Original subtitles

[dramatic crescendo]

[Christmasy music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Oh, the joy of the holidays.

And by joy, of course,

I mean that soul crushing mixture of anxiety

and depression that we shoved down under our happy faces,

while actually we just got past Thanksgiving.

I'm not ready.

As mothers, we're supposed to pull it all together

and make it perfect.

Not because we like it,

but because we know we're the only ones

that can get the job done.

And let's be clear.

There is no greater challenge than Christmas.

Hey!

Hey!

- Hi Diane. - Hi Shelly.

Where are you headed to?

Shopping. Got some decorations to buy.

Oh, gees. Good luck with that.

I bought all of these decorations like months ago.

- Crazy sales. - Cool.

[laughs] Yeah, got a whole new theme going this year.

Gonna invite the neighborhood.

- You're gonna be there, right? - Couldn't miss it

if I wanted to. [Shelly laughing]

You're funny.

I'm really excited to see what you're putting up this year.

Yeah. Pretty excited.

My eyes on you.

Oh, I'll make sure you have a front row seat, Shelly.

[laughs] I will be there.

I'll be there. I'll be looking.

- All right. - Okay. See ya.

I'll see ya there.

[Christmasy music]

Ooh.

Don't panic.

I got this.

It's not my first rodeo.

My third, actually.

I have the two at home.

Here's Abby. She's 15 going on 21.

- Not dressed like this. - The girls at school

- dress way worse than this. - I don't care.

- You don't. Go change. - So protective.

Yes! Go change.

- Whatever. - I love you.

Take the makeup down a notch.

- My youngest, Dougie. - Mommy, mommy.

Oh, he's pure joy.

When he's dry. What's up?

- I wet the bed again. - But don't let the constant

urinating distract you, I don't.

After all, my bets are on him

to be the one to change my diapers when I'm old.

Ah, the cycle of life.

My husband, Brian.

15 years of marriage, still my best bud.

But while he's at work, I get stuff done.

For example, when it comes to Christmas,

even the simplest of tasks, he's absolutely useless.

You try it.

Oh, I think she's going for it.

That candy cane is mine!

Yes!

Wait, ah, I almost forgot.

Mom.

The kids call her Nana. I call her Jane.

Oh, my bridge.

I need some tape, some glue, some cotton,

and then I'm just good to go.

She was an Army nurse for years.

She's a woman of many strengths.

- Brian, we need to go. - I love this.

This is absolutely beautiful.

Oh, lovely. Hope it fits me.

Letting her guard down isn't one of them.

Hey, candy cane lady.

Is it really Christmas without oversized candy canes?

Hold on. Hold on.

- That's the one you want? - Oh, you don't have

- to do that. - Well, that's,

oh, maybe I shoulda let you get it.

Wow.

- Thanks. - That's some bird there.

- Yeah. - You know how to pick 'em.

- Well, I always get it early. - Ah, great.

- Early bird special. - Well, merry Christmas.

Slow your role, buddy. No need to rush it.

Yeah, merry Christmas.

Still got 119 hours to go. Lots of time.

Merry Christmas.

And while I'm trying to prepare

for this magical holiday season,

my partner in crime burns the midnight oil.

I know his work is all-consuming.

But we both know he hides behind it.

I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

I'm awake.

Sorry.

And there's my sister Kate.

She loves her life way too much.

Cut! That's a wrap.

We're back here same time tomorrow.

So, still headed to DR for the holidays?

Bags are packed, sunscreen pre applied,

and I am counting the minutes.

- Oh. - Oh, what?

It's just...

Spit it out, Miranda. I don't have all day.

Your sister?

[groans] Ah, crap.

You wanted me to remind you to patch things up with her.

Ah, another year bites the dust.

Look, it's none of my business, but-

- I said remind me, not lecture me.

I know, but you keep going on about how much

you miss your niece and your nephew.

I know, I confide in your as I have no social life

outside of this job.

It's just, my relationship with my sister

is complex, and guilt-ridden-

and downright vindictive.

I mean, there's always next year.

It's just this year, ugh, I need a break.

Okay, wish me luck. I hope they sign off on this.

Good luck.

[Shelly laughing]

Oh my gosh, how do you move off? [groans]

Oh, is that him?

- Diane, you see it? - Oh.

- I love Christmas! - He has time

to roast marshmallows, I have not showered today.

Oh, crap!

Crap!

Ah!

So good.

All right. Can't be that bad.

[groans]

[dramatic crescendo]

[phone ringing]

Excellent shot, sir.

I've had my eye on you for quite a while now, Brian.

You remind me of a younger, smarter version of myself.

Ah, that's funny 'cause I've always thought

of you as a smarter, better-looking version of myself.

I think there was a but coming.

No, no, there's no buts coming here, sir.

No buts at all.

As in, but am I failing you, Roger?

Do you wanna define the word failing for me, please?

I mean, are you talking failing as in I'm fired failing

or failing as in, Brian, I see that you're really

working your ass off, please do not fail me now.

Which one are we talking about?

Look, I'd give anything to be you, okay?

Company man on his way up in the world,

solid under pressure.

Brian, the fate of my company

and the ability to focus on my short game

- are at stake right now. - Look, sir,

I'm sure you've noticed that my wife,

she's about to burst, right?

And I am now on my 17th cup of coffee.

So I just, I need a little bit of...

- Of time. - Well, there no rest

for the weary.

So, do I have your commitment on this

or do I need to find someone else?

No, come on, come on.

Of course you have my commitment, 100% there.

Absolutely.

That sounds like a company man I can get behind.

Run me the updated numbers before I tee off.

Will do.

I'm on it. I'll take care of it, I promise.

All right?

Hey, Rosie, in 10 years,

remind me to never have any kids.

[Rosie] Are you sure you want to schedule that?

See, even Rosie knows your full of it.

[notification buzzing]

Wait, what party? Whose party?

It's Claire! Would you chill?

Two days before Christmas. Just the girls.

Two days before Christmas?

Why can't you have a party with me?

We'll wrap presents, shop for more presents, wrap those.

I'll give you a sip of mommy's egg nog.

I'm 15.

I wanna go to a 15-year-old party with regular egg nog.

Abby, please, be my little Christmas angel.

I'm not your Christmas angel.

I'm your puppet.

Pull the strings and I do what you say.

Pull this string and I do all the laundry.

Pull this string and I stay locked up

in my room like some medieval hostage.

- Don't be so dramatic. - Look in the mirror!

Abby, please, please.

You know what I'm up against.

Come on. You thrive on it.

[Diane gasping]

Hey, I can see your bra in that shirt.

- Put something on under it. - Shh.

This could be a real game changer for me.

No, I know, it's a great project.

Ah, come on, you know me.

- Of course I'm gonna deliver. - Oh my gosh.

You're delivering, too?

We have something in common.

Listen, if I nail this deal, right, Diane,

I make partner, okay?

And then think about it, and you-

- But I miss you. - I know.

I miss you, too. But listen.

Then you can get the help around here

that you always wanted, all right?

All right, Granny's here. [horn honking]

Oh, great. That's Jane.

On time, reporting for duty.

- Hi, Jane. - Don't call me that.

What's with the chili?

Diane, it's 81 degrees in Punta Cana.

Ah, doesn't that sound wonderful?

Oh my gosh, that beachfront?

Yeah. Umbrella drinks on the beach.

- Spa? - Spa day.

Do you think they'll let chili on the plane?

It could have my seat.

Honey, honey, you've got everything handled.

- You've got this. - No, I don't got this.

But that's okay, go jet set with Kate.

- Really? I can go? - No, you can't go!

What's wrong with you?

My husband and my daughter have completely abandoned me.

You're not going anywhere.

As you wish, my dear.

You still want the chili, right?

- Yes. - Morning, Jane.

- Morning. - Later, Jane.

- Nana's here. - Nana!

- Hi. - Why are you here?

Oh, I came to say bon voyage

and grab your mother's sun hat,

but now I guess I'm helping.

Hey, soldier, if you eat your breakfast

in five minutes, we're gonna get you to school.

Check and check.

- You can go on your trip now. - No, she can't, Abby.

Hey! 0845, that's in 15 minutes, people.

Hurry up, double time. Quick!

Yeah.

[laughs] They love it when I do that.

I love it when you do that.

There you go. Another blue one.

Thank you.

- Where's my phone? - You're kidding?

No, I'm not kidding you.

Thought it's glued to your face.

Diane, will you just help me out?

- Get it together. - Yeah.

Get married they said, have some kids, yeah, bla bla

- Hey, Dad? - What?

I have a sleep over party. I need to go.

I lost my phone. Help me out, all right?

- Come on! - Come on.

- Mom said it's up to you! - Yo, let's go!

- I already have to pee again. - I just knew you

were driving me crazy!

Look, you live here for free.

- Help me find my phone. - Mom said it's up to you.

Look, you know your mother, okay?

Nothing is ever, ever up to me in this house.

My entire social life depends on you.

Aren't you the top salesman at your company?

You're always saying you can sell anything to anyone.

Whatever you do there, do it on Mom.

- All right, Abby? - Do you wanna play?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's play a game.

You wanna play? I'll play with you.

- Yeah? - Give me that phone.

- Look- - Come on.

Social is your mother's department, okay?

We have different departments. You know that.

- It's on the list everywhere. - Please, Dad!

Look, just do me a favor. Give me the phone.

Right, give me the phone and I promise you I will

give it my best shot, okay?

I promise you. [phone buzzing]

- Answer it. - Hey, Grandpa.

- Yeah, yeah. - Abby!

- How you doing? - Give me the phone.

Oh my God, is that really you?

- Love you, Dad. - Yeah, that was Abby, yeah.

She still giving you crap all the time?

Oh my God, you have no idea.

[horn honking]

- Hey, Dad. How are ya? - And how well can I be?

72 hours ago, they gave me a new hip.

I can't really do this right now, Dad.

We're late. Can I call you later?

They give me a physical therapist.

And I get here and I look up

and his office is on the third floor of a walk-up.

I really can't do this right now, Dad.

- You're not listening to me. - So, with a broken hip,

I gotta walk up to my physical therapist.

- How's that for math? - Actually, you know what?

Your daughter-in-law wants to have you.

And how are you, madam?

Yeah, we're getting divorced.

No, I'm kidding. We're going to the doctor.

We gotta go. Bye, bye, bye.

Left me holding the phone.

I've been dumped on by kings.

[doctor humming]

Look in the mirror and tell yourself you can.

You can.

♪ Find happiness ♪

Okay, well, I found some happiness

because this is my favorite part of the day.

- Well, that's sad. - Well, Diane,

after this I got lunch, which is just tuna on whole wheat.

And then tonight it's reruns

of "Out in the Wild, Unplugged, A Survivor's Tale".

So yes, this is the most exciting part of my day.

Will you stop.

- Okay, here we go. - Sorry.

A little goopla there.

- And off we- - Come on. Come on.

Brian, mm-hmm.

- Yeah. See it? - What?

Dee, dee, dee. Dee, dee.

Dee, dee. Und dee.

That's still a thing? I didn't notice.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Still in effect.

Okay, here we go.

Gees, hey, Brian, do you wanna drive over here?

I don't need to do this.

- I mean, who am I? - I don't-

- I can go out and I can order bedpans.

Okay. You know what?

I'll be back. Just give me, just give me two seconds, okay?

- Brian! - Yeah, Brian, come on.

Get with it. Earth to Brian!

Hello!

- Such an ass. - I don't get this guy.

Why is it always just two seconds with him?

- Sometimes he lasts longer. - I pray that's true

for your sake.

- Oh! Sapless winter! - What?

Just joking. I'm joking.

Oh, you're awful. How could you?

- You're 37 weeks. - Oh, well what about

- the pains I've been having? - You mean your husband?

Yes, and my daughter.

Now that you mention it, my sister, my mother,

my dip shit neighbor, and his two perfect kids

- across the street, Shelly. - Wait a second.

Are you talking about your daughter, Abby?

- My Abby? - Yes, Tom, help. Help me.

God, that was a hell birth for me.

Do you remember I had to use forceps to get her out?

- Yeah. - I mean,

I pulled a hamstring pulling that kid outta you.

- She is a tough gal. - I know. Relentless.

Yeah. All right, listen.

Doctor's orders, okay?

Go home, get some rest, de-stress, all right?

And forget about Christmas, okay?

[Diane laughing] Come on.

Otherwise we might have to do the C word

- to get him outta here. - Oh, no.

I'm not having any C-sections. No C words.

He'll turn. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He? He'll?

- Him? - Well-

- Is this is a boy? - Yeah, I can't tell 100%

unless he turns, but right now it's a boy.

- A boy. - Yeah.

A boy, oh.

And I want you to take this home with you.

Whoa.

This is gonna blow you, excuse me, calm you away.

Wow. You're something else.

It's all vocalization.

And I think you'll enjoy that because it's me vocalizing.

That is amazing. Did you do the graphics?

Oh, no. I have somebody who does that for me.

[Diane laughing]

- My landscaper. - Oh, yeah, I can tell.

- I love you. You're the best. - Oh, come here.

- You got it. - You're so wonderful.

- I love you. - I know I am.

- [loud knocking] - Oh, maybe more than my-

- What'd I miss over here? - You're mine.

It's a boy? I knew it!

- All good? - Mm-hmm.

- Hip hip hooray. - Yes.

- I love you guys! - We're all

- in this together, guys. - This feels really right.

- This feels really right. - It's us against the world.

[Romantic music]

You can't put someone like me

on bedrest the week before Christmas.

Is he insane?

I mean, I should have him disbarred

- or whatever you call that. - Revoke his medical license.

- Yeah. That. - Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I can just see this now.

This is gonna be the perfect Walters' Christmas.

The tree is lit, the presents are wrapped,

the turkey's in the oven, the front yard is drenched

in a beautiful lighting extravaganza.

Oh, you found my decorations.

I did. Bluetooth.

Nicely played.

Shelly, he's not gonna be able to top that one.

Oh, yeah. He's not gonna see it coming.

I'm gonna destroy him.

I get all hot and bothered when you get vicious.

It's kinda like a, what do you say we go home-

- What? - A little cha cha.

- Oh, kidding? - Come on, why not?

Well, I'll think about it.

It's a maybe.

It depends on how useful you could be.

Useful. Oh, okay.

Well, I mean, how was I this morning?

[laughs] Are you kidding me?

- No, no, no, no. - Oh, you were late,

couldn't find your phone.

You walked out of the doctor's office-

- All right. - On your phone.

All right, scratch that.

Maybe you could just average out the last four,

five days, hmm?

Your mom won't let you come? For real?

She's dug her heels in,

but I'm working on a backdoor situation with my dad.

He folds quicker than a cheap lawn chair.

Good, because I invited a few guys from class.

I'm screwed.

Just do some extra chores around the house.

- It always works for me. - Your mom is obviously

- not my mom. - Sup, ladies?

Hey, Toby.

Hey, Abby.

So Mr. Shunk's a total basket case

in science class today. [girls laughing]

Yeah, I thought he was gonna light his toupee on fire.

Right. Too real.

Shoot, I'm late for work.

- Talk later? - Yeah.

He likes you.

That is my ride. Text me later?

- Okay. - Bye.

See you.

[Playful music]

Hi.

Come here, girl. I have something for you.

Here, here.

Here.

It's okay, I'll leave it here for you, okay?

[notifications whooshing]

This is how it happened, the argument that kept us

from speaking for the next two years.

Ugh, I can't believe I ordered this salad.

What's wrong with you?

It was delicious, though. It was pretty good.

Well, you're entitled to a slice

of the good life once in awhile.

Oh, quit it. There it is.

- What? - Your view of my life.

I just know how stressful it must be

to have a teenage daughter and a little one

at home with the groceries, and the house,

and the PTA meetings, all that stuff.

I love that stuff. That stuff makes me tick.

It's messy, chaotic, daily battle, and I love it.

I know.

I just, you know, thought maybe sometimes you

miss you old life.

Stop it. Stop doing that.

Stop comparing my life to yours.

- I'm fine. - I'm just trying

to imagine what it must be like in your shoes.

Fair enough.

I guess the view from the outside can be daunting,

- to say the least. - Oh!

Also, I think I should tell you,

Abby's been reaching out a lot lately.

Oh.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

She's getting older.

I think it might just be easier

to talk to her cool aunt about things.

[laughs] Okay, what kind of things?

Like, what can't she talk to me about?

It's nothing. Forget it.

I shouldn't have brought it up.

No, you brought it up. Go ahead, tell me.

What's happening with my daughter?

I guess just teenage girl stuff.

Teenage girl stuff, all right.

Why do you make it sound so weird?

What is that? What is teenage girl stuff?

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't have worded it like that.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Just a loser mom who's out of touch

with her daughter's teenage girl stuff.

- Gonna go to the bathroom. - Diane.

[Kate sighs]

[Christmas music]

[food sizzling]

Morning, Dad. How'd you sleep?

Coffee, I need coffee. Fast.

Yeah?

Speaking of sleep, sleepovers are great for sleep, right?

- Mm-hmm, yep. Yep, yep. - Yeah.

Hang on a second.

What are we talking about right now?

Oh, nothing. Just sit down and enjoy.

- You deserve it. - Sup, champ?

- Sit down. - Mm, pancakes.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, this is a production.

You better eat fast, man.

I wanna get going. It's gonna be nuts out there today.

- Yeah. - I want to, like,

throw down with another mom in the toy section,

- you know what I'm saying? - That sounds amazing.

- What is that? - Bedrest, Mom.

It means plenty of rest. Here.

- Ooh. - Fresh kale, spinach,

agave nectar, and a splash of cinnamon.

- Disgusting. - Unbelievable.

You need your strength.

And the kale is good for smoothing out fine lines.

- You guys want more? - Well, you dad's gonna have

to take it to go, 'cause we're leaving.

- Yeah. - I've been slaving

over this breakfast since 6:00 AM.

Now, don't you care enough about me

to let me go to that party, yes or no?

- Come on. - I care about you so much.

- Me, too. - My answer is no.

No way.

Thanks for breakfast.

Okay, your sister's nuts. You know that, right?

Yeah.

Hey, would you do yourself a favor, please,

- and call your sister? - She tried to hijack Jane

to another country.

Forget it.

Whew.

Whew.

- Whoa. - What is it?

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

No, no, look at me.

- You know what? - I'm good. I'm good.

- Have some water. See- - That was interesting.

You're stressing the baby out.

You're stressing everybody out.

- Okay. - Come on, just take this.

[phone ringing]

- Hold on a sec. I'm getting a call. - Oh, no, don't answer it.

- No, you know. - Don't do it!

Go get some eggs. I'll meet you over there, all right?

Brian, my boy.

We're checking in on ya. The team's all here.

Hey, buddy, how's it going?

We haven't gotten the latest figures yet,

but if you need any of my help, I'm here for you.

- [loud scratching] - Hello?

[imitating static]

He's on the toilet?

- Sounds like it. - I really, really can't talk.

- Okay? - Nevermind,

we're out of time.

Pack your bags. You can finish on the plane.

Give it up, Walters.

Ignore that. We'll see you tomorrow.

[Brian] Really?

It's come to this.

What was that?

What was what?

It was like you were humping the tree.

What was going on over there?

- I don't know. - Oh my gosh, what?

This might not be the time to tell you this.

- Oh, it's the time. - Are you sure

- you wanna hear this? - It's the time. Bring it.

- Okay, you know the- - Give it to me.

- Bring it. - You know

that production line down in Texas?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well, the merger?

- Uh-huh. - Is-

- Big stuff. - Yeah, it's not

going so well and they need me down there

- and I can't say no. - Oh.

Oh, you're going to Texas. [laughs]

I'm really sorry about this.

You're going to Texas?

You know what?

That makes me, I gotta put on the happy faces for this.

- No, no, no, don't. - Chin up, chin up.

I mean, this is a happy, happy, happy,

here it comes, there's your happy face.

Put our happy faces on.

Face on.

Texas, woo!

I don't know if Texas is ready for you.

- I'm sorry. - I'm done with you.

Texas can have you.

Texas.

- Honestly. - Clean up on aisle four.

One of my most important jobs is

finding the special moments to carry the family

through it all.

What better way to spend an evening than with Santa?

It's Christmas.

All right, maybe for Dougie's sake.

All right, let's do this. Yeah?

Santa. Yay, so excited.

Can we get this over with? I've got things to do.

That's the spirit I'm looking for.

Come on, guys.

Have you decided if I can go?

Can you tell my why it's so important to you?

- There's a boy I like. - Oh, a boy, okay.

- Yeah, great. - All right.

It's no big deal. We're just friends.

It's kind of a big deal.

You like him?

Walters!

Early bird gets the Santa. [cackling]

- Nice outfit. - Thanks.

Hot chocolate! Can you take me, please?

All right. Swirly chocolate syrup?

- Yes! - Extra cherries?

- Yes! - Come on.

Really?

Wow, unbelievable.

[sighs] It's okay.

Hey, listen, why don't we just go home, right?

Put on a Christmas video instead?

- I mean, look at this line. - No, you're gonna wait

- in that line. - I really

- don't wanna wait here. - I'll get us a hot chocolate.

If you're lucky, I'll get you some more whipped cream.

I think I've had just about enough of that.

- Have you? - Yeah.

- Well. - All right.

- Get in line. - I'll race you.

[people chattering]

Hey, tough guy.

Aren't you supposed to be somewhere right now?

- Nope. Union break. - Union?

They got a union for this? For real?

Hey, look, nobody's going anywhere in that line.

Sit down. Come on.

Yeah, been a card carrying member since 1973.

Even got an award last year.

- Got a problem with that? - No, no problem.

I mean, that just makes perfect sense right about now.

- Yeah, I thought so. - Yeah.

I got a bedazzled plaque hanging right

over the fireplace.

You should come over and see it sometime.

You gotta be joking me.

Actually, I'm a little too busy waiting out here

on line for someone to go to work.

- Time's up, Sydney. - Beat it, Denny.

I got two more minutes left.

- Come on, you're killing me. - You mean he's killing us.

- Come on. - We're not

going into overtime.

Come on, chug it. Let's go.

Come on. [Sydney burping]

That's nice. Really nice.

There's kids around here, you know?

- All right, showtime. - Oh, God almighty.

That's disgusting, Rumples...

- You catching Rumplemints? - Yeah, that and a corn dog.

That's disgusting. Ah.

Come on. You keep an eye on him.

- Make it two, okay? - You ready?

- Come on. - Yeah.

- All right, come on. - You weren't in line?

Cheer up, everyone. Yeah, we're waiting on line.

- This is the line? - Did you get me one?

- Are you kidding? No. - Here.

- Thank you. - It's yours.

What's up, buddy? Come here.

I thought this was gonna be quick.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

Santa.

Santa, my feet are throbbing are throbbing

and my water could break at any second,

so let's get to the other side of this, all right?

- You got it, smiling lady. - All right.

- One another. - Get that phone away!

Put it away.

Can you chill?

♪ Oh, those bells ring out ♪

Don't tell your mother to chill.

- ♪ Laughing all the way ♪ - Yeah.

And you, too.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride in a ♪

[soft music]

No, but how do you spell that? [giggles]

Hey.

The real challenge is giving your teenage daughter

enough space, but still wanting her

to tell you everything, like, is she happy?

Does she fit in?

Does she feel loved? What'd she have for breakfast?

What's she reading? Does she like anybody?

But the truth is, I'm losing her

and I don't know what to do about it.

Yeah, I'm still here.

[Sentimental music]

When Kate and I were kids,

I remember every Sunday our father would come home

from the base.

- Dad? - [laughs] Hi!

Oh my gosh!

- Dad! - Hey!

Oh, I missed you girls.

And when Christmas came each year,

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

I was just trying to show him I was a big girl.

And he left that day because of me.

My sister.

[people chattering]

So sorry to keep you waiting.

That took longer than expected.

That's all right.

Carl will pick you up at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning

and everything's set at the hotel.

- Thanks, Miranda. - Mm-hmm.

Merry Christmas.

Wait.

Do you wanna sit, something to eat?

Oh, actually, I have

to meet my boyfriend's parents for a holiday dinner.

Oh, that's sweet.

All right, well, have a great trip.

Merry Christmas, Kate.

Thanks. You, too.

[frantic music]

What percentage of the Earth is water?

- 73%? - Come on, you know this.

You know this.

I didn't come here to study.

- You didn't? - No.

Claire's gonna sneak me into the party

through the basement window.

And I just wanted to make sure

you were gonna be there on the other side.

[dog groaning]

Hey there, little guy.

- Hello. - You lost?

- Oh, it's a girl. - Oh, I know.

- I think she's a stray. - Yeah.

- Yeah, looks that way. - I think I,

- she should eat some more. - Oh, yeah.

- She's hungry. - Water.

Gave her my granola bar earlier.

There you go.

Well, I guess this means I get

to buy you a cafeteria cardboard pizza today.

Yes, please.

Oh, shoot, we're gonna be late.

- All right, let's go. - Well, what about her?

Just a matter of time before someone calls animal control.

She probably won't make it until Christmas.

[Christmas music]

[notifications swooping]

- Did you get to the airport? - Yeah, I just made it.

I'm here. It's all good.

All right, good.

But I was secretly hoping you'd miss your flight

- and have to come home. - Look, baby,

I know this sucks, but I'm the only one they can depend on.

So when we get back, we'll celebrate my promotion.

- I promise, all right? - [groans] My mom, man.

She's already driving me mental.

She made me sit down. Can you believe that?

She keeps tabs on everything I do, don't do-

- Sweetheart, just work with me here.

What's the point of having your family

if you don't have anyone around to help you, right?

Even if that means just sucking it up

and working with your mother, okay?

I mean, just try and see the bigger...

- The bigger picture. - You mean the one

where the whole house is an empty pit

and nothing is ready?

- That picture? - Exactly.

- [phone beeps] - Hello? Are you there?

- [phone ringing] - Hello?

- Hello? - Hello?

- Who's this? - Who's this?

You called me.

- Is Brian there? - Brian who?

- Brian, my husband. - Diane, is that you?

Kate?

What the hell is going on?

Are you with Brian at the airport?

- No, are you? - Okay, girls, gotta go.

Got a plane to catch.

Oh my God.

- What a spazz. - You married him.

You didn't tell me not to.

- How are you? - Ready to deliver this guy

as soon as he wants to assume the position.

It's a boy?

Yeah.

I don't know if Mom told you

but I'm not gonna be able to make it this year

for the holidays.

Yeah, I figured since I hadn't heard from you.

But I know you'll have an amazing day.

Yeah.

- So are you catching a flight? - Yeah.

- I leave in a few minutes. - All right.

Oh, hey, do you remember that [chuckles]

that ornament we made together

to surprise Mom and Dad?

[laughs] The badly shaped one with the photo?

[laughs] Yes.

I found that last night in one of my decoration boxes.

I thought that was buried somewhere in my storage unit.

Well, you must have left it here

the last time you came for Christmas.

[Announcer] Attention, flight 466

to the Dominican Republic is now boarding.

Flight 466 is now boarding.

- That's my flight. - Yeah, go.

Merry Christmas.

Please give a big kiss to Dougie and Abby for me.

- I miss them. - I will.

I promise.

Can't believe she made me sit here.

Jane, I wanna get up.

[Christmas music]

All right, here we go.

- Hello. - All right, Tom.

[Dr.Tom CD] I'm Doctor Tom.

- Give me something good. - And welcome

to calming sounds, a humming medley

for a tough pregnancy, volume one.

Let's get started.

Breathe in, breathe out.

In.

Out.

All right.

And now let's hum to our babies. [humming]

All right, not sure where you're going with that.

[Dr. Tom] I don't hear you. Hum.

- [chanting] - Oh, that's so bad!

Oh, ooh, I'm sorry.

[chanting continues, he clears throat]

Terrible, Tom. It's terrible. [laughs]

[frantic music]

I thought Toby was supposed to be joining us.

He'll be here.

Do you have any leftover lunch?

- You're hungry? - Yes.

- Quick, give it to me. - So bossy.

Hi, girl. Hello.

[groans] Are you that Shelly fellow?

Yes!

Yes, is this your office's definition

of an emergency situation?

I'll have you know, I'm HOA president

of this peaceful little hamlet,

and I'm gonna be taking this up with the mayor.

I need that dog taken out of this park immediately.

- You got that, Chuck? - All right.

- Can you do that? - Gave up breakfast

for this, I'm starving!

I have a few questions for ya.

Does the canine have dilated pupils,

lack of fear, showing aggression?

- Like, [yells] coming at ya. - Okay, you know what?

Unfortunately, I don't have a degree

in canine psychology, so I don't know how the dog feels.

Why don't you just give me this.

- Okay. Hey, that's my stick. - Let's get a little quicker.

- That's my stick. - I know it's your stick.

But I'm doing this, all right?

- Hey, Walters? Take it and- - Give me my stick.

Walters! Walters, don't you dare make a move!

No, this is my dog.

Why don't you back off and go save some turtles,

because you're not touching her.

You know what?

If you would have read my flyer,

you'd know I took care of that turtle issue a week ago.

So why don't you hand over the dog?

No chance.

- You got a turtle issue? - No.

- Go. Go! - We got a runner!

[Chase music]

Please, what you're doing is illegal!

- I'm gonna go this way! - All right!

Stupid shoes!

- My knight! - Hurry!

I gotta get my Dad's car back

- before he gets up for work. - Great.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- [tires squealing] - Dammit!

I can't run in this handmade alpaca skin shoes!

Quick-legged, canine-loving little fart.

Sorry, what?

Where does she think she's going?

If she's going back to her house,

I think she's royally screwed.

- You want some? - Aw, do I want a banana?

No!

- I'm potassium intolerant. - Hey, I would have

eaten that banana.

I'm hungry. I haven't had lunch.

There's a fruit stand on sixth.

I'm going past it if you wanna walk with me.

Yeah.

- I'm starving. - I'm just, I'm in ketosis.

- I can't eat sugar. - Did you say you're

- looking for an alpaca? - No, I have-

- I have alpacas, if you need 'em.

- Abby, I can't hear you! - The dog is starving.

- [indistinct] - Abby!

- Hello, can you hear me? - Okay.

The dog is [indistinct].

Are you on this flight? Are you business class?

I need you to board now or clear the area.

[Christmas music]

[dramatic music]

[throat clearing throat] [Diane shrieking]

Diane, what are you doing here?

- You caught me red-handed. - Yeah,

disobeying doctor's orders, huh?

- Yeah, sorry. - Diane.

- I'm sorry. - Diane.

I have to get a tree, Tom!

Well, you don't want one of these.

- No? - No.

Are you kidding? These are the rejects.

These are the misfits, the degenerates

of the Christmas tree underworld,

left to rot until they're minced up into kitty litter.

- No good. You know that. - I don't know that, Tom.

- Now you know. - Excellent conifer, Tom!

- 200 bucks! - 200 bucks?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Fine, you can keep the ax head.

You're gonna need some WD-40, though, to pry it out.

- But you can keep it. - 125.

- 80 bucks. - Oh, okay, I'll take it.

Have a merry Christmas, Tom!

And a fine day to you, smiley lady.

Forget about the trees.

Come here, follow me.

I got something really good to show you. Come on.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

- Yeah. - They are something.

I make these myself.

Aren't they beautiful?

What I do is I think about what I wanna do first,

'cause I'm a thinker to being with.

[chainsaw grinding] And then I get a piece

of paper, a pad and a pencil,

[drowned out by chainsaw]

and what I do, I don't know if you can see it,

I make arms out of twigs, arm twigs.

And I go, ooh, okay, I'm gonna need some stuff

from the hobby store.

Because the hobby store really

[drowned out by chainsaw] and kind of addictive.

I mean, once you start working with a hot glue gun,

you don't wanna stop working with a hot glue gun.

[drowned out by chainsaw]

Angela's my best seller.

I'd like you to have Angela.

- Oh, Tom, I couldn't. - Yes.

- Okay, well, for the kids. - It's for a good cause.

There you go.

- Oh, Angela. - Thank you very much.

Hey, mister, guess what? Your angels suck!

I don't think he meant that.

I mean, I love kids.

Bullseye!

You little brats!

If I get you, I'm gonna hang you up

by your Buster Browns!

Kids'll be kids, huh?

Good seeing you, Diane. We gotta go, guys.

Put 'em back in the cage, Shelly.

Shelly. [scoffs]

- Girl's name. - Yeah. Right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, Tom, look at you.

- Thanks. - Look at you.

- Oh, you don't deserve that. - Diane.

- You're so good. - You're so nice.

I wanna give you something else.

- So weird. - Take a look at this.

Oh, oh, Tom, I just can't take any more

- from you. - Oh, you are gonna take this.

This is "Dr. Tom Sings Christmas".

- Oh. - And I want you to have this.

- Oh. - Okay, come on, take it.

It's gonna relax you. You're gonna love it.

- Oh. - Hey, and it's on the house.

- Okay? - Oh, Tom.

All right, now you get home and you get some bedrest.

- All right. - All right.

- Thank you. - Next time I see you,

I wanna see you in bed.

I didn't mean that. You know what I meant.

- I know what you meant. - Good luck with the tree.

Thank you. [Tom sighs]

Christmas.

All right, so I just want,

take everything out, lay it out, take stock.

We're probably gonna need more extension cords

- for all these lights. - You think?

Oh, what is, this is hideous.

Don't lift anything.

[Jane grumbling]

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

What's up, Shelly?

Come on, did I break an HOA rule you just made up?

I'm just trying to be neighborly here.

But you hiding anything from me, Walters?

How many watts you putting up this year?

Enough to blow your mind.

- I could do this all day. - Huh?

Look, I don't have time for this, all right?

What is going on? What is it?

Stray dog.

It has been hanging out at the park

across the street from the school.

And it is my job as current president

to keep everybody safe, including you, Diane.

I feel safer already.

What does this have to do with me?

Abby was seen at the park earlier with that dog.

And when I confronted her about it,

she hopped into a car, sped outta there

like a bat outta heck.

And I just thought you should know about it.

Okay, you have finally lose your ever-loving mind

because Abby is at a friend's house studying.

I'm not so sure about that.

Might wanna follow-up on your kids.

Anyway, I gotta get going. I have a meeting.

- It was great talking with you. - Jane.

Hey, that's not huge.

- Jane. - What, what, what?

We're gonna need some extra extension cords after all.

Yeah, to tie him up with,

roast him over a pit of fire like the pig he is.

Hey, Dougie, you wanna go with me to the store?

Mom needs to go inside and relax.

Come on, let's go.

We gotta go buy some more stuff.

Yep. ♪ This is the best house ♪

♪ In the neighborhood ♪

All right, Abby.

Kate?

Okay, great timing as usual.

I'm in the middle of a crisis.

- Just come on inside. - Thank you.

Just come on in.

[siren blaring]

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

My mom's gonna kill me. [laughs]

It's okay. We're gonna be okay.

[dog whining]

[Officer] Could you turn the engine off for me, sir?

Yes, officer.

[Officer] Both of you out of the car right now.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Come on. [dog whimpering]

Do you have a leash for that dog?

- No, I do not. - You don't have a leash?

No, officer.

Let's go.

Lock it up.

[Car lock sound]

- Is he potty trained? - I hope so.

Not gonna shit in my car, right?

I don't know. [dog barks]

This kind of stuff is, Abby tests me constantly,

but this is not like her.

I don't know, like, do you think she's

hiding something from me?

Well, she called me when I was getting on the plane

and, I don't know, something just didn't sit right

with me and I didn't wanna worry you,

- but- - That's why you're here!

'Cause she called you?

Oh, did you bring your cape?

- Did you pack it? - It's a towel

and a chip clip.

I'm trying, Diane!

Diane, you need to be taking it easy.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Come on, sit down.

Just give me an aspirin, all right?

It's in the cupboard by the stove.

- This one? - Yes, that one on the right.

Okay, breathe.

Look, I know you two haven't been getting along.

And I didn't wanna overstep my boundaries again.

I was just worried about you.

You're concerned about me? That's funny.

You're such a liar, worried about me.

I am! [phone ringing]

Hello?

- No, this is her aunt. - Is that Abby?

- Give me the phone. - Okay-

- Give it to me! - We're on our way.

Was that Abby? Is she okay?

- She's okay, but you- - Why the hell

- is she calling you? - She's okay,

but you need to get your coat.

- Come on, let's go. - Where is she?

You're not gonna love this-

- What is happening? - But she's okay.

[soft music]

I'm Diane Walters. My daughter, Abby Walters, is here.

Can you tell me what's happening?

I don't know, but I will find out for you.

Do me favor.

Have a seat over there and I'll get right back to ya.

Yo, any Walters here?

Her mother's here.

All right, come on out. Bring her out.

- All right. - Abby, what happened?

Ooh, miss. Is this your mother?

- Yes. - Look, ma'am,

we're not gonna press any charges

outside of a $300 mandatory city fine.

Will someone tell me what happened?

Okay.

We have riding in a vehicle with a junior permit.

Running a stop sign and traveling 45 miles an hour

in a school zone.

Transporting and/or having possession

of an unlicensed domestic animal on a public road.

And lying to her mother.

I'll let you enforce that one.

One more thing.

Pay the fine, get the proper license, and take your dog.

I don't wanna see any of you guys here again.

- Well, this is not my dog. - Please, Mom.

- She'll die if we don't- - Well, your daughter says

that this is your dog.

- Is it or isn't it? - That is not my dog.

- Mom, no. - All right.

Call Chuck at Animal Control for a pick up.

Officer, she's mine.

My niece was just taking her to get her shots for me.

It's my fault. It won't happen again.

All right. Have a good night.

- Thank you. - All right. Thank you.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays.

Merry Christmas to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?

Take a seat.

All right.

Can you give me the keys? Dog?

Abby? I'll meet you in the car.

Go on. Go on.

Kate, what the hell?

You walk into our lives after all this time

and pull that crap?

I run the show here.

I was just doing what you should have done.

Abby is my daughter.

She doesn't need a BFF. She needs a mother.

- Why would you do that? - It is not about

the damn dog, Diane.

You are making your issues her issues.

No, I'm not.

Okay. Keep telling yourself that.

Can you please go wait inside for us?

I need to speak with my daughter alone.

- Okay. - All right.

I'm sorry.

- No party? - No. No party.

- What about my phone? - Hand it over.

Fine, you win again. Happy now?

No, I'm not happy. At all.

I'm not happy.

The most important thing between us is trust.

You have to be able to tell me the truth.

Like, especially if you're in trouble.

So you never made mistakes?

You've never lied?

I had to, okay?

And for the record, I'm not sorry.

So take my phone, ground me for life.

I don't give a shit!

- Yeah- - Abby.

Yeah. And I curse all the time when you're not around.

You know what?

That animal is going to the shelter in the morning.

Take him, give him to your grandmother.

She'll know what to do,

and you get your ass in your room.

- Now! I'm done. - Yeah?

Well, I'm done with you, too!

Come here.

Let's go, buddy.

What the hell?

[soft music]

- Hey. - Hey.

- Mom? - What?

I'm leaving.

The heck are you talking about, you're leaving?

- [Abby sobbing] - A doggy for Christmas?

Oh my God, whose dog is it? Are you okay?

- Look, there's a dog here. - You're the best sister ever.

- No, I'm not. - I love you.

Oh my, whose dog is this?

- Oh my God, this dog smells. - Mom, did you hear

- what I said? - Dougie?

Dougie, honey, could you go upstairs,

you get ready for bed,

and I'll bring doggy up to tuck you in with me, okay?

Okay.

- Bye, Dougie. - You're leaving?

Where do you think you're going?

I tried to make things better between us

and I screwed up and I made things worse, much worse.

Okay, can you just stick it out just

for a little while longer, please?

Look, she doesn't want me here, Mom.

That is not true. She's just under, wait-

- Mom. - She's under a lot

of pressure right now.

- And whose dog is this? - Would you stop

taking her side for once?

I'm your daughter, too, you know?

I know, I know.

And where are you gonna stay?

I'll stay at the hotel in town tonight.

And then tomorrow I'm going on my trip.

- Wait, I got, wait. - Merry Christmas, Mom.

Oh, come on. No, come on, pumpkin!

[Kate] Don't call me pumpkin. You know I hate that!

Okay, fine, Petunia.

Come on, Katie. Kate!

What?

What did you do to Nick the reindeer?

He didn't do anything to you.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

[clock ticking]

[Dr.Tom muffled by mask]

What's going on down there?

You know I can't understand you under that mask.

[Tom yelling]

- Get off me! - What?

[Dr.Tom laughing] Get outta there!

I'm just joshing with ya.

- Everything looks great. - Yeah, and?

Yeah, you're 3.5 centimeters.

The old train has left the station.

Oh, no, don't say that.

What? The joke my rabbi told me?

The train. I can't have this baby.

I'm not ready, Tom. Not before Christmas.

I'm not. I mean, can't you do something to slow this down?

Don't you know some, make some kind of sound or-

- Okay, yeah, sure.

I can get into a time machine and push pause,

- but I- - Yeah, I doubt we can.

Listen, Diane, this is the best part of the pregnancy.

At least it is for me.

The delivery, it's far too much pressure.

And if that doesn't work,

maybe a banjo and a set of pliers'll do the trick.

- Banjos and a set of pliers? - Yeah.

It's an old world technique.

It goes way back.

My father handed it down to me,

his father handed it down to him,

his father handed it down to him,

but it's been banned in, like, 17 countries,

so it's not in popular use.

So the point I'm trying

to make is that if you need help, just ask.

Do you know where I can find a Speed Diamond race track,

because they're sold out everywhere.

- Everywhere. - Okay,

you're not getting it are you?

Let's close our eyes. Close 'em.

- No, don't make me do it. - Close those eyes.

- Tom, I don't have time. - And let's breathe in,

and out, and hum. [both humming]

And breathe.

Just twice.

Good. Open your eyes, look at me slowly.

Yeah.

How do you feel?

Old, tired, bloated.

Got some serious cravings. Snails.

Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

Except for the part about the snails.

They're the carpet baggers of the sea.

But you know what the really good news is?

The next time you see me,

I'll have my catcher's mitt on.

[humming]

[loud smacking] [imitating crying]

Thanks, Tom. I needed that.

I know. I did, too.

[upbeat music]

I feel good. I went through the numbers up and down,

right, and I can't see how they'd say no.

I think it's really an amazing,

it's an amazing plan.

That's exactly what I wanna hear, Walters.

Or should I say partner?

It's got a nice ring to it, right?

So would nice bump up would sound pretty good, too.

[both laughing]

Nice.

Yes, I admire a man who knows what he wants.

[Brian coughs]

You serious about this?

I put you through hell and back and you survived.

Unless you tank tomorrow.

But you won't. You're my ace.

Yeah. I gotta call my wife.

Okay, but first, you are aware that I'm gonna need you

to be based in the London office?

[laughs] Yeah, nice.

- Wait, what? - Six to nine months, tops.

Think about it.

I need your answer tomorrow after the presentation.

Well done, Walters. Congrats.

Yeah, thanks Stu.

Hey, over there, I mean to ask you about Mary,

the kids, and Ben.

Did he make all county?

I wouldn't know. I been stuck down here for months.

See you in the morning. Get some rest.

[Christmas rock music]

[phone ringing]

Oh, hey, Brian.

Well, Kate showed up. So thanks for that.

And I don't know how to repair the past, though.

She's gone now.

And let's see, Abby got arrested with that Smith kid,

Toby, down the block.

So I bailed 'em out for 300 bucks

and now she hates me even more than before.

So that's awesome.

And to top it off, I've got a stray dog.

It's actually dog-napped, in the mud room,

that Dougie thinks is his Christmas present

until I have to get rid of it tomorrow.

So that's, like, oh, I can't wait for that.

But how's it going for you?

Empathy, Brian. I know it's hard for you.

But just put yourself in my shoes

and maybe it will occur to you that you should be here

dealing with some of this stuff.

Now I'm hanging up on you. I love you.

Bye.

I'm gonna put the star up to surprise Dad.

[dog barking]

- Fred, get off! - Fred, get off of her!

Watch out! [loud crashing]

- What the hell happened? - Are you okay?

- Honey, what did you do? - I don't know.

I was trying to put the star on the tree

and then it just fell.

- I'm sorry. - Could we just

have one Christmas?

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

[door slamming] I told him I was sorry.

No, no, it's all right.

What are you doing up?

What are you doing up?

Don't talk to me like that.

Listen to me, your sister and I both gave up

- a beautiful vacation- - Oh, Mom, don't-

- Instead- - Don't go there, please.

Everyone is here to help you, okay?

No, she's no here for me anymore, is she?

- Well, whose fault is that? - Whose fault is that?

- Whose fault is that? - Okay.

You have to let your guard down,

you have to let us help you.

- You look exhausted. - Oh, like she

- let her guard down. - I'm not having this argument

with you again.

This has been going on since you were six years old.

Grow up.

You need to take off your clothes,

you need to crawl in bed, and you need to get some rest

before this baby comes.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

Tomorrow is another day. You have got this.

Go to bed. Get some sleep.

[dramatic music]

Oh.

Oh, no she didn't.

Oh, man.

She did not do that.

[loud knocking]

- Hi. - Hi, Diane.

Yeah, I need to talk to Abby. Is she here?

No. Was she supposed to be?

She said Claire's having a sleepover?

Oh, yeah. It got outta hand.

I sent everybody home.

- But she wasn't here? - No.

All right.

- Are you okay? Do you- - No, I'm not okay, no.

I'm fine. Sorry to bother you.

Just call me if she shows up here.

- All right? - Okay.

[loud knocking]

Get in here. [Abby sobbing]

Hey.

It's okay.

What's wrong? What happened?

Everything. I ruined everything.

Mom is going to drop off the dog tomorrow.

And I was supposed to take care of her.

But I messed up.

Hey, don't say that.

Your mother's mad right now. She'll come around.

No, you don't know how she can be.

Actually, I do.

Look, your mom is tough.

But what I can tell you is she loves you.

And she would cut off her right arm

- if it would save you. - Then why did you leave?

I'm gonna call her right now.

You stay here tonight until she calms down.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

- [phone ringing] - Is she with you?

Okay.

Okay.

Thanks, Kate.

You don't have to thank me.

Is it okay if she stays here tonight?

No, it's fine.

No, just...

I'm glad she's with you. I'm fine.

Hey.

I just wanna say I'm sorry.

It's not all your fault.

And I hope you reconsider.

I know we're not very tropical or relaxing,

- but- - I don't need tropical.

Thank you for being there for her.

If you could stay, I'd really love you to.

I'd really love you to be with us for the holidays.

I always have.

- Okay. - Give her a hug for me.

Okay, thanks, Kate.

[clock ticking]

Okay, I see. Everyone against me now?

Your mommy has a very busy day.

So you and I are going on Nana's fun day.

And I think your mommy's taking the dog

to the doctor this afternoon.

Why?

Just to make sure she's healthy.

- You know, for a check up. - She's okay.

- I brushed her teeth. - You did?

Yup. Her breath stank like poop.

Hurry up, time is a-tickin'.

Bye, doggie. I love you.

See you later. [dog barking]

You're trying too hard to be a good mother,

so you keep forgetting the most important thing.

They're little for such a short time.

Bed rest.

- Isn't that puppy cute? - Oh, yeah.

But we have other fun things to do.

Hop in.

[Dougie] Yeah.

[Jane] You think we're gonna see Santa?

[Dougie] Yeah!

[Jane] I don't know. He might be at the North Pole.

But I'm for sure gonna see some of his elves.

- [dog whining] - What's going on, buddy?

What are you doing?

What is going on?

Oh my God.

Come on, dog. Come on, dog.

Come on, dog.

I got enough stubborn in my life!

Good girl.

Hey, Dad, what's up?

- Where are you? - I'm in Texas,

on my way to a big presentation.

Wow.

Well, remember, over, under, through.

Yeah, I got it. Thanks.

Oh, good, you remembered.

That impresses me. Thank you.

Also remember a good tie knot-

- Is the measure of a man. I know.

Hey, another one.

You actually were listening.

I get a kick outta that.

Modern technology, Jesus Christ.

You imagine what I'm talking to you on

and you're talking to me?

Talk about modern technology.

And yet, you know how many letters I had

to write to your mother just to get her to date me?

Let me guess, three, four, five?

27.

Ah, 27. Nice.

And now here you are.

Look at ya.

At least I got one thing right.

Yeah.

How'd you do it all those years?

I mean, the traveling, the juggling all of it?

I mean, it never seems to be enough-

- Time. - Yeah, no time.

- It's- - If I had

to do it all over again,

I'll never get the chance, but I'd need more time.

Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta go, Dad. Wish me luck, all right?

If a man knows who he is,

he doesn't need luck, 'cause he's already who he is.

Brian?

Hear me.

Leave a piece of yourself.

Hey, Dad.

Love you.

You both missed a great party last night.

[scoffs] I'm grounded until next year.

Yeah, me, too. But hey, it was worth it.

Whoa, Abby, that's your mom.

Oh, no, she's taking the dog to the shelter.

We need to stop her.

- Okay- - Come on, think!

- We need to do something! - Okay, we'll need

to bust my dad's car outta the garage.

- Come with me. - Okay, okay.

- Okay, bye then. - Bye!

All right, Benjamin Graham is a company known

for its innovative spirit, a solution company

that practically seeks the wants

and needs of customers with a goal

of achieving customer satisfaction and customer success.

So let's just cut to the chase, all right?

We're gonna be increasing production by 18%.

Okay- [phone buzzing]

Excuse me, sorry.

I'm sorry, where was I?

Oh, right.

And then all the while, we'll be reducing the overall cost

by a factor of 7%.

Okay- [phone buzzing]

Damn. Sorry, just one second.

Whose phone is this? I don't recognize this number.

- Hello? - Dad?

- Abby? Hey I'm- - Dad, hello?

- I'm at work, I can't- - Hey, hey, yeah.

- Hello? - I need you.

- What? - Mom's taking my dog

to the shelter.

You don't know what's going on, but I need you.

- Mom doesn't understand. - Calm down. What?

- She what? - Please come home.

I need you home, please.

- I need you for under- - What?

- [dial tone beeping] - No signal.

Hello?

Abby? Abby?

I can't do this.

I can't continue.

Sit down. I'll be right back.

Walters.

- What are you doing? - Not now, Roger.

You're throwing it all away.

Look, Roger, I can't go to London right now.

You wanna fire me? Knock yourself out.

I gotta be with my family, okay?

You understand that, right?

- Brian? - What? It's family.

Oh, perfect. Unbelievable.

I knew Walters wouldn't deliver.

Pathetic.

Shut up.

He's the best man we've got.

- [dog whining] - What are you looking

at me with those beady eyes for?

Trying to make me feel like I'm a horrible mother?

I know.

Some selfish witch I turned out to be.

I wasn't always like that, you know?

I really wasn't always like that.

I just wanted everything to be perfect, you know?

So I fixed everything up, put the tree back together,

took my position by the door.

It was Christmas, you know, but it was Sunday,

so I knew that he would be there.

[loud knocking]

And I could see the look on his face

when he saw that I fixed everything up.

It replays over and over in my head every day.

[dog whining]

[Christmas music]

[clock ticking]

I'm just a little stressed.

Maybe you can help me out.

I'm sorry, sir, but the earliest flight I can get you

on is at 7:00 PM on standby.

Standby? No.

I can't do standby. What's your name?

Jessica.

You like jacuzzis?

I got one that's made out of rhinestone

and you'd look really good in it.

Hello?

Hello?

Dr. Klein?

[dogs barking]

Hello?

[man groaning]

Hold it.

- I know you. - No, you don't.

I know that dog, too.

Made me look like an idiot in the park.

No, my dog. This is my dog.

What you call that little miss runs away?

Do you know where the doctor is?

Yeah, Doc Klein's in the back over there.

- Thank you. - I got a question

for you, first.

Do you have an apple or gluten-free chips, something?

- No. - I'm starving, please.

No. No!

- Fine. - Thank you.

Take a quiche. Merry Christmas.

Paging Dr. Klein in neurosurgery.

Paging Dr. Klein in neurosurgery.

- Hi, Dr. Klein. - Oh, hey.

Hi, how are you?

You're the one that got the iguana stuck

- in the toilet, right? - No, we spoke

- on the phone. - Oh, yeah, yeah, no.

The parrot in the attic, yeah, sure.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh my gosh pregnant mom, defiant daughter.

- Yes, that's me. - How did I?

- It's been a busy week. - Okay, thanks for seeing us.

Something's going on with her.

I'm just not sure. I thought you should take a look.

Yeah, I think we'll be fine. Look at you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I mean, she looks, she doesn't look good.

- She doesn't look good? - No.

But let's take a few x-rays and then maybe you can wait

in the lobby and I'll get back to you.

Oh, oh, yeah, my phone's there.

Sure, yes. I'll be in the lobby.

Oh, boy. We'll be fine, I think.

Let me just check you.

Okay.

Very good. Very good.

You're a strong dog, yes.

Here, let me just see your,

what do we got here?

Hey, teeth look good.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

You don't know what it's like in my house.

It's non-stop chaos.

At least your parents love each other.

You got a cool young brother, a bitchin' aunt,

and to top it all off, you got me.

I got you?

You think I just hang out with strays,

tour police stations, and steal my old man's car

for just anyone?

- At least not this weekend. - [laughs] What?

- Kate! - Diane, you didn't.

I can't believe you did this after everything.

Oh, Kate.

- Mom, how could you? - Abby!

No, no, no, I'll remember this for the rest of my life.

Oh, I hope you do. I'm so sorry.

- How could you say that? - I'm so sorry.

I was trying so hard to be a good mother,

I forgot the most important thing.

[gasps] Baby!

Hi. Oh my goodness, hi, girl.

She was a bit dehydrated, but her vitals look good.

- That's good. - And?

Look at this. She swallowed something.

No, those look like puppies.

Four puppies!

Yeah?

- Yeah, those are puppies. - Uh-huh. Yeah.

- Puppies! - Those are puppies.

- Uh-huh, yeah. - Those are puppies.

You're right, those are puppies.

- This is unreal. - You're having puppies.

- What? - You're pregnant

- just like mama. - Yeah.

So we're closed for the holiday, but this is my cell.

If you have any questions, just give me a call.

Thank you. We'll be fine.

We got the old battle ax at home.

- She can handle anything. - Yeah.

- We won't be calling. - Good luck.

- Thank you so much. - Oh.

[confused mumbling]

Okay.

- Does she always do this? - Mom?

- Diane? - Come on.

- We don't really know him. - Merry Christmas, doctor.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas! - Yeah, yeah.

- Thanks. - Merry Christmas.

Wow.

Nuts.

She did call me doctor.

[soft music]

Looks good.

Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Okay, move. Move, move, move.

Oh, sorry.

Cannot be too prepared.

- You sure about this? - Well, I'm a little rusty,

but I think I got it.

Got this.

- Hi. - Hi, mom.

I got the mamas.

- Here she comes. - Hi, girly.

Oh, you got a box all set up.

Let's see if she'll go in there.

Will you go inside? Come on.

- Kennel. - Oh, she does.

- Oh, she's so good. - She's needs a name.

I think you're right. I think she does need a name.

Well, Mr. Man, what do you think we should name her?

- Abby. - Oh, really?

Yep! Like my best big sister.

Dougie, that's sweet.

But how 'bout we name her after Jane?

- Like Nana? - Yeah.

How's that sound?

Abigail Jane Walters. I like that.

- I like that, too. - Well, Abigail Jane,

welcome to your new insane family.

Okay, enough with the warm and fuzzies.

From the looks of it, we got a few hours until go time.

Oh, well, in that case,

let's get her prepped and get this house ready

for Christmas, double time.

- Yes, sir! - Sir, yes, sir.

- Sir, yes, sir! - Yeah.

- It's all right. - Whoa, I'll be right here.

- I'll be- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You stay there. - You'll find me right here.

♪ I could tell you all about the snowflakes ♪

♪ I could tell you all about the tree ♪

♪ I could tell you all about the mistletoe ♪

♪ But we both know that wouldn't be me ♪

♪ Now I'm not saying I don't like "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ Or "Silent Night", but why can't we all sing along ♪

♪ To our own kind of Christmas song ♪

♪ Because fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

[soft music]

I know.

I know.

Every year.

Ever since he's been gone.

I never told anyone how I felt.

It's not your fault, Diane.

I miss him, too.

I just thought if he didn't rush out

of the house that night.

You have got to stop blaming yourself.

It was an accident.

Okay.

It's looks wonderful, Diane. Just how I imagined it.

[clock ticking]

[Christmas music]

[Knuckles cracking]

What are you looking at, hm?

[laughs] Oh my God, that felt good.

- Okay, it's your turn. - Okay, here it goes.

- Ah, four! - Dude!

- How do you keep winning? - One, two, three, four.

- Sorry. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Hey. - Hey, hey.

What did I miss? And what is this?

That's Abigail Jane.

- She's going to have puppies. - Is she really?

- And what is this? - Hey, baby.

- Hey, you. - Just-

- Stay away from my daughter. - First-

- Who's this guy? - Yeah, don't worry about,

- how did it go? - I am worried about it.

Who's short, dark, and handsome over here?

- Yo. - What?

Wifey. Did you get the promotion?

Well, I'll tell you, but let's just say, all right-

- Yeah. - You're gonna see a lot more

of me around here from now on.

- Are you cool? - Couldn't be cooler.

- I love you. - I love you so much.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man, okay.

I got you.

- I got you. Kate, come here. - Okay, that's my cue.

- Kate, get over here. - Could I go?

- Mom. - Kate, Kate, come here,

- Kate, Kate, Kate. - You got this.

- You got it. - Now come here, help her.

- All right, get the bags. - Honey, you can do it.

- I love you, mama. - I love you.

- I love you. - Baby girl.

- I love you. - I love you.

Now, go get me another brother.

What do you think? It's your turn next.

[dog whining]

[dramatic music]

All right, guys, let's take a picture.

Smile, big smiles right here.

Bigger. Can you guys do bigger smiles?

Thanks.

[laughing] Oh, beautiful.

[horn honking]

- Hi, Shelly. - Hey, Diane!

- Hi, hi. - Everything okay?

- Did you find Abby? - Oh, yeah, she's fine.

She's at the house with her new boyfriend and my mom.

They're delivering a litter of puppies.

- That's great. - Yeah.

Brian quit his job to be home with the family more.

- Wow, good job, Bri. - Thanks, Shelly.

- Good to see you. - I patched up years

of rough waters with my sister, Kate.

Nice to meet you.

- Aw, nice, hi. - I got the table set,

the turkey in the oven, the yams are yammed,

cookies sprinkled, the presents are wrapped.

- And there's one more thing- - We really gotta go, babe.

- Wait a second. - We gotta go. Come on.

I can't remember. Oh, now I remember.

[triumphant music]

[fireworks crashing]

[group laughing]

How you like that show, huh?

- You like that, Shelly? - Bluetooth.

- Don't cry. - No, it's impressive.

- It's impressive. - You had it coming.

No, what's impressive are your khakis.

- See ya, Shelly! - I'll see you guys.

- Merry Christmas. - Okay,

This is the new perfect, Shelly.

- Woo! - Woo!

- Merry Christmas. - Ready, baby?

Hit it, Brian. [Diane cheering]

Wow, what a show.

We'll get 'em next year, boys.

Hurry up. Come on, come on, careful.

- She's pregnant, all right? - I know.

I know you know. Just be careful.

Sit down. Put your feet up.

Bend your knees over to the side.

All right, put your toes in.

What we've all been waiting for, right?

Yeah.

[Diane growling]

Okay, I'm ordering an epidural.

Don't you dare.

Way to go, smiling lady!

Pants are falling down, Doc.

I got 'em.

Merry Christmas!

We're having a baby!

Woo hoo! It's gonna be a great night.

[clock ticking]

[timer dinging]

You wanna meet your new niece, Kathleen?

Hi, there, Kathleen.

I'm your aunt Kate.

Did you know she was gonna be a girl?

No clue.

Well...

- Hi, Doctor Tom. - Hey, Doc.

Hello. How are we all doing?

Doing good. Thank you.

- So proud of you. - Yeah, right?

- Amazing. - Come here.

- Isn't she good? - You come here.

- Ah, me? - Oh, yes.

- You, I am proud of you. - Thanks, Doc.

You did it. You came true.

Couldn't have done it without you, yeah.

- So proud of you. - It's okay.

- No, no, it's okay. - No, I-

- Breathe. [indistinct]

Hi, girl Good job.

- Oh my goodness. Hi, girly. - Would you look at that?

You did such a good job.

Absolutely beautiful.

You did it, Abby.

No. We did.

- She did. - She did.

Yes, she did.

You did a great job, yes you did.

Good job, girly.

Look at that little one over there.

That one's mine.

Brian, I'm ready to go home.

- It's Christmas. - I know you are.

I wanna go home.

Can't you grab the baby and just-

- Yeah, yeah, you've got a lot of energy

- Bust us out of here? - For someone who just

gave birth to a child.

Close your eyes for a second. Close your eyes.

- Close your eyes. - It's Christmas.

Close your eyes. All right?

Keep 'em closed, okay?

Merry Christmas! [Brian laughing]

[family cheering]

- Merry Christmas. - There she is.

Hey, Toby, slow down. Slow dow.

- There we go. - Hello, Mr. Walters.

- Yeah, okay. - Kathleen,

- you have a little sister. - Sister?

- A sister? - Oh my God!

- Who is hungry? - I am!

- I know the doctor is. - Yeah.

- Yes. - Feed the doctor first.

- I'll be the first in line. - The doctor first.

- He did good work. - Yes, he did a great job.

Thank you for taking care of her.

- He did all the work. - You did, too.

- You remember me? - I remember.

- How could anyone forget you? - Oh my God.

- Okay. - Thank you.

You always wear your hat at dinner?

A toast to mom. And what about dad get some credit?

[indistinct]

- Thank you. - Pass that to your father.

Yes, aw, thank you very much. Love you.

- Yes, you do good work. - Thank you.

- Yes, you do. - Nine months ago,

I did all the work. [all laughing]

And since then he hasn't helped at all.

Here, pass this down.

Okay.

[clock ticking]

Hi.

I'd like to give you a preview of my new holiday CD,

"Dr. Tom Sings Christmas".

You can get it, really, anywhere, eventually.

Right now, I just have this one.

But I'm gonna have a few more made.

♪ Oh holy night ♪

♪ The stars above are shining ♪

♪ It is the night that the baby is born ♪

And he's sleeping.

And remember, mothers, when your baby sleeps, you sleep.

[off key banjo music]

♪ Come tidings we bring to your and your fellow man ♪

♪ And we love you so much ♪

♪ Because only Christmas can ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

Yes.

[laughing]

Remember, Shelly Giswold.

Put it on his tab. He owes me.

All right.

[Dispatcher] Hey, Chuck. We got a situation here.

We got a Tasmanian saber-toothed muskrat

on the loose.

It's very rare on the endangered list.

You're the man we need out there.

So get out there.

[Christmas music]

No. I won't do it, dammit.

Let him be.

Let him roam.

Trying to eat.

[Dispatcher] We're not gonna have another Hartley High

on our hands are ya?

Let's go.

[Chuck] Idiot.

♪ I could tell you all about the snowflakes ♪

♪ I could tell you all about the tree ♪

♪ I could tell you all about the mistletoe ♪

♪ But we both know that wouldn't be me ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ We already know about the reindeer ♪

♪ Everybody knows about the sleigh ♪

♪ I don't really care about Rudolph's nose ♪

♪ Or how it glows when they're on their way ♪

♪ Now, I'm not saying I don't like "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ Or "Silent Night", but why can't we all sing along ♪

♪ To our own kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Because fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ I'm not gonna wear an ugly sweater ♪

♪ I'll be sleeping in on Christmas day ♪

♪ I didn't have the time to wrap the gifts I bought ♪

♪ But if you like socks, you've got it made ♪

♪ And we might be dysfunctional ♪

♪ Nothing rhymes with functional ♪

♪ So even if the words are wrong ♪

♪ To our own kind of Christmas song ♪

♪ We'll sing fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Oh, well, I just wanna be with you ♪

♪ You're crazy, but I'm crazy, too ♪

♪ So why don't we just move on ♪

♪ And sing our own kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ It goes fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ♪

♪ La, la, la, our kinda Christmas song ♪