonight, aren't you?

Why?

Well, I met a woman on this dating site

and she's here and it would be good if...

you weren't.

You're throwing me out of my own house?

Well, no, if you read the profile, it's my house.

See?

(doorbell rings) Coming!

Be right there!

Please play along.

You're going to play along, right?

I guess we'll find out together, won't we?

Alan, hi.

Beverly, it's so great to finally meet you in person.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, this is Charlie.

Oh, right, your poor brother.

Hi, Charlie.

(slowly): How are you?

Mmm, you smell nice.

Okay, okay, come on in.

Oh, my,

what a beautiful home.

Thank you. Thank you.

I encourage him to think of this place as his own.

Yeah, that way, I don't feel like such a worthless parasite.

Charlie, weren't you going out tonight?

Gee, I'd love to, but you know me, flat broke again.

Oh, well, I suppose I could float you a few bucks.

What do you need?

$400.

Okay. Okay.

You know, I'll... I'll just give you everything I have.

Uh... that's 31, 32... $33.

What about the secret compartment?

All right.

That'll be a, uh...

$133.

And I don't expect to see you again tonight.

Thanks, bro.

Be nice to him; he's all I've got.

Sorry about that.

I understand.

I have a sister who's a crack whore.

Really?

Maybe we can introduce them.

For $133, we can introduce them twice.

Terrific.

Well, here we are.

We sure are.

I guess you've noticed

I'm a little taller than five-nine.

Well, yeah, but everybody fudges a little

on those dating profiles.

How tall are you?

Five-thirteen.

Leanne, tell me something,

is it just me or is the crowd in here getting younger?

No, the crowd's the same age it's always been.

You, on the other hand, are not.

I'm not old.

40's the new 30, right?

Not the way you live, pal.

Yeah, well, guess what?

Not tipping is the new tipping.

I gotta do more drinking at home.

You didn't call.

Did you follow me here?

Please. If you're not home and you're not on a date,

where else would you be?

And, yes, I followed you here.

There's something I need to tell you.

What can I get you?

Grain alcohol, please.

We don't have grain alcohol.

Okay, just a Sprite.

What do you want, Rose?

I don't want anything.

I just have some news to share with you.

Is this CNN kind of news,

or something you heard from a friendly blue jay

with a top hat and a cane?

If you recall, that was a crow,

and he was wearing a derby and safety goggles.

And I've admitted that was a medication issue.

Fine, whatever. What's the news?

Well, my family has business interests in London,

and I'm going to move there and take a job.

Oh, terrific.

So will you be running the chocolate factory?

Did the OompaLoompas drop the ball?

Charlie... The little bastards went union, didn't they?

Oh, I'm going to miss that good-natured cynicism.

You're probably wondering why I decided to leave.

Actually, I was wondering

what possessed them to remake that movie.

Gene Wilder was perfect.

I'm leaving because I'm not getting any younger

and our relationship isn't really progressing

along the path I'd hoped for.

Rose, there is no relationship.

There is no path.

How very Zen of you.

I'll always love you, Charlie.

But this is best for both of us.

Yeah. Right.

Okay, well, have a good trip.

Say hi to the Queen...

of Hearts.

Is your friend leaving?

No, no, she never leaves.

She's probably climbing into the trunk of my car as we speak.

Hey, maybe you should follow me home to make sure I'm safe.

I don't think my husband would approve.

When did you get married?

Shortly after the last time I woke up in your bed

with cab fare taped to my forehead.

I suddenly realized how empty and soulless my life had become.

Thank you for that, by the way.

Happy to help.

How are you doing tonight?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, sir.

I don't have daddy issues.

And then a week before we were going to get married,

he announces that he's leaving me for the wedding planner.

Ouch!

I was heartsick.

I really cared for him.

Well, of course you cared for him.

Why else would you agree to marry him?

No, I mean the wedding planner.

Ouch. Well, we all have one or two heartbreaks in our life.

Eight.

Excuse me?

I've been dumped eight times.

Married, married, gay, parole violation,

gay and married, deported, returned to the priesthood,

and woman in a man's body.

Whoa. And yet you haven't given up.

Of course not.

I may have to kiss a lot of frogs,

but eventually I'll find my prince.

Ribbit.

I knew it. You're gay.

No, no. I'm not gay.

Well, whatever it is,

I don't have the time or the strength to deal with it.

Beverly, wait. Wait.

You know my loser brother?

I'm him.

What?

This is Charlie's house.

After my divorce, I was broke, and he took me in.

And I'm not the chiropractor to the stars.

I mostly handle slip-and-fall insurance claims.

That's all?

What do you mean, "That's all?"?

I mean, married, married, gay, parole violation...

Alan, you're a catch.

I am?

Come on. You're single, you're straight,

and you're a genetic male.

So I guess the bar's not that high.

Have you done much online dating?

You cleared it with a penis and a job.

And, just to put your mind at ease,

I plan on keeping both of them.

* Men.

Hey, Berta, you want to to hear something cool?

The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium

where people could eat as much as they wanted,

puke, and then eat some more.

Well, just like The Sizzler.

Hey. Morning, buddy.

You suck.

Whoa. Has the little prince not taken his morning poop yet?

It's your fault that Rose is moving away.

Oh, did she tell you that?

Jake, she's not going anywhere.

This is just one of her games to mess with my head.

Berta, tell him.

Jake, honey, your Uncle Charlie sucks.

Come on, Berta.

Hey, if you weren't such a self-centered pud,

you'd realize what an angel she is,

and you'd never let her go.

Okay, first of all, she's not an angel.

Second of all, she's not leaving.

And third, and perhaps most important, "pud"?

I cleaned it up for the kid.

ALAN: * Love is lovelier

* The ninth or tenth time around. *

ALAN: Good morning, everybody.

What's going on?

Rose is moving to London.

She is? Why?

'Cause Uncle Charlie is a pud.

A "pud"?

I cleaned it up for myself.

Hey, Dad, can we go to Sizzler?

* Men.

This is nice, huh?

Yeah.

Listen, can I tell you a little secret?

Sure.

It's kind of embarrassing.

Hey, you can tell me anything.

All right. Well, before I came over tonight,

I... put a toothbrush in my purse.

What's so embarrassing about that?

I don't go anywhere without floss.

In fact, sometimes I'll snap off 18 inches

and tuck it in my pocket in case, you know, I have a stubborn...

Oh!

You mean you and me? Tonight?

Unless you don't want to.

Want to? I'm almost done.

CHARLIE: You know, Alan,

I've been thinking about it,

and Rose really crossed the line

when she told Jake that crap about her moving away.

Uh... yeah, listen.

Kids take that stuff seriously, you know?

I know, but...

It's one thing to screw with me.

It's another thing to screw with a child.

No argument, but don't you think

this is a conversation you should have with her?

You're right. I'm going to settle this right now.

Rose, climb up here! I want to talk to you!

Are you sure you're the loser brother?

That's always been the consensus.

Excuse me.

Come on, Rose, you crazy bitch!

I know you're out there!

Uh, uh, Charlie?

What do you want me to do?

Beg you to stay?

I hate to interrupt, but I'm making some real headway in there,

and you're kind of ruining the mood.

Not now, Alan.

I'm not going to beg you

'cause you're not going anywhere!

I know you're not leaving, and you know you're not leaving!

Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush

'cause I have a penis and a job.

Rose!

How is she going to brush your job?

No, you don't understand.

I don't have time for this, Alan.

Charlie, are you okay?

Yeah. I just can't find my damn stalker.

He can't find his stalker?

They're usually in the last place you look.

But enough about him.

If you will accompany me to the boudoir,

I will convert an ordinary pull-out couch

into a magic carpet for two.

Are you sure you're not gay?

I'm literate and urbane.

You're not the first one to be confused.

Right address.

Oh, Charlie, you came to say good-bye.

Unbelievable.

You're going to play this all the way out to the end.

Play what out?

All right. Fine. We'll do it your way.

Rose, you're a terrific woman,

I'm an idiot for not seeing it,

and I really don't want you to leave.

Really?

Yeah. Here, look.

Wow.

See?

Oh, yeah.

(horn honks)

Well, that's my cab.

Good-bye. Wait. Wait. What the hell are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Don't you understand?

You can drop the act.

I give up.

I surrender.

You win, Rose. I'm yours.

Oh, Charlie, that's so sweet.

But I know you, and you're just

having a little panic attack

because you're getting old and nobody loves you.

See? You get me.

I do, which is why I have to leave.

Good-bye, Charlie.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I thought you should have this.

It's our first restraining order.

Look how shaky your signature was.

You were so spooked.

(horn honks)

Oop! Got a plane to catch.

Oh, come on, Rose! Stop it!

(car door closes)

All right, fine. Take your little cab ride.

See you tomorrow.

(car drives away)

Okay.

Maybe not tomorrow.

Aw, damn.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, hi. Where's Alan?

In the bedroom. I have to get up early for work.

Right. Well, see you.

Bye.

Hey, Beverly?

I'm really glad you and Alan got together.

It's... it's nice.

Thank you.

I hope things work out for you and your... stalker.

Her name is Rose.

Like the flower.

Okey-dokey.

See? It's on our restraining order.

Uh-huh. Good night now.

Hey, Alan?

I'm not decent.

Rose is really gone.

What?

I said Rose is gone.

And I feel awful.

Like maybe I made a huge mistake.

Well, we all make mistakes.