Original subtitles

('STRANDED' BY THE SAINTS)

♪ Like a snake calling on the phone

♪ I've got no time to be alone

♪ There's someone coming at me all the time

♪ Yeah, babe, I think I'll lose my mind

♪ 'Cause I'm stranded on my own

♪ Stranded far from home

♪ Alright

♪ Stranded. ♪

Look, I know.

But what are you going to do about it?

I mean, really.

I love you, son, but you have to do something about that hair.

Hmm?

Oh, um, pop some sourdough in the toaster for me.

That's right. They can't move.

(SIGHS)

(HUMS)

(SINGS) ♪ Steve's got two children

♪ Lovely, lovely childrens... ♪

(HUMS)

Yeah.

Adrian... No.

From here on in, I would like to be referred to by my birth name.

Um, Apollo...

Yes, Mum?

It's OK. I'll only call you Mum when no-one else is around.

I promise. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Yesterday you made a pass at me.

I know. It's creepy, isn't it?

But I like it... Mum.

Mummy.

What are you doing in my room? Nothing.

Let's go out. Shall we go and see a movie?

Yeah, alright. OK. You check the sessions.

What movie? Oh, any... anything you want.

Verity, um... get ready. We're going to go to the movies.

VERITY: OK, Mum.

Henry, your son is lying on Elvis's bed.

Yeah. It's the most comfortable bed in the house.

It's no different to any of the other mattresses.

It's standard chiropractic-approved.

No, that one gets the northern sun till noon.

You have to talk to him.

Well, er... he's not very forthcoming.

He can't stay here.

Suzy, he might be a first-rate tosser, but he is still my son.

Henry, either he goes or I do.

Now, I'm going to take the kids out.

Suzy...

Um... (SIGHS)

Look, you're a... proper parent.

(WHISPERS) Any sage advice?

Feelings.

Talk about those.

Matey, look... (SIGHS) ..you can't stay here.

You've got your answers.

Time to move on.

Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Listen, I've seen this big, yellow taxicab

that turns up to take people away.

People who are... ready. I think that's you.

Well, I don't want to cramp your style.

Get in the way. No.

Be a burden.

Good boy. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Good boy.

Right, well, I'll... I'll show you down, then.

Shall I? Yeah.

Listen, you walked through a wall yet?

No. Bit of a headfreak at first.

But, er... (GRUNTS) ..kind of a rush.

(CHUCKLES) I'll be alright.

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(WHOOSH!)

Well...

Have you seen him this morning?

No. What?

I'm not going.

No. Not going. You go.

You can't even pretend she's your mother, looking like that.

I'm not going shopping, Juan.

I was just trying it out.

Oh, lovely!

Well, it appears he's left.

Oh.

Says he wants to move on.

We said our farewells.

Wow.

So, um... thanks.

Oh, well, I'm glad I could help.

Oh!

Rita, you duffer! (SNIFFS)

I'll have a cup of tea, love.

Rocky?

(BLOWS)

I miss you, my darling.

Yeah.

I miss you too, you old prune.

Oh, my! Your tea.

Your tea.

Oh! (CUP SHATTERS)

Don't be angry.

Rocco?

My darling?

ZAC: Your eyes.

JONQUIL: Your eyes.

I could live here.

These eyes are my kingdom.

I'm not even hungry.

What's the world record for staring into someone else's eyes?

We'd break it.

We own that record.

It's ours.

The world is ours.

Oh, my God.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

ADAM: Could you come down to Rita’s place?

I'm just about to go out. Yeah, well, we have a bit of a situation.

Oh, OK. I'll come now.

(GROWLS SOFTLY) Oh, dear. Have to quickly pop into Rita's.

Hello, my little mate.

(GROWLS)

What's going on with you today?

Where's Rita?

Er, she's in the bedroom. I told her she should lie down.

Well, lookee what we've got here.

No-one's been in here. The door was locked when I came up.

She's gone loopy.

Look what she's done.

I didn't know what to do.

Look at this place. Can you smell that?

There's food going off in the fridge.

And look.

Oh. Goodness me.

Adam, could you take Rita down to your apartment?

Yeah.

Very sad. Old lady.

She's gone mad. Absolutely bonkers.

Poor thing.

Do you think we should put in and get a cleaner in for her?

Yes.

Yes, we're going to clean this place up. Get rid of the filth.

Oooh, Mummy's cranky.

Rita, honey? Mmm?

Do you want to come down to my place? I'm making jam roly-poly.

Oh, Rita. APOLLO: Off you go, Rita.

Off you go. Looking beautiful, darling.

(DOOR CLOSES) What are you doing?!

This is... inappropriate behaviour.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are absolutely right, Suzy.

It's just so hard for me, you know.

Adjusting to being dead.

Adrian... APOLLO!

Apollo! Apollo! Apollo!

(WHOOSH!)

(COUGHS)

Hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

(ELECTRO-POP TUNE PLAYS)

Yeah, that's good. Yeah.

OK, bring the bass in.

Yeah, yeah.

(WATER GUSHES)

Disco, disco. Come on, everybody. Come to the disco.

Stop it! You bastard, you're gonna scare him.

But, Daddy, isn't that what we're supposed to do?

Disco! Disco! Come on, Daddy. Join me at the disco.

APOLLO: I always wanted a younger brother.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

Pop round anytime. Lovely to see you.

Apollo!

You and I need to talk.

OK, Dad.

How did you do that? (CHUCKLES)

I can't do that. The tap thing as well.

What a lark. (LAUGHS)

How the fuck does he do that?

Boo! Funny.

I want it and it just happens.

It's ever so simple.

But it's actually quite tiring, Daddy.

Are you not strong enough?

So...

..you're after some fun?

Yes, please.

Ever imagine what it would be like to walk into any room

and look and listen, and not be seen?

No.

Imagine it now. Alright.

What would you like to see?

Women with no clothes on. (CHUCKLES)

ELVIS: Mum!

Mum! What happened?

Henry? Mum, are you alright?

Where's Henry? Mum?

Elvis. Oh!

Yeah, I'm OK. Oooh!

I think. Oooh!

Come on, then.

Where are we going, Daddy?

Don't you worry about that. Daddy's got it all under control.

(WHOOSH!)

(WHOOSH!)

Daddy?

APOLLO: Henry? (CHUCKLES)

Dad?

Where are the nudies, Daddy?

Dad, where are the nudies?!

How do you like that?

It's good.

It really suits you.

Thank you, Elvis.

Oh, come on, Jonquil.

(PHONE RINGS)

Were you ever into horses?

Short period,

trying unsuccessfully to get in with the cool girls.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

I'd like to see you riding a horse.

Bareback.

No clothes. (PHONE STOPS)

Hair flowing in the wind.

Riding that horse.

Holding on to it with these thighs.

Man, I'd like to see that.

(PHONE RINGS)

Angel, babe, we can't hide from the world forever.

Yep. SUZY: Oh, Jonquil.

Thank you.

Um, sorry to spring this on you,

but I really need you to take the kids this weekend.

No can do, sister.

Oh, well, maybe just for a few hours, then. I can drop them over.

I'm going to be tied up... all weekend.

Vroom! Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom!

What's that?

That's my boyfriend making 'rev up the engine' noises.

Vroom!

Oh! Suzy, they have a father.

He spends most of his weekends drinking smoothies and watching porn.

Vroom! Vroom-vroom-vrrrrr!

Right. Thanks.

APOLLO: (CHILD VOICE) Nice lady?

Please help me.

I'm lost. I don't know where I am.

Help me! (SIGHS)

So, out of 10... what's my score?

What do you think? Hmm?

Come on. RITA: Eight and a half.

APOLLO: Can you help me find Henry?

Where's my dad?

Act like I'm not here, Su... Don't look down!

APOLLO: I'm not even buried yet!

(WHISPERS) Apollo is crying.

I had a wife. She was pregnant. I don't want to die.

I want to go home.

(SOBS) Please!

You're the only one that can see me. Please!

He's acting, Suze. He's completely fucking insane.

How do I get down there? How do I get to you?

(THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) What am I supposed to do?

Help me!

I didn't get a book How to Expunge the Malevolent Ghost of a Disgruntled Child!

Dad!

Suzy! Help me! I'm scared!

OK. Enough.

I'm getting my children out of here.

I'm still the same person, Suzy.

Your children are perfectly safe here.

Oh, of course. Oh, I didn't mean that.

No, I love that dress - and I love you.

I mean, not... (CHUCKLES) ..love love.

You know what I mean.

Come on, kids.

You two should go out. Go out.

Go for a walk or something. It's a really lovely day.

RITA: That's a nice idea. ADAM: Yes.

I'll just get changed.

Maybe just get a cardie.

It's a bit fresh out there. I don't go out like this.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES MALEVOLENTLY)

Oooh, Daddy, I found you.

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

(THUMP!)

What's wrong? Nothing. Nothing at all.

I just thought you might... like to spend some time with your children.

Yeah, yeah, great. Thanks.

Suze?

Come and give your old Stevie a hug.

Come on.

There you go.

Oooh!

You have been working too hard.

You need a break.

Go and get yourself a massage or a facial

or a little... (CLICKS TONGUE) ..freshen-up.

The kids need their mum lively and attractive.

I'll drop them off later.

OK. Thanks. Thanks, Steve.

(SIGHS)

Oh...

Shh.

(WHISPERS) Are you OK?

Yeah. You?

What happened?

I think I might have upset Apollo.

Hmm.

(SIGHS)

Well, this is something new, isn't it?

Yeah. It was an inspired idea.

Take an angry child and frighten him.

Alright, listen, um...

Maybe you should be thinking about moving out, you know?

Sell the place.

Do you want me to leave?

(SIGHS) This... this is really hard for me.

Are you going to answer my question?

OK.

It seems that...

..I have - or rather, had -

no ability to maintain relationships.

Friends. Family.

The band.

My son.

Or women.

Hmm. That about covers it.

And now here I am, a ghost

whose bastard son's hell-bent on destroying

the one last chance I've got of redeeming myself,

of... you know, um...

Mmm. I'm listening.

Well, I don't want you to go.

(SIGHS) Good. I...

I like you.

Well... yeah, that's, um...

..that's how my... my heart feels about the matter...

..as well.

Right. Good. (CHUCKLES)

Don't... don't laugh.

I'm not laughing. Sorry.

Right. Business.

Apollo. What to do.

Well, what does he want?

He wants me, Suze.

Well, he can't have you.

Going for a swim?

No. Swimming's great.

Total cardio in zero-gravity conditions.

Henry, you have to learn to behave yourself.

It's all getting out of hand.

Who's Henry?

This is Henry.

Oh. Well, sounds like Henry's been naughty.

Henry hasn't been naughty. He just doesn't listen.

Bomb! (SHRIEKS)

So, I was sitting at my desk and I felt hungry.

So I looked down at my watch...

and it was lunchtime.

Right.

Lunchtime. Hungry. (CHUCKLES)

What could be more normal than that?

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

So I grabbed my keys and my wallet.

But here's the strange bit, Dad.

I picked up my attaché case.

See, I never do that.

But I was thinking about, um, well, of all things, a meatball sandwich.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds delicious.

But I never got that sandwich.

I stepped off the kerb, and... bang!

You know that saying "He never knew what hit him"?

Well, that's me. 'Cause I don't know.

I don't know if it was a truck or a bus.

Right.

If I hadn't picked up the attaché case,

it might not have happened.

Still, you know,

not as stupid as falling drunk off the back of a ferry, is it?

Agreed.

Inglorious deaths.

So, how was your life?

Well, I thought it was all ahead of me. It wasn't.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I know that feeling.

You know, I don't really like this woman who lives here.

Suzy? Mmm.

I don't even like her stupid name.

Right. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I hear you on that one.

But, er...

..she... does grow on you after a while.

I could get rid of her if you want.

What?

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Henry!

(HENRY YELLS)

Henry? Henry!

(WHOOSH!)

Henry!

(CHEESY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, my. A cup of fucking tea.

Milk?

Don't mind if I do.

So, how did we end up here?

By me trying to kill your stupid girlfriend.

(CHUCKLES)

She's not my girlfriend.

Mmm, that's right.

You can't fuck her.

If you touch her or hurt her in any way,

I will destroy you in ways you can't even begin to imagine.

Bickie?

Thank you.

Well, isn't this grand?

Isn't it?

You get to pretend you're a real working-class hero down here.

You just don't fucking get it, do you?

Mum said that you screwed around on her all the time when you were together.

"Like a real alley cat", she said.

Did she? Mmm.

And how is Charlotte? She lives in Brighton.

Haven't seen her for five years.

Has she had a happy life?

Yeah. I suppose.

Whatever that means.

You know I loved your mother.

Shut up.

I did.

I loved her so much, I couldn't bear it.

Shut up! Shut up!

(MEN BEAT-BOX)

(STEVE AND TERRY SING)

Good day, kids. Thanks.

See you, kids. Say hello to your mum for me.

ELVIS: OK. Peace out.

Two, three, four!

(BOTH BEAT-BOX)

(GASPS) Henry! Oh, gosh. You look terrible. Where did you go?

Spending a bit of quality time with the boy.

Where is he?

Turns out he's got a backstage pass - access all areas.

He tried to kill me.

Yeah.

Don't think he likes you very much.

I can't bring Elvis and Verity back here. He's dangerous.

Are you coming back?

Yeah. I'm just going to go and get some washing powder.

You're going shopping?

Yeah. The children's uniforms need to be washed.

Absolutely.

And I'm going to Apollo's funeral.

Whoa.

Look.

Can we go in? Please?

Yeah. OK.

(LIFT BELL RINGS)

My dad always used to say

you control your own destiny, otherwise someone else would,

and that is what I'm doing...

What's this?

Verity?

(POTTER MIAOWS)

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

(PHONE RINGS)

Yello?

Steve, where are the kids?! I dropped them off.

Terry and I have to go shopping. They would've been bored.

Why didn't you tell me? I needed you to stay with them!

Henry!

Who... who is this Henry, Suze?

Are you seeing someone?

Is that what this is all about?

Suzy?

Henry!

Wow.

Look at this place.

It'd make a really good cubbyhouse.

Hey, Verity! Whoooo!

(THUMP!) Ow!

Are you OK?

(GROANS)

You fell over.

I didn't fall.

Who's your daddy now, you little twat?

Let's get out of here.

Oooh. Wait for me.

(TEARFULLY) Where are we?

I want Mum.

It's OK.

(CLANG!)

(CLANG!)

(CLANG!)

I think I can hear her.

Why don't you call her?

Because I left my phone at Dad's house. No, you didn't.

What? Sorry. I was playing Snakey on it.

Verity, you're brilliant!

Yeah. See, that's not going to work down here, stupid.

(PHONE RINGS)

Elvis! (ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

Elvis!

Mum? Mum, where are you?

Can you hear me? Are you there?

Mum, I can hear you. Where are you?

(BUZZING)

Elvis, if you can hear me, yell out the name 'Henry'.

Yell it loudly. He's there. He'll be there.

Henry!

Henry...! (PHONE SHATTERS)

(VERITY SCREAMS) Call Henry.

BOTH: Henry!

OK, now, Potter.

It's time for the big guns.

(CHILDREN CALL FOR HENRY REPEATEDLY)

Elvis?

I'm coming, son! Keep it up!

Henry!

Apollo!

(WHOOSH!)

Daddy's here.

And he's very cranky.

Arggh!

(VERITY SQUEALS)

(GROANS)

I wanted it and it happened.

Copycat.

You really need to get over yourself, son.

I don't like them, Dad.

I don't...

I don't think I even like you.

(LAUGHS)

You look terrible.

Pissing is hard.

Chasing is hard.

(WHIMPERS)

"What's wrong, son?

"What's ailing you, my boy?"

That's what you're supposed to say!

What I'm supposed to say...

..is grow the fuck up!

(GROANS)

Oh, what a charmer you are.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.

I wasn't like this when I was alive.

Bull-fucking-shit you weren't.

You're right. I was.

Inside, I was.

When I was alive, I could hide it.

Being dead, there's nowhere to hide this true me.

Just angry and bitter.

It's awful. I'm horrible.

It hurts, Daddy.

(WHIMPERS)

It hurts, Daddy.

You poor bastard.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

What's that? (WHIRRING)

Mum? Mum! Mummy!

Mum!

(WHIRRING)

ELVIS: Mum!

I'm here! VERITY: Mum!

I'm here!

Mummy! Oh!

Oh, are you OK?

Yes. We got lost. There's weird places down there.

Oh.

Are you OK?

Ohhh...

Let's go.

We're going to go for a drive, take a visit, go see Aunty Jonquil.

She's got a new boyfriend.

SUZY: We'll take her some muffins and cakes. She likes those.

Why did you make us call for Henry?

Oh, he's someone I knew when I was little.

And he died. Sometimes I still talk to him when I'm afraid or alone.

Suze, they OK?

Apollo is sleeping. Gone.

OK.

Jonquil. Do you want to call her and let her know we're on our way?

You wait in the car.

(SIGHS)

You alright? Yeah.

Henry, thank you.

Thank you.

STEVE: Right. Where is he?

Hi, Suzy. Oh, hi, Terry.

Hooray. The cavalry's here.

What's this?

Oh, there's something wrong with the electrics.

I don't know, ever since Rocco's died, the maintenance has just deteriorated.

Suze, that's... that's not the fuse box.

Oh.

Why don't we just take a look around? I've got my toolbox.

Terry, we were going to buy sunglasses.

Mate...

Mate...

Alright, fine.

Let's spend all of Saturday doing maintenance

on my ex-wife's apartment block.

SUZY: Thanks. Great.

MAN: ..Adrian Apollo Barnes, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Excuse me.

I'm Suzy Darling. I was wondering if I could speak to you.

Why were you sitting over there?

I was being respectful.

Did you know him?

No, I didn't. Then fuck off.

Excuse me, Charlotte. I'm sorry, but I do need to speak to you.

Look, who are you?

I'm, um...

I'm a friend of Henry's.

Is that what you freaks call yourselves nowadays?

Oh, no. I'm not a freak. I'm a dentist.

And I've just buried my son.

If you don't mind.

Charlotte, please, I'm sorry.

This may sound a little insane, but Henry needs you.

Oh, my God.

It can't be!

Is he alive?

Charlotte, look at you.

CHARLOTTE: What am I doing here? I must be mad.

It's Charlotte.

(SIGHS) I thought you might like a drink.

Thank you.

Look, I can... I can still make my flight if I leave now.

Don't go.

Oh. I'm sorry. I thought that you... would be able to see Henry.

Uh-huh? So Henry's here now, is he?

You see him? Yes. He's standing right beside you.

(SCOFFS) Oh, what, here? No.

Just, um...

Yes, just there.

What's my mother's name?

Josephine Harrison. Josephine Harrison.

When I was at school, I had a little dog.

What was he called?

Um, little bastard of a thing.

He's just trying to remember. He's just thinking.

I used to call it Shitface.

Henry had a special name for him.

BOTH: Shitface.

Ask her what we did at Simon Cheswick's 18th birthday party.

What did you do at Simon Cheswick's 18th birthday party?

Oh, God! (LAUGHS)

Goodness.

No-one else could possibly know that! (LAUGHS)

Look, I think I... I will have another Scotch, if you don't mind.

Yeah. Sure.

Lord.

I must look old to you.

You're beautiful.

Tell her!

Oh. He said you're... you're beautiful.

Is he still beautiful?

He... he looks...

..just the same as when he died.

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

I know Henry and women.

Oh, it's just that he's in the room, and, um...

..I'm not sure that his head needs to get any bigger.

Well... this... Henry and you - what... what... what is that?

It's, uh... it's complicated.

(CHUCKLES) That's what it is.

Yes, sometimes I just think I'm completely insane.

And, um...

..and other times, it's just, um...

..it's fucking great.

Can you touch him?

No.

Well... that's a shame.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I thought that he... he broke your heart and abandoned you.

Sorry. Excuse me. I am standing here.

Sorry.

We were young.

I didn't know how rare love is.

Didn't know I had to fight for it.

APOLLO: Dad? Suzy?

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) I'm home.

What's happening?

Mum.

SUZY: Apollo is here.

He's... behind you.

Where? Where is he? (GASPS) Wh...

Wh...

He's my son!

Wh... Wh...

Why can you see him? Why can't I see him?

I don't know. I'm sorry. I...

Can... can he see me?

Yeah.

Apollo.

Apollo, I'm s...

I'm so sorry.

I'm so very, very sorry.

(SIGHS)

Is... is... is he alright?

SUZY: Um...

Er, look.

Y-you must have found your dad.

You must be so pleased.

SUZY: Uh, well, Apollo is very, um...

He's a total menace.

He's very angry. He... he always was.

Can you leave now? Please?

Sure.

Um...

..Apollo's just asked me to leave.

So, um, I'll leave you to talk to them and I'll meet you downstairs.

No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, wh-what do I say?

Do... do I just talk to the air?

Yes. They're both here. If you just talk, they'll hear you.

Good luck.

Well...

..hello, my boys.

Right.

Aargh! Aargh! Jesus!

(COUGHS) You alright?

I thought you, um... (COUGHS) ..said it was the blue.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

Let's just...

Let's just shut this one down.

You, uh, know what you're doing? Yeah, sure.

More or less. Sure.

(SINGS) ♪ I'm living in the USA In Wandsworth, USA

♪ We're all down in the bullpen now And we ain't got nothing to say... ♪

(LIFT BELL RINGS)

Well, that was one of the more surreal moments of my life.

Uh, they're not with you.

OK.

Uh...

Well, I-I asked him to move home with me. To Brighton.

OK.

I never wanted him to move here.

I just spoke to the air.

Don't know what happened.

You're lucky. I can't even leave.

Yeah, well, perhaps you can't leave her.

Brighton's nice. It's lovely.

SUZY: Ah. They're here?

Yes. Yes, Apollo is, um, getting into the taxi.

Bye-bye, Apollo.

Goodbye. I still hate your guts.

I...

I-I... I think you should keep this.

Henry gave it to you.

Oh...

Where is he?

He's just standing in front of you.

Thought I'd never see you again.

Thank you.

VERITY: Mum!

They're yours? Henry... Henry lives with all of this?

SUZY: Yes, yeah. (CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES)

Brilliant. I love it.

Oh, very fucking funny.

Well, Henry, I hope you appreciate every moment that you have here.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Bye, mate.

Look after your mum for me.

Be good to her.

OK, Daddy.

Just like you did.

(LAUGHS)

JONQUIL: Hi there. Do you want a lick?

SUZY: Oh, er... Oh, no, thanks.

Hey. Hey, darling.

Was that who I think it was?

Yes.

That was Charlotte.

You're a dark horse, Suzy.

Awww!

Nighty-night, sweetheart. 'Night, Mum.

Back to boring.

Not boring.

Shelter from the storm.

JONQUIL: So, there we go. There's some salty soy things...

It's alright. I've got it.

(SCREAMS)

Mate! SUZY: Steve!

ZAC: Jesus Christ! JONQUIL: Oh, my God!

SUZY: Call an ambulance!

There's no pulse.

JONQUIL: Yes. Uh, yes, I need an ambulance.

He... he's been electrocuted.

What? I-I don't know.

TERRY: Keep going, keep going.

Steve?

STEVE: Who the fuck are you?