Original subtitles

- Morning already?

- Since man has first ventured across the water

there have been documented reports of strange sea creatures.

Giant squids, serpents and octopi

large enough to pull down a whole sailing vessel.

What mysteries lie beneath the surface?

What could be in the unexplored depths?

Could there be creatures like us?

Creatures similar to man?

Would they be friendly or would they possess

all rage and hate since the dawn of time?

- The monsters and strange creatures

living beneath the surface of various bodies of water

is an old story.

The most famous, of course,

is the Loch Ness monster which uh,

has been sighted and reported for, literally, centuries.

- Monsters, here I come.

- My interest is in a creature

that is entirely different.

One that I call the improbus erectus,

humanoid type of water creature.

- Already?

- On a beach on the Atlantic coast.

There have been a number of sightings

and the number has skyrocketed in the past two-

I have here a um,

a representation of what the skull

of one of these creatures might look like.

As you can see it has a characteristically

humanoid cranium,

but the anterior orbit and the jaw are both...

- Rupert, we're on vacation.

You oughtta be thinking about titties or weed

or some shit.

- These mysterious disappearances at cat island cove

are gonna put me on the journalistic map.

By the way, thanks for inviting me, Rodney.

- Oh, no problem, no problem.

Tonya, how much further till we reach splatter beach?

- Mmm.

We're getting close.

Hey, why is it called splatter beach?

- That's what the locals call it.

- People are disappearing at a rate of six per month.

That's pretty strange if you ask me.

- Oh, that place is tight, son!

Secluded on the bay side and the beach

is just a short walk from the cabin, yeah.

- I can't wait to hear the riptides play live

tonight on the beach.

They're the best.

Great, they're playing now!

- Oh, the riptides, huh?

Turn it up, Tonya.

Man, that radio is wack!

- I'll fix it.

- So Tonya, what do you think of the ominous sounding

splatter beach?

- Doesn't scare me.

But when I was a kid there was a place down the road

the kids called splatter farm.

Kind of creeped me out.

- Plenty of time for you to run into my arms for safety.

- More like your bed.

- You got it, baby.

- Yeah, great.

How are you gonna explain to your folks

why all the sheets are stuck together?

- That's a'ight.

Tonya don't spit.

- You're gross!

- Nah, it's all right.

Pops is cool about it.

When he was young he used to come up here

and fish and fuck all the time.

Not always in that order, either.

- Now I know where you get it from.

So how's your story coming?

- Probably like him.

It ain't.

- I'll have you know all the groundwork is set.

All I've gotta do is interview some locals.

I'm sure it'll lead to the truth.

- You still don't believe sea monsters are the culprit,

do you?

- It's one of my theories

based on some eyewitness accounts and local legends.

- Sea monster?

Man, you do need to get laid.

That's all bullshit made up by drunks and meth heads.

The creature from the black lagoon ain't real.

- Who's to say there isn't some sort of

man/fish hybrid down there?

Some sort of genetic mutation?

A humanoid from the deep, if you will.

- Y'all can look for jaws all you want.

I'm gonna rock on the beach all day

and rock on my girl all night.

- Promises, promises.

- Johnson?

Johnson, don't ignore me.

I know you're in this house somewhere.

- Yes, dear. - Don't yes dear me.

Where are you? - In the basement, dear.

- The basement?

What on earth are you doing down in the basement?

- Cleaning my rod, dear.

- What's that supposed to mean?

You're not going fishing again are you?

- Yes, dear.

- You just went fishing yesterday.

When are you going to spend a little less time fishing

and a little more with me?

- When hell freezes over.

- When you get back you're taking me out to dinner,

and someplace nice this time.

- Okay.

I love you, bunny poo poo. - Don't you poo poo me.

- Bitch. - Johnson?

All right, I'm coming down there

and I don't appreciate you making me go up and down

the stairs all day.

You know I have a bad back.

Johnson, are you listening to me?

Johnson.

Johnson!

- All that dude's gonna catch is a cold.

- Why do you say that?

- Because the fishing's been terrible here for like,

the last two years.

- Did you say two years?

That would coincide with all the disappearances.

- Dude, geeks could kick your ass.

- Hey, Duke.

How are the fish biting today?

- How the hell should I know?

I'm concentrating on my workout.

- Oh, okay.

- Hey, Johnson.

My arms look any bigger?

I swear they've grown an inch.

- Nah, sorry, Duke, I don't see it.

- Damn powershakes.

I knew they weren't worth a shit.

- Come on, baby.

I'm gonna catch a big one today.

- Nice!

Your dad has good taste. - Hell, yeah.

Path to the beach is right through there.

- Oh.

So let's check the inside first.

- Wait till you see the bedroom.

It'll knock your pants off.

- Really?

- Oh, boy.

- I was talking to Tonya, fruity pebble.

Yeah.

Man, my dad won this in a poker game

from porky Clark.

That game lasted three days.

- Sounds like a lucky guy.

- Oh, man, luck ain't got nothing to do with it.

- Well, I know another guy who's going to be lucky

if he quits talking and follows me.

Rodney, I'll see you in the bedroom.

- Yeah.

Man, I knew this place would juice her up.

- Man, whatever happened to bros before hos?

- Bro, that ho blows.

Go.

- That's fine, that's fine.

You know, get your freak on

or whatever the hell you call it.

I'll see you later.

I'll just rape a horseshoe crab or something,

it'll be fine, don't even worry about it.

- Sure thing, yeah.

- Well.

Came here for a story, might as well get crackin'.

- Get you all.

I know you're out there.

And I'm gonna get you.

- Hey.

- How are you? - Good, how are you?

Get over here.

- Tonya!

Oh, baby.

- Hedras blokus.

I'll be damned.

Oh, yeah, those are some footprints, baby.

They don't look human, either, this is great stuff.

Time life, here I come.

♪ Me and my surfing cadaver

♪ my surfing cadaver

- Ah, excuse me, sir.

- What'd you do, kid, fart?

- No, actually, my name's Rupert pine,

I'm a journalism major in college

and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions

about the mysterious disappearances going on here.

- What are you, a writer for muscle magazine?

- No, I already told you,

I'm a journalist major in college.

I actually tried to study for marine biology,

but that didn't quite work out.

- Good thing.

You don't look like the service type.

Hey.

Did you ever see that movie, "Hercules unchained"?

- No, can't say I have.

- Best fucking movie ever made.

- I'll take your word for it.

- How about uh,

"Hercules and the haunted world"?

"The sons of Hercules versus the hydra thieves"?

- No.

- What do you do, kid, read books?

- Well, yeah, actually I do.

- Figures.

You know, I used to lift with Gordon Mitchell

and Steve Reeves at muscle beach.

- You're not even old enough to have lifted

when those guys were around.

- Maybe it was Gordon parks.

Anyway, few years back I could have been Mr. Universe

if I hadn't blown out one of my bicuspids.

- A bicuspid is a tooth, you mean bicep.

- Yeah, that's what I said.

- Look, I was wondering if you uh,

have maybe seen anything strange around here lately.

- I did see two guys giving it to each other up the butt

over on that dune there last week

if that's what you mean.

- Have you seen any sea monsters lately?

- Well, one time I thought I saw a mermaid,

but I think I had too many steroids that day.

That's it.

Now get out of my way, kid,

you're blocking the sun.

- Whatever, muscle head.

- By the way, the name's Duke Larsen, squid.

What do they think I am?

Some moron that works out on the beach all day?

- Oh, baby.

- Holy hell.

- I know, baby.

That was off the hizzy.

- Something was staring at me.

- It's probably just Rupert out there

beating off to some Jacques Cousteau magazine

or some shit.

- It wasn't him.

- Whatever it was, dude oughtta be taking notes on me.

You must be high from the orgasm.

There ain't nothing out there.

- You didn't tell me this place was full of perverts.

- Let's go see the riptides.

- Okay.

♪ It's so fine, my 486

♪ chicks just love my 486

♪ computation's lightening quick

♪ all backed up on a floppy disc

♪ my high school poems

♪ will never fade away

♪ 'cause my 40-Meg hard drive

♪ is really great

- Hey, excuse me guys, sorry to bug you.

Do you have any idea about a sea monster around here?

How about you guys?

Have there been like, sea monster sightings here,

you know anything about that?

- Yeah, and I'm having his baby.

- No, I'm serious.

Man.

Rowdy crowd.

♪ This game of pong is better than the arcade ♪

♪ if I don't leave my room I never get laid ♪

- Quiet!

Everyone please be quiet.

Everyone, shut up!

Listen to me.

There's creatures out there

killing people.

And they'll kill you, too.

I'm not fucking joking around here, people!

I'm serious!

They're out there.

They're watching us right now.

Go home.

Go home before they kill you, too.

♪ It's so fine my 486

♪ chicks just love my 486

- Freaky bitch.

♪ All backed up on a floppy disc

- Man, look at all this pooty tang.

- Hey, remember, you're here with me.

- Yeah, sure.

Sure.

♪ My 40-Meg hard drive is really great ♪

- I'm here with the brain.

- That's why you're the only ones I trust.

Come on, give it to me, baby!

♪ Its processor is as big as my head ♪

- Hey, Rodney.

I found a lead, man.

I'm gonna catch up with you guys later, all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

♪ This game of pong is better than the arcade ♪

♪ if I don't leave my room I never get laid ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah

- Hey, wait, hold on a second!

- Leave me alone.

- Look, I just wanna talk to you for a second.

- I said get lost, creep!

- Look.

All I wanted to tell ya was I believe you.

- You believe me?

I am so sorry about that.

- Tell that to my eyes and nuts.

- My name's Tess Gardner.

I live around here.

Guess I'm considered the local crazy now.

- My name's Rupert pine, I'm a journalist major

in college.

- So how come you believe my story?

- To tell you the truth I'm studying

your population decline problem.

I think something out there is doing it.

I think something out there is coming up from the depths

and killing people.

- Well then you'd be right.

My boyfriend I were staying in that cabin

that you guys are staying in.

One night after we got it on

we slipped outside to smoke a joint

and I kept hearing this weird noise,

but my boyfriend kept insisting

that I had water ear because we went skinny dipping

right before we had sex. - Just get to the point.

- So then these creatures attacked us

and I ran away, but they ripped him apart

and dragged him back into the ocean.

- What did they look like?

- Green.

Scaly.

Humanoid-like.

I can't believe you even believe me.

Basically more terrifying than your worst nightmare.

- We need to get some photographic evidence

of these creatures.

Maybe somebody can believe us and help us out.

- Us?

You mean you're gonna help me?

- You know what they say, two heads are better than one.

- Okay.

♪ Grab your surf board, guys

♪ we'll meet the girls on the sand ♪

♪ times a-wastin', don't miss out on the plans ♪

♪ Fast as we can

♪ and soon the girls

- We're here less than one day you're fooling around on me!

- I was just conversating with them hos,

it didn't mean nothing!

- Yeah, right!

That's what you probably tell all your girlfriends.

- What do you mean all my girlfriends?

- Ginger was right.

She told me you'd dump me after I got what I wanted.

- You know ginger?

- Yes, remember her?

She was your last conquest, wasn't she?

- That was like three, four girls ago.

- Three?

You are a pig!

- Where are you going?

- Away from you!

- Man, aren't you gonna go after her?

- Man, screw her!

There's plenty more where that came from.

- She's your girlfriend.

- She ain't even worth it, B.

- Finally some peace and quiet.

- Tell that asshole that I'll be down at the beach

when he wants to apologize.

- Yeah, and tell her that day'll come

when it comes!

- I should have listened to my sister and dated girls.

All men are scum.

About time you got your ass out here to apologize.

Ugh, couldn't you wait till we made up?

- Still no sign of Tonya, huh?

It's getting kinda late.

Shouldn't she be back by now?

Well?

What are you gonna do?

- Come to momma.

- The general says...

- Welcome back, boils and ghouls.

It's your old fiend, specterini.

Hey, did you see the eyes on that monster?

That reminds me, I'd better sign up

for the company ping pong tournament.

And now for something really scary.

- Want to get your day off to an exciting start?

Then try new sugar frosted sugar.

And every box has a special surprise prize!

- Hey, she got teeth.

- $120 is great, but this is healthy way

to start your day.

Today, every day, start today.

- I highly recommend this cereal

for a healthy great start to your day.

- Well, that was a lot of fun.

I gotta get me some of that.

Did you see the girl in this movie?

I gotta get some of that, too.

And now back to our fright filled feature.

- What the hell are you doing?

- Me?

What the hell were you doing?

- Walking home.

Anything wrong with that?

- The hell, you been lifting weights on the beach all day?

- Well, yeah.

- I thought you were one of those monsters.

- Yeah, sea monsters.

- Look, have you seen my buddy's girlfriend at all?

- No, why?

She run off with a real man?

- We don't know where she is,

we haven't seen her all day.

Have you seen anything tonight that might be a little weird?

- Just you.

- You're beautiful.

- So I got the girl.

And guess who got the gold.

- Tonya!

Tonya!

Tonya, where are you?

Tonya!

Tonya!

Tonya, where are you?

- Well, this can't be good.

- Tonya!

Hey, Tonya!

God.

- Still no sign of her?

- No, man, I'm starting to really get worried now.

I mean, we fought before,

but nothing like this ever happened.

You don't think she got a ride back home

or something, do ya?

- I doubt it.

- Where the hell is she, then?

- I don't know, you think, maybe she hooked up

with somebody?

- No, man, Tonya ain't like that.

All right, maybe she is like that,

but still, she wouldn't let us worry like this.

Look.

You don't think that the creature

from the haunted sea or whatever got to her,

do ya?

I mean, I always thought you were crazy,

I'll be up front with ya,

but now I'm starting to believe all that shit

you've been spouting.

- Gee, thanks.

- Look, you gotta help me, all right?

I was the last guy seen with her,

we got in a huge fight-

- we're gonna find her, okay?

Don't even worry about it.

- What the hell we gonna do then?

And no cops, no cops.

- All right, look, I tell you what.

You're gonna go down that way one mile,

I'm gonna go that way one mile, all right?

We're gonna meet back here in one hour, okay?

If she's not here and we still haven't found her

we'll come up with a plan B then, all right?

- All right, Rupert. - Okay.

- Peace out, one love, bro.

Hey, wait, Rupert. - Yeah.

- Listen.

Don't know how to put this.

If you do see her, if you find her, right,

let's say the thing got to her,

try to save a piece of the body part, like,

with the teeth, the bite marks on it

so the cops can identify, you know what I mean?

'Cause I ain't going to jail.

Forget that, I ain't going to jail.

- Yeah, I'll be sure to that that for you.

- All right, good.

Hey, anybody seen Tonya?

Anybody seen Tonya, my girlfriend?

White glasses, brown hair, great, great ass.

Oh, man.

- Sorry, kid, it's not your color.

I had you pegged for a heterosexual

the first time I saw you.

Got the panties to match?

- Look, I'm looking for the owner of this suit,

all right?

- What's his name?

- Her name is Tonya.

- Thought you kind didn't like girls.

- Look, she's just a friend, that's all.

- That makes sense.

- Look, that's not what I meant.

Have you seen a good looking girl

running around here, maybe a little pissed off?

- If I had she'd be on my shoulders

while I was pumping iron.

- You really need a life, man.

- Hey, maybe your sea monster got her,

you fruity tooty.

- Looks like some sort of egg sack.

Ah!

- Man, this is some fucked up shit.

And pointless, too.

Time to get high.

Euphoria.

That cloud looks like a big ol' pair of titties.

What the fuck?

Hey, a chameleon!

- Look out... hey, watch it, kid,

I'm working out here.

- There's an egg sack there-

- what's the matter, a cock got your tongue?

- There was, there was a creature,

those creatures attacked me, I'm serious!

- Yeah, right.

What did he do, try to French kiss you, too?

- You need to leave here right now.

Those things will be coming any minute.

- Look, I've worked out on this beach all the time.

Nothing's gonna stop me.

Even some creature from the 20,000th fathom.

- Fine, it's your funeral, asshole.

- Sea monsters.

What a bunch of porpoise piss!

Man, I got the strangest feeling

something's watching me.

Nope, just that chili I had for breakfast.

- Rodney!

Rodney, I saw one of the creatures!

Rodney, answer me!

- He's dead.

- What did you say?

- He's dead.

So is the girl.

Creatures got 'em.

I'm really sorry.

- Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

- Look, there's something else I need to show you.

- What's that?

- Look. - Oh, wow.

- The nest.

They're reproducing now.

- I saw one of these things on the shoreline,

I went down to pick it up

and one of those things tried to kill me.

- We have to destroy it.

This is for my boyfriend.

- This is for Rodney and Tonya.

These things probably belong to some sort

of amphibian creature.

They probably keep all their eggs in one nest.

- So then there's probably no more nests.

- Yeah, I would say that's probably a safe bet.

- Oh, shit, I think we pissed 'em off.

- Let's get out of here.

Hey, wait. - What?

- The party, we gotta help those people.

- Oh, shit, you're right.

Oh, man, they're nothing but a beach buffet

to those monsters.

Come on, let's go.

Do something!

- What, what do I do? - Anything!

- You should have kicked it in the nuts.

- I don't think it had any.

Everybody, get out of here!

Go home!

- They're on their way,

there's probably about seven or eight of them.

- Shit, I don't think they can hear us.

Morons, morons, they're all gonna be killed.

- Well, at least we tried, right?

- Now what do we do?

- We're gonna go back to the cabin,

we're gonna call the police,

we're gonna call somebody who will listen to us.

- No, I tried that already.

They're not gonna believe us.

- We're gonna make 'em believe us.

- Holy final Hercules!

♪ Here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ you crazy kids oughta get away

♪ looking for sun and fun

♪ the ocean is dripping with Rodney, Tess, and Tonya ♪

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ suddenly things turn creepy

♪ the party got crashed by a gang of monsters ♪

♪ gang of monsters

♪ and the girls run around in their underpants ♪

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ whoooo

- I think I ruptured my pancreas

- I think I got my period.

Oh, god!

- Oh, yeah!

- What are you doing, how's you do that?

- French foreign legion.

- Can we discuss this inside, please!

- Call the cops, quick!

- It's dead.

- How about a cell phone?

- I don't have one.

- I didn't think you'd have any friends to call.

- Got one.

Shit!

I never paid up my minutes.

- Great.

Hey, dude.

Maybe you could force feed 'em a powershake

and put 'em in a sleeper hold.

- Maybe you could make 'em a bowl of cereal

you froot loop.

- I told you I'm not gay.

- You're gay?

- No!

- Shit. - It's dead.

Great.

Why don't you go outside and see if you can bench press 'em?

- How about if I bench press you,

you pop tart?

- Look, man... sh!

Think I hear something.

Oh, god.

We need to get some weapons.

- Just what the doctor ordered.

- Yes.

This could stop a t-Rex.

Sweet!

- Yeah, that's great.

What about me?

- Here.

That'll work in a close encounter.

- No, I want the gun.

- No way, finders keepers!

- Let's go, come on.

- Help me, help me!

- Pry it loose!

- Thanks, baby.

- My name is Tess, meathead.

- Sure, baby.

Ugly suckers.

They any relation to you, kid?

- Hey, up yours, Duke.

- You'd like that, kid.

- How many more do you think are out there?

- Lots.

- Coast looks clear out there now.

- There's probably tons of them hiding in the shadows

waiting for us.

- Well, if we stay in here we're gonna be fish food.

- He's right.

- Damn straight I'm right, honey.

- My name is Tess.

- Sure thing, honey.

Who owns the car out there?

- It's Rodney's.

Was.

- Somebody got the keys?

- Gotta be around here somewhere.

Okay, I found them!

- Ah, yes. - Hand 'em over.

- Asshole, you're supposed to catch 'em!

- Yeah, I got something in my eye.

- Okay, um, can we hotwire the car?

- I don't even know how to drive a car.

- What?

- Then why did you want the keys?

- 'Cause I'm cool.

- All right, that's it.

You punks are on your own, I'm outta here.

- That's beautiful.

- What are we gonna do now?

My god, we gotta go help her.

- Help, help!

- No, I thought we'd dance.

- You probably would, ya fruit cup.

- No!

- Let's go kick some slimy ass.

- I didn't think you had it in ya, kid.

- The name's Rupert.

- Whatever, kid.

Die, you ugly suckers!

Yeah!

- It's over.

They're all dead.

- Yeah.

You got me to thank for that.

- You?

What do you think I did?

- Screamed like a girl and wet your pants.

Look, your skirt's ripped, kid.

- The name's Rupert.

- Yeah, well I wouldn't say that too loud.

- Tess.

- We thought you gave up the ghost.

- Yeah. - What the hell happened?

- I don't even remember.

Those creatures grabbed me and I just blacked out.

- Well, you're safe now, they're all dead.

- No thanks to me.

- Hey, where ya going?

- I'm going back to the gym.

It's safer there.

- Good riddance.

Jerk off.

- Yeah, seriously.

- You know, this place is gonna smell like a fish market

by the time noon hits.

- Ugh.

Yeah, yeah, we should call the police.

Now everybody will know I'm not crazy.

- Think you're crazy enough to maybe

go out on a date sometime?

- Oh, sorry.

After my last boyfriend I decided I'm turning lesbo.

- Fair enough.

- But I'll see ya around.

- Yeah, take care.

Still, it's gonna make one hell of a story.

♪ Here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ you crazy kids oughta get away

♪ looking for sun and fun

♪ the ocean is dripping with Rodney, Tess, and Tonya ♪

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ here at splatter beach

♪ suddenly things turn creepy

♪ the party got crashed by a gang of monsters ♪

♪ gang of monsters

♪ and the girls run around in their underpants ♪

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ down at splatter beach

♪ whooo