Original subtitles

(Транскрибовано за допомогою TurboScribe.ai. Оновити до Необмеженого, щоб прибрати це повідомлення.) Oh, excuse me General Eroticus, but the Emperor

Gluteus Maximus wishes to speak to you.

General Eroticus, duty beckons you once again to

the glory of the battlefield.

The Germany barbarians, they are poised for attack.

Now go to your troops, they await your

command.

And may the gods be with you, General

Eroticus.

Soldiers, we have been in many battles together,

but none as fierce as the one today.

I want you to look to the man

to your left, and the man to your

right.

He may not come back from this fierce

battle.

Today, we fight not only for the glory

of Rome, and our Emperor Gluteus Maximus, but

for our families, and our honor.

All right

now, just some general housekeeping rules.

Those of you that do not have your

shorts to pick them up in the armory

to the left.

And one other thing, even though this is

the woods, it is not a toilet.

Bathrooms are in the back, to the left.

Excuse me, I'm Stan from accounting.

Does anybody know what I'm supposed to be

doing here?

Get in line, slug!

Charge!

There's crawly things here!

What they do, guys?

What?

Ambrosia!

Ambrosia!

Soldier, please fill up my goblet with some

Ambrosia, please.

What are you standing there for?

Fill up my goblet now!

Glute?

What am I, one of you?

Another soldier?

Ambrosia?

Ambrosia, please!

General Eroticus, we are victorious once again!

You have defeated the barbarian tribe.

The battle appeared fierce, brutal, vicious, and bloody.

How was it for you, General?

Let's just say we licked them.

Victory!

Do you see, Eroticus?

The truth?

They love you.

Nah, they just love my tits.

I can understand that, Eroticus.

General Eroticus, of all the wondrous things in

this world, what do you truly wish for

the most?

Most of all, I wish for the return

home to my homeland of Lesbos.

To listen to the sweet sounds of Etheridge,

and laugh and jest at the brilliance of

Degeneres.

And on Tuesday nights, head down to the

local playhouse theater for the Xena episodes.

General Eroticus, Rome is heading straight for chaos.

It is in need of new, bold, and

popular leadership that can work with the Senate

to make Rome great once again.

But Your Highness, you've shined over Rome for

so long.

Nothing is bigger than Your Majesty's gluteus maximus.

But General, Rome is in need of change.

I am too old and feeble, and I

have not long for this world, and I

cannot bear the burden and responsibility of such

change.

Soon, people will forget gluteus maximus, and put

me behind them.

But what about your son, Dicus Minimus?

He'd make a great emperor.

Dicus Minimus?

Emperor?

He is too weak, and flaccid, and small

of stature.

He does not have what it takes to

rule Rome.

But you, General Eroticus, you do have what

it takes, and you shall rule all of

Rome.

Nah, I don't think so.

General, promise me you'll sleep on me.

I mean, on the idea.

Tonight.

And get back to me in the morning.

I am the emperor!

I am the emperor!

I am the emperor, my loyal subject, my

beautiful, wonderful, sister-kind child.

I am the emperor!

I am the emperor!

I am the emperor!

I am the emperor, you know, sister.

Well, don't go out and make the t

-shirts just yet.

Too late.

They come in all the colors of the

rainbow, and they're 100% father-proof.

Kiss the emperor.

You may not want to kiss me now,

dear sister, but you will.

Very soon.

Perhaps our father has died in battle.

If Goliathus Maximus is dead, then you and

I...

...will rule Rome as brother and sister.

Gee, I simply cannot wait.

Can't you?

That's a very lovely dress, my sister.

Where did you acquire it?

Egypt?

Yes, I did get it in Egypt.

I don't believe you.

Take it off.

Give it here.

Let me check it.

What?

Take it off.

Do this.

Oh, come on.

Do it.

Now, pouty, pouty, pout for your brother.

You are not the emperor yet.

You know, really, I had to ruin the

moment, sister.

Help!

Guards!

Guards!

Ambush!

Help your emperor!

Guards!

Guards!

Where are you when I need you?

Your king needs you!

Guards!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Oh, did I miss the battle?

I was hoping to come out here just

in time to, like, stab and jab and

slice...

...and cut off something from one of these

barbarians.

Oh, Dickus, they are barbarians.

Not bar-varians.

And stop being such an ass-kissing pansy.

It makes me sick.

Well, it's such a glorious day, father, for

killing.

And I can't wait to get back to

Rome to tell everybody how you killed all

the barbarians out here in the field today.

By the way, Dickus, where have you been

during the battle, hmm?

Have you been playing hide the peanut again

with sister, perhaps, hmm?

No!

Well, one of the wheels went flat on

the chariot...

...and we got a little bit lost, and

you know how women are about asking directions,

so...

Yes, Dickus, yes, I know.

Germany is a very treacherous place, isn't it?

So, father, about the emperorship I've been practicing,

tell me, what do you think?

Do you think you need to be more

mean, more aggressive, more humble?

By the way, Dickus, regarding that emperorship...

...I'm more likely to hand it over to

a red-haired, blue-eyed eunuch...

...than I would to deliver it to your

weak hands.

Have you lead Rome?

What?

Father, how could you say this to me?

I'm your son.

I'm the rightful heir.

No, no, I made my decision, Dickus.

The new emperor of Rome will be Eroticus.

Eroticus?

Eroticus, General Eroticus, that just slew all these

barbarians you see before you.

Oh, whippy crap, killing some chocolate-making barbarians.

I'm your son.

I'm the rightful heir of Rome.

Rome, not some friggin' soldier out there killing.

I am the emperor.

Sour grapes, Dickus?

Sour grapes?

Woe is me.

Father, you know I need this appointment very

badly.

I need the power and the wealth.

How else am I supposed to get the

chicks?

I need to be down with the ladies

in the 280s.

Oh, Dickus, stop it now already.

Listen, I'll take you down to the dealership.

We'll check out the really boss line of

chariots that you've had your eye on.

You know, the ones with the sunroof.

Yes, I'd like to do that.

Okay, and in the meantime, why don't you

try stuffing your tunic with something, perhaps?

No amount of stuffing could conceal the cruel

joke that the gods have laid on me.

No.

Father, stop that.

What's that over there?

The king is...

The king is dead.

You, come closer.

Very lucky you get to accept my first

order as emperor of all of Rome.

Go find that whore, Rhonticus.

Take her out back and slit her throat

like a friggin' pig.

Love you.

Sour grapes, eh?

Ho, ho,

ho, Eroticus.

I will slay you with this sword.

But first, let me slay you with this

one.

Or last, this zipper.

Sometimes the frost makes it stick.