Original subtitles

Ah! HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS Whoo!

HORN BLARES No!

SHE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you. Thank you for the clapping.

You know the drill. It's Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davies.

'Some funny folk have completed some tasks and I'm going to judge them on their efforts.

'Jesus Christ, can we just get on with it? LAUGHTER

Your five combating contenders are...

James Acaster! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jessica Knappett! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kerry Godliman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phil Wang! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Rhod Gilbert! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here, standing just shy of five feet tall,

it's my sufficient assistant, ooh, it's...

..little Alex Horne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So... Yes, I've written a poem. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I've passed my driving test. I've seen a foreign film.

CHEERING

'I've used talcum powder. This is your big moment. You know that, don't you?

I'm reading my CV. I've met... LAUGHTER

I've met two jockeys. Now... LAUGHTER

'I'll tell you why this irritates me, cos it looks like we've planned this. We haven't.

'Alex gets these few moments to say whatever he wants, and this is what he's chosen to say. Rhod,please.

'It doesn't look like you planned this. LAUGHTER

I think we need to get on with the show, Alex. OK.

'We're gonna start with a prize task. And today's category is to bring in the most confusingthing.

Mm. You, Lord Davies, will judge whose thing is the most confusing.

'The one with the most confusing thing will max out on points for this section.

'At the end of the episode, the winner will take home loads of things to get all befuddledby.

That's how it works. Yeah. LAUGHTER

'Thanks, little man. Right. Jessica Knappett, what is your confusing thing?

T-shirts. LAUGHTER

Five points. That's a great start. Let's end it there.

Specifics?

I think when you buy a T-shirt, wear a T-shirt,

you should know why you're wearing it and at least what it says.

I understand so far. What have you brought in?

I've brought in a T-shirt that I bought in a small village in Spain.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've been trying to figure out what they meant.

There comes the raven? I don't get it.

Here comes the raven? Here comes the raven. But so what?

LAUGHTER

'IUF can stand for International Union of Food or Immune Uterine Fluid,

which can attract, that can attract ravens.

That's cleared it up. Wow! OK. Move on.

I'll show you how confused I am. LAUGHTER

'James Acaster, what did you bring in that's confusing, and why will it confuse me?

A DVD of The Matrix. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'Everyone who you spoke to about The Matrix has gone, "I can't wrap my head around it, man.

Try and watch The Matrix, man." LAUGHTER

'I... LAUGHTER Who are these people?

My parents. LAUGHTER

'But it's a thing, right? It's like saying, "This isn't reality. There's a different reality.

And you're plugged into the matrix. And you're a machine.

Or are you? You're not a machine. You're imagining stuff."

And people don't know what The Matrix is about.

'Well, I haven't seen The Matrix, but from what you've just said... Yeah?

'..my understanding is the people in the matrix think they're existing in one reality. Yes.

But, in fact, it turns out they're plugged into machines

and they're experiencing an entirely different reality.

'Great. Can you go back to the beginning? I didn't get that. LAUGHTER

'Do you wanna move on to Kerry? Jesus Christ, yes! LAUGHTER

Kerry, what have you brought in that's confused you?

I have brought in the wires round the back of my telly.

LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha! Yes!

APPLAUSE Confusing.

'And what's really sad is I bought that Wii U for my son over a year ago.

'He hasn't been able to play it for six months cos I can't plug it in. LAUGHTER

'I sometimes just don't watch films, like The Matrix, cos I can't be fucked to plug it in.

'I can't cope with that. I'm going to write that quote down. "Can't be fucked to plug it in."

LAUGHTER

'"Godliman sums things up again. Bosh! Can't be fucked!" Bosh! LAUGHTER

'Rhodri, what's the confusing thing you've brought in, and why did it confuse you?

'Well, my story relates to an incident where I went to a T-shirt shop

and they got inexplicably confused at my simple request.

'OK. My simple request was, "Can you put my favourite picture onto a T-shirt?" Yeah?

And then they did this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know if we can see the original pictures. Oh, I wonder.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's confusing how you're getting away with using this picture.

And still they laugh. You prick!

Strap in! There's six more episodes! LAUGHTER

'I'm very confused as to why you're so obsessed with a semi-naked me. Er, Phil?

My confusing thing is a confusing little box.

Do you wanna see a picture? Yes, please. OK. Here's a picture.

It's a confusing little box that you can't open, but you can.

But you can't open it. But you can open it. It's a mysterious box

I bought in Thailand from a mysterious man.

LAUGHTER And I haggled. I haggled.

I haggled for this box. OK. How did the haggling process go?

He said, "300 baht." Yeah? And I said, "150."

'And then he said, "300." And then I said, "200." LAUGHTER

And then he said, "300."

So I paid 300 baht. LAUGHTER

And it's been absolutely worth it. Do you think you can open it?

I can't open that picture. No. You can open that box. Oh!

'Do you wanna give it a go? It's a confusing little box. This is gonna be good old telly, innit?

LAUGHTER

Oh, just open the box, you pussy! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know where that came from. I don't know where that came from.

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I don't know where that came from. I don't know where that came from.

I don't know where that came from. I just got impatient.

LAUGHTER

Are you upset with me? I'm sorry. I got... I thought...

'No, no, no, it's alright. In my head, I thought it was in my head. LAUGHTER

'Oh, my God! I've just taken charge of the box. If I'd been there for 20 minutes or so,

'I could understand you getting irritated, but I still wouldn't expect that sort of language.

LAUGHTER

'You apologise and we'll leave it there. I'm very sorry. That's alright.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There you go. Do you wanna try and open it? There you go.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It is open. It is open.

Are you alright, Phil? You don't even care.

'That's 300 baht I'm never getting back. LAUGHTER

'It's frustrating, isn't it, Greg, when you're asked to complete tasks under pressure

'and there's a lot of people watching? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Do you wanna judge them? I hope that round of applause was worth the three points you've just lost.

LAUGHTER I'm sorry, James.

'And this isn't because you called me a pussy. Or is it? Who knows what reality is any more?

It's just a film. I got it within your description. One point.

One point to James. Yeah. Fair play. LAUGHTER

Kerry, just a bunch of wires. Bosh! Two points.

OK. Two to Kerry. Three. And you're lucky to be getting these.

'Why you are so obsessed with me, you freak? Three points. LAUGHTER

'I'm gonna give Phil four points, because that T-shirt is still wrecking with my head.

Five points to Jess. Well done. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Time for a task to be projected onto the big screen.

'Please, Alex. OK. In that case, I'm gonna flick the switch and off we go.

Hello. Ah!

Where is he?

Oh, no!

Work out what happens when you flick this switch on.

You may not take the switch out of this room.

Your time starts now. SWITCH CLICKS

'There's a live wire there and a neutral wire there, coming over there. There's gaffer tapeto there.

Oh, so I'm allowed to flick it.

APPLAUSE I hated that one.

Pretty straightforward. Let's crack on, Alex. Crack straight on? Yeah.

'OK. We're gonna start with three contestants who didn't enjoy this task. It's two girls, one Wang.

'Ready? LAUGHTER Here we go.

It says "Off." On. Let's have a look, shall we?

I wonder if there's just a light.

SWITCH CLICKS No!

'There's a tap that's been left on. I'd be very impressed if you've managed to...

No.

That fan's going. SWITCH CLICKS

Oh!

This is hard.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS

A-ha! A floodlight. I didn't see you.

Hello, Kerry. Right. Keep an eye on that, then.

Oh, come on!

LAUGHTER Is it these lamps?

Come on!

All the lights are on.

Ah!

Ah! It's still on!

No.

Turning it off.

Now... No!

It's not the sprinkler, cos I turned it off and it's still going.

On it goes again. No.

Off. We want it off. LAUGHTER

Oh!

This is stressing me out, this one!

Yeah! No, it's not them.

Hi, Phil.

That's facing the other way.

He's moved. He was facing the other way, wasn't he?

Oh, my God! That's turned round.

Well, it's off now.

It's him! It's him! Ollie? Yeah.

A-ha! I've got it! Ollie turns around. I'll stop the clock.

Did you enjoy that one? No! No. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That was against the clock, right? Fastest wins.

'Ah! Do you think there was any way you could have been more efficient during that task?

Yeah, you could have gone out with a checklist.

'I mean, the most efficient thing to do would have gone outside and gone, "It's a statue."

LAUGHTER

'Hindsight. Hindsight is a fine thing. A wonderful thing, yeah. A better thing to do

would have gone out with a checklist. Checklist. Yeah.

'What, gone out, said, "That's on. That's on. That's on. That's on." Then go back in...

'It may be that I've started this tone by smashing that little box, but you seem quite cross.

I'll be honest. That was the one I hated the most. This one? Yeah. Why?

'It made me very cross. It wore me out. It stressed me out. It hurt my head.

'LAUGHTER You were the quickest of these three. Feel better now?

Maybe. LAUGHTER

Phil took 10 minutes 50 seconds. Jesus Christ! 10 minutes 50.

Kerry, 9.26. Sorry.

And Jess, 11.49. So it is a similar ballpark, all of them. Good.

'That's the end of part one, friends. If you're stuck for what to spend all of your money on,

'then stay tuned for the next three minutes, then come back to us, please, I need you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you.

You've just walked in on Taskmaster, but don't worry, we're not shy.

Before the break, there was a tricky little task going on.

'You're right. They've been trying to work out what a switch in the lab controls. OK?

'Next we're gonna see a little old man. It's Rhod Gilbert. LAUGHTER

So that... But that goes there.

'What's that? Is that just something, like, is that connected to the task, or is it something...

There's another plug there.

'Well, I'll tell you what, I'll flick that switch off, then nothing will happen when I flick that switch.

'LAUGHTER Nothing happens when you flick that switch. Stop the clock.

'That's my final answer. Nothing happens. No, maybe it's not my final answer.

LAUGHTER Nothing happens. I mean...

Unless it's something that happens somewhere else.

'LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I wish that prick was electrocuted in the studio if I flicked that.

Take that, you fizzy fuck now, aren't you?

Fizzing in that chair.

Fizzing on your concrete power commode. Take that.

I hope those teeth fall out of your head. It shouldn't take much.

Hopefully the answer is you flick the switch

'and Greg gets electrocuted and those rotten pistachios he calls teeth just all just rattle about

and fall out of his head. That's my final answer.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I must've done something to you around 2009,

because the vast majority of your responses

are about my rotten teeth.

'LAUGHTER Which I had fixed some eight years ago.

'He was the quickest. He was the quickest. We stopped the clock at 3 minutes 37.

'Thank you very much. But I'm not sure he got it right. No. Whoa! He didn't get it!

'Yeah, I did. Once I'd clicked the main switch, that switch didn't do anything.

'No. If you'd left it... We all established... Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba!

Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba! LAUGHTER

Now, we're moving on to the last contestant. It's James Acaster.

A really annoying place for the switch to be.

HE LAUGHS Fucking hell!

Fan.

Hello, Alex. Hello, James. It's a good one. Thank you.

OK.

LAUGHTER

A-ha! LAUGHTER

It operates you, the switch does.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pleased with yourself?

I feel very pleased. LAUGHTER

But was that chance? It was chance. He just caught you.

'He checked everything, the whole area in one go, rather... I'll tell you what it was, Kerry.

It was urgency. LAUGHTER

The man appreciated he was against the clock and he moved with speed.

I was legging it! He didn't wander round going, "It's not the tap.

I'll mosey back to the switch." I was not wandering.

'I was running. We were all running! No, Kerry, you were... LAUGHTER

Watch it back! Watch it back! I was running!

'You may have done one run. You were largely sauntering. LAUGHTER

'And then you went all Phil Mitchell again, when asked a perfectly... "Did you enjoy that, Kerry?"

"No, I fucking didn't!" LAUGHTER

'How long did James take, then? Well, Jess took 11 something. Phil, 10 something.

You, 9 something. James, 5.35.

It's pretty quick. Ooh! APPLAUSE

'Let's give some points out, shall we? Well, I guess you're doing it for speed. Of course.

'I mean, we all know James Acaster gets five points for winning the task. Boom!

'It then goes four to Kerry, three to Phil, two to Jessica. But what happens with Rhod?

'Go on, give him a point. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK. One point. One point. OK.

Alex, can we have a look at a score board, please? OK.

There are joint leaders. Phil and Jess have seven points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you have a nice uplifting task for us?

Well, I've got a nice down-lifting task for you. Is that alright?

I guess so. Mm!

Ah! Hello!

Hello. Hello, Jess.

I'm just taking in my surroundings. Ooh!

Hello, James. Ooh, don't touch that.

Well, you can if you want, I suppose.

Dramatically alter your appearance.

Most dramatic alteration wins.

'You may start altering your appearance when you are inside the lift...

And the doors are closed. I don't like lifts.

'You must stop altering your appearance when the doors... open again.

That's a good way of timing it. A fair way.

That's, like... 18 seconds.

HE LAUGHS

You may inspect the contents of the briefcase...

For five minutes before the lift doors open for the first time.

Start the clock!

OK.

Oh!

OK, great. Cotton wool pleat.

I like that. Love it. Love it. Love it. Felt.

Jam. Oh, God.

No. Wig. No. Wig.

So many things. Moustache?

Breasts.

Mustard? I'm no make-up artist.

Oh! I can't imagine it's gonna involve mustard.

How much time do I have? You've got two minutes and 20 seconds. Agh!

I've got a sheer panic on. I can't think what to do.

'Can I take your coat? Your jacket, please, Alex. I'm gonna call the lift in ten seconds.Ah!

Ooh! LIFT BELL DINGS

Good luck, Kerry. I'm really scared!

APPLAUSE

'Words are key in some of these tasks. And I think the key word here is dramatically.

To dramatically alter the appearance. Yes.

'I'll give you an example, shall I? This is Alex's normal face. And now...

..a dramatic face! HE GASPS

LAUGHTER Fucking hell!

LAUGHTER

'Let's see how dramatically our lift chums altered their appearance. OK. They had 18 seconds in the lift.

'We're gonna see each of their attempts individually. Up first, it's Jessie K,

'who has already proven herself quite the quick-change artist in episode one,

which is available on catch-up on UKTV Play.

LAUGHTER Here she is!

Please press G. Yeah. Good luck. Bye.

LIFT WHIRRS

LAUGHTER

LIFT BELL DINGS

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't move cos it'll fall off. What will fall off?

Oh, I like your shirt and tie.

Unrecognisable.

APPLAUSE Yeah. There we go.

Shirt and tie.

Ah, Mr Bond. LAUGHTER

Pretty dramatic, right? Well, I mean, incredible. High drama.

'I actually thought, when the beard fell away, that was when the outfit really kicked in.

'Because you'd gone to the trouble of making a tie. Yeah, out of felt. LAUGHTER

Felt on paper, that was. Felt on paper. Did you make that pre-lift?

'Yeah, pre-lift. Pre-lift? That's part of the prep. Five minutes prep time.

Can I also just say, I have a genuine phobia of lifts.

'Do you think it was that big a deal if you overcame it in five minutes? LAUGHTER

It was 18 seconds.

I knew that it was only gonna be 18 seconds,

'and I knew that they'd get me out because they had to because I'm on telly. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Just like that! Bam! It's the end of part two! Bam! Just like that! Bam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Thanks, thanks, and an extra side portion of thanks. It's Taskmaster part three

'and five comedians are vying for Kerry Godliman's HDMI cable. LAUGHTER

Which task are we in the thick of, little Alex Horne?

We are doing one that's really elevated the series, Greg.

LAUGHTER

Yes. Aww! God. Heartbreaking. LAUGHTER

'I'm so sorry. They're trying to alter their appearance as much as possible

'within the 18 seconds it takes the lift to go from upstairs to downstairs.

They had five minutes to prepare and a case full of props.

We're gonna see what's going down with Phil Wang.

Please press G.

LIFT BELL DINGS

LAUGHTER

Who are you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK.

LAUGHTER Er, pleased?

Yeah. Couldn't look much different.

Also, you'll notice that when I went in, I wasn't holding a jar of jam.

'I mean, that's one of the things I want to discuss more than anything else, really,

is how you think that holding a pot of jam alters your appearance.

Mm. So, I go from... LAUGHTER

I go from appearing not to have any jam, to appearing as I do.

I'm backing you up here, Wang. Thank you.

'He didn't have jam when he went in. He had jam when he came out. LAUGHTER

The bigger problem for me, I thought, was that it was,

'there's one thing about you, across this whole series, that is unmistakably you.

LAUGHTER

'Never any doubt. Whereas if you had just held the jam there... LAUGHTER

..thus completely transforming your identity. Yeah.

'Do you wanna see what Rhod did? Let's hope that what Rhod did isn't more ridiculous

than just holding a jar of jam.

OK. This is what Rhod did. Let's go.

Get in the lift and press G.

Press G? Yes, please. Good luck.

LIFT BELL DINGS

LAUGHTER

'Does it hurt? Oh, the mustard in my eyes is agony. LAUGHTER

'I'm really thinking now I should've used mayonnaise. LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'That's how dramatically I altered my appearance. I went to the ladies' toilets immediately after that.

'I knew your clothes were coming off, so that was no surprise to me. But there was absolutely no need

to rub mustard into your face. LAUGHTER

'Also, that was a wig. He chose a wig which looked exactly like his hair. But it was a wig.

LAUGHTER

'I didn't even know you were wearing a wig. LAUGHTER

I thought you took your clothes off and smeared mustard over your face.

That is the sign of a good wig. LAUGHTER

Who's next? What will Kerry Godliman do?

'Let's see Kerry Godliman's attempt to find out the answer to the question

about what Kerry Godliman will do. Here we go.

What do I press? G.

You did say that. Sorry.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

'Ten. LIFT BELL DINGS No! I'm not ready!

That wasn't 20 seconds. Would you mind stepping out of the lift?

That wasn't 20 seconds. LAUGHTER

There was so much more that was gonna happen.

'It's a good look. No, because I was gonna do the knees on the shoes and I was gonna wear theshades.

LAUGHTER Thank you, Kerry. OK.

APPLAUSE

'I was so excited about that one. Yeah. So, who was your final character going to be?

I was just meant to be dramatically... Are you trying to...

I know where he's going. Where are we going with this?

'I'm just wondering what you thought your final character, who you thought your final character...

'The task wasn't to become a character. The task was just to dramatically change. No, I know!

'What is your problem with this? I haven't got a problem. I'm just asking...

'Imagine if you were a foot shorter, how dramatically different... You'd be nothing.

LAUGHTER

'Also, I did look dramatically different, more so than these two. Yeah. Yeah.

'So as long as we're not the same. No, you did not... I was just backing you up!

'No. Have you learned nothing? All you did was shove a bloody Brillo pad on your tits.

LAUGHTER

'That's not what I did. That's not what I did. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'I was sticking up for you. You need to learn not to help people cos we always stab you in the back.

You do, all of you! LAUGHTER

'I would like to point out that when Rhod accused you of putting a Brillo pad on your tits,

James Acaster went like this. LAUGHTER

'That was mainly cos of the word "tits." LAUGHTER

OK. The last person is James Acaster. Here we go.

ALARM RINGS

LAUGHTER

Oh, no! No!

No! No! No! LIFT BELL DINGS

No! No! No!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Please step out of the lift.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I'm last. I'm last in this one. Do you think?

APPLAUSE

This is what happens if you believe what happens in films.

'Cos you pressed the emergency button and you just thought it would stop.

Yeah. You can take your time. Probably could override it.

'Yeah, yeah. Press that, the whole thing would stop. An alarm went off and you continued to travel.

LAUGHTER Points.

One point, James Acaster.

OK. The second least dramatically-disguised.

'It doesn't matter how many pots of jam someone is holding... LAUGHTER

'This again! ..I will still be able to identify them, particularly if they've labelled themselves.

Two points for Phil Wang. As not them! And thank me for those.

Purely cos she doesn't know the concept of time,

'it's old furry norks, Kerry. LAUGHTER Three points. OK.

So it's between Jess and Rhod.

'Now, when Jess first stepped out of the lift, I hadn't got a clue who it was.

'SHE GASPS And unfortunately, her beard fell away

and I knew it was definitely Jessica Knappett.

'Are you joking? I'm gonna lose to mustard face? LAUGHTER

And so, against all odds, with five points, the winner of this

'is old mustard face, Mr Rhod Gilbert. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Four to Jess. Five to Rod.

You! Yes? What's next? Well, thank you.

This one has been weighing very heavily on my mind. Here it is.

Make these scales read 31.770kg.

Kilograms. LAUGHTER

The scales must read 31.77kg... For at least five seconds.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now. MACHINE BEEPS

OK. I've broken it.

'What's that? It means you're too heavy. I can't be too heavy. It's only my foot.

'MACHINE BEEPS You're too heavy for the scales. Shut up!

Seriously? Yes.

'Are you winding me up? How bloody rude! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They had to make the scales weigh exactly 31.770kg.

'Yeah. They all tried to do it initially by putting their body on it and...

'And? It's a butcher's scale, it's very sensitive. You'd have to lop a body part off.

'LAUGHTER OK. First up to the scales, it's Phil Wang.

What?

How much is 37?

WATER SLOSHES

LAUGHTER

HE GROANS

MACHINE BEEPS Oh, shit!

Hot damn! We're in business. OK.

CHEERING Congratulations.

I've stopped the clock. Great. Can I get a selfie?

CAMERA CLICKS

APPLAUSE

'That is the most delightfully nerdy response to a task we've ever had. LAUGHTER

'Selfie. It looked like an audition for The Big Bang Theory. LAUGHTER

'He nailed it. I mean, the bucket, it was only 345g over when he first put it on,

'which is about the weight of a hamster in or on a baseball. LAUGHTER

What I would say was it wasn't as quick as we made it look.

It took him six minutes to fill and then drag the bucket.

'But the benchmark is 8 minutes 28 seconds. That's what he achieved. OK?

'I forgot there was a time element. Right. Just one part to go, with the studio task to be completed

and confusing things to be won. See you right back here soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome to the final part of this Taskmaster instalment.

Yes. And I'm called Alex.

Before the break, they were trying to make an industrial set of scales

display 31.770kg exactly.

'Do you wanna see the two parents have a go? Yes, I do. OK, here are Kerry and Jess.

'I haven't really thought this through. Oh, sorry! LAUGHTER

Right.

Oh, it's gonna take ages. LAUGHTER

'LAUGHTER One? Am I allowed to go out and come back in?

Or do I have to do it all here? All the information's on the task, Jess.

'SHE SIGHS Can I have everybody's shoes, please?

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna need 31 pairs of shoes at this rate.

'Why did I do that? There are no windows open in here. It absolutely stinks.

'SHE SIGHS I could get some heavy stuff. I could get some heavy stuff.

That's the key, isn't it? Heavy stuff? But not as heavy as me.

I don't understand what to do.

Why have you only used shoes? LAUGHTER

Does it say you have to stay in this room?

Oh, you made out like I did!

I said all the information's on the task.

SHE SIGHS You're kidding me!

This isn't practical. I should've just gone with bricks.

Oh! LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! It absolutely stinks in here.

Right, now we're really close, aren't we?

How much does water weigh? LAUGHTER

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no! It's alright.

One. Two. Three. Four.

I've stopped the clock. It took a while, didn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

What? Oh, it's gotta be five seconds. One.

Two. Three.

Four. Five. I've stopped the clock. APPLAUSE

'It's often that quotes get thrown up that I think may or may not haunt contestants.

'I mean, I thought, "I could use heavy stuff, but not as heavy as me," was mildly embarrassing,

'but it was hugely eclipsed by, "How much does water weigh?" How much does water weigh?

LAUGHTER

'She ended up with a time of 1 second and 16 minutes. What? LAUGHTER

'Not awful. Your approach looked a bit like the back of your telly to me.

Just absolute carnage. LAUGHTER

Kerry, as well. We know that Phil got 8 minutes 28.

Kerry, 8 minutes and 13 seconds. Oh! Oh! Not so shit, then.

LAUGHTER I always knew it was alright.

Thanks. Yeah. Rhod and James are next up.

There's gotta be an easier way of this, I reckon.

Will that do? 31.6? No, that won't do.

It needs to be 31.770. Jesus!

You must be a butcher's nightmare. LAUGHTER

Why that number?

Huh?

Do you not like that number?

Well, it's just a very specific number, isn't it? Yes, it is.

LAUGHTER

0.065g.

HE SPITS

It's not gone up at all. HE SNORTS

Oh, no! LAUGHTER

HE SPITS

HE GASPS

Oh! Easy. APPLAUSE

Thank you, James. Thank you. APPLAUSE

More balloons than spit, eh? LAUGHTER

'The problem was, you slightly misread the scales. You thought you needed 0.065 more grams,

but you needed 65g... What? ..worth of spit.

When you started spitting, you actually needed 65g.

That's a tennis ball. That's a tennis ball-worth of spit.

I did it. Eventually. LAUGHTER

Rhod, 7 minutes 7. James, 5 minutes and 44 seconds.

Wins the task. Yep. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just to run it down, it goes James with five points, Rhod with four,

Kerry with three, Phil with two, and Jess, who took ages, one point. OK?

Bad luck. Bad luck. APPLAUSE

'James, your enquiring mind kept demanding what's the significance of the weight,

and I know Alex is keen to tell everyone, aren't you?

'Have you worked out the significance of the weight? Ollie. It says Ollie upside down.Oh!

Ollie!

APPLAUSE

'Score board? Yes, I'll give you a score board. Well, the series scores are...

'not as close as we would have hoped, but we've got James in last place with 57.

Then Phil with 58. We move into the 60s. 63 to Rhod. 64 to Jess.

Bosh! She's still there with 72. Kerry's in the lead so far.

Oh, man! Yeah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

However, what I can tell you is that this episode is tight.

'There are just two points separating all five of them. Rhod's in the lead. Phil's on 11.

'And there are three people in joint second. So it really is all to play for.

'APPLAUSE In that case, it's time for you all to vacate your chairs

and make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Who's going to read the task out? James Acaster is gonna read the task out.

Oh! They've got handcuffs on. LAUGHTER

Oh, no! Oh, no. Do you want me to hold it for you? Yes, please.

Alex. Alex. Thank you. LAUGHTER

Correctly don the most items of clothing.

You have 100 seconds. Most new items of clothing correctly donned wins.

OK. Blow your whistle, let's get donning.

'100 seconds, starting now. WHISTLE BLOWS Good luck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round the back.

Sunglasses on.

How are you gonna get that on?

That won't go. That will not go.

Oh, yes, it will. No, it won't.

It's on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good. You've got one minute left. One minute left.

One item to go here. One item to go.

Really nice!

Really nice!

35 seconds! I'll put my hat on you, you put your hat on me. Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Ohh! Oh, that's gone. That's gone.

Have you finished, Phil? Have you finished? Not yet.

It's the final 20 seconds. Come on!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Five, four, three, two,

one. WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down here. Let's see how that affects the final scores. Alright.

We've looked at the footage. Yes.

We have only counted up the items that were donned correctly. OK. OK.

Phil is last. He gets one point. OK. Jess, Kerry and Rod

all donned four items correctly. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

They all get four points. Whoa!

'James Acaster donned five items correctly. He gets five points and wins the task.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'That is going to make a pretty dramatic difference to the score board.

I enjoyed that. Thank you. LAUGHTER

It does. It means the final score board looks like this.

It's a tie-break! Oh! Oh, wow! AUDIENCE GASP

No! LAUGHTER

How are we gonna find our winner? LAUGHTER

Well, there's a lovely little extra task, of course, Greg.

'All they had to do in this one was make the best loo-roll-paper aeroplane.

'They had five minutes and one attempt. Furthest flight wins. Here we go.

'I can't make a paper aeroplane using normal paper. I can't hear you.

LAUGHTER

Are you ready? Yep.

APPLAUSE There we go.

'Well, I would say that it's certainly not guaranteed after that effort.

LAUGHTER Next up, Rhod Gilbert.

Make a paper aeroplane using only toilet paper.

ENGINE WHIRRS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh. Oh, dear. So James achieved a flight of 3.9m. Not bad.

But Rhod achieved a flight of 22.7m. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you go. Very good.

'Well done to tonight's champion, Rhod Gilbert! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Please meander to the stage and collect your confusing items! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that everything could be a construct.

Maybe none of this is real. Is it a television show? Is it reality?

Whoa! Yep! It's real! It's real!

'And in case you've already forgotten, Rhod is tonight's worthy winner.

Let's award him with applause

and then ignore each other until next time.

Have a lovely night. Night-night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media