Original subtitles

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Oh, my goodness.

TYRES SCREECH

MUFFLED SHOUTING

MUFFLED HEAVING BREATHING

Argh! Argh!

VOMITS AND COUGHS

I'm in-between lip waxes, you animal!

I told you, I need to sit in the front and I need to see the horizon!

Oh, I am sorry about that.

Who are you working for?

I'm not working with anyone! No-one!

VOMITS

What were you planning with Steve?

Nothing! I thought the guy was one of us!

How did you acquire the classified documents?

She put it in my bag without telling me!

What about the money?

I didn't know he was going to send me ten grand!

15.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

I'm afraid we're going to have to

turn on the sound for another ten minutes.

- No, please. - Bloody awful racket.

OVERLAPPING SCREECHING NOISES

What is this?! Is this Slipknot or what?!

NOISE CONTINUES

Well, this is good news. Your stories tally up.

We're satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that you are not, in fact,

double agents. So, I'll be ticking "ineptitude" on my form.

- So we're not going to prison? - No.

But in case it wasn't obvious, you're both dismissed.

Effective immediately.

Ma'am, look, erm, I know we messed up.

We've already gathered some really useful intel on this guy.

- Steve, for one, we don't think that's his real name. - Yeah.

For another, he doesn't drink orange squash.

Also some other stuff you should know that is better than that.

You know what, I think we're good. We've got this.

We could pool information. You know, work out who this guy is.

We know who he is.

Steve's real name is Jared O'Hara.

He's an Oxford graduate who fucked up, got into drugs.

He's done six months for card fraud and isn't allowed a mortgage.

Three days ago, we got intel from an asset inside a far-right group.

Someone tried to sell them the security plans

for the Notting Hill Carnival for a ludicrous price.

One of our agents then found said plans in a bin outside the pub.

Wait... Wait, this pub. Was it The Rope & Anchor?

That's the one. We're satisfied he's not a serious threat.

The police'll take it from here.

Ma'am... I'm sorry, this just doesn't make any sense.

You didn't see this guy, he was a real slick operator.

He's planning something.

We're satisfied he's not a serious threat.

Oh, my...

He set this up as a double bluff!

He knew this would get back to you.

That was probably a fake ID!

He's trying to make it seem like he's not serious

but I'm telling you, he is.

Or could it be, Dominique, that you're not?!

I mean, come on.

This is the oldest play in the book and you fell for it.

This is the same kind of shit

cold callers tried on my 86-year-old mother

and even she knew something fishy was going on!

Keeping this country safe requires the brightest minds, Dominique.

We might have the odd job for those who fall short of that -

the archives, for example. But for you...

..you may find other work more suitable.

- We're done here. - Ma'am?

- No, no, do we have to do that? - Ma'am...? - Can I get a nausea band?

Or at least crack open a window!

WIND HOWLS

I guess...all's well that ends well.

I'm sorry... Excuse me?!

As in, we're not in serious trouble.

You just cost me my job.

- Oh... - I - cost you YOUR job?!

Yeah. By stabbing me in the back.

Excuse me. YOU were the one who put the file in MY bag.

And even then, I stood by you. I helped you.

Until you stabbed me in the back.

Why did you do it, Kay?!

Steve would have walked through that door any minute!

Yeah, well, the police'll take care of him now.

They're never going to find him!

He's not going to go back to that flat now, is he?

Not after you invited half of MI5 round for breakfast!

- Well, what does it matter now anyway? - Wha...

- Fisher says he's not even a serious threat. - He is a serious threat!

Oh, and MI5 are wrong about that, are they?

- Yes! - And your evidence for that is?

- My instincts. - Oh, your instincts?!

Your instincts that led you to give the file away in the first place!

Dom, listen to yourself!

This is what this whole thing has been about - your ego!

You just can't accept when you're wrong!

SIGHS

Look, I'm sorry you messed up.

But you did.

Look, everyone has an off day.

He played on your vulnerabilities. You wanted a better job.

And I saw him, he was a good-looking guy...

You know what, Kay? Fuck you!

Yeah, well...

Forget you, Dom!

What, are you just going to walk all the way back to London?!

The app says that the bus is going to be here in...

..an hour and 43 minutes!

And this man! Honestly, grrr!

I don't know how he managed to organise all of this,

and he can't even organise his own sock drawer!

LAUGHTER

No, but seriously, I am so overwhelmed. I...

Morris,

you're not just my best friend...

Oh, I'm going to get emotional.

Oh!

You're my soulmate. Thank you, darling.

- And thank you, ev... - Fuck... Oh, fuck! Bollocks!

It's all broke...

Oh... Sorry. Hello.

Um...

Sorry...

CLATTERING

I'll pay for that.

Sorry.

Ah, hello, Auntie Maureen.

You look nice. You've done something with your...

..your head tie.

- To Julie! - To Julie!

To Julie!

Where have you been? Your dad's been introducing me to everyone.

- What happened to you?! - I don't want to talk about it.

- Oh! - Oh! - Dom! - Yeah. - Oh, thank you for coming.

- I live here. - Yeah.

- Oh, and you've brought me a, erm... - Yeah, they're a little bit flaccid,

- but, you know, it's the thought that counts. - Yeah.

- I also, er, got you a scented candle. It's somewhere. - Oh, darling.

Thank you. That's so sweet.

My word. What a way you come to a party.

You never hear the dress code?!

I didn't know there was a dress code, Auntie Maureen.

- It was on the family group chat. - I'm not even on the family group chat.

- Well, that's your problem. - How come you're on the family group chat?!

- Cos they like... - And why are you so tardy?

I got...a little tied up.

No, no, it's fine. I mean, Dom gets held up at work sometimes.

- Mm. My baby works for the Food Standards Agency now. - Thank you.

Government job. People's lives are in her hands.

- Oh, really? - And it's office-based!

Dom finally hold down a job...

..and a man? And people say God isn't real!

- Actually... - And we are so proud of her!

- Proud. - Er, Dad, I—I don't work there any more.

I knew it! That child can't cook.

Her mother was a beautiful cook.

This one, we only let her bring ice.

Even Cousin Darren's allowed to choose the crisps.

And he used to be on crack!

Oh...

Evenin'.

Oh, hi, Darren!

And how are you?

Fantastic. Regional top salesman three months in a row.

Even Darren's turned his life around.

What do you mean, you don't work there any more? Do you mean

- you've changed department... - No, I mean, I was fired. OK, Dad?

I was fired. I was let go of. I am jobless.

So, the job isn't real.

The boyfriend fake, too?

Probably. He's a global ten.

Dom's, what, a Hackney five?

Yo, does this look fake?

If you'll excuse us, we're going to the buffet.

- Come on. - Bye.

- Uncle Morris... - Mm?

Did you know triple glazing can save you hundreds a year on energy bills?

- Go... - Shout, man. I got you.

- You know I don't need your pity, right? - I know. Look, your family

were just being a little bit...

Listen, if circumstances were different,

man definitely would, you know what I mean?

Well, that's nasty. And man definitely would be denied.

But thank you.

You know I can't get your record wiped now, right?

Yeah, I clocked that. I'm tapped.

You know, whatever I did... Brightmarsh, all of that shit,

I did it all for Jayden.

Tried to give her the start in life that I didn't have.

Every penny I earned, I put into an account in her name.

Every penny you earned? Erm, what about the G-wagon?

- Man can't be trapping in a Ford Focus. - Mm-hm.

- So, what are you going to do now? - Don't know.

Maybe I'll hand myself in.

Well, I mean, at least your daughter would know where you were, you know?

- Cos you'd be in prison. - Yes. Yes, I understood that. - OK.

Whatever way this goes, I know I'll never be able to see her again.

- Her mum'll make sure of that. - Look, you could...

..stay a bit longer if you wanted to. Until...

..mans is less tapped.

I really don't want to go back and hang out with Auntie Maureen.

Oh, no, definitely.

I'm staying here until she goes home to watch Casualty.

- Callaloo? - Callaloo.

Well, it's just over a week to the Notting Hill Carnival.

Sequins are being stitched, feathers plumped, chicken jerked.

- And we caught up with the year six pupils... - Dominique!

..of St Christopher's in Streatham who, this year, are planning a float

with a difference...

Dom, get up!

DOM GROANS

It's nearly midday.

Oh, God! What?! Fuck!

Why do you hate me?! I'm your daughter!

That's one hot chocolate and one hot chocolate with oat milk.

- There you go, partner. - Thanking you, sir.

THEY LAUGH

Ah, what are we doing in this shift, Yas?

Well, it's not very exciting,

but we're going to supervise some young people doing graffiti

- on a wall where they've got express permission. - That. Sounds. Lovely.

It does, doesn't it?

Also, I've baked some sugar-free macaroons that we can all share.

- Oh, brilliant! That'll bring everyone together! - Yeah!

How about this? Online picker for a major supermarket?

- It's a £10 night-time premium. - No!

- Oh, er, do we need to talk again about the PGCE? - Uh...

You've got to apply for something, Dom.

The worst thing you can have in life is a gap on your CV.

INDISTINCT CHAT

SIGHS HAPPILY

Man, I love a briefing.

- Kay! - Yas!

- Sorry, can I just...? Yas! - Hiya!

- I didn't know you were doing a shift today. - Yeah, I love Carnival.

- Volunteer for it every year. - Me too! - No!

Yeah, er, tomorrow I'm actually playing on a float.

- Stop it. - Yeah. Yeah, I'm in a steel band.

- Oh, my God! - I know. It's not a big deal... - No, it's amazing!

- No, no, no... - Can I get your attention, please?

Ole, ole, ole, ole. How we feeling?

UNENTHUSIASTIC MUTTERING

Today's the first day of Carnival.

There is only one acceptable answer to that question.

That is, "Hot, hot, hot." So, I'll ask again. How are we feeling?

- Hot! Hot! Hot! - That's more like it!

First of all, a big thank you for volunteering.

This shift is a lot of fun.

We have a laugh. But...

..make no mistake, this is the most challenging crowd control exercise

this side of the Hajj.

Now, there will be two million revellers

descending on these streets this weekend,

so this needs to run like clockwork. Military grade clockwork.

I'm talking the kind of clock you would find

presumably on the dashboard of a tank.

Now, under your seats, you'll find a number of items.

Don't look now! I didn't say look now! Eyes on me, please!

It's chaos in here!

First of all, you will find...

FINGERS CLICK

..a high-vis vest. Put it on.

Not tied around your waist, not slung over your shoulder but on!

Secondly - quickly, Mel -

a goodie bag. A few little treats in there for ya.

A bottle of smart water, sunblock,

and my personal favourite -

a good old jar of Reggae Reggae Sauce.

Goes with anything. Just a little thank you for your efforts,

from the local residents' association.

Last, but most certainly not least, you will find - Mel! -

one of these. A radio.

Channel one, open at all times.

As far as you're concerned, this is the voice of God.

- Yes, what? - Um...we already have radios.

There's always one, isn't there, Mel?

Yeah, we know you already have radios

but everyone on crowd control is on one of these.

Top brass want to keep the police channels open

in case of an emergency.

Yes, Kay, what?!

No, it's just, we didn't do this last year.

It's called progress, mate.

We're not allowed to punch people in the kidneys any more either, are we?

Rightly or wrongly.

It's rightly! It's a joke!

Get with it, Mel!

Now, just because you're going to be working today

don't mean you have to stand still.

The press love it when us guys dance with the revellers,

so it's fallen on me to show you the correct way

to 'whine'! Yeah! You know what I'm talking about?

Come on, Carnivalistas, on your feet. Let's get whining!

Move those hips, use your core, use your core. Watch your back,

you'll do yourself a mischief.

Bring it right down, right down to the floor!

How low can you go? Right down, look at that!

Kay, where are you going, mate? I need ya. I need ya.

Come on, get them bumpers nice and low. Mm!

LIVELY MUSIC

Happy Carnival, guys. Stay hydrated. I hope that's water!

It's day one of Carnival.

You can see the streets there beginning to fill up nicely.

Over the next few days...

Putting on a mixed wash if you've got anything.

You know you can drop the whole perfect house guest bit now, right?

- I know. - So, just do what I do.

Put it in a basket and leave it until

Julie cracks and does it herself.

I'm packing up. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Where are you going to go?

Going to head for Felixstowe.

Get myself in-between the containers.

See if I can get myself on a ship.

Whoa.

That sounds...

insane! That's like...

- Yeah. - Like a black stowaway. You've not thought this through, bro.

Hmm!

There's a favour I need before I go.

I need you to take these somewhere for me.

The Istanbul Social Club on Green Lanes.

Ask for Ercan. Give these to him. And he'll give you an envelope.

What in the nerdiverse, Comicon, loser, virgin, incel,

nonsense is this?

- It's my getaway fund. - Some old toys?

- You Feds really don't know niche, do you? - Know what?

This shit's worth bare piece.

'80s, '90s collectables boxed, mint-condition.

This is the real road man's economy now.

It's where all the real G's are putting their cash.

No-one's looking into this like crypto.

If you're from East, you're into N64 games.

All them West dons into Beanie Babies.

They're Pogs!

These were massive in the '90s.

What about Pogs?

That's the gold standard, boy.

What if someone had a sports bag full of packaged,

mint-condition Pogs?

- EXHALES - That's one hell of a getaway fund.

Oh, my God!

LAUGHS

..so he tells me he smokes for religious reasons

and I said, "Mate, you're a 17-year-old ginger lad from Epsom."

- Oh! - Trying to fool me. - I know, I know.

Er, Yas, do you mind if we take a quick detour on the way home?

Er...yeah. What were you thinking?

- What is this place? - Wait here. Just gotta go and speak to someone. - Who?

Just someone.

And, er, whatever you do, don't come in after me.

INTERCOM BUZZES

Salisbury Plain.

DOOR UNLOCKS

- Afternoon. - Didn't think you'd be here on a Sunday.

You're lucky. If you'd been here half an hour earlier,

I'd still have been pillaging.

I should warn you, though, I can't give you any kit.

Because it's a Sunday?

Cos you've been fired.

Oh, erm, how do you know about that?

Well, for one, you gave the old password.

And for another, you just admitted it.

Yes. Very good.

LAUGHS

You should work for MI5.

- Look, I just wanted to ask your opinion about something. - You know

I could probably lose my job just for continuing this conversation?

So don't tell anyone. What is it?

Oof, ah, that's a blast from the past.

Aah...

The Tawagoto 639.

Used by police up until, ooh, 2004.

Cheap, decent battery life.

But security-wise, not much better than Fisher Price.

Well, how do you mean?

Notoriously easy to scramble.

Anyone with a decent transmitter and a GCSE in physics

can block the signal on one of these things and render them useless.

Thank you. Thank you.

A lot of money.

WHISTLES APPRECIATIVELY

SIGHS

LINE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

- Yello? - Ew.

Erm, who... Who is this?

Yas. Well, it's Yasmin, actually, but everyone just calls me Yas.

Right.

And you are?

Oh, sorry! Erm, I'm Kay's partner.

Kay's...

OK. Is he there?

He's actually kind of busy right now, he can't come to the phone.

Motherf...

Did you want to leave a message?

No. I don't. Because...

You know, this was a pocket dial.

If it's a pocket dial, then how are we talking?

Because...I'm wearing a Bluetooth headset, all right?!

OK, OK, OK.

Oh, I need to make a call! I need to make a call! Oh, yes.

Oh... Wait, before I make this call,

- there's something I need to tell you, Yas. - What is it?

EXHALES

Until quite recently, I used to work for the security services. MI5.

- Like James Bond?! - Yes. Only...

..Christian, monogamous and with a licence to praise.

I need you to keep whatever you hear now absolutely secret,

- for your safety and the country's. Do you understand? - Yes.

- Yas, do you understand?! - Yes! - I need you to say, yes! - Yes! Yes!

LINE RINGS

Hey. Uh...answer this!

- What? - Answer it and say I'm busy

- and I can't come to the phone right now. - Why? Who is it?

Just do it! Quick! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Do an accent. - What?

Just, like, give it some Spanish. No, no, no, no! Italian.

Ciao.

Er...hi. Is Dom there?

- Dom can't come to the phone right now. - Italian!

Oh, er, OK. Well, can you pass on a message?

Arrivederci.

Tutti fruity.

Alora.

So, you know what I told you before? The MI5 stuff?

Just forget I said that.

- Oh. - Just forget I said that.

It was just, er, you know, me, MI5?! Ha! What a joke!

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL CHIMES

Dom? Dom?! It's me!

We really need to talk.

Morris, come and look at this.

- There's another one! - Honestly, it's true what they say.

You wait for one bus to come along...

THEY LAUGH

You going to answer that?

No! And don't you answer it, either.

DOOR OPENS You're making a fool of yourself.

- What do you want? - You called me. - No, I didn't.

- Well, Yas said you did. - Well, I told Yas it was a pocket dial!

So you did call?

Shit.

Well, why did you call me?

Well, maybe I just called you back.

OK, well, you've done that. Bye.

- Well, maybe I had something to tell you. - What?

Well, you won't know if you don't answer my calls.

Did you call to apologise for being a big, fat Judas?

- No! - Well, then, I'm not interested. - Oh, I think you will be interested!

Oh, I think I'm not interested! Bye! Get off my drive!

Because I was calling to tell you...

..you were right about Steve.

Yes, I was right about Steve.

Obviously!

So, Dave said these radios are notoriously easy to scramble.

Haven't been in service for years.

And there was a guy at the briefing...

Now, I can't be sure

but I think it was the guy that we saw meeting Steve.

What was he doing at the briefing?

They said he was from a local residents' association.

Yeah, bullshit - he's another one of Steve's day players.

OK. So, Steve wants to scramble the radios.

Probably to stop the police from responding to a terror attack.

- What do we do? - We need to get this information to Fisher, like, fast.

How?! We lost our jobs!

You've called MI5,

your national security service. For careers, press one.

- To report a security concern, press two. - Press two, press two.

You may find it quicker and easier

- to report your concern on our website. - Oh, God! Come on!

Hello, you're through to MI5, all calls may be recorded...

Hi, er, yes, I need to speak to Joanna Fisher,

Deputy Director of Intelligence. This is urgent. We think that

something's going to happen at Notting Hill Carnival tomorrow.

Right, well, we can't put people through to specific members of...

No, no, no, you don't understand, I'm an agent. I'm a former agent.

Do you have an active agent number?

- No, but I... - Then I'll have to put this down as a public tip-off.

OK, listen, I just think...

We've had quite a few of those about Carnival.

It's the full moon, I swear! It brings them all out.

Yeah, fine, OK, thanks, bye!

All right. Fisher's going to be in the office tomorrow morning.

- It's Bank Holiday Monday. - Time and a half.

I will go there in person and make them listen.

So, what am I going to do?

I was supposed to be on the float tomorrow. I do the count-ins.

Cordell does them too fast.

It falls apart before we get to the chorus of Red Red Wine!

Kay, just...just go. All right?

I will pass on what we know to Fisher

and she'll take care of the rest.

I mean, it's like you said - it's MI5, right?

This is just another day in the office for them.

Whatever Steve's planning, they will stop it.

- Stop right there. - OK, Mo, I have vital information

that I need to pass onto Fisher. It's urgent!

What is it? I'll pass it on.

Yeah, no offence, Mo, but you're not cleared for this.

Says a lady who handed over state secrets.

- How did you know about that?! - Brenda told me.

Goddamn it, Brenda!

OK, Mo, this is a matter of national security, all right? Please!

RADIO BEEPS

Got Dominique Archibald. Wants to speak to Fisher. Says it's urgent.

Repeat.

You've got 30 seconds. This better be good.

OK, this is big. Potentially really big, right?

So, we discovered that the ra...

Well?

What is it?

Er...